Original subtitles

Hold the elevator!

Hi.

I-I can't.

Larry David for Dr. Lynch.

- Melissa Winnaker, or Winokur. - Marissa.

- Oh, t-that'll do it. - Yeah.

- Winokur. - First door on the left.

Doctor will be in to see you in just a minute.

- Great, thanks. - You're welcome.

- Excuse me. - Can I help you?

Could you please tell me what time

that woman's appointment was for?

Miss Winokur is 11:45.

Well, she's after me. She's supposed to be after me.

Well, she signed in before you, sir.

I'm 11:30, she's 11:45. Why aren't I going ahead of her?

I know, sir, but she was here first

she signed in first, so we saw her--

Here first? And my appointment is for 11:30.

Well, sir, it was just a few minutes before you.

- A few minutes? - There's no need to get upset.

We have a policy in this office

that you are seen as you sign in, that's the--

What is it, what is it, like a bakery?

You-you pick a number and the first number goes?

Yes, basically, it's first come, first serve.

So why don't you just have a little ticket

we can all take numbers, instead of even...

Why even give out the appointments?

You don't even need appointments.

No, seriously, for this policy you don't need appointments.

Sir, the policy of the office is you are seen as you come in.

That way we see as many patients as possible in a given day.

- That makes sense, doesn't it? - No, it doesn't.

It doesn't make any sense at all.

Well I understand, you're probably

having a bad day, you're in pain

but that is the policy of this office.

Do you understand this policy?

Please don't talk to her, she's busy.

I get it. It's no Swiss picnic for me, either.

Did you hear that?

Unbelievable.

This is their policy, okay.

First come, first serve, it's unbelievable.

Did you hear any of that?

Huh? Yeah, no, we heard it.

We just feel like it's not really necessary to comment

at this particular time.

No comment until the time limit is up.

It doesn't matter what time your appointment is for

anybody who comes in ahead of you gets your spot.

That's how they do it here.

I'm telling you. What?

What? What do you have to say, nothing?

Can't talk? People at doctor's offices can't talk?

Is that a rule or something? Oh, excuse me.

I'm sorry to bother you, but you know

I did a nice thing for you, I held the elevator for you

so you can get on first.

And then I was a gentleman, I let you out.

Okay, and you came down the hall

you wouldn't let me get by you, you knew I--

- I wouldn't let you get by me? - You would let me get by you.

And then you signed in ahead of me.

I was here before you, of course I signed in ahead.

But my appointment was for 11:30 yours for 11:45. Yeah.

You know what time my appointment was?

Yeah, I do know, what were you--

What were you doing in there anyway for 40 minutes?

What's, w-what was going on in there?

What were you, chatting?

Talking about old times, what was that?

Huh? You know, it's not right.

You're in a doctor's office, don't chit-chat.

Don't ask him how his day was. You don't chit-chat.

You do, you know, let him examine you, you go out.

- Mr. Dav? Lurry Dav? - That's Larry David.

Mr. David, the doctor will see you now.

Oh, wow. That's very special, isn't it?

- Thank you. - Thank you for your patience.

Yes, it's been quite a nice time.

Right here, room four.

Oh, what's this, another half hour now?

- Hey, Larry. - Hey.

- Can I ask you a question? - Sure, what's up?

W-What's with your waiting room policy?

- I don't get it at all. - Really? You know what?

You're the first person who hasn't liked it.

Nobody's mentioned this to you?

No, they love it.

Well, y-you gotta do something about this.

- I mean, it's really bad. - I, hey.

I'm gonna, I'll make a note. I'll make a note.

I've been waiting so long

I'm late for an appointment with Diane Keaton.

And it's a very important thing.

Diane Keaton? What is that about?

She read my script. She's very interested in doing my script.

Good for you, Larry. Hey, that's exciting.

- Yeah. - Wow.

The-the script that my wife read.

- She read it? Really? - My wife read that script.

Yes, yes.

- Did she, did she say anything? - No. No, no.

She read it, though. I saw her reading it.

- She's a good lawyer. - Yeah, good lawyer.

Well, what do you, what do you got for me today? What's this?

- Oh, I-I jammed my finger. - How'd you do that?

You know, uh, you know the comedian Richard Lewis?

We had a fight over some bracelet

in front of a jewelry store.

Yeah, how does that feel? You okay with that?

- And how about that? - Yeah, it's fine.

- What is this, What... - It's, my wife made a splint.

- Your wife? - It's a plastic knife.

- It's a plastic knife. - Yeah.

Were you at a picnic when you hurt yourself?

Nothing hurts. You're all set. Lose the splint.

Unless y-you saved the fork and you got yourself a pair.

- Alright, Larry, see ya. - Do I have to pay for this?

- Hello. - Hi.

Okay, that's three dollar.

- Uh-oh. Uh-oh. - I need three dollar.

I don't think I have any money.

Did you look in your little change thing?

No, I don't have anything there.

I don't have it. It would be in my wallet.

My drawer need three dollar. I'm sorry, you know.

I know, you know what, my lawyer's here

my doctor's here, I'll be back on-on Friday.

Okay, I hear that all the time.

- I need, I need the money. - Can you lay it out for me?

I don't have it. I'm out of cash.

I'm an honest person. I'll pay you back, I promise.

I'll pay you back five dollars, okay?

I'll give you five dollars back on Friday.

- Do you promise? - I pr... I promise.

- Will you be here on Friday? - Yes, I will be here.

Okay, I will pay you on Friday.

- I recognize you, okay. - Please believe me, okay?

This my own money, I put it in drawer, okay?

- Okay. Do you believe me? - Yeah.

- I will, I will pay you. - You better.

- I will. Okay. - Okay.

- Thank you very much. - Yeah.

- Thank you. - Welcome.

Hey, hey, I remember your face!

Hey.

- Yeah, she left. - Oh.

I kept her here as long as I could. What happened?

I got held up at a doctor's office.

- Are you okay? - Let me tell you something.

My days of elevator etiquette are over. Over.

- What does an elevator-- - I'm not holding doors anymore.

Not letting women out first anymore, that's done.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Well, that's-that's what caused me to be late

'cause I let a woman out first and she got in the office

and took 45 minutes and, uh...

No, I don't know what to tell you, she... she said

"I don't know if I can work with somebody who's late like this."

- She said that? - She's not gonna do it.

That's all, I mean, I don't mean to... What're you doing?

- I'm testing my finger. - Alright.

Well, all I'm telling you is, I don't, it doesn't look good.

- I can't call her? - You know what?

- I suggest you write a note. - I'm, I'm writing like Tarzan.

- You know, I can't. - Well, try.

I just, it doesn't look good, that's all I'm saying to you.

- It doesn't look good. - This her tea?

That's her tea.

Boy, she's so perfect for this thing too.

- Perfect. - I know.

Well, we'll try, we'll try. I'm not gonna give up.

- You want something to eat? - I'm-I'm just gonna get going.

- Alright. - Oh, you know what?

Do you have any money?

- Hey. Hi. - Hi. You're just in time.

I'd like you to meet our new, uh, interior decorator, Carmen.

H-he's surprised, you don't tell him?

No, no, I heard rumblings about it.

Relax, you are in good hands, believe me.

- Am I, really? - Yes, you're in good hands.

I've heard that many times.

You have, uh...

...more skin color than I thought you would.

- Really? - Really, yeah.

That's good? Is that a good thing?

I thought you would be so pale, he will look so nice--

- I'm a very vivacious man. - Very vivacious.

I think you'll find that, yeah.

She want the earth tone, Larry, and I don't...

I think earth tone is over, you know?

Boo, on earth tones, that is so passe.

You want something to stimulate you?

- Yes. - I'm a pastel man.

- He's teasing you all the time. - Yes.

- I know. - He's always teasing me.

- I'm being serious. - She knows your type.

I don't see the book I need here.

Hey, how was your meeting with, uh, Diane Keaton?

Ugh. I was late. She left.

So you didn't get to meet her at all?

- No. - Oh, that's too bad.

- She's... That's my client. - Really?

- Diane Keaton's your client? - Very nice. She's very nice.

You don't get to have a meeting. She's very nice.

- Oh, wow. - For years I know her.

I think there's a message for you from her, actually.

- From Diane Keaton? - Yeah, yeah.

- She left a message. - You're kidding.

I haven't listened to it, but I...

...was in the other room and I heard it.

[Diane on speaker] Uh, Larry, it's Diane Keaton.

Um, I-I don't know what happened today.

I-I hope everything is okay.

Listen, anyway, if you wanna try again

give me a call at home.

My number is 310-276...

Ah!

- I didn't get that. - I don't know.

- I got the 310 part. - The stupid cell phone.

The signal failed, that's what that's called.

- That happens with - Oh, wait a second, you...

Oh, you must have... Do you have her number?

- I have the number. - Oh, could you...

- Would you give me her number? - I can't do that, Larry.

I can't give you Diane Keaton's number.

W-W-What, why not, she left it on

she left it on the machine. You just heard it was her.

That's a privacy thing with my client. I can't do that.

But she doesn't even have to know that you gave it to me

because she left it on my machine, don't you understand?

I can't give you the number.

- She doesn't feel comfortable-- - Comfortable?

She just left it on the machine.

I am loyal to my clients.

There's no question of loyalty here!

- She's given me her number! - Larry, let me-- Calm down.

Let me explain something to you

I can't give you everything about her.

I mean, Larry, that, that's a standard thing.

That's why I'm with her so many years.

I am sorry, I can't give you the number.

I'm not going to give the number.

That's not the way I work.

- So you fired Carmen? - Yeah.

- That's great. So now what? - Sorry, I gotta hang up.

- I'm at the lawyer's now. - Fine.

- Hello. - Hi.

Um, do you know, um...

...t-there's an Asian woman who works here?

- Yeah, Joanna. - Oh, okay great.

Could you do me a big favor?

I owe her money, okay?

I owe her three dollars and I wanna pay her back.

I'm gonna give her $10.

I'm giving her seven more dollars, alright?

Just tell her that it's from the bald guy with the glasses.

We can't take money from people.

No, no, no, all you're doing is giving it to her.

- I, you're not-- - This is policy.

W-What do you mean, pol... What kind of policy?

We, uh, for parking we take the money, but not from, uh...

That's a policy? You can't give your friend money?

- That's a very strange policy. - I can't be held responsible.

No, I'm not holding you responsible, just give her the--

Okay, I'm not responsible.

No, you're not responsible.

But I'm asking you to do me a favor.

I owe her money, I might not see her

and I wanna make sure she gets paid, okay?

- I will give her this from you? - Thank you, yeah.

And it's $10. It's seven more than I'm supposed to give her.

- Okay, your name? - Uh, forget name.

I'm the... Tell her the bald guy with the glasses.

The bald man with the glasses, is you.

Unfortunately that's me.

- It's a good look. - Oh, yeah, thanks.

Anyway, thanks, thanks a lot.

- I can trust that you'll... - I will give it to her.

Thank you.

Hey, hold the door!

Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't know it was you!

Sorry! I'm sorry.

I gave the money to...

- What is this? - Hi.

What're you doing? Is this your new office?

How come you're not in your office?

No, my office is being painted.

- Well, where should I sit? - Anywhere you want.

As far away from you. As far away from you as possible.

Thank you. Very nice.

I'll sit by the door in case you come after me or something

and I can run out.

Larry, I ran into Diane Keaton's agent.

What's, what is that? What're-what're you doing?

Well, because I took so long in your husband's office that day

h-he kept me waiting for 45 minutes

because of his ridiculous poli...

Waiting policy that he has

that I missed my appointment with Diane Keaton.

Well, how... You know, she's-she's angry.

You missed the meeting and you didn't return her call.

Don't worry. Jeff set up another meeting for later.

I'm gonna straighten the whole thing out.

I'm a master of supplication.

All right, well that's good.

There's something else I have to mention to you

and I can't remember--

Oh, I-I have something to talk to you about.

Oh, okay.

I actually got a... I got a bill from you for, uh, $1,500.

Mm-hmm.

And I thought I was all paid up and everything 'cause...

Right. It's for reading your script.

Is that...

That's a joke, right?

No.

What are you... You're not kidding.

Are you kidding?

No, I am not kidding.

I read your script, I billed you.

Wait a second, you read my script?

Right, that's...

And then you charge me for reading my script?

I'm sorry, but that's standard practice.

I think I charge for...

That's $1,500, that's three hours.

And, you know, it took me, like, four hours to go through it.

Oh, really? Oh, I'm sorry for taking up your time.

And you know what, quite frankly

I should have read it because it needs work.

You know what? I am not interested

in your creative input about anything, okay?

Well, I'm sorry to tell you this

but I also gave notes on it and I'm gonna bill you for that too.

- Really? - Yes, I am.

Okay, well, I'm gonna take those notes

and I'm gonna shove them up my own ass.

You know, that sarcasm is not working for me at all.

Really, I'll tell you what's not working for me, you.

- You're not working for me. - Oh.

- And you know what else? - Am I being fired?

You're gonna have a tough time collecting that $1,500.

I suggest you talk to my new lawyer, okay?

Try-try calling my new lawyer.

Hey! Hey, Lexus man!

I see you!

You try to run away!

No. No, no, no, no.

Yeah, you try not to pay me!

- No, I didn't, no. - Yeah, you did.

Listen for a second.

- You-- - No. No, listen.

I gave the attendant upstairs $10 for you.

You are lying. I want my money.

Ask him, ask him.

You saw me, you tried to ditch me.

- That's not true. - I see you here and I...

- "Oh, elevator," and... - No! I didn't know it was you.

Liar in the elevator!

I didn't know it was you!

Oh, how many people look like me?

I don't know! A lot of people look like you.

I know that face, that honest glasses face.

It's the face of a liar!

No, it's not a face of a liar!

And that's not nice, that's not true!

Lying man!

Liar liar, pants on fire!

Hey, what do you think, I was born yesterday?

Come on, buddy, cough it up!

That's better.

Do you have change for a 20?

I don't have anything

'cause I gave my last $3.00 to you!

I already... Oh.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

You got $30 from me now.

- I have $20 now. - $30.

$20, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're friend upstairs has 10 too.

- I bet. Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, he does.

$30 you got from me!

I heard you!

- Hi. - Hi.

$2.20 please.

Oh, my God, you know what?

I gave the $20... I just saw Joanna...

- I remember you. - I gave her my last $20 and...

And I need the other $10 now.

Excuse me, I'm gonna need the other 10.

- It's 2.20 for now for parking. - Yes.

And then what?

I already paid her in the garage.

I paid her the money I owe her.

I gave her $20.

I owed her three and I paid her 20

so I need the $10 back because now...

Because I paid her the $20.

This is why I don't do favors for people.

But listen, sir...

Please!

Sir, I'm an honest person.

I'm telling you--

I'm honest person.

Remember this?

You told me to give this to her?

- Yes. - That's what I'm going to do.

All I need from you is 2.20 and we done.

But I gave you the money, so give the money back to me.

Let's just pretend it never happened.

Go back an hour and pretend this never happened, okay?

Just go back an hour?

Go back an hour, pretend I never came in.

Go back an hour? When I don't want to take the money?

And you say, "Take money to give to her?"

And I promise you I give her money, go back to that?

- I need-- - Go back to that?

Excuse me, please!

How do I know now that you pay her money?

- Okay, wait. - You pay everyone money?

- I'll get your money. - Oh, you get me money.

You know... Never have money for parking.

You have a beautiful car, but no money for parking.

This is the second time you don't have money for parking.

You think you can loan me $2.20?

I... Just... He's just not gonna let me out.

I-I'm just out of money. I...

Know what? Maybe make it a five.

Great. Okay.

Larry, don't touch my car.

Uh, you know what? I'm gonna give you back $10.

I'll-I'll make it worth your while.

$10, I promise.

Thank you.

- Where you been? You're late. - I don't know.

I had a problem in the garage with this woman

and then I didn't have money to pay for the parking.

It's always to do with the parking.

You know what, I'm convinced you don't want to meet Diane Keaton.

That's what I'm convinced of.

Well, I'm here, aren't I?

Yeah, you're here, but you're a half hour late.

What are you thinking?

The guy wouldn't give me back my own $10.

Hi. Are you Larry?

- Yes. - Great.

Diane's been waiting. Come on in.

Thank you.

Hi, Jeff Greene.

Hi, Kim, I'm Diane's assistant.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

[Diane] Larry, is that you?

Oh, hi, Diane. I'm sorry I'm late.

Don't worry about it, okay?

I'll be right down.

Make yourself at home all right?

[Kim] Um, you can take a seat right over here and wait.

Okay, thank you.

Can I get you anything to drink

some coffee, water, juice?

- Oh. No, thank you. - I'm fine, thank you.

[Kim] Okay, just let me know if you need...

No, thanks. Okay.

Did she have an attitude, that woman?

- She has an attitude. - Or is it my imagination?

- No, she had an attitude. - She did. Didn't she?

Big time.

What are you looking at?

That lamp looks very familiar.

[Diane] Thank you! I'll see you in a week.

[Carmen] Okay, Diane, I'll call you when I get the material.

Bye, bye.

Of course.

When she told me a "Larry" kept her waiting

I should have known it was you.

Listen, you fire me, that's fine.

You don't have any taste, you don't want my service

that's fine.

But you owe me a check and I expect to get paid.

So I want the check today.

Okay, y-you should have gotten the check.

Larry, I don't receive the check.

Please, I am a reasonable person.

I want you to give me the check today.

My business manager mailed the check.

- I want the money now. - What are you saying?

You want me to write a check right now?

You fire me? I have a reputation.

And I have a history with Diane--

Well, I don't have a check on me.

- Larry-- - Quiet down, will you?

Listen, you tell me to be quiet?

Will you just quiet down?

I will tell Diane not to work with you.

Wait a second, wait a second. You'll get your check.

You listen to me! Don't tell me to shut up.

I don't carry checks on me.

- Quiet... You stop that! - Give me my money!

- Hey! - Don't touch me again!

- Larry! - Hey.

- Stop it! - Don't, Larry!

Larry!

Oh, you're an animal!

Oh, Larry.

Hi, Diane.

Excuse me, do you have change for $20?

Sorry.

Uh, do you have any change on you?

- Change? - No.

I need money. No?

Do you have any change on you?

Just a quarter?

You can't spare a quarter?

Hold the elevator, please.

Excuse me!

Hey!

Oh.

Ah.

Finger...

Oh.

How you doing?

Bad finger.

♪ Bad finger ♪

♪ He's the man ♪

♪ The man with the Midas touch ♪

♪ A spider's touch ♪

Marissa Winnaker?

- Yeah. - Uh, Winokur?

- Yeah. - Dr. Lynch is ready to see you.

Room eight.

Oh, thanks.

- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.

Whoa, I don't understand, what's going on here?

I came in before her, I signed in the sheet.

Well, you'll be happy to know, they've changed policy.

Changed policies, what--

Now we see people on the basis

of their appointment time and not their arrival time.

No, but that's ridiculous.

One person complains

and all of a sudden, everything gets changed?

This was based on your idea the other day.

I know, but what are you listening to me for?

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Nobody ever listens to me.

So apparently, it's not about the policy at all.

It's more just about you going first?

Exactly.

So if you go first, whatever policy that is--

That's a good policy. Me first, that's the policy.

From now on, you know what we're gonna have in this office?

The, "You first policy...

- Thank you. - Does that make you happy?

- Yes, that makes me happy. - Good. Right after today.

Why don't you have a seat, read a magazine.

Doctor will be with you in a few minutes. Thank you.

[Larry] So you know they changed the policy, right?

Used to be first come, first serve.

Now it's appointment.

Oh, really?

That's fascinating. I didn't know that.

Oh, no, it's true.

Oh, congratulations.

She emerges.

What are you doing in there for 45 minutes anyway?

Are you okay?

Lassie Maven?

Lassie?

- Ha, ha. - Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was you, Mr. Dav.

Right this way.

Doctor will be right in to see you.

- Hi, Larry. - Hi.

So... So w-what happened to the policy?

We changed the policy

after we had the discussion

at the beginning of the week, we just changed the policy.

- Just like that? - Just like that.

M.D. Makes decisions.

What have we got?

The finger, you... still bothering you?

Much, much worse.

Much worse. I got... I got...

- What happened? - I got... I got in a fight.

Wasn't the first, uh, incident a fight as well?

You be very careful there.

Okay. This is another fight?

Yeah, yeah.

And who are we... same person?

No, an interior decorator.

You're fighting interior decorators?

And I also had an altercation

in the hall with one of your patients.

When's the next fight? Maybe I'd like to see it.

Ah!

- Very sorry. When I do this? - Yeah, ahh.

Same thing. Worse when I do this?

- Yes, yes. - Okay.

You have, uh... You've fractured it.

It's a hairline fracture.

It's a small one, but it is fractured.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

So what... W-What are we gonna do?

What do you do?

Well, I can't do anything, uh, right now.

I can't do anything, Larry

until you pay my wife's fee and my fee, in advance.

That's the way we're gonna do this.

Let me tell you something, okay, John?

I didn't ask her to read that script.

She read the script, Larry.

She didn't have to read that script.

She did read it, though.

But who told her to read it?

As a professional courtesy to you.

Doesn't matter. That's a courtesy? That's some courtesy.

It was.

I'd like to get courtesy like that from everybody

boy, I'll be in the poorhouse.

You'd be lucky if you did.

She took the time from her day.

And let me tell you something,

she made some significant notes on that script.

Oh, who gives a shit about her notes?

I didn't ask her to read that script.

I don't want her notes.

I don't care about her notes.

I don't need her notes.

How about the finger? Do you care about that?

- Yes. - Here's what's gonna happen

with that, Pal o' mine.

Her money up front, my money right now

and then we take a look at the finger.

How do you feel about that?

"cause that's the game we're playing now.'

What-what, do you need a couple of minutes?

'Cause I got some patients I could look at out there.

You know what? This-this is embarrassing.

Yeah. You should be embarrassed.

Not embarrassed for me.

All right, give me a couple minutes.

I'll be right back in, we'll fix that finger.

Hey, you're gonna get miles.