Original subtitles

Court finds the defendant guilty of solicitation for prostitution.

$50 fine.

Next case.

Let's go, Miss Kitty.

May I say that even though the able Judge Stone is still on vacation, your

sense of sure, swift justice, along with that...

haunting fragrance has

more than filled the void.

Is he always such a bootlicker?

Shine old is Dan's favorite flavor.

Our next case, people versus Father Luke Murray.

Yes, Your Honor, this is a destruction of public property charge. The police

were called to find Father Cool Hand Luke here, severing the heads off of

parking meters in front of his parish church.

I did it. I did it. I'm guilty. Forgive me, please.

Defense?

Right out the window after that.

Those meters were forcing my elderly parishioners to walk too far.

I guess I must have snapped.

Got a little hot under the collar, did we?

Your Holiness.

A moment, please, Your Honor, to counsel the good father on his plea.

Father, do you want to change your plea?

No. Then guilty it is. $25 fine plus repairs to the meters. Wait, no!

Please, not yet. You can't do that. Just give me five more minutes. I'm sure I

can get through to him. You've had your opportunity.

Your Honor, Judge Stone would give me the chance.

So would your mommy.

But she's not here either.

Next case.

Right this way, Father.

What's next, Mr. Robinson? Excuse me, Judge Gardner. I can't believe what I

just saw here. You rushed my client through like a bullet train.

Miss Sullivan, any more of this and I'll fight you for contempt.

But he didn't have a prayer.

$50, none of the word about the case.

Your Honor, he was denied it. $100.

But he... $200. Your Honor, you... $300.

Sold, American.

Got kind of caught up in the spirit.

Let me warn you, Counselor. Any more of this and the next step will be jail.

Hey, Bull.

Hi, Your Honor. I thought you were on vacation.

I just got back. What's new?

The cafeteria raised the price of donuts and nickel.

Excuse me, do you have the time?

Time?

You got your nerve, you rancid piece of mattress ticking.

Time?

You'll roast to the fires of hell before you get the time of day from me.

Women in cages.

God, I love this job.

They treating you okay?

Under the circumstances.

Good.

Hungry for a man yet?

Dan. Listen, I know how needs can build up over time.

Dan, I've only been in here a half an hour.

Poor baby.

Hi, guys. Your Honor. Hi, Harry. Welcome back.

Thought I'd drop by and see how the other half lived.

Yeah, like galley slaves.

Sweating and full of fire.

Personally.

So, how was your vacation?

Oh, terrific.

I followed the route that Mel Torme took with the Chico Marx band in the 42 Tour.

From Chicago to L.A. in the footprints of the velvet fog.

I stayed in the dingiest dives. I ate in the greasiest spoons.

Of course, I was so excited I couldn't keep anything down.

Sounds like a dream come true.

I'd love to hear about it somehow, if I ever get out of here alive.

Ah, yeah, I did notice that you've moved since we spoke last.

I don't believe that, Judge.

I was just trying to get a little more time with my client. I was just fighting

for his rights, and bam!

You were nagging her, weren't you?

I was just fighting for my client's rights to full benefit of counsel. I

wanted him to have the same chance that you. I was nagging her.

But I was nagging her with a purpose.

Yeah, well, even so, if I were you, I'd look for the first opportunity to

apologize.

Well, you are not me.

And Christine Sullivan will never apologize to Queenie the quick-draw

gavel-banger. Never, never, never!

Well, as long as you keep an open mind.

Miss Sullivan, a cockroach and a rat walked up to a bar. Sir, I'm not in the

mood for jokes.

No, no, no. A cockroach and a rat just walked up to that bar.

I can't overrule her, but I could talk to her, you know, judge to judge, try to

explain things.

But don't you dare apologize to her for me.

I wouldn't think of it.

Maybe I can catch her before dinner breaks.

Excuse me, do you have the time?

Time?

You gut your nerve, you piece of dog meat.

Time? You choke on your last breath before I give you the time of day.

You know, there's a maximum law that states silence implies consent, which

explains my incredible success rate at singles bars.

You know, Judge Gardner, I've worked in many, many a courtroom with many, many a

judge, but I must say your sense of jurisprudence, remarkable.

So, what are we having for lunch there, huh?

I heard Judge Gardner might be here. Yeah, she's over there chewing her cud.

Hi.

I'm Harry Stone.

You like the tie, don't you? I don't blame you.

This is my favorite. This one glows in the dark and says, kiss me, you fool.

Bailiff?

Uh, no, I don't think you understand. You see, I... Do you have this geek

removed?

Sure. Come on, Your Honor.

Your Honor.

Oh, my God, you're not Judge Harold Stone.

Yes, the geek in question.

Thank you, Bailiff. Yes, ma'am.

Bull, would you have really have thrown me out?

We'll never know, will we?

I thought you weren't supposed to report back to the bench until Monday.

Oh, I'm just here to check my mail and come back down off Cloud Nine.

I've spent the last ten days tracing the musical legacy of Mel Torme.

Why?

Because he happens to be the greatest talent this country has ever produced.

You know that Mel Torme once held a note so long that it shattered a glass with

such force that the shards penetrated human flesh.

Ah, but I see you're eating.

Judge Gardner, I'm really here to ask you if you'd talk to me about Christine

Sullivan. I'd rather not discuss your case. But I... I said I'd rather not

discuss the case.

Oh.

Okay, sorry to bother you.

Judge Stone.

I'm sorry to sound so cold. I'm a new judge, and I just tend to be a bit

guarded. Well, no offense, but it wouldn't hurt you to loosen up a little

bit. I just wanted to talk.

Fine.

Say.

Eight o'clock?

My place?

For drinks.

And bring the tie.

Hi, guys.

Hi, sir. Judge.

Would you mind if I have a few moments alone with Miss Sullivan?

I'm sure she could spare the time.

Cheer up. There's rumors of spam balls for lunch.

When you said you'd be right back, I assumed you meant the same day.

Yeah, well, I apologize for that. You know how time flies when you're having

fun.

They de-lossed me, sir!

I did notice that hint of mint.

So, did you see the judge?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, what did she say about my case?

Say, did you see that Wild Kingdom special last night?

What did she say?

Well, actually, Eve and I never got around to discussing your case.

Eve?

It's her first name.

It's a palindrome.

What? That's one of those words you can spell backwards or forwards the same.

Huh? Huh. That's a good one. Huh. H-U-H.

Huh.

Sir. Okay, all right.

I might as well be honest about this.

Eve and I... We had a sort of date, kind of.

You and Eve had a sort of date, kind

of?

Oh, well, that's fantastic. That's really very nice, sir. Why didn't you

sleep with her while you were at it?

Neither of us actually slept.

I want details. I want sights. I want sounds. I want photos if you got them.

Dan. All right, okay, okay.

Just tell me one thing.

Is she... dicked?

Dan, you go ahead and you have your fun, but I want this thing kept in

confidence. You got that?

No human will ever know.

Put her there, stud.

I said no human will ever know.

Guilty as charged, $90 in time served.

Next case.

Excuse me.

Aren't you the judge that... Yes, yes, I did it.

I slept with her.

We made love in exciting ways all...

Ask if you were the judge that spoke to our church group last night.

Yeah,

I did that too.

Call the next case.

Christine Sullivan.

Held over on her contempt charge.

As is customary in these cases, I've ordered you back to give you the

opportunity to apologize at his court.

Your Honor.

I just want to say that something I believe in is far more important than my

comfort. And no matter what others may do, I personally cannot bring myself to

compromise a principle.

So what you're saying then is that... I'd sooner my body was covered with

weeping sores than apologize to you.

Your Honor, may I approach the bench as a friend of the court?

I'd like to see you alone in my office. I bet you would.

Judd Stone, can this wait?

I'm afraid it can't. It has a direct bearing on this case.

All right.

The court will take a short recess.

Believe it or not, I'm doing this for you.

Well, try not to call out my name. It's considered bad form.

How long are you two going to be adjudicating each other?

Cheap shot, Mac.

Thank you.

Looking for somebody?

What do you think?

I like it.

I could surprise you with this later, but you just couldn't wait, could you?

Well, actually, Eve, I didn't ask you here for personal reasons.

Then why did you ask me here, bumper?

Talk?

Didn't anyone ever tell you it's not polite to talk with your mouth full?

What did you want to say?

I forgot.

Did you bring it?

How did you get it past the guards?

Would you first...

flow when you're talking.

Let's forget my nasal passages, huh?

I want to talk to you about Miss Sullivan.

She's got certain qualities that you should be aware of.

She's boisterous, nagging, and bullheaded.

You're aware of them.

But that's not the whole picture.

Now, the Miss Sullivan I know, she's... Well, she's the type who still believes

you can change the world with a smile or a kind word or trying to treat someone

with decency.

Common respect.

He probably does deserve to be locked up.

Harry. Eve, Eve.

It is real important to me that you try to understand Miss Sullivan the way I

do.

There was a time not long ago, we had this band of homeless vagrants in our

court, and Miss Sullivan, she took them to her apartment.

And to her own apartment.

Now, what kind of person does things like that?

A jerk?

Yeah, they robbed her blind.

But that just goes to show how deep her compassion and her conviction runs.

You talk about flaring nostrils?

When that girl starts arguing, her little suckers, they're flapping and

flying all over.

So...

What are you going to do about it?

What am I going to do about what?

The crush you have on her.

Crush me on Miss Sullivan? No.

You do.

Oh, come on, Eve.

I saw it in your eyes.

Just now.

Well, that's probably some dried gunk.

Really, that's the silliest thing I ever heard.

Is it?

Yeah. Come here.

Okay.

Think of her.

Okay. Now kiss me.

Oh, God. Oh, baby.

Oh, God.

No.

It's not possible.

I'm a judge.

She's a lawyer. You're a man. She's a woman. Okay, technically it's possible.

You know, if I thought it would do any good, I'd put up a fight, Harry.

But I know better.

I've seen that look before.

Harry,

you're quite a guy.

You're compassionate, you're charming, and you're taken.

Ms. Sullivan?

Well, if it isn't Judge Oliver Wendell Hormone.

Excuse me, I have to go rinse out my Slendeross.

This I gotta see.

Ms.

Sullivan, I want you... I want you to know that Eve and I are not seeing each

other anymore.

Oh, a spat over a constitutional interpretation?

No.

In fact, she made me realize something, and it's something that concerns you.

What, that I'm the only one showering down here without a tattoo?

Is that pledge?

You said you would help me, and you deserted me. I needed you, and you

forgot about me.

I'll tell you something, friends like that I don't need.

But...

Judge Gardner said you're free to go your release paper should be down here

in an hour So I guess that makes two things I'm pretty good at

Excuse

me, please.

Do you have the time?

We get some strange ones down here.

Woman troubles, eh?

May I?

An ancient legend tells of the man who thought himself too strong and wise to

show his inner feelings.

So when he had a problem, he shielded himself in a cloak.

until one day he suffocated under the weight of his dismay.

You know, you're right.

I can't keep this inside.

I have to talk to her.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I got something to say to you, and I have to say it now, so please, please

listen to me.

It has recently come to my attention that I have some feelings for

you, and I'm confused by them.

So I have to sort them out.

And for that, I'm going to need time.