Original subtitles

Please, sir, I'm begging you.

Anything but that.

Come on, boy, all I want to do is cut off your head.

I don't know what he's done, sir, but have you considered simply filing a

grievance?

I'm talking about a magic trick. You know, I'm doing that charity luncheon

show for the ladies' garden club in a couple of weeks, and I thought it would

be a nifty finale if I decapitated the bulldog.

You mean you're planning to entertain a bunch of old ladies by cutting off a

man's head?

Yep.

See a whole lot of blue hair standing on end.

You're going to get a kick out of it. And, Bull, don't worry. Your part is

easy. You don't have to do nothing.

Nothing?

Well, when you put it that way, it sounds like something I could handle.

That's my guy.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Dan Fielding.

So I have to married men in Manhattan?

Well, he's got a dentist appointment, but he should be back soon.

Is there something we can help you with?

Well, yes.

I'm George Watkins with the Sutton Place Club.

The Sutton Place? That's that exclusive uptown lawyer's club.

We're considering Dan for membership.

Well, I'll just wait till he shows up.

I assume the coffee's relatively safe here?

Nothing can live in it, if that's what you mean.

Can you believe it? Dan and the Sutton Place Club?

He cut off his right arm to be a member.

Or something else he has to, uh...

Rough time at the dentist?

Ah,

root

canal.

Don't you just hate those? I don't know what's worse, the needles full of

Novocaine, the grinding, the drilling, those little wires they jam up.

Well, cheer up, Dan. Fellow's here to see a name of George Watkins.

Don't worry, Dan. I'll call him for you.

Hey, mister.

Dan's here.

There you are, Fielding.

I finally had a free night. Thought I'd pop in to observe you in action.

One wad or two.

You know, Dan, it's not too late to call in a sub for tonight.

No way. I'm not wimping out.

Not with Watkins in the gallery.

This is all just a matter of attitude.

You got a big goober hanging from your chin.

people versus Papazian and Peterson.

Prosecution. Yes, sir. Mrs.

Papazian and Peterson were operating a popcorn pushcart on Park Avenue without

the proper permit.

It is the prosecution's position that the people must be protected from such

pernicious perpetrators.

How am I doing?

Fine. Nice, even spray.

Defense? We plead guilty, Your Honor. All right. $25 fine. We'll suspend the

sentence. And we'll reconvene in five minutes.

Weather permitting.

Uh, sir, about that magic trick. Mm-hmm? What if someone raises their hand to

volunteer before I do?

I'll pick you.

But what if that person really, really wants to do it?

I'll still pick you.

But what if I freeze up like a deer on the highway in the headlights of a semi

right before it becomes a furry pancake?

Just don't.

You know, it's amazing how he keeps that big bus running with nobody at the

wheel.

Excuse me, miss.

Sullivan. Christine Sullivan.

I really admired the way you handled yourself in that last case.

Oh, well, that's really nice of you to say, considering I lost the case and I

hardly said a word.

Not what you say, but rather how you carry yourself in court that speaks

volumes.

Oh, well, thank you.

You know Dan well.

Do you think he's set in place material?

Ah, well... I

can honestly say that I have never met anyone

like Dan.

He is...

truly

one of a kind.

Thank you for your candor, Christine.

It's been a pleasure.

For me, too.

Oh, George.

Almost forgot you were here.

Oh, may I say how much I like that suit?

Well, you should. It's the one you sent me.

You know, Fielding, bribes really aren't necessary.

Oh, bribes. I would hope that a man could give a gentleman a gift without

raising the ugly specter of bridegroom.

Yeah, that would be nice, yes. Oh, good. In that case, cufflinks?

No, thanks.

Listen, why don't you meet me later for a drink?

Oh, fantastic. Yes, I'll buy. Let me get that for you.

Why don't you bring Christine along?

Christine? Oh, George, trust me, I know she looks cute, but she's got all the

personality of a three-minute egg.

That's funny. I found it quite charming.

And yet beneath that eggy exterior, there's a gal who could churn the pants

off a bishop.

Shall we stay nine o'clock at the Savoy Grill?

Fantastic. We'll be there.

Great.

Counselor, how about joining me for a drink after work?

I'd rather run naked through a Teamsters meeting.

Now, Christine, I know we've had our disagreements in the past, but let's be

adult about this.

Please!

You've got to help me get in good with George.

George?

He's going to be there?

Yes. Listen, I promise, if you do this one statement for me, I'll never ask

anything of you again as long as you live.

Well, he's kind of cute.

Okay. You'll go?

Uh-huh.

Oh, fantastic!

Life is good.

Mr. Walton, believe me, I love free entertainment as much as the next guy,

but we have to draw the line at certain kinds of puppet shows.

try for another curtain call.

That's all, folks.

Oh, Miss Sullivan.

Oh, yes, sir. Look, I got a couple of extra tickets to the show tomorrow if

you want to come.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I've already made plans for tomorrow.

Oh, too bad.

Mac, good news. You can bring five friends.

Come on, Bull. Let's go practice our magic trick. Sir, I've been thinking

and... Oh, come on, Bull. I'm not going to cut your head off. Hell, I'll be

wearing my best suit.

Oh, you seeing George again tonight?

Uh-huh.

You've been seeing a lot of him these past two weeks.

Uh-huh.

So I guess you two are really hitting it off.

Uh-huh.

Say no more.

Peepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers?

Hey, Ross, check it out. She's been doing that all day.

She's in love.

Some girls sing, some girls hit the heavy bag.

Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut just now, just now. Christine,

Christine, I hate to interrupt the hootenanny, but... Did George get the

champagne I sent over last night?

Dan, wouldn't you prefer it if the club were to accept you on your own merits?

These are my merits.

So listen, has George said anything about me? Anything?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe he said you're an okay guy.

He thinks I'm okay?

Yes, there is a God.

Oh! Hiya, George. Hi, Fielding.

Christine.

Here. A perfect rose for a perfect lady.

Oh, George.

Perfect.

That's just the beginning.

How does dinner at the Royal Plaza sound?

Dinner at the Royal Plaza?

You two probably want to be alone.

I can't believe it. Dinner at the Royal Plaza? In the penthouse suite.

I guess I'm old enough.

Okay,

I'll get my coat and I'll be right back.

Very classy, that single rose.

But I wouldn't expect anything less from a man with such savoir-faire, so

debonair. You know what I'm wondering? Has the Nobel Prize Committee met yet

this year? Take it easy, Dan. You're in.

I am?

Yeah, in fact, I think we're both in.

We're in? We're in!

Wait a minute. You're already in.

Well, I meant something else. You see, every year, some of the guys in the

club, we play this kind of game.

Game. Yeah, you might call it a kind of a sexual scavenger hunt. Yow! Sounds

like fun.

Tonight, at the Royal Plaza, Christine is going to put me over the top. Oh,

but... Sorry. You lost me there. Uh-huh. Well, see, it's very simple.

Different women are worth different points.

Stewardesses are worth five. A U.N. translator is worth ten.

And a do-gooder public defender that'll ring the bell.

Ding, ding.

You know, I had Christine Pegg for a two-weeker, and I'm right on schedule.

Um, you know, George, I wouldn't be so sure. I mean, we are talking about a

woman who insists on a, you know, a blind gynecologist.

Don't worry, I know the type.

You know, all it takes is a little wine, a little dine, and that hokey single

rose trick.

Oh, I can't tell you how much the single rose touches me.

Shall we?

Your coach is waiting, milady.

Oh,

George, just a second.

Dan, I know as recently as yesterday I called you an old poophead, but I just

want to take it all back.

Please don't. No, really, really. If it weren't for you, none of this would be

happening.

Believe me, I know.

Ding, ding.

Ding,

ding. Thing of beauty, ain't you, Bo?

It looks so real.

Well, yeah, it's supposed to. It wouldn't be much of a trick if I

couldn't do this.

Don't go south on me now, big guy. That's just to impress the audience.

That should do it.

You know, Harry, I've never been real lucky with magic.

When I was a kid, I tried to make nickels disappear into that little

sliding box.

Oh, yeah, I started out with that same trick.

Yeah? Well, I lost $500 trying to get that right.

Come on, Bull.

I've done this guillotine trick a million times, and we've gone over it.

What could possibly go wrong?

You mean besides actually having my head severed from my body, leaving a bloody

stump with little gooey squiggly things hanging down?

Yeah, besides that.

Gee, nothing, I guess.

All right, I'm all yours.

That's absurd, Bull. Come on, just plop the old melon right down here.

Harry, you got a minute?

Oh, great. Look, Bull, we got an order. I think I may have a problem. You think

you have a problem?

Ah, feast your eyes upon the man in the guillotine.

You're going to make me watch this, aren't you? Uh-huh.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, this razor-sharp blade will drop through the

neck of my willing assistant without pain, without blood, without any damage

whatsoever. How, you may ask, is this possible?

Harry. With the protection of Dr.

Congo's magic powder, yes.

Dr. Congo's, blended from the berries of the East Indian mango bush, picked by

little tiny froggy boys. Oh, Harry, forget about the damn powder.

No! Harry, I need powder!

No! No!

Watch, if you dare, as the world of magic and the immutable laws of physics

collide head-on. The thrills, the chills.

One, two... Uh, sir, can I go to the bathroom?

Later, Bull.

Three!

Oh, my God, no!

My heart's in my throat. Now, could I have your attention?

Don't you get it, Dan? The trick has gone awry. I have accidentally cut the

man's head off.

Harry, I've got a real problem.

Okay. Bull, hang loose for a little while, will you? Sure.

is it, Dan? All right, first of all, it's not really my problem. You see, I

have a friend.

A friend? I had no idea.

This is serious.

Talking about a deep philosophical question here. Now, is it ever

permissible to compromise another person's welfare in order to get

something you really, really want?

No. Dan!

Dan, hold on.

Is there something specific you wanted to talk about?

No, Harry. I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and do what's right.

That's what being a man's all about.

Happy? Oh, who wouldn't be?

Carriage ride, fabulous dinner.

I don't know how you found a violinist that knows all of Barry Manilow's hits.

That wasn't easy.

Well, all I can say is if I were to describe the perfect evening, this would

be it.

And I can't think of a more perfect woman to spend it with.

like to check all the escape routes before entering a building for safety,

you know, fire.

Whoa! Here's a hazard.

We really appreciate your concern. Now, if you don't mind.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't mind at all, George. If just Christine and I

didn't have all this work to do.

What? What kind of stunt are you trying to pull? Um, it's a legal emergency.

The old Duransky case.

You came all the way down here for a jaywalking case?

Well, I mean, why not, Christine? I mean, if we can't go that extra mile for

the little guy, what the hell are we in the business for?

Look, why don't you take it up with her tomorrow, huh, Fielding? Come on.

All right, all right, all right. I'll tell you why I'm really here.

I was home watching the news.

And there was a story about a young lady whose very life depends upon a, um,

kidney transplant.

Now, as I was sitting there watching the story, trying to fight back the tears, I

thought to myself, who do I know that's got a great set of kidneys?

Come on, come on. The ambulance is waiting downstairs.

If I just give you a kidney, will you leave?

Okay, Fielding, joke's over. We've all had a good laugh.

Now, why don't you just leave us alone?

Oh.

All right, I'm saying, you know, me.

Listen, I want you guys just to go back to what you were doing. Forget that I

was even here, all right? Just... Oh!

Oh, my God. That is a nasty spill. Come on, we've got to get that out before

it's safe.

Come on, come on. Use cold water. And, Dad, don't rub.

Come on, I can have you home in 15 minutes. Hey, you know, the Boone

family's on Carson, and I think Debbie's going to sing.

If I want to hear Debbie Boone, I've got the album.

I know what this is.

You do?

Yeah. You're jealous.

What? Yeah, you've been hitting on me for years, and you can't stand to see me

with another man, especially a real gentleman. Christine, look, this is just

a game. It's a scavenger hunt. Fielding!

That's enough.

Um, I think it's time for you to leave. No. Now. But I don't... Get out,

Fielding, or you can forget about the club.

Can you believe that guy?

I am so sorry.

We're not going to let it spoil our evening.

I've thought about it. I don't give a damn about your club.

What?

Are you serious?

Yes, Christine. It's all a game. A thick, depraved libido fest.

Look at this. You're worth 50 points in a sexual scavenger hunt.

I don't believe this.

Neither do I. I'd have rated you much higher.

Dean, this is all just a little misunderstanding.

It's a joke. You know, guys. I'm not laughing.

Okay, okay, I'm busted.

That doesn't mean I don't like you.

Why, you creepy, sleazy, slimy, pretentious,

two-faced horses.

your mouth, young lady.

I really liked him.

He was sensitive and he was romantic.

He even cried when I read him my poetry.

Go ahead, go ahead. It'll make you feel better.

I can't. It's Wedgwood.

Why couldn't I see this coming?

Well, that's probably because you're one of those rare people who see the good in

everyone. You really got to work on that.

All right, now here's a good rule of thumb.

All men are pigs.

Well, not all men.

Look what you gave up for me tonight.

Well, I wouldn't have to if you weren't so damn naive.

Yeah, I guess I am a little gullible.

I know Muslim women who are more streetwise.

I'm ridiculous.

No, no, I believe everything everybody tells me. Well, not anymore.

I'm going to be tough.

I'm going to be hard.

I'm going to be a nail.

Oh, no, come on, come on. Here, here, stop that.

Come on, Christine.

You can keep that.

Look, you are what you are, and there's no changing that.

Oh, God. There's no hope.

Uh-uh.

That's a good thing.

You know, the people who really care about you wouldn't want it any other

way.

You really mean that?

Amazingly enough, I do, yes.

I just wish you'd stop dotting your I's with those little hearts.

Oh, God.

I have a lot to learn about the way the world works.

I'll tell you what. To feel up to it, I know a real nice place around the corner

that serves a great cappuccino.

And if we get there by midnight, you can watch me wrestle a live, large, sweet

woman.

Maybe not all in one night.

Dan, sorry about the club.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I just heard they are being sued by a

feminist group.

What? Yeah, 100 counts of discrimination and sexual harassment.

Just think, I could have been part of all of that.

Unbelievable.

The whole thing was an absolute fiasco.

Everything that could go wrong went wrong. The only thing Bull did right was

something he was supposed to do wrong.

I take it the magic show bombed out. We worked on it for two weeks and Bull

still screwed up. My God, what did he do?

Well, ask him yourself.

Come on, Harry, give me another chance.