All language subtitles for S06E01 - Danny got his Gun 2

Previously on Night Court... So happens
I am an officer in the United States

Army Reserves.

Get out of here!

It is true. As a matter of fact, I've
been in the reserves for five years. I

mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a
month, two weeks every summer.

Like going to the bathroom.

I'm going to need some time off.

Well, sure. When?

Immediately. I have a two-week
assignment overseas.

Well, that sounds neat. Where are you
going?

To a war zone.

I'm going to find a way out of this if I
have to wet every bed from here to Fort

Dix.

They cannot make me fight.

Makes you proud to be an American,
doesn't he?

You'll never get away with this, Dan.

You don't think so, huh?

Well, I got x-rays that say different.

According to these, you've got a bell
around your neck and four stomachs.

What is all that crap you're wearing?

Ah, this? Nothing. It's nothing. I was
driving to work and I was hit head on.

And rear-ended.

And sideswiped.

I think we've got us a shirker here.

Let me take care of him, ma'am.

All I need is a grenade and a funnel.

I've got something much better in mind
for him.

I hope you like cold weather. Is it a
singing telegram?

Afraid not.

There'll be a big tip in it for you.
Okay.

U.S. Army sadly states sometime
yesterday Captain Fielding's plane went

down north of Putson Bay.

Well, Your Honor, have you decided on
lunch yet?

Not yet. I gotta finish signing these
warrants.

Your Honor, this is a menu.

You just ordered the release of the
seafood platter.

He had no choice, Max. Haven't you ever
heard of a writ of habeas carpus?

I'm sorry, sir. I was just trying to
perk things up a little bit. Things have

been so gloomy around here since Dan...
Since Dan... Since Dan's plane did a

half-gainer into Mr. Glacier.

We don't know that for sure.

Christine's right. After all, the Army's
searching the entire area with the best

equipment and the best trained men in
the world. Come on, even if Dan survived

a crash, he's lost in an icy wasteland
where temperatures could make steel

girders snap like pretzel sticks.

See?

Dan! Dan!

We treated you so badly.

To think...

I once refused to lay under his car so
he wouldn't get any oil on his parking

space.

Judge Stone, this came for you.

Thanks.

Oh, come on, Phil.

It may not look so good now, but I know
in my heart that Dan's alive, and I will

laugh in the face of anyone who says
different.

Me too.

The U.S. Army has just officially listed
Captain Dan Fielding as missing and

presumed dead.

I guess you weren't up to it, huh?

What are you doing? I'm keeping Dan's
desk sparkling clean for when they find

him. Ah!

My God, is that what I look like?

Phil, Dan's been missing for over two
weeks now. It's possible they won't ever

find him. Oh, I know in my heart they
will, Raj.

I've kept a candle burning for him 24
hours a day.

they find him soon.

Don't you worry, Phil. Dan is coming
back.

Christine, you shouldn't lead him on
like that. I mean, you saw the pilot's

account from when they pulled him off
the ice floe. Oh, yeah, some account.

Fielding wouldn't jump.

I think the important thing is the last
time the pilot saw Dan, he was alive.

And promising God that he would stop
hitting on recently widowed women.

Miss Sullivan, it's a wonderful thing to
have faith, really. But then the time

comes when we've got to face facts.

I always face facts.

You? Come on, you're the one who's
waiting to hear the outcome of the

Mondale recount.

Admit it, you think Elvis is still alive
and running a bait shop in Florida.

Michigan.

You're the fact.

Dan Fielding's plane went down in the
middle of an Arctic blizzard. And if the

weather didn't finish him off, you can
bet that the polar bears did.

Not necessarily, sir.

I saw a show on TV where this scientist
was attacked by a polar bear. He rolled

himself into a ball and the bear just
played with him for over an hour.

There you go.

Then it ate him.

Sullivan. All right.

Guess I just have to face the truth.

Dan Fielding is dead.

Well, at least he's in a better place
now.

Baby, you know what I like?

I just wish you'd lay off the sushi.

Whatever I promised you, it's off.

Any idea where that would be?

You are an island on what your people
call the Arctic Ocean.

Arctic? Oh, yes, of course. The last
thing I remember is hitting the water.

How did I get here? We hunt. We see Bobo
poke you up on shore with snout.

Well, that explains the dream about the
naughty usherette.

You were alive because of Nami Lama.

Aha. Nami Lama.

She shall bed with you for 14 sleeps,
cradling you in her bosom and arms,

keeping you warm with her body heat.

Whoa.

We must put out, what, 16,000 BTUs
there.

You sleep like baby in my arms.

Make Bobo very jealous.

What is your name, stranger?

Dan, Dan Fielding. Oh, nice to meet you,
Dan, Dan Fielding.

I am Kumok.

Kumok, lovely.

That was my mother's name. Listen, I
would love to stay here and get to know

each and every one of you like brothers,
but I got to run.

You get to show me where my stuff is.

Oh, most destroyed and crashed.

The only things we found were this flare
gun and pictures of these poor young

women. Who cannot afford clothing?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You're a very warm-blooded bunch. Now, I
really do have to run. Could you just

show me where the nearest phone is? My
cousin has food.

Oh, great, great. Where's your cousin?

Seattle.

Seattle.

How the hell do you people stay in touch
with the outside world?

My snow plane.

Well, that's great. When does it get
here?

In morning.

Fantastic. When's morning? Next April.

Sharp.

April.

You mean I get to spend the next six
months with the slush family Robinson

here?

How the hell do you people survive up
here? I mean, what do you do for

laundries and showers?

Toilet paper.

Old Eskimo joke.

Coming through.

Where do you want this put, Your Honor?

Well, that depends, Bull. What is it?

Dan's estate.

The office manager ordered Dan's things
cleared out. So this is what happens.

Your whole life ends up in a cardboard
box.

I don't know. It seems sort of
appropriate. Most of that stuff started

off in a plain brown wrapper.

What the hell is this?

I don't know, but I wouldn't touch it
without rubber gloves.

I found this on Dan's desk, Your Honor.
It's addressed to you.

What is it?

Looks like a will.

It's dated the 11th.

That was the day before he left.

You suppose he had a premonition?

Could be.

Or maybe he had a feeling something bad
was going to happen to him.

Read it, sir.

I, Dan Fielding, being of sound mind and
sculpted body, do hereby bequeath my

property as follows.

To Bull Shannon.

my favorite meltdown survivor.

I leave you my magnifying mirror.

Oh, boy!

Neato! My nose hairs look like tree
trunks.

To Roz Russell, I leave nothing.

I know you hate these smarmy emotional
scenes as much as I do, and if I did

give you something, you'd probably just
turn around and sell it anyway.

To Mack Robinson, I leave all my suits
so that he'll stop wearing those god

-awful sweaters.

Oh, that's great.

Now I've got something to wear to all
those cotillions I'm invited to.

To Christine Sullivan, I guess now I can
admit that what you've always suspected

was true.

I really only wanted one thing from you.
Oh, jeez, Dan, even now? What a jerk!

Your respect.

Of course, I meant jerking the nicest
possible sentence.

I found you to be a keen adversary who
forced me to be a better lawyer.

I leave to you a jewelry box, an
heirloom handed down for generations in

my family.

It's beautiful.

To Harry Stone.

Every night I'd watch you juggle or
perform a magic trick or just plain

charm the dickens out of everyone.

How I kept from puking all over your
bench, I'll never know.

Actually, I do know.

Because you are also the fairest and
most capable jurist that I ever had the

honor of working with.

For that, I leave to you my

heartfelt gratitude.

I think we've... You might have
misjudged Dan Fielding.

Dan, if you can hear me, I want to
apologize for not seeing your decency in

humanity.

Wherever you are, Dan, God bless you.

I can see the inquirer now.

Man cops feel from beyond grave.

What? Oh, right, all right, all right,
all right, all right. Here.

You know, I had a girl like you once.

Of course, she had longer whiskers.

Stop there at the office?

No, have a good day.

Catch many big fish.

All except for not the... Oh, not the
classic case of salmon envy.

Hope you don't mind while you're around.
I kind of made myself at home.

That stuff's not too bad. What is it?

Whale face.

That's it.

I can't take this anymore.

I am used to four-star restaurants. with
gourmet cuisine. You people slap your

mackerel against a rock. You call it
dinner.

I can't live like this. I want to go
home.

Oh, you two tense, Dan Dan feuding.

Relax.

Why not take a roll in the pelts with
Nami Lama? Make Nicky Wicky.

I'd rather make Nicky Wicky with the
seal.

Don't get your hopes up.

You don't find me desirable?

No, no, it's not that.

Well, it's not just that.

Nami Lama!

Dan, Dan Fielding, you make Nami Lama
sad.

I can't sleep with another man's wife,
for God's sakes.

Not unless it's behind his back.

It is our custom to share everything
here. This is how we survive.

You have insulted us.

You are business end of reindeer.

Well,

I guess I deserve that.

You... I

wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you.
you people

and you saved me you shared with me your
food your

clothing brought me into the warmth of
your home

what's that noise it is airplane
hallelujah

it's been a lot of yucks but i'm going
back to people who have more important

things to do than drain a walrus

If you're ever in New York, my real
name's Ed Koch. Look me up.

Come on, guys! Come and get me!

Look at that sucker go!

Moose Goose, are you?

Nana Haku, give me five.

Careful, I'm afraid I busted up my hands
when my plane crashed through that ice

pack.

I understand I have you to thank for
that.

Yes, I am terribly sorry. It was a
mistake.

Mistake? Hell, I owe you one.

Thanks to you, I got to experience free
fall from 1,500 feet with enough G's to

peel the skin right off your face.

Anytime.

Gordon Mooney's the name.

Uh, Dan Fielding.

So, you're not from around here, are
you, Fielding?

Uh, no, I was just up looking for a
little summer place off the bay.

Oh! No, no, no, no. The U.S. Army
Reserve is from New York.

Oh, you're the one. They were looking
for you.

Oh, good, they are.

No, no, they were.

By now, they think that you're either
drowned or you're polar bear droppings.

Dr. Mooney has a million of them.

You're a doctor?

I'm a bush doctor, Fielding.

I treat every Eskimo for a thousand
square miles around here.

I deliver their babies. I mend their
broken bones.

Why, come on. You look completely
healed.

What was wrong with him?

Freak harpoon accident.

It's our anniversary.

How sweet.

The gift that keeps on oozing.

Agpa! Mooney!

Go to Mooney's plane. Bring back
Mooney's radio.

You have a radio?

Bobo, Moody has a radio.

Fantastic, of course. You have a plane,
you have a radio.

It's the only way to find the really
good stories.

Hi, everybody.

My God, a real woman.

With all her teeth.

I see the stranger has risen.

Oh, boy, yeah.

I'm Dan Fielding. I'm tall. I'm a
lawyer. I drive an expensive car. You

believe in destiny? I do.

Come, let me show you the fjords like
you've never seen them. If we hurry, we

can just catch the whales mating.

Was that a yes?

Yeah.

Well, we're all set, sir.

Everybody has been notified about Dan's
memorial service.

Well, isn't this great, the way
everyone's getting involved with this,

Mac? Oh, yes, sir.

And did you see that the flags are at
half-mast at every adult motel in town?

The man touched a lot of people, Mac.

Now, that needed to be said.

You know, never in my life did I think
I'd be making the arrangements for a

memorial service for Dan Fielding. But
by golly, let's do it right, huh? I want

Dan to go out with grace and dignity.

Harry, should we open the services with
Nearer My God to Thee or the Too Fat

Polka?

That's a tough one, Bull.

Your call.

Right.

Okay, Wally, let's play it safe.

Everybody loves a polka.

What was that about?

Another senseless accordion crime.

How are you guys feeling today?

Oh, like nothing will ever be the same
again without Dan.

I'll never again receive a memo that
says, regarding my underwear, I'm not

wearing any.

You know how you feel?

It really struck me last night when we
arraigned that 300-pound transvestite

hooker. In my mind, I could hear Dan
calling him Puff the Magic Drag Queen.

Yep. Dan could be a little tasteless at
times.

Pretty much round the clock.

Yeah, but he was our Dan, and we all
cared about him.

We're gonna miss you, Fielding.

Hey, how about... we do chinese for
dinner i grieve

i get hungry what is it dr mooney

it's hard to tell maybe it's just bad
piece of blubber you're trying to tell

me that such a thing is a good piece of
blubber hell yes you ever tried it

frozen on a stick i'll take prime rib at
the plaza if you don't mind

The plaza in New York?

You go there?

Mm-hmm. It's got everything you could
want in a hotel.

Except an hourly rate.

How do you know about New York?

Dr. Mooney. He bring me issues of Cosmo.

I read all about the city that never
sleeps.

All right, easy now, little girl.

I'm not finished with you yet.

This is amazing.

My whole life I dreamed of visiting the
Big Apple.

If I can make it there...

I can make it anywhere.

I've made it everywhere.

Except here.

It seems like the most exciting place in
the world.

Are people friendly there?

Absolutely. Just don't make eye contact.

Actually, it is the greatest city on
Earth. It has everything.

Restaurants, theaters, art galleries.

Of course, it's not fitting by holding
the ice all day waiting to club a seal,

but... Oh, Doc!

Fielding, help me out here.

Yeah, what?

Gently feel around the tender area.

Like this?

He made me do it!

Doc, Doc.

What is it? It's appendicitis.

Are you sure?

No, she's got all the symptoms.

If we don't get that appendix out soon,
she'll be rubbing noses with St. Peter.

How the hell are you going to operate on
her with two broken hands?

I'm not feeling.

You are.