Original subtitles

Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.

Relax, Bull.

Harry's late getting back from that conference.

Darn. I could have stayed longer at my boys' club basketball practice.

Bull, I didn't know you coached the basketball team.

I'm not the coach.

I'm the basket.

See?

Oh, look at those cute kids.

You don't realize what good shooters they are until they've bounced a couple

of three-pointers off your skull.

Bull, maybe I missed the nuances of the game, but isn't there usually a

backboard? Oh, they can't afford one.

In fact, unless they come up with $7,000, they're losing the club.

Well, hey, Bill, let me start you out with $20.

Yeah, hey, I'll have two.

Gee, thanks, guys.

What?

Come on, Dan, you can't say no to these cute little dribblers.

All right, all right, all right.

Gee, Dan, thanks.

Now I can buy a new pee for the whistle.

Judge Stone's office.

Yeah, Harry, where are you?

I'm still in Buffalo, Mac. I missed my flight.

Oh, got tied up at the conference, huh?

No, it wasn't that.

See, the snowshaker that I got at the gift shop was leaking, so I got off the

plane to exchange it.

Uh-huh.

Anyway, I gotta run back. I gotta fly to LaGuardia in ten minutes.

Yeah.

All right.

Okay, bye-bye.

Harry won't be in until after lunch, but he called the presiding judge's office

and they're sending over Judge Wilbur.

Wilbur? She's still alive?

She's not that old.

I know that. I just figured somebody would have killed her by now.

Does the city pay you people to sit on your cans?

Judge Wilbur, what a pleasure to see your face again.

Suff it, Fielding. You bet. I just finished one shift, and I'm not too

thrilled about doing another.

Well, we move pretty quickly. It won't be too bad. Oh, yeah?

Ever spend 20 hours in a girdle?

Yes.

Let's get the ground rules straight.

I run my court differently than that yo-yo stone.

I don't do card tricks, I don't have dribble glasses, and I hate fun.

Now let's go hang somewhere.

Coffee coming up.

You know, this is your third pot. Maybe you should cut back a little.

What are you saying?

It'll make me irritable?

Oh, mercy, no. Why would I think that?

What'd you do with this coffee, Mac?

Run it through a hamster?

No, ma'am.

Maybe next time.

Thanks very much, folks. We're getting closer to our goal.

The last half hour we've collected... 90 cents.

And a set of uppers.

Carl Stimple and Van Doren. For the last time, I am a gecko.

Wrong, wrong. I am a snake.

What's with the reptile?

Well, Your Honor, the critters in question were contestants on the What Am

I? game show when they attacked the show's host, Mr. Chuck Fleck.

Your Honor, my clients feel they lost unfairly. They both claim they had the

correct answer to the question.

What question?

The bonus question!

And here it is.

I am two feet long, and I escape my attackers by expelling my organs.

What am I?

My ex-husband.

The answer is obviously I am a gecko. The answer is I am a snake.

Actually, it's a sea cucumber.

That's right!

Are you sure?

Oh, yeah.

Whatever the sea cucumber.

or beshtemer, is threatened, it diverts the attacker by disemboweling itself and

expelling its own organs into the water.

And they make girls wear bathing caps.

Court finds this all fascinating.

It also finds you both guilty.

$200 fine.

Mr. Shannon, I think you'd make a wonderful contestant on What Am I?

A contestant?

Oh, no, I can't. I'm sorry.

Oh, come on, Bull. You'd be great. You're a storehouse of useless

information.

Thanks, Christine.

But I can't.

I don't get it. I thought he'd jump at the chance.

Who'd jump at the chance of making a jackass of himself on television?

Well, the winner gets to take home over $10,000.

What time does the jackass have to be then?

We're on live at 8 o'clock.

Are you sure he'll show? Yes, yes, he'll show. Now, excuse us. We have to get

ready. See you tomorrow.

Okay. Love your cats.

Well, look, this game show thing, you can do it. Trust me.

Oh, really?

I'm not interested.

I make enough money to live on. What about all those underprivileged lads who

are going to lose their gym?

Well, yeah.

If I won, I guess I could give them all the money. Exactly.

Minus my 30% guidance fee.

Well, I'd love to help those kids, but I'm no good at high-pressure situations.

No, Bull, listen to me. It's not a high-pressure situation. It's a friendly

game.

Oh, sure, at first.

Then when you hit the bonus round and the pressure mounts with that clock

ticking away like thunderbolts in your brain, tick, tock, tick.

Listen, I guarantee you, not only can you appear on that game show, but you

can do so amazingly stress-free.

Would this involve a lug wrench to the base of the skull?

No. Hypnosis.

A little skill I picked up at a power persuasion seminar I attended. I'm

always looking for ways to maximize my leadership potential.

You wouldn't also be using this to pick up women, would you?

Well, it's cheaper than tranquilizer darts.

Makes sense. No conscious woman would go out with you.

Okay, Dan, let's see some of this hocus-pocus. Go ahead. All right, all

right. But look, it's a very sophisticated procedure. Sometimes it

takes... 15, 20 minutes to get a subject under. First, you fixate the subject on

an object like this pen.

Then...

Okay,

Dan, what do you usually do now?

Put out the lights and turn on Sinatra.

Put him over here!

Well, congratulations, Dan. You got yourself a two-ton paperweight.

Well, he can't go on the game show like that. I know that.

Just be patient. I was going to plant that post-hypnotic suggestion as soon as

I figure out how to do it. Give me this, Dan. Would you please? It's my book!

I will find it.

Ah, here you go.

Suggestibility while in a hypnotic trance. I knew I had it. Dan, you better

move it before Judge Wilbur gets back and snaps your little head off.

Judge Wilbur.

I wish somebody would twist that old bag's head off.

Or better yet, stuff her down the mail chute.

Hello.

This better be important or you'll fry.

Oh, you little twerp. Where the hell are you?

I'm still in Buffalo, and I have a pretty damn good reason why, too.

Yeah? Why?

I got my tie caught in the escalator.

Come on.

No, it's true. See, my hat fell off, and so I bent over to get it, and that's

when I got tangled up. And then while I was getting untangled, somebody swiped

my flight bag, which had my ticket, not to mention a new pack of hot pepper gum,

so I missed my plane.

I'm tired of covering for you, so get your tail back here.

Pronto.

Obviously, it's very susceptible to suggestion.

Oh, my dear Lord in heaven.

Special.

Delivery.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Dan didn't mean it when he said to stuff Judge Wilbur in the mail chute.

Oh, Fielding.

I am going to get to hang somebody.

It says here a loud noise could wake him up.

Hi, guy.

It's a judge, bud, isn't it?

You would not have believed it,

Harry.

Was she mad?

Picture what would happen if somebody gave Darth Vader a noogie.

Well, if Dan survives his prison stay, I'll see what I can do for him when I

get back.

Yeah, hopefully tonight.

I've hitched a ride with a trucker.

Come on, bean butt.

Let's roll.

Could I have a minute here, please?

Nope. But you can use the phone in the truck.

You got a phone in the truck?

Do now.

What are you in here for?

Um, contempt of court.

You guys?

Oh, we're just in for a little terror and mayhem spree between here and South

Carolina. Eight robberies, six stolen cars, four kidnappings, and three mini

-marts burned to the ground.

We littered, too, but they never got us on that one.

I loved you guys in Deliverance.

Hey, Dan, how's it going?

Oh, not bad.

Oh, I don't think you've met my roomies, Cary Grant, Prince Charles.

All right, so is Wilbur going to let me out of here or what? Yeah, when Jerry

Falwell goes heavy metal.

Dan, we need the hypnosis book. There's only an hour before Bull has to be at

the game show. Here.

Come on now, guys, let's just forget about the game show. I'm too nervous to

think. Paul, do you realize what's riding on this?

Yeah, I know. The kid's gymnasium. The kid, the kid, the kid.

What about my 30%?

Okay, okay, here we go.

Planting the post-hypnotic suggestion.

Okay, fixate the subject on a focal point.

Really, guys? I'm too nervous.

All right, Chris, you hurry now. What's next?

Okay, I see. A trigger such as a key phrase will free the subject from his

inhibitions.

All right, Paul, you'll be completely relaxed and confident when you hear

these words.

I want to be your love slave.

Hey, what happened?

I feel great.

Oh, real good, Dan. You just planted an obscene trigger phrase.

It's the only kind I know.

Paul, I think you're going to be just fine.

Yeah. This might not be so bad after all. Shannon, you're on the air in two

minutes. I gotta go home.

Bull, stop.

You're not going to be nervous because I want to be your love slave.

Say, that is good news.

No, Bull, you don't understand.

I want to be your love slave.

Christine, you're making my brain sweat.

Why is this working? I don't understand it.

Well, in the first place, I'm a bailiff and you're a public defender.

Mr. Shannon, you're on.

And now, it's

time to play America's favorite game show.

I'm Jeffrey Zane, and I'm a computer programmer from Enid, Oklahoma.

I'm Catherine Schuster. I'm a schoolteacher from St. Petersburg,

Florida.

I'm Bull Shannon, and I think I'm gonna vomit.

Well, if you reach me, that's an extra hundred dollars.

Then we get to our first question, all right?

Players, hands above buzzers.

I am a female of the porcine or bovine persuasion.

What am I?

I am a sow.

Yes, you are, for $200.

I like this show.

Hey, you really know that guy there?

Yes, yes.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are we bothering you, Mr. Big Shot? I know somebody on TV.

I am soft and squishy, so I can be smeared into cracks and holes.

What am I?

I am Spackle.

That's correct, Bullfuck. You forgot to buzz in.

Fantastic. I've hitched my wagon to a tree stump.

I am a compost heap.

You most certainly are.

And you know I am.

400. Jeffrey has 200.

And, Bull, you're in last place with zero.

Oh, something's wrong.

Why is he losing?

Because he's dumb as a donut, that's why.

Hello? Oh, yeah, hi, Christy. Yeah, we noticed he's not doing too good.

Uh-oh.

Christine tried the hypnotic suggestion on Bull, but it didn't work.

You don't suppose that the person who says the key phrase has to be the same

one who planted it?

Oh, no. And Dan's in jail. Oh, now we're really up the creek.

What are you doing in here?

Christine, I gotta go.

Why is my bailiff on a game show?

You see, this boys' club's gonna close down.

And Bull's been helping out by being their basket, but they're out of money.

And Bull could win.

But it doesn't work to have Christine say, I want to be your love slave.

That's why we need to get Dan out of jail.

Pour me one of whatever you're having.

Jeffrey! I am a titmouth.

Oh, no, you aren't. Anyone else?

I am earwax.

Hey, that's another $500.

Dan, what are you doing out of jail?

Wilbur said if I could help the kid, she'd let me out. What's he doing?

Well, he's doing all right. He's making a comeback.

As soon as he started breathing again, he started doing okay.

All right, Bull, come on. Danny needs a new pair of chaps.

I am a sebaceous cyst.

Yes, you are.

You now have $3,700.

That means only 30 seconds remain in regulation play, and each question is

now worth $1,000.

Players, I am a hermaphrodite, and when I mate, I leap from a tree, swinging

from 7 to 24 hours on a rope made from my own mucus.

What am I?

I am a great, great slug. Yes, you are!

I am three inches long and weigh less than a dime.

I am an Etruscan shrew.

Amazing!

Next question.

I live in warm.

I am a dust mite.

Yes!

$6,700.

Only seconds left.

I am zirconium.

Yes, you are!

That's the end of regulation play.

Catherine, you're still first with $8,300.

Jeffrey, you're just behind with $7,900.

And Bull has $7,700.

This game is up for grabs. Who is going to win?

Find out when we play Super What Am I right after this commercial.

Clear?

All right, Bull baby, come on, bring it home to Denny.

Hi, guys. This is great. I was afraid they were going to have a clock.

I better do something.

Bull. Sir.

You can't talk to the contestant. No, it's an emergency. I can't let anybody

on stage.

Bull, bull, bull. I want to be... All right, we're back.

And now for the super what am I bonus question worth $2,000.

Here it is.

I am colorless and initially odorless, but if I do not soon evaporate, bacteria

makes me offend the olfactory senses.

What am I?

Jeffrey! I am pond scum.

Strangely appropriate, but not correct.

Catherine! I am lighter fluid.

Sorry, Catherine, that's not correct.

But you can still win if Bull fails to answer correctly before time runs out.

commercial's over. No, no, Dad, he already... Oh, I want to be your love

slave.

Sir, Mr. Shannon just won, and we're on the air live.

is to say?

Well, I have pieced it together and it seems I was kidnapped and drugged by

Soviet agents.

Well, looks like I pulled another one out of the fire, huh?

Hello.

Harry, where are you now?

I'm about 50 miles outside Buffalo, Mac.

We had some engine... trouble. This could take a couple of hours.

Oh, we could be here all night.

Sweet cakes.

Holy moly.

Is that really a tattoo of Manny, Moe, and Jack?

Help! Matt!

Help!

Looks like Harry's not going to make it back in time for the next session.

And I guess you haven't seen the last of us.

I know you people think I don't like you.

Well, you're wrong.

I loathe you.

And you have my word that for every minute you spend in my courtroom,

I'm going to give you a full 60 seconds of excruciating torture.

And they say I don't know how to have a good time.

I realize that you've been working around the clock, and I would think that

you must be getting awfully tired.

The fences are down, and you're becoming more and more suggestible.

Good.

Now, you're going to begin being nice to everyone here, especially me,

starting right now.

You're a very sweet guy Dan.