All language subtitles for S07E11 - Üassion Plundered

Wait, wait, wait. I'm not done.

Why don't you buy your own newspaper?

I don't want to get that poisonous ink
all over my hands while I'm eating

lunch.

Yeah, you're right.

Thank you.

Hey, the gang's all here. Come on, I'll
introduce you. Oh, I have to make a

quick phone call first. Over there.

Hey, guys.

So, Harry, who's that with the great
sweater meat?

Her name's Pamela Hammond. She's a
reporter doing an article on our court.

I told her we'd help her in any way we
could.

I'm thinking about a half dozen ways
right now.

She happens to be a very intelligent and
successful woman.

Well, it's nice to know that there's
someone around who is man enough to

treat women with respect.

Oh, please. You two have the sex drive
of Ken and Barbie.

If anybody knows about having sex with
plastic people, it's you.

Hey, Pamela.

This is... Dan Fielding. And several
people you really don't have to worry

about.

We go by the names of Christine
Sullivan, Roz Russell, and Mac Ross.

Judge Stone has told me all about you.

Too bad, Dan.

I've been telling Pam that in a
high-stress job like ours, it's

important to have competent people
around to make things easier.

Hi, guys.

Oh, don't worry, Your Honor.

I'm just having one of those dreams
where you show up to work in your

underwear.

Uh, Pamela, I thought maybe I'd like to
take this opportunity to give you a

little background information on myself
for your article.

Dan, I should tell you the focus of my
story is on Judge Stone.

I see.

So it's going to be a short piece.

However, in the unlikely event your name
should come up, I'll make every effort

to see it spelled correctly.

You're abusive.

I like that.

Au revoir, mon chéri.

Ah, Pamela, I think that I should warn
you.

Dan is not what he seems to be.

He seems to be the kind of guy who would
hit on anything in a skirt.

All right, then he is what he seems to
be.

Matt, hit me with your best shot. Yes,
sir. Call People vs.

the Conkle Brothers.

to you, too.

Prosecutor? Yes, sir. The defendant is
charged with juggling flaming shish

kebabs on the street without a license.

I hope that law doesn't apply to
Kielbasa.

Miss Sullivan, how do your clients
intend to plead to this illegal use of a

Slavic meat dish?

They claim diplomatic immunity, sir.
Huh?

Well, according to their passports, they
are exiled royalty from Boldavia.

I am Prince Havel, and these are my
brothers, Prince Bled,

And Prince Poopa.

Guys mind hoeing downwind?

I'm sure I learned this in the sixth
grade, but where the heck is Valdavia?

It's half an alp on the rear end of
Yugoslavia, sir.

Principally known for being unknown.

But we will fix that by becoming big
stars on Ed Sullivan's show.

Just like Beatles and Red Buttons.

I hate to break this to you, but Ed
Sullivan is dead.

Eddie Kerblotsky?

Now, how can we raise donors for the
revolution?

Who's revolting?

I'll give you three hints.

Matt, this sounds like a job for the
State Department.

I'm already on the phone, sir. Well,
hold over the case until then.

Roz, Bo, would you please keep an eye on
their hoinesses here?

Let's go, fellas.

Didn't they ever tell you, you big,
beautiful woman who bounces when she

walks?

Nobody who lived.

And let's take lunch, people.

Miss Hammond, if you like, we can
continue our discussion in my office.

Hamline, I didn't want you to get me
wrong.

I mean, Harry is well worth writing
about.

I mean, there's a reason he's called the
Jerry Lewis of jurisprudence. I just

thought before you commit yourself,
you'd like to talk to some of my co

-workers and find out about the real me.

Oh, I already have, Dan. In fact,
several secretaries mentioned that you

dye your chest hairs.

I do not.

It's just a rinse.

before you start sweating on it. You
have it backwards, my large bald friend.

We juggle to pay for food.

Oh, gee, fellas, we don't do it that way
here. You need money.

But we have none.

We will starve to death like rats with
gum disease.

But who needs food when we can pig out
on the beauty of the siren of the

slammer?

Maybe sit here and hit on you.

Long as I can hit back.

So how do you answer those who say that
your magic tricks diminish the court's

dignity? Oh, well, my reputation as a
trickster is really over-exaggerated.

The fact of the matter is, I hardly ever
do those things anymore.

Oh, that's a shame. I was really hoping
to see you do a trick.

Oh, well, in that case... Ta-da!

Sorry, that's terrific.

Yeah, I figure if I can lighten the load
of some guy on his way to the big house,

why the heck not, huh?

Oh, I'm out of tape.

Excuse me a minute.

Harry Stone background?

Harry Stone in court? All these tapes
are about moi?

No, I believe in doing my homework.

Harry, we have to talk.

Miss Hammond, I forgot you were in here.

What is it, Dan?

We have to go over this Ferguson case
right away, sir. You know, it's

important that Judge Stone and I are in
sync so we can give the matter all the

attention it deserves.

Dan, this is an ordinary flasher case.

Well, then it's open and shut.

I can't tell you how proud it makes me
to serve justice. I could elaborate on

this over dinner.

That won't be necessary, Mr. Fielding.

Uh, sir, sir, I need you to sign these
warrants again.

Oh, gee, Mac, why can't we get this done
right the first time? Because you signed

them with disappearing ink.

Look, Harry, why don't you take care of
that? I need to make a few phone calls,

and I'll be right back.

See you then.

Hey, what's this?

Judd Stone, tape three.

That's Pamela's research on me.

Really?

Why don't we see what she had to say
about it? Hey, I wouldn't do that.

That's private property.

All right, fine, fine, fine. We'll just
put it in here for safekeeping. We won't

listen to it, okay?

Spider!

Some are offended by Judge Stone's
unorthodox style.

Dan! But there's no question of his
qualifications.

Dan, turn that off now!

If only I weren't so shy, I'd tell him
how much I love him.

Touch it and die.

under her skin, huh?

Who would have thought the woman was so
shy?

And blind.

Wait a minute, I got it. I know why she
likes you, because you're safe. The same

reason women love puppies and George
Burns.

Well, it is true that some women look
for men that are non-threatening.

Hey, you guys can rationalize it however
you like, but that doesn't change one

thing. She wants me.

Harry, I don't want to hear this.

Allow me to summarize.

While you're in your office putting
together your naughty nurse jigsaw

puzzle, I'm going to be here
entertaining Pamela with the lights down

and the music up.

Because that's what the woman wants.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me get this. No,
please. It's the least I can do.

Jessica Carrington, are you a fan of
this, too?

Oh, I know, I know, I know. I don't like
people knowing that I read romance

novels, either. But between you and me,
I think she is terrific.

Ooh, passion plundered. Where'd you get
this one? I've never seen it.

Can you keep a secret?

Yeah. I wrote it. Jessica Carrington's
my pen name.

You're Jessica Carrington!

Why, Miss Carrington, it's a small
world.

Come on, here, I want to talk to you.

I'm sorry, I just can't believe I'm
talking to Jessica Carrington.

My God, where do you find the time to be
a reporter and a novelist? Well, I

dictate in my spare time, and then I
have it transcribed.

Why are we being so secretive?

You see, the books pay fine bills, but
if anybody found out that I wrote them,

it would hurt my reputation as a serious
journalist.

Ah, oh, of course, I perfectly
understand. I mean, books can't be taken

seriously. They're just a mild
diversion.

Angeline's going to be captured by
terrorists again.

Oh, look at me. You must think I'm such
a silly goof. Not at all. I'm flattered

that you like them.

Well, it's just that your characters are
so real to me.

I can tell. You and I have a lot in
common.

Really? Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, I think only a woman knows what
another woman really feels.

I mean, let's face it. A man would have
no idea how to write something like

this. That's so true. I mean, most men I
know aren't exactly what I would call

sensitive. Isn't that the truth?

I think that's why I prefer the company
of women.

You know, I don't blame you. I mean,
women are so much more considerate. They

don't scratch in public.

No, I mean, I really prefer women.

Oh.

Maybe if you'd like, later on we can get
together and have a drink and talk.

Well, uh, that...

Certainly sounds like fun, but
unfortunately,

I am so busy. You wouldn't believe the
amount of work I have to do. I mean,

there's so many cases that come through
here.

Boy, is that slippery paper.

Christine, I apologize.

I've obviously made you feel very
uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable? Oh, me? No, no, no.

Oh, please. I mean, it's no big deal. I
mean, some women prefer men, and some

women prefer...

Non-men.

Exactly. I mean, it makes no difference
to me that you're, you know... A

lesbian? Yes.

I hope you're not offended by the word.

You didn't say it.

Well, I better get back to my interview
with Judge Stone.

Oh, Christine, I prefer that not
everybody know my secret.

Oh, please, absolutely. I mean...

I think that anybody's sexual preference
is nobody's business but their own.

No, no, no. I mean about being a romance
novelist. I'm quite open about being

gay.

Right.

You see, there is Vodavia.

But only way to know its true beauty is
to see for yourself.

Which brings me to next question.

Miss Ross, will you marry me?

I hope for your sake I didn't hear that
right.

I know my nose is not as big as my
brother Vlad's.

But I can give you a big house, many
sheep, and every night I will cover your

body with hickeys.

I got a better idea. Why don't you cover
one of the sheep with hickeys?

You must have heard about Cousin Yodel.

Dan, Dan, it's not as bad as you think.

Yes, it is, Mac. Hey, he's a judge. He's
clever, and I can see why a woman might

like him.

That was him.

He's just upset because Pamela's got a
thing for Harry and not him.

Oh, no, she doesn't, Mac.

Trust me on this one.

Christine, she said our arms ache to
hold him and caress his sinewy body.

Back, please.

Face it, Dan. It was right there on the
tape.

The tape?

Yeah. It was on Harry's desk. It fell
into his tape recorder. I had nothing to

do with it.

Oh, of course. That must be her... What?

Nothing.

Yes, I do.

I know that she definitely wasn't
talking about Harry. But who was she

talking about?

Mia.

Of course!

The only reason she was playing up to
Harry was to get the interview.

Oh, Pamela, you sly little minx.

Promise to keep this to yourself and you
stay away from Pamela.

All right, I promise.

Spill the beans.

She moonlights as a romance novelist.
You were listening to the dictation of

her latest book.

What? You mean that woman is into this
mindless romantic drivel?

Who's this guy with the eye patch?

Oh, he's a former CIA agent who lost his
eye while he was rescuing Angeline from

a Colombian drug lord.

Or so I've heard.

This is great.

And Harry's in there getting ready to
make his big move on her.

Oh, my gosh. He is going to make a
complete fool of himself.

Yeah. Life is good.

And so, given the impersonal nature of
the system, when someone comes before me

in my court, at that moment, in an odd
way,

I am Lady Justice.

Harry, you have such a brilliant sense
of humor. I can't tell when you're

kidding and when you're not.

I was kidding.

Definitely kidding then.

Yeah, I kid because it helps me relax at
the end of a long day. That's one way.

Another is to play a little Mel Torme.

You mind?

Oh, no, no, I like Milt Ramey.

Isn't it romantic?

Music in the night.

Dream that... Whoops.

Bulb must have blown.

Hope you're not afraid of the dark.

No, I'm not. It's just that I won't be
able to see my notes very well. Well,

then.

Perhaps I can be of some assistance.

Your Honor!

What?

I was wondering if you could do me a
favor.

What is it?

I can only tell you over here.

I'm over here.

Trust me, sir. She doesn't like you.

Not that it's any of your beeswax. I
just so happen to know she does.

Look, Harry, if this is important, we
can always continue it tomorrow.

No, no, no, no, Pamela. In fact, Miss
Sullivan was just ready to leave.

Weren't you?

Right. But first, I'd like to leave you
a little note reminding you about that

favor.

I'm sorry about this, Pamela. We can
pick up where we left off.

There you are, sir.

All right. Thank you very much, Miss
Sullivan.

She's a lesbian?

I thought you said it was no big deal.

And I firmly believe that. I was just
giving Judge Stone a piece of

information. Then why did you use three
exclamation points?

Well, I just wanted to make sure he got
the message. I mean, you know how men

are.

I will show you a love you've only
dreamt of.

Dan.

Dan.

What?

Lesbian. I thought you said she was a
romance writer.

You told him? I was just trying to keep
him off your back.

Wait a minute. Slow down here. Is she a
lesbian or is she a romance writer?

Where do you find the time?

I mean, all that romantic stuff on the
tape, it wasn't about me.

You listened to my tape?

Well, it was his idea.

It was on your desk. I don't believe
this.

I thought I was coming down to a
courtroom, not a junior high school.

Well, I've got a question for you.

Why do you get off looking like that and
liking girls?

You're supposed to wear a flannel shirt
and look like Pete Rose.

I'd like to distance myself from that
remark.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

I think that speaks for all of us.

Pamela, we behaved rather badly. I think
we owe you an apology.

Oh, save it.

You know, it would serve you right if I
focused my article on your adolescent

hijinks.

Oh, you wouldn't really do that, would
you, Pamela?

I might be willing to make a deal.

Okay.

20 bucks.

No.

Here's the deal.

You don't tell anybody I'm a romance
novelist.

And I won't write about what happened
here today.

Well, that sounds pretty reasonable,
doesn't it? Oh, absolutely.

Say no more, say no more.

Good.

Then I'll be on my way.

Well, I think we handled that pretty
nicely.

We were goon balls.

Yeah. Yes.

Sir?

Oh, sir.

Oh, go ahead and say it, Mac. I know
you're dying to. It's probably all over

the building now. Everybody's snickering
behind my back.

Harry Stone turned the lights down and
played Mel Torme for a lesbian.

Huh?

No, no, I just want to tell you the guys
from the State Department is here about

the Conkle Brothers.

Oh.

Good.

What about that other stuff? If you
happen to hear it, huh, ignore it. I

don't know how those rumors get started.

Hi, Harry Stone.

T. Mark Fitch, acting executive
assistant to the vice deputy

undersecretary for Central Balkan
Affairs.

Whoa, better stuff to get all that on a
business card.

All right, see you found the Conkle
brothers.

Yes,

and their papers check out, Stone. They
are the Baldavian royal family.

Wow. What's protocol in a situation like
this?

We throw them on a plane and ship their
butts back.

Fight! Back to fight for freedom of
Bolivia!

Fight! You don't have to fight.
Yugoslavia kicked you out because they

are tired of supporting your nation of
obnoxious freeloaders.

Brothers, let us sing the national
anthem.

No, that's really not necessary.

Heartwarming. I wish your country the
very best.

Ah, don't worry about us.

We have found a way to improve our gene
pool.

Hey!

Who is that?

Well, Judge, got to go.

Pleasure meeting you.

Hey, open this damn thing up!

Is that Ross?

Pretty neat.

She was napping in the bail lounge just
a few minutes ago.

Well, hope you find her.

We'll see her if we let you know.