All language subtitles for 3Rd Rock From The Sun S01 E19 Selfish Dick Eng

- What is your problem?
- I'm sorry.

I just can't believe what
passed for literature in the '70s.

Knock, knock, knock.

This delivery came
for you C.O.D.

- You weren't here, so I paid the guy.
- Thank you.

That saves me $28,

plus $5 shipping
and handling.

What is it?

It's something to warm up
my side of the office.

Dr. Albright has her
collection of tribal death masks,

and now I have these.

Look at this one.
It says, "plan ahead,"

but the person
who made it forgot to.

Take that,
Mr. Advice giver. Pow!

"You don't have to be crazy
to work here, but it helps."

It sure does!

Oh, I can't wait to show these
to Dr. Albright and Nina.

You know,

Over time,

I've come to think of
them less as my coworkers

and more like
a family.

I'm the all-knowing father,
Mary's the wife,

and Nina is our
adopted love child.

Well, I better
be going.

The forecast for today
is laughter.

So, Sally, you still want me
to teach you to make guacamole?

Yeah. I planned
my whole day around it.

Okay. Now... ow!

Darn.

- You're bleeding.
- Oh, no, no, I'll be fine.

- Just get me a little gauze.
- Sure, I can handle that.

It's just a little
flesh wound.

I've inflicted far worse
than that thousands of times.

Of course, never on
creatures who bleed.

- I'll just...
- Oh!

- Sally, are you okay?
- I know what to do.

I've seen this before. We've
gotta get this woman to the E.R.

Oh no. Don't worry.
Get her into the living room.

I'll put a damp cloth on
her forehead. She'll be fine.

Oh, she's a big girl.

Wait, wait, wait.
I'm losing her.

- Oh! I'm sorry.
- Harry!

Oh! I'm sorry.

- Watch out for the post.
- Huh?

Wait, I gotta rest for a second.
- Yeah, me, too.

You know, maybe
the emergency room

isn't such
a bad idea.

Let's get her downstairs and
load her into my el Camino.

- Careful, careful.
- Don't drop her down the stairs.

- Huh?

I said don't drop her
down the stairs.

Oh-hh!

"One of these days I am
going to get Organizized."

Funny.

I knew you'd love it. Whoever
wrote this is a raving genius.

I have the best news!

Professor fuscoe has been
hired by Princeton.

- I didn't know the two of you were so close.
- I think he's a moron,

but I get his office!

The big office
with the bay window

- and the view of the apple tree?
- Yes!

Nina, you would have
been so proud of me.

As soon as I heard
it was available I went to that

overly friendly woman
who handles these things.

- Yeah. What is her problem?
- Who cares?

It was between me
and professor Suter,

and I said, "Mr. Suter
is a very nice old man,

but he seems very content in his
broom closet. Why disturb him?"

- And she bought it!

Oh, this is
wonderful!

My funny signs will look
just great in the new office.

I'll leave the two
of you alone now.

Oh,

Oh The thing is,

the new office,
it's a single.

Great! We can share
the same desk.

Uh...

No, you have
to stay here.

Oh, I see.

You're leaving me.

I guess it was a mistake
to get so close.

Well, we'll still
see each other.

Oh Please, don't patronize me. Just go.

Dick, I've never had
my own office.

I've waited
12 years for this,

and I need the extra space
for my artifacts.

To hell with
your tchotchkes!

I want you
to stay here!

Well,

Sometimes you can't
get what you want.

You're getting what
you want.

- Sometimes you can.

I need boxes!

Fine.

Mr. Potato man is
all the company I need.

Right?

Answer me!

She looks just
like snow white.

Snow white with dried
spittle on her chin.

Where am I?
- You're in the hospital.

Oh, good, honey,
you're out of the woods.

I'm going to run upstairs
and see a friend of mine.

"She just went from a
double "d" cup to a "B".

What, intentionally?

I know.
Can you believe that?

What happened?
- You fainted.

Oh, Sally, you just gotta pull through.
- Ahh!

But you're a fighter.
You've always been a fighter.

Oh, my god, why are you
talking like that? Am I dying?

Oh no no, that's just the way they
talk on those medical dramas.

Damn it!

Okay, Miss Solomon.

You might have a slight
concussion from your fall.

I'd like to keep you
overnight for observation.

Well...

am I going to be
all right?

Don't you worry
about a thing.

We take good care
of people here.

Oh, thank you.

I don't know why, but
that made me feel better.

Can I have a word
with you, doctor?

What is it?

- This woman is the only
sister I've got,

and if that means
having to use

your best doctors
and nurses,

Well,

I'm just going to
have to live with that...

damn it.

Dr. Solomon,
I'm Judith.

I'm going to be sharing this office with you.
- Judith.

This is my assistant..
my brother, Roger.

Roger.

Please don't shake my hand.
I've just washed it.

Two rules: when I do
not wish to be disturbed,

I will place
my nameplate

face down on my desk.

And in the morning, whoever
arrives first will flip on the ionizer.

You know, the woman who was
previously in this office

had no trouble with
the level of ionization.

Believe me,
you will like me,

most people do.

Ha!

Well,
this is nice.

I rush all the way over here, and
I find you lolling around in bed.

Dick, it was so scary.

I was completely unconscious
for a half hour.

Lucky you. After today,
I'd pay to be unconscious.

What happened?
- Mary moved into a new office.

Uh-huh?
- Meaning?

I don't want
her to move.

I don't care if it's
the office of her dreams.

I don't care if she's never been
happier. I'm so lonesome, I could die.

Hello! Sally's
in the hospital.

Oh...yeah...
anyway...

From now on,
I'm thinking only of myself.

I'm going to be completely...

what's the word for it?

Selfish.
- No, Smart.

I'm getting her back,
no matter what.

I thought you said she was happy there.
- She thinks she is,

but what does
she know?

I'm the high commander. I
know what's best for everything.

Now, why was I here?

Oh, right. Get well.
That's an order.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have to liberate old man Suter

from his broom closet.

I brought you some jell-o...
Ahhh aahh aah!

Professor Suter,

A terrible injustice
has been done.

What?

I said, a terrible injustice
has been done!

I heard you.

What's the big injustice?

Somebody has
taken something

that rightfully belongs to you.
- What?

Somebody has
taken something

that rightfully
belongs to you!

Are you okay?
Professor Suter?

Are you okay?!

Yes, the one
with the bay window

and the apple tree.

How long has it been
since we talked?

Seven years? Well,
you be good. Bye-bye.

Company.
- Look who I ran into Mary.

You remember
professor Suter.

Hello, Mary.
- Hello, professor.

Dr. Solomon told me
about your good fortune.

I wanted to say
congratulations.

Thank you.

I used to have an eye
out for this office.

Ah, the bay window!

And the apple tree.

My wife and I used to
picnic under it all the time.

She's dead now.

- Oh.

Mary, you have
better eyes than I.

Do you see anything carved
on the trunk out there?

No.

Oh I see it.
It's a heart.

A heart, Mary.

I carved it on the day I proposed,

right before I went out to fight the Germans.
- Oh.

You must have loved
her very much.

You'll never know.

Mary,

I have a very special
favour to ask of you.

What?

Could you
some afternoon

help me gather
apple blossoms

and then take
them with me

to my wife's grave?

'Kay.

Bless you, Mary.

- Come on, professor Suter.

Let me walk you down
to your... tiny office.

I think Dr. Albright
wants to be alone

with her thoughts.

Don't you let him
manipulate you.

This is your office. I'm not just
saying that because I finally got a window.

I'm being objective.
- I know you are,

but I'm starting
to feel bad.

You listen to me, woman.
Keep the dream alive.

I'm really going
to miss this place.

Yeah, but you got
some lovely prizes.

I know.
A sipper cup,

a pair of circulation socks
and a kidney-shaped salad bowl.

Sweet!

- I could just hang out here all day.

I know,
it's like Disneyland

with a slightly higher
fatality rate.

Hey,

Look what I got.

Ooh!
- Wow!

It was just hanging over
there behind a door.

Whoa!
are there any left?

Yeah, and the best part is,
you can go anywhere you want to,

people treat you like a god,

and you get 10% off
everything at the gift shop.

Let's go.

I need two more units of "o"
negative. 10 cc's of narcane.

Come on.
- I want done directly now. Do it.

Whoa! Here comes
another one.

Check for vitals.
- Rest: 12, bp: 140/100.

Got a difficult airway.
Can't get through.

probably ruptured his aorta.
- All right, hold his legs.

It just never ends.
- And what if it did?

Let's just pray
that day never comes.

Let's go.
- Yeah!

So...

you got plans
for tonight?

Personally, you kidding?

I could sleep forever.

When's our next shift?

Well, it's
hard to say.

We're not doctors.

Hello, everyone!
- You're in a good mood.

I'm in a great mood.
- Did Dr. Albright move back in with you?

Not yet.
But today I realised

it's not about getting Mary
back and getting what I want.

It's about getting justice
for professor Suter...

and getting what I want.

So I called up the Dean, and
I told him it was a travesty

to keep a 75-year-old man
locked away in the basement.

Now I'm ready to...

par-tay.

So what are we
celebrating, brotha?

My ruthless commitment
to myself.

Wow. You're not just
the high commander,

you're presidential
material.

Looks like
a burst appendix.

Don't let the saline
count fool you.

I know this man
is a diabetic.

No, he isn't.
- You're suspended.

She's going to be
all right, isn't she?

She's going
to be fine.

Here, let me show you what
a doctor once did for me.

Everything's going
to be all right.

We take good care
of people here.

Thank you, doctor.

This must be a tough job.
- Oh, ugh.

I've seen stuff that would make
your eyes pop out of your head

and splatter
against the wall.

In fact, I have
seen that, too.

Looks like
a burst appendix.

Don't let the saline
count fool you.

I know this man
is a diabetic.

This is a uterus.

You're suspended.

Father rice,
I find myself

in the midst
of a moral dilemma.

That's why we have a
theology department, Dick.

What can I do for you?
- It's professor Albright.

She's strayed.

No news there.

Uh...

Who is it this time?

Professor Suter.

Ooh.

That's why, father,
I implore you

to use your position
to shame her.

Uh, that's not exactly
what we do anymore.

Someone's got to get her
out of that new office.

New office?

Up on the second floor.

Bay window, apple tree?
- Yeah, that's the one.

I'll be darned.
I hadn't heard.

So Albright got
that office, huh?

Hmm.
Thank you, Dick.

Roger says you must never
leave these on his desk again.

Whatever.

"One of these days I am
going to get Organizized".

That's marvelous!

It's moronic!
Now be quiet.

There you are.

You were right.
It was a burst appendix.

The saline count
fooled me.

I didn't know he had
diabetes. He'll live now.

Remember this face...

And beg
that one day

you'll be half
the professional that..

Dr. Moshepipchik is.

Get out of my way.

Can't you people see
I'm carrying a box?

Nina!

Mary, you're back.
- Yes, I'm back.

Dean Sumner said
it was an oversight,

that he had already promised
my office to someone else.

Backstabbing weasel. That's
the last time I suck up to him.

Professor Suter.

So I guess everything
worked out, huh?

Oh, shut up.

Thanks to that idiot
campaign you mounted on my behalf,

they're forcing me to retire.
- Why?

Because you reminded them
I was over 70

and still
on the payroll.

I haven't taught a class in four years.

What have you been
doing all this time?

Working on
my screenplay.

It's like "die hard",

but it's set
in an office building.

"Die hard" was
in an office building.

Up yours.

Mary?
- What?

Somewhere in the recesses
of your heart,

aren't you just
the tiniest bit happy

that we're
a family again?

This isn't oncology.
This is a hospital, damn it.

Aww ha, look at all
the little people!

Hello, precious.

Hello!
- Wow!

That one right there looks
just like Winston Churchill.

So does that one.

Hey, this one looks like
black Winston Churchill.

It's amazing,
isn't it?

An entire ward
of pure distilled life.

I guess people don't just
come here to get repaired.

Aw! Shh!
don't cry sweetheart.

This part's easy.

Just wait till you have to
choose a long distance carrier.

I wish I could have started
from scratch like you guys..

knowing,
but not knowing.

Seeing, and then
all at once forgetting.

Enjoy it.

Time here moves
really fast.

Father, I've made
a terrible mistake.

In order to get my way,
I've harmed a friend..

someone I deeply love..

a man I barely know,

and a large unpleasant
woman in sensible shoes.

I feel just awful.

Dick?

All of god's creatures

make mistakes,

and he forgives them.

Let me show you something.

When I walk up
to my bay window

and see that
apple tree outside,

I'm reminded of
how simple life can be

when it becomes
less about having

and more about being.

Oh, you're
a good man, father,

in a really, really
great office.

It is isn't it?

When I've realized that when
getting what you want

comes at the expense
of others,

it's not all
satisfying

Even if it's the last
bag of circus peanuts?

Well, that would be
pretty satisfying.

This came for you from the hospital.
- Those people are so nice.

It's probably
a "get well" card.

It's a bill
for 35 hundred dollars.

Oh, look. It's says, "thank
you for your prompt payment".

Did you pay them?
- No.

I didn't pay 'em.
- Wasn't me.

Well, somebody
must have paid them.