All language subtitles for S06E21 - Not my Type

Hi, Mac.

Sit up, Mac.

Can't get one past you, huh, sir?

What you doing, Dan?

Oh, just putting an ad on one of those
computer bulletin boards.

Need help with divorce or landlord
dispute?

Like to party with paper mache?

Call this number and ask for Rinaldo.

I'm just trying to give a little free
legal advice. Forgive me for caring.

Well, these legal advice seekers happen
to be wanton sex-crazed women, Dan?

Well, if they aren't, Rinaldo's going to
be very disappointed.

Hey, what the hell are you doing on my
computer?

Mac, relax.

No, no, I was doing a paper for my
creative writing class.

Hey.

Where's my file?

You novices are all the same. Where's my
file? Where's my file?

Uh-oh.

Hey, it's got to be in here somewhere.

What's the name of the file, Mac? Huh?

Look, never mind. I'll find it myself.

No, this is important. It's for your
college class. What's the name of the

file?

My dog, Sparky.

Sparky?

Sparky, yeah, yeah. That's with a Y,
isn't it?

Okay, I, uh... Oh, I think I see the
problem.

What? It's gone.

You can't find it?

Nope. Dan must have lost it in the
system.

Oh, boy, I'd like to help. Session's
about to start, though. I'd better

get... Dan, you have destroyed five
hours of typing by a very strong man who

hasn't slept in three days.

Now, you're going to help me find that
file, aren't you?

Oh, what the hell? Why not?

Don't worry, Mac. Your file's still in
here somewhere. It just got sent to

another directory in the system.

Harry, it's got my name on it. I don't
want the guys down in Homicide reading

about Sparky.

Listen, this course of yours, you and
your classmates have nap time.

Look, it's a college course, and we were
assigned to write a paper from a child's

point of view.

I found it. Yes, all right, Harry, you
magnificent computer nerd, you. All

right, hey, you saved me.

Well... When you want a job done right,
you go to a master.

Okay.

Let's print this baby up.

Once upon a time.

Harry, I know it was longer than this.

Max, it's a big deal. You write another
paper. Once upon a time, my dog ran

away, hit by a semi-pumpy pancake, so I
cried the end.

Can I talk to you, Anna?

Sure, Art. You've got to make it quick,
though.

Well, it's an important matter of a very
personal nature.

Keep the drill in the toolbox and buy
some Q-tips.

Okay, Art. Come on. We can talk in my
office. No, Harry.

Don't leave me.

Mac, I got you started. Go ahead. Come
on. Have fun.

Oh, yeah. You bet we will. A couple of
guys huddled around a computer.

Oh, I'm having fun already.

Whee!

Okay, Art.

Lay it on me.

What's your problem?

It's about my lodge, Your Honor. You
see, our annual buffalo banquet is

coming up.

Don't tell me it's their bison-tanio.

So, your problem has something to do
with the banquet.

Yeah, you see, everybody else is
bringing their significant others. And,

well, I'm a single guy and... You're
having trouble finding a date.

How did you guess?

Vibes. Simpatico.

Amazingly obvious. Call it what you
will.

So, what can I do for you, Art?

Well, you see, sir, I'm coming to you
because there are very few guys around

who've had the experience with ladies
that you've had. Oh, Art, I haven't been

that successful.

That's what I'm talking about.

You know all about rejection.

Thanks for noticing.

You know, just one comment, Rana. I
would love to take another woman to this

affair other than my mother.

Hey, not that Mom's not a good time or
anything.

I mean, the guys down at the lodge, they
still get a charge out of her when she

pulls a bottom lip over her nose.

So, you're thinking about dating outside
the family.

It's a bold move, Art.

Well, you know, it's not that easy to
find girls, Your Honor. And let's face

it, I ain't no Bert Convey.

Well, but then who is, really?

Amen.

You know, I don't know what it is, Your
Honor. I just can't talk to the babes.

Well, you know, the trick there, Art, is
you've got to find something to talk

about that you have in common.

You mean like plumbing?

I'd save any discussion of snaking out
drains until the second date. Let me

write something down, sir.

And you might want to pay more attention
to your appearance.

Really? In what respect?

Lose the hat.

Wash hair.

Good start.

Gee, sir, I just hope she's worth all
this trouble.

Look, look, look, look. I can fix this
for you. The same thing happened to me

in college, right?

All I had to do was go to my teacher's
house, pour some champagne, and put on a

Streisand record.

Dan, Mrs.

Steinem is 72 years old.

Okay, milk of magnesia and Montevani.

Hey, Matt, there's something wrong with
these bail reports.

After his arraignment, Mr. Minkoff was
sentenced to jump in my lap and lick my

face until I gave him a doggy treat.

That's my paper!

Dan, whatever you did must have spread
my paper through every computer in this

building.

Something wrong with your receipt?

I don't understand all the charges.

Soda, 75 cents, sandwich, 250, and I was
haunted by the memory of those big brown

eyes, cold nose, and a pruned Danish.

We're starting to piece this together.

Oh, this is humiliating.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Harry. Oh, oh, oh. What was Art's
big personal problem? His shorts riding

up again?

No, Art's having a problem with an
affair of El Corazon.

Art's having an affair with a wrestler?

No, Bull. He's having trouble with
women.

They came to you for advice?

And why not?

I've often said you own the opposite
sex.

I guess he needs a date for some big
shindig.

Oh, yeah? Where's Arkin to find a troll
with no sense of smell?

Dan, you are so shallow.

It so happens that women think
differently about these things.

You take a little more than flash in a
nice set of buns.

Speak for yourself.

I mean it.

We look deeper than that.

And you'd be surprised at the beauty you
can find in the most unlikely packages.

Christine, would you go to the Buffalo
banquet with me tomorrow night?

You were saying?

Art, um, did we discuss this in private?

Excuse me.

You shouldn't stare.

What, miss watching a squirm?

What is a buffalo banquet?

Like this, I should explain.

It's my lodge. We're having a very fancy
to-do.

And, uh, I was wondering, would you
grace my presence with yourself?

Oh.

Well.

Gee.

I know it's short notice, so you don't
have to do anything fancy with your

hair. That'll do.

All right, this is such a surprise.

But I'm sorry, I can't.

Oh.

No, it's, uh, I have to work tomorrow
night.

Well, I just thought I'd ask.

Thanks for not cringing.

All right, I know what you're thinking.

Hey, you had a good reason for not
going.

I did.

After all, your job comes first.

Yes, it does.

And it's not as if he hasn't heard the
word no before.

Oh, sure, sure.

Besides, he can always go with his mom,
like he's done every other year.

Oh, come on. I'm sure he's asked out
other girls before.

Oh, he's asked, but they've always found
some reason not to go.

But that's not really your problem, is
it?

Look, they turned down the Woolrich
Hotel.

No kidding. I stayed there once. Did
you?

All right, I'll go.

So, Christine, I hope you like your
cassage.

Oh, oh, it's very nice.

I can't wait to get home and plant it.

Arnold! Art!

Hey, hey!

Hi,

everybody. Hi, Joyce. Hi, Nick. And I
don't believe we've met.

Christine Sullivan?

Make a stand for charm.

Whoa, all right, nice. She makes Miss
October look like a hog.

Listen, I'd love to sit here and chew
the fat, but it's time I whipped this

herd into shape, huh?

There you go.

That Nick is such a character.

Isn't he, though?

So, Joyce, do you work?

Oh, not me.

I'm a full-time housewife and mother of
seven.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I love children.

Oh, well, then you better get started
pretty soon.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

That's always wanted, kids.

Hey, is this thing on?

Welcome, fellow buffaloes, to our annual
banquet.

Hey,

how about that dinner, huh?

All right, all right, hold on to your
seats. Now it's time for the moment

we've all been waiting for.

The announcement of the three lucky
women who will compete for the sought

-after title of Buffalo Queen.

Art,

what is Buffalo Queen?

Only the most sacred honor as buffaloes
can bestow upon a woman of the opposite

sex. The judges select the nominees
based on personality, individuality, and

the best bazoombas.

And the finalists are... Doris Marlion.

to the stage, huh?

Art,

Art, Art, I don't think I can do this.
All aboard, sweet kids.

Art, no, I can't.

I must be dreaming.

Hey, don't worry. I won't bite. Not with
my wife watching.

She also does weddings.

Boy, Christine, she's going to be real
tough to beat.

Have you figured out what you're going
to do yet?

I have no talent to compare with that
art.

Are you sure?

Trust me, all I can do is play a little
piano.

Well, if that's all you got.

And now, for our final performance of
the evening, how about a nice hand for

Christine Sullivan, huh?

Great Canadian.

Thank you. Um, I'd like to play a little
piece for you I hope you'll all enjoy.

Box two-part invention number three in A
minor.

A minor.

Woo!

Matt, come on, come on. What's your
beef?

Yeah, the lady down at word processing
found your document, right?

Yeah, but did she have to put it on
every bulletin board in the entire

building?

Well, I guess she thought my dog Sparky
was worth sharing.

He gave something from the heart, Mac.
That's nothing to be ashamed of.

Have you read it?

It's good. Damn good.

All the makings of a classic. A boy, his
dog.

Margins who?

Now, everybody in the courthouse knows.

Oh, don't worry about that, Matt. With
all the garbage up on these bulletin

boards, you'd have to live a pretty
empty life to pay them any notice.

Of course.

but his butt is numb as mine?

Seriously, though, with all due respect
to the women's movement, are these

contestants hot-looking broads or what,
huh?

All right, all right.

All right, what do you say we take a
five-minute break, hit the can, recycle

that beer, huh?

Oh, but hurry back. We got the foxy
boxing competition coming up, so hang in

for that.

The what?

Foxy boxing. You know, three rounds of
jiggle and jab.

That's it.

I'm out of here.

Hey, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

I put up with your sexist jokes. I sung
your stupid song. But if you think I'm

going to get up there and duke it out in
front of a bunch of gassed up yahoos,

you're grazing in the wrong meadow.

You've got something against good, clean
fun. Then why are you here in the first

place? Because I was guilted into it. I
didn't want to be here, but I felt sorry

for somebody.

Art, I didn't mean for it to come out
that way. I'm sorry.

What I meant to say was... Look,
Christine, I gotta go.

I think I got a bad piece of
langoustino.

So why don't you catch a cab home, all
right?

Art, wait!

Boy, you outdid yourself tonight, Art.

Smooth move, X-Rox.

What could I have been thinking about?

I should have just taken Mom.

But no, I'd take Christine and give her
a night of living hell.

That's not true, Art.

Christine, what are you doing here at
this hour?

I was just about to ask you the same
thing.

Uh, well, uh, yeah, I hired this new kid
to help me with the buffing, and I just

wanted to make sure there weren't any
dull spots.

Art, these floors are so shiny, a person
can see them.

The floors are definitely shiny.

Why don't you go home, Art?

I'm all wound up. This helps calm me
down.

Some people bowl, some people buff.

Watch your feet.

Art.

I'm very sorry about what happened
tonight.

Oh, what, that? Forget about it.

Hey, look, why would a classy lady like
you want to be seen with a toilet monkey

like me?

Why do you keep running yourself into
the ground? I happen to think you have

some very nice qualities.

Really?

Like what?

What do you want, examples?

Well, like the first thing that leaks
into your mind.

Okay, all right, fine.

For example, you are... You're
considerate.

Other custodians would just go barging
into the ladies' restroom without a

warning, but not you.

You're right.

I always shout, coming in!

You know what else is good about you?

Offhand, no.

You're not superficial or crude or
totally insincere like those other

buffalo I met tonight.

You are a better person.

Yeah, well, you've never seen my bad
side.

Yes, I have, Art.

Believe me, I have.

So what you're telling me...

Is that under the right circumstances?

A girl like you could fall for a guy
like me?

Art, you are a very nice man.

And you're one in a million.

Believe me, I'd always treat you right.

You would never, ever want for anything.

Oh, you know what?

I got a confession I got to tell you. I
laid you on.

All those nice things I said, huh? All
those pretty things I said? It was just

to make you feel better, that's all.

If the truth are to be known, you're not
even my type.

So what do you say we end it right now?

Before somebody's heart gets broken.

sexual harassment file?

It's my papers.

My dog, Sparky, is everywhere.

It's a juggernaut, Mac. You can't stop
it.

I found him. Girls, this is Mr.

Robinson.

Can we help you, ladies?

Oh, we just wanted to tell Mr. Robinson
how much we loved his story.

I especially like that part where after
Sparky ran away, you found his tattered

little chew toy.

Oh, well, it's okay. I got over it
pretty fast.

Oh, Mr. Robinson, we understand the pain
you're still feeling.

Oh, no, you don't.

That's why everybody in the secretarial
pool chipped in to buy you this little

present. Lily?

Goat up a...

No, not another word. That look on your
face is thanks enough.

Come on, girls.

Mac, big guy, you did it. You brought
out something beautiful in people by

sharing a part of your life.

Harry, I made the whole damn story up.

What?

You never had a dog named Sparky? Oh,
hell no!

I'm allergic to dogs.

Hey,

you gotta take him, Harry. Oh, no, no,
Mac. No, no.

I live in an apartment.

House rules. No dogs, no cats, no talk
show hosts.

Well, I gotta give you up, so don't look
at me with those big brown eyes.

Oh, he looked at me, Harry.

So, Miss Sullivan, how was your evening
with Art?

Late. Oh?

Yeah. We talked, and then he buffed all
night.

Art? Buffed all night?

The floor.

He buffed the floor.

Honestly. Ah. So, did you two get along
all right?

Actually, he was the best thing about
the evening.

And say what you will, that man knows
his wax.

before somebody gets hurt.

Hey, guys, what's new?