Original subtitles

Tomorrow, we're going to pass a law that'll make everything

all right.

With equal opportunities for everybody,

whether they're black or they're white.

Tomorrow, we're going to bring the boys home to the end

of the war.

on his way tomorrow you'll even have freedom

of speech just be careful of the things you say

did not promise your forefathers

that we'd get to hate

They're going to take just a little more time, time.

From the plantation field to a ghetto slum, you move

in a steady pace.

Just remember, after all, if I ball and you

just move.

I'm very proud to present this check for $100 to the grand prize winner of our

1974 Summer Poetry in the Streets contest, Mr. Ted Whitley.

Come on up here, Ted, and read your poem.

I want a tube-topped Venus who undulates my soul and my shorts.

I want a virgin whore who speaks perfect Chinese and kisses French

fluidly. I want a stainless steel boudoir with a velvety throne.

I want a golden parakeet to shit on her soap. I want to loofah the pain and hurt

from her ivory shoulder blades.

I want a woman who's not afraid of making a right turn in a left lane.

I want a pizza with all the trimmings, a steak tartare, whole the onions.

Velvety images shrink with the rain.

I want a drip-dry cunt that can take it again and again and again.

I want a mat.

Tedwood breath.

It's me.

Who screams out, pierce me, steal me.

Graveyard's wretch with a sting of one trillion broken hearts.

Nobody gets out of here alive.

I'll break your neck before you castrate me. Take this and scream out, pierce me,

steal me, seize me with your white heart steel.

You live around here?

Yes.

That was quite delightful.

Though it certainly wasn't the pouring we gave you the award for. You seem to

have added some. Well, you've taken some left turns yourself.

It was really a very interesting job.

wonder, Lord, I know how much you need the money. Thank God I have my alimony,

otherwise I could never survive as a poet.

I'm also pleased to present this check for $25 to the winner of our honorable

mention, the very talented and up-and-coming Gloria.

Awesome, man.

That was so far out.

Yeah.

Rich.

No, and great, and sexy, and everything. Chicken.

Tetracini. There was this chick at that other table.

She was like twisting around in her chair.

I thought she was going to lie right down on the floor and do it under the

table. She was so fucking horny, man. Where is she?

Oh, she left with her boyfriend. They're probably home rattling the windows right

now. I'm not lying. I was so bitching. I was a fucking turn on, man.

Oyster.

Rock.

Ocella. You didn't know he was a virgin, would you? I mean, from looking at him

and shit.

I am not a virgin. Yeah, right.

Don't imply that I am.

Well, it's not a crime or nothing.

I happen to have had a very big, very passionate affair in graduate school.

Come on, man.

Loosen up, dude.

Don't get rad on me now.

Did I say I didn't believe you? It's not what you say. It's how you say it.

Yeah.

Your attitude.

Okay, shoot.

I'm listening.

Captive audience.

I was her first love.

We were mad about each other. For three months, I gave her back ruffs. I

worshipped every inch and crease in her body. I sucked her toes. I drank her

bath water.

And our old man... What, man?

I can't hear you, man. Her old man found out about us and had me arrested.

No sense of humor, huh?

She was a junior.

Oh?

What was she saving it for?

In high school.

Ted, my man.

And does the dancing while the...

I think I'd get married again. No matter what I do, women dump on me. Assuming,

of course, I found a girl that likes to drink, too.

If there's anything I hate, it's the goddamn photo work.

Doesn't matter what I say or how I act. All up his head. Let's go dump on him.

Hey, Andy, I've been stopping to take a wheel like every 30 minutes. Well, in my

opinion, most women don't really know what they want anyway. I mean, what do

women want, really?

Did you ever used to have these problems?

Boy, everybody has these problems.

Women dump on men.

Men dump on women.

That's how sex is related.

I don't want to relate. I want to get laid. Everybody wants to get laid.

Max, hey, hey.

Jeez, what the heck are you doing down there?

He's taking a little venison, my bad.

Lisa Lisa I'm not

Lisa Lisa I am not Lisa

I'm Lisa I don't know anything

My wife ran off with my girlfriend before I got back. My life

ain't nothing but a blue pipe.

The substance to the American people, they will prove these things without

question. One, that I had no knowledge whatever of the Watergate break-in

before it occurred.

Two, bullshit.

Hey, so what do you want to do?

Do you want to see the Dodgers or not?

Linda?

Last night, I hope I've got a million things to do.

What about dinner?

Dinner? You mean hot dogs.

They're Polish sausages.

Now, do you want to go or not?

Not for me.

Are you sure?

Herb, the city wants to cut our funding.

I have the woman's good newsletter that's late again. I have my exercise

class. I'm a week behind with Larry's reports. I'm going out of my mind.

Fine. I don't know why we bother joining this food co-op anyway. It's such a

waste of money.

Hello.

Excuse me, but I was wondering if you were okay. I saw your insignia the other

day and I figured that you were a war veteran.

What if I am?

I was just wondering if you were okay.

Who is this? Just a Teresa?

No, I'm Linda. I'm the coordinator of the community resource project.

I was just wondering if you had enough food.

I got food.

There's a place I was going to tell you about. It's mainly for Vietnam vets, and

it's also a place where you can get a hot shower and some sleep.

I got a place to sleep.

Here? No.

Palm Springs. This is my summer home.

Isn't it cold at night?

What?

Well, I would love to chat right now, but it's time for my nap.

I'm sorry.

Look at it this way. At least she got something warm to sleep with at night.

Yeah. I wish she cared about something other than sports.

So, what are you going to do about it?

What can I do? I don't believe I'm hearing this.

You're the woman. You control the relationship.

Since when?

Since the deal, right?

Gloria, I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, Lynn, you want a better relationship with her? Yes.

Okay, so make him jealous.

Gloria, how do I make him jealous? Linda, there are four billion people in

the world.

Half on their booze and the other half has teenagers.

And if you can't find someone to go out with, well, it's because you're not

looking.

Oh, Gloria, I have my dulcimer lesson tomorrow.

No, no, no, no.

Do you think you can cover for me at the office?

The Internationale.

On a dulcimer?

Well, my teacher is part of a music collective, and she only teaches

socially responsible songs.

Sounds wonderful.

Hi. Excuse me.

I'm on disability and was wondering if you had any low-rent housing available?

Well, the coordinator's out right now.

Just leave your name and number, and I'll have her call you back.

Okay. My name is Ted with... Hey, wait a second.

One of the tenants is moving out of the building.

Would you like to see his room?

Sure.

Thank you.

to the first floor on the right.

Our coordinator will have to tell you about other housing because, well, this

place rents mostly to painters, writers, artists.

Well, I'm a writer.

A poet.

What's your name?

Ted Whitley.

Oh, Ted Whitley! Gosh, I'm such a flake. I know you.

No, no, no. I know you. It's me.

Gloria. We read together at the Nevermore, Willie. You know, you won

first place at Gordon Hall.

I did my poetry. Remember the food poem?

Yams, if I don't cut down cake, I got an honorable mention. You won first prize.

Absolutely good.

You are going to love this place.

Oh, great numbers.

You went to neurology?

Oh, God. What's your sign?

9639.

Virgo. Virgo.

Right on. I got a little burg on my chart, too.

My name is Ted Whitley.

I came by last week. I haven't heard from anybody.

I thought somebody was going to call me about the room.

Um, I see your name. Oh, okay, sure. Why don't you come up second floor? It's

first door on the left.

Oh, hi. Come on in.

I have a million keys and none of them fit.

Have a seat. I'm Linda.

Which room were you referring to?

Gloria showed me her.

I'm sorry, I don't know anything about it.

I didn't know.

Gloria showed me a room. Oh, yes.

Yes.

Unfortunately, the owner lives in New York and we haven't been able to reach

him.

However, through our community resource project, we do have information on low

-rent housing.

Do you qualify for that?

No. No.

Not at all.

Why don't you give me your number again, and as soon as I hear anything, I'll get

back to you, okay?

I'm sorry if we've inconvenienced you.

Anything else?

Would it be okay if I called you?

Sure.

Really?

Absolutely. I'm here most of the time.

Bye. Guess what?

I didn't know anyone was here.

Who's this guy?

Hey, Teddy, how's it going, man?

I could come back another time.

No, come on in. This is Colette.

How do you do? Ted's an old friend. Have a seat.

How about a little hooter?

Not right now, thanks.

So what's happening, man?

I met an angel.

Oh, that's cool.

Who is she?

You know, the San Sebastian.

You mean the sea bass?

She runs a community service project out of there.

All right.

Coordinator.

What's she like?

She is so amazing. I can't even describe her. I couldn't believe it when I walked

in the room.

She has an intellectual forehead.

It's like she's from another century. She has these vulnerable, soft ears,

fragile chin.

It was like there was a glow in the air all around her. She's so perfect. I

can't believe she's here in Venice.

Well, Ted, that's terrific.

Excuse me, buddy.

little better for you? Oh, for crying out loud. Can't you sit still?

No, he keeps leering at me.

Well, that's not a leer, honey. That's the way he always looks.

Well, it's like he's trying to x-ray my crotch.

Disgusting. Okay, that's it for today.

So, ma'am, what's her name? Linda.

I think she really likes me.

How long do you know her?

I think it's two o'clock.

Two o'clock?

I mean, it was so far out. It was just electricity.

We just stared at each other, and what was so fantastic about it was both of us

were too shy to acknowledge it, which made it all the more poignant.

We just looked right into each other's souls.

You got anything to drink?

Here, some good red wine.

The only thing is, I don't know how to tell her how I feel about her. I mean,

should I stay shy, or should I just blurt out how I feel and rely on her

sensitivity to recognize my honesty as the most sincere form of, uh, of, uh,

art? So what are you saying?

He wants to know, should he tell her that he loves her, or just look in her

eyes and pant?

Well, it doesn't hurt to be a little shy as long as you're not too shy.

Shy?

Look, it doesn't matter what you say particularly. The important thing is to

let her know you care.

That's what I think.

Well, don't look at me.

Hi, Ted.

Hi.

There's no word on the room yet, but I'll let you know as soon as I hear

something. I was wondering.

Yes?

Would you like to come to a poetry reading?

Um, sure, why not? That would be nice. Great.

I mean, that's terrific.

How about tonight?

Um, okay. I have to check with my... Linda,

what is your last name?

Turner.

Is it okay if I bring... Hey, bring anybody you like.

Okay.

I'll be reading it, The Nevermore, around 9.30.

Go down Washington, turn left... Gloria, you know where the Nevermore is? Sure,

no problem.

We'll be there at 9.30.

Well, why don't you come a little earlier? Maybe we could grab a bite to

eat. I'll be lucky to make the reading.

I'll see you.

Till tonight.

And I'm not saying that. Are you not?

This is history.

But I found that in this instance, it was a Sony, a little Sony that they had.

And that what they had are these little lapel mics.

I stand on the freeway.

I punch.

The wall.

I bloody your name.

I scratch your shadow.

I chisel your name.

I open a door.

I spray your name.

I kneel in church.

I blaspheme your name.

I touch your lips.

I feel your name.

Your name.

Your name!

What if I die taking the red eye to hell and never ever learn your

name?

Ken Whitland!

Ken Whitland!

What a count!

I am a bottle of...

I am overwhelmed by your performance tonight.

Listen to me. I have a small but very tasteful publishing company in San

Francisco. I would like very much if you would become a part of my little family.

Great. Ted, great job, man. That was great.

Oh, Ted, that was great.

It was so passionate, so real.

It made me think of people and places and feelings that I must have locked

away someplace.

Can we get out of here? I'm not a smoker.

Maybe we can go for a walk on the beach?

Of course.

Ted! Hey, Ted, I want to see your autograph.

Guess my parents were so strict with me that I just became this perfect person.

But all this time I just wanted to smash out and break out and be

wild like that person in your poem.

Oh, Ted, you really got me thinking.

I fell out of the moon.

Linda, would you like to come back to my place and have a drink?

Ted, I'd love to, but not tonight. I'm too...

Linda,

your sweater!

Gorge me.

Eat me.

Pierce me with your white heart and tail.

Quiet out loud, Linda. Make up your mind.

Hello?

I never believed it could happen this way.

Who is this?

Oh, Ted.

Did you think about me?

Oh, well.

I haven't had time to think about anything just yet.

I stayed up the entire night thinking about you. You can't imagine what this

feeling is like.

You stayed up all night?

Yes, and the night wasn't long enough either to think of all the things I

wanted to think about you. Are you free? I can come over right now. What time is

it?

I could be there in ten minutes.

Ted, I'm still in bed.

I know.

Ted, this really isn't a good time.

Ted.

It will be for just a little while.

Ted, no.

Not today.

Listen, I have to go.

I'll talk to you later, okay?

You will.

Oh, she was definitely coming on to me, speaking in this really sexy voice and

telling me that she was in bed.

Now, why would she have said something like that unless she wanted to get me

hot? And then, all of a sudden, she says I gotta go and she hangs up. I don't get

it. I mean, last night, after the portrait video, she said to me I was a

better writer than Rod McEwen and Cahill's brand put together.

It sounds like she's real confused to me.

What should I do?

Give her a day to get adjusted to the new situation.

Shit! And then write her a sexy,

sensual poem.

Tell her you love her.

Talk about magnetic attraction and the color of her hair and the lust in your

loins and the garlic in your breath.

Garlic on my breath?

Jesus. Ted, you're the poet.

You know what to say.

You get paid for the chips.

a vision of you.

Yes, you.

Across a canyon full of rocks and shard, cold, alien barren.

I made a silent vow as I rode my stallion heart and leapt across a deadly

chasm. Linda, nothing ever will interrupt our destiny.

My desire was proud as a redwood. Your beauty was the moon.

Black fear tore us apart. The sun rose a fiery orange ball over a red-hot burning

mesa. I fight for breath as I battle the demon of self-doubt, a monstrous fiend

crushing any bone and corpse with sharp fangs and an ungodly searing strength.

But the water is my ally. I shall have you.

Clinging vines and long grasses clutch at my thigh.

Brambles tear my skin.

But your memory carries me onward.

My desire is hard white granite.

Your love is warm, moist, and pink.

Linda.

Your father was one of the San Clemente plumbers?

Yeah.

CIA and everything.

So I haven't seen him in 18 months.

Do you think he's going to go to jail?

He deserves to.

What is this country coming to?

Linda. Linda, hi.

Ted, I'm glad you came by. There's something I need to tell you. There's

something I want to tell you too, but...

I put it into a poem. It's all about you.

Ted, thanks for writing the poem.

I'm sure it's very good, and I'm flattered.

I just wanted to tell you... I can see that you're developing some kind of

feelings.

Tell him to go.

Linda, I understand. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's normal.

Ted, no.

What I'm trying to say... No!

Ted, look.

I'm really tied up here today.

Maybe we can talk later or something.

Of course we can.

There's no need to rush.

It's all here in the poem anyway.

Great, thanks.

I'll read it as soon as I can.

Okay.

Bye.

Community Resource Project.

Herb, I've been waiting for your call. What are you doing later?

I'd love to go to an Italian restaurant.

I'm down to come here. I'm dying for lasagna.

Lasagna? I thought you hated lasagna.

You'll never believe who was just here.

Who? Ted.

You mean the poet?

Yeah. It's gross.

What are you doing?

Can you come over right away?

Where? What are you talking about?

Herb, I don't want to... If he comes back, you know, it'd be nice if you were

here.

Okay, I'll see you at 8.

Bye.

What are you reading?

News

magazine.

What's the story? 21 ways to step on a guy's nuts?

I was speaking with somebody else.

Herb Holmberg. Would you like to speak with Brad?

Thank you.

It's an article about free love between friends.

Are they for or against it?

They say it depends.

I've always been in favor of balling my friends.

Yes.

Herb Holmberg.

H-O-L-M-B-E-R.

Gee. Okay.

In my dreams, I see your starry dark hair, your fragile lips, your

body is a perfect alphabet.

What does he mean your body is a perfect alphabet?

That doesn't even make sense. Is this guy Looney Tunes or what?

It's a metaphor. It's not meant to be taken literally.

Brad! Yes?

I can have it for you by the middle of the week.

Okay? Thank you. You're cool. Thank you, Brad.

Bye.

I know what a metaphor is. You think I don't know what a metaphor is? This

metaphor doesn't make sense.

I didn't write it. Ted did. Why don't you ask him what it's supposed to mean?

Oh, so it's Ted now.

That's the way it is.

Well, don't you have anything better to do?

Go buy some new running shoes or something.

I got running shoes.

Fine. How about a new jockstrap?

Yeah, I'll do that.

And while I'm there, I'll get one in leather for you.

There's something I think you should know.

What?

I'm in love with you.

Nothing personal.

gonna get it on when we

were destined for each other can you feel it

i'm flattered that you have these feelings for me but this is too much for

one thing i'm not in love with you and for another i have a boyfriend who i'm

very happy with but he's not right for you you need someone who's

sensitive and artistic enough to understand your soul why not let me

decide who understands my soul and who doesn't linda you're not in love with

him i know you're not i'm the one who's right for you i can make you happy i

knew from the very first moment that i saw you coming out of the water on the

beach that morning that you were right for me all it took was one glance

Glanson, I knew right then and there.

I fell in love with your pussy.

You what?

Linda. Linda, you have to let yourself go.

Learn to trust your pussy. You have such a beautiful pussy and you're not

trusting it. If you don't leave this instant, I am going to call my boyfriend

and have him come and throw you out.

That's a perfectly normal reaction.

Now listen to me. You're fighting it.

What you have to do is learn to listen. Listen to your pussy. Okay.

That's it.

Linda, come on.

Just give this thing of ours a chance.

Don't be so unfair.

This way.

You have to race!

He must have said it three times. That he loved me. He was going to make love

to me.

And that I should forget my boyfriend.

And trust my...

Pussy. I think that's terrible.

I wish somebody would be that passionately in love with me sometime.

This wasn't love.

It was scary.

I mean, he said he first saw me on the beach.

Weird.

This guy's been following me. I think you're taking this much too seriously.

Maybe when you first met him, without realizing it, you did something to

encourage him. That was a really insensitive thing you just said.

Hey, that's good. That's good. We're here to express ourselves, to let it

out. Now, Linda, how do you feel about what Sarah just said?

I feel like everything encourages him. If I tell him to leave me alone, he

thinks it's because I don't want to get hurt again. If I completely ignore him,

he thinks it's just because I'm too shy to talk.

I don't think it has anything to do with me, frankly.

This guy has a history.

He's been in and out of mental hospitals all of his life.

He lives on disability.

He's not all there.

God. I think you need to get away from him.

Want to know what I do?

I break his balls.

What you do is, you get yourself a sock, put a couple of plums in it, tie it to

a doorknob.

Then you practice reaching out, grabbing them, and pulling down on his balls

until they pop.

And what do you do with the smashed up plums?

Used to use ping pong balls, but they didn't have enough give.

But listen, now, the secret of this is in that firm downward jerk.

Because, you know, if you miss that, all you do is you piss the guy off. You know

what I'm saying?

I'd love to do it for you, but I think you'd feel better about yourself if you

did it.

Hello, Community Resource Project.

I'm such a fool for talking the way I did to you.

I had no right.

I'm so ashamed.

Dad?

I'm going out of my mind.

You don't deserve that.

Look, you don't have to apologize. It's over and it's forgotten.

Oh, God.

Really, it's totally forgotten.

Because that's not the way I treat people.

I won't be bothering you anymore.

But I just wanted you to know that.

Ted, go to bed and get some sleep.

Okay?

Okay.

Good night.

Community Resource Project.

I want to plank you till your teeth hurt.

I want to eat your oyster.

I want to run my tongue through your tuna.

Herb! Herb! What? It's him, he...

He's talking dirty again. Will you go get him? Jesus, he's at the intercom.

When I think about them, I just get covered with shivers.

I'll take care of it. Guys, go!

You have a super spine.

It's very important for sex.

Because you have to have a strong back.

I've been reading that Kama Sutra.

Oh, and your teeth.

I just love your teeth.

You have such strong white teeth.

Oh, I'd love to feel your teeth on my rod.

What are you doing?

You had your tongue in the intercom.

I was talking to Linda.

You had your tongue right inside the speaker.

I was just talking to Linda.

Linda doesn't want to see you.

Says who?

Says Linda.

Man. What is this, 20 questions?

She told me two minutes ago.

How was she? She was okay, wasn't she?

Would you shut up and listen for a second?

Linda doesn't want to see you.

Is there something wrong with her? For Christ's sake!

She's fine.

She just wants you to leave her alone.

I happen to be in love with her.

Oh, Jesus.

Look, here's five bucks.

Uh, just cool it.

Okay? I won't cool it. I haven't seen Linda. Go!

I thought it right.

I thought about you today.

But the right words, they just would not come down.

I think it's time for one of these.

I never liked the way you treated me.

It just dawned on me.

I've been giving you the wrong advice.

You've got to give this everything you've got.

You've got to pursue this woman to the ends of the earth and back.

Nothing is too treacherous or too dangerous for you to pursue your vision.

A great work of art is always out of reach.

And then one day, when you're ready to give up, When you've given it every

ounce of your blood and your sweat, then suddenly, there it is. It's real.

You can touch it. You can feel it.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Okay, great. I'll see you at Evelyn's Tower.

Bye.

Excuse my appearance.

I arrived by the last thunderbolt. A trifle singed as I came through the

ether. My eyes are full of stardust. What do you want, Athol?

I want you to go out with me. Where do you fucking get off? Get out of here.

Will you go out with me?

No, I will not go out with you.

I'm going to ask you one more time.

And if the answer is no again, I'm going to start this thing and begin cutting my

fingers off.

You really are crazy.

Will you go out with me? Get out of here.

Just get out of here. Please.

Okay. I warned you.

Ah, just sit.

Well,

can't you arrest him? Talk to him. Make him quit bothering me.

Well, I recommend self-help.

Self-help? Self-help?

What are you talking about? Well, you said you had a boyfriend, right?

No. So have your boyfriend punch him out.

Hey, that hurt.

That's the point, dorkhead. It's supposed to hurt.

Linda, honey, is that you?

You see, the thing about women is that some of them are so incredibly hard

-headed that you just can't make any headway with them. That may be the

problem with Linda.

You knock yourself out over and for what?

You're probably rigid to begin with. I don't care.

When you're planning on marrying someone, you don't just throw in the

towel because a few problems come up. Marriage? You're talking about marriage?

What is your story, man? What is my story, man?

My story, man, is that I love her.

You don't love her. You don't even know anything about her. You've got some kind

of a fixation thing, that's all.

I mean, what is it with you?

Huh? Do you know anything about her, really, huh? Yeah, I know lots of

things. Well, what is her favorite color?

Does she like raw fish? Has she ever been to Europe?

Who is this woman to you anyway?

Could she represent your mother? Don't bring my mother into this.

Dead buddy. Hey, you know, women are put on this earth and you enjoy it and

you're not enjoying her.

When you love somebody, you take on a responsibility to make that person

happy. And she's not happy. You're not making her happy.

So...

You know, you've got to get your own life in order. How are you going to

marry her anyway? You don't even have a fucking job.

I've got money.

Oh, yeah, disability?

What's wrong with disability?

The bank cashes my checks. Women want security, not a disability check once a

month. Linda doesn't care about money. Oh, yeah, right.

And having sex gives you cancer.

Mmm, delicious.

Not as good as yours.

That's the sour cream.

I know.

I remember.

You know, honey, I think you're going to have to get a restraining order.

How do I do that?

You just go in front of a judge, explain your problem, and he issues an order.

Then this bastard can't bother you anymore.

He can't talk to you. He can't come within, I don't know, I think it's 15

yards of you or something.

I think you're going to have to do it.

Mom, I know I'm depressed about this.

You know...

It's also my job that's starting to get to me.

Every day I have to deal with all of these problems.

No housing, beach seals, beach seals.

Linda!

I don't believe this is happening. Did you get my recent letters?

Were you pleased? Did you understand?

Linda?

No.

Well, how come?

And then that happens to be my daughter.

Oh, for heaven's sake. Well, of course, I could see the resemblance. If

you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I'll have both of your legs

broken and your tongue removed with an ice pick.

Do I make myself clear?

I want to give it up.

I want to fill up your cup. I'm insatiable.

Hey, baby, get ready, but I'm never getting up. I'm not getting up.

Tonight, I want to make it end up.

Mr.

Whitley you are are charged with a violation of Section 653M of the Penal

Code, making an obscene phone call with intent to harass. It's a misdemeanor.

How do you plead?

Not guilty.

I'd be inclined to grant bail if I have your assurance that you won't be

bothering this young lady again.

Your Honor, we were once in love, and for some reason it didn't work out.

But that's not an excuse.

I was out of line, and I know it.

It won't happen again. I care about her much too much.

Well, I'm glad to hear you appreciate the problem.

May I remind you that the court has issued a restraining order.

You are not to contact the witness in any way. That means no telephoning.

You're not even to come within 20 yards of her. Is that clear?

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, Your Honor.

Yes, Your Honor.

Okay. And the bail is $100. The trial will be in Judge Converse's...

court in two weeks.

Thank you, Your Honor.

I'd like to add you're much too pretty to be a judge.

Bailiff will show you where to post bail.

Oh, yuck. This tastes like dead flowers. Jesus, Linda, don't you have one cube of

sugar now?

So, what's up?

Herb.

It's all over with him.

He was paranoid.

He refused to believe that I wasn't seeing Ted.

And his male ego just couldn't take it.

That's too bad.

I always liked Herb.

He was such a hunk.

I could tell. I thought you were going to jump in his lap at times.

I didn't do it. Maybe I should have, because all those male hormones were

totally wasted on you. He's free now. Why don't you give him a call?

Woman, please.

If I did that, you'd die.

Gloria, be my guest.

Because, truthfully, I don't feel a thing for him.

Yes, Community Resource Project.

You got any glasses?

I brought some champagne.

Uh, what's the occasion?

Well, the sun went down.

Ooh.

Hey, man, I paid $5 a bottle for this. Show a little respect.

Think he's doing any better with you and Linda?

Not really.

You know what I think?

What?

You gotta find yourself a new girl.

Get yourself properly laid.

I don't want another girl.

I want Linda.

And that's what I'm gonna help you do.

Oh, really?

Now, what you need is to break the ice with someone new.

You'll feel good about yourself.

And so will Linda. How am I... When you meet a girl you want to sleep with, how

much do you offer her?

What are you talking about? I don't offer her anything.

Ted, this is a capitalist country. You get what you pay for.

Pay?

A whore?

No, no, no. Nobody calls them whores anymore.

I'm talking about liberated women.

Working girls.

independent contractors.

Yeah, well, I can't afford a contractor either.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi. Glad you could make it.

Hi.

Ted, this is Cookie.

Hi.

Hi.

Would you like some champagne?

Maybe this will be okay.

Didn't know I was so thirsty.

May I please have some more? Sure.

Thank you.

Can I talk to you for a second, please? What about?

May I go in the bathroom, please?

Of course.

Right through the door.

Thank you.

She's the whore?

She's 11 years old.

Oh, no, no, no. She just looks it. But she's great, isn't she?

And she knows it's me?

Yeah, she knows it's you. Be so uptight. I think she likes you.

She does?

Well, couldn't you tell?

I think the next time she'd do it for free.

How much is it?

75. Oh, no!

It's taken care of.

75 is a bad number. You'll have to tell her to go.

What are you talking about? 75 is bad luck. She can't stay here.

Are you crazy? I can't tell her to leave.

I cannot go through with this.

Oh, for crying out loud. Look, I'll pay her 85, okay?

No.

My house is such a mess, I haven't changed the sheets in a month.

Teddy, don't be so goddamn uptight. You're not doing it for yourself.

You're doing it for Linda.

Consider it a present for Linda.

Okay?

I guess.

Now get your clothes off.

Go on.

He's getting ready now, but he's a little shy.

Oh, that's okay.

I like shy guys.

Thanks.

Bye,

Max. Bye, Max. Bye.

Don't be shy, little teddy.

I am here and you're ready.

If you're real nice to Cookie, you'll get a real... Excuse me, would you mind

if I... I called you Linda.

No, Linda's nice. I like Linda. That's sweet.

I like Linda.

Would you mind putting on this sweater?

Hey. Hey, that is a nice pattern. I'm a woman. Hey, careful.

Watch it.

That's okay.

Don't be worried. It'll be just fine.

What do you want to do?

Would you talk to me like Linda?

Hmm, like Linda. This Linda must be some hot chick, huh?

Linda is not a chick.

Oh, my darling boy.

What was your name again?

Ted. Ted. Right, Ted.

Ted, have another hit of this. It'll mellow you out.

Did you make me feel all tingly?

No, no, no, no, no.

Ever since I first saw you... Ever since I first saw you coming out of

the water, you were standing on the pier.

Standing on the pier.

Son.

Shown like a beacon behind your noble head.

The sun shone like a beak in the... What?

Forget it. Forget it. No.

No.

Would you do me a favor?

Hand me that little book on the table right there.

Isn't it dirty?

Thank you.

Linda.

My Linda.

Would you do me the great honor of

reading some of my poetry to me? My Linda, I've always dreamed that one

day you would read my poetry to me.

My Linda.

It's your kid, my darling.

On a moon... Moonlight, moonlight.

It was on a moonlight... Moonlit night down by

the... I can't read this writing.

It was on... What is that word?

Bitch?

Down the beach.

That's it.

Beach.

Hey!

Hey, you!

Hey! What am I, an English teacher?

I talked to the district attorney.

Doesn't sound good.

The judge went right out of her tree when she heard that you'd broken the

restraining order.

And Linda is pressing charges on the obscene phone call. She made a tape

recording of you talking over the phone.

And if they used that in court, you could go to jail. Jail? What for?

Don't you remember?

I said I love her.

And I wanted to consummate our relationship.

And that's all?

Well, there are a few other things.

Sweet nothings, pillow talk.

Ted, I can play the tape for you if you want me to.

You said you wanted to feel her... Teeth on your rod.

What's wrong with that? That's no big deal. That's just the way lovers talk.

Besides, what business is it of the district attorney what we do in our

bedroom? The point is, you weren't in her bedroom. You are not her lover. She

had a restraining order against you, and she could tape you any time she wanted.

You weren't supposed to contact her at all for any purposes.

I didn't call her on the phone. It was in an intercom.

Well, for the purposes of the law, an intercom and a telephone are equivalent.

That's absurd.

Well, absurd or not, the district attorney is probably going to play that

tape in court. And if he does, you could do time.

What do we do?

Well, you don't have much choice.

You get to court nice and early.

You wear a suit and tie.

You act modest and respectful.

And you plead guilty.

And you just pray that the judge...

Sends you to a mental hospital instead of the jail. I won't go to another

mental hospital.

Everyone there is zombied out on downers. They slobber down their chins.

They pee in their pants. The whole place stinks.

Pat, I don't think you have much choice in the matter. Can't we fight this?

Can't we fight this?

Pat, I can tell you what you want to hear.

Or I can tell you the truth.

Now, which do you want?

Please stand for the Honorable William H. Converse.

Court's now in session.

Be seated.

Is the defense ready to proceed?

I don't see the defendant.

Well, I don't know what happened to him, Your Honor. I thought he'd be here.

I really don't have an explanation.

Did he understand the consequences of his not being here today?

Yes, sir. I was very explicit. I'm sure he understood.

In that case, I'm going to have to issue a warrant for his arrest.

Mr. Whitley.

Well, I'm so glad you could make it today.

I'm terribly sorry, Your Honor. I went to the wrong courtroom. I got here as

quick as I could.

Fine, yes, sir. Take this fan, please.

Mr. Whitley, you're charged with violation of Section 166.4 of the Penal

Code. That's a violation of a restraining order.

How do you plead?

My client pleads guilty, Your Honor.

In addition, you're charged with a violation of Section 653M of the penal

code. That's making an obscene phone call with the intent to harass.

How do you plead?

Again, my client pleads guilty, Your Honor, with mitigating circumstances.

Proceed. Your Honor, my client has had what you could call...

a hopeless romantic crush on Miss Turner for several months now, Ted?

As a coordinator of the community resource project, Miss Turner was

helping Mr. Whitley to locate low-income housing, and they struck up an

acquaintance. Miss Turner became so infatuated with Mr.

Whitley's... poetic prowess and his local celebrity status that Miss Turner

went to see Mr. Whitley perform.

And afterwards, well, Miss Turner asked him

to join her for a walk on the beach.

Your Honor, my client is a published poet who's been known to live his life

on the beach.

Creative edge, as it were. He's a passionate man.

And he was so taken with Miss Turner that he was actually inspired to write

several poems attesting to her... Objection, Your Honor.

The defendant has a history of mental illness, institutionalization, and at

least two instances of criminal molestation carried out...

while performing his duties as a public school teacher.

I see no record of this.

It's news to me as well, Your Honor.

May I have a word with my client?

You may.

What are you trying to pull? I asked you to level with me.

I can explain this, Your Honor. Your Honor, I apologize.

My client is excited.

May we have a recess?

No, that's not true. I don't need a recess.

He looks fine to me.

Let him continue.

Thank you, Your Honor.

You see, there were two little girls in my English class, and they were both at

that magical age of 15 or 15 and a half, where a young colt becomes a filly right

before your very eyes.

Anyway, I was reading Blake. I believe it was the toast.

Wine comes in at the mouth, and love comes in at the eye.

I raised the glass to my lips.

I look at you and I sigh.

So, the one, Tracy, started making eyes at me and rolling her tongue around and

shivering. And, well, she got me so excited, Your Honor, I kissed her. And I

swear, she kissed me back.

Mr. Whitney.

And it was the kiss of a woman, Your Honor. He was also arrested for breaking

into the girl's locker room.

Oh, I can explain that too, Your Honor.

This was at a junior college, and it was a very hot day out.

The water fountain outside my classroom wasn't working, so I went for a walk. I

remembered there was one inside the gymnasium, and I no sooner took a drink

when the girls' basketball team broke from practice.

I'm basically a very shy person, Your Honor, so I decided to wait inside the

locker until the room cleared.

Unfortunately, one woman opened her locker door to get something for her

shower, and...

She happened to be undressed, and so were several other young ladies. I tried

to explain, but they proceeded to assault me.

My right eye and my lower back were injured, and then they called the cops.

I was suspended from teaching for the entire next year, and I had to receive

therapy on a continuing basis.

He means he was committed, Your Honor.

Now, now, please.

Order. Counsel, approach the bench.

Seems to me that Mr.

Whitley's been having a rough time of it. I mean, I myself was president of my

poetry class in college, and I know firsthand what it's like to be

considered artistic.

Now, it seems to me that we should take a... Linda!

Linda!

Take me to your room!

Why'd you put that man out of here?

Let me point this out.

I have never profited from public service. I've earned every cent.

And in all of my years of public life, I have never obstructed justice.

And I think, too, that I can say that in my years of public life, that I welcome

this kind of examination because people have got to know whether or not their

president is a crook.

Well, I'm not a crook.

May I have your attention, please?

Athletics will begin outside in three minutes.

Three minutes.

Bruno!

Robbie, I got it just for you. I hope you like it. Oh, I love it. It came in

three colors.

I hope you like this one. Oh, pink's my favorite color.

Can I watch the end to see what happens to Nixon?

Now, would that be fair to the other patients?

They don't care.

For crying out loud, let him watch TV.

The man served in Vietnam.

What did you say, Mr. Whitley?

Penis.

Mr. Whitley, have you taken your testicle shrinker today?

Alright, knock it back. Here we go.

Heads up!

Good. Really good. Beautiful.

One more. Here it is.

Billy,

go get the ball.

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

I'm on my way to being back with you for a free, free dinner.

Going down the road, baby, save my soul.

Make me whole, save my soul.

Going down the road, baby, save my soul.

presidency effective at noon tomorrow.

Vice President Ford.

Are you sleeping?

Are you watching this shit? Can you believe the fucking president is

resigning?

I know.

Hey,

can I call you back?

Hey, Teddy, man, what's happening?

God damn, when did you get out? I mean, You should have called me. I'd have come

and got you. How'd you get here?

Oh, yeah, your apartment, man. I guess you know. You know, they, like, put all

your shit out on the sidewalk.

Thank you, Max.

Max.

I need to borrow some money.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, me cost this, you cost it. You can stay here as long as you want, man.

You know, more artists and poets have slept on that fucking couch than the

Chateau Marmont.

Hey,

you hungry?

I'll make you a sandwich. I'll make you a big sloppy sandwich.

No, that's okay.

Oh, man. Hey. Thank you.

Hey, man, you smell a little gamey. You want to take a bath?

No, that's okay.

How about we smoke a commemorative hooter in honor of the ex-president,

man? I gotta go.

Where are you going? You just got here. Why don't you sit down on the couch,

have a drink, watch the president?

I gotta see somebody.

Well, not Linda.

Well, don't go see Linda, Ted.

She's the one that got you into this mess in the first place. You go see her

and it just gets worse.

I gotta go.

Hey, man, that's not love. That's stupidity.

Particularly at this time.

You fool!

Hey, give me my money back!

What are you gonna do?

I know what I'd do.

I'd get myself a gun.

Next time that little jerk-off tries to pull anything, I'd blow his fucking

pecker off.

Are you asleep?

Linda, wake up. It's me, Ted.

I'm at the Ocean's Adult Motel.

Pacific and Westmoreland.

Please come right away.

I'm here, darling. I'm here for you.

Everything will be all right now.

I promise you.

Police, you're under arrest. Don't move. Where's Linda?

Look, I'm Linda, okay? Watch it to you.

Is she waiting for me outside?

She's right behind you.

What's happening to my Linda?

I didn't mean to see my Linda.

Take me to my Venus.

Max Waters.

Reggie Springer.

Hey, kid.

Hey, how you doing?

Ted, how's it going, man?

I brought you candy.

Thanks, Max.

Well,

you don't look so good.

Are you okay?

I gotta get out of here.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

It's driving me crazy. I can't sleep.

They scream and play the television 24 hours a day. The air is half CO2. I

can't take it.

You've got to call someone.

Talk to Linda.

Tell her to write to the judge and make him let me go.

I don't think that's the way it works, man.

No, just tell Linda. The judge will listen to her. Promise me you'll go see

Linda. Why would she want to get you out? She doesn't know. I know she

doesn't know.

Just talk to her.

Please, talk to her.

You have to talk to her.

Ted, it's a waste of time, man.

Would you just do it?

Okay.

Okay.

Huh?

Huh?

Hey, don't be afraid.

I've been looking all over for you. We have to talk.

Oh, really?

I'd have nothing to say to you. Ted.

You can't stay in my jail.

That's killing me. You know, these last couple of months have been the only

piece I've had since I've met the guy.

These last couple of months, I can do my community resource work.

I can go to a movie.

I don't have to worry every time I open my door that this maniac is going to

jump on me.

Or worse.

What exactly do you want from me?

You want me to go to the judge and say I'm sorry for the guy? I want you to let

him go? I've changed my mind?

I don't think so.

You've learned his lesson now.

Look, I'm the one who has to live with this craziness. I'm not willing to take

the chance.

Okay?

See you later, big boy.

Have fun, girls.

Where is the candy?

I don't have any candy.

Sure you do.

What is this?

This is good candy.

Nice and creamy.

Have a piece.

No, thank you.

He said take it.

No, look, please.

I...

There are positive messages out there for you.

You're just not tuning in.

I'm kind of hung up right now.

Check it out.

Go where you want to, Ted.

Go on.

Who

is

it? Who is it? Go away.

It's me.

Ted Whitley.

Ted Whitley?

Wait one minute. I'll be right there.

Ted, are you in jail? That's a shame. I can't talk right now. I have a new stud

boyfriend. He hung like Elf. I have to go. Take care, Ted.

Scared, Mom? I never stunk like that. I'm going to have you made into a pack

of book.

You look familiar.

You live around here?

Once upon a time.

You're a writer.

What's your name?

I remember you used to read at the Nevermore.

I was the famous one for about five minutes.

I haven't seen you around in a long time.

You were really wild.

What are you writing now?

Recharging those batteries?

Well, I didn't introduce myself.

My name is Marshal.

Well...

Are you busy later?

Kind of.

Well, I was just thinking that if you weren't doing anything, you could drop

by my house for a little supper and a drink.

I live right over on the canal.

Number 75.

730.

Maybe. By the way, I really like your

pose.

Oh, and, uh, Ted, don't forget to dress.

What's that?

I think it must be a singing telegram. They're very in there.

Oh, we have some more fabulous entertainment for our little talent

show. He's very happening. He's a poet.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's very late, but Mr. Ted Whitley!

The Nevermore. This was a bad dream. More like a nightmare. Yeah, there are

never any men in there anymore.

Nevermore, nevermore.

Poets in there anyway.

Very funny.

Poets don't count. I guess not. Anyway, keep the mic there. I have to go. Bye

-bye. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Bye. Merry Christmas.

I'm breathing.

I want to be home now.

Call me this weekend because I want you to meet my cousin Bruce. He's perfect

for you. Okay.

you in jail.

It was such a crazy time.

I didn't know what else to do.

I didn't want this to happen.

I had no choice.