All language subtitles for s05e12_-_dan_the_walking_time_bomb

everybody.

Here you go, Dan. My favorite, plain
brown wrapper.

And for you, Christine.

Oh, good. My sensitive guy calendar is
here.

Twelve months of respect.

Alan Alda, Jimmy Carter, Phil

Donahue, and will you look where he's
got the ERA tattoo.

Well, I've been going out with Joy for
some time now, and I figured this was

the only way I could experience what it
was like for her to be blind.

I think that is so sensitive and sweet.

Seems like you two are really getting
along.

Yeah.

Want to hear what she calls me?

Her little stubble-headed mutant?

Pretty cute, huh?

Well, I got some more practicing to do,
but don't tell Joy. I want this to be a

surprise.

Love is a mini splintered thing.

Something French tickle your fancy
dance?

No, it's just a death threat, Harry.

Dear scum-sucking pig, prepare to die a

lingering horrible death.

Oh, maybe he's got me front row seats at
the Captain and Tennille reunion.

This is a joke, but this is serious.

You never know. Right around the corner
could be some violent, crazed monster.

Your Honor, I'm worried about Dan.

Well, just don't make eye contact or
show fear and he'll leave you alone.

I'm serious, sir.

Sure, Dan may act like that death threat
doesn't bother him, but believe me,

beneath that macho facade is a very
frightened man.

Okay, okay, forget about the flypaper
and the ping-pong balls.

His courage is an inspiration to us all.

He thought you were the male chute.

So, big fella, how's your day in the
dark been so far?

Great, except for doorknobs.

Whoever put them at that height was a
very cruel man.

There she is, the angel-haired,
cherub-faced light of my life.

Watch out. Move them or lose them. Pull
them.

I snuggle cakes.

Here. You left your Telly Savalas album
at my place.

Thanks. But you didn't have to bring it
in. I was going to drop over to your

place tonight for a little... You know
what?

Another evening of Wheel of Fortune and
thumb wrestling?

You know me like a book.

We've been going out for four months,
and not only haven't you eaten... You

haven't even tried to get to first base.
You haven't even gotten out of the

dugout yet.

Uh, she loves baseball.

Look, Bull, you're a sweet guy, but I've
had enough of this brotherly love

garbage. I want to be touched.

I want to be handled.

I want to feel like a Braille copy of
the Yellow Pages.

And if you can't manage that,

Find someone who can.

Thank you for keeping that our little
secret.

Your Honor, can I be excused for a
minute? Yeah, sure, Bull.

Five, four, three, two...

Terrific. I'm looking forward to it.
I've heard a lot about you.

Candy?

Okay, okay. I'll see you at nine.

Oh, Danny boy, your pants, your pants
are falling.

Excuse me, Mr.

Fielding? Just a second, lad. I'll be
with you in a moment.

Hey, what the hell is this?

It's a bomb, Dan.

If I push this little button.

Who are you? Why are you doing this?

You don't remember who I am, do you?

Yes, of course I do.

Roger.

Steve, Bob, Bill, Joe, Rudy.

Forget it, Fielding. You're going to go
back in that courtroom and continue

about your work.

If you tell anyone about this bomb, then
I push this button and you turn into

bake-o-bits.

says to the hooker, Gee, lady, don't you
have anything smaller?

I love it! I don't get it, but I love
it!

Mr. Prosecutor, do we have a problem?

A problem, Harry? Yes, um, I have... new
shoes.

Well, gee, if it's a footwear...
emergency. Take your time, Dan. I think

this right to speedy trial business has
been way blown out of proportion.

Hey,

Dan, you got a new briefcase?

Yes, I just bought it.

Dan, those aren't your initials. It says
EC.

That's because I named my briefcases.

For instance, the one on my desk over
there, that's Dick Schwartz.

This is, um, this is Emile Cartier.

What do we got, Mac?

People versus Mac Farlane, sir.

Assault. Your Honor, my client was
provoked by an antagonistic neighbor who

insisted on playing his stereo loudly at
all hours of the night.

Your Honor, the plaintiff clearly had no
malicious intent bomb in my briefcase to

antagonize the defendant.

The plaintiff had no previous bomb in my
briefcase complaints from other

neighbors.

I'd like to cite the precedent of Becca
versus Baum in my briefcase to

illustrate my point.

Your Honor,

a prosecution is citing precedent, which
is absolutely irre... Here's a bomb in

my briefcase!

Free!

Anybody makes the teeniest, tiniest move
and Fielding gets blown to kingdom come.

Just think, Dad.

All I have to do is push this little
button.

This is more fun than watching
horseflies explode in the bug

zapper.

Mister, do you really think you can get
away with this? This building is

crawling. with highly trained and
heavily armed security personnel.

Many of whom are not blindfolded.

Oh, did I miss anything?

What do you people keep coming back in
here for?

This briefcase is filled with deadly
explosives.

Hey, we just couldn't stand the thought
of being outside while our good friend

Dan was in here with his life on the
line.

Don't give me that crap.

Fielding doesn't have any friends.

Boy, this guy's done his homework.

Tell you what, Dan.

This show of support by your friends has
convinced me not to blow you up. It has?

It has!

Provided you can tell me who I am before
the timer goes off.

You taught Birchfield, and you found me
in your fiancé's refrigerator the night

before your wedding.

You're Bob Underwood, and you found me
in your refrigerator the night after

your wedding.

This is exciting. I have to go to the
bathroom.

That'll give you some time to think
about it. You have 17... Don't make that

16 minutes, Dan.

Dan, come here, quick.

Ross, I'll have these things off you in
no time. Oh, right.

Oh, by the way, I wouldn't try cutting
Dan's handcuffs. That would cut the

circuit and detonate the bomb
immediately.

Guess I can kiss off that five bucks you
owe me.

Gosh, I wish I knew what to say to her.

All right, Joy, that's where we want to
plant?

Fine. But just remember, it takes two to
tango, five to form a conga line, and

only one to do the twist.

What the hell am I talking about?

That's what I'd like to know.

Joy? You know something, kiddo? You are
really screwed up.

Oh, really?

What makes you so sure of that?

Because you're sitting in the ladies'
room.

That would explain all the screaming
when I walked in.

Yeah. Well, how about trying making me
scream once in a while, huh? Like in

delight?

Look, Joy, you know how I feel about
you. You're tops in my book.

Bull, I don't want to be tops in your
book. I want to be topless on your

dining table.

But I got plenty of chairs.

Bull, can't you get it through that
thick, bloated...

Cotton Dacron skull?

Did you put your shorts on over your
head again?

It's a blindfold.

I've been wearing it all day.

I wanted to understand what it's like
for you.

You know, to feel defenseless and
helpless.

Oh, excuse me. Did you say helpless?

Yeah. Oh, now it'll start to make sense.

You... been treating me the way you have
because you'd feel like you were taking

advantage of me.

Well, I would be taking advantage of
you. You're blind.

You don't even know what I look like. My
fingers tell me you're a cross between a

Cro-Magnon man and a balloon at the
Macy's parade.

You're just saying that.

Fool.

I'm a full functioning, totally capable
human being.

I'm also a W-O-M-A-N.

A wombat?

A woman!

Bull! Can't you understand what that
means?

Can I think about it?

Think about this, Buzzhead. I may be
blind, but I have needs, I have desires,

and if those construction workers can be
believed, I have a bodacious booty!

if you get me out of this one, I'll
never abuse dairy products again.

You've only got nine minutes left, Dan.

Okay, all four basic food groups.

Somebody call the bomb squad.

Hallelujah!

Okay,

where's the bomb?

Right here.

Oh, boy, I'll bet someone's shorts are
full of bricks right now, huh?

The detonator could come back any
second. Yeah, let's have a look at this

baby, huh?

You have done this before, haven't you?
Oh, yeah, hundreds of times. After a

while, you get kind of philosophical. I
mean, one false snip and boom!

You're gone!

Well, let's crack this puppy open and
see what happens.

No! I don't want you touching my bum.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

Oh, there you are.

I don't believe you've met Harry's gavel
repairman.

You don't fool me.

He's from the bomb squad. I ought to
blow you up right now.

Now, I don't know what it was that Dan
did to you, but I'm sure that whatever

it was, he would now be willing to
apologize for it. He's had over 25 years

to apologize.

It happened 25 years ago?

Did it involve a person, place, or
thing?

With Dan, it usually involves all three.

Dan, think!

You've only got four minutes left!

Wait! The initials on the briefcase had
E.C.

Getting warmer.

Come on, Dan. Think. E.C.

I got it!

You're Everett Cummings, and I slept
with three generations of your family!

Oh, but I'd love to hear the story
sometime.

I can't concentrate. My mind is going
all over the place.

The rest of you will be, too, if you
don't come up with that name.

Twenty-five years ago, I was in
Louisiana in high school.

I knew it was the... Carter.

But no, his name was Stinky Carter. He
was a little short guy, wore glasses,

plaid shirt, button all the way to the
top.

Stinky!

The name is Ernest.

Ernest Carter.

I always hated the name Stinky.

Not that I'd expect someone like you to
know that. The man who shattered my

dreams and ruined my life.

What are you talking about, ruined your
life?

The district science fair.

You deliberately destroyed my
battery-operated sewage treatment plant.

This is coming back to me now, I
remember it, but it was an accident.

That was a malfunction with my model of
the female reproductive system.

The inflatable woman ruptured.

across the room and smashed into my
sewer of the future.

Lost the scholarship, spent the next 15
years of my life emptying septic tanks.

I don't mean to interrupt, but that
clock's still ticking and Dan did guess

who you are. That's right. A deal's a
deal. You gotta let him go.

No! I changed my mind.

You can't! Why not?

Because!

Because I called no changes before.

Listen to me. If you back out on the
deal now, you'll be no better than Dan.

What? Well, you don't like him because
he's a worthless, low-life, subhuman

slug, right?

Right. Well, now, if you go back on your
word, you're going to be just like him.

That's right. That's right. You'll be
nothing but a double-crossing, festering

slimeball whose word is good for
nothing.

A backstabbing, deceitful degenerate. A
twisted, two-faced scuzzbucket.

Oh, my God.

You're right.

I see it now.

What I've done is totally wrong.

If I did this, I'd be just like Dan.

Nothing better than the doggy stuff on
the bottom of mankind's shoe. That's it.

There, it's off.

Here are the keys to the handcuffs.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, I'm free. I'm
saved!

I'm tall, I'm fashionable, and I'm saved
thanks to you guys. You saved me by

convincing him I was a worthless,
degenerate piece of human trash.

Drinks are on me!

The man is proud of it. Tell you one
thing he's not very proud of. His name.

Do you know he changed it?

Oh, yeah, we met his parents. We
understand his name used to be Elmore.

Oh, no, that's his last name. His first
name, too.

You mean Dan's name isn't Dan?

No. It's... Uh, Arnie.

Pal. Buddy. Friend.

Reinhold.

Reinhold.

Okay, okay, okay, fine, fine. The truth
is out. Go ahead.

Have your fun.

Get it out of your system.

Dan, this isn't something you do all at
once. This is something you savor over

years.

Hey, how come this thing is still
ticking?

Well, it's one of two things.

It's either a harmless strobing quartz
oscillator or... Run for your life!

Hello?

Harry!

Court's been dismissed.

I've been working on the railroad all
the little long day.

Well, if it isn't Perry Coma.

Joy.

Come here.

What is it?

I've got something I want to say to you.

Yes?

I could smell you coming a mile away.

You ought to write greeting cards, you
know that?

No. I mean, I smell that fragrance of
copier fluid you always have on your

hands. And I knew you were near.

Just like I can hear that precision
ticking of your $2 watch.

I guess the eyes aren't the only senses
we have.

Pretty perceptive.

Almost good enough to be blind?

Almost.

Joy, I've been a real ass.

Go on.

I've been treating you like some
helpless, fragile invalid who isn't

capable of taking care of herself.

And the truth is, you can see a lot of
things more clearly than I can.

Yeah.

Like how big your heart is.

Come over here and park that bodacious
booty next to me.

Oh, why, Mr. Shannon, on this big, long,
hard table?

Why, whatever would we do on it?

Smooch?

Make that a frenzy of pagan lust and you
got a deal.

Okay.

Come in.

Lip lock.

Did anybody see Bull?

No, why?

Somebody said they saw him heading
toward the...

Joy? Bull? Are you okay?

Oh, great.

Come on, Bull. There must be some place
around here where we can get some

privacy. Yeah, some place less drafty.

Excuse me.

Could you pass me the sugar, please?

Reinhold?

Goodbye, Ernie.

Goodbye, Dan.

Little maggot.

How dare you come in here and ruin my
life by telling everybody my name is

Reinhold. Hey, hey, hey.

Just thank your lucky stars I didn't
tell them about the accordion.