All language subtitles for Workaholics.S07E05.Faux.Chella.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-TEPES_track3_[eng]

all: ♪ Hello, hello,
hello, hello ♪

♪ We'’re going
to the circus ♪

- ♪ And going to the circus
and play with ♪

♪ All the little animals

♪ And the big animals

- Yeah! It'’s over?
Okay.

That'’s really great.
Rock on.

- ♪Yeah ♪

♪

- Thank you!
- You freaking rock!

- Yeah!
- We'’re gonna go ahead

and take a real quick
smoke break.

both: Whoo!
- They suck.

- Man, they'’re bad.
- They'’re really, really bad.

- It'’s crazy.
- Just, like...

off tempo timing.
- It'’s not even music.

- It'’s like,
where are they going?

I don'’t even know
how they got stage time.

- Yeah, it'’s probably '’cause
it'’s Coachella this weekend,

so, like, no one'’s here.
- It'’s so much money.

- It'’s so corporate, you know?
- So expensive.

- Instead of, um--

Instead of Coachella,
it should be called

Whole Paycheckella.

[laughter]

- Do you guys wanna
go to the bathroom?

- Hey, actually, um,
there'’s a music festival

this weekend at our house.

We'’re--that we'’re throwing.

And it'’s called Faux Chella.

- Oh yeah, oh, yeah.
That festival.

Faux Chella '’cause there'’s
"fo" stages.

- No, no. Well, sure.
- Right?

And there'’s a huge band, uh,
that is gonna play.

And that band is...

Third Eye Blind.

- Seriously?
- Oh.

She'’s obsessed.
- Wait, are you guys serious?

Third Eye Blind is gonna be
at your music festival?

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

- Here, here, type your info
in my phone and we will

totally roll through.
- I'’d love to. I'’d love to.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.

- Totally.
- This is where I come in.

I'’m gonna bare my soul
on stage and...and Riverdance.

Actually, I'’ll show you guys
a little sample if you'’d like.

- Yeah.
- Absolutely.

Hey, Fade fellas can I get
a little Irish jig, please.

[Irish jig music]

- Wedgie!
- Whoa!

- Pull it down, please, Ders!
- That'’s--now it'’s funny.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, yeah?

[screaming]

- Oh, no!
- Don'’t look! Don'’t look.

- Just doing what
you asked, pal.

- Oh, this next song
goes out to Blake Henderson.

- ♪ How many times a day
do you wish ♪

♪ That you had a bigger dick?

- Seven.

- Seven.
♪ One, two, three

♪ Four, five, six
all: ♪ And seven

[The Skinny Boys'’ "Jock Box"]

♪

- ♪ I'’m fresh ♪

♪ You gotta, you gotta,
you gotta ♪

♪ Gotta be fresh

[upbeat music]

- Okay, very good, very good.
- All right.

Ders, we'’re starting
with the comedy, okay?

- Yeah.
- And I don'’t want you

to be nervous
that you'’re gonna bomb.

- Heh, okay, I'’m not.
- Okay, but if you are,

I did download this cool little,
like applause app

that will...
[laughter]

sweeten the laughter
if you need it.

- Not gonna need it.
[text message tone]

- Uh-oh.
Oh, it'’s the girls.

They are saying they are coming

but only if
Third Eye Blind is here.

- So is Third Eye confirmed?
- Yeah.

- More or less, they are.
- Yes.

- Yeah, I emailed
their Hotmail account

and I got a reply, like,
right away

from this dude named
Mailer Daemon,

I think it'’s their, like,
French manager or something.

- Hey, dude, can you
text them something for me?

- Okay.
- Say...

"The Lord of the Riverdance
has been a-practici'’'

and he'’s ready to--
- Shut up, Blake.

- Yeah.
- He'’s not gonna text them that.

- Shut up
- You know why?

'’Cause women don'’t
respond to that.

In fact, it makes their vaginas
just swell shut.

- Okay?
- I know that, I know that.

- It'’s like you don'’t like...

sideboob.
- I love that.

- Or under butt.
- I love that even more.

- Oh, best of all,
the underboob.

- Underneath the boob.
- Where it hangs out down here.

So if you could do me a favor
and please get real!

- And act real, Blake!
- All right.

- It'’s joke time.

- It'’s joke time.

- I don'’t know why
you'’re being sad.

Blake, what'’s the deal, man?

I thought I asked
for prosciutto.

- Welcome to...

Faux Chella!

You guys ready to laugh today?

I can'’t hear you!
[overlapping mumbling]

Okay, when I say, "laugh,"
you say, "ter."

Laugh.

[all unenthusiastically]
Ter.

- When I say, "comed,"
you say "y."

Comed.

[all unenthusiastically]
Y.

- Now we'’re cooking with gas!

Let'’s give it up for
the one and only

comedian you'’re gonna
see this afternoon,

the great Dogfather of Comedy,

Anders Holmvik!

[applause]

- Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo,
hoo, hoo, hoo!

You know it!
You know it!

Let me hear my dogs!

My motherfucking
Rancho Cucamonga dogs!

Me and the boys
went out last night.

You ever notice how
a Chihuahua looks like your boy

who just woke up on the couch
all hung-over like...

"Hey, man, you got any water?"

- [laughs]

- [laughs]

[laughter]

Love my dogs. I got a dog.
I got a Doberman Pinscher.

I walk it every day.
I took it out the other day

just to take a dookie, right.

You know how dogs look at you
like this...

when they'’re taking a dookie?

And now I look at his butthole

to see what'’s coming out,
just to see the dookie,

and make sure my dog is healthy

'’cause I care about
my dogs, right?

And I look down, and I see
a tapeworm like--

And I'’m like, "What?"
[laughter]

And he looks at me like.

"You gonna get that?
You gonna pick that up?"

And I look right back
at that motherfucker like,

"Not today, motherfucker!"

Whoo!
[laughter]

I ain'’t fucking
with no tapeworms.

[Irish music]
Uhh, you know what?

Just a minute,
I'’ll be right back.

Be sure to check out
the t-shirts

at the merch table.

They are on fleek.
Be right back.

- And then after
the storm subsided,

the drops of rain on the river
looked as if they were dancing.

Well enough of my talking.

What do you say we get
into some Riverdancing?

- No!
- Uh, what? Hey!

- You will never Riverdance!
- Let me go!

- Not on this stage!
- Stop it!

I will--ow! Ow!
- It'’s okay. Stand back.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Do it!

- You wanna dance, that'’s fine.

You just better make it
a rain dance.

- What are--what are you doing?
What are you doing?

- Oh! Oh, ho, ho!
- [screaming]

- Are you fucking crazy?

Ah, put it out!
Oh, put it out!

- You want me to put it out?
- Oh, oh, my God, oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
What are you doing?

[sizzling]
- Ohh!

- Oh, God.

[both yelling]

- Okay, mine'’s gonna
start in a second.

- Stop!
- You got this.

- I'’ll kick your dickhead off,
you idiot.

- I'’m sorry, man.
- You freaking psychos!

I hate you!
- Hey, uh, give me that beer.

- I hate you, Adam DeMamp.

- Whoo! Whoo!
- I hate you.

Anders Holmvik, I hate you.
- Ooh!

- Oh! I'’m all done.
- This will never be forgiven.

- We just didn'’t want you
to embarrass us

in front of those three girls
we just met and decided to throw

an entire musical festival for.
Is that too much to ask?

- I'’m calling my uncle.

And he'’s gonna come here,

and he'’s gonna beat
both your asses.

- Oh, no.
Suddenly, you got a scary uncle?

He'’s gonna beat us up?
- I'’m Blake'’s uncle

and I'’m here to fight for him.
[both laugh]

- You keep laughing
with your mouth open,

he'’s gonna stick his fist
down your throat!

- As long as he doesn'’t
Riverdance on me,

I think we'’re good.
- Whatever. [stammering]

You don'’t have to worry
about Riverdancing,

he'’s gonna buttfuck
you and you.

♪

♪

- Hello and welcome to...

the Body Stage!

Where I will be performing
feats of strength and skill

by clean and jerking four
gallons of lead-based paint

without spilling a single drop.
[cheering]

[screams]

[screaming]
- Oh!

- Ooh! Oh, that was cool, right?
[laughter]

That was--oh, we'’re laughing?
That was funny?

For my next feat,
I shall husk this corn

using nothing
but my butt cheeks.

[engine rumbling]

Flex them like a--ah.

- You Adam?
- Yeah.

- You Ders?
- Yeah.

- Okay, well, welcome
to Faux Chella.

Uh, take--weird parking spot,

but if you wanna
stand over there,

you can watch me make dinner

with nothing but my b-hole.

Excuse me, I was--oh! Oh!

- This is for Blake.

- [screaming]

- Yeah! Yeah!

- [screaming]

Oh! Oh!

- Blake--no--ah! Hey!

Ow! Sir! Ow! Ow!

Ow, wait--

[cheers and applause]
- Oh! Standing ovation!

- I just--wanted to--

I didn'’t like that.

- And now that is entertainment!
Isn'’t it?

- I didn'’t like that.
- Uncle Mike! What is up?

What'’s it been, like, ten? 15?
Like, 25 years?

I don'’t know, you'’re not
in my life at all, really.

- What the hell
is wrong with you?

You gotta call someone else
to handle your shit?

- Uh, okay, come on,
just Hender hug, man.

Whoa! Okay!
- Is that a man thong?

- What? No, it'’s a dance belt!
That'’s a dan--

[smacking]
Ow! What are you doing?

What are you doing?
Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ah, ah--for my--
- Now get out of here.

And don'’t come back
till you knock me on my ass.

- Oh, I think he
popped a butt cheek.

- Insurance.
- It hurts even to

get the wallet out, doesn'’t it?

- Well there we go.
- Our bottoms were paddled

by this man'’s...
- Shut up.

- Idiot uncle.
- Yeah.

- And, uh, they'’re sore.
- Smarter than you.

- They hurt. We think
we ruptured something.

- Yeah, no, it'’s really severe.
- It is.

It is pretty bad.
- Yep.

Ahh, ahh.
- Was it bad?

- And my thong is just--
oh, my dance belt'’s

getting swallowed up
by my cheeks.

- Pull your damn pants up!
- Sorry.

- Ahh.
- You'’re not the doctor?

- You see, I'’m very worried

that my inner butthole
may be dead

because the--what'’s the--
is it the sphincter?

- Yeah.
- It'’s the mouth.

- Not really--
- The butt mouth.

- Yeah, the butt mouth
isn'’t really puckering

the way it should.

- Okay, let'’s get you a room.

- Ah, sorry.
- Man I'’ve been

waiting her for six hours!

- Well they have insurance.
You don'’t.

What you want me to say?

- Does that guy have a sandwich
baggie full of his fingers?

[door buzzer sounds]

- He'’ll be all right.

- Well I hope you'’re happy,
Blake.

We'’re probably gonna miss
the festival girls, so...

see you later, sideboob.
- See you later, underboob.

- See you later, under butt.

- I just wanted to dance,
damn it.

- Would you do me a favor
and go fuck yourself?

- God damn it!
Why are you such a bully?

Both of you!
- Give it a rest!

- You bullied us
into bullying you.

- Oh, did I?
Why don'’t you bully this?

- Hey!
- Ow! That'’s a--

- Ow.
Don'’t you do it! Ow!

- Oh you got me
right in the buttocks.

[yelling over each other]

- You want--
- [screams]

- Hold him down!
Hold him down!

[screaming]

Ohh!

Oh, oh.
- Now he'’s a blood mess.

- Dance kick!
both: Oh!

- [screams]

- Help!
- You stop it!

Why don'’t you stop it?
- Help!

- Get your balls off me.
- Sorry about that.

- [chuckles] I, uh--
- What'’s going on, man?

Do you need some medicine or,
like, a surgery or something?

- If you guys
are done grab assing,

you can grab my ass
and take me to the toilet.

[all laughing]
- Yeah, yeah, we'’re gonna

help him to the toilet--
- That'’s funny.

- Wait are you serious?
- There you go.

- Oh, give him a--
- Oh.

- Yeah. Oh, wait a second.

- Uh, are you sure
you don'’t want some privacy?

- When I overheard
you boys fighting,

uh, it reminded me
of my best friend, Luke.

He spent his whole life
wanting to be

the host of a cooking show

and I told him Julia Child
you ain'’t.

Which threw him into
a "Tailspin" audition.

He had done a ton of these
cartoon voice-over jobs

and he hated it.

Anyway, he blew his brains out.

- Hey, sir, are you sure
that your friend

specifically killed himself
because you didn'’t

encourage him to pursue
his dreams? That'’s--

- Uh, yes.
In fact, he wrote a long letter,

telling me it was all my fault.

- Oh, my God.
- I carry it with me

wherever I go.

- Okay, shut up real quick
because I have an idea.

What if Blake
blows his brains out

just because he didn'’t do
what he loves?

- Well--
- Because we made fun of him

so much.
- Oh, my God.

- That'’s why I told you--
- Shut up, real quick.

Life'’s too short
to not do what you love.

Fortunately for me,
I'’ve kind of already

done everything I wanted
to do with my life.

- Yeah, I mean, same here.
I mean, I'’ve had anal.

- What?
- I'’ve done--I'’ve done anal

to someone.
- That'’s not what

you said, though.
- Look, what I'’m trying to say

is Blake, I am sorry
for not letting you do

what you wanna do,
which was dancing.

And for me, which, that would be
the anal that I had

when that occurred.
- Right, right.

- Okay, shut up.
Shut up.

Just real quick.

Blake, when we go back
to Faux Chella,

you gotta dance, my man.

Or something cooler than that.

- Yeah. Anything.
- Anything cooler than that.

- Shut up.
- Okay.

- Shut up.
- Okay.

- Okay, shutting up.

- Because that apology
feels so good.

It'’s like
a warm blanket over me.

- [farting]
- And I wanna go home

and I wanna save
this music festival

that we threw for three,
lucky, random ladies

that we met for, like,
ten minutes

at the bar the other day.
- If that.

- Let'’s do this for them!
- Wait a minute, wait, wait!

There'’s no toilet paper.
all: Shut up!

- Wait--

[laughs]

Thank you, Luke.

- Yo, what up, Faux Chella,

we are Fade Up Fade Out Bye Bye.

So, like, bonjour!
- Bonjour!

- Bonjour. Bonjour
- Bonjour. Bonjour.

♪ Pardon mon moi

♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

♪ Hello there

- Stop!

♪ Merci--
- Stop!

- What? Whoa.
- The fuck is this?

- That'’s a guiro, sir.

- I don'’t like this song.
I don'’t like you.

And I definitely don'’t
like this guiro.

- Okay.
- So break it.

- You cannot ask me
to do this right now.

I'’m playing
in front of six people.

- I'’m not asking, Nancy.
- Dude, this is so fucked up.

This is my grandma'’s guiro, man.

She just got it from Mexico,

and I don'’t know when
she'’s going back.

- Do it!

- Ahh!
[cries]

- Now who'’s next?

Mr. Bassist Man?
- Yeah, I'’ll break it.

I'’ll break it.

- [laughs] Ow. Hey.

- Yours isn'’t that bad.
- Hey, how'’s it going?

Wow. I--I don'’t know.
I just feel bad

leaving these people
in this horrible place.

- Yeah. Let'’s go.
- Oh, dude.

Third Eye Blind will definitely
wanna play the show

if there'’s all these
sick people there.

Bands love benefits.

I'’m gonna email Mailer Daemon
with it.

- Dude, that'’s brilliant.
- Thank you.

- Uh--
[clears throat]

Hey, hey, guys?
We are from Make-A-Wish!

- Yep.
- Oh!

Can we go to Pizza Hut
with Cameron Diaz?

- Uhh--
both: Um--

- We can do--

- ♪ Kick it

♪

♪

- What the hell is this?

- Ah, well,
this is Faux Chella.

It'’s our response to Coachella.

- I thought you said
you were from Make-A-Wish.

- Make-A-Wish-of-Ours.

- You probably didn'’t hear
that second part, "of-Ours."

- Yeah.
- '’Cause you'’re old.

- What we will do,
is we'’ll make our dream

be that your dream is to see
Third Eye Blind.

Later, probably.
- Can we at least

go rollerblading
with Cameron Diaz?

- She loves action sports.
- Lady!

- Please.
- Nobody gives a shit

about Cameron Diaz.
- Hey.

- Hey, you made it!
What'’s up?

- What are you guys wearing?

- This is just festival gear.

You'’ve heard of under butt,
right?

We got full butt.
Whoa! Full butt.

[whistling]
- Oh, wow.

[laughter]

- So, uh,
where'’s, uh, Shannon?

- Uh, it'’s Hannon.

It'’s Hannon, right?
Is she parking?

- Oh, yeah, no.

But my mom and stepdad,
super excited

to see Third Eye Blind,
though.

- "Jumper" was the song
we got married to.

Tom was going through
some stuff.

- There were several
suicide attempts.

But Tina and Megan
pulled me through.

- That'’s why
she likes Third Eye.

- So what time do they go on?

Third Eye Blind?
- Well, we don'’t

know that exactly,
but they just posted

this Instagram picture of them

kicking it poolside.

- That looks like a--

it looks like
a kid'’s birthday party.

- Yeah, well.
- I guess there are

some children there.
- That'’s cool, though.

You know, family time
for busy musicians.

They need it, too, you know?

- And I'’ve been emailing
their manager Mailer Daemon.

Mailer-daemon?
- Mm-hmm.

- Well that is not his name.

It'’s Mailer Daemon.

- Mailer-daemon.
It means that

your email didn'’t go through.

Dumb ass!

- Guys, I really need
to hear them.

- Give us a couple seconds

and we'’re gonna go talk,
send some emails

and, uh, be right back!
- Everything'’s fine.

Everything'’s fine.

- Guys, I hate to admit it,

but I think I was blind
to the fact

that Third Eye Blind'’s
not coming.

- You heard what he said.
All we gotta do

is just "Drunk History"
this thing.

- Oh, I love that show!

- Oh, man! Come on!
- What is that?

What'’s going on?
- Huh?

- Oh, my God,
you'’re such a dickhead!

- Break '’em, now!

- No!

- Hey!
- Look who decided to come back.

- You ready for me to knock you
on your ass, Uncle Mike?

- Yes!
- Yeah! Get him, Beezer!

- Whoo!
- He'’s not actually

gonna do it, right?
- No.

- It'’s gonna be like a dumb
metaphorical thing?

- Yeah.
- Got it.

- Okay Raggedy Andy.
Let'’s see what you got.

- Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, no.

No. That'’s not how
I'’m knocking you on your ass.

- Called it.
- Okay. Shut up.

All right, I'’m gonna
knock you on your ass.

In the sense of the saying.

It'’s a play on words.
- Yeah, knock him on his ass

how the saying goes!
- Thank you!

Now there'’s a friend.
- Is that a saying?

- Not where I grew up.
- Not where I grew up, either.

- Where'’d you grow up?
- Omaha.

- Okay, uh, everybody, we'’re
about to do something very cool.

But first, I just wanted
to say one thing

to Megan'’s stepdad.

You came here because you said

you wanted to hear
Third Eye Blind.

Well, hear you go.

Okay.
- Here it is.

- ♪ I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend ♪

♪ You could cut ties
with all the lies ♪

♪ That you'’ve been living in ♪

♪ And if you do not want
to see me again ♪

♪ I would understand

♪ I would understand

♪ I would understand

♪

- What the fuck is this?

- ♪ Yeah

♪

- Boo!

♪

- ♪ Can you put
the past away? ♪

- ♪ I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend ♪

♪ I would understand

♪ I wish you would step back
from that ledge my friend ♪

♪ I would understand

♪ I wish you would step back
from that ledge my friend ♪

♪ And I would understand
I wish you would step back ♪

♪ From that ledge my friend

♪ I would understand
I wish you would step back ♪

♪ From that ledge my friend

♪ I would understand

[cheers and applause]

- ♪ You gotta
- ♪ Gotta be fresh

[cheering]

- Thank you.

- [crying]

- Oh, my God.
Uncle Mike are you okay?

- I get micromanaged at work.

I can'’t figure out
the stupid computer system.

I get no respect.
- That sucks. Where do you work?

- Hertz.
- You work at Hertz Rent A Car?

- No, I said, "It hurts."

I work at Budget.
The other day I promised

the same Chevy Cruze
to five different people.

Janet yelled at me
in front of everyone.

- Fuck Janet.
- Would you forgive me?

- Of course. But, hey,

you have to admit,
I knocked you on your ass.

- Yeah, emotionally,
you knocked me on my ass.

- Right.
- Hell yeah.

- [laughs]

Oh! Okay!
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!

- Not really. He didn'’t really
knock him on his ass.

- Felt good. [laughs]
- Kinda. Emotionally, he did.

- Hey, thanks for
having my back, guys.

- We just did
what you said to do

But this time in a nice way.
You know?

- Uh, can I get a ride
back to the hospital?

I think I'’m going into shock.

- We tend to have
that effect on people.

- Yeah.
- Oh, he'’s serious.

- Oh, my God.
- Okay, okay.

- He'’s actually really,
really heavy.

- Bite down on this, sir.

- Whoo.
- Honestly, you guys

are better than Third Eye.
- Thank you!

I felt that, when we were--

- Oh, hey, check it out.

This dude really knows
how to party, huh?

- I haven'’t touched
the stuff in years,

but I feel good!
[laughter]

- Hey, uh, you think your
daughter'’s into us, or what?

- Yeah, what about Hannon?

- [sighs] They suck.

So does my life.

Hey, honey!

- Hey, Dad.
- You dare me to jump? [laughs]

- Nope, nope, no, no.

- Third time'’s a charm!
[laughs]

- I think we got
another roommate, huh?

- Nice.

- Come on!

all:
♪ Never ever have I once

♪ Wished for a bigger dick

♪ In my life

[cheers and applause]