Original subtitles

I don't have the time.

I just got a call from the new head of legal aid, and he wants to see me.

And you're going to do a little sucking up.

Yes,

a little.

Well, good luck.

Thank you.

High five.

Bonsoir, bonsoir, bonsoir, mes amis.

It is a wonderful evening, messer par.

Hey, Dad, look.

Would you look at that, a beagle with wings.

Miss Roberta LaPage. Hi. She works down at Mimeo. She copies them by the

thousands, but she's one of a kind to me.

She has graciously accepted my invitation for an evening of dining and

dancing and whatever the fates may bring.

Battery's not included.

Dan is such a great guy.

Is that a fact?

Yeah. You know, it's not every man who wants to go out with a woman once she's

taken an oath of celibacy.

An oath of what?

Celibacy. I'm abstaining from sex.

Now that was a bird.

LaBerga, I've already made the reservations. I readied the VCR.

I got my shot.

I've adopted a sex-free lifestyle, Dan. I told you about it when you first asked

me out. No, you didn't. Don't you remember my saying how much I enjoyed

being chased?

I thought you meant around the room.

We'll talk about it at the meal break, okay?

Hey, but I already choked the parallel bars.

You keep a-knocking, but you can't come in.

had the chili for lunch.

You ready to start?

Yes, sir. As soon as Christine gets back from lunch. I'm here.

Hold it.

Let's go.

First case, sir. People versus Trixie Dubois.

She's charged with prostitution.

Mr. Prosecutor.

Yes, sir. A familiar story. Boy meets girl. Girl asks for a C-note. Boy

flashes badge. Girl offers discount. Boy busts girl.

Please guilty, Your Honor.

Nothing to add? Nothing. Okay, then we'll just make this $50. Not a damn

thing.

Fine. Then I'll just call this... Well, there's really nothing left to say, is

there?

Let's find out.

Well, it's all pretty cut and dried, isn't it? I mean, obviously a crime has

been committed here, not one of larceny or violence, mind you, but the simple

offense of sex.

Let's go get some chair.

for this crime?

The man? The real instigator of the problem?

No!

Right! The woman. The eternal victim of man's history.

Used and discarded like a dick from an Eskimo pie.

What's your point?

I need a good talking to?

That's one high-spirited filly.

Breaker, Harry.

Something like that. That is so unlike him.

Who the hell are we talking about?

Arthur Thursby, my new boss.

He... No, I don't even want to talk about it. It's too heinous.

I can take it. What did he do?

He asked me out for sushi.

My God!

How do you know that?

I want to show you something.

This is my college graduation picture.

Gee, who would have thought you could put 700 faces on a wallet size?

That's Clarence Wentworth. He was class valedictorian.

Miss Sullivan, I can't even make out rows.

That's me, 364th from the left.

Oh, yeah, hey, you were... our cute little dot, weren't you?

I was salutatorian, the runner-up. Well, that must have been quite an honor. It

sucked salmon.

I'll just clam up.

I was supposed to be valedictorian. I had the highest grade average in my

class until the final semester when a certain professor decided that he liked

me. So he asked me out on a date. I politely turned him down. He politely

gave me a C.

I had earned an A, and he gave me a C.

So, Clarence Wentworth became valedictorian.

He got a scholarship to Harvard Law School.

I got a dinner for six at Benihana's.

It's all because I said no thank you to a man who had authority over me.

I understand.

No, you don't.

I guess I don't.

But I'm sorry.

So am I.

Sullivan.

Now, I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to think about this. Do

you think it could be even remotely possible that that past incident is

coloring the present? Nope.

Well, thanks for mulling it over.

Oh, you should have been there. Oh, it's so smooth.

It was all...

Suggestion and innuendo.

Miss Sullivan, if you want to file a formal charge, I will stand behind you

100%. But every time one co-worker asks another one out, we can't assume that

he's a sexual degenerate.

Harry, would you tell her I've got six months to live?

Dan.

Give me a physical. You'll see for yourself.

You were saying, sir?

Okay, there are exceptions to every rule, but some of us would like to think

that we are in control of our baser animal instincts.

Here's your Playmate magazine, sir.

Miss Sullivan, I will have you know that this magazine contains an in-depth

interview with Justice Sandra Day O'Connor along with many other well

-written and thought-provoking articles.

My pet peeves are rainy days, people who frown, and black lung disease.

Gee,

so that's Sandra Day O'Connor.

Boy, a robe makes all the difference, doesn't it?

Here you go.

Roberta, we could be magic together.

Dan, I thought you understood.

I don't want sexual satisfaction from a man.

No problem.

to make a change in my life you didn't know the old me all i ever thought about

was sex all i ever did was sex and all i ever wanted was

sex i was a crazed lusting animal haunted by desire

what would you have thought of a woman like that

Doggies are dead, sir.

Terrible infection.

It's better this way.

What happened?

My balloon animals are all Hindenburgers.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

Well, you seem a bit more relaxed.

I decided to call Arthur Thursby and politely turn down his offer for a date.

And it's all settled?

It's all settled.

He fired me.

He fired

you? Uh-huh.

I told him I didn't think it would be proper for us to see each other after

hours. He said he was sorry to hear that since my job was involved.

I told him that sounded like sexual harassment. He said, hit the road.

Well, I guess the next step is obvious.

Right, we kill him.

Then we rip his face off.

Then we put it back on upside down.

You subscribe to Drawn and Quarterly, don't you?

think we should go out tonight after all? Did I mention I have a trapeze?

The truth is I'm afraid.

I have a net.

Dan, let me be honest.

I know that your remarkable presence, your obvious virility, would persuade me

to abandon my oath of celibacy and regress into the hot animal passions I

once expressed so freely.

Gotta go. Bye.

Then it abandons me there.

I need satisfaction and I need it now.

I understand.

You want to be alone?

Yes, yes.

Yes, I understand.

Come in.

to excuse me, Monsignor. The good, the bad, and the ugly just dropped by.

Well, can I get you folks anything?

Coffee? Tea?

Noose?

Mr. Thursby, I'm Judge Harold T. Stone. Judge Stone, it's a pleasure to meet

you, sir. I've heard so much of your outstanding humanistic work on the

bench. Oh, yeah?

Well, thanks.

Well, I can assume you're here to discuss the matter of...

Miss Sullivan's dismissal. You bet we are. I'm very glad to hear that. I'd

like to do whatever I can to rectify the matter. Oh, yeah? Well, thanks again.

How am I doing? Oh, you got him on the ropes, sir.

Give me a chance.

Here. What's this?

That's a copy of the letter we've written to the Judicial Review Board. It

charges you with sexual harassment.

I see.

Well, then...

Perhaps you'd better take a look at this.

It's a letter I'm sending to the review board.

You mean she sexually harassed you, too?

If you're not getting enough air, I can open a window.

Wait a minute.

Why are you sending a letter to the board?

Well, it tells my side of things. Even the innocent sometimes need a good

defense. And just what do you need a defense against, Thursby?

Wrongful accusations.

Hasty conclusions.

Getting my face ripped off.

Thursby, answer me this.

Did you or did you not tell Miss Sullivan that you wanted to spend time

with her after work?

Well, I did. Uh-huh.

And did you or did you not tell her that her job was involved?

I did? Aha!

And did you or did you not plan to demand sexual favors from her?

No, I planned to offer her promotion.

Ah!

Huh?

Promotion?

Absolutely. Judge Stone, I'm new at this job.

Everyone in this department is just a piece of paper to me.

Now, what kind of a manager would I be if I made an important and pressing

decision like this?

Merely on the basis of a resume.

I asked Miss Sullivan to meet with me only to make sure she was as impressive

in person as she is on her record.

Thursby, this good guy act of yours is as phony as this picture of your kid.

Look at that. Doesn't even look like him.

Fernando is my foster child in San Salvador.

The picture was taken after his second operation.

Much more of this and I'll go out with the guy.

Here's a copy of the promotion recommendation I sent to my superiors.

Look, when you mentioned sexual harassment, I may have overreacted by

firing you.

But as a lawyer, I don't have to tell you the kind of damage wrongful

accusation can do.

It can destroy a man's life.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me?

I have accused an innocent man.

Uh, hello? Hello? I'm sorry, what was that?

I made a mistake.

A mistake?

As in a boo-boo? I'm sorry.

You're sorry.

Did you hear that? She's sorry.

I stood by you. I believed in you. I trusted you. And here I am looking like

a complete... Yutz.

Thanks. Oh, don't mention it.

Look, I understand completely. Judge Stone, you thought you were protecting a

friend.

I admire that.

Yeah, well, I guess I'll be flinking out of here now.

It's been my pleasure.

Are you coming?

Yeah, in a minute. I think I should apologize to Mr. Thursby.

No.

Really?

Well, when you're done groveling here, why don't you slither down to my office

with whatever shred of dignity you have left so I can stomp on it?

Good day, Mr. Thursby.

Good day, Judge Stone.

Mr. Thursby, I'm sorry I thought about ripping your face off.

Me too.

Mr. Thursby, I feel awful. Oh, no, that's all right.

Oh, no, it's not all right.

If I had persisted with these accusations, you'd think what might have

happened. Oh, you're really a wonderful man.

Adopting this sweet young child.

Actually, it's not that young.

Wait a minute.

This is Herve Villachez.

I'll admit the resemblance is striking.

And that's Ricardo Montalban in the background.

I never thought anybody would look at it through a magnifying glass.

Did you look? to me.

I do that sometimes.

Don't you come one step closer.

Or what?

After crying wolf a few minutes ago, your credibility is shot.

Isn't it, Christine?

The minute I laid eyes on you, I knew I'd have you.

Admit it, Christine.

You're glad I did that.

As a matter of fact, Mr. Thursby, I am.

That's sick.

I like it.

Okay.

Are you all right? I'm fine.

Did he grab you? Oh, it was just like one of the nightmares I've had about

Dan.

Down, boy. Down.

Heel.

Go wait outside.

I promise we'll save you the face.

evidence. You have no evidence of anything. It's my word against hers.

Oh, well, that would be true, Mr. Thursby, if it weren't for Dr.

Congo's pendicurical self-fabricating comedy hand-tout.

They're insane!

They called me mad at the university.

You don't know Dr.

Congo's Thursby? It's a great gag, really. You pick it up in any novelty

store. It's a powder. You put it on some thing, like an envelope.

And then you hand that envelope to someone.

Now, when their sweat gets on it, things start working.

About five minutes later, anything they've touched is going to turn bright

red.

Kind of like your face just now.

Getting a little sweaty, are we, Mr. Thursby?

Let's wait this one out for a couple of minutes, just for laughs.

What do you say?

Okay.

Okay. What do you want?

I am going to file formal charges.

And we are going to get you out of this job, out of this office, and out of this

profession. You can count on it. Okay.

No female talks to me like that.

I'll go where I want to go when I'm damned good and ready.

I'm ready now.

Hey!

That was a pretty nifty little scheme of yours, Miss Sullivan. Oh, well, I

couldn't have done it without your help, sir.

No, I owe it all to Dr.

Kongos. Guess you could say we caught him red-handed in the end, huh?

I don't see a handprint. What?

I don't see a handprint.

Are you sure?

Oh, look all you want, but there's no handprint.

Wait a minute.

He's right. There's nothing there.

I mean, there's something there, but there's no handprint.

Well, what happened?

Well, this isn't the envelope I put the powder on.

It's not?

No. Roz must have given that envelope to someone else.