All language subtitles for S08E06 - Crossroads 1

All right, Mac, call the next case.

How about some breaking and entering,
sir?

You must understand, the Earth is a
living organism. We're becoming like

parasites, sucking its life blood.

All right, that's enough.

Although stunning imagery, Mr...
DeYoung, sir.

He was a researcher at Sunrise Chemical
until he decided, amazingly enough, he

was unstable.

They fired him.

Police found him tonight trying to
burglarize the lab.

Your Honor, my client claims he was
merely trying to, quote, blow the

whistle on the whole mad operation,
unquote.

They had me experimenting with new
viruses, bacterial weapons that could

run amok and threaten the world.

You earth-loving wimps.

Save the trees, save the whales.

Any fool could save a tree. It took
American business to invent the

Styrofoam cup.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

And you are?

Mike Foley, director of public relations
at Sunrise Chemical, where we took the

thick out of toxic.

Don't be alarmed at Mr. DeYoung's
hysterical views.

Our work is to help mankind. It's
benign. It's harmless.

It's here!

Run for your lives!

Mr. DeYoung.

What exactly do you have there?

This is a vial of experimental bacteria.

I wanted to show the world what this
will do.

What will it do?

I don't know.

And that's the point. No one knows what
horrible plague we've concocted here.

That's one way to find out.

The floor's been evacuated except for
those in the court when the test tube

broke.

Is that door sealed?

Good. We don't want any more people
exposed. No telling what effect this

virus has had.

My God,

they've already mutated!

Oh, no, don't worry.

He always looks that way.

You mind telling me what the hell is
going on here? It's just a precaution.

Right now, we don't know what the
bacteria's effects are.

But we're sure that it'll prove
harmless.

We'll have you out of there
lickety-split.

Call me immediately if one of them drops
dead.

What, so all we can do is wait?

Oh, it's okay. I'm sure we'll only be
stuck here a few hours.

Right, right. I'll just have to pay my
babysitter a few hours overtime. No big

deal. Yeah, you're right. That's right.

We're all gonna die!

Shut up, you little lab lizard.

It's your fault we're all in this.

Come on now, it's nobody's fault.

Some things just happen because they're
meant to be.

With all due respect, Harry, that's a
lot of crap.

Oh, I agree with him, Dan. My father
used to say fate plays a bigger hand

than we know.

That's right.

One way or another, fate brought us all
here tonight.

What brought us all here tonight is our
lousy jobs.

I can't speak for you, Dan, but I think
fate played a hand in me getting my job.

Fate and a guy named Melman.

Nice duds. Who are you with, the
nitty-gritty dirt van?

What's your stick?

Huh? Read my lips. What do you do?

Oh, I'm a magician.

Oh, you and a million other losers.

You any good?

Well, I like to think so. You tell me.

Don't give up your day job.

What do you know about it? Besides, that
isn't my only trick. I'll show you

another. Don't bother. I can tell
already.

You don't got what it takes.

How do you know?

I've been around.

You're right.

I've been turned down by every agent in
town.

I've come close a whole bunch of times,
but something always seems to go wrong.

Hey, does somebody have to hit you over
the head?

It's fate telling you to give it up.

And take a job pumping gas.

I don't need to do that.

I got a degree.

And I was awarded a merit scholarship to
law school.

Well, then it's fate telling you to go
to law school.

The thing is that I'd always wonder if I
missed my chance.

No, I'm going to give it one more shot.

I'm a magician, damn it.

What? What do you mean, brain?

Bring in your magic crap in here, these
kids today.

They're into discotheques, mood rings,
the proof.

Now, come on, get out of here, will you?

Don't come back, either.

So, what do you do?

Never mind.

Yeah, yeah, forget him, Marty. Look, I
got a new partner and everything.

Hey, Marty.

Shut up, shit!

Hey. Okay, come here.

Come back here.

Come on.

Look, you came in to do your act.

Let's see it. All right, so you can tell
me it stinks and humiliate me and

destroy my ego, drive it into the
ground. I'm not going to let you do that

to me. I give up on show business. You
want magic?

Mm-hmm.

I'll show you some magic.

Be a trick, kid.

It is.

It's one of my best.

You like it?

Like it?

I love it.

I like it, kid. You got moxie.

Really? I showed that trick to every
agent in town. They all hated it.

Well, that's the great thing about show
business, you know. Only takes one guy

to love it.

And I love it.

I can't believe this.

I was this close to giving up.

So many bad things have been happening.
What's happening to me lately? I was

thinking about giving up magic and going
to law school. Forget about law school.

You're going to be a star.

First you'll be headlining in clubs.
Next stop, Vegas.

And then we open on Broadway.

Broadway to Winter Garden. And then it's
on to Hollywood.

We'll make millions, kid, I tell you.
Millions. What do you think, kid?

What do I think? I think this is the
greatest thing that ever happened to me

in my life. Stick with me, kid. I'm the
only guy in town that can make your

dreams come true.

I'm gonna... Martin.

He's dead.

Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

as soon as they carted Melman away, I
made a beeline for the law school

admissions office.

Whatever happened to little Sid?

Last I heard, he was understudied to
Pinocchio in summer stock.

Okay, everybody.

Good news.

Oh. What?

What? We get to go home? Not yet. In
fact, you'll have to stay here

overnight. Oh. But, Sunrise Chemical is
springing for pizza!

Might not be so bad.

We can just pretend it's a slumber
party.

Slumber party!

Great! That means... Killify!

You do that again, I'll have you shot
and stuffed.

Kids, kids, kids, let's try to get
along, okay? What do you say we tuck in

and call it a night?

Good idea.

If this thing causes convulsions...

It'll be a lot less painful if we're
sleeping.

If I were you, I'd sleep with one eye
open.

Dan, I can't give you any more room.

No problem.

Dan, I toss and turn a lot. I can't
promise I won't hit you.

No problem.

Lights out, campers.

Good night.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Sweet dreams.

I'm sorry, but I can't sleep.

Sometimes when I couldn't sleep, my mom
would tell me a story.

Okay.

Once upon a time, there was a man who
kept his friends awake until they beat

him into unconsciousness with office
furniture.

I like my mom's story better.

Okay, Bull, I have a story, too.

Like Harry's, it was about a crucial
turning point in my life.

I was 19 years old, and I was a
contestant in the Miss Greater Buffalo

beauty pageant.

Thank you, Charlene.

Our next contestant is Miss Lackawanna,
Debbie Lane.

She's 19.

The measurements are 38, 23, 36.

38? Sure, if you count the Kleenex.

Christine, you're next.

Remember, smile and stop pulling that.

Oh, look, Lisa, I'd like to win. I could
use the scholarship, but I prefer to

earn it with my brains.

Christine, the Lord gave you brains for
your whole life. He only lends you those

while you're young. You can use
everything you've got.

I don't know. It's not me.

Oh, I mean, yeah, that's me.

I mean, I don't think this is me. I
mean, look at her.

Miss Lackawanna, here's your question.

How would you feed the hungry of the
world?

I would feed the hungry of the world a
balanced diet of the four major food

groups.

Miss Lackawanna!

I can't believe that stupid answer!

I don't think it was stupid. They liked
it.

Oh, sure. Well, they like mindless
drivel. Like, I don't think women should

worry about politics because it takes
their minds off their children.

That's perfect.

I can't say that.

You know, ever since I was a little
girl, this was my dream.

But I realize that the world has more to
offer, and I have more to offer than

just a pretty face.

You know something?

I can't be part of this.

You know, it pretends to celebrate
women. Really, it degrades them. I hear

you're in the lead. I am?

Oh.

Well, pageants are a part of American
tradition.

I guess I should be proud to be part of
it.

Absolutely.

Christine, we're all in this together.

And if I can't win, I want you to win.

Our next contestant is Miss North

Tonawanda Christine Sullivan.

You're on. Say what they want. Be with
them.

Christine is 19. The measurements are
37, 23, 35.

Christine is a junior considering a
career in law.

Wow. I wonder what her future husband
will think of that.

So, Christine, here's your question.

What do you feel is a woman's place in
the community?

Well, I think that a woman of the 70s
should take an active role in...

In her family.

I think that as for politics, women
shouldn't worry about politics because

women shouldn't... Wait, that's not what
I wanted to say.

Oh, Miss North Tonawanda, you were doing
so well.

Well, what I meant to say is that I
don't think that women should hesitate

to take an active role because, well, we
have every right to.

Women should nurture their families,
yes.

But beyond feeding their children, we
can help feed the world if only we can

make society realize that we're more
than just pretty faces.

We can make a difference.

Well, Christine, food for thought.

Thank you.

Our next contestant is Miss Mayapak Lisa
Brown.

Well, you picked it up for my principal.

So, Lisa, what do you feel is a woman's
place in the community?

I think women shouldn't worry about
politics because it takes their minds

off their children.

Wonderful answer!

Hey, wait a minute. That was my
wonderful answer.

She stole my answer.

You can't give her the title. I'm the
one that deserves to win.

At least I told the truth.

We don't need the truth, kid. We need
somebody that can win.

Oh, I get it. We can't have Christine.
She's too smart. What we need is a

bimbo.

This contest is a sham.

It's degrading to women. It's insulting.

And it's like I want to stuff your bra.

I lost because I took a stand.

It was then I realized that I would
devote my life to righting injustices.

That's why I became a public defender.

You keep your hands to yourself.

Oh, no, it was a nightmare.

I dreamt you were in danger.

Really? You were... You were trapped in
a deep valley.

I was flying to your rescue on a giant
cigar.

By the way, guys, thanks a lot for
falling asleep during my story.

Well, we're awake now. You want to tell
it again?

No.

Someone else should tell their story.

Hey, Roz, how about you?

Huh?

Actually,

I have an interesting story.

It's about a shy little boy in a Bunsen
burner.

Shut up.

I bet Roz is one of those lucky types
who knew what she wanted right from the

start, right?

Wrong.

All I knew was I liked wearing a uniform
and working with people.

Hi, I'm Rod.

And I'm pleased to be your hostess on
today's flight.

Please follow along carefully as I run
through the safety drill.

Always keep your seatbelts fastened when
the light is on.

That includes you, sir.

Now, if the plane should make a water
landing, inflate your life jackets by

pulling these tabs.

If you do as I say, you will stay
afloat.

The rest of you will drown like mangy
rats.

In case of sudden depressurization,
don't come crying to me.

I'll be too busy saving my own butt.

While I'm doing that, these will drop
down in front of you.

Take the cord and wrap it around your
neck.

Russell?

Think.

The first thing you learned in flight
attendant school, what was it?

We're here to serve.

Right.

Russell, I'm not sure you're a Paramus
Air person.

Yes, I am, really. I can do this job.

We'll see.

You may have completed training, but you
don't complete probation until this

flight is over.

I'll be watching.

40 minutes.

That's all I've got to do, and I'm home
free.

Where's my kosher meal? Where is it?

Hey, please, one at a time.

Hey, lady, they got headphones.

I want headphones.

Certainly, sir.

Stewardess, my baby needs milk.

I'll get you some.

Did you want a beverage?

Let me guess, first time flying?

Hey, baby!

I want a beverage, too.

Didn't I just get you one?

No, no, you didn't.

My mistake.

I'll get you one now.

Calm down.

Just a little turbulence. I'm too young
to die.

Then you'd better let go.

Stuart, my baby just threw up. So?

I'll get on it right away.

Take this diaper.

Russell, we land in five minutes.

I'm gonna make it.

I'm gonna make it.

Nothing can stop me now.

What?

Why didn't I get one of those?

You want one of these?

Oh, yeah. You really want one of these?
Yeah.

Get up when the seatbelt light is on.

Didn't you want a hot towel?

What's up?

You're fired.

Fired? You mean I failed my probation?

Mm-hmm. There's no way I'll ever work
for this airline?

Never. In that case... You can take this
job, people screaming in my

face, giving me one hassle after
another.

Take this plane to Havana.

What? I don't want to go to Havana.

Neither do I.

Don't do what he says.

Uh-uh. Cuba's four hours away and I've
been on this damn plane too long

already.

Russell, that's not the way the manual
says to handle a hijacking.

But I'll overlook it.

In fact, I'm willing to overlook all...
all your past mistakes and hire you

permanently.

Forget it. I'd rather spend my life
dealing with guys like him.

So, I finally found what I was good at.

Kicking butt.

And you're glad you're here?

No regrets?

Oh, no. Why would I want to be anywhere
else when I could be stuck here

wondering if I'll live through the
night?

I mean, in situations like this, bad
news always travels fast.

So far, we haven't heard anything.

Bad news!

Do you know what the virus is?

No.

We put a rat in with the culture that we
made, and it died almost instantly.

Why all the long faces?

You'll get another rat.