Original subtitles

Dude, that environmental film we watched was a mind blower.

I'm serious.

When I say I feel bad for people who haven't seen it.

Oh, I feel so sorry for the fools that aren't even

intelligent enough to follow along

with an environmental film.

I mean-- and I don't want to get into it,

but you know what it is--

the educational system.

And I don't want to get into it. - I know.

Yo, dudes, the food truck outside, the guy

dropped a corn dog on the ground,

and then he gave it to me for free.

And then he only charged me $2 for the mustard.

BLAKE: Come on, Adam, get your head in the game.

We are stocking up for an imminent earthquake

tsunami hear.

Except earthquakes and tsunamis aren't real.

What is real is an earthquake punani.

It's a sex move that I made up when you guys were watching

dumb environmental films. It goes like this.

It comes. Rolls in.

Rolls in. - Is that your penis?

ADAM: Yeah, that's my penis.

OK.

ADAM: Now the whole house is shaking.

I'll chill for a second.

After shock. After shock.

After shock.

There's a private moment for your life.

Stop it. - Aftershock.

Educational system at work.

- What education system, right? - Exactly.

My goodness.

Hey, Adam, maybe, whoa--

I'd be so good at sucking. What's up?

Adam, next time we're watching an environmental film,

you may want to come into the room and--

I don't know-- try to follow along.

That is, if you even have the attention span.

Watch this.

Focus of a laser.

Nothing will break this focus.

Absolutely nothing.

Who wants to play hide and seek?

OK. I'll hide first.

Close your eyes. Do not look.

- OK. - Come on.

All right.

I saved the corn dog.

THEME SONG: I'm fresh.

You gotta.

You gotta.

You gotta be fresh.

What do you need a new vest for?

What, they're on sale.

They mark it up just to mark it down.

You're still getting robbed.

I'll try on anyway.

Sh.

I'm hiding.

Of course, you are, buddy.

My friend is coming.

Just-- - OK.

Take it easy.

Jeez.

Hey, owe, they outsmarted me. ANDERS: Right.

Yeah, we were definitely still looking for you.

Let's get out of here, man. - Oh, yeah.

Come on. - I'm not going to go yet.

OK?

They freaking blew my cover, so I'm going to hide again.

Start counting. Start counting.

Adam, let's go, dude.

Turn around.

Do not look where I'm hiding.

Sorry.

Bless his heart.

You guys look after him?

I guess.

I mean, he is a little cuckoo, but you know.

Yeah, cuckoos is the way to put it.

He's insane.

He's like almost split opened his head 100 times.

His brain is like scramby eggs up they're.

It's bad.

Not like we got to wipe his butt or anything.

Ah, actually, there were the last three Super Bowls.

Right.

And every St. Patrick's Day, a lot of green--

well, anyway.

LUKE: My name is Luke Fox, and my associate, Mr. Barnes

and I happen to be members of a progressive think tank

where we come up with creative ways

to help the less fortunate.

Yeah, we do that in our spare time.

We're both CEOs of Fortune 500 companies by trade.

Oh.

Really?

Every month, we select a brain-damaged teen or adult

to experience an all-expenses-paid

wilderness adventure at our lodge in Big Bear.

We'd like to invite you guys and Adam to be our guests.

LUKE: Yeah.

And you better bring your appetites because we

eat breakfast for every meal.

Yeah.

We're in.

We'd love to do that.

That's really cool. - Great.

And I think it will be a terrific experience for Adam

to be exposed to nature.

And that's--

ADAM: [YELLING]

Hey, Adam.

Hey.

How was the car ride?

You see any animals?

It's awesome.

I thought I saw a raccoon, but it was just a plastic bag.

ANDERS: Sorry.

We're late because we didn't have any cell service,

so we lost direction on the way.

Oh, yes. Sorry.

No cell service.

But you get used to it, and it helps you unplug and unwind.

Yeah.

Let me have your car keys in case I need to get out

the driveway, go to the store. - That's OK.

Just let me know. I'll move it.

It's a little tricky.

Easier if I have your keys.

I might have to take multiple trips.

Hate to run out of pancake mix.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You don't want to see him when he runs out of mix.

Don't want to see it.

I don't want to see that.

Give the man your keys, Anders.

OK. All right.

There you go. Sorry.

LUKE: Yeah. Come on in.

We're making breakfast.

Cool.

Hey, guys, just remember, we're about to rub elbows

with some fortune 500 brothers. Behave.

Give us some [INAUDIBLE].

- Rubbing elbows. - Give me the bow.

- Rubbing elbows. - Give me the bow.

- Rubbing elbows. - Give me the bow.

Rubbing elbows. Give me.

Can we stop doing that?

Unless you ask me to do that, in which case,

can I do that with you guys?

Whoa.

This is cool.

ANDERS: Oh, my god, look at those stairs.

ADAM: Look at this stuff.

And who is this gigantic man taking pictures of me?

Ah, I see you've met the final guest for the weekend.

Gentlemen, this is Jim Raines.

Fresh meat.

Huh.

Fresh meat.

He's fun.

Is that your bathroom?

I've got to tinkle.

I've had like four sugar-free--

Don't open that door!

There's just a little something in there

that we're going to give you at the end of the weekend,

and we don't want to spoil the surprise.

I love surprises.

Nearest bathroom is right upstairs.

OK.

Time me. Time me.

Time me. - All right.

- Are you timing? - I'm timing.

Gentlemen, please.

Absolutely.

Please.

Thank you.

Very nice.

This place looks like it costs a billion dollars.

How rich are you? - OK.

Anders, eat, baby.

Don't be gouache.

What he means is if there's any secrets to success

you can fill us in with.

You know, business or women wise.

It is a guy's trip, after all.

Sure.

I have one.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

ANDERS: Build a door.

So you're saying we should open

like a doorstop or something?

[LAUGHING]

What?

[INAUDIBLE] no. Psych.

[PHONE RINGS]

Yeah.

Yo.

There are three of them.

Listen, I can't talk right now, but we might need

more bullets in case they run.

Everything OK?

Everything is great.

What was that about the bullets?

Sometimes Mr. Barnes organizes hunting expeditions

up here during the week.

I'm sure the call was about that, right?

That's exactly what it was.

ANDERS: Ah. yeah. Makes sense.

BARNES: Why don't you go put your gear down

while we prepare lunch.

Don't you mean breakfast?

You remembered.

Of course, I did.

I'm telling you guys something's not right.

Yeah, dude.

I totally agree.

You heard that guy Barnes on the phone.

He said something about bullets, and then he

mentioned three of them.

ADAM: You're being ridiculous.

That weird one probably just huffed too much paint as a kid.

It happens to the best of us.

Something is definitely up, and I

think it has something to do with that room

they wouldn't let Adam into. - Right.

What was that? - Dude, don't.

No.

I'm going downstairs.

I'm going to snoop around.

Adam, when are you going to learn how to piss

and talk at the same time?

You know, honestly, I don't know.

It's been something that I've been doing with like--

oh, my god. Dude, I'm doing it.

Ders, do you hear it?

I do hear it. That's awesome, man.

Good for you.

LUKE: Should have taken the call outside.

You almost ruined the whole weekend.

Relax.

They didn't know what I was talking about.

We got to water these plants more often.

They look dead.

These new guns we got, serious firepower.

Probably blow their heads clean off.

Yeah? Well, that won't be necessary.

We kill the small one.

That's it.

RAINES: What about the other two?

Might as well.

BARNES: If we have to.

I'm going to get more bullets in the garage.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh.

We have to get out of here.

They're hunting us for sport. - What?

What?

They've got guns, and Adam is the target.

And they'll kill us too if they have to.

That's why they invited us here.

No, dude.

They invited us to rub our elbows and to groom us.

Yeah, exactly.

Their fortune 500 business dudes, so why would

they ever want to help some non-fortune 500 business dudes?

No. No.

Dude, they hunt the weak.

They drink our blood.

They live forever.

It's pretty cool.

500.

Fortune 500.

Oh, my god.

It's years.

They're vampires.

Life is the greatest fortune.

It's 500 years.

You're right.

OK.

Well, I'm going to say it's a misunderstanding

and go get breakfast right now. So--

- OK. - Adam.

Adam.

You go out there, you're the breakfast.

There were corpses, cadavers, animals hanging everywhere

and a little plaque with your name on it

where his head was supposed to go.

Oh, yeah.

One other thing.

A jar with a human ding-dong in it, dude.

So please stop being stupid and listen to us.

ADAM: Wait a second.

How big was the ding-dong?

Massive.

Like five inches. - My god.

That is why they chose me, right?

Because mine is almost that size.

And then they took your car keys, right?

Oh, god. Yes, they did.

And I know my phone doesn't have service.

Does your phone service?

None of our phones--

My cell phone doesn't have service.

Does your cell phone have service?

Nope.

ADAM: And you said your phone doesn't have service, right?

Phone doesn't work.

Anders, is your cell phone out of service?

Out of batteries.

And I said my phone doesn't have service,

so what should we do?

We're going to get the hell out of here.

ANDERS: Yep.

Out this window, man. Come on.

Let's get out of here.

Come on!

Great call, Ders.

Just lift. OK.

Here we go.

You, come here.

Excellent. OK.

- That's the back of my nuts. - OK.

That's the front of my nuts.

Remember that tree.

That's our landmark.

I definitely want a penis, but I think I would want,

like, both parts, you know? - Dude.

- Perfect. - Yes.

Yes. - A body of water.

- Yes. - That's sick.

Yes.

That is perfect.

Why is it perfect, though?

What do you mean, dud?

This is like survivalist 101.

You get into the water.

They can't track you, OK?

You disappear.

OK, but that water, it looks disgusting, so I'm

going to do my own thing.

Adam, you've eaten donuts out of a toilet.

This water is fine.

M-m, yeah.

OK.

Yeah, very soothing.

It's like a spa day.

We just take ourselves a trip to Bed, Bath, and Body Works.

M-hm. For sample.

Well, I'm going to loop around,

and I'll see you on the other side.

Enjoy getting water critters climbing up your bean whole,

OK?

OK.

All right.

Whatever, Adumb.

Good one.

It's actually really cold.

You sure there aren't any three wolves out there?

That's what the ranger said on the phone.

So the small one might be rabbit.

Jeesh.

Oh, better keep that to ourselves, guys, OK?

Ah!

There's something on my tongue. - Stop.

I told you not to go under the water.

What are you talking about?

You've got leeches on your eyes.

Ah!

What did you do to me?

ADAM: It was a beautiful walk.

What happened to you too?

Well, we just took a couple of laps, just went swimming.

Not a big deal.

Why are you talking like that?

Because Ders ripped a leech off my tongue,

and I think I'm catching a cold.

And that's from the pond? The leech?

No.

That had nothing to do with it. Let's go.

Guys?

We've got pancakes.

Guys?

Oh, shit.

ADAM: Whoa.

Cool.

Random house in the woods.

Hey, Adam, no.

Don't you get it?

Nothing is random.

This is all part of their plan.

Yeah, man.

You go into that cabin, it is like suicide, dude.

The floor, it opens up.

You fall into a bed of spikes.

You're dead fatality style.

So just stay out here and start a fire

so we can get warm while we think

of a plan to get to safety.

You got matches?

You got matches on you?

Check your wet pockets.

BLAKE: Check the barrel.

There's not going to be any matches in the barrel of the--

there are matches right here.

Always check the barrel of the firepit

for matches to build a fire.

That's like the first place you should look.

ADAM: Well, how come I had to build the fire,

and I can't come up with a plan?

I can make plans.

ANDERS: Because we just watched an environmental

film about surviving an emergency, and you didn't.

Did ya? I don't think so.

So just gather some kindling and make a fire, if you

even know what kindling is.

Do you even know what kindling is?

Do you?

Where I grew up, it was little sticks.

You're such an idiot, Anders, Blake.

You bitch asses.

Fricking stupid--

Oh, dude.

What did the guy do in the environmental flick?

Oh, yeah. That's right.

He got to higher ground so he could be

spotted by the rescue copter.

ANDERS: OK. We'll do that.

What are you doing?

I found an ATV on the side of the house.

What? Are you kidding me?

That's great, man.

Where did you find it. Let's get on it.

Let's get out of here. - Hold on.

I wasn't finished.

And then I siphon all the gas so I could

start the fire more quickly.

That was all the gas?

ADAM: Yeah, it was most of it.

I swallowed a lot of it.

You buffoon.

I think those guys were right.

I think you do have something medically wrong

with your brain.

- What are you talking about? - Shall we tell him?

Look, the reason we're even on this trip

is because those hunter guys think you have brain damage.

We didn't want to tell you about it because we

didn't want to ruin this trip.

It's a nice, free weekend.

You're dumb, dude.

It's just what it is.

You guys think that I've been the dumb one of our group

since the start and end of our friendship?

Yeah. Since then.

I guess this is goodbye.

Hey, Adam, wait.

I just wanted to say, psych. Oh, my god.

Keep walking, please.

BLAKE: You're the bully, he's the dummy, and I'm just cool,

I guess.

Oh, man.

Speaking of cool, I have a leech still on my dick.

That's not cool.

What do you mean?

I'm getting my dick sucked. - OK.

All right.

Maybe I'm the dumb one.

Goodbye, former friends.

Enjoy your environmental films.

ANDERS: Adam, come on.

There isn't any gas.

I know that.

I know there's no gas, and I don't need any.

He's crazy.

[WOLF HOWLING]

Do you hear that?

We've got to find these guys before the wolves do.

Let's go.

Listen.

ATVs.

It's just a joke to these guys. Come on.

We've got to get to higher ground.

No.

Adam is our friend.

If we don't fight back, there's no way

he's surviving this game.

So are you with me?

Fine.

OK. Predator shake?

Yeah.

That.

Hey, what is that?

I don't even know.

Gave me the Beastmaster.

- That's where I got that. - Yeah.

Credit off top. - Yeah.

OK.

Here they come.

Just hold on pants really tight.

Pull.

When we drive through, we knock them off the ATVs.

All right? - Yeah.

This is a really smart plan.

What the heck was that?

Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, looks Like the script is flipped.

That's right.

Good luck hunting people without any bullets, boys.

How does this work? Oh!

Owe!

It's OK. Keep firing.

- Owe! - That really--

Owe!

I think that's it.

That's not it. All right.

Yep. I'm out.

I'm all out.

Back. Back.

Back.

What the hell is the matter with you?

Oh, come on, man. We're on to you.

We know all about your sick plan, hunting humans

just because they're not as smart as you.

What are you talking about, hunting people?

Oh, come on.

The gig is up.

I heard you on the phone saying, the little one is the target.

And then I saw that plaque with Adam's name on it

where his severed head was supposed to go.

We were hunting wolves to protect you.

There were three sighted around here, and one of them

might be rabid.

The plaque is for his picture.

We make one for every guest of honor.

OK. OK.

OK.

So even if this way more plausible explanation is true,

what's with this guy here?

He has a brain injury from concussions.

He was the first guest of honor here.

Ever since I was in the XFL, I've been in constant pain.

I'm sorry.

Did you just say you were in the XFL?

Oh, my god.

The XFL is legendary, man.

Oh, did you know He Hate Me?

Did he like you?

Will he like me?

he Hate Me, love me, but the point is my life

has been a constant torment.

What team were you on?

Where you with the Outlaws or were you--

Maniacs.

You were on the Maniacs. I recognize you.

You are a Maniac.

Wolves.

You were on the Wolves. OK.

A man respects.

Not necessarily the Maniacs. They were cool.

Where was that? Duluth?

BLAKE: No, I think that they were from Washington.

No.

Actual wolves.

Look behind you, you morons.

Oh.

ANDERS: No, I don't want to die, man.

I never got to be Dead Pool for Halloween.

I was never in a threesome, at least one that I

was allowed to participate in.

Yah!

Ders, you can still have your threesome, my man.

And Blake, you'll get to do the thing that you want to do,

even though I was too far away to hear exactly what that was.

Here kitty.

Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

Adam, where did you get the flair, man?

I got it from the cabin.

I took a shower, and I also ate some peaches,

but while I was eating those peaches, I thought,

there's no way that I can let my friends

be killed by these freaking murderous, villainous business

men.

Because not saving your friends, that really is stupid.

ANDERS: Right.

So not actually killer business, dudes.

We didn't know. He didn't know.

Come on, man. Throw the flair at the wolves.

Make them go away.

Adam.

Adam, what are you doing?

Do not be stupid, OK?

Just listen to the intelligent people for once.

There are different kinds of intelligence, Anders.

There's environmental-film-watching

intelligence, there's artificial intelligence,

and there's the kind of intelligence

that I have that knowing that when

you swallow a bunch of gasoline, it'll turn poop into fireballs.

Intelligence.

Oh, it's worse coming back up.

It's OK, little kitty.

ANDERS: Awesome!

It worked!

The wolves started running away!

We lied about Adam.

He Doesn't actually have any kind of brain problems,

but we wanted a free trip.

So he's obviously not even the dumbest guy in our group.

There is no dumb one in your group,

because you're all equal fucking idiots.

If we don't contain this fire, the whole forest could burn.

Wait.

What about that human penis I found in the jar.

Oh, sh.

Guys, I have too much money, OK?

And with the internet, forget about it.

So save drive, OK?

And that's a weird place, man.

I guess if I had like a billion dollars, I might want a dick.

Hey, I think I know what we could watch on the way home.

I still have it on my phone.

- The environmental film? - M-hm.

That would be awesome, dude.

Dude, if you like "Central Intelligence,"

you'll love this movie.

It's got Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

He's a mogul.

What's it called?

"Sand and Rayeth."

I didn't understand.

What did he say? - "San Andreas."

Oh. OK.

Cool. - Yeah.

- Night. - Nice.

Footprints, Adam.

OK.

Ah, don't we think that this is just wasting precious time,

that we should keep going?

OK.

Do you want to live, or do you want to die?

Quick test.

I want to live.

All right.

Let's start acting like it, OK?