Original subtitles

I'm telling you, boss, this was your best campaign appearance yet.

Yeah, great.

How many American Indian voters are there in my district? Three?

Every vote counts, Dan, and we only have two days until the election.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do I want to win an election if I have to demean ethnic

minorities and publicly humiliate myself? Do I want to sacrifice my

dignity for a lousy seat in the state assembly?

Of course I do. What am I saying?

There must be some mistake.

Would you check again, please?

My name is Harry Stode.

No, not Stode.

Stone.

Yes, I'll hold.

Well, how's your flu doing, sir? Are you feeling any better?

But...

Better.

Oh, yeah, that flim is loosening up nicely.

But I have a standing order for every Bell Torbay concert.

I want my seats.

Yeah, you too, buddy.

I can't believe it, Mac.

I'm going to miss seeing my main band, Bell.

Oh, come on, sir.

You probably wouldn't enjoy the concert anyway. I mean, you look like something

real mean dogs got a hold of.

Oh, sure, I do now. But I've got 48 hours to get better.

After all, back, we're talking about Bell Torbay.

Okay, come on. His office is just down here.

Yes, I remember it well.

Oh, yeah, things did get a tad unpleasant for you last time you were

here, didn't they?

Yeah, well, let me ask you a question. Did you ever spend a whole evening in

handcuffs?

No, just keeping the bedroom lights on is kinky enough.

Anyway, I can't wait to see his face when you walk in here.

Come in.

Uh, sir?

I think I know someone who has a pair of Mel Torme tickets they'd be willing to

part with. You do?

Who?

Me. Surprise!

There you go, Your Honor, with my compliments.

I'll just have these dry clean.

Miss LaCava, have you ever heard the old saying, you can't buy happiness?

Well, it turns out you can't sell it either.

We'll make that $49.95 and time served.

And let's treat ourselves to a tent here, folks.

Yes, sir, I'd like to remind everybody that today is the big day.

Yeah, but if you don't already have your Mel Torme tickets, you might as well

forget about it.

You're talking about the runoff election?

Oh, yeah, that too.

Hey, good luck to you, Dan.

Thank you, mi amigo grande.

And I want to let you know I didn't vote for you just because you're a friend of

mine. Thank you.

In fact, I didn't vote for you at all.

We voted for Joan Hopson, the Wicked Witch of the West Side.

I hope you don't think any less of me.

Paul, that isn't possible.

What a guy.

Oh, Ross.

You look sensational.

I love that new little poofy thing you're doing with your hair.

How do you do that?

I smash beer cans on my head.

Well, Dan, it's up to the voters now.

I've done all I can possibly do for you.

Is that so? I don't recall you helping raise campaign funds by selling any of

your organs.

That's not quite true. Oh, yeah, big deal. One spleen.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, my gosh, you're... You!

Yeah, I get that a lot.

Joan Hobson, candidate for state assembly.

I knew that.

I'm Christine Sullivan. I work with Dan Fielding.

You have my sympathies.

Oh, actually, Dad isn't that bad.

Yes, he is.

But then, of course, you know that. Well, as a matter of fact, he keeps

refusing to debate me, so I've never actually met him.

Let this be my treat.

Oh, Dan, there's a lady here that would like to meet you.

Never laid a finger on her. I wasn't even there.

Dan Fielding, meet Joan Hobson.

What?

Hi.

You're not nearly as... repulsive as you look at your campaign poster.

You know, it's funny you should say that, Dan, because in person, your hair

doesn't look that much like attic insulation.

You're too kind.

You know what? I think if the citizens cast their ballots strictly on the

candidate's physical attractiveness, well, it's going to be real close again.

Well, if you'll excuse me, something's come up.

My lunch.

Can I buy you a cup of coffee or something?

No, thanks. I've got to run. I just stopped by because my polling place is

downstairs.

I suppose you voted for yourself.

I thought it best.

Excuse me, Miss Hobson.

Jack Brennan with the Daily Journal. Yeah, Jack. What can I do for you? I'd

like a comment on your opponent's remark that you have, quote, the intellect of

an earthworm.

Did you say that?

I don't recall.

Thomas Hobson has the intellect of an earthworm.

You take it out of context. Sure, it sounds uncomplimentary.

I'll go with no comment, Jack. The campaign is over. Let's let the voters

decide between us. Yes, and may the best man win.

Even if the best man is me, Dan?

Trust me, you'd make a really weird-looking man.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Uh, listen.

I never said so publicly, but I really admired your stand on the deficit

reduction, and I like what you said about sewage treatment, and you really

smell great, too.

We're on Earthworm?

Oh, that was just, you know, campaign rhetoric.

Oh, yeah.

You sure you want to stay for coffee, fish sticks? I'll buy.

Maybe some other time.

Listen, before you go, let me just say that I'm glad I met you now, because if

I'd met you before, I couldn't have possibly said all those horrible things

about you.

I'll take cream, no sugar.

The polls have just closed in the fielding hops and runoff election, so

stay with us throughout the evening for up-to-the-minute reports.

If by some chance Dan wins, anybody going to his victory party?

Heck, yes.

In fact, he even asked me to bring something.

What's that?

Liquor for 300.

Spencer, we better get going. The concert starts in 18 minutes.

Oh, no, it doesn't.

Tonight's concert's been canceled.

Mel, what happened?

You happened.

You, you gave me all your germs, and they made it inside me.

Gosh, Mel, I'm sorry, but if you feel that bad, you ought to be home in bed.

What? And missed a chance to give them all back to you?

be okay no thanks to you there are corpses in better health than i am well

if you'll all excuse me yeah

right then you better call dan and tell her we're gonna be late i wouldn't

bother he's probably so tense right now he's ready to explode

Oh, baby.

Call me a tool of the special interests again.

I think he's awake.

How's he doing, Doc? Well, he definitely has a nasty... strain of influenza.

He shouldn't be moving around right away.

Would it be a problem if he stayed here to rest for an hour or so? Yes.

Just keep him as comfortable as possible.

Give him lots of liquids and one other thing. Would you mind signing this for

my little boy?

Doctor, he's a very sick man.

Well, if it's too much trouble. No, no, no. It's okay. I'll sign.

What's your son's name?

Oh, just put down to my pal.

Dr. Leonard Friedman.

By the way, uh, would you manage to get the hospital gurney? From the morgue.

Don't worry.

I sponged it off first.

Hey, nothing's too good for Mel Torme.

Mel Torme?

I thought you were Dick Van Patten.

We can do for him? No, no, no, no. This thing just has to run its course.

But bear in mind, he is highly contagious.

So no deep kisses, even if you beg.

Uh, listen, I... I gotta get out of here. I just... Mel, Mel, Mel, Mel, come

on, come on.

You heard what the doctor said. You gotta stick around here for an hour or

so. Hey, turn up the TV. They got more election news.

far, the early returns indicate that the runoff between Hobson and Fielding for

that vacant state assembly seat may go down to the wire once again.

Joan Hobson, although a relative political novice, has proven herself to

be a young woman of extraordinary ability.

You don't know the half of it, Toots.

You're not so bad yourself, big boy.

You know what I don't get, Joan?

What?

No.

I mean, how many months have we been at each other's throats and here we wind up

in each other's arms?

Well, you know what they say.

Politics makes deranged bedfellows.

Should be the hell out of shaking hands with a bunch of sweaty factory workers,

don't you think?

Dan, I hope you know I don't do this all the time.

I mean, hop into bed with someone.

Okay, neither do I.

Not this particular bed, anyway.

I don't know, I guess it must have been your stand-on toxic waste that swept me

off my feet.

Actually, you have no idea how rare it is to find a woman who can be this

passionate and comprehend complete sentences.

That is absolutely untrue, Fielding. There are millions of us.

Yeah, okay.

I guess the rarity is to find one with me.

Well, maybe you shouldn't work so hard at keeping people from getting close.

You know, the thing is that this is just so different.

I mean, I never thought I could feel this way about anyone.

Except myself.

Gee, that's flattering.

No, no, no.

What I'm trying to say is...

I don't know what I'm trying to say.

But you're wonderful.

It's getting late.

So? So, we each have a party to attend.

Not like this, you don't.

Come on, Dan, we really should get up.

Yeah, or... Or what?

Or we could just stay here and hold each other a while longer.

Dan, I...

Okay,

Mel, the doctor said you had to drink lots of fluids.

Which ones are gonna be?

Please, will you let me out of here? This is humiliating. Mel, you heard the

doctor. Now we can stay here all night if we have to.

The fruity cooler.

One fruity cooler it is.

back while I pay for it.

Excuse me, celebrity gurney coming through.

Please, no staring.

Just act as though this is not Mr.

Mel Tomei.

Over the river, through the woods, to grandmother's house we go.

Take it, Mel.

Okay.

Let me just get this door.

gonna be a tough spare.

And as we've noted, Joan Hobson seems to be slowly but surely pulling away from

Dan Fielding.

Poor Dan.

All those months of back slapping and boot licking and what does it all mean?

That the system works.

Even so, I feel kind of sorry for Dan.

Yeah, I bet he's pretty sore right now.

your screen, you can see the latest numbers we have in the assembly runoff,

showing Hobson well in the lead.

Sweetheart, you're kicking my brains in.

Is it over?

Hey, you know, like Yogi says, it ain't over till it's over.

It's over.

Our computer projection has declared Joan Hobson the winner by a probable

margin of 1,800 votes. Now this is in contrast to... Well...

Let me be the first to congratulate you on your victory.

Thank you.

You deserve it, Joan. You'll make a terrific assemblyman, person, thing.

I don't know what to say except... That's it. The reserved approach

is good.

Nice going, lady.

Thanks.

Boy, here it is, one of the happiest moments of my life, and yet...

I can't help but feel sad that things didn't work out for you.

Hey, you know what they say.

Que sera, sera.

Which I think is Spanish for, I have a stab wound in my gut.

Dan, this is a really lousy thing to have to bring up at this particular

moment, but I really gotta go.

There's a room full of people waiting downstairs for me to give my victory

speech. Oh, that's right. Rub it in.

Please.

Some other time. Yeah.

Okay, how about tomorrow night? My place for dinner. I'll cook up a big batch of

humble pie.

I'm leaving for Albany tomorrow.

What? Remember, the legislature's already in session.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

So, um... What do we do?

About...

I don't know. I didn't expect this to happen.

Oh, me neither.

I know.

Why don't you quit your job and move to Albany with me?

Yes. In the mornings I can pack you lunch and have coffee with the wives.

Jan, would you be serious?

I am serious.

Well, did it ever occur to you that they may need experienced prosecutors up

there? Listen, Joan, if I'd have been elected then, sure, I could maybe make

the move. But if I'm going to stay a prosecutor, I've got to do it here in

Manhattan. I've got 12 years of seniority, tons of connections.

I just got new business cards.

My whole life is here.

Then what do you suggest?

I don't know.

All I do know is... I don't want to stop seeing

you.

I know the feeling.

And I really do have to get down there.

Bye, Dan.

I don't think that I can promise to be faithful.

Nobody's asking you to.

Not yet, anyway.

Would you keep something for me?

What is it?

It is my old Girl Scout compass.

I carry it around for good luck.

Seems to work for you.

Well, you know, the thing about a compass is it won't tell you where you

are, but it can tell you where you're going.

So remember, points north, in case you ever want to find Albany.

Well, yeah, yeah, Doc. Uh-huh. Yeah, we've been trying that, but Mel doesn't

seem to be able to keep much down.

Huh?

Suppository?

Okay, that's it!

I'm out of here! No, Mel, you can't! Yes, I can!

Let me go!

Stop it, you two!

Now, the doctor said you had to lie down. Now, come on! Will you get your

hands off me?

I'm sure your newspaper won't mind if you just use one shot.

And I know the judge would love having a keepsake of himself with his idol.

Say cheese!

I guess asking you to autograph it is out of the question, huh?

God, Phil!

What are you doing?

Come on, now!

Back off!

I'm not afraid to use this.

Mel, give me the armadillo.

Don't come one step closer.

Oh, gosh, Mel.

I was hoping we could be buddies, you and me.

Okay, okay, okay.

We can be buddies.

Oh, great.

If you sign a court order stipulating that you'll never come anywhere near me

again.

Well, gee, Mel.

That doesn't sound like much of a friendship.

Agreed.

Agreed. Oh, sure, Mr. Tough Guy, when he's packing an armadillo.

Stand back.

Stand back!

women and children out there.

Oh, Mal.

I just came by to tell everybody that the victory party is off.

Oh, Dan, I'm so sorry.

I know how much the election meant to you.

There'll be other elections.

Maybe next time I'll even get you to vote for me.

That depends.

You think you'll be facing Joan Hobson again?

I certainly hope so.

night, Christine.

Good night, Dad.

Oh, Daddy, hi.

Listen, I was sorry to hear about how the vote thing turned out, but I think I

could take your mind off of it with a little peel and squeal at my place.

Not tonight.