All language subtitles for Workaholics.S07E01.Trainees.Day.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-TEPES_track3_[eng]

- Hey, old-timer.

Forget something?

Ohh, you forgot the staples.

Oh, we truly are the main office
pranksters, aren't we?

- This turned out amazing.

You're a genius, Bill.

Why isn't this cutting?

Oh, no.

- Uh, what's the matter, Bill?

Did someone dull the paper
cutter?

[together]
Ahh!

- What the hell is this?

- Uh, what do you mean?

It's a coffee pot.
Is that not coffee in there?

- Oh, is there not coffee?

- Actually, Ders, don't you mean
flat Dr Pepper pot?

Because we put flat Dr Pepper
in a coffee pot and switched it.

We pwn'd you!

[laughter]

- Y'all ain't funny.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.
It's too funny.

Oh, it's too good of a prank.
I can't breathe.

[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]

*

- * I'm fresh *

* You gotta, you gotta,
you gotta *

* Gotta be fresh

- No, Adam.
It's not even a contest.

The monkey would bite
the Rock's dick off.

- What if he wore a muzzle?

- Wait, on his dick?

- No, on his face.

Muzzle--although that's a good
idea, muzzle on your dick.

I want to wear one on mine.

- Okay, wait, you've completely
changed the question

at this point.

- Yeah, that's not what we're
talking about.

- What is this?

- Okay, now I'm looking
at the top of page three:

"Unapproved attire includes
halter tops,

shirts with spaghetti straps,
biker shorts...

- No wonder this office sucks.

I mean, we've got Bill hiring
all these old fogies.

- Mm-hmm, I mean, this place
could be like--like Coachella.

- Oh, that would be sick.
- Right?

Like, sexy young
thangs wearing, like,

kind of racist
Indian headdresses.

- Really racist.
- You know?

- Yes, they're racist,
but they look hot.

- Is it racist if it's hot?
That's the question.

- What if we had some hip
youngsters in here, you know?

We could, like, talk about viral
videos or, like,

fashion trends or, like, totally
be kept up with the Kardashians,

which I've been wanting to get
kept up on.

- All I'm saying is, we should
be the ones running the train--

trainee--trainee's...

oh, I've never seen that word
before.

That is a weird word.

- New Employees Bagel Bash.

Here's me and mine!

- Okay, thank you, Bill.

We will take it from here,
all right?

Hey, my name is Adam,
the top sales dog,

or at least pretty high up
there, DeMamp,

and these are my associates.

- Howdy, I'm Blake, and you are
probably thinking,

"What is going on here?"

Well, this ain't your

granddaddy's orientation
anymore.

- No, it's not.
- What are you doing?

Alice said I could do this.

- Alice said that you were
really bad at your job, Bill,

and that you're suspended for a
week and you should go home now

and not even
talk to her about it.

- I can't go home now.

My roommate gives tap-dancing
lessons to seven-year-old

fart boxes all day.

This sucks!
Ahh!

- Okay, you're embarrassing
yourself, Bill.

- Oh, okay, all right.
- That was loud.

- Jeez.
- I didn't feel safe, you know?

- It was scary.
- Yeah, yeah.

- He should go give screaming
lessons to seven-year-olds.

- I didn't--I didn't like that.
I didn't like that either.

- And now it's just us, guys.
Let's get comfortable.

Why don't we pull out
the index card

in your pamphlet there, okay?

Take a pen or a thick marker and
write your age on that card

and hold it up nice and high
so we can see.

- Great call.
Uh-oh.

- Wow, that once says four.
Yikes.

Four, four, a couple fours.

Oh, I like these three right
there with the twos.

Yes, and yes.

Absolutely not.
Sit your ass down.

Because you have a three as your
first letter in your number.

- Ew, 35?
- Mm-mm.

- Yeah, that's really bad.

Okay, so if my friend Adam here
pointed to you,

why don't you come on up, tell
us a little bit about yourself,

what makes you tick.

- Yo, what's up?
Salute. Dab.

[all babbling indistinctly]

What's up, guys?
My name's Colt.

22, young, fit, black,
kind of into bacon lately.

It's my thing.

- All right.
- All right, like that.

- Suh. I'm Leila,
wish I was black,

and all bacon e'rythang.

[laughter]
- Sure.

- I'm Mykyl with two Ys.

I'm white, but sensitively, I am
racially colorblind.

- That's tight.

- I--I'm a vegan, except for
bacon, of course.

- Well, now that they said their
part, now is your part.

Please get up and leave.
You're fired. I'm sorry.

- You are fired.
- Yeah, we're good.

- Bye-bye. Bye. Sorry about
that.

- This way.
- Yep.

- This is blatant ageism.

- You might be too old to
understand what we were saying.

I'm saying you're fired,
'cause you're too old, okay?

Buh-bye.
- Fuck you!

[together] Oh.
- How's that for old?

- Oh, okay.
- Oh, okay.

- I liked her suit, though.

- What a second.
- Ohh.

Wow.

- Guys, guys, guys.

- What does your card say there?

- 69.

- Is that your actual age?

- Yes.

- Are you kidding me?
I've never met one.

I've never met one.
- Yeah, it's crazy.

So, like, do you what, like, 69,
like means?

- The sexual term?

- Oh, dude,
this dude's a freak.

You nasty.
- It is sexual.

- That's a hilarious age.

- Okay, I think, yeah,
you can stick around,

and from now on,
your name is 69 Man.

You're 69 Man, dude.
That's your nickname.

- My name is Jerry.

- Hey, Blake, it's Anders.

Hey, are you over there on your
phone pretending like you're on

a super-important call?

- Yes, I am, actually.

I look like I'm working
very hard,

but really I'm just talking to
my friends and horsing around.

- Hey, Blake and Anders,
it's Adam,

and I'm doing what you guys just
explained that we're doing.

So shut up, Mom.
I'm talking to my friends, okay?

- Oh, so you are talking
to somebody.

- Shut up. Shut up.
- No, you shut up.

You're--you're a disrespectful
bitch, okay?

You also get long-distance
calls.

- Sick life hack.

- Yeah.
- Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

- Yeah.
- I think we done with work.

And right now, I think it's time
to do what we came here to do,

and that is--uh-oh,
I got an itch.

- Oh.

- And that itch is to prank.

- No, I want the one with
the hot tub.

It's the honeymoon suite, okay?

And I'm gonna fill that tub up--
- Yo, Tez.

Your car is getting towed.

- Oh, my God.
Not again.

Colleen is gonna beat my ass

if I don't bring us Chinese
food home tonight.

What the hell is going on?

[laughter]

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

Dude, your car is horn-y--
beep-beep--

so I'm toe-ing it.

[laughter]

- I ain't got no time for this
bullshit.

It's too hot out here.
It's too hot for this.

- What?
- Oh, he just got pranked.

- That is just an example of,
you know,

some of the pranks we pull
on a regular basis around here.

- Just one of the many,
really.

- But sometimes we've got to get
real, just like you guys,

and set some boundaries,
some rules.

Number one rule, no snitching,
not to Alice, nobody.

- And that's true,
'cause snitches get...

[together] Stitches
- Put in a body bag, right?

'Cause we will frickin'
murder a snitch.

- Yeah, stop snitching.
- So no snitches.

'Cause snitches are...

[together]
Big old pieces of shit.

- They are.
- We don't like 'em.

- Well said.

Oh, and one more for Michael
with two Ys,

because he's inquisitive.

But seriously, guys, nothing
like a hot-roof beer

after pulling a cold-blooded
prank.

[laughter]
It was cold-blooded.

- It is the absolute best.

Oh, Jesus, dude.
That is super hot.

It's like soup.

- Yeah, well, they've been on
the roof for a week, so...

- Yeah.
- It's still good.

- Guys, I'd like to propose
a toast, if you don't mind.

- Sure.
- To the three best mentors

I've ever had.

- Yes.
- [howls]

[all howling]

- That's the thing we do.

- Can I get real for a sec?

- Please.
- I feel pretty...

goddamned blessed
to be here

on this roof, drinking this...

very, very hot beer
with you all.

Oh, I fucking love
this family.

- You cry, I cry, right?

- You cry, we're gonna cry.

Come here.
- Come here.

[together]
Ohh. Here we go. Yes.

[all howling]

- Human contact.

[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]

- * He's insane *

- * Jock jock, jock jock,
jock, jock, jock box *

- Watch me touch this.

- You did it.
You did what you said.

- I got it. It's waggling.
- You touched it.

- Ohh, 69 Man,
you 69 last night?

- Oh, yeah, I did.

- That's really awesome.

- Wow.
- Yeah, dude.

[low chatter]

- Morning, legends.
You're just in time.

We fried up some artisanal
bacon, made some savage Bloodys.

- Whoo, or do you guys want
milk,

because you're legend-dairy?

[laughter]
- Oh, you should tweet that.

- That's funny, dude.
- Thank you.

- That's funny.

- All right, fam, follow me.

This sitch is about to get lit.

So check this out.

we gave the floors a special
polish with...a-bacon grease.

[laughter]

- Boom.
- Oh, okay.

- It looks great.
- Smells weird.

- So listen, you guys
ready for the show?

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Mykyl, please do the honors.

- With pleasure.

[alarm blaring]

- No, no, no, no, no.
- What is going on?

- Run, run, this whole place
is gonna burn down.

- Hurry.
[together] Ohh!

- Faster.
- Ow, my back.

- Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
[workers exclaiming]

- Oh, my God!
- It's definitely broken.

My L3 is shattered.

- Dude, how amazing is this?
[alarm continues]

[toilet flushes]
- Yeah, it's--oh, Alice, Alice.

- Go, go, everybody.
Go, go, go.

- What is happening?

- No snitching.
No snitching.

- Where's Jillian?

- Ooh-hoo-hoo.

[alarm continues]
Pileup on the floor-05.

- Go!
- Come on. Come on.

- Oh, my God.
That was nasty.

- Super-funny prank,
very funny.

Just, you know, the pranks we do
are a little more chill.

We just don't want to get fired,
you know?

We've got a good thing going
here, good health bennies.

- What other things?
- Pretzels.

- Health bennies?

Dude, who cares?

I'ma live forever!

Whoo-hoo!
- Oh-ho!

- Yeah, no, dude, I'm gonna live
forever.

- Whoo-hoo!

[together]
Ohh!

- And that's what's up.
And that's what's up.

Yeah, no, I think I pulled
something.

- Hey, man, I don't know if
you guys would wanna fucks

with this, but we had an idea
for a pretty cool thing

to use the office for, but...ah,
you know what?

It's probably too savage
for you guys.

- What? No, are you--did you not
just see what he did?

- Yeah, my boy's a savage.
- That was insane.

- We're in. We're loco.
We're down to clown.

- We want to shoot a porno
in the office.

- You want to--and you--and you
actually--you have the--

I would love--that's, like--
honestly, that's my dream,

so I'm excited.

- He has, like, a lot of scripts
already written.

- I have so many scripts.

- Good, man, I've been shooting
porno since junior high, bro.

It's, like--it's, like,
my main side hustle.

- Oh, my God.
I'm hyperventilating.

This is, like--that would be
my dream gig.

- Wait, wait, you guys don't
have side hustles?

- Uh-uh, no.
This is our main hustle.

And then we just go smoke weed
and drink beers on the roof.

- Which...it's a hustle.
- Yeah.

- Yo, even Alice
has a side hustle.

She teaches yoga
on the weekends.

- Cool.
- That's tight. She does.

- That's cool.
- Slammin' body.

- Anyway, we think the cubicle
would be a dope location.

- It's gonna be a really
special film,

super talented group
of sex workers.

- Yeah, we just need help
handing out the snacks,

so...these actors get pretty
hungry, if you know what I mean.

- Smashing is their cardio.
- Oh, my God.

That could be our side hustle,
dudes.

We could be like a snack shack
on porno sets.

- Yes!
- Yup. Yes.

- Get in there.

[laughter]

[all howling]

- Guys, I've got salami-wrapped
combos.

I like 'em, but will they?

- Yeah, they're gonna love
those. That's protein.

That's what they want.

- Thanks--
- They don't need Ders'

creamy clam chowder
in their face.

- Uh, it's pronounced
clam chow-ders, all right?

And these fucksters need
stamina, all right?

This is all Michael Phelps ate
in Beijing, okay?

And I think we all know what
happened in Beijing.

Eight golds.
Seven world records, guys.

Beijing, come on.

- Yeah, we're kind of
Team Lochte.

- Jyyyeah!

- Listen, guys,
a bit of bad news.

The male actors actually
canceled on us.

- Damn it.
Are they okay?

- They're fine, and so are the
female actresses.

So this is what's gonna go down.

They saw your guys' photographs,
and they want to know

if you guys want to get it in.

- Yes!
- All right, great.

So you guys get ready.
We'll go grab your costars.

- Whoo!
- Hang tight.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.

- What? Dudes.
- Oh, my God.

This is happening.
- Here we go.

- Wait, wait, wait, okay, let's
think about this, though, guys.

We're doing--we're doing porno
now.

Like, my face--I don't want to
show my face,

'cause I still want to run
for city council in 2016.

- Okay, well, first off,
it's 2017, so...

- You know what?
- It's 2017?

- Cover your ugly, dumb face,
'cause my face,

it's what should
be front and center, okay?

I say we use my face
and also my dick.

- Okay.
- Okay, and we'll just blur out

my midsection.
- Yeah.

- I kind of want to cover it,
just if we can pixilate it

or blur it out or whatever.

- But the big thing is is that
we are all going to be nude,

and my penis, I don't know if
it's adequate enough.

Where is the penis pump?

Where--yes, okay.
- It's right over there.

- Oh, oh, Ders.
- What?

- I'm gonna need your help.
- Okay, what do you need, man?

What do you need?

- I need a little help shaving
my butthole.

- Absolutely not.

- Shave my butthole, Ders.
- No. Stop it.

If anything, I'm gonna shave
my butthole,

and I'm gonna eat chowder so I
can have an explosive O.

- Help him.
- Look, I have got a thick,

thick mane down there, and my
family will be embarrassed

by my porno if I don't have
a slick butthole.

Please.
- Okay.

- You're a swimmer.
I know you shave other men's

buttholes often.

Please.
- Fine.

I'm only doing this because
I'm good at it, okay?

You trim my chowder;
I'll shave your hole.

Come on.
- Come on, you little prick.

- Thank you so much for doing
this.

- Oh, my God. I'm right--I'm
back here now, okay?

- Okay.
- Holy--Jesus.

- Oh, my God.
- All right.

- Is it bad?
- Yeah.

Dude, it looks like someone
CGI'd butthole hair back here.

- Ah, yeah, it's been a while
since I've maintained.

- Here we go.

Right side's done.
Go ahead and give it a feel.

I put it at a two.

I can take it down to a one.
It's gonna be prickly, though.

- Let's go one.
- Okay.

- Yep.
- Your funeral.

- Oh, welcome to our--

- Oh, hey.
Chow-ders is almost...

- Yeah, hey, my butthole's
almost ready too.

Whoa.

- What the hell
is going on in here?

- Alice, where do you--
it's Saturday.

Why are you here?

- I'm teaching a yoga class,
Anders.

It's my side hustle.

- Cool.
- Yeah, we got those too.

Definitely.
[penis pump squeaking]

- Okay, what the hell
is that noise?

- Um...it's for my sleep apnea.

I snore a lot, and then this
kind of just...

[snorting]

- You know what?
When you guys started here

seven years ago,
this was all kinda cute,

but you know what?
You're old as fuck now.

- We're basically in our 20s
more or less still.

- No, you're not.
Okay, you know what?

You're suspended for a week
without pay.

Now, get the hell out of here.

- Okay, I think that was
slightly harsh

for just shaving a butthole...
[pop!]

and staging a porno
in our cubicle.

- Guys?

This thing works.

[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]

- Uh-oh, hello, office.

- We're back.
- The boys are back.

- Baloney boys in the building.
- Shh!

They might hear you.

- Yeah, okay, and that's the
whole point, so they hear us.

Trying to say what's up to
everybody.

[both speaking indistinctly]

- Don't drink that!

Leila shat in the water.

- Oh, what?

- You all right, Waymond?
Ohh.

- Hey, these new trainees
are straight-up evil.

They're fucking with
everybody all day every day.

- It's enough.
I don't care.

I say we put an end to this
thing for good.

- Don't kill anyone.

- Bill, chill.

Okay, listen, we gonna prank
'em back.

We want to know if
y'all are in.

- Yeah, I think it's safe to say
that we're in.

In fact, we're down
for a clap back.

both: Clap back.
- Yep.

We've got to do something,
because they broke

our number one rule.

You don't snitch, not to Alice,
not to HR, not to the police.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Don't snitch.

I guess the main office
pranksters

will get to work then.

You guys sit back, relax, and
we're about to clap back.

- No, thank you, okay?

We've seen how y'all prank.

We're gonna handle the pranking.
We got this.

- Okay, wow.
Okay, you're in charge.

Please let us know if we can
assist you, Your Highness.

Seriously, though,
if we could just help,

we're pretty bored and have
nothing to do.

- Sup?

You guys have a good week off?

You chill, hit the ol' internal
reset button?

[laughter]

- Yeah, no, it was very chill.

A week with no pay.

I didn't even get to visit
the ice cream truck.

- Wait, you guys--you guys
aren't pissed, are you?

- You know, it's just that we
don't usually involve Alice

in pranks is all, so, you know.

- You guys inspired us.

You're our heroes.
We're you biggest Stans.

- That's cool.

- I have always considered
myself a Slim Shady.

- Yes.
- And I plan on talking about

murdering my wife but not
actually doing it.

- Kim sucks.

- Yeah, dude, and on the
lowdown, it was hella rad of you

guys to stay true to yourselves
inside and not snitch.

I mean, you guys are like the
super-old wise dogs

our pack always needed.

- Right, right, but, like,
the oldest of the young dogs.

Yeah, no, I get that.

You know, we're still pups on
the porch,

even though we like to run
around in the yard.

- Yeah.
- But since we're all pups here,

I've got to tell you that
everyone in this office

wants to fi-ight you, and
they're planning a prank...

clap back.

- Yep.
- But the thing is,

is, we really li-ike you.

- And we don't want to fi-ight
you.

- We li-ike you too.

- So if you let us QB this
prank,

new school and newer school
working together...

- Yes.
- I think we could prank

the office before
they prank you.

- Yeah.

- We appreciate you guys
li-iking us,

and we don't want to fi-ight
anybody at all.

If you guys don't mind, yeah,
we'll let you take the lead

on the clap back.

[quirky music]

*

- [snickers]

- Yo, what up, world?
It's us.

The main office pranksters
in conjunction with...

- What up, fam?

- And we about to pull the
ultimate main office prank

in da world.

- That's right, so we got LSD,
MDMA, and Special K

all up in their coffee, because
it's a clap back.

*

- Oh, Bill's feeling it.

*

- Anybody else feeling hot
in here?

[all snickering]

- It's like looking through

a different alternate
universe.

- [groaning]

- I'm losing my mind.

I'm seeing demons.

No. No!

- That is not good.
That is not good at all.

- My eyes!
I can't see!

- My heart is about to pop!

Oh!

- [mumbling indistinctly]

- Jerry, what's poppin'?

- [groaning]

- Jerry.
- Oh, shit!

- What's popping, Jerry?

- No.
- Oh.

Yo, they're, like, OD'ing.

- Their old hearts couldn't
handle it, guys.

- We could--we could go to jail
for this.

- Yep.
- What do you mean, "yep"?

- Hey, no, don't worry about it.

That's on us, okay?
You guys should get out of here.

You got your whole lives ahead
of you, right?

So just run. Get out of here.

Because sometimes clap backs
clap back.

- I mean, this is on us.

- We appreciate everything
you taught us, old dog.

- I'm not an old--okay,
I'm not old, though.

- Yo, man, you all guys are
heroes, man.

- You may think this is
good-bye, but this is great-bye.

You'll live in my heart forever.
- Just go. Just go. Just go.

- Get outta here.
I liked you the least.

- Just go.
- Oh, my gosh.

You guys did such a great job,
and I'm proud of you!

- Waymond, come on up.

- Wow, I'm impressed.
- Feelin' good! Shake it off!

- You feel like you've lost
some weight.

- Good acting.
That was really good stuff.

You guys are officially the JV
main office pranksters.

- Seriously.
- Hey, how are we the JV?

That was my idea.
- Yeah, but you guys are like

the nerd losers of the office;
we're cool.

- You weren't in charge.
That's why it worked.

- Uh, hold on.
I think 69 Man's taking a nap.

Hey, bud.
- Oh, yeah. Come on.

- Prank's over.

He's a ham.

- Yeah.
- 69 Man.

- That's varsity material.

- 69 Man.

- Hey, 69 Man.

- Come on, get up.

- 69 Man.

69 Man.

- 69 Man.

[together]
Ahh!

[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]

- And even though
we hardly knew him,

never really knew his real name,

it was still pretty awesome

that he let us call him
the 69 Man.

- He was old.

But knew that 69

was a cool
sexual maneuver.

- So in mem--memori--

mem--
memoriam-dum,

we got his favorite sandwich,

an Italian Trio
from Jersey Mike's...

we're assuming;
we don't know the guy,

but that's our favorite
sandwich, so...

- Think he would have
liked that.

- This is supposed to be
Italian Trio party sub.

This is roast beef.
They made a mistake.

- Are you sure...

that someone didn't switch it on
purpose?

[laughter]

- You just got pranked, dude,
and what is that?

[together]
A clap back.

- Nice.

- That's a man?
- Yeah, look at those calves.

- I guess there's no way
to tell, really.

- No.
- Eh, well, what about the--

the moustache right there?

- You're in Rancho Cucamonga.

- Oh, okay, so that's natural.
- Yeah.

- Okay, got it.
- They grow 'em thick out here.