All language subtitles for S06E09 - The Night Court before Christmas

So, sir, have you decided where you're
going for the holidays?

Oh, yeah. I'm going skiing in Vermont.

It's gonna be fun.

I could save you a lot of money, sir.
Just dump some ice down your pants and

hurl yourself into a tree.

I know a girl who'll do it for you for
only 40 bucks, too.

Isn't that suit a tad on the small side
for you?

It's the only one they had left. For
some reason, they had a big rush on

Santa suits.

No! On Christmas Eve?

So, Paul, how's the toy drive going?

Great. Everyone I've approached has been
real generous.

Toys for toddlers!

Christmas really brings out the best in
people.

Are you laughing at me, Dan?

Yes, I am laughing at you. Men have died
laughing at less.

Pick a body cavity, Dan.

So, you're off to distribute the toys,
huh, Ross?

Yes, sir. We'll be back before session
starts.

I'll await your answer.

Ah, well... If you'll excuse me, lots of
office parties. I don't want to miss

them. Getting into the holiday spirit,
are we? Yes, sir. Why not? I mean,

Christmas is the time for celebration,
fellowship.

Besides, you know, tests show that at
Christmas, women are sexually more

receptive than at any other time of the
year.

Speaking of the spirit of giving, I
figured that the lunch break would be a

good time for us to swap our gifts. Is
that okay with you guys? Yeah, that's

fine, yeah.

Gifts?

Yeah, remember, we drew lots. You and
Roz are exchanging gifts.

Oh, you mean Christmas gifts.

Oh, yes, it's a great time. Oh, you know
what? She is going to love what I got

her. See you later.

You gift wrap.

And he's off!

Rocketing down the hill on an incredible
stage! Here comes a tree!

Whoa! And another one! Whoa!

He glides around and head over the skis
of a lady from Schenectady!

Sorry, ma'am.

Buddy! Hi, Harry. If you're in
mid-hallucination, I can come back

later.

Come on in, buddy.

What the hell are you doing here?

Well, they gave us time off to spend
Christmas with our families.

So, here I am.

You don't have any other plans, do you?

Well,

I... Sir, we... Oh, hey, buddy.

Hi, buddy.

Hi, Mac.

Christine. So, you've been released from
the mental institution?

No, I'm just on a path.

I had a little setback last spring.

The Mr.

Potato Head incident.

But, uh, I'm feeling much better now.

Well, it sure is good to see you again,
buddy.

Oh, same here. Love what you've done
with the eyebrows.

Thank you.

Uh, sir, I hate to interrupt your
stepfather's visit, but we better start

the session if you want to make that ski
trip of yours.

Oh, wait a minute.

You do have plans.

You were going skiing, weren't you?

Yep. Hey, no problem. I'll be fine. I'll
go out with my friend Nick.

Nick, is he also from the hospital?

Yeah, real fun guy.

Last month he organized the lunch meat
craft fair and picked up a nice set of

pastrami candlesticks.

Well, buddy, I certainly hope you'll be
able to stick around for our party on

lunch break.

Great.

Oh, we'll have a blast, Harry.

We'll do Christmas Eve just the way your
mom liked, with lots of fruitcake and

fish sticks.

I mean, Christmas up the whole place.
Nobody, don't go to any bother. I mean

that. Hey, no problem.

All I need is some tinsel and a few
holly wreaths and, oh, plenty of

broccoli.

It has more fiber than poinsettia.

Sir, Roz and I are finished with the toy
giveaway.

Hey, big guy, how did it go with the
kids?

Oh, it was great. You should have seen
their cute little eyes light up.

Some of them even thought I was actually
Santa Claus.

I hope the real Santa doesn't mind.

Better put out an extra plate of cookies
just in case.

Thanks again for coming, Danny.

You really know how to make the season
bright.

We just come from an ornament hanging
party down in Steno.

You've been hanging them. Why aren't
they still on the tree?

The tree?

Yeah, what else are you going to hang
them on?

Excuse me while I go wash up.

Okay, Mac Frost, what's next?

A holiday treat, sir. People versus the
merry carolers.

Yeah, well, next time it'll be silent
night for you, pal. You'll be sleeping

in heavenly peace.

The charge is assault.

Your Honor, my clients were attempting
to carol when the plaintiffs began

heckling them. Sir, witnesses state that
the plaintiffs merely declined to join

in a sing-along of Frosty the Snowman,
whereupon the Rambo Tabernacle Choir

threatened to, um...

grab their chestnuts and roast them on
an open fire.

Hey, we were just trying to pump a
little of the Christmas spirit into

them.

Lovely thought.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to find you
naughty instead of nice.

And I'm sorry, that's going to be one
day in jail.

Harry, I'm coming along great with your
Christmas tree, but I ran out of solder.

I'll be right back.

I'll call a recess if we hear a
chainsaw.

What's next?

A little grand theft, sir.

They should lock him in a festering hole
filled with maggots.

Prosecutor? Yes, sir. James McCracken,
owner of the Happy Tot Toy conglomerate.

And the object of his affection?

Mr. Volpe, sir. He and Mr. McCracken are
competitors.

He sells the toys he steals from a
Kraken's warehouse.

Hey, I cut out the middleman and sell
Factory Direct.

I caught him with 3,000 of the toys and
the truck they came in.

Okay, well, remand this one over to a
grand jury.

Hold that gavel, sir. We got a little
problem with the evidence.

What's the problem? We don't have it.

How the hell do you lose a truck and
3,000 toys?

He said the truck was parked out front.
Somebody drove it off.

What's that?

A big guy.

In a Santa suit with a shaved head.

That wouldn't by any chance have been a
big green truck with white sidewall

tires?

Bull, you put those toys in with the
donations for Toys for Toddlers?

No, sir, I... Well, yeah.

They were parked right by the drop-off
box, so I just assumed... You idiot!

Those toys are worth $30,000 and you
just gave them to a bunch of sniveling

rug rats?

So you're saying they weren't donated?

Well, where exactly are those toys now?

I don't remember.

You don't remember?

Well, there were a lot of stops and...
Wait a minute!

I know the first place had a bush in
front of it.

We'll just ask Roz.

Ask me what?

Roz, remember all those toys you just
distributed?

Uh-huh. Do you remember where you
delivered them?

Uh-huh. Well, it turns out they're
evidence. We have to get them back.

Uh-uh.

Judge, this is contempt!

Roz, I don't think you understand.

If you withhold those toys, that's
obstruction of justice.

You can go to jail.

I'm sorry, Your Honor, but I'm not going
to go back and look those deprived

little tykes in their eyes and snatch
their toys from them.

I'll do it.

her if she doesn't turn over the toys,
you'll put her in jail.

Mr. McCracken, this is my court, and I
will not have you telling me what I do

and say.

If you don't turn over the toys, I'm
going to put you in jail.

You got to do what you got to do.

I understand.

Very well.

I hereby find you in contempt, and
you're to be held over until you decide

to turn over the toys.

Terrible. Tell me about it. She picked
my name. Now I'm out of gifts.

I appreciate you wanting to decorate my
office, but... This was really, really

unnecessary.

Sir, I think I have a way to get Roz
out. Oh, my God! Is that a shark?

Oh, no!

It's a marlin.

A shark is a Thanksgiving fish.

Anyway,

sir, I filed a petition for Roz's
release.

On what grounds?

Personal safety.

As a bailiff and officer of the court,
she could be the object of revenge from

the other prisoners.

Uh, excuse me. You worried about a woman
who turned over a car because it was

parked in her space?

Well, this is her first offense.

Nice try, Counselor. No go.

Yeah. Gotta get over to filing.

Another party? Yeah. All the girls are
gonna be wearing gift wrapping with

little signs that say, Open Me First.

Sir, I want you to throw me in jail,
too.

And just why would I do that, Paul?

Because if I remember where the toys
were, I wouldn't tell you either.

But you don't remember.

But I might.

In fact, I might remember already
without even realizing it.

So, what do you say we open some
presents?

What the heck might take our minds off
things?

Great! Here you go!

I made these in my shop class at the
hospital.

Interesting wrapping.

Oh, sorry about that. They don't let us
use scissors.

Hey, this is great.

It's... It's... It's wood.

Right.

Don't tell me you already have some.

Oh, no.

Hi,

Roz. How are you holding up?

Oh, having a ball. We've been naming the
roaches after Santa's reindeer.

Oh, Roz, I have tried every defense I
can think of.

Temporary insanity, diminished capacity,
feline dependency.

Feline dependency?

You have to feed your cat.

Look, Roz, I hate to say this, but
you're going to have to give in

sometime. Might as well be now.

Look, Christine, when I was eight years
old, my father lost his job right before

Christmas.

I thought no way was I going to get any
presents this year.

Then the people from Toys for Toddlers
came.

They bought presents for me and all my
brothers and sisters.

Oh, that must have been a very special
present.

Nah, it stunk.

I got a puke green case full of crayons.

I didn't even like coloring books.

I sure as hell didn't need any damn
crayons.

But it was the only present I got.

So every night when I went to bed, I
took those crayons with me.

Those stupid, ugly crayons.

Because when you're a kid at Christmas
time, most of all, you just want

something under the tree with your name
on it.

You just squished Blitzen.

All rise.

Manhattan Criminal Court, part two,
resume session.

The Honorable Harold T.

Scrooge presides.

Ross, I know we're going to lick this
thing, but in the meantime, if there is

anything I can do for you, please tell
me.

You want to find somebody to sublet my
apartment?

Hi, Ross.

Hi, sir.

For a procedure, you've been called
before the court to divulge any

information pertinent to the case.

Come on, Ross, what do you say?

No way I'm telling that overstuffed toad
where his damn toys are.

Mr. McCracken, is there any chance you
might change your mind?

I'll change my mind when hell has frozen
over and the sun has turned to...

All right!

Well, since neither of you seems willing
to budge, I've got no choice but to

put Miss Russell back.

Wait!

Just for the record, I know none of
their mothers.

Ross. No, Nancy, get out of here.

Can we help you, Miss?

Nancy Garrett, I'm the director of the
Canal Street Youth Center.

They're the people from the toys for
Toddler's Drive.

Judge, when we heard what happened to
Roz, we had to come down.

We don't want Miss Russell to be in
jail.

None of us do.

With the possible exception of Mr.

McCracken.

Miss Russell always taught us to think
of others before yourself.

Put them over there.

Oh, Mr.

McCracken.

Yes, sir, you are perfectly within your
legal rights here, yes.

And might I add, on a personal note, I
have seen more

compassion in a pile of cow flop, buddy.

I find you ethically bankrupt, morally
reprehensible.

And if you had any idea who was saying
this to you, you would fully realize and

appreciate the value and quality of this
insult.

Well, thank you, sir.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

Okay, how do you get out kid slobber?

If you don't...

I would like to call a courier and have
him pick up the rest of my toys. Oh, be

my guest. Hey, but be careful. Don't get
caught in the cord and strangle

yourself.

Come on, children.

Let's go.

We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish
you a Merry Christmas. This is not

really the time for that.

Really?

Boy. Christmas seems to go quicker every
year.

No, buddy, it's still Christmas. It's
just... Never mind.

Well, that's all right, Harry. I'll come
back later.

This is James McCracken. Send a driver
to the Canal Street Youth Center.

Oh, McCracken. I almost forgot.

Here.

What's this?

Your Christmas present.

Present?

You can't fool me.

This is a ruse.

It is?

Well, if you already have a ruse, you
can exchange it.

Are you trying to tell me you don't know
what's in here?

No, my friend Nick made it.

Well, I don't know you or your friend.

What do you do? Just go around giving
away gifts to complete strangers?

We're funny that way.

just because it's the 25th of December.

Don't forget your paperwork.

Well, at least I didn't have to send you
back to jail, Rod.

I really hated that.

I know you did, sir.

And I'm very proud of what you did.

Joe!

Mr. McCracken.

Take the toys and give them to the kids
right now.

Well, we would be glad to do that. You
mind telling us what changed your mind?

This.

A yo-yo?

This is not just any yo-yo. This is a
1943 red top special.

Oh, now it makes perfect sense.

When I was six years old, I wanted one
of these more than anything else in the

whole world.

And your parents wouldn't buy you one?

Well, they didn't know I wanted one.

I only told one person.

Santa.

Isn't that amazing?

I mean, what are the odds that Buddy's
friend would pick out the exact same

gift that Mr. McCracken asked Santa for
so many years ago?

Hey, wait a minute.

Didn't Buddy say his friend's name was
Nick?

Yeah. As in St.

Nick?

Oh, please.

Come on, it's a coincidence, isn't it?

Buddy!

Hey, buddy.

Oh, hi.

Somebody want to help me finish hanging
the last of the broccoli?

Sure, buddy, but first we want to ask
you about your friend Nick.

Oh?

What about him? What's he like?

Oh, real fun guy.

Kind of jolly?

No, more on the whimsical side, I'd say.

Got a little weight problem, too.

I think he wears that long white beard
just to cover his double chin.

Why? These yabos thought that Nick might
be Santa Claus.

And you guys are on the outside, huh?

Well, we just thought.

Oh, we weren't serious.

Well, I gotta go.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Merry Christmas, buddy.

Harry, I'll see you Arbor Day.

Nick, Santa Claus.

That's hysterical.

Although it would explain his red
convertible.

What about his red convertible?

It flies.

I want to thank you again for my gift.

I've always wanted juggling balls.

You didn't already have a set, did you?
Oh, no, no. No, just these.

And the Indian clubs you gave me last
year.

And this is a really neat Prince Charles
and Lady Di time.

I just love the way they put Prince
Charles at the bottom to make room for

his ears.

I guess it's time for me to go. No, no,
you can't leave until you've had one

more cup of Uncle Harry's famous
Yuletide Grog.

No, no, I couldn't possibly, really. My
feet are still numb from my first class.

Want to share a cab?

I got some packing to do first.

So I guess I should escort you over to
the mistletoe and have a proper good

night, huh?

Well, it's not mistletoe, sir. It's, uh,
collard greens.

You're right.

So what's the tradition for standing
under collared greens?

I think it's a firm handshake, sir.

Only kidding.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Christmas.

Here's to you, buddy Ryan.

Hey, Harry!

Want a ride?

I'm covered.