All language subtitles for Workaholics.S07E02.Weed.the.People.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-TEPES_track3_[eng]

- Okay, guys, I know
you have been getting

a little bored with the products
that we have been selling,

so today is
very exciting,

'’cause we are going to start
selling a new product!

- Well, that'’s the thing though,
is I don'’t sell products.

I sell, like, vibes,
and right now

the only vibe I'’m catching is
that you looking good, girl.

- Down, boy.
- Ow!

- Now, I could read
off of some

boring, old
product info pamphlet,

but I thought it would be
a lot more fun

if we brought in the inventor
of the product himself,

so put your hands together
for Fireman Ted, huh?

[clapping]

- Huh.
Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, Miss Murphy,
very much.

- Oh, well, thank you,
Fireman Ted.

I thank all of you
for your time.

Let'’s just say
that one night you'’re out

with your best friends
and extended family

enjoying a couple of platters
of Johnsonville brats

when suddenly,
you smell heavy heavy smoke,

and you turn around
only to find

that you are all trapped
by a raging fire.

Blinded by the smoke,
you call out to your buddies,

"Hey, buddies, where are ya?
Where are ya?"

but they can'’t hear you because
of the roar of the raging fire,

and they cannot respond
because of the noxious smoke

that is searing their lungs.
- [coughs]

- And then they die,

and I'’m talking
crispy critter dead.

And you spend
the rest of your life

just wishing there was
something you could have done

to prevent that horror.

The Smoke Cutter.

A safety whistle
with a built-in air filter

which allows its user
to breathe smoke-free

while simultaneously emitting
a very distinct whistle.

[blows distorted whistle]

- Um, do you think you'’re
on "Shark Tank" right now?

[laughter]
- Oh, put that please

in my mou-outh.

- I don'’t care
what you people think,

we are selling
these Smoke Cutters,

and that is final.

- You really think
there'’s any good reason

we'’re gonna sell anything
made by this dork?

- Because...this dork
is my dad!

- [blows distorted whistle]

[The Skinny Boys'’ "Jock Box"]

♪

- ♪ I'’m fresh ♪

♪

♪ You gotta, you gotta,
you gotta--gotta ♪

♪ Gotta be fresh

- Ya!
- Ninja star!

- How dare the two of you
smoke the rest of my stash!

You know that today I didn'’t
"wake and bake," I just waked.

Ow!
You son of a gun!

- Ow!
Oh, that one freakin'’ hurt.

- Dude, are you hurting?
- Yeah, that one sliced me.

- Okay, excuse me.
- Not.

- Excuse me. You guys
haven'’t sold one whistle.

Okay, you know what?
Stop "effing" around

and get back
on the phones, now!

- Look, I don'’t want
to offend you or diss you

by saying what
I'’m about to say, but--

- Your dad'’s Smoke Cutters
blow ass.

- If I shit in a tin cup,
you should be able to sell it.

- We could probably sell that
a little easier

because of, like,
fetish sites and stuff.

- Yeah.
- People are freaks, Alice.

- Ugh.
- Ew!

- Actually,
I'’ll take one.

- Okay, look, I'’m sorry,
but I need you guys

to sell these, okay, because
my dad has been driving me crazy

about giving him grandkids,
so to get him off my ass,

I said, "Why don'’t you
take a business class?

Invent something."

Then he sunk
his life-freaking-savings

into these stupid whistles,
so we have to sell them,

or I gotta find a hubby
and shoot a pup out my hoo-hoo.

- I hear you
loud and clear.

- [laughs] Oh, there you are.
- [laughs]

- This place is
a labyrinth.

- Hey, how'’s it going?
Let me sidle up next to you

and let you know that
my intentions with your daughter

have been and always will be
pure. Hi, I'’m Adam.

- You two are dating?

Oh. [laughs]
- Yes,

in a very significant way.

It started off purely physical,
but then it got emotional,

and then it went
back to physical,

but my intentions are pure.
I want you to know that.

- [laughs] They are.
- Ow. They are.

[both laughing]
Ow. They are.

- Yeah, Adam and I are...
dating.

Anyway, but I wanted
to tell you,

the boys are,
like, super excited

to sell your Smoke Cutters,
aren'’t you, guys?

- Oh? Ooh, nice.
- Yeah.

- So, let'’s get down to it.
How many you sold?

Dozen?
Two dozen?

- Zero.
- Zero for now,

but we are gonna call in

a very wonderful
sales consultant

and just see if he can'’t work
some magic for us, right, guys?

- Yeah, yeah.
- And he will.

I mean, we were just talking
about how fantastic

this Smoke Cutter product is.
- Oh, yeah.

- It'’s the second most fantastic
thing you'’ve created, hmm?

- [laughs] Yeah, oh.
- [chuckles]

- The first being Alice.
You guys got that, right?

- We got it.
- Yeah, okay, cool.

- No, we totally got it.

- Does this look good?

It'’s my new "siggy."
Adam Murphy.

We gon'’ get "maweed."

- Aw.
- And you would take her name?

- Yeah.

- That'’s a bitch move, man.

Obviously, we know
who the submissive one

in that relationship is.

- How are we
on this fine, uh,

whatever-day-it-is morning
or...afternoon?

- Uh, Karl, shut up,
and then now talk

and tell me
why exactly you'’re in my office.

- It'’s your fault, okay?
You were supposed to take me

to him at lunch, so now
he'’s making a delivery, okay?

And I told him to blend in.
I love your suit, Karl.

- Bazinga.

- Ooh.
Okay, yeah,

but can I just have you
hold on for a second?

- Okay, what do we got here?
We got some Green Crack...

- Mm-hmm. Mmm.
- Some Kosher Kush.

- I got a sativa dominant
hybrid.

- Okay, yes,
I like that.

- I don'’t want
any of that Smoke Cutter thing,

but let me get
some of that weed.

My dealer says
SoCal'’s drying out,

and I can'’t get good dank
to save my life.

- You hit the wrong button.
Hang up.

- Uh...wait, what'’s up?

You'’re having trouble
finding weed?

- Is that real, the drought?
- Yeah, it'’s a drought.

- The drought.
- [whispering] Hang up!

- I could probably,
like, hook you--

hook you up with some...
weed, but I mean...

if you buy a whistle, I'’ll--

I'’ll throw in
some of the sticky icky, huh?

- I'’ll take two, brav.

- Oh.
- Tell your friends

we are in business over here.
Give us a call, okay?

And you have a nice one.

- Okay, I'’m sorry,
we'’re doing this?

- And that'’s two whistles sold.
Let'’s go!

[all talking at once]
[blows distorted whistle]

I hate this.
This thing is really stupid.

- You just sold two?

- Yes, I did.

- Sorry,
who the hell are you?

- Sales consultant.

- I thought our regular guy
Devin was coming in.

- Oh, no.
Devin got pink eyes.

- I'’m Ted Murphy,
inventor of Smoke Cutter.

- Mm.
- Welcome aboard.

- Thank you, nice to meet you,
sir.

I am Kyle Newacheck.

[phone ringing]

- Yeah, hello.

- They'’re calling us?

- Absolutely.

I can get you 4 ounces--

of whistles.

That would be, like, uh...

it'’s, like, 32 whistles.
I just--

- OH.
- Yeah, I just sold 32 whistles!

- 32!
- Yeah!

- This Newacheck guy
is on fire.

- Okay, everyone, listen up,
please, listen up!

This is Kyle Newacheck,
and he is a sales guru,

so please listen
to whatever he has to say.

- I don'’t think
that'’s a good idea.

- Okay, cut the shit,
Anders.

You know what,
he sells and you don'’t,

so whatever he wants today
ya fetch, stretch.

Dad? Sales.
- No? All right. All right.

- All right, let'’s go, Dad.
- I love it. All right.

- It'’s a family thing.

- Blake, why don'’t you
go ahead and continue

doing what you do
and make some sales,

and Anders,
let'’s go to the break room.

You'’re gonna microwave me
some toast.

Butter my toast,
will you?

- Karl, get in your van and go
before I make you.

- Okay. So you think
this is your jungle

and you'’re the dominant gorilla,
but nah, brother.

I'’m the silverback daddy now.

- That'’s exactly the kind of
thing that a non-silverback--

what you said--would say,
which I'’m not gonna say

or even repeat, because I am
what this is, for real.

[both slam fists on table]

- So it'’s sexual?
- What?

- You'’re taking
my clothes off.

You'’re trying to dominate me
sexually.

- [laughs] No, I'’m not.

- But I'’m the dom,
and you'’re the little sub,

and guess what?
I'’ma get you

hard as Plymouth Rock
without even touching you.

- What?

- [moaning]

- You have lost
your mind!

- [gags]
- I do not like this!

- Oh, and did I mention?

- Did you mention what?

- Ahh.
[whispering] I swallow.

[dramatic music]

I'’m the dom!

Butter drop, bitch.

♪

- Hey.

♪

♪

- So here'’s the deal.

We'’re selling weed
with these stupid whistles.

That'’s how I'’m doing it.
That'’s the secret.

- Look out.
Hold up.

How is this
even close to legal?

You got us selling weed
over the phone?

- There'’s a reason we are
really pushing these things,

and it is because--

W--you know.
You saw Alice'’s dad.

He is obviously...
a dying man, isn'’t he?

- Oh.

- That would explain
why Alice is

in the mood that she'’s in
all the time.

She is struggling with it,
and she is asking us

to be there for her,
and the least we can do

is push
these damn whistles.

You bastard!
How dare you!

[inspiring music]

Let'’s do this for Alice,
for Ted, for America.

- You know what?
Let'’s ride or die for Ted.

We gon'’ do it for Ted,
everybody, and Alice.

- Now, who here has
smoked pot before?

Rip it, rip it, rip it,
rip it, big ripper.

Lloyd, smoke up.
- [coughs]

- Save some for me, you maniacs.
[laughter]

All right?
Now, let'’s get out there

and let'’s have
a really big day.

Let'’s sell some Smoke Cutters,
all right?

Let'’s go!

- This just feels natural,
doesn'’t it?

- Okay, just--
- Mmm.

- Adam, please just chill out,
okay?

We are just faking it
for a couple of more days

until he leaves,
all right?

- Yeah, but you know,
we might fake it so hard

that it ends up becoming real,
you know?

- Did someone order
Italian trio sammies,

chicken Caesar salads,
and Cherry Coke Zeroes?

- I did! Whoo!
- [laughs]

I know my little girl.
- Yeah, you do.

- All right.

- Sweetheart, listen,
next time your mom is in town,

we have got to make reservations
at this new restaurant

that Adam told her about.
- It'’s so good.

It'’s this little
Italian bistro.

- Wait, Adam was telling Mom--
what?

- Oh, yeah.
We'’ve been facebookin'’.

I think you guys should actually
come out during Thanksgiving.

You guys could stay
in Ders'’s room.

Blake'’s room, hopefully,
will be a nursery by that point.

- Wait a minute now, is there
some news I should know about?

- There is definitely
no baby news.

Adam is impotent.

- I-I-I'’m really sorry
to hear about that.

- Not as sorry as I am.
I mean, it'’s a true story.

It'’s sad, he'’s--he'’s--
he shoots blanks.

- But we'’re--we'’re going
to the sperm doctor,

and we picked
some sperm out.

- You know what, Adam?
I changed my mind.

- Uh, no,
I don'’t think so.

- Just get off of me!
Yes, I did, I changed my mind.

- Wait, so you don'’t want
to have kids with me?

- I physically cannot,
'’cause your dick does not work!

- Why do you gotta be
so hurtful--to me?

- Yeah, we'’re gonna do it
right now!

- We'’re gonna do it
in front of your dad?

- We'’re doing it right now!
- Fine, you know what?

You know what?
Fine.

Then I don'’t want to be
with you, Alice Murphy.

Consider yourself dumped.

'’Cause I'’m not
just a fucktoy.

I'’m a fuckperson.

- Guys?
What'’s going on here?

[phones ringing]

What the--

Gil, your nipples are exposed.
Get your--

Hello?
TelAmeriCorp.

Hey, what'’s going on?
Turn the...cartoons off.

It is--actually
a really good episode. Hello?

Everybody'’s so high.
I'’m supposed to be high.

Montez, Bill,
pick up the phone.

[both laughing]
Give me the weed.

That'’s it, you'’ve lost
your weed privileges.

Give it to me.
- Oh, that weed'’s gone, man.

We smoked it all.

- You smoked
all of the weed?

- Wow,
that'’s real dog shit.

- Oh, look,
you'’re back for more?

- You wish.
Look, man, we need weed.

Got all these orders,
need to ship, like, now.

- All right, cool, man,
I'’ll call my guy.

In the meantime, why don'’t you
go wash my van or something?

- [laughs]
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I bet
you'’d like that.

Soap suds just dancing
down my chest,

down to my...
pelvic and pubic area.

Want to see my nipples?

Ooh. Yeah!

- This ain'’t for me.

- [groans]
I start moving like this.

And am I doing this?
Huh?

- Well, I don'’t--
I don'’t like this kind of stuff.

- Oh, you don'’t like this?

What about this?

[slow techno music]

Ah! Ah!

Put it down on it!

You getting chubby now, huh?
Ahh!

You'’re getting real chubby
down there now, huh?

Ahh!

[roaring like a lion]

I'’m the dom here.
Don'’t forget it.

♪

- Okay.

- Adam. Alice has something
that she wants to say to you,

Don'’t you, honey?

- Yes, I do.
- Yeah.

- Adam, I want
to apologize

for being so mean to you
at lunch.

I miss us.

I know I keep
my guard up,

but it'’s because
I'’ve been hurt before.

But I want the real thing--
a partner,

a family...
and love.

- I want
to impregnate you.

I forgive you,
Muffin Top.

Come here. Come here.
- Oh.

[phone buzzing]
- Ring, ring, ring, ring.

Oh, that'’s my cell phone.
I gotta take this.

- Ohh. [sighs]
What--

What are you,
some kind of love warlock?

Look, I want to give you
something.

[hopeful music]

- Okay, no, I don'’t want
to marry you,

I want to marry...her.

- Look, this was
Alice'’s grandmother'’s ring,

and I know
that you will know

the perfect moment
to give it to her.

♪

- Who the hell are you?

- What? The--what?
That'’s--it'’s Kyle.

- '’Cause I just got a call
from the real consultant,

and he asked
when we could reschedule

because he was told
I had "pink eyes."

- Okay, look...
this is our friend, Karl.

Karl is the reason that we are
pushing so many whistles.

Nobody was buying them, okay,
and we just wanted to help,

and he had
an alternative approach

to this whole situation.
- Mm-hmm.

- And what was
his alternative "approach."

- Look,
you can'’t fire me...

but it'’s weed.
- No.

- Yeah, no, we are selling weed
with the whistles.

- You'’ve been selling weed
over the phones?

That is illegal!
Have you lost your minds?

- Hey, guys, I was writing
baby names while taking a shit,

and hey, what do you think
of "Bilbo"?

- I should fire you guys.

- Or "Baggins" Murphy?

- Adam!
- Alice, please,

don'’t fire us, please?

Okay, we'’ve sold 100 whistles.
There'’s only 50 left.

- As soon as we get the weed
from the drug dealer--

like, 12 pounds
or whatever--

- [whispering]
12 pounds of weed?

- Yeah, we'’ve sold
a lot of it.

We start shipping it out,
we wash our hands of it all.

- Mm, you know what?
Funny you should mention that,

'’cause I got off the phone
with him a while back,

and he said the drop is off
unless we pay triple.

- Triple? What?
- Yeah, it'’s the drought, man.

- "Husky."
You know, in case he'’s fat.

[all talking at once]

- What prices went up?

- Oh.
- Huh?

- Hey, Dad.
Um--

no, we'’re just having a, uh,

office supply packaging issue
with the guy.

It'’s no big deal.
We got it covered. Boring stuff.

- What'’s the problem?

- The guy--the guy,
he promised us one price.

- Uh-huh.
- Now he'’s asking for another--

just only triple.

- Triple?

Wha--who does that?
That'’s highway robbery.

- That'’s what I said.
- I know, I know.

- [gasps] "Marvin."

- Look, Dad,
we'’re totally handling this.

Uh, Kyle is going to take me
to talk to his guy today, so--

- That'’s right.
- No.

Honey, this is my product.
I am Smoke Cutter.

Now, Newacheck, where are we
supposed to meet this guy?

[rockabilly music]

♪

♪

- Is this the guy?
- Yeah, yeah, that'’s him, okay,

but I'’m gonna do
all the talking

'’cause Noel doesn'’t really trust
new people.

- How about you don'’t talk
in my backswing, huh?

- Well, uh,
we'’re just looking to--

- Hi. I'’m Ted Murphy.
- Ted Murphy.

- And my associates here,
they tell me

that you have
tripled your price,

and I don'’t think
that'’s particularly fair,

so I thought that you and I,
we could get together,

and I could help you
to help me to help you

to find something that works
for everybody.

- [laughs]

You'’re kind of new
in this business, aren'’t you?

- [laughs]
Well, fair enough,

but I will tell you
this little secret about myself.

I do know smoke and
I do know green.

- Uh, okay, Grampa,
you want to talk green?

We'’ll talk green.

You guys want
12 pounds?

- Yes, that would be much appr--
muchoappreciated.

- What are we talking,
money or packing peanuts?

[laughs]

- What the fuck?

- Okay, look, this seems
like it'’s gonna take

a while to sort out, so Dad,
why don'’t we hit the pro shop

and buy a round?
You know, we'’ll catch up

with you guys.
Adam, help me.

- That'’s right,
family time.

- Come on, Dad.
- Come on, Dad.

[rockabilly music]

- Karl, could you figure
something out, please, quickly?

Just dab'’ll do me.
- No, 12 pounds is great.

No.
- Come on, come on!

- No, no, no, buddy.
Hop on.

Uh, hold on one second.

- You on?
- Yeah.

- Okay, no--no,
hold on, buddy!

Let'’s just lower the price

and we'’ll move some product
together.

- Whoa, look at you,
making demands.

- Hey! You give us
the price that you promised,

because word is bond!

- You just cut me off?
- Well--[scoffs]

Dude, stop trying to dom him,
dude, this is not the time.

- If you can'’t dom that sub,
then what kind of dom are you?

How do I look?
- Phenomenal.

- I hope you'’re ready
to get hard.

[hip-hop music]

- What?

- That'’s right.

♪

- No.

- Oh, my God.

- You ready to get
real freaky?

'’Cause one ball
ain'’t as good as two.

Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
- Please don'’t do that.

- Mmm.
- Stop.

- [breathing heavily]

- Please stop.

- [moaning]
- Don'’t--don'’t do a dance.

- [moaning]

♪

[moans]
- Oh.

- All right, come on,
let'’s hustle back there.

Come on.
- No, Dad, wait, just--hold on.

- Hey, shut up real quick.
Shut up.

- What?

[romantic music]

- Alice Murphy?
- Oh.

- What?

♪

- Will you marry me?

- [laughs]
- What--okay, what is happening?

No, okay?
This is getting out of control.

You gave him
Giggy'’s ring?

- Yeah. You two have
such an amazing connection.

- No, Dad,
no, we don'’t, okay?

It--
- We do.

- It'’s not real. I--
- It is.

- I pretended
to like Adam

because I knew
it made you happy,

but it'’s a lie.
- What?

- And your Smoke Cutter sales,
they'’re a lie too.

We used your whistles as a cover
to sell pot on the phone.

Sorry.

[hip-hop music]

- [groans] Dude, it'’s hot.
Chubbin'’ up. Check it out.

Mmm.
- Hey, stop, come on, man.

- Hey! You gateway drug-dealing
scumbag!

- [groans]
- Dad!

all: Oh!

- Hiya!
- Oh!

- Whoa.
- Oh.

- [grunts]

all: Oh!

- You give us
the original price

or I'’m gonna make you swallow
this fucking golf ball...

- What?
- With your butt!

♪

- ♪ You gotta--
- ♪ Gotta be fresh

- Do we have a deal?

- Oh, Dad, no.

- Say it.

- What do you think this is,
"Shark Tank"?

- Okay, I have
a better idea.

Here.
- [groans]

- What about now?

We got a deal now?
Huh?

- Yeah, we have a deal!

- Let'’s play golf.

all: Oh!

- I didn'’t mean to do that.

- Worked for me.
- Whew, me too, man.

both: Total dom.

- Oh!
[laughing] Weed!

- I'’m sorry, Dad.

- Has anybody got a pipe?

- That'’s okay, Alice.

- I'’m sorry too, Dad.

- And Adam,

don'’t you ever lay a finger
on my daughter again.

After this order
of whistles is sold out,

I think I'’m just gonna
call it quits

on Smoke Cutters altogether.
- Aw.

- [blows distorted whistle]

You might not have to.

[funk music]

♪

- Weed.

[tires screeching]

Get a real job!

- Nice.

- I am stressed!
- No, I am stressed!

- I got a stress level
up to here!

- Fine, but you
waked and baked.

- Yes, I did.
I did do that.

- Thank you.
So I have to leave.

Good luck
with your emotions.

[phones ringing]

- [sobbing]

No, no, not at work.