Original subtitles

Harry, Harry, Harry, hey, look.

Look at all of this great movie memorabilia stuff I picked up for you.

There's posters in here, a lobby card, a velvet rope.

Oh, that's very thoughtful of you, Dan. I don't know what to say. Say a hundred

bucks and it's yours.

Come on, you expect me to fork over?

Look at this.

This is an authentic old candy counter hat from the Velasco.

Hey, I was an usher at the Velasco when I was a teenager.

What a swell place.

Crystal chandeliers, old statues, and urinals so big you couldn't hit the top

of you stood back and... I think we get the picture.

You know, back in the 20s, if Alaska was a vaudeville house, had every kind of

actor. They had jugglers, magicians, even had a horse on a high wire.

Hope his trainer carried an umbrella.

So why are they selling all this stuff? Are they remodeling? Even better,

they're tearing it down this week.

Tearing it down? That's terrible.

Yeah, whoever thought of that must be a real moron.

You've been pretty snooty since you started walking upright, haven't you?

It's being done by Fletco Developers, in which I am a proud investor.

Fletco, you've thrown in with those lowlifes who take landmarks and parks

and turn them into one-hour photo donut video malls?

Come on, they're going to tear the theater down anyway.

And this way I'm doing my part to save a few of these little mementos for

posterity. Hey, boss, here's the rest of the stuff you bought from the Velasco.

I've been looking for a nightlight for my bedroom.

No, no, you listen. You tell those jerks that it's a grand old theater and they

shouldn't tear it down.

Oh, yeah? Well, I almost hung up on you first.

Hey, H, you wanted to see me?

Yeah, Dan.

I wanted to tell you that I'm going to meet with the Velasco Preservation

Society today and we're going to stop you and those greedy developers.

Oh, come on, Harry. Read a newspaper. Even Gorbachev says it's okay to make a

little profit.

That's not the point. We can't keep tearing things down just because they're

old. What are you going to do next? You're going to bulldoze Walter

Cronkite?

Your Honor, the Theater Preservation Society is here. Great, Bull. Show them

in.

Could any of you boys tell me where I could find Judge Larry Soames?

You must mean me. I'm Judge Harry Stone.

And you are? Looking for Larry Soames.

Okay, I'm Larry Soames.

Why the hell didn't you say so?

I'm Pop Sturkin.

Did I mention that yet?

You may need a translator. You want me to see if anybody in the building speaks

old geezer?

Wait a minute. Are you the... Pops Durkin of Durkin and Flop? Don't mention

him. I carried that no talent for 30 years.

This guy is a comedy legend. You played the Velasco, didn't you? You betcha,

son. It's all right here. Every act that ever played there. Now, that's me,

the harmonica gauchos.

O'Leary's raccoons?

At the time, the only skating raccoons in North America.

And Vaudeville died?

Uh, sir, here are those files you wanted to look over. Yeah, in a minute, Mac.

We're coming up with a plan to save the old Velasco. Oh, yeah? Now, in the 60s,

we had live music, wild bebop groups.

There's, uh, the Temptations, the Four Tops, the Starlights.

The Starlights?

Boy, I remember the first time I danced to their music.

It was great until Mom turned her ankle.

Well, I've got nothing better to do, but I'm going to go do it anyway.

Now, in the 30s, we had strippers at the Velasco.

Tina and her doves.

Boys, it's a magical sight to see five doves remove a brassiere.

Well, that bird in the front sure looks happy.

Wow, Tina looks pretty.

Think she's still around today?

Yeah, probably sweeping the floor with her tassel.

I frequently shut down my heart for maintenance.

So what you doing? Huh?

Uh, uh, nothing. Nothing.

Oh, I was just, uh, counting these chairs.

Of course.

There's always been four.

Well, that checks with my figures.

What's this?

Huh?

Oh, the Starlines. They were my favorite oldies group. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. You

know, I used to know all their names. Let's see.

That one's rocky, and that one's sunny, and... Gosh, he looks familiar. Who is

that? I forget.

What? That... It's you!

What? That looks nothing like me.

Mac, I'm talking about him.

Oh, well, that's me, sure.

It's unbelievable. You used to sing, what, the Starlight? Oh, Christine, it

was a long time ago before they became famous. We all grew up in the same

neighborhood. Well, Mac, this is fascinating. Don't you miss...

Well, I suppose.

But look, we went our separate ways.

It's all water under the bridge to me.

Yeah, I guess we all have our painful tales of roads not taken.

I once foolishly passed up the chance to be Buffalo's darch queen.

Don't look back, Christine.

We all get angry, Mr. Timmons, but that does not give you the right to venture

frustrations on a customer in your barber shop.

the list of the old performers I contacted, sir.

The Tapping Tortonis, Roy the Human Vacuum Cleaner.

Roy, now there was a trooper in his prime. He could do five shows a day in

an area rug during lunch.

What happened to Tina and her dove?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. She's a no-show.

She said the only things that bump and grind anymore are her knee joints.

Well, even without Tina, we're going to have one heck of a press conference.

Who's having a press conference? We are. We're going to stop Dan and those

parasites from tearing down the... Glasgow.

So you're determined to stand in the way of progress, huh?

Dan, I wouldn't call an all-night T-shirt shop a giant leap for mankind.

All night?

Harry, no, your problem is you can't let go of the past.

What are you talking about? I'm a 90s kind of guy.

1890s, maybe.

Yeah? And you're the guy who wants to tear down a Renaissance cathedral to put

up a donut shop.

Don't be ridiculous.

Yogurt. That's where the money is.

Another big hand for that great old vaudeville performer, Fire Eater in

Thunder.

Wow, wasn't that great, Ross?

Yeah, who'd have thought denture cream was flammable?

And now, another performer who is a part of the heritage of this grand old

theater, performing his classic sketch, The Bellboy and the Death... clerk,

please welcome comedy great Pops Durkin.

Oh, bellboy.

Oh, bellboy.

Yes, sir.

Miss Hockenhauser has a large rear room.

You bet she does.

She's in town for the pottery convention.

Would you mind...

believe I get paid for this job.

Who?

What's your next line?

If it's my line, why are you saying it?

Can we have this conversation later?

Oh, forget it. I hate working with amateurs.

Oh, please.

Get out of the business, Soames. Your box office poison.

I'm sorry, sir, I took this upon myself, but frankly, you were dying here.

He's the one who forgot his line.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the world's...

Until you showed up here. In your face, man. In your face.

At that point, the press conference deteriorated into

a shouting match.

I've never been so humiliated in my entire life.

How about that time you spoke to the League of Women Voters and your fly was

open?

still going to be destroyed.

And in a late-breaking development, moments before the wrecking ball was to

begin demolition of the theater, a New York man has chained himself to the

doors and has refused to move.

And so as darkness sets in, the wrecking ball remains held at bay by this brave

man, who some are beginning to call Baldy the Bailiff.

Mr. Shannon, how long do you think you can hold out?

With a border party?

Indefinitely.

And without one?

Maybe a week.

I think America needed to know that.

With me now is Fletco President Mr. Lawrence Farrington, who has set the

deadline of midnight to begin wrecking around Mr. Shannon.

You know, on the Spanish channel, they're calling him El Estupido Grande.

happy, Dan. You and your money-grubbing friends are about to pulverize bull.

Well, wait a minute. I don't make decisions for this company. I'm an

average stockholder. I send in my proxies to elect a board hoping they'll

make me a reasonable profit.

It's called blind faith in the big greedy guys.

That's it.

That's it. If we could talk enough of the stockholders into sending us their

proxies, then we could force Farrington to call off the demolition.

That would be nice.

It would also be nice if the meat in my freezer turned into Eddie Murphy.

We'll get Bull to make a plea on television, then the sock holders will

call us.

You're putting a lot of faith in a man whose lips move while he thinks.

It'll work. I know it will.

All the average Joes, the little guys, Sam the druggist and Dave the butcher,

joining together with their proxies to stop the cold-hearted developers.

You know, Harry, if you weren't born,

Walt Disney would have had to draw you.

I'm sorry my little surprise upset you so much.

I was just sure it was going to be like one of those sweet, this is your life

reunions. Oh, yeah?

Well, why didn't you invite the sweet girl who stood me up for the prom?

Or the real sweet army recruiter who talked me into being all I could be?

Mac, I'm sensing there's some unfinished business here. You're damn right there

is. Just before they hit it big, the starlights dumped me.

Really? Yeah.

Why? Well, I was a lot younger than the guys.

Everybody said I was better looking and more charming than they were.

I didn't say it. Everybody did.

So you're saying they were jealous?

Look, all I know is they go to work in goal of May, and I'm wearing earmuffs on

the subway.

You know, Mac, I felt exactly the same way when I was kicked off the pep squad.

They cleaned out my locker. They took away my pom-poms. Christine, I don't

care.

is I have been mad ever since.

I don't listen to rhythm and blues and I can't even watch those little dancing

raisins.

We don't have all night.

Is Mac going to apologize or not?

You told these guys I was going to apologize to them? Well, Mac, I just

thought maybe... They stabbed me in the back. What?

What's his problem?

Well, I think Mac is feeling a little rejected and maybe a little... Picked

off. These guys dropped me for no reason.

What are you talking about? He quit.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's right.

So you quit. Quit how?

I just took some time off to finish high school. When I came back a year later,

they acted like they never heard of me.

Well, that wasn't very nice, guys. We gave him tickets to our show. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. That's right.

You tell him I didn't want the damn tickets.

Well, apparently, Mac wasn't really interested. Yeah, and tell him I wanted

to be back on the stage.

From what I can gather from Mac... Tell him I wanted to be back with the group.

Mac.

Tell him yourself.

You never told us you wanted back in.

Well, I thought you'd get the hit after I showed up wearing a spangly tux.

We thought you were just styling.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, well, I wasn't.

Here you guys went on to become rich and famous, and the biggest thrill I get is

going a day without a paper cut.

Well, Mac, it wasn't all glamour for us either.

It's tough on the road.

Oh, yeah, I'm crying for you.

I bet you guys rake it in. Yeah, and we shovel it right back out. We got

managers and road expenses.

We don't do it to get rich.

We do it because we love it. And if you loved it, you'd have kept singing with

or without us. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and that's right.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

I made my choice a long time ago.

Look, will you guys forgive me for being such a fool?

I think so.

Hey,

look, why don't we go get something to eat? You bet. All right.

It is your turn to pay.

The hell it is. I paid the last time.

But that was 20 years ago.

Oh, man, I'm not paying.

Well,

thank you very much for your proxies.

What's that?

No, no one has ever told me that I sound like a young Cesar Romero.

You've got two hours left. What have you scraped together so far?

633 proxies and a hide-a-bed if we pick up.

Harry, to get a voting majority, you need 20,000 proxies.

20,000?

600 won't even save the handle on the ladies' room door, which, by the way, I

bought.

It's hopeless.

We tried our best, but we lost.

Not entirely.

I've been looking for a hide-a-bed.

I guess I ought to go tell Bullitt it's time to throw in the towel.

Harry, listen, it was a noble effort.

Dan, I decided that if it had made a difference in turning the tide, I was

prepared to give you my entire portfolio.

That's very generous, Dan. How many proxies do you have?

Way over four.

Five.

That's not the point. Your determination has made me respect your viewpoint. As a

matter of fact, now I'm sorry to see that the Velasco's falling.

Ready to go, boss.

Great idea of yours, burrowing through the rubble to get more collectibles.

Phil, do you remember that little talk we had about discretion?

I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut your pay in half.

Gee, it was a foot long, too.

And so here he stays, this... jumbo, gentle, genial giant, challenging the

corporate world, singing his heartfelt songs of protest.

John Jacob, Jacob Heinrich Smith, that's my name too.

Starrington, hold on. So, haven't you got somebody else to annoy?

I'm asking you one last time to reconsider.

This isn't just bricks and mortar that you're knocking down here.

People laughed in there. They cried in there.

Babies were born in the balcony.

A lot of them were conceived up there, too.

What do you say?

I say, when the mall opens, yogurt's on me.

Okay, Vito!

Let's get that wrecking ball swinging!

My bridge group and I have been watching this, and we hate to see you wreck this

place. I don't have time for this, lady. Hey, let her talk.

As a young girl, I met a very special young man here during a movie.

We talked, we laughed, we shared our popcorn.

And I'll bet you and that young man fell in love, got married, and you stayed by

his side till his dying day.

Nah, he just wanted a cheap feel.

One of the best times I've ever had.

Brings a tear to my eye.

Anyway, my bridge group and I have a few proxies we'd like to give you, Judge.

Very touching.

I mean, how many proxies can a bunch of old card-playing biddies have, huh?

19,360.

What? From a bridge club?

We don't play bridge, Buster.

We build them.

With what we've already got, we're only seven proxies short.

The operative word is short, Stone.

Yeah, and you promised us your five.

Well, yeah, I mean, if it'd have put you over the top. Damn, you were so close.

Damn.

Okay.

I guess I could give you my two proxies.

Your two proxies? What the hell are you talking about, your flea farm?

I bought these shares for a rainy day.

You know, in case I was ever a little down on my luck.

Thank you, Phil.

Dan, I guess your five are going to make the difference after all.

Oh, well, I changed my mind.

Dan, you promised.

Did I make eye contact?

Yes, you did.

All right, all right, all right, here.

Mr. Farrington?

Yogurt this.

People like you take the fun out of demolition.

Shut it down, Vito.

Yes!

Bull! You big lovable lug, you did it!

Oh, it wasn't only me, Your Honor. Oh, don't you be modest, big guy. Thanks to

you, another generation of popcorn rats is gonna be able to love this majestic

old theater.

Majestic? That's right.

I was an usher at the Majestic.

I've never been to the Velasco in my life.

What are you doing, Rod?

Yeah, well, there she is.

There's some good memories here, huh?

Five of us really brought down the house.

Yeah, and as I recall, you brought down some jealous husbands, too. Yeah.

That's true.

Why don't we say we sang one together? Just for old time's sake. Oh, no, no,

no. My voice is way out of shape.

But that never stopped you before.

Well, now, that's true.

All right.

In the steel...