All language subtitles for S05E09 - Constitution 1

Hi, guys.

Hey. Roz?

Roz? Hmm?

You all right?

Yeah, my stomach's just a bit queasy.

Want a bite of my squid salad sandwich?

No, thanks, Bull. I just had a peanut
butter and jellyfish.

What's so funny, Max?

This ass.

Come celebrate the Constitution's 200th
birthday at Schuster's Plumbing and

Toilet Supplies.

George Washington sat here.

That is so tacky. Why can't people just
celebrate the Constitution without

making complete jerks of themselves?

Hi, guys!

Look, it's Terry's grandmother.

You like this, huh?

You're having a big sale at the Colonial
Head Shop.

I got one for you, big guy.

sure this was going to fit. What is your
head size, Bull?

Inhaled or exhaled?

Never mind. Hey, don't make any plans
for after work because I got a bootleg

copy of the Edwin Newman-William F.
Buckley debate over the ramifications of

the Plessy versus Ferguson case.

They left in all the 14-letter words.

Oh, darn, I'd love to come, but I
already have plans, sir. Too bad. How

about you, Mac?

Well, I've got plans too, sir.

Oh, rat, so do I.

We all do.

So you're all doing something together?

Yeah.

What you got planned?

Water skiing.

Yeah. It's ten degrees outside.

Everything's frozen over.

That's the way we like it, sir.

Yeah, I get a great deal on the boat,
too. Sixteen bucks, have it back by

March.

I don't believe it. We're about to
celebrate the double platinum

anniversary of the most important
document in the world, and you folks

don't even want to take part. I would
think that you would drop everything to

come by.

Well, I admire your ingenuity, but the
law takes a dim view of what you call

unfurling old glory.

$200 fine and time served.

Move them out.

You know, Matt, I'm really beginning to
enjoy this thing.

Me too, sir. Just like working with
Mamie Van Doren.

Bull isn't back yet, huh? No, he's
downstairs getting ready for Roz's

triumphant return.

Boy, it's been a weird two weeks without
Roz.

I didn't think the diabetes kept you in
the hospital that long. Yeah. You know,

I've really missed her sense of quiet
authority, the way she radiates that

calm professionalism. And yet never too
busy to squeeze off a light-hearted

volley of gunfire.

Gangway!

Hey, woolly bully, what you doing?

Stringing a banner, sir.

It says, Welcome back, Roz.

We missed you.

While you were gone, I got a shoe shine
and started breaking in a new uniform.

How long is that thing?

Well, how far is it from here to the
door?

Six feet.

Then it's 18 floors and six feet.

Don't you think you overdid it, big
fella?

Well, I did thrive.

I still don't see why she wouldn't let
us visit her at the hospital.

I do.

It's embarrassing.

I hate wearing those hospital gowns that
hang wide open at the back.

I always turn mine around.

Great icebreaker in the solarium.

I don't see why she was gone for two
weeks.

I got diabetes when I was a kid and it
only lasted one day.

You had diabetes?

Uh-huh. I got it from eating too many
prunes.

I didn't have any visitors either.

is a lot more serious than what you
have. You wouldn't think so the way the

neighbors carried on.

But... It's a lost cause, sir. Move on
to the next case.

Okie doke.

People versus LaRue, Johnson,
McCullough, and Simon.

Well, look at this. We got ourselves
three presidents and the minority whip.

Her name is Francine LaRue, Your Honor,
and these...

Or actors from that big TV special
they're doing tonight?

Oh, you mean the hip-hopping,
finger-popping, constitutional birthday

blowout bash?

That's the one.

Our fondling fathers here got drunk
during their dinner break and decided to

exercise their, uh, freedom of assembly.

Honest, Abe?

Look, I don't have to take this. I'm a
major talent in this town.

Wanna bet?

Hey, how'd you like me to charge up your
San Juan Hill?

Look, I may have to defend you, but I
don't have to put up with your sleazy

remarks. Ooh, a filly with spirit.

Looks like you need a rough rider.

Watch it. I speak softly, but I carry a
big knee.

Please get on with this. I have to
repowder my tights or I'll chafe like a

Pony Express rider.

You really like that costume, don't you?

Immensely.

Your Honor, before we proceed, we're
going to need an order to separate.

One of the parties involved isn't here.
The man playing Thomas Jefferson hasn't

sobered up yet.

A little bit too much Yankee Doodle
brandy?

About ten minutes ago, he stuck a
feather down his throat and threw up

macaroni.

Well, then you gentlemen will have to
decide whether you want your cases

adjudicated together or separately.

United we stand, divided we fall.

Tell me about it.

In that case, we'll just wait for Mr.
Jefferson to join our chief executives

here. Stick around the building, guys.
That's lunch, people.

Hold it, everyone.

Watch where you step.

What'd you do, lose a contact lens?

No, my wart.

Say, were you ever in the road company
of La Cage aux Folles?

No, but every year I play the psycho
killer in our bail-up Christmas pageant.

Is he serious?

Yeah, it's a great show. Frosty the
Hitman.

She was supposed to be here by now.

Well, if she stopped to read the banner,
it could take weeks.

I'm sure she'll appreciate all the work
you went to, Bull.

Who put this stupid thing here?

I missed you so much.

Hi, Ross. How are you?

Come on, Bull. Don't explode the girl
her first day back.

Come here. Sit down. Sit down over here.

Boy, good to see you. We miss you so
much, Ross.

How was the hospital?

Peachy.

First, I was dragged in there on a
stretcher, stripped naked, and strapped

into a bed against my will.

Since then, I've been poked, prodded,
pumped full of drugs, force-fed, and had

blood sucked out of me ten times a day
with razor-sharp needles.

You got to go on a stretcher?

Who wants to know?

Mr. Brian Capshaw, producer of the
hip-hopping, finger-popping,

constitutional birthday blowout bash.

Ah. The band has an Emmy, a Tony, and 75
Ernie's.

His talent speaks for itself.

Swell. Does he?

Of course he speaks.

The man is a genius at speaking.

Yes, sir, I'll shut up now.

My sister's kid works for free, takes
abuse like a Cuban welterweight.

Would you mind if we, uh, confab?

Uh, sorry, I'm spoken for.

Oh,

I get it, I get it. Brian, he's making a
joke.

Look, Judge, I'm staring down the barrel
of a two-hour deadline on this TV thing.

Now, those four actors you're holding
are my opening number. So let's say we,

uh, swing a little...

Presidential pardon, eh? Well, I'm
afraid it's not really that simple.

Say, Ron, wouldn't this guy look
terrific in a Rolex?

Say, Ron, wouldn't this guy look
terrific behind bars?

Look, babe, come on, cut me some slack
here. This is for a good cause. This

show is going to fill millions of
American hearts with real patriotic

spirit. Kathy, Kathy, I'm ready for my
day.

Let me guess.

The statue of puberty.

Tracy, sweetie, I told you to wait out
in the truck.

It's cold out there.

See my goose bumps?

My compliments to the goose.

Tracy is part of the parade of
government forms.

I'm a carrier.

That would be my guess.

I get to carry the Constitution.

Constitution, sweet.

Isn't she adorable?

Wait a minute. She's going to carry the
Constitution?

As in we the people?

One of the original drafts.

Picture this.

A darkened stadium.

A hush falls over the sacks in the
audience.

Suddenly, fireworks fill the sky.

Marching bands from all across the
country form a giant Liberty Bell, and

out of the crack come 200 Robert Goulet
impersonators pruning the national

anthem as laser beams bounce off their
gold neck chains.

Well, as long as it's all done in good
taste.

Irony, I love this guy.

So come on, Judge, what do you say, huh?
Can you do me the big one?

Mr. Capshaw, I have a feeling that your
show is going to be a big one whether I

help or not.

Oh, did I mention that we got Pee Wee
Herman doing a reenactment of The

Surrender at Yorktown?

Is that really your dinner?

No, it's Bugs Bunny's dinner. But it's
all I get to eat now.

You could have some of mine.

What is it?

I don't know. I already ate the face
off.

just go back to my feast here.

Well, I'm stuffed.

They've got you on a really strict
program, huh?

Heavens no.

I can do anything I want as long as it's
bland, lifeless, and excruciatingly

dull.

The important thing is that you're
better now.

Better than what?

I can't eat half the food in this place.

The spicy pizzas, the deep dish apple
pies.

Whatever this brown thing is.

Look, so you can't eat everything you
like to. Look on the bright side.

The bright side is that I have to shoot
up with insulin three times a day so I

don't go blind and I don't get my legs
chopped off.

Anybody want my apple, Betty?

I really don't give a hoot that Vanna
White is turning around the letters for

the Bill of Rights.

wait their turn for their trial just
like everyone else, if you will excuse

me.

So, we all getting caught up with each
other here?

Oh, good.

You're just in time. For what?

My dessert.

What's that for?

To inject my insulin.

And I have my choice of several exotic
locales.

I can stick this in my arm or my thigh.

Or, for those particularly festive
occasions, I can jab it in my stomach.

Want to watch?

For free?

Hey, Roz, I know this has been rough,
but come on, it's going to get easier.

You're right.

Because I'm quitting.

What? I'm resigning.

I can't handle a job like this anymore.
Roz, this is very sudden. You want to

think about this.

I have thought about it, Harry.

You can't be a bailiff if you have to
leave the prisoners every five minutes

to get an injection or check your blood
sugar or any of the other damn stupid

things I have to do the rest of my life.

I have the papers for you to sign later.

Roz, we can work something out.

No, we can't, Harry. You expect me to
sit around here and put on some kind of

happy cripple show for you people?

Well, I'm not going to.

Hey, Roz!

Welcome back.

Listen, I know how hard this has been.

This banana splits for you.

found that spoon.

Boy, Roz is really going through a rough
time.

I go through rough times and I go around
spreading food all over people.

Unless they ask.

You're just going to have to try to be
tolerant.

I called Roz's doctor. Hopefully he'll
come down here and explain how serious

this whole thing is. Great. Then maybe
things can get back to normal around

here. Congress shall make no law. Step
kick. The establishment of step kick.

Religion and freedom of each step kick.

Must have been real lonely at Valley
Forge.

It's okay, Bulls. No, it's not.

Roz is leaving.

Just when I've gotten used to her.

The way she mocks my height.

The way she kicks my shin.

The way she yanks up my shorts and hooks
the waistband over my forehead.

Well, we'll all miss that, Bull.

Come on, Bull, you've got to deal with
those feelings.

Just let it out.

Thanks, Christine. I feel better.

What?

Excuse me, Harry. Roz's doctor's here.
Oh, good.

Well, I'll let you to it. I have better
things to do than sit around and listen

to some old geese that talk about Roz's
plumbing.

I'm Dr. Townsend.

It hurts right here.

Hi, Dr. Townsend. I'm Harry Stone.

Dan Fielding.

Viral? Yet man enough to let his soft
side show.

Enchanting fragrance.

What is it?

Hospital soap.

I was palpating a sebaceous cyst.

You're just saying that.

Dr. Townsend, I asked you here to talk
about Roz.

Oh, what about her?

Well, you see, she's not going to be
working here anymore.

What? You can't... You can't fire
someone just for having diabetes.

No, wait a minute. No, you wait a
minute.

Roz is completely capable of performing
her duties. As a matter of fact, the

biggest problem people with diabetes
ever have on the job are employers with

ignorant, insensitive attitudes.

I tried to tell him.

I don't want Roz to leave.

You don't? No, but she goes off to the
hospital, and next thing I know, she

comes back, she's mean and ill-tempered.

Well, she was like that before.

But now she doesn't think she can do her
job.

I think I'm getting the picture.

Although Roz doesn't seem the type.

What type is that?

Sometimes new diabetic patients feel
cheated, like they're giving up all the

good things in life. And they withdraw
from that pain instead of dealing with

it.

Such wisdom.

Such sensitivity.

You know, I've just made a decision. I
want to donate one of my vital organs to

science. How's ten o'clock for you?

Excuse me, Judge. Any chance of that
speedy trial thing happening?

Yeah, in due time, Mr. Capshaw. Time?

We're on the air live in 45 minutes.
Don't tell me time.

I got the Blue Angels in a holding
pattern over the Passaic landfill.

Mr. Capshaw. What's wrong?

What is it? First and foremost, not my
fault.

Okay.

Hit me, baby. What is it? You know that
original draft of the Constitution we

have down in the truck?

Yes. Well, do you think we could shoot
around it?

What the hell happened?

The guards left the truck to watch Pia
Zadora rehearse her dance number. This

nut climbs in and grabs the
Constitution.

They chase him into this building and
into the courtroom across the hall, and

now he's holding the Constitution
hostage.

Oh, my God.

You let Pia Zadora do a dance number?

Get away from me or this Constitution's
history.

Listen, don't you worry. If he likes
it...

I'll protect your body from the flames
with my body.

This could be flammable. Better lose it.

Sir, don't you really want to put that
thing down? The paper is very delicate.

It's not paper. It's vellum made from
the skin of sheep.

Some patriotic lamb gave his all for
this thing.

But does he get any credit for it?

Call the Little Bo Peep Squad. Yes, sir.
Tell them it's a rushed job.

Why don't we just shoot him? Hey, great
idea. I'll call props.

Nobody is going to shoot anybody.

That might be a fine idea for a
Hollywood soundstage, but this is a real

-life hostage situation.

Albeit a weird one.

Sir! Sir!

It's Roz.

What about her? I think she's drunk.

Why do you think she's drunk?

She said she was actually Ed Kooky Burns
in disguise.

Then she put a trash can over her head
and clogged danced on top of the salad

bar.

That doesn't sound like her.

Oh, wait a minute. Was Roz trembling?

Yeah. Was she sweating a lot?

Bucket. So would you if you're clogged
dancing on top of the salad bar.

What is it, Doc?

Well, it sounds like Roz could be having
an insulin reaction. She must have

accidentally taken too much. Hey!

What about me?

The guy with the hair? of the country in
his hand.

Sir, I'm really sorry, but we may have a
little emergency here. But I... Stick a

sock in it, Curly!

Roz needs to be treated right away.
Where is she now? I don't know. I tried

to take her down from the salad bar and
she kicked me in the... cafeteria.

When I came to, she was gone.

Oh, God.

Doctor, what happens if we don't find
her right away?

Roz could faint.

She could go into a coma.

She could die.

Boy, I sure hope she picks fainting.