All language subtitles for S05E15 - Chrizzis Honor

Let me guess.

This is the same slimy pickup line you
use on hundreds of women just hoping

that someday someone will actually be
interested in your crude little

proposal.

Yes.

Well, you finally hit the jackpot, big
boy. Oh, I just think I was going to

give up next year.

My name is Maria. I work up in filing.

It's very boring. I hope you're not...

Boring. How does a little red wine and
gravity boots for two sound?

Foot dart.

Pick me up here after work.

Wear something tearaway.

My name's Dan. Who cares?

Right.

You will not believe what just happened
to me.

Some loose woman that you've never met
before has agreed to go back to your

place and participate in some deviant
sexual behavior.

What gave me away, the drool?

I sure hope she's loose enough to make
it another night, Dan.

Why? Because tonight is the night we all
go to Miss Sullivan's party.

This tonight?

Dan, we got our invitations three months
ago.

Ladies, Christine Sullivan requests the
pleasure of your company at a gala

affair commemorating the sixth wedding
anniversary of Prince Charles and Lady

Diana.

Party.

Listen to me. We're talking naked
Italian women hanging from the ceiling.

No, you listen to me, Dan.

Miss Sullivan is our friend.

Now, if that means that occasionally
she'd like us all to get together, then

we should do so cheerfully, even if it
is excruciatingly dull and stupid.

Hi, guys.

Is everybody looking forward to my party
tonight?

We can't stop talking about it.

Good. But you better watch out. There
might be some apple brandy in the punch.

Would it be rude for me to bring my tax
forms?

positive attitude.

Maybe I'll get knifed on the way over.

Sir, about the party tonight, I forgot.
I have to go to a meeting of the B-U-B-B

-A.

Bubba?

The Benevolent Union of Bald Bailiffs of
America.

I'm the stubble monitor.

Bull, I am disappointed in you.

I would expect an outlandish story like
that from someone like Dan, but not from

you.

You're going to the party tonight, and
that is final. Do you understand?

Okay.

Benevolent union of bald-headed
bailiffs. What does he think, I was born

yesterday?

Sorry, guys, I can't make it.

Well, the court finds the defendant
guilty of indecent exposure, and here's

a little free advice.

The next time someone requests Pop Goes
the Weasel, just play

the song.

That's lunch, people.

I got your message. It said there was
trouble.

I like that in a man.

Listen, there's going to be a slight
addendum to our plans for this evening.

Cherry bombs and peanut butter?

No.

There's a slight get-together I have to
go to.

A party?

Yeah. You mean like when Mom and Dad go
to bed, we get to play spin the bottle?

Please. No, wait. Listen to me. Listen.
I don't want to go to this party. None

of us want to go. The judge is making us
go. Two seconds in, bam, boom, bye,

gone. It sounds kind of standard, Dan.

I'm not a standard type of girl.

Did I mention my washing machine?

I've modified the agitator.

In a way that I think you'll find
amusing.

Well, if it isn't the tea party animal.

Sir, I just witnessed an exchange
between Dan and his girlfriend.

I hope you washed all exposed areas.

Sir, I'm serious.

I need an honest answer.

Is it true that the only reason
anybody's going to my party is because

you forced them to?

That's ridiculous. Why in the world
would you think something like that?

I've got everyone's paycheck, sir.

And I told them they wouldn't get them
until they all showed up. Uh-oh.

That ishteen craze. Arty pay.

Okay, okay, okay. I gave them all a
little added incentive.

Oh, that's fine. That is just wonderful.

My self-esteem just skyrocketed. No, no,
no. I'm just happy to know that I am

such a dull, pathetic, wet blanket that
people have to be bludgeoned into

coming.

Poor thing.

She's probably too upset to even have
the party now.

Not a chance.

right if I don't invite them to Snoopy's
birthday.

I mean, draw me and quarter me.

Because I happen to know Princess Di's
maiden name.

Spencer. Boil me in oil.

I beg your pardon?

Spencer. Princess Di's maiden name?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude. No,
no. It's okay. Excuse me. How do you

know that? Well, it was in her
autobiography.

Live and let die?

You read that, too?

Oh, sure.

I have to admit, I'm a bit of an
anglophile.

Hey, you try any of that stuff with her,
pal, I'll rip your tongue out through

your ears.

It's okay, really.

Okay. But I dealt with your kind before.

I'm Bob. Bob Mason.

Christine Sullivan.

Look, I don't mean to be forward, but...

You seemed kind of upset when you came
in here.

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. It's just that all
my friends think that celebrating

Charles and Di's anniversary is stupid.

Stupid?

That marriage was a fairy tale come
true.

You know, you're right. I think so, too.
It was like a prince finding his maiden

fair. Look, don't laugh, but I have all
six hours of the wedding on tape.

You don't.

And now the blissful couple emerges from
the horse-drawn carriage and waves to

the eager throng of whale witches.

You do the wave?

No, no, no. Yes, yes, you almost did it.
Go ahead.

Well, okay.

That's it.

You look just like a princess.

to come to my party tonight.

I'm serving black tea and crumpets with
bitter marmalade.

Have I died and gone to heaven?

I'd be enchanted.

The address is on the bottom.

Oh, this is lovely.

Uh, Bob, I don't want you to think that
I normally go around picking up guys in

cafeterias. Oh, no, no. This isn't a
pickup. This is two people with a lot of

common interests who just happen to meet
in a very nice...

wholesome, healthy environment.

Right.

Ta-ta.

Super night for a party, eh?

Robert, I do come in.

Oh, you look wonderful.

Oh, thank you. You look the same.

Did you hurt your arm?

Oh, no. I, uh, new watch band. It's kind
of tight.

Oops.

That's my London Bridge cake. I don't
want it to fall.

So, uh, you ever been to England?

place. What a place. Look at this. Well,
lovely Honduras. Who lives here? Smurf?

How about those men you think they'll
make it this year? You think it's going

to rain?

Where does the time go when you're
having fun? You make sure you tell

Christine we had a great time. Thanks a
lot. See you later. Bye.

What time you guys got here?

Miss Sullivan?

I'll be out in a minute.

Some place, huh?

Looks like a toxic cute dump.

wrong with Miss Sullivan's taste that a
couple of years in a Turkish prison

wouldn't cure.

This is new.

I'm Bob, Christine's friend.

Watch this guy. He's an admitted
anglophile.

Coming through.

Ta-da!

Like it?

What is it?

Those two guys on either side of him.

Those are his ears.

Has everyone met Bob?

Yeah, sure did. Put her there, Bob.

Boy, what a manly grip you've got. I
like that.

Don't you hate guys that shake hands
like a dead fish?

Well... Didn't you love that one so
much?

do magic, too?

Now, wait a minute.

These are real. Yeah, well, I can't
match you all. It's been a lot of fun,

but I gotta go. Get back in there. Where
do you think you're going?

Who are you?

Detective Sergeant Custis, NYPD.

Somebody complain about the noise?

This guy escaped from my custody while I
was making a pit stop.

Spastic colon.

Eat two peanuts, snap shut like a bear
trap.

No, he's not a criminal, but he did
witness a contract killing. And we are

keeping him under protective custody
because of the $50,000 price tag on his

head. Right now, there's a professional
hitman parked in a car across the

street. A hitman who wouldn't mind at
all splattering the brains of every

person in this room until he got the guy
he was after.

Is bean dip for everyone?

Why didn't you tell me you're the target
for a gang execution?

It just always seems to put such a
damper on the conversation.

I can't believe this! Please, we have
got to stay calm.

Call 911. Tell them there's a cop who
needs help. Right.

Hello?

Did you pay your phone bill this month?

Oh, no!

Boy, they sure move fast.

Well, you pay top dollar, you get good
people.

But it's such a comfort, I would hate to
have my brains exploded by an amateur.

We are just going to have to wait them
out. But in the meantime, stay away from

the doors, the windows, and those devil
eggs. They're going to repeat on you

like you wouldn't believe.

What if he breaks the door down?

No problem.

Okay.

Let's size up the situation.

We got a mad dog killer outside.

We got no phone, and we got no weapon.

But we do have our wits.

Well, I'm off to stick my head in the
oven.

Listen, the elevator.

It's footsteps.

Don't anybody move.

That way you'll get a clean hit and
there'll be a lot less suffering.

What was that?

My cat.

Dan, you stepped on Mr.

Whistler's tail.

If he doesn't watch out, he'll wind up
being Mr. Tennis Racket.

I think he's whistling.

Oh, if he's whistling, it's just my nosy
neighbor, Mr.

Fitzgerald. Let's get him to call the
police.

Pretty boy Harris heard whistling. Two
seconds later, he had a nostril this

big.

Hey, the cat.

Don't stare. That's just the way they
take baths.

I mean, maybe this cat can help us out.

When the hitman comes in, we'll throw it
in his face and Mr. Whiskers can claw

his eyes out.

Once again, you're way ahead of me, big
guy.

I was thinking we could write a note and
tuck it under his collar and then send

him down by way of the fire escape.

Right. Then somebody might find the note
and call the police.

Wait a minute.

What if the hitman sees him?

I don't think there's anyone in this
room that could live with his conscience

if Mr. Whiskers came to any harm.

Send a little hairball.

Oh, go ahead and do it.

Come on, Christine.

Please.

It's the only way.

All right.

Write down to call Sergeant Monroe at
the 15th Precinct. Tell him that things

are out of control and we need support.

You know, Christine, I have to tell you.

This little guy is adorable.

Hey.

How's that?

Good luck.

Come on, come on.

Okay. Go with the wind!

How's he doing?

Hold on, he just encountered another
cat.

Oh, that's Fifi the neighbor cat.

Oh, no, they're fighting!

That's not fighting.

Well, then what are they?

You know, you should let him out more
often.

will find the note.

Yeah, but they won't want to touch it.

All right, this is stupid. All these
ridiculous plans. What we should do is

open the window and scream for help
until the cops come. Stay away from the

window. Come on, we're on the 16th
floor.

This one's cute.

Where'd you get this?

Paris?

I'll snap out of it.

That bullet... Yeah, almost split the
uprights, huh?

I better finish filling out this toe
tag.

Do you really think we might die, Dan?

Considering the fact that bullets are
flying through the air, I would say it's

a distinct possibility.

You really know how to sweet-talk a
girl.

What are you talking about?

For some reason, the thought of imminent
danger makes me feel so... stimulated.

Wait a minute. Are you telling me being
in fear of your life turns you on?

I feel so alive knowing this could be my
last moment.

Don't worry, people. No one's gonna die
here. Shut up, Harry.

Bob, why did you have to do this?

I know, I know it was stupid, but when I
met you, you were so sweet,

so interesting. I just had to see you
again.

have so much in common. Look, I really
am an anglophile, you know. I have had

enough!

Bull, an anglophile is somebody who
studies the British as a hobby.

Oh, I thought it was the guy who liked
to put liverwurst in his socks and look

at pictures of Joanne Worley.

What's the name for that?

A whirlybird.

That came from the bedroom.

Must have come off the fire escape.

Bull, get the lights. Right.

Bull, turn the light off.

That was my next choice.

My God, we're going to die.

Now, Dan, it has to be now.

We're going to make one hell of a chalk
outline.

bucks doesn't buy what it used to, does
it, Mr.

Fancy Pants Hip Man?

What the... This is my neighbor, Nosy
Mr.

Fitzgerald. I was just down for my
stroll when I happened to notice your

bedroom window was wide open. You were
out for a stroll on her fire escape?

I don't know how much more of this I can
take.

You and me both.

Okay, people.

It's all over.

Sergeant Monroe!

You folks are safe now. We already
nabbed the hitman. That note was a smart

idea. Mr. Whiskers, you did it! How did
you find him? We had complaints from 15

different cat owners.

Mr. Whiskers, how could you?

Oh, come on. We better get this guy
hidden again.

Come on, pal.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold
it.

Christine, look, for what it's worth, I
think you're one of the most

attractive... intelligent, exciting
women I've ever met.

Thank you.

And you're not so bad yourself.

So maybe I can call you sometime.

No.

I understand.

I mean, they caught this guy, but who
knows who else is out there gunning for

me.

For the rest of my life, I'll be little
more than a human target.

Excuse me, we haven't met.

My name is Maria.

Has anyone ever told you you have a
desperate, hunted look in your eye?

Whoa!

Oh, when you do that, I love it, whoa!

Dan, she's gone.

I knew that.

Miss Sullivan?

You gonna be okay?

Can we, uh, help you clean up or
anything?

Oh, no, no, no. That's okay. I'll
just... move.

My life is ruined!

There, there.

It's your party. You can cry if you want
to.

What if your idea of a good time is
different from everyone else on the

planet?

I mean, who's to say they're right?

No one, I guess.

You were just being yourself, Christine.

Nothing's wrong with that.

Yeah. We love you just the way you are.

Thanks, guys.

Oh, please.

Listen, whoever you are,