All language subtitles for S05E22 - Danny got his Gun 1

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, the
entertainment event of a

lifetime.

I just didn't get any sleep last night.
I kept having the most amazing dream.

Was anyone I know in them?

Yes.

Orville Redenbacher.

I'm sure I'm going to hate myself for
asking, but what was it about?

Well, first he gave me this magic bow
tie, and then the next thing I knew, we

were flying together over the popcorn
fields of Indiana.

You know, many experts feel that dreams
of flying indicate a repressed sexual

desire.

So how does Orville like it? With butter
or without?

I had a heck of a nightmare last week.

There was this giant boa constrictor
wrapped around my neck and I couldn't

breathe.

Luckily, it turned out I just swallowed
my pajama tops.

Last night I dreamed I was at a driving
range hitting a bucket of cocktail

weenies.

I don't know, but my knees just slammed
together.

Have you seen Dan?

Yesterday he promised he'd let me scrape
out his hairbrush.

Phil, why do you let Dan do that to you?
He treats you like moth droppings and

you wait on him hand and foot.

Oh, you don't know him like I do.

Just last week he let me watch him eat
lunch.

He even threw me a piece of fat he
couldn't finish chewing.

And they gave Bishop Tutu the Nobel
Prize.

Hey, where is Dan? We should be getting
started.

Oh, he's probably in his closet
recharging his hydraulic pleasure

enhancer.

Boy, one day with Orville and his Hello
Sailor.

Well, I can tell you one thing. I'm
getting sick and tired of waiting around

for Dan every night. And I'm going to
have his head for a paperweight if he

doesn't have...

One whopper of an excuse.

Captain Dan Fielding reporting for duty.

Sir.

What can I say? The guy's good.

You know, Dan, you can get into a lot of
trouble impersonating a military

officer. So happens I am an officer in
the United States Army Reserves.

Get out of here!

It's true. As a matter of fact, I've
been in the reserves for five years. I

mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a
month, two weeks every summer.

Like going to the bathroom.

about this before.

Quite frankly, I didn't think it was any
of your business, sir.

Paul, I'm talking to Dan.

Well, you know, there are lots of things
about my life I haven't told you.

Yes, and believe me, we're grateful.

Well, why the reserve?

Why not?

I earn a little extra money.

It looks great on my resume. Chance to
do something for my country.

Besides that, when the babes see this
uniform, it's Yankee Diddle Danny.

Come on, guys. We've got to get back to
work. Harry, I can't. I have an

emergency meeting. That's why I'm in
uniform.

Well, if you've got to go, you've got to
go. We'll phone in for a replacement.

Thanks.

So why would the reserves have an
emergency meeting?

I'm not at liberty to discuss it. It's a
matter of national security.

Didn't tell you, huh? Not a word.

Here you go, Dan.

Your shoes are done.

Great.

What the hell did you do to these
things? You said you wanted them spit

-shined.

The replacement from the DA's office was
supposed to be here an hour ago. I don't

know, sir. They said Miss Chaney was
sent a long time ago.

Miss Chaney?

Sounds like we got ourselves a
prosecutor.

Get it, Mac?

Prosecutor.

You know, sir, I got a new system. I
save them all up and laugh at the end of

the month.

Gus, did you hear that? We're getting a
woman. Isn't that great?

What's the difference?

Well, it'll be nice. to finally have a
DA that doesn't snap my bra strap in the

middle of the case.

Ooh, ooh, that must be her.

Hi! Welcome aboard.

I'm Christine, and this is Roz.

And I can't tell you how happy we are to
have another girl in the courtroom.

You're a virgin, aren't you?

That is none of your business.

And I'm not a virgin.

I've had plenty of... You know what?

This hickey show.

I just spent 20 minutes in the broom
closet with a guy who could suck the

dimples off a golf ball.

Nice to meet you, too.

And that must be Jiminy Cricket.

I hear he's one of those cornballs who's
always pulling coins out of people's

ears. Miss Chaney?

Only me, too. Really? Well, I have to
admit, you've always been an idol of

mine. Grab your hip boots. It's going to
be running chin deep tonight.

Well, Miss Chaney, it looks like you've
got something behind your ear.

What? How did you do that?

That's absolutely fantastic.

Well... You're just as cute as a bug.

I mean, if it's appropriate for me to
say so.

You get the feeling that she and Dan
were separated at birth?

Don't worry about a thing, Ross. She
won't get anywhere. Harry hates people

sucking up to him.

Oh, I don't know if I really qualify as
a hunk.

That's what everyone says, sir.

Well, who am I to argue with everyone?

I can't believe you're letting her get
away with all that poop.

What poop?

That poop about you being brilliant and
handsome. I mean, get real.

Sir.

Hi, guys. Hey, Dan.

How'd the meeting go?

Ah, same old thing. Bunch of pot-bellied
insurance salesmen standing around

saluting each other.

Lecture on hygiene.

And about 15 minutes of good-natured
khaki grabbing.

That was your big emergency meeting?
Well, there was one other thing, sir.

I'm going to need some time off.

Well, sure. When?

Immediately. I have a two-week
assignment overseas.

Well, that sounds neat. Where are you
going?

To a war zone.

I can't believe that anyone would want
to send Dan Fielding to a war zone.

Except as bait.

All right. Yeah, this is good.

This is perfect. They can't find me.
They can't send me.

Dan, what are you talking about?

I can live right here in the corner. Put
a big tapestry up. We can be roommates.

Nobody will ever find me, okay?

Dan, you've got to calm down.

Calm down?

Man, do you realize by this time
tomorrow my eyeballs could be staring

out the back end of a buzzard?

Tomorrow? That soon, huh?

Yes.

A major from Special Forces is coming
here tonight to hand me my orders.

Special forces?

That's the Green Berets.

The Green Berets?

Wow! Remember their song?

Fighting soldiers from the sky.

Fearless men who jump and die.

I bet you really killed them at the
Mussolini roast, didn't you?

Dan, if you haven't even gotten orders
yet, what makes you think that you're

going to a war zone?

They gave me a gun, a parachute.

and a Spanish-English dictionary.

Maybe they need a security guard at a
really hard-to-get-to Puerto Rican

Kmart.

Well, those termites have finally broken
through the top layer.

I cannot believe this is happening. I
cannot die.

I don't look good in a coffin.

Trust me, I know.

All right, do me a favor.

Take this down.

Dear sirs, please excuse Danny from
combat. We need him here to keep the

streets safe for democracy.

You're not writing.

Dan, you are asking me to defraud the
government of the United States.

Is he a beautiful man or what?

Harry? Yes, Wanda? I was wondering how
long we have before we get started

because I wanted to visit a sick friend.

I'd say we have about ten minutes.

gets a sponge bath.

Who was that?

That's your replacement.

That's terrific. I'm not even cold in my
grave yet and you've replaced me.

Dan, until you get orders that specify
some war zone, I think it's ridiculous

of you to speculate like this.

Besides, Dan, dying's not so bad.

I've done it myself a couple of times.

I am not going to go through with this.

Dan, when you signed up for the service,
did it ever occur to you that combat

just might be a possibility?

It's the reserves, Harry. The worst I
expected was an unflattering haircut.

I don't want to die just having this
kind of life.

It may not have occurred to you people,
but I haven't led the most fulfilling

of lifestyles.

It's occurred to us.

I mean, if I should die tomorrow, what
would I leave behind?

What kind of legacy would I have?

Nothing.

Be like I was never even here.

Of course you realize this means you
have to sleep with me now.

Dan. Really, like the movies. You know,
I die and you find out you have a baby

Danny in the oven.

Yeah, just like Rosemary's baby.

Dan, I do feel for you.

But you accepted this responsibility and
now you're just going to have to see it

through. Either that or you're going to
have some really serious consequences to

face.

Not if I think of something better.

I can't do that, Dan. Yeah, sure you
can, Velcrohead. Come on, just pop me

one.

Come on!

You're an evolutionary U-turn, you know
that, buddy?

Your face belongs on a box of radiation
flakes.

Your mother conceived you in the back
seat of a...

You're just upset.

Don't worry.

In a couple of days when the bullets are
whizzing past your skull, you'll have

forgotten the whole thing.

Great, fine. Don't help me, you gaseous
Godzilla.

I'm going to find a way out of this if I
have to wet every bed from here to Fort

Dix.

They cannot make me fight.

Makes you proud to be an American,
doesn't he?

Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, it's a real good
thing that your parents brought you in

to talk to me. Because if you're in a
restaurant, even if they don't want to

buy you ice cream, you still cannot take
hostages.

So I'm going to hold on to your
Destructo Ray gun laser until you learn

to use it responsibly.

have to enjoy you as long as I can
before the Supreme Court snaps you up.

Got a problem, Miss Sullivan?

Sure, I'm so sorry. Something just went
down the wrong pipe.

Out of the way, out of the way.

Holy cow, Dan, what did you do to
yourself?

I think I wasted 40 bucks on things
about two sizes too small.

is that getup?

You like it?

It's what all the in-invalids are
wearing this year.

You'll never get away with this, Dan.

You don't think so, huh?

Well, I got x-rays that say different.

According to these, you've got a bell
around your neck and four stomach.

What?

Well, if it's any consolation, your
udder is looking good.

Oh, Bull, Bull, would you please, come
on, give me a visible wound somewhere?

It's tempting, but no.

You remember... Remember when you found
your Gumby doll stuck in your tuna

sandwich?

You kept wondering who did it?

Well, it was me, Yogurt Brain.

Sorry.

Fine, go ahead.

Abandon me.

Dan, give it up. Never. I have not yet
begun to weasel. Excuse me.

Captain Dan Fielding? No, but I'll tell
him you're looking for him. Yeah, that's

Captain Fielding.

Yes, I'm sorry. I sometimes forget who I
am.

Must be the malaria I contracted
recently.

Malaria?

I got malaria on Guam back in 45.

Great disease.

Nothing like puking your way through a
set of one-handed push-ups.

I brought your order, sir.

What is all that crap you're wearing?

Ah, this? Nothing. It's nothing. I was
driving to work and I was hit head-on.

And Sideswipe.

Your commanding officer's not going to
like this.

Major Savage!

Oh, my sweet pup!

Captain Fielding, Major Savage.

Whoa, talk about being all you can be.

Fielding?

You're supposed to salute a superior
officer.

Trust me, I am.

Sorry. Sorry, ma'am.

What the hell's wrong with you?

A little problem with his spine.

He doesn't have one.

That's right. It was removed surgically.
But if you have four or five good guys

to hold me up, I'm ready for combat.

I wish I could be sure of that.

I need a healthy man with me on Cabo San
Cabo.

Cabo San Cabo?

You mean you were going to send Dan to
some Caribbean island?

That's right.

Operation Sunscreen.

The two of us were going to find a site
for a military listening post.

It's all there in your order.

your uniform, soldier.

The indigenous population wears very
little clothing, if any at all. We, of

course, wanted to blend right in.

That's too bad, Fielding.

I was really looking forward to having
you serve under me.

Wait. I feel better.

Yes, yes, I can stand.

I can walk.

I can mumble.

Must be one of those 24-hour spinal
injuries.

So are you saying you're all right,
Fielding?

I'm saying, ma'am, that I think by
tomorrow, I'll be able to fill this

uniform in a way that'll make you proud
of me.

I like your attitude, soldier.

You sound pretty rugged.

Not bad.

But did you ever dig a piece of shrapnel
out of your skull with a penknife?

You got me there.

But enough of this chit-chat. We've got
a nation to defend.

Sir, we're off to the front.

Yoo-hoo, Dan.

Oh, there you are, my sweet.

You're looking lovely tonight.

Um, it's me, Phil. I don't need it
anymore. Get lost.

Uh, lost?

Yes, I am lost when I'm in your arms, my
little pal.

Who is this?

Nobody. Absolutely nobody. Look, here's
a dime. Go get yourself a nice cup of

razor blades.

Ben, please.

I'm sorry about our little spat.

If you want the parlor done in French
provincial, so be it.

Shut up!

What's this all about?

It's not what you think. I paid him.

That's even more disgusting.

I paid him to say those things so that I
could get out of combat.

Uh-oh.

Sergeant Foster, I think we've got us a
shirker here.

Let me take care of him, ma'am.

All I need is a grenade and a funnel.

No, I've got something much better in
mind for him.

I hope you like cold weather.

No, I chafe easily. Too bad, because
you... are going to be spending the next

14 days in the Arctic Circle.

Sergeant Foster.

Yes, ma'am. Give the captain his new
orders.

And bundle up.

Jack Frost will be nipping a lot more
than your nose.

No, listen.

I'll take these.

The Arctic Circle? What the hell is
there to do in the Arctic Circle?

You're going to help give physicals to
polar bears.

for the stars.

Here you go, Dan.

I know you'll do the noble thing. Oh,
yeah.

The Arctic Circle.

Oh, come on, Dan. It could be a lot
worse. Oh, right, worse. How the hell

could it be any worse?

Dan, I've decided I just can't turn my
back on you and your hour of need.

Thanks, Bull, but it's not necessary.
No, you don't, Bull. You don't, no,

Bull. Wait!

No words are necessary.

That look on your face is thanks enough.

Here's that file you asked about, Your
Honor. Thank you, Wanda.

Say, do you lift weights?

No, why?

Well, you always have those robes on, so
I never noticed before what a great

build you have.

Well, gee, thanks.

Don't mention it.

I can't stand it anymore.

What are you talking about? I am talking
about all the sucking up that's going on

around here.

Sucking up?

Yes. The compliments. The coin behind
the ear that...

Your Honor, she's taking advantage of
you.

You really think so?

I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe
it.

Well, let's find out.

Wanda, are you really saying these
things to me just to suck up?

Okay.

Satisfied? How could I have been such a
fool?

Phil, are you okay?

Dan, Dan, Dan.

It seems like only yesterday you were
here.

Phil, it was yesterday.

Well, I can't wait for him to get back
either.

Oh, my God. Did I say that?

Is there a Harry Stone here? That would
be me. I got a telegram for you. Oh,

swell. Is it a singing telegram?

Afraid not.

You know, I got a neat idea.

Why don't you just sing it to me anyway?

I'd rather not. Come on.

I've always wanted a singing telegram.

It's strictly against policy.

It would mean a lot to me.

Sorry. There'd be a big tip in it for
you. Okay.

The U.S. Army sadly stayed sometime
yesterday.

Captain Fielding's plane went down north
of Hudson Bay.

Although a body has not been found, he's
presumed dead at the scene.

Merrily, merrily, merrily.