Original subtitles

Previously on Night Court. You ought to know about it. New York Board of

Education.

Yeah, they were computerizing their records and discovered you.

Received an incomplete in ninth grade American history, which invalidates your

high school diploma.

Huh. How do you like that? I'm a dropout.

I have to take a test? Yeah. In ninth grade history?

Mm-hmm. Oh, man, I feel a zip coming on.

Don't worry, sir. The board has set up a tutor to make sure you pass.

She's on her way over.

My name is Miss Crombie.

I am a history tutor.

Donna called.

Again? Who is this woman? I have no idea. I checked my computer at home. You

know, strangely enough, I've never had a Donna. Two Dagmars, a Dana, a Dana, but

no Donna.

You mean like Donna of a thousand messages, Donna?

Do we know each other from somewhere?

I would hope so, Dan.

I'm your baby sister.

I had a business meeting this evening. Why don't I cancel it? Take you to

dinner. I know this great little Filipino Cajun place.

No, I wouldn't feel right about it.

We haven't seen each other in 20 years. What is one more night?

Go to your meeting.

Bull! Yep.

Do me a favor.

Take care of my little sister. Show her around town. See the sights.

Bull.

Please tell me you didn't sleep together.

Heavens, no.

We only had sex.

No, no, no. Two S's in the song, Missy.

I saw that, Harold. Back to your own work. You have a test this evening.

Yes, Miss Crombie.

Your battle axe.

In the old days, I would have hit her with a spitball.

You're a pea shooter.

You're a crossbow.

I went to a tough school.

All passed.

Thank you, Bull.

Hi,

Bull. How you doing?

My life has become a torturous, excruciatingly cruel joke with no one in

sight to my cycle of despair.

Thanks for asking.

Bull, we've been worried about you. You haven't eaten in a week.

I can eat, not as long as Dan hates me.

I got your favorite, frosted neon nuggets.

Mmm, cereal that glows in the dark, young man.

I won't eat. Don't ask me.

Come on, Bull, it's over.

Dan's not one to hold a grudge.

Hello, Dan. Hey, Dan.

Hi.

Um, 1876.

1876, okay. In 1976, I graduated from law school. I was the graduate.

Dustin Hoffman was the graduate, and he also played that Indian guy in Little

Big Man Custer's Last Dance.

That's right.

Long way to get there, but you made it.

Looks like you got a good system.

Yeah, see, if I associate each date with a key Dustin Hoffman movie, then the

rest of it falls into place.

Try another one. Okay.

1914.

1914. 19 plus 14 is 33. I was 33 when I saw Tootsie, and Tootsie Dustin Hoffman

played a woman. He had trouble getting into a girdle battle of the bulge.

Nope. Panama Canal opened.

Right. Panama Water Rain Man. What was I thinking?

Looks like your system's got a few flaws.

Mac, my entire career hinges on this test.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I'm thinking of cheating.

Now, come on, sir. Now, you are bigger than that. Oh, no, I'm not. I have a

plan.

I'm going to fill this clear pen with tiny little crib notes. Then, if Crombie

the zombie looks my way, I put it in my mouth and pretend to be pondering.

Sir. Right. Dumb idea.

Okay, give me another one. Okay.

1862, the South defeats the North in the Battle of... Bull?

Good for you, sir. Now, Bull what?

No, Max, look.

Bull's here.

And he has the word nem imprinted on his forehead.

That's men backwards.

I found him beating his head against the door to the john.

I'm scum.

I don't deserve to live.

Bull, don't be so hard on yourself.

It's all my fault.

I took advantage of Dan's little sister.

Now, I know you, and I know you wouldn't have done that.

Sit down and just tell us what really happened that night.

Well, we went down to the fish market.

It was magic time.

They'd just begun to unload the tuna.

That would sweep me off my feet.

Yeah, Donna felt the same way, too, because she slipped on a mackerel and

broke the heel off her shoe.

So we went back to her hotel.

I was writing a letter to Mom on the complimentary hotel stationery when the

bedroom door opened.

There she stood in a slinky nightgown holding two glasses of champagne.

What did you say?

Nothing. What did she say?

Hey, Thaler, want to do the hornpipe?

Well, you didn't do anything wrong. You have nothing to blame yourself for.

Are you sure?

I'm a judge.

I know guilt.

Stop punishing yourself.

Thanks, Harry.

Hear that, guys?

You get to go back to the leech farm tonight.

What's next, Mac?

File's on its way, sir.

Another message from your sister.

I'll file it with the rest of them.

Go talk to him.

He looks busy.

Plus, he hates me.

He's not busy. He's doing a crossword puzzle. Go talk to him and make up.

Dan, I want to be friends again.

Full of the word meaning sewage.

Of course.

really being rotten to Bull.

We all know what happened. Your sister asked him to do the corn pipe.

Corn pipe.

That's not the point. I mean, Bull could have put a bucket of ice down his pants

and graciously said goodnight.

Okay, study hall's over. Call it, Matt.

Yes, sir. People versus Ketover and Austin.

Yes, sir. It seems as though we have here a donut. shop, Millay.

It's all his fault. Today was our grand opening till he walked out.

Your Honor, apparently Mr. Austin paid Mr. Ketover's tuition to the Donut

Academy so that they could open a franchise together. See, we had a deal,

Your Honor. I supply the capital, he supplies the know-how. I hate donuts.

I didn't just say so earlier.

Look, Irwin, it's one thing to be out front schmoozing with the cops and

refilling the napkins.

That's glamorous.

a hot, sweaty kitchen, up to my tacos and jelly donuts. I couldn't take it

anymore. I had to get out. With the knowledge that I paid for, you owe me!

Let's settle down.

Can anyone make any sense out of this?

Yes, sir.

I can.

This is about trust.

The foundation on which friendships are built. There is no greater honor than to

have the trust of a friend and know...

Greater disgrace than to betray that trust.

Gee, Counselor, aren't we a little over the top?

I get it.

He's talking about me.

Bingo, Bonzo.

Nice job, Fielding. You two split a hundred dollar

fine and pay the damages.

Dan, my office.

Now.

No chance to talk with your little playmates. You need to study, and from

what I hear, you'll need every minute.

But... It's all right. It's all right. Go ahead. Do your homework.

If I can't handle these two babies, I'm not fit to be a mother.

Move it, Harold.

Dan, hallway, now.

What if I say no?

What if I say I'll pull your lips over your head?

What if I say what's keeping you?

Look at you two.

Dan, I bet if you were to apologize to Bull, he just might apologize to you and

you two could go back to being good friends again.

Listen, little Mary Sunshine.

It's not like he broke my Lincoln logs.

He bopped my sister.

I didn't mean to.

It was an accident.

Uh-uh.

Chernobyl was an accident.

This was the attack of the horny mutant ninja bailiff.

those frowns upside down.

I'd do anything to make this right.

I'd run the marathon with broken glass in my sneakers.

I'd stand in front of a number four bus covered in crazy glue.

I'd remove my old liver and donate it to science in your name.

Gee, Dan, it seems that Bull is willing to go more than halfway.

There's only one thing left to do.

The honorable thing.

Well, I hope you're not going to do anything rash.

Don't be silly. I'm going to marry Dan's sister. Bye.

The judge is stalling because he doesn't want to take this test.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm sure he's making an important legal point. I mean, he never

stalls.

And playing the three... Picard Monty on Ninth Avenue. Not any random street in

this huge city, but a boulevard teeming with impressionable youth, children of

all races and creeds.

Your Honor, could you get on with it, please? I'd like to see my baby before

he reaches puberty.

I haven't been going on that long.

Your Honor, I've lost all feeling in my fingers.

All right, $200 in five days.

What's next, Max?

That's it, sir. The cupboard's bare.

No. Yeah.

Well, then let's open the floor to discussion.

Any questions?

Just one.

When are you going to quit stalling and take this test?

Right now.

That's it.

Zero hour. Pray for me.

Pray there's no line in the men's room.

Well, good luck, sir.

Thank you, Max.

What are these?

Cheat sheets, just in case.

I thought you said I was too big for these. Oh, you may be, but I'm not.

You know I hate cheating.

But if you fail that test, you're out of here. And I'm stuck with a new judge.

And I'm too old to train anybody else.

You think I'm in a crash, don't you? Bigger than the stock market in 19...

1928. Ha!

I don't need those.

Huh.

Uh, Mac? Yeah?

Stock market crash was in 1929.

I know.

You think the new judge might want to paint?

Where the hell have you been? You missed the whole session.

I had some shopping to do.

That better be my bailiff appreciation week gift.

It isn't.

Then it better not be for Dan's sister, that little... Watch it, Roz. That's the

future Mrs.

Bull Shannon you're about to slam.

All right.

So... How much did you spend on the little darling?

Well, let's see.

$145,000.

This rock better be the size of Wisconsin or you've been taken.

You've been taken.

Well, it wasn't just the ring. I also bought some personalized stationery, a

crystal pattern, a dining room set, a station wagon, and a cute little co-op

on the east side.

Where'd you get that kind of money?

I sold some blood.

I'm a very rare type.

Well, will you listen to yourself? If you go through with this, you'll be

Dan's brother-in-law.

Dan will use you. Dan will humiliate you.

Dan will borrow money from you.

So my life won't change that much except for the sex.

Well, do you love her?

I don't even know her.

But I gave my word, and I intend to keep it.

Well, before you go through with this...

Remember what my grandfather used to tell me.

To thine own self be true.

That's Hamlet.

I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.

An elephant's faithful 100%. That's Horton.

You've worked very hard, Harold. And for that, you should be commended.

And I'm sure you would do very well on the exam.

No doubt about it.

If you had to take the exam.

What do you mean, if?

No exam, no diploma, right?

Not necessarily.

There are alternatives to the exam.

What do you think?

I'm saying... I find you very attractive.

Hi,

Dan.

Look. I know you don't want to talk to me, but I'm leaving tomorrow, and I

wanted to say goodbye.

Incidentally, I got the job I was after.

I'm the new senior VP.

Huzzah! Hurrah!

Congratulations.

I guess even a poor shoeless girl from the bayou can make it in the big city.

Apparently, you'll make it with anyone.

What are you implying?

I'm implying that you're a little loose with the caboose.

easy with the sleazy, a little lax in the slacks.

So you're saying I'm a slut?

I'm saying you're a disappointment.

Who are you to say that I am a disappointment? Hey, I am your big

brother. I'll say what I want.

Dan, after having been out of my life for the last 20 years, you do not have

the right to say squawk.

Well, we're just disappointed with everything and everybody around here,

aren't we?

Roz, please keep your nose out of my family affairs.

I could care less about you and Scarlett O'Hara.

It's what you're doing to Bull.

What I'm doing to Bull? Wait a second.

I asked him to show my sister the Big Apple, not the Big Apple.

Stan, it takes two to tangle.

All right, so she's as guilty as he is. That doesn't make it right.

Look, you liked her when she first came here, right? Yeah. Why?

Because she reminded me of me.

And all of a sudden, you didn't like her.

Why?

Because she reminded me of me.

There, I said it. Happy?

Not at all. You?

Miserable.

Then your problem's not with your sister.

Your problem's with you.

I called for a cab 15 minutes ago.

Where is it?

What did you call me?

I hate this city.

Oh, come on. It's not that bad.

Of course, I don't have to look at it.

I just came by to congratulate you on your new job.

I'm sure you worked very hard and deserve it.

Look, I said a lot of stupid and felting things back there, and I'm sorry.

I'm the last person in the world to be giving libido lectures to anyone.

And if you don't forgive me, I'll understand completely.

Forgive me?

Fine. I understand.

I'm an adult.

I'm going to deal with this in an adult manner.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to the roof now and hurl myself to

the street below.

Bye, Donna.

Nice seeing you.

If anyone has a car parked outside, I suggest you move it.

I can be stopped. I'm willing to be stopped.

Gotcha.

Stop, Dan.

You saved my life.

You weren't going to jump.

How do you know that?

Because I pulled the same routine on Mom and Daddy when I was 10.

They wouldn't buy me backwoods Barbie.

Let's run in our gene pool.

Look, Donna, when you bounced back into my life last week, I didn't know what to

think, what to say, what to do.

So I decided to act like a big brother.

Something I obviously know nothing about.

But something I do know.

There's a big hole in my life, and having you around filled it.

A hole in your life?

You?

$700 suits, influential friends, nice cars, bonded teeth.

I thought you had it all.

Believe it or not, I don't.

In the friends department, I'm rather deficient.

But you wrote Mama that you spent Christmas with Schwarzenegger. I did.

I sat through his movie four times.

Look, we've lost a lot over the last 20 years. I don't want to lose any more.

I want to get to know you.

And I don't want to have to spend next Christmas with... Arnold.

Well, this Christmas I'm supposed to go to Bermuda.

But I could cancel.

You'd come back here for Christmas?

We could talk about it.

Oh, with dinner?

Sounds good.

Oh, God.

Get your mitts off my woman.

Bull, what are you doing?

The honorable thing.

Donna, will you marry me?

I promise to honor and obey in sickness and in health and to never eat

crustaceans in bed.

Bull, get up.

You're a swell guy and...

I'm very sorry for putting you through all of this, and I don't deserve you as

a friend.

But you don't have to marry my sister, big fella.

Hmm. Mrs.

Bull Shannon.

What are you, nuts?

I'm sorry, Bull. I am very flattered. But I'm not ready for marriage.

Whew!

Well, this worked out really well.

I don't have to get married, and I'm way ahead of my holiday shopping.

Dan, will you see the ring I got you for Christmas?

Here, how'd it go?

You're looking at a high school graduate.

Well, congratulations, sir.

See?

All that studying paid off.

In a way, Miss Crombie put the move on her favorite student.

She didn't.

She did.

You didn't.

I did.

I told her to go flunk herself.

Threatened to call the Board of Education.

Well, did you take the test? You bet, and I passed.

Look at this.

D minus.

And the rest, as they say, is history. Come on, let's hit the malt shop. I feel

like celebrating. Oh, great. Oh, yeah, sir.

One more thing.

Yeah. This came in the mail today.

It's from your elementary school.

Thank you.