Original subtitles

[alarm beeping]

- Ow! Aah!

- Morning, champ.

[laughs]

- Funny how things...

work out.

- ♪ I need a fix ♪

♪ I need to fix my ignition ♪

- "Flour" power, dude.

- Anders, why are you messing around?

We're gonna be late for work.

- What is going on? Why are you guys doing this?

- Why do I love my mom so much?

- Why do kids start at different reading levels?

- Why are girls pretty'?

- Why do I get sleepy after I touch myself?

- No more pranks, okay?

We're not in college anymore.

We're grown-ups, so act like it!

Just-just act like grown-ups, please, okay?

Thank you.

Ow! Oh!

Oh, this is not even funny!

- Oh, what, are you gonna break on through to the other side?

Jim Morrison, the Doors.

'Cause of the... it's a door frame.

And the- 'Cause if y-

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

♪♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

- Hey, buddy.

Hey, can you get your dad's credit card out?

Yeah, there you go. Chief.

What does it start with, a four?

- Guys. - Jesus.

- Okay, can I call you back? They hung up.

Thanks, Jillian. Every time.

- I'm really sorry, you guys.

I just-l haven't really been the same

since Michael Jackson died in that knife fight.

- Mm, that's what big media wants you to think.

He's on a beach with Brad Renfro and Keith Ledger drinking beers.

- This guy.

- Look it up.

- Oh, in other news, I overheard Alice say

that she's gonna create a senior sales position.

It's a pay raise, it's health insurance,

and a key to the executive bathroom.

Basically a pay bump

and a comfy dump.

- Wow. Gross. Why are you telling us this?

- 'Cause I think one of you guys could totally get it.

- Really'?

- Yeah, you guys have been here

for, like, forever, and you're not Waymond.

Can I help you?

- A pay raise.

Sounds like someone's finally gonna get that 401(k) started.

- Ooh. - What's a 401(k)?

- I'm glad you asked.

Basically, it's a retirement plan so you can...

- Oh, no. Never mind.

I totally thought it was a laser.

- Okay, can I talk now?

Because with my pay raise,

I'd get a flying squirrel suit to go base jumping with,

and that health insurance?

Ooh, boy!

- I wouldn't mind taking a growler

in that executive bathroom,

but, uh, not the promotion thing.

You know, mo' money, mo' problems.

- Why don't we all just be honest with each other?

We all want the promotion.

- No, I really don't. - I do.

- But only one of us can get it,

so let's make a supportive thing happen here.

- Sure, I can- we can do that,

'cause we are kings of friendship.

- Exactly. - I believe.

Friendship titans.

- Yeah, I think the only promotion I'm interested in

is promoting you guys

to generals in my friendship army.

- Yes, sir. Well said.

'Cause in no way is that, Alice,

gonna affect this.

'Cause this right here, bros,

is why I love coming to work, hanging out with my partners,

my chiefs, best friends for life.

You'd have to be a real scumbag to mess that up.

The thing everyone hates about Anders

is his disrespect for women, you know?

He treats chicks like second-grade citizens.

And they're not.

Natalie Portman went to Harvard,

and she's smart as shit.

She's super smart.

- How did you get in here?

- If I were Anders, I'd punch you in the face

for asking something like that.

But I'm not.

Thank God I'm Adam, and I love women,

all women, all shapes and sizes.

I just love 'em.

Love 'em.

Blake asked me the other day how to spell "if."

Gonna trust that level of smartness

with a multi-thousand-dollar corp?

- Adam, I think we're done.

- Oh, and, Alice, it's...

I-F...

I-F you didn't know.

- I hate my life.

- Hey, Alice, do you have a second?

- For you? No.

- Okay, I'll be really quick.

I put together a binder of new sales techniques

that I've been using on my calls,

and they've turned out to be super fruitful.

- You know I don't like people going off my script.

- Alice, Mr. Benson's on the line.

- I just think we could do better.

Please take a look at my binder.

- [sighs]

All right, I'm pretty sure these numbers

are wildly inaccurate.

But put together a PowerPoint, and I'll look at it or whatever.

- Okay. I'll work on it over lunch.

You're not gonna be disappointed.

Did you want this, uh, open or closed?

- Hi, Mr. Benson. - Did you want this open, or-

Oh, halfway.

- Uh, yeah, did you get those numbers?

Right. They look good, huh?

" Oh!

- Yeah, but imagine it way, way hairier.

- Oh, man. That-that's a problem.

- Right? - I got to see that in person.

- Oh, well, well, well.

Look what we got here.

Blake schmoozing with the help.

Think your way to the top's through the bottom, buddy?

I vote wrong.

- Adam, I don't want that stupid promotion.

I already told you.

- Yeah, okay, Blake, and your hair doesn't look like a wig.

Guess what. It does. Everyone thinks so.

We're all talking about it. - I don't think so.

- Let's just consider me having this promotion locked up.

I just talked with Alice. It's pretty official.

- Tales from an alternate universe

as told by Adam DeMamp.

- I don't know what that means, Jillian.

- It means Anders pretty much has this sewn up.

Did you see that binder that he showed Alice?

Oh, my gosh, it had graphs. In color.

- Wow, color, graphs.

I did that when I was in 11th grade, I think.

- Well, it impressed Alice,

'cause she wants to see a PowerPoint right after lunch.

So good for him, right? - Yeah.

- Man, I love him.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ And nobody can- ♪

♪ Nobody- But I can- ♪

- Mm-hmm.

- ♪ Nobody c-♪ I'll get this.

- Okay. - ♪ But I... can... ♪

I'm gonna look up those lyrics.

- Yep, you got it. - All right.

- That was good. - Bye, Blake.

- Bye, Jillian. - See you, Adam.

- Bye.

So Ders is doing actual work, huh?

That is cheating, dude, right?

We cannot let him get this promotion.

- Um, nope, you're not roping me into this one, bud.

- Blake, you are roped.

You are fully roped, young calf.

Could you imagine Ders being your boss?

- Actually, I didn't think of that.

- You know, I'm gonna be a much cooler boss than him.

Executive bathroom?

More like Blake's personal masturbating chamber.

- Oh, I'd like that.

- Yeah, me too! And so it is written.

Let us form an alliance.

- Like, uh, Woody and Buzz Lightyear, right?

- Yeah, okay. To infinity...

- And beyond.

- Ah, ha. That was easy.

- Yeah, well, I'm a pushover.

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

-

We're about to go out and get that new

triple bacon, double mushroom, Swiss melt burger.

- Oh, great, yeah, that- that sounds good.

I can't go.

I got this lunchtime spinning class

that I'm gonna go to instead.

You know, bust some cardio.

- Oh, for sure. Got to stay tight.

Know what I mean? - Yeah.

- We get that. - Right.

- Know all about staying tight. - Right. Got to.

- Look a little loose in the cage, brother.

- No, I'm not. You are.

- Hey, we'll let you know how the triple bacon,

double mushroom, Swiss melt burger goes.

- Great. - All right.

It's time to handle the scandal, Blake.

- Yes, and by scandal you mean

triple bacon, double mushroom, Swiss melt burger.

- No, right now, we have to ruin Ders

and all that he stands for.

- And then get the triple bacon, double mushroom,

Swiss melt burger.

- You don't even like mushrooms, Blake.

- I know. I get it without mushrooms.

- Greetings and welcome.

When I was nine years old, I took a fishing trip,

and I was stopped by a Native American man,

and he said, 'Who"-

- What the fuck are you talking about?

I know that this is a really big deal for you,

but it's such a minor part of my day,

so can we please just hurry up?

P.S., good luck. I'm rooting for you, stretch.

- Thank you. Enjoy.

[computer beeps]

- Oh, Alice, I wanna fuck you.

I'm Anders.

- Uh... [chuckles]

This isn't it.

- Are those- Are those your nipples, Anders?

- You know what? No! No, no, no.

No, no, no, they're not.

- Is this a joke?

- Just... this isn't-I'm sorry.

It's a malfunction.

Shh! Shh! - It seems like grade-A stuff.

- Come back, uh, in 12 minutes.

- Look, Anders, no, just end-

Anders, look, I have a sense of humor, okay?

I really do, okay?

I'm funnier than everyone else in this office.

- It's true.

- But I laugh when it's appropriate, okay?

Nights, weekends. I'll laugh all Sunday long.

I've seen Adult Swim. I get alternative comedy.

- Let me just- - No, we're done.

We're done.

- HEY-

With radical change comes indignation, okay?

Not everyone's gonna get it.

Guess who does get it.

You want to take a guess?

- [sighs] Do you get it?

- Yeah, I get it.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

- No. - I'm gonna make this happen.

- Jillian, don't. - I'm gonna do it.

- Oh, ho, ho!

Looks like you're gonna have a hard time

getting that promotion now, dude.

Maybe your weird nipples can put in a good word for you.

- Yeah, remember?

Because your nipples were talking.

- Mm-hmm.

Oh, man, we handled you something fierce.

How's that make you feel?

- Yeah, honestly, that hurts.

It hurts pretty bad.

- I mean, so break something.

Go crazy. Come on, it's cool.

- You know, at the house, I get it.

It's fair.

But when you bring it into the office,

you're crossing a line, okay?

You're messing with my job.

But if you guys want to step on me to get ahead,

that's fine, but why would I want to be your friend?

- Anders, it was just an awesome prank

that was super well crafted.

Thank you.

- No, man.

I don't want anything to do with you guys anymore.

All right, I'm putting my two weeks in,

and I'm moving out.

- What?

- I won't continue to live in fear.

- Okay. - Wow.

Ders.

Come on, dude.

You can't just move out.

Not without talking about it.

Look, all right, we took it too far today,

but we're really, really sorry.

Right, Adam?

Adam?

- Yeah. I'm so sorry, Anders.

God, I'm sorry. For what we've done.

Are you serious?

Said we're sorry, dude. What more do you want?

Is he really moving out right now?

- Yes, this stupid promotion's gonna cost us our best friend.

- And rent split two ways

is, like, three times more expensive.

- Yeah.

- I think I'm actually gonna miss him, you know?

- We got to get Ders that promotion.

- Or we can just give me the promotion

because I'm the best, and Ders sucks, right?

- No. We'll blow our interviews.

That way Alice will know

Ders is the only man for the job.

- Yes, I like that plan better than mine.

- All right, Buzz, what do you say?

To infinity...

- I'm Woody.

- Wait. - What?

- No. No, you're definitely Buzz.

- No, I'm Woody. - No, you're Buzz.

- Buzz is the astronaut? - Tim Allen.

- Okay, yeah, I'll be him. He's cool. Beyond.

- Actually, uh, I'm not really cool

with the amount of responsibility I have now.

So if you wanted to promote me down a peg,

I'd be cool for that.

- This isn't my style, you know?

Anders would love something like this...

something this small, of this magnitude.

- I'm not sure I would be the number one pick

to be... to be a boss around here,

because I think you would find me snacking a lot.

- Did you see the charts?

- Have you seen him in a suit?

- He's gonna keep his hair forever.

I was mowing the yard without tennis shoes.

And Ders came out with my tennis shoes.

- [imitates flatulence]

- He put them on my feet for me

because I was having sciatica pain.

- This is awesome.

Oh, oh, he's biting my dick!

[laughs]

- Choose Anders. Okay.

- HEY-

- Yo.

- Hi.

- So I, uh, got the promotion.

- Yes! - That's great.

- I am so proud of you.

- Congratulations. - Great.

Alice told me you guys put in a good word,

so I appreciate it.

- Nah, it was all you, buddy.

- Yeah, we did help out a lot, but it was you.

- So? Are you still moving out,

or are we all good?

- [laughs]

This is just... I want to savor this.

Um, 'cause this is adorable.

- Yeah.

What's adorable?

- Your tender innocence.

His sweet naïveté.

- What?

- I was never gonna move out, you damn fools.

[laughs]

It's called the long con, okay?

You know, it's weird.

For a second, I thought you guys

were gonna be smart fish, go under the boat,

but, no, you bit hard.

Hook, line, and sinker.

- How long have you been conning us for?

- Since, like, yesterday at 3:00.

- That's not long. - Not long.

- Well, it's longer than any con you've ever pulled.

- Uh, I've got a con from last year

you don't even know about.

- Ders, you were crying.

- Part of the con.

- Those were real tears.

- Were they? - Yeah, they were.

- It's like when you watch Tupac videos online,

and you're like, 'We need to start making some changes.

Change the way we eat."

- Okay, for the record, we do.

And things are gonna start changing around here

starting tomorrow.

- Did he just- - Yeah, he just Tupac walked us.

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

- 20 minutes late.

That doesn't make me look good at all.

- Well, you took the car,

so we had to share my roller blades.

- Bosses ride alone.

- Nice suit, by the way.

What, did you get drafted by the Denver Nuggets?

- You look like you're ready to sell me a Honda Soul.

- I'm the senior sales associate now.

Do you know what that means?

That means I have jurisdiction over the have-nots,

the great unwashed, you guys.

I'm your boss. You have to follow my rules.

- Did you wet your hair down to come talk to us?

- I didn't wet- - No, you did. Obviously.

You obviously did.

- Why don't we go to my office, okay?

You guys can see my ergonomic keyboard,

my wireless mouse,

and I'm gonna think of all sorts of things

for you guys to do today.

Are my worker bees ready to buzz the hive?

Yeah, back and forth. Short strokes.

Make sure you feel the bristles

massaging the carpet.

That's how you're gonna clean.

Is that a personal call?

Please hang it up.

I've been promoted!

See the suit?

You getting in there?

- Yeah.

- Come on. I want to hear it.

Hey, Cynthia. Is that a personal call?

Please hang it up.

Sit your ass down right now.

Hang if UP- Hang if UP-

Great. Thanks.

Any sales today'?

I let Cynthia go today.

That was rough.

Oh, guys.

Still working hard.

That shows a lot of fortitude.

That's gonna go a long way with me.

Really happy to see this.

Oh, hey, Alice.

You see these guys just slaving away?

Really being team players.

- Wow, yeah. Nobody cares.

Look, um, the Cutco reps

are gonna be here at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow,

so I need the conference room prepped.

- Right. Okay.

- And lay off the styling gel, Bradley Cooper.

- Wow. Bradley Cooper. Bank you.

You hear that?

Um, look, to celebrate today

and the long and fruitful relationship

we're going to have,

I clocked a rezzie at a chic little bistro uptown,

so tuck your shirts in.

It's a hip crowd.

[baby cries]

- How about that meatloaf, Blake?

- Pretty good after you slather it in ketchup.

- Yeah? Well, Chowhound said

it's decadent and moist enough, so...

- They nailed that, man.

- Are you guys sure you don't want any of these egg rolls?

They're Texas Mexican. - No, stuffed, boss.

- Yeah, let's just get some more drinks, huh?

- That's what I'm talking about. Garçon?

[whistles] Where is this guy?

- Yes, sir.

- "Sir." I love this kid.

Uh, first of all, I'd like to see the chef face-to-face.

These are the best Cajun chicken niblets I've ever had.

- Uh, yeah.

- Great. Hey. [whistles]

Um, also, we're gonna want to get dessert.

I'm wondering which wine pairs best

with the Oreo cheesecake.

- I don't- I wouldn't know that.

- You don't know.

Okay, perhaps you should send over the house Somalian.

- Uh, Greg is from Nigeria.

- No, I don't mean Craig.

I don't see how this helps us.

I just want cheesecake with a good wine.

- Okay, let's skip dessert

and just get some more drinks, huh?

- Yeah, we got some celebrating to do.

- Indeed.

- So, uh, Ders, come on,

tell us what's it like to be on top of the world?

- Honestly, this is great.

I feel terrific. I look great.

Wearing a suit to the office, no joke,

it makes you better than everyone else there.

- To our best friend, who we'll never betray. Ever.

- Let's talk business, guys.

Are you guys familiar with vertical integration?

You got to look at your bottom line.

There's net, and there's net net.

Here's the thing.

Now that I'm in charge,

get on my coattails.

You can't be messing around at the office.

I look at it this way.

Promotion, car, wife.

We're gonna change things up around the office.

I'm gonna let Alice know who's in charge now.

Let's keep things the same.

Oh, my God! What is this?

That's what we call diversifying.

Do you even know karate?

Two, three...

Get used to this.

[belches loudly]

Wheee! Whoo!

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Can a motherfucker get the check, please?

Who are you?

- You asked to see me.

I made your Cajun chicken niblets.

- No, no, no.

You made my year.

You have a gift.

And a super-dope hat.

This is cool.

All right, boys. Let's go.

[screams]

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

- [screams]

[grunts]

Hi, are you the locksmith?

I'm glad you think it's hilarious,

but I need to get it off my neck!

[screams] Come on!

- ORGY-

Looks like we got this all settled up,

so I'm gonna go ahead and get two dozen

throwing stars out to your residence

in Bellevue, Nebraska.

You're gonna enjoy that, Mr. Johnson.

Thank you. Okay, I love you too. Thanks.

- Good morning. - Whoa. You are late.

- Yes, because you stole my car.

- Well, bosses ride alone, right?

- I'm guessing you guys

didn't bring the key to this to the office.

- Uh, no, actually the key is here.

It's-it's in our cubicle.

- Yeah, and you're actually pretty warm right now, Anders.

Both: Warmer.

- Yes. Yes. There we go. The chase is on.

- There you go. Anders on the hunt.

- You are warm. Search, search, search.

- Keeping it warm.

You're a little bit cold.

- Guys, I have got to prep the conference room

in, like, five seconds.

- Dude, you're really close.

- Yeah. Keep- Believe in yourself.

- [clears throat]

Hey, Alice.

- Anders.

- Morning.

- The, um, clients are here.

- Yeah. Hey. Anders Holmvik. Welcome.

- Interesting name. Are you Finnish?

- No, sir. I'm just getting started.

[nervous laughter]

- Okay, uh, Anders is our newest sales representative.

So...

Why don't, um, you go ahead and head to the conference room,

and I'll meet you there in just a minute, okay?

- Yeah, I was just gonna say let's go to the conference room.

- No, you aren't going anywhere.

I just want to congratulate you, Anders,

'cause you made it 24 whole hours.

Give me the executive bathroom key now.

- Anders, you have a...

[clears throat] a little...

- Yeah. - ...bike lock right here.

- I know, Jillian.

- I could just tell it was bothering Alice, so...

- Yeah. Great. - All right.

- Thanks a lot.

Okay, you guys have won.

Now please give me the keys.

Both: Colder.

- New glasses. I love 'em.

Both: Colder.

- Ooh. - Ice cold.

- Really cold. - Oh, that is so cold.

Wait a second.

If this is the key to the bathroom

on the bike lock key chain,

then that means that you just gave away...

Oh, you get it. Now you get it.

- He's no dummy. He's no dummy.

- We got you, bro!

Those wheels are a-turning.

- Ders.

- Nice.

[dog snorting, party horn blows]