All language subtitles for s06e22_-_yet_another_day_in_the_life

Sorry to leave you standing up.

Although in your line of work, that
might be a nice change of pace.

Oh my God, there's more.

What are they doing? Giving away a free
toaster to the first thousand

misdemeanors? Got a flood down in
Holden. Water pipe burst and most of

these guys got their first shower in a
week.

Well, we've got to do something about
this. The hallway is no place for

violent criminals.

Don't worry.

The violent ones are in your office.

Hi, fellas.

You don't say.

Roz, get them the hell out of here.

Yes, sir. There's no other place to
isolate them, and these are the worst of

the lot.

What'd they do?

Beat up a balloon vendor in Central
Park.

He wouldn't make me a wiener dog.

You guys find Art. Tell him I want to
see him pronto.

So, you guys catch that Baryshnikov
special on TV last night?

Harry, Harry, Harry, come on. What's the
holdup? Look, I got a flight to Acapulco

at 10 o'clock with a little Chiquita,
and she's ready to mambo.

Wouldn't count my margaritas just yet,
Dan. We're up to our eyeballs in

defendants. Oh, come on, let the scum
rot an extra day.

You've met the Marx Brothers, Groucho,
Chico, Cujo.

Only a cow wears leather better.

So, your honor, what do you want to see
me about?

Oh, gee, Art, I don't know. What's new?

My keychain, but I really can't talk
about it now, sir. I got a flood to deal

with. Art, how long is this going to
take?

No telling. I haven't seen this much
water since I fell into the tank at

SeaWorld.

Oh, come on, Art.

How bad could it be? What do you got
down there? A couple of puddles?

Get everybody out of holding, sir.

Boy,

there's a heck of an undertow.

Now, I realize, Mr. Ortiz, that smokers
believe they have a certain right to

indulge in their habit, but what you did
in that restaurant goes way beyond any

reasonable exercise of freedom.

That's a $50 fine, and no buts about it.

John, I hate getting water in my ear.

I sure hope that brain is anchored to
something.

Well, these shouldn't take too long.

Oh, no.

But these will.

Harry, you're not thinking about trying
to do all these cases in one night.

Well, Dan, what do you suggest? That we
leave those poor people out there

chained to the walls like the Tower of
London so you can work on your tan line

in Acapulco?

Exactly.

Look, my tickets are frequent flyer
freebies. They expire at midnight.

I'm sorry, Dan. We have a full docket.

Damn it, man. So do I.

She can peel a lime with her tongue,
Harry.

Keep a rude thought, and we'll try to
get through this as soon as possible.

What's up, Max?

A little case of disturbing the peace at
a Star Trek convention, sir.

Admit it. The old Enterprise was a piece
of junk.

Oh, yeah? How would you like a Vulcan
death grip?

How do you like the Bailiff bull grip?

What do we have here? A little friction
twixt the old truckies and the new?

Yes, sir. They were involved in a brawl
that broke out at their convention

during a seminar on the role of androids
on Starfleet command vehicles.

Don't you guys ever just get loaded and
hire a stripper?

Captain Kirk would never have allowed
androids on the bridge. Rules are rules.

Oh, yeah?

He didn't seem to have any trouble
breaking the prime directive any time he

felt like it. Go suck on a tribble! Go
sit on a phaser!

None of that language in my courtroom.

Pants? My clients plead innocent, Your
Honor. What ground?

Well, they claim to be victims of a mind
melt.

A mind melt.

Oh, come on! Get real, guys!

Star Trek is a TV show for criminy's
sake.

I'm going to fine you each 30 bucks, and
I suggest you stop living with your

parents.

You have no authority over us.

I beg your pardon? We are governed by
the laws of the Federation. Is that so?

Okay, that's contempt, Chucko. One day
in the county jail.

That's what you think.

Beam us up.

big deal.

Can they do this?

And let's remember that even though rap
music may seem obnoxious to some, it's

still no reason for a neighborhood
confrontation. Come on, let's all be

brothers. And I'll dismiss the charges.

Well, thank you, George. We love to
rhyme.

No,

listen, listen. There's no way I'm going
to be able to make the 10 o'clock to

Acapulco. What else you got leaving
before midnight?

10.30 to Switzerland.

Okay, I'll take it. Yes, I'll hold.

Hey, Dan, aren't you going to have to go
home and pack your cold weather clothes?

I don't pack clothes.

What's in your suitcase?

Never mind.

Hey, by the way, what is the voltage
over there? 110 or 220?

People versus Abrams, sexual harassment.

Oh, not another one. Whatever happened
to men showing women a little respect?

Your Honor, actually, Mr. Hirsch is the
victim here. The woman won't leave me

alone.

Yes, he claims Miss Abrams is, and I
quote, obsessed with me physically,

interpreting my friendliness as an
overture to an endless carnal rampage.

And you've got a problem with that?

It's a nightmare.

I take her out once, Your Honor, and
ever since, she's been hot for my bod.

This man is hallucinating. I don't find
him the least bit attractive.

Right.

She sends me a tape that's suggestive
and full of obscenities. I lent him my

Eddie Murphy album.

Then what about all those times I saw
you parked across the street?

I live across the street.

And those filthy messages you left on my
answering machine?

I called you twice to let you know that
your dog was out. My dog was out?

I think we know what she means by that.

Oh, yeah.

Miss Abrams, do you think it might be
possible for you in the future to

confine your fantasies to other men?

Yeah, I'll try. Believe me.

That's great. And Mr. Hirsch, I'm afraid
that a man of your obvious magnetism

just has to learn to live with this kind
of burden.

You got that right.

Case dismissed.

Thank you, Your Honor. You don't know
what a relief this is. All in a day's

work.

So, can I fix your dinner a little later
tonight?

No, I don't think that'll be necessary.

Why not?

After all we've been through, don't I
mean anything to you?

Right.

Oh, oh, so this is how you're going to
end it. You're just going to use me and

throw...

Your Honor, the defendant was spotted
running from the bank.

When the police gave chase, the
defendant climbed the chain-link fence,

scaled a four-story fire escape, and
vaulted from rooftop to rooftop and was

subdued only after assaulting four
members of the SWAT team.

How do you plead?

Not guilty.

Well, obviously, there's been some kind
of...

I'm going to dismiss the charges, Mrs.
Roscoff. You're free to go. Thank you.

Good news, Your Honor.

The water's still rising. We're moving
everything to higher grounds.

Art, I've still got a hallway full of
defendants. What's taking so long?

Hey, look, I'm doing my best, but every
time I turn my back, my crew, they're

doing cannonballs down the elevator
shaft.

Get us out of here, Matt.

Yes, sir. Call Ray Roberts and Sprague.

Assault in Central Park.

Those three maniacs slashed my entire
inventory, Your Honor. I mean, look at

this. Nothing but useless rubber.

This wouldn't happen if you kept them in
your wallet like other guys.

Matt, these three maniacs wouldn't
happen to be the gentlemen in my office,

would they?

Why not?

They cut their way loose.

They escaped.

Now, come on, sir. It's not going to do
any good to get emotional.

How did they get loose?

They used the glass from your Mel Torme
picture.

Bring me their heads!

Oh,

Roz, any word on those escaped
prisoners?

Found one of them, sir. He was hiding
behind the main electrical generator.

and have him searched.

One of those guys has Mel's ear, and I
want it back.

Harry, we'd better speed it up, or the
defendants in the hall are going to be

chained there all weekend.

That's right, and I'm never going to
make my play to Switzerland.

Well, Dan, we can talk faster, if that.

Alp.

inside, Miss Sullivan. What's up, Mac?
Girl, people versus Becker.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how would you like me to squeeze
you till you pass?

Psycho! Pervert!

Ah, the poetry of the street.

Your Honor, Mr. Rollins was attacked by
Mr. Becker following an unsatisfactory

business transaction involving Rubber
Rita here.

I'm sure she's a real knockout when
fully inflated. Defense?

Uh, during what you might call a rather
intimate moment, sir, my client friend

blew out a boob.

Women. And now this worm will give me
back my 75 bucks. Hey, you overinflated

her at the proper pressure. My gals are
indestructible.

Might I demonstrate, Your Honor?

Be my guest.

Sir, do you realize how long this will
take?

No, but I bet you do.

Maybe I can help.

Hey, I'll have her full figured in a
second.

I knew a girl in the sixth grade that
developed this quickly.

That's enough. I can't turn off the
helium.

Well, she certainly is an active girl.

That'll be a $50 fine. Let's take a
minute to air out the courtroom.

That's a good idea. I'll go to my office
and try to fix this.

It's terrible, Your Honor. We're losing
ground.

I think we should evacuate the women and
children while there's still time.

Arch, get a grip on yourself.

Now, what did the city say when you
asked them to turn off the water?

They'll do that?

that you planned to withhold.

This little piece of information.

Sir,

they found another one of the escaped
prisoners.

He was hiding in the cafeteria freezer.

Come on, let's go toast those buns on a
hot plate.

contestant, Matt. Yes, sir. People
versus Williams.

Look at what he did to my son.

What happened to your arm, son?

He broke it.

And he is?

The famous children's book author, Your
Honor, Dr. Wiggle. How do you do?

Mrs. Williams assaulted the doc during
an autograph session of his new book,

Fleas in Your Tree's No Sneezes, Please.

Sir, my client contends that her son's
injury was as a result of his imitating

one of Dr. Wiggle's characters, the...

Snert.

You were imitating a snert?

Tommy never would have put that trapeze
in the trees if Wiggle didn't plant the

idea. Oh, please.

I never meant the boy any harm. It was
purely his folly that broke his arm. The

snert is a snoozle and not real at all.
You can't blame a snoozle for causing

his fall.

boy only climbed in the tree because of
a drawing on page 33.

Your Honor, she hit the poor man with
her shoe. Well, you can see the spots

clearly. Bump one and bump two. I
object.

You object?

Overruled. This is stupid.

I'm Donner. I'm Blitzen. I'm Comet and
Cupid.

Well, I'm fining you 50, and that should
be it. Now, get out of here, you dumb

little...

Keep it rolling, Matt. Yes, sir. People
versus Laporta.

Mr. Prosecutor?

Yes, sir. The Laportas were involved in
a domestic altercation stemming from a

dispute over their baby's parentage.

Are you the child's natural parent?

No.

Your Honor, Mr. Laporta claims that this
baby's father is a man named Floppo.

Floppo? A clown, Your Honor. A wolf in a
rubber nose.

Your Honor.

I had nothing but a purely platonic
relationship with Floppo. How do you

explain the exploding cigar butts in the
ashtray?

He just stopped by. We tossed a couple
of pies. That was it.

Oh, yeah? Then how did this get into our
bed?

I tell you, Judge, that is not my baby.

Okay, I'm going to remand this over to
the family court. A blood test should

settle it once and for all.

Fine.

Oh.

to have learned your lesson?

It's not only stupid, it's dangerous to
be racing at each other playing chicken

on the Belt Parkway.

$50 each.

And be careful crossing the road.

Here's your suitcase, Dan.

Fantastic. One more case and I'm on my
way to Switzerland. Now look, tell the

parking attendant to pull my car around
front and I'll bring you back some

lederhosen. Leather shorts, all right.

People versus Danielson.

Another five minutes and I'll be giving
ein bisschen Fraulein a reason to yodel.

Nothing can stop me now.

1115 flight.

1130?

Not a chance.

All right, look, what's the last flight
you've got out before midnight?

Anywhere. 1158, arriving Bulgaria.

What the hell is that doing in Bulgaria?

Confined to our hotels?

I'll take it.

Come on, speedy!

Move on!

I take it this guy was not busted

for purse snatching?

No, sir.

Obstruction of traffic.

He was trying to cross the street during
rush hour.

The road running here caused a major
gridlock over most of lower Manhattan.

when it took him eight signal changes to
cross Times Square.

Gee, I bet you know all the latest swear
words.

Evidence seems pretty clear. I say let's
fight him and fly.

Your Honor, Mr. Danielson suffers from a
rare condition, and therefore I ask the

court for leniency.

I think he'd like to speak.

No, don't let him talk.

It is his right, Counselor. Speak your
mind, Mr. Danielson.

I have a card which explains my
condition.

to call his father as a witness? What?

Wait, no, no. State, drop the charges.
You're free.

Okay.

Well, that pretty much wraps it up.
Court's adjourned.

Bulgaria, here I come.

Listen, I'm going to send you back each
a track receipt, okay?

think to look.

It's the one place we didn't want to
look.

Give me this stuff back.

If you've wrinkled my Zorro cape, you're
dead meat, bud.

So, you got plans for the weekend?

Well, the Guggenheim is having an
exhibit of the Queen's Hat.

You want to come?

Oh, gee, I'd love to, but I've got to
spend the weekend getting a new frame

for Mel.

Dang way!

Coming through!

All right.

What's up? Can't talk, sir. I got one
more valve to turn off.