All language subtitles for 2-20

Dwight: Kevin Malone,
you're next. Spit that out.

Spit. Okay, come on. Let's go.

You look cute today, Dwight.

Thanks, girl.

So, yesterday Dwight found
half ajoint in the parking lot,

which is unfortunate,
because, as it turns out,

Dwight finding drugs is more
dangerous than most people using drugs.

Let's go over some of these
symptoms of marijuana use, shall we?

You tell me
who this sounds like.

Slow moving, inattentive,

dull,

constantly snacking,

shows a lack of motivation.

Hey.

I like the people I work with,
generally, with four exceptions.

But someone committed a crime,

and I did not become

a lackawanna county volunteer
sheriff's deputy to make friends.

And by the way, I haven't.

I enjoy
the tangy zip of miracle whip.

Jim does the best impressions.

Sometimes he'll look up at me from
his desk, and he'll just be someone else.

Like, he'll go...

That's supposed to be Phyllis.

I can't do it as good as he can.

And the guys are saying,
"chug! Chug! Chug!"

But I'm so small
and all I had eaten that day

was one of those auntie em
pretzels from the food court.

So I said,
"is it okay if I sip it?"

And they said, "no." But
Ryan seemed cool either way...

Stop!

This is not
"Kelly kapour's story hour."

Illegal drugs were consumed
on company property, okay?

Your ass is on the line, mister!

My ass is on the line!
Now, I'm gonna ask you again,

what time did you
go home last night?

6:00.

I didn't know that you were
at a party on Saturday night.

I go to a lot of parties.

Okay, I'm gonna need to search
your car. Give me your keys.

I am not giving you my keys.

Don't make me do this
the hard way.

What's the hard way?

I go down to the police station on
my lunch break. I tell a police officer,

I know several, what I suspect
you may have in your car.

He requests a hearing from a
judge and obtains a search warrant.

Once he has said warrant,
he will drive over here

and make you give him
the keys to your car

and you will have to obey him.

Yeah, let's do it that way.

Dwight! Is he bugging you?

Dwight, dude, you gotta take
a chill pill, man.

It was one joint
in the parking lot.

You know, you're totally
harshing the office mellow.

I can't stop this
investigation. It is my job.

Whoa, you are a volunteer.

I volunteered for this job.
And that's not the same.

It is my duty... volunteer duty.

To investigate the crime scene.

I have six more interviews to go,
and then I will reveal what I know.

Narc!

If you are attempting to compliment
me, then you have done a very good job.

I wasn't attempting
to compliment you.

Well, you have,
because being a narc

is one of the hardestjobs
that you can have.

Okay. And I am
very proud of being...

Why don't you just cool it?
Cool it!

Dwight, please! God! So...

Dude,
where's my office? I totally lost it

because I was half-baked,
smoking doobies!

Doobie brothers. I was
smoking doobies with my brothers.

Peace out, seacrest!

Well, your office is
behind you. Thanks.

Munchies.
Who wants some munchies?

I don't think Michael's
ever done drugs.

I don't know if anyone's
ever offered him any.

Dwight: Oscar visited Mexico,
when he was five,

to attend his
great-grandmother's funeral.

What does that mean to a united
states law enforcement officer?

He's a potential drug mule.

Have you ever taken any
illegal drugs? No, I have not.

Do you think it's possible that
maybe you could have had some drugs

in your system
without you knowing about it?

What are you implying?

Have you ever

pooped a balloon?

Okay, I'm done with this.

He sure left in a hurry.

I don't wanna blow this.

Dwight: This is what all good
law enforcement officers dream of,

the chance to solve
an actual crime.

Dwight: Do you know
what this is?

Yes, it's marijuana.

How do you know that?

It's labeled.

Damn it.

That is northern lights,
cannabis indica.

It's marijuana.

I'm just saying that you
can't be sure that it wasn't you.

That's ridiculous.
Of course it wasn't me.

Marijuana is a memory loss drug,
so maybe you just don't remember.

I would remember.

Well, how could you
if it just erased your memory?

That's not how it works.

Now, how do you know
how it works?

Knock it off, okay? I'm
interviewing you. No!

You said I'd be conducting the
interview when iwalked in here.

Now, exactly how much pot
did you smoke?

So, Pam told me you do a great
Stanley impression. I'd love to hear it.

Oscar: Good.

"Why do you keep cc-ing me on
things that have nothing to do with me?"

Is that supposed to be me?

Oh, hey, Stanley. I was
just doing an impression.

I do not think that is funny.

He does everyone in the office.

Hmm.

"I do not think that is funny."
"I do not think that is funny."

Jinx. Buy me a coke.

No, no! No talking!

Jim is not allowed to talk
until after he buys me a coke.

Those are the rules of jinx
and they are unflinchingly rigid.

"Sold out"?

That has never happened
in the history of jinx.

Sorry, it's not my problem.

Dwight: I know you're innocent,

but it can't look like I'm
treating you any differently.

I understand.

Where were you
yesterday after work?

Michael: Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Who's he calling? Ratting
somebody out! Narc! Narc!

Kevin. That is so good, Michael.

Michael: Remember the narc bit?

Uh-oh. Okay, I
will let them know.

Who's in trouble?
Attention, everyone!

Drug testers are coming in a couple
of hours to test everyone's urine.

What?

What are you talking about?
Company policy.

If drugs are found
on the premises,

there is automatic drug testing
conducted within 24 hours.

Is that true, Toby?

When you sign
your job application,

you agree to comply
with random drug testing.

Michael: Two nights ago, I
went to an Alicia keys concert

at the montage mountain
performing arts center.

I had scored these
great aisle seats.

Anyway, after the opening act, this
beautiful girl sits down next to me.

And I never get to meet girls
with lip rings and she had one.

I don't know exactly
how this happened,

but one of her friends started
passing around some stuff

and they said that
it was clove cigarettes.

And I'm sure that it was
clove cigarettes.

Everybody in the aisle
was doing it.

Okay, attention, everyone! The
drug testing has been cancelled.

Instead, I will be going around to each
of you and doing a visual inspection.

No, you can't do that. I
can do that. It is my office!

Dwight: No, you cannot.

It has to be official
and it has to be urine.

All right.

Okay.

Kevin, what prescription drugs
are you taking besides Rogaine?

I'm not taking Rogaine.

Angela, what about you?

Idonttake
any prescription drugs.

You're not on anything?

Good.

Kelly: So, the first time we went
out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine.

But I was so nervous. So this
time, I wanted it to be special.

So I bought a new dress!

One of those kinds that's
kind of low-cut at the top

to show something.
But not everything.

I mean, not everything, Jim.
I promise...

Hey, guys. What's going on?

We're just having
the best conversation.

Okay, well, Michael wants to see
everyone in the conference room.

But you know what?

We have a few minutes, so you guys should
definitely finish up your conversation.

Kelly: Thanks.

So, I was looking so hot...

It has come to my attention

that some people here think
that the use of drugs

is something to laugh about.

We don't feel that way.
No, not at all.

You were the one joking
around, calling Dwight a narc.

No, no.

That was a test.
I was testing you.

And you all failed. Miserably.

When I said that Dwight was a
narc, how many of you defended him?

How many of you said, "hey,
you know what? He's right.

"What he's doing is protecting
this office from the evils of drugs."

Thank you, Michael.

I am ridiculously anti-drug.

I am so anti-drug that I am
above suspicion in any way

that involves suspicion
or testing of any kind.

Drugs ruin lives, people.

Drugs destroy careers.

Take cheech and Chong. Everybody
knows that cheech and Chong are funny.

Butjust imagine how funny they
would be if they didn't smoke pot.

I want everybody
to take a look to their left.

Now, I want everybody
to take a look to their right.

One of those people
will be dead from drug use

at some point in their lives.

This year more people
will use cocaine

than will read a book
to their children.

Where did you get these facts?

Are these facts scaring you
or are they not?

They are not.

Do you think
that smoking drugs is cool?

Do you think that
doing alcohol is cool?

Stanley: No, I don't.

And I have a glass of red wine with dinner
about once a week, for the antioxidants.

Toby: Yeah, I have the same...
Michael: Okay. Enough, enough, enough!

I have written down
a list of illegal drugs.

Take a gander. How many
of these are you familiar with?

Hookah is not
an illegal drug, Michael.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.
It's a type of pipe.

You can fill it with tobacco, often
mixed with fruit or other flavors...

Okay, you know what, Toby?

Pam, could you take this down?

In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I
would like to test his blood and his hair.

You can't do that.

I can test anyone randomly,
and I have chosen you randomly.

That's not random. Okay.

Eenie, meenie, minie, moe,
is random.

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna need
a volunteer to select one of these words

and tell us of something tragic

that happened in either their
lives or the lives of a loved one.

Yeah, Pam.

I know that Jim
has an amazing story

about a relative of his who got
caught up in the world of drugs.

Michael: Really? Pam: Mmm-hmm.

Jim, it's okay. You can...

This would be a good place
to let it out, Jim.

These are people you can trust.
These are people who care about you.

It's okay. Just...

We will not judge you.
We are here to not judge you.

Oh, he's doing it. Okay.

It's okay.

Okay, are you sure? That
looked like it was gonna be good.

All right. Okay, well...

Wow!

He really pulled out
the big guns.

Fake crying.
I did not expect that.

The point I'm trying to make
with all of this, people,

is that I hate drugs.
I hate them!

And based upon what I have seen,

you all don't quite hate them
as much as I do.

So, you are going to have
a drug test and I am not.

No, you will be tested.
Yes, I will... will not be.

No, you will be. That is the
law according to the rules.

Okay, well, Dwight, just know
that I've been very busy today

and I've got a lot of work to do and I
wasn't planning on going to the bathroom

and I don't even know if
anything's gonna come out. Okay?

So, good. Thank you.

Hi, Linda. Dwight schrute,
assistant regional manager.

You might remember testing
my urine a few years back

when I was applying to be
a volunteer sheriff's deputy.

We test a lot of urine.

Mine was green.

Oh, right.

How are you? I'm all better.

So, I need you to do some work
on the Saint Andrews account.

I need your urine, I need some
filing done. What kind of filing?

Just forget it. Just the urine.

Thatgoes directly
to the tester. Just_

I need your urine.

Like in a cup? Yes, in a cup.

We're not animals, Dwight.

For what purpose?

It's none of your business.
Then I refuse.

Okay, all right, just...

I went to an Alicia keys
concert over the weekend.

And I think I may have
gotten high accidentally

by a girl with a lip ring.

Are you serious?

I need clean urine for the lady.

But that's illegal.

Don't think of it that way.

It's like urine
goes all over the place.

You know, there's no
controlling it. It just...

Not my urine.

A cup could find its way under
the urine. It might be an accident.

We have...

Were you forced to do drugs
at this concert?

No, just... is something wrong?

Look, just...

Just fill up the cup.

Do you want
to give Michael your urine?

I want him to have
all the urine he needs.

You're not gonna get
my permission on this.

I know that.
Don't you think I know that?

Yeah, we do testing all
over the country. Cool.

Hey, are you guys hiring?

You want to work
at the urinalysis lab?

Yeah. Maybe.

My father's name
was Dwight schrute.

My grandfather's name
was Dwight schrute.

His father's name?

Dwide schrude.

Ambh

I loved my father very much.

Every morning
he'd wake up at dawn

and make us biscuits with gravy.

When I was little, my dad and I
played a lot of games together.

My dad cheated a lot,
but I never busted him on it.

I would have,
except I didn't know about it.

He didn't tell me till years later.
And I was shocked when I found out.

What?

Did you wanna tell me something? You
look like you want to tell me something.

You look like you have
something really important to say

and you just can't
for some reason.

Come on, you can tell me.

Jim, you can tell me anything.

I'd like a magazine.

We just need urine, sir.

I'd still like one.

Michael: Dwight, well,

I passed the test, thanks to
you and your untainted pee.

Thank you very much.
That's great.

What's wrong?
Where's your costume?

It's a uniform.

And I turned it in today when
I tendered my resignation.

Why? What...

I took an oath
when I was sworn in.

And I broke that oath today.

Here.

Just buy it from me.

I haven't talked to you
in hours and it's been weird.

And I really wanna know what
the hell's going on with Dwight.

Hey. Hi.

How much time do you have left
on your break?

Ten minutes.

Since you did such a good job
with the investigation,

I decided to pull a few
strings, call in a few favors,

and I've decided to make you official
security supervisor of the branch.

Really? Yes, sir.

That's fantastic. Because I've always
felt that the security here sucked.

So, you wanna...

"Dwight k. Schrute, I hereby declare
you an honorary volunteer corporal

"in charge of assisting
all activities' security."

Okay. Here's your badge.

Thank you, Michael.

Very nice, great.
Can I have a gun?

No. I don't have a gun.

Okay.

I'll have to bring in
my Bo staff.

I don't think so. Don't...

Good. Thank you, Michael.

I need to go over some
details with you. All right.

First of all... well, thank you.

Hank. Okay.

How many orange traffic cones
do you have?

Two. Oh, god.

Wow. What a terrible day
to not be able to talk.

Jim: Dwight was literally
carrying around his own urine

and dressed like
one of the village people.

Why does he do the things that he
does for Michael? I just don't get it.

What is he getting
out of that relationship?