All language subtitles for S05E17 - Heart of Stone

I cannot believe he is going to make us
go through with this. It is totally

unfair.

Yep, but I don't see anything we can do
about it.

Well, we could bring him up on charges
of harassment, but in the end it would

just be his word against ours.

Let's just hope he forgot about it. Hey,
guys, our bowling shirts arrived.

He didn't forget.

Just in time for the big tournament
tonight, huh?

Ah, sir, about the bowling.

Gosh darn, I'd like to go, but...

I just got word.

My mother was eaten by wolves.

Well, nothing eases the loss of a loved
one like making that 7-10 split, am I

right?

What do you think of the shirts?

Ah, turquoise and black, just in time
for spring.

Got one for each of us.

The bowling stones.

Get it? The rolling stones?

Harry Stone?

Get it?

Best joke in all of bowling, sir.

Can't believe I'm going to spend Friday
night crushing beer cans with a bunch of

guys named Floyd watching the top of
their butts stick out of their pants.

You know what I'd do? See from how far
away you can toss in a peanut.

Sir, your new bowling ball is ready. Oh,
swell.

rolling down the alley, they're going to
throw up their pretzels.

Harry, please don't make us do this
thing.

Oh, come on, guys. Settle down.

It is not just our personal reputations
at stake. As the official night court

team, we represent the integrity of the
entire American judicial system as it

pertains to bowling.

Who are we playing?

The Sisters of Mercy Orphanage.

We'll kick their little butts.

Well, your point is well taken, and
while it is true that all the world

loves a clown,

it's still illegal to make them pay for
it.

$100 fine.

I hear she gives the greatest show on
earth.

Court's adjourned. It's bowling time,
people!

Slap a band-aid on it and suit up, Dan.

We start in 15 minutes.

Gee, can you believe that guy, Mac?

Shocking, sir.

It hurts my arm just thinking about it.

If you'd lost it entirely, maybe.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Harry Stone.

That's me.

I haven't seen you since school. You
look great.

You're looking pretty good yourself
there.

You ever get your master's? Yeah. You
ever start shaving?

Sometimes twice a week.

Oh, please.

Listen, I was in the city on business. I
hope you don't mind me stopping in. Are

you kidding? Come on, I'll buy you
dinner. Great.

Sir, sir, what about the tournament?

You guys start without me. I'll join you
later.

In the meantime, I want you all to bowl
as if your jobs depended on it.

And, uh, Dan, if you are entertaining
any thoughts about sneaking out,

Bull has prepared a demonstration which
I think will enlighten you.

Your squish is my command.

Oh,

Harry. You know, I always knew you'd
stick... Seed, but a municipal court

judge. You've really done something with
your life, you know? Got a responsible

position, respect, a severed human head.

Like this, it's my own idea.

Headphones.

Hey, Judge, your suit of armor's ready.

Hey, Mario, did you get all the goldfish
out of it?

Well, it took a lot of work, but I fixed
it as good as new.

Oops.

I guess you're, uh... Codpiece needs
some minor adjustment.

Mario, could you... Could you

maybe finish that in the hall?

You know, in the old days, they used to
do this while you were still wearing it.

I guess that's kind of why the age of
chivalry kind of ground to a halt.

that becoming a judge hasn't diminished
your sense of playfulness.

That's what was so good about having you
for a friend, Harry. It was great to

have somebody around I could be nuts
with.

I could never do that with a lover.

No.

Lovers come and go, but a good friend is
forever.

Kiss me. You bet.

Ah.

When did you have your tonsils out?

Haven't seen each other in years. I
don't know where you've been, what

you've been doing.

Here's my rhythm, eh? Good enough for
me.

Take me, Harry.

Right here.

Whoa, I'm not sure this is right. This
is a judge's chamber, you know. I mean,

technically it belongs to the people.
It's just entrusted to me.

You've got 20 minutes, Harry. Right.

Now you know. I want you, Harry.

I want you.

Now.

As luck would have it, I'm free.

I want to turn you into a quivering
puddle of spent flesh.

I got no problems with that.

Don't go nowhere.

Tell me, when will you be mine?

I want to do something crazy here. You
want to be crazy.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Let's be crazy.

That isn't exactly what I had in mind.

I thought you wanted to be crazy.

Well, yeah, but there are other things
to consider.

Like what?

Like that.

Who the hell could that be at this hour?
I don't know.

I just hope it isn't my husband.

Me too.

and was it going to come up when he
busted through the door and shot me?

Hola, this is the cleaning lady.

That's very good, Judge.

I got your suit of armor all squared
away.

Oh, Mario, great. Just leave it out
there and go away.

I can't leave it out here.

Well, then, come back in ten minutes. I
should be done with my briefs.

Sure. Always left holding the codpiece.

I'm sensing that you're not in the mood
anymore.

Of course I'm not in the mood anymore.
How am I supposed to be in the mood

anymore? Hey, it's not because of me, is
it?

No, it's not because of you.

You're going on.

Is that the robe?

No.

It's just me and my shadow.

Don't you want to come back in?

I think I'll just hang out here.

Somebody's knocking on the door.

Well, don't say anything and they'll go
away.

Good, he's not there.

Prepare to be bull.

Judge's office.

How did you get a key?

Well, when the judge wasn't looking, I
borrowed his and made a wax impression

of it.

Oh, wouldn't he be mad if he finds out?
Hey, what Howdy Doody doesn't know won't

hurt me.

Oh, Dan, what a coincidence we would
mate.

Two people who both like to do it in
exotic places.

Not coincidence.

Kismet. Oh, it's too bad we both already
did it in a bowling alley. Yeah, wasn't

it? What was your favorite place?

On a rooftop at the Macy's Parade,
you... In the Macy's Parade.

You know, it didn't surprise me when Dan
sneaked out, but what happened to Harry?

This whole bowling match was his idea.
He didn't even show up. Yeah, he missed

me and me get eight strikes in a row.

Too bad none of them were in your lane.

He's probably not even here. He probably
forgot about us and left.

He was here ten minutes ago.

You saw him? No, I heard him. For some
reason, he wouldn't let me in.

Really? Christine, wait.

What for?

Well, the last time we saw Harry, he was
with that woman.

She was pretty nice looking, and, well,
you know...

Oh.

Oh, so you think that they might be...

Somebody's at the door, Danny.

Don't worry about it. They'll go away.

Nobody there.

I can't leave this suit out here. Could
somebody open the door for me? Sure.

Stand back.

Bull,

why don't you just use your path key?

Given enough time, that would have
occurred to me.

The orchestra pit at Carnegie Hall?

The monkey cage at the Bronx Zoo.

Oh, you're kidding.

Me tossing. You lucky.

Somebody's coming in.

Get under the deck.

Oh, Danny, our clone.

That's for all the needy children,
sister. I'll get a receipt later.

What's going on here?

Where's Judge Stone?

He's, uh, out on the ledge.

Come on, you expect me to believe a
municipal court judge is cowering out on

a ledge?

That's what he's doing, all right.

Good evening, sir.

Hi there, Mac.

Suppose you're wondering why I'm naked
out here on the ledge. Oh, no, sir, no,

sir. I was wondering if I needed a
flash.

I got your cart piece ready.

Whoa, just in time.

Uh, sir, you want to put on something
more comfortable?

You don't really have to enjoy this so
much. Oh, yes, I do, sir.

What the hell is going on here?

That's what I'd like to know.

Who are you?

I'm a husband.

Whose husband?

The half-naked one.

On the left.

You're married?

Boy, you must be a really open-minded
guy.

Who's Harry Stone?

That would be me.

That reminds me, I gotta pick up some
huggies for the baby.

What are you doing with my wife? Hey,
wait a minute. I can explain this whole

thing. That's right, and I'll vouch for
everything he says.

it wasn't like that, I swear. I was just
gonna sleep with his wife.

No, I wasn't gonna sleep with your wife.

I mean, I mean, I was gonna sleep with
your wife, but you weren't supposed to

know about it.

I don't know where this is going, but I
got dibs on the movie rights.

See, as soon as I found out that she was
married, then I went to get my clothes

on, but they had been thrown out the
window when I reached out to get my

robe, which was hanging from the
scaffold, then my underwear got caught

on a nail, and then they blew away.

I hate when that happens.

And then this guy came in with a key
that Howdy Doody did not give him.

Boy, this has been grand, but we have a
clothing optional RV show to get to.

Hey, Dan, you're going out dressed like
that. You better take the freight

elevator.

Freight elevator?

You?

No, you.

I got a chapsity bell on 83rd Street to
pry off.

They're usually your biggest tippers.

And so if you take a moment to look at
the facts, I think you'll see that this

is just one of your basic merry mix-ups.

Somebody get me a gun.

Shelton, stop it this instant. I'm the
one who started this whole thing.

That's right, Shelton. I was really an
innocent bystander. All right, let me

understand this.

You seduced...

Him?

You don't pay any attention to me. Maybe
if you did, I wouldn't have to go

someplace else. You don't care about me.
All you care about is your stupid job

selling pork rinds. Pork rinds?

Oh, the stories you must have.

I work my butt off of her, and she
doesn't appreciate it.

Isn't that always the way?

Oh, sure. Take the message.

He's right.

Women never appreciate that stuff.

I can't believe the sexist garbage I'm
hearing.

Let's behave with a bit of decorum, huh?

Well, let's give it a shot anyway.

All I know is I deserve better than
this. What I'm hearing is that there's

some kind of communication breakdown.

What do you know about this?

I'm a judge, Sheldon.

Every day in that court, I see couples
who really care about each other ruining

their relationships. Why are they doing
that? Because they don't take the time

to tell each other what's really in
their minds.

Now, let's see if we can't get a little
of this out into the open, okay?

Leslie, forget about the fact that
you're mad at him. Forget that you're

hurt. Just tell Sheldon what it is you
want from him.

I'd like him to spend some time with me
for a change.

That's good. That's good. Sheldon, what
do you want from Leslie?

I want some understanding.

Some freaking compassion.

Sheldon doesn't quite have the hang of
this yet.

But there is a message in there
somewhere.

Sheldon, you work hard, right?

Yeah. To make money so she'll have
things.

Yeah. So she'll have security and she'll
be proud of you.

Yeah. And you hate his hours. Right.
Because he's important to you and you

wish you were important to him. Yeah.
And you miss him and you wish he didn't

have to work so hard.

Yeah. Then what we have is a man who
wants his wife to have everything and a

wife who wants him more than anything
else he can give her.

You know, if I didn't know you two so
well, I'd say you're in love.

I thought you just loved pork rinds.

Oh, give me a break. Who could love a
pork rind?

The barbecued ones aren't bad.

Sorry.

These misunderstandings always arise
when we're not absolutely honest with

each other.

You know, it reminds me of the classic
old story, The Gift of the Magi.

Isn't that the one where the farmer gets
his arm torn off in a threshing machine?

Honey, I'm sorry.

I am, too.

Come on. Kissy, kissy, huggy, huggy.

Why couldn't someone do this for Charles
and die?

Come on, let's go home.

Goodbye, Harry, and thanks so much.

My pleasure.

Thanks, Judge.

You'll never have to pay for another
pork rind as long as you live.

I'm speechless.

I was such a fool, I didn't think I
almost drove you to another man. Oh,

don't be ridiculous. I never would have
actually slept with him, honey.

You hear that, guys?

She was never going to sleep with me.

She had no intention of sleeping with
me.

You know, I think it's about time to
register our bowling ball pattern at

Bloomingdale's.

Yeah, yeah.

Feel kind of used, huh?

Like rubber gloves after a hemorrhoid
surgery.

Roz, she was my friend.

That's probably why she knew deep down
that you would fix it all.

Well, fine, but if she had a problem,
why didn't she tell me instead of

setting me up like that?

Maybe she was just so distraught that
she didn't realize she was hurting you

in the process.

Yeah, maybe.

Or... Or?

Your animal magnetism has been driving
her insane for years, and in the

presence of the beast, her libido
exploded in a frenzy of desire few of us

will ever experience even once in our
lifetime.

You got a big raise coming.

Thank you, Ross.

Who's size?

You did get them back together.

Well, yeah, I did, didn't I?

Huh. I mean, I may look a little foolish
right now, but I think we both know who

the real hero is in all this.

Because throughout it all, I behaved
with grace and chivalry. Yes, I did.

And just like the knights of old who
laughed in the face of death, I can

honestly say that I still have my
dignity.

Surely you joust.