Original subtitles

Sorry to leave you standing up.

Although in your line of work, that might be a nice change of pace.

Oh my God, there's more.

What are they doing? Giving away a free toaster to the first thousand

misdemeanors? Got a flood down in Holden. Water pipe burst and most of

these guys got their first shower in a week.

Well, we've got to do something about this. The hallway is no place for

violent criminals.

Don't worry.

The violent ones are in your office.

Hi, fellas.

You don't say.

Roz, get them the hell out of here.

Yes, sir. There's no other place to isolate them, and these are the worst of

the lot.

What'd they do?

Beat up a balloon vendor in Central Park.

He wouldn't make me a wiener dog.

You guys find Art. Tell him I want to see him pronto.

So, you guys catch that Baryshnikov special on TV last night?

Harry, Harry, Harry, come on. What's the holdup? Look, I got a flight to Acapulco

at 10 o'clock with a little Chiquita, and she's ready to mambo.

Wouldn't count my margaritas just yet, Dan. We're up to our eyeballs in

defendants. Oh, come on, let the scum rot an extra day.

You've met the Marx Brothers, Groucho, Chico, Cujo.

Only a cow wears leather better.

So, your honor, what do you want to see me about?

Oh, gee, Art, I don't know. What's new?

My keychain, but I really can't talk about it now, sir. I got a flood to deal

with. Art, how long is this going to take?

No telling. I haven't seen this much water since I fell into the tank at

SeaWorld.

Oh, come on, Art.

How bad could it be? What do you got down there? A couple of puddles?

Get everybody out of holding, sir.

Boy,

there's a heck of an undertow.

Now, I realize, Mr. Ortiz, that smokers believe they have a certain right to

indulge in their habit, but what you did in that restaurant goes way beyond any

reasonable exercise of freedom.

That's a $50 fine, and no buts about it.

John, I hate getting water in my ear.

I sure hope that brain is anchored to something.

Well, these shouldn't take too long.

Oh, no.

But these will.

Harry, you're not thinking about trying to do all these cases in one night.

Well, Dan, what do you suggest? That we leave those poor people out there

chained to the walls like the Tower of London so you can work on your tan line

in Acapulco?

Exactly.

Look, my tickets are frequent flyer freebies. They expire at midnight.

I'm sorry, Dan. We have a full docket.

Damn it, man. So do I.

She can peel a lime with her tongue, Harry.

Keep a rude thought, and we'll try to get through this as soon as possible.

What's up, Max?

A little case of disturbing the peace at a Star Trek convention, sir.

Admit it. The old Enterprise was a piece of junk.

Oh, yeah? How would you like a Vulcan death grip?

How do you like the Bailiff bull grip?

What do we have here? A little friction twixt the old truckies and the new?

Yes, sir. They were involved in a brawl that broke out at their convention

during a seminar on the role of androids on Starfleet command vehicles.

Don't you guys ever just get loaded and hire a stripper?

Captain Kirk would never have allowed androids on the bridge. Rules are rules.

Oh, yeah?

He didn't seem to have any trouble breaking the prime directive any time he

felt like it. Go suck on a tribble! Go sit on a phaser!

None of that language in my courtroom.

Pants? My clients plead innocent, Your Honor. What ground?

Well, they claim to be victims of a mind melt.

A mind melt.

Oh, come on! Get real, guys!

Star Trek is a TV show for criminy's sake.

I'm going to fine you each 30 bucks, and I suggest you stop living with your

parents.

You have no authority over us.

I beg your pardon? We are governed by the laws of the Federation. Is that so?

Okay, that's contempt, Chucko. One day in the county jail.

That's what you think.

Beam us up.

big deal.

Can they do this?

And let's remember that even though rap music may seem obnoxious to some, it's

still no reason for a neighborhood confrontation. Come on, let's all be

brothers. And I'll dismiss the charges.

Well, thank you, George. We love to rhyme.

No,

listen, listen. There's no way I'm going to be able to make the 10 o'clock to

Acapulco. What else you got leaving before midnight?

10.30 to Switzerland.

Okay, I'll take it. Yes, I'll hold.

Hey, Dan, aren't you going to have to go home and pack your cold weather clothes?

I don't pack clothes.

What's in your suitcase?

Never mind.

Hey, by the way, what is the voltage over there? 110 or 220?

People versus Abrams, sexual harassment.

Oh, not another one. Whatever happened to men showing women a little respect?

Your Honor, actually, Mr. Hirsch is the victim here. The woman won't leave me

alone.

Yes, he claims Miss Abrams is, and I quote, obsessed with me physically,

interpreting my friendliness as an overture to an endless carnal rampage.

And you've got a problem with that?

It's a nightmare.

I take her out once, Your Honor, and ever since, she's been hot for my bod.

This man is hallucinating. I don't find him the least bit attractive.

Right.

She sends me a tape that's suggestive and full of obscenities. I lent him my

Eddie Murphy album.

Then what about all those times I saw you parked across the street?

I live across the street.

And those filthy messages you left on my answering machine?

I called you twice to let you know that your dog was out. My dog was out?

I think we know what she means by that.

Oh, yeah.

Miss Abrams, do you think it might be possible for you in the future to

confine your fantasies to other men?

Yeah, I'll try. Believe me.

That's great. And Mr. Hirsch, I'm afraid that a man of your obvious magnetism

just has to learn to live with this kind of burden.

You got that right.

Case dismissed.

Thank you, Your Honor. You don't know what a relief this is. All in a day's

work.

So, can I fix your dinner a little later tonight?

No, I don't think that'll be necessary.

Why not?

After all we've been through, don't I mean anything to you?

Right.

Oh, oh, so this is how you're going to end it. You're just going to use me and

throw...

Your Honor, the defendant was spotted running from the bank.

When the police gave chase, the defendant climbed the chain-link fence,

scaled a four-story fire escape, and vaulted from rooftop to rooftop and was

subdued only after assaulting four members of the SWAT team.

How do you plead?

Not guilty.

Well, obviously, there's been some kind of...

I'm going to dismiss the charges, Mrs. Roscoff. You're free to go. Thank you.

Good news, Your Honor.

The water's still rising. We're moving everything to higher grounds.

Art, I've still got a hallway full of defendants. What's taking so long?

Hey, look, I'm doing my best, but every time I turn my back, my crew, they're

doing cannonballs down the elevator shaft.

Get us out of here, Matt.

Yes, sir. Call Ray Roberts and Sprague.

Assault in Central Park.

Those three maniacs slashed my entire inventory, Your Honor. I mean, look at

this. Nothing but useless rubber.

This wouldn't happen if you kept them in your wallet like other guys.

Matt, these three maniacs wouldn't happen to be the gentlemen in my office,

would they?

Why not?

They cut their way loose.

They escaped.

Now, come on, sir. It's not going to do any good to get emotional.

How did they get loose?

They used the glass from your Mel Torme picture.

Bring me their heads!

Oh,

Roz, any word on those escaped prisoners?

Found one of them, sir. He was hiding behind the main electrical generator.

and have him searched.

One of those guys has Mel's ear, and I want it back.

Harry, we'd better speed it up, or the defendants in the hall are going to be

chained there all weekend.

That's right, and I'm never going to make my play to Switzerland.

Well, Dan, we can talk faster, if that.

Alp.

inside, Miss Sullivan. What's up, Mac? Girl, people versus Becker.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how would you like me to squeeze you till you pass?

Psycho! Pervert!

Ah, the poetry of the street.

Your Honor, Mr. Rollins was attacked by Mr. Becker following an unsatisfactory

business transaction involving Rubber Rita here.

I'm sure she's a real knockout when fully inflated. Defense?

Uh, during what you might call a rather intimate moment, sir, my client friend

blew out a boob.

Women. And now this worm will give me back my 75 bucks. Hey, you overinflated

her at the proper pressure. My gals are indestructible.

Might I demonstrate, Your Honor?

Be my guest.

Sir, do you realize how long this will take?

No, but I bet you do.

Maybe I can help.

Hey, I'll have her full figured in a second.

I knew a girl in the sixth grade that developed this quickly.

That's enough. I can't turn off the helium.

Well, she certainly is an active girl.

That'll be a $50 fine. Let's take a minute to air out the courtroom.

That's a good idea. I'll go to my office and try to fix this.

It's terrible, Your Honor. We're losing ground.

I think we should evacuate the women and children while there's still time.

Arch, get a grip on yourself.

Now, what did the city say when you asked them to turn off the water?

They'll do that?

that you planned to withhold.

This little piece of information.

Sir,

they found another one of the escaped prisoners.

He was hiding in the cafeteria freezer.

Come on, let's go toast those buns on a hot plate.

contestant, Matt. Yes, sir. People versus Williams.

Look at what he did to my son.

What happened to your arm, son?

He broke it.

And he is?

The famous children's book author, Your Honor, Dr. Wiggle. How do you do?

Mrs. Williams assaulted the doc during an autograph session of his new book,

Fleas in Your Tree's No Sneezes, Please.

Sir, my client contends that her son's injury was as a result of his imitating

one of Dr. Wiggle's characters, the...

Snert.

You were imitating a snert?

Tommy never would have put that trapeze in the trees if Wiggle didn't plant the

idea. Oh, please.

I never meant the boy any harm. It was purely his folly that broke his arm. The

snert is a snoozle and not real at all. You can't blame a snoozle for causing

his fall.

boy only climbed in the tree because of a drawing on page 33.

Your Honor, she hit the poor man with her shoe. Well, you can see the spots

clearly. Bump one and bump two. I object.

You object?

Overruled. This is stupid.

I'm Donner. I'm Blitzen. I'm Comet and Cupid.

Well, I'm fining you 50, and that should be it. Now, get out of here, you dumb

little...

Keep it rolling, Matt. Yes, sir. People versus Laporta.

Mr. Prosecutor?

Yes, sir. The Laportas were involved in a domestic altercation stemming from a

dispute over their baby's parentage.

Are you the child's natural parent?

No.

Your Honor, Mr. Laporta claims that this baby's father is a man named Floppo.

Floppo? A clown, Your Honor. A wolf in a rubber nose.

Your Honor.

I had nothing but a purely platonic relationship with Floppo. How do you

explain the exploding cigar butts in the ashtray?

He just stopped by. We tossed a couple of pies. That was it.

Oh, yeah? Then how did this get into our bed?

I tell you, Judge, that is not my baby.

Okay, I'm going to remand this over to the family court. A blood test should

settle it once and for all.

Fine.

Oh.

to have learned your lesson?

It's not only stupid, it's dangerous to be racing at each other playing chicken

on the Belt Parkway.

$50 each.

And be careful crossing the road.

Here's your suitcase, Dan.

Fantastic. One more case and I'm on my way to Switzerland. Now look, tell the

parking attendant to pull my car around front and I'll bring you back some

lederhosen. Leather shorts, all right.

People versus Danielson.

Another five minutes and I'll be giving ein bisschen Fraulein a reason to yodel.

Nothing can stop me now.

1115 flight.

1130?

Not a chance.

All right, look, what's the last flight you've got out before midnight?

Anywhere. 1158, arriving Bulgaria.

What the hell is that doing in Bulgaria?

Confined to our hotels?

I'll take it.

Come on, speedy!

Move on!

I take it this guy was not busted

for purse snatching?

No, sir.

Obstruction of traffic.

He was trying to cross the street during rush hour.

The road running here caused a major gridlock over most of lower Manhattan.

when it took him eight signal changes to cross Times Square.

Gee, I bet you know all the latest swear words.

Evidence seems pretty clear. I say let's fight him and fly.

Your Honor, Mr. Danielson suffers from a rare condition, and therefore I ask the

court for leniency.

I think he'd like to speak.

No, don't let him talk.

It is his right, Counselor. Speak your mind, Mr. Danielson.

I have a card which explains my condition.

to call his father as a witness? What?

Wait, no, no. State, drop the charges. You're free.

Okay.

Well, that pretty much wraps it up. Court's adjourned.

Bulgaria, here I come.

Listen, I'm going to send you back each a track receipt, okay?

think to look.

It's the one place we didn't want to look.

Give me this stuff back.

If you've wrinkled my Zorro cape, you're dead meat, bud.

So, you got plans for the weekend?

Well, the Guggenheim is having an exhibit of the Queen's Hat.

You want to come?

Oh, gee, I'd love to, but I've got to spend the weekend getting a new frame

for Mel.

Dang way!

Coming through!

All right.

What's up? Can't talk, sir. I got one more valve to turn off.