All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine Season 24 Episode 4_ The Secret Birthday of Norman Clegg

What do you think about birthdays?
I think I've had too many of 'em.

I mean, what do you think of other
people's birthdays?
Oh, I can stand them!

Cos it's, er, it's mine tomorrow.
Oooh! Happy...

Don't start. I don't want any fuss.
I hate all that.

They used to be harmless.
Nobody really bothered, but...

now it's like a circus. You don't
want balloons? Excuse me while I go
and up-chuck behind that bush.

All right - no balloons.

No, I... I thought we might
have a meal. Just you and me.

Somewhere nice. I don't want
anyone else to hear a squeak about
birthdays. An undercover birthday.

Fine by me.

Hey. Don't hang about out there.
People will see you.

Hang about? If I'd come in faster,
I'd have taken the paint off your
door. There is no-one out there.

They give that impression,
but they can be at windows.

What are they going to see? See?
You're joking. They're going to see
that terrible betrayer of secrets -

the best suit. And, ah, they'll
want to know why. Don't tell 'em.

Round here
you get grilled by experts.

One tactic for these occasions is
to lie. I'll guide you through. Lie?

You know -
sometimes called "giving evidence".

Look, maybe if we went there all
scruffy and then got changed there.

Norman. Happy Birthday. Relax.
You haven't told anybody?

Only the kiss-a-gram girl.

..Oh, joking, joking.

Loosen your collar. Get some air.
They used to come once a year.
Now it seems like every week.

Don't get paranoid.
It's just a birthday. Let's hope
it stays a nice, quiet birthday.

Oh, by the way,
I've, er, noticed that you
haven't asked me how old I am.

Well, I may have a go at pulling
your leg but I'm not a sadist.

I can't remember what it's like
NOT to have a bus pass.

Time passes quickly
when you're older.

I could do with 36 hours a day.

Mostly sleeping.

Well, anyway...

How do I look?

As if it's your birthday.

Will you be in this mood all day?
I never know. Check in later.

I mean, it looks like a best suit.
It's fatal. It's a dead giveaway.
It looks like an old best suit.

Phew! I suppose I ought
to be grateful for small mercies.

Come on. Let's get you somewhere
where you'll be less twitchy. Make
sure there's nobody outside, eh?

There's no-one.
All right. Off we go then.

And if they catch us, then
don't say anything about birthdays,
or they'll smother me in confetti.

There you are, you see? You're
looking on the bright side already.
You could have been getting married.

He's in his best suit.
Ye gods - it's contagious!

Do you feel better now? Much.
Yeah. We should be all right now.

I wonder why Howard
was wearing his best suit.

That's what
he'll be wondering about me.

There's no reason why everyone
should wonder why you're wearing...

Don't ask. Fair enough.

Not a bad morning for it. For what?

For whatever it is
you're dressed up for. Don't ask.

Who's asking?

It's a plot. It's an epidemic.

Hey up. Why is...? Don't ask.

Everybody's wearing...
Don't ask.
Is it some kind of secret? Yes.

Aw. Aw...

Everybody's looking very smart today.

I deny that. I am not looking smart.
I may be looking nearly smart,
but that is just accidental.

I wear a clean shirt - I'm accused
of smartness. You're overdoing it.

He's a bit twitchy this morning.

Clean collars. Ah, men are never
comfy in clean collars.

I'll be honest - mine's killing me.
This is no kind of attire
for a free spirit.

Talking of free spirits, will there
be drinks? There'd better be.
That's why I'm not driving.

I still say it's a plot.
They're having a giggle at me.

It's just coincidence. Stop getting
worked up. They're going somewhere.
At least they'll be out of our way.

You don't think
they've heard about...?

No,
I don't think they've heard about...

Entwistle in a suit! Well,
that does it. It really is a plot.

Where are you going?
We'll get another bus.

What's up with them?

Tight collars. Lack of oxygen. Cuts
the air supply. Affects the brain.

There must be
a lot of tight collars round here.

I saw him.
Cleggy was in his best suit.

Maybe he were going to the wedding.
I don't think he knows the people.

Maybe he were going to another
wedding. He wasn't wearing a flower.

If I know Norman Clegg, he won't
be in any hurry to wear his flower.
Have I got this in straight?

Close your mouth before summat
flies into it. A light aircraft.

What you gawping at? You look...

attractive. Cheeky beggar.

I've not had a face transplant,
you know.

I hope you're not going to start
throwing yourself at the men.
That's it. That's enough.

Not another word.
Silence is not only golden,
it's just become compulsory for you.

And, no,
your flower's not on straight.

And nor
will your head be in a minute.

Where are we going for this secret
birthday? To a hotel. Hotel?

Not just a bar meal? Hotel. Thought
we'd do it right. Have a linen
napkin. More than one knife. Each.

I'm impressed. Well, we've
got rid of that lot. All we've
got to do now is relax and enjoy.

Norman Clegg, that was!
And in his best suit.

Ah, well, yes, I'm just looking
after it while the owner's away.

And Mr Truelove looking very chic.
It's just a gift.

Are we all going my way? You'll have
to ask the suit. From the way it's
pulling, it wants to cross the road.

What a coincidence.
It makes a girl believe in fate.

Are we in town for anything
special? Er, no, no, no. Just
routine. Here and there, you know.

Gentlemen of leisure. Another
coincidence. It's my day off, too.

Footloose and fancy free.
We ought to do this more often.

I'm way beyond footloose.
Everything's loose!

He mustn't get excited, except
under close supervision. He's in
good hands. Nobody does it closer.

Shouldn't you be meeting Howard?
Oh, he's not free today...

whoever he is.
Tell her this is as far as we go.

Tell him not to worry. I have
very strict rules in that direction.

What he means is a little drink
in the bar and then some lunch.

Why not? How kind!
Let's live a little.

I just hope her daughter won't be
there. Megan? Of course she will.

You'd be there if YOUR mother
was getting married.
She'd have been horrified if I was.

That was when it was religious.
It's mostly showbiz now.

Funny having your mother getting
married. It's nice for the woman.

I just hope Megan's not there.
What's wrong with her? She always
wants to talk about interest rates.

Barry, no business talk today. Well,
just keep an eye on me in case she
grabs me. Barry, you look terrific.

If anybody backs you in a corner,
it'll probably be me. Not now,
Glenda. I've got a headache.

Your birthday's so full
of surprises, your hand's shaking.

It's just an impression it gives
when it's shaking.
How do we get rid of my surprise?

We? It's your surprise.
YOU invited her.

I just told her we were going
for lunch. It could be worse.

When people say that,
they mean it could hardly be worse.

The place could be full of people
watching you taking Marina for lunch.
Watching US taking Marina for lunch.

I'm just a guest.
Howard's going to kill you.

Oh, my favourite.
How did he know?

She asked for it.

Only under my breath.
We must be connected telepathically.

Tell her it's a wrong number.

"What's her favourite drink?"
he said, closing his eyes. "I bet
I can guess her favourite drink!"

What a powerful mind!
He gets all mixed up, poor soul.

It's sad, but not all bad.
He's kind to old ladies.

How is he with young?

Well, he invited you, didn't he?

I thought she looked quite good,
considering her age, and the fact
she's never been over-attractive,

especially after that operation,
and that hat.

She'll look worse when she's had him
a year. He's such a misery. Not just
full time, it's also his hobby.

I sometimes wish that I'd been more
miserable. Being good-natured gets
you into all sorts of difficulties!

Howard manages quite well just on
lack of judgement, don't you, love?

I thought we weren't going
to be like that today.
At the reception. Not the whole day.

They say the groom's very good with
plants. Knows all the Latin names.

Oh, well, at least they'll be able
to enjoy visiting garden centres.
It'll pass the honeymoon nicely.

Now, why didn't WE think of that?
You told everybody we'd had
a lovely week. I meant the weather!

Actually, it were a disaster -
ruined by shyness and nerves.

That's how young ladies were
in our day.

Not me. Him!

I don't think I ever had one that
was nervous. Although I must admit,
none of them were rank beginners.

They're not born nervous, love. You
have to steer them in that direction.

How comes he can get married
at his age and I'm still unattached?

He dazzled her with his expertise
in greenfly.

I can play the trumpet.
But does it get rid of greenfly?

You're getting better. I got you
chatting to that woman last week.

He was chatting somebody up?
Without his trumpet? Where?
In the supermarket.

She was standing there
looking at continental cheeses.

If she can stand continental cheeses,
I thought he was in with a chance.

So I give him this opening line
and sent him off. Well, go on, then.

Excuse me, madam,
what do you recommend
for finishing a dinner party?

Oh, all in good taste. Very classy.

Right. No rubbish.
How did he handle it?

I delivered it properly. "Excuse me,
madam, what do you recommend
for finishing a dinner party?"

She gives me one look and she says,

"I bet you could finish it quick
enough without any help from me."
And off she goes to the cold meats.

Not cold meats!

- You're making progress.
- Progress?!

You got insulted instead of ignored.

I can't get my head round
Hubert as a married man.

I've always held him up
as an example of how you can
stay single if you really tried.

They won't be a minute.

Mum's just freshening up.
..Oh, hello, Barry!

Oh, you're looking good today.
Catch you later!

You will not be caught later, Barry.
I suppose that very forward
common person was Megan.

How come it took you nearly
two seconds to dislike her?
Why was she waving at you?

I told you. She sees me as the key
to a better rate of interest.
Let her find her own key!

Well, of course, if I'd known two
gentlemen were taking me for lunch,
I'd have made more of an effort.

It's customary at this point
to say, "You look fine, anyway."

Fine. That's it. Yes.

Just the word we were searching for.
As Norman will tell you.

Of course, if you want to postpone
the luncheon, we'd quite understand,
however disappointed we might be.

It wouldn't be fair to keep you here
against your better judgement.

I'm at the age where I can't afford
better judgement.
I won't disappoint you.

I'll stay.

I'll just pop to the powder room
and do the best with what I've got.

She does. She does the best
with what she's got.

I just wish
she wasn't doing it here.

Here they are. Give them a cheer!

Oh, come on, Mother.
Oh, cheer up, Mother.

It's him.
Why wouldn't he kiss the bride?

Not in public. We never used to do
that. It's American. It's rubbish.
I never kissed the last one.

It'll be one of the better marriages.
They stand a chance
when they're not all lovey-dovey.

I never knew you were so miserable.
You never asked.

Right. Big smile, everybody.

Right, now, if everybody would like
to make their way to the reception.

Oh, how are you, Barry?

I'm fine. I don't think you know
Glenda. I've never had the pleasure.

And he'd better keep it that way.
Your mother looked nice.

Your Barry's being very helpful
in keeping my interest at maximum.

He does a fair job with mine.
Just normal professional courtesy.

So, we give the girl a lunch.
Make the best of it.

Oh, I don't mind that. It's just
the idea of somebody seeing us.

I'm sure we're old enough
not to raise any eyebrows. Ah,
Mr Truelove, Mr Clegg. Hello, Vicar.

It's a pleasure to see
two smartly dressed gentlemen
enjoying their own company.

You get too many in here with women
who don't exactly look like wives,
if you know what I mean. Oh, yes.

Well, here it is, guys.
What you see is what you get.

Now, if you'd all like to make
your way to the function suite.

Reserved exclusively for our use.

Can't we have a drink in the bar
first? There will be drinks
available in the function suite.

Oh, I hope it's not sweet sherry.
It's not the sort of drink for
a direct descendant of Robin Hood.

I like sweet sherry.
I rest my case.

Maybe that's the secret.
Maybe that's what's been
holding him back romance-wise.

He's ruined his image
with sweet sherry. He's dented it
with more than that!

Come along, ladies and gentlemen.

Who put HER in charge? I expect
she's just organising everything.

You can see she has a flair
for what you might call gobby!

She likes her already.
It's only when they're shopping
they can't make up their mind.

Where's Howard?
Well, he was here a minute ago.

That's his description to a T.
"He was here a minute ago."

He's up there with Mr Hardcastle.
Not too far from the duty warder!

Come along, stragglers. Make your
way straight to the function suite.

So there I was - a young constable
alone in the darkness.
Oh, I wish I'd been there.

In the early hours of the morning.
My favourite time.

With no back-up, listening to these
noises coming from the cemetery.

Good heavens! What did you do?

About 90 miles an hour
back to the police station.

He lies. I bet he was heroic.

Of course! ..He said modestly.

Why don't I get the menus?

Go on! Go on!

Well, I crept closer to the cemetery
on tiptoe in rubber-soled boots,

drawing my truncheon in one smooth
movement. People have no idea
of the perils of the police force.

You're right. All those
criminal experts for starters.

Excuse me. Menus, please.
..Oh, thank you.

Oh, hello. Could I have three menus,
please? Thank you.

GLASS CRASHES

Howard!

Your flower's wilting...as
I've noticed on numerous occasions.

For better, for worse, we said.
So when's this better bit coming?

Watch this space, kid.

Here, there's no need to overdo it!

Couldn't we find him a funeral
instead of a wedding?

He were in a good mood a second ago.
They change so quickly.
It's probably hormones.

They're very strange internally.
He gets indigestion,
you'd think he had surround-sound.

He looks desperate enough
to start writing poetry!

Psst.

Excuse me.

Now what? You'll never believe
who's here. Who IS here? Everybody.

Don't start exaggerating.
Leave that to the professionals.
See for yourself.

Oh, there's a ray of sunshine(!)

It's weddings.
That's how they are at weddings.

Not as bad as that.

That's how mine always was.
Especially at ours.

Well...at their own, you expect it.

How long has she been seeking
better interest?

Ages.
It's got to stop, Barry.

Don't tell me, tell Megan.
You call her Megan?

Her name's Megan.
You can't call her Mrs...Thing?

It sounds like
you're BOTH after more interest.

My sister's got a face like that.
Built for bad news.

A face like that IS bad news.

People should smile more.

I mean at weddings!

Cheer up, Howard,
it's not as if tha's the groom!

I feel too betrayed.

You were all right a minute ago!

It's bad enough when you find things
going on behind your back...with
people you thought you could trust.

I mean, I hardly know the lady,
but I didn't think she would be
involved with...certain people.

Marina?! Tha's caught Marina with
some other reckless fool?! Who?!

You won't believe.

We shan't if you won't tell us.

I know how he feels. My missus went
off with this really ugly bloke...

I wouldn't mind
if he'd been better looking than me.

Where is she going to find anybody
better looking than you?

Is he taking the wee-wee?

I think there's a possibility.

So, come on, Howard,
tell us who it is.

You wouldn't believe it...
so I'll show you.

It's worse than I thought!

What are you all doing here?
Hubert and Hilda's wedding.
What are you doing here?

I'm supposed to keep it a secret,
but it's Clegg's birthday. He wanted
us to go for lunch somewhere quiet.

It's no concern of mine since I
hardly know the young lady, but what
are you doing leading her astray?

She got picked up accidentally!
It's Cleggy's birthday!

Why should he have
a present of those proportions?!

Come off it! She's safer with him
than being in a nunnery!

Oh, Norman, if only you knew!

What are they all doing here?
They're at a wedding.

You ought to find your Howard.
I don't like to see men suffering.

At weddings.

Howard!

It was just an invite for lunch!
I understand that now.

I forgive you. I believe you're
jealous, Howard. Of course I am!

Oh, Howard!

Oh, Marina! Oh, heck!

She's with them!

It's true.
They kindly invited me for lunch.

It's his birthday.

Norman!

I knew it!

Where is everybody?
There's a lot of good food upstairs.

Come on, get dug in. Bring your
friends. Bring their lady friend.

Happy birthday, Norman.

ALL: Happy birthday, Norman.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Norman

# Happy birthday to you! #

- Where's Norman Clegg?
- Where's Cleggy?

Where's the birthday boy?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd