All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine S24 E09 The second husband and the showgirls

I know it's not easy to tell, but
is Smiler looking more miserable
than usual? He's looking for love.

Has he thought of marrying instead?
With a face like that, it's
more suitable. I've been married.

She left. I expect she couldn't take
the excitement. She should've said.

I could've lowered my sparkle a bit.
Maybe it's nothing personal.

Maybe she thought tha were dead.
I could liven up for the right
person. I don't want anything flash.

Just as well, because I don't think
tha's GOIN' to get anything flash.
Have you any experience of flash?

I play the mouth organ. Only sadly.

I LIKE sadly. Oi! Enough. If I want
depressing, it's available at home.

In all sizes. Our lass
and her sister keep a full range.

HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE
"Here's looking at you, kid."

CLICK-CLICK!

Have you been too long in the fumes
from that window cleaning stuff?

You haven't forgotten our click?!
It got you going in the old days.

Oh, THAT click.

CLICK-CLICK!

How come it doesn't work any more?

Maybe cos it's hard to distinguish
from your new-false-teeth clicks.

Why is it you don't look at me
like you used to?
What, in amazement?

I still do.
When you were young, you used to
look at me like I was Mr Magnifico.

Ooh - not only young but stupid.

You didn't think that when I used to
sneak up on you and nibble your ear.

Oh, it were you, were it?
Course it was me.

Now, that's how I used to look
at you.

I don't think he even saw us.

Maybe he heard you clicking.
See what happens?

My mistake. I thought there was
someone at the door. Oh, sorry, yes,

come in...

Shouldn't I be saying that?
Oh, right. Yes, it's me to come in.

How do, Truly?

LOUD KNOCK

Mrs Leland!

Hey up!
He thinks he's a Mrs Leland.

Do you think
he'll want the best china?

Cleggy,
do you think I look attractive?

That's two going strange.
Is it their annual outing?
He looks a bit odd this morning.

Looks better than thee in that
pinny. SHE dresses me up like this,

then she forgets how attractive
she used to find me. I can see how
that could skip somebody's mind.

First name - Norris.

Mrs Norris Leland...

He can have the best china but I'll
not start calling him Mrs Leland.

Why would he want to be
a Mrs Leland? You tell us.

Tha's the one in the pinny. Enough
of being a doormat for the wife!

Time she was reminded who's boss.
Ooh! What's tha going to do,
Howard? I'm going to INSIST

on a plain pinny. No frills.

A butcher's apron.
One or two nasty stains.

Not real blood?!

Tomato sauce?
I like it!

Don't look now,
but I think we're being stared at

by a Mrs Leland.
..Who's coming with me?

To be a lady? I don't think so.
To meet this fellow. Norris Leland.

If you're going to meet somebody,
why do you need company? Not company
exactly. It's more your backup.

Who's put thy back up?
..Wouldn't surprise me
if it's that bloke Doris. Backup.

Police training - unless there's no
option, you never go into a tricky
situation without some backup.

Are we to understand
this is some dangerous situation
you're kindly inviting us into?

Well, it has the potential
for being nasty.

Sounds more attractive by the
minute. Who is this Norris Leland?

He's the bloke who's married the
former Mrs Truelove. ..Ye gods! You
don't suppose he'd bring her along?

Don't panic. She can't hurt thee
now she's remarried.
She'd be offside.

Never being one to pry...
What is actually in the letter?

He's got some insurance papers
that need my signature. Read the
small print. There may be a clause

which lets him send her back.

How much money that could've gone
to a better cause have you spent
on that dating agency? I told him!

He should've got a season ticket.
Have they found you anybody yet?

Or have you been reduced in their
sale? They nearly found me somebody
last month. I sent her a photo,

but then she had to stay in
and build a patio.

It so happens that a good fairy is
just about to come to your rescue.

Instead of wasting your money,
why not spend wisely with
another agency who can do you good?

There isn't another one round here.
Oh, really?

Take a business card. You?

Since when have you run
a dating agency?

Since I saw how much he's spending.
The cards are yours to keep

for 5p each, refundable on
signature of your first contract.

Have you got any females
on your books?

How about, just for openers,
two sisters, unattached,

former showgirls?
Any more questions?

Will you take a cheque?

I shouldn't be standing out here
in the open. He could be some sort
of lunatic. He MARRIED her.

Well, YOU married her.
Exactly. You see what I mean?

Stay here, I'll wait there till
you make sure she's not with him.

RUMBA MUSIC

CRASH!

SPAGHETTI-WESTERN MUSIC

She said you were a hard man.

Me?

I used to be a lino salesman.

You're not still carrying
your Stanley knife?

It's him you want.

Is he alone? He's alone.

Mr Truelove? Correct.

Mr Leland? Correct.

I suppose these are the thugs
you've brought to intimidate me?

Hey up! I'm a direct descendant of
Robin Hood. Oh, take what you want.
She warned me to bring no valuables.

Put your hands down. These two
couldn't intimidate a Brownie.

Some of them are nasty,
those Brownies!

Is there somewhere we could go?
I-I think it's only fair to give
you time to study the papers.

I intend to. I intend to have 'em
looked at by my financial adviser.

She said you'd say that. They're
all above-board. We've no objection.

His financial adviser?
I hope it's not me or thee.

Are these two gentlemen coming?
I thought you'd be alone. I intended
to be, but they insisted on coming.

I find that somewhat sinister.
If you can brave my missus,
you can cope with these two.

She's not your missus. Sorry.

The exit's this way.
Yeah, I know, I can read the sign!

This is gonna be a laugh a minute.
He wants taking somewhere
where we can liven him up a bit.

Not everybody drinks, you know.

Yeah, I've read that.

Morning, Ivy! Now, a quiet corner
table please, Ivy, where one can
discuss a little private business.

They're all private! Who'd listen
in on YOU? You don't think anyone's
interested in YOUR business?!

(Who is he?) His tango instructor.
I'll tango you, in a minute!

They're, er,
they're sort of vaguely related.

Oh, you mean like Billy is
to his brains?

I love coming here.
It's just like being at home.

It's the bloke who married his
former missus. What's he come for,

her log book? Just something
for him to sign. It must be funny
staring at your wife's husband

and he's happily married.
I wouldn't say "happily".

He's just bearing up.
Oh, he told you that?

Well, you don't ask.
These things are personal.

You seem to know enough about it,
anyway. Who else have you told?

Me? Nobody. My lips are sealed.

You popped in the paper shop.
How many did you tell? I bumped
into one of my former Merry Men.

Merry Man. You only had one. Well,
he was there. Entirely trustworthy.
A former comrade in arms.

We're being stared at.
Well, they're curious.

To see what you look like.
So was I. Me, too. I suppose
she gave you a description of me.

Several. But you came anyway. It was
that or SHE would've had to come.

You made the right decision.

Do you think
we could go somewhere quieter?

You CAN come in, Barry.
No need to stay in the kitchen
just cos the ladies are here.

I like the kitchen. Honest!
It's only when they're here

that I realise how MUCH I like it.
They won't bite. Really?

I wouldn't expose my neck
to your mother.

So how long's this person
been married to Mr Truelove's wife?

Oh, I don't think for a minute
she's still Mr Truelove's wife.
Well, no,

that might be too complicated.

Interesting, but complicated.

Two husbands? I'd have thought
one would've been enough.

Even a small one.
I've got all I want, thank you,

sitting in the kitchen. Ooh(!)

A new washing machine? That's nice.
I don't know why
some of YOU married at all.

We've ALL wondered that.

Has anybody seen him? What does he
look like, this second husband?
PHONE RINGS

Hello...? Oh, hello, Mr Truelove...
Insurance forms? Yes, Mr Truelove,
I do quite a bit of that.

Mr Truelove wants me to look at
insurance forms with him and some
gentleman. It's the second husband!

You'll get a good look at him.
You must go Barry. And make notes.
Say you'll go, Barry.

I'm not that much of an expert.

GO, BARRY!

Hey, up!

Is this the second husband, then?
Oh, good grief!

What kind of communication do you
have round here? We have our own
satellite. I suggest a drink,

until my financial adviser arrives.
She said you'd either be hostile
or ply me with drink.

Ply? Nobody plies. Tha'll stand thy
round! I doubt it'll be more than
one. It's not a festive occasion.

He TALKS like a second husband.
My missus' second one was the same.

Gobby.

Yes, it's an area notorious for
tactful landlords. ..I think we'd
better take Mr Leland to a table.

Er, what's tha drinking, Doris...?

Norris!
Just something small for me.

Small and lethal or small and just
wet? Small and wet is just fine!

He's gonna need some livening up,
is yon.

Yeah, there seems to be a lively
market in used wives these days.
There is HERE.

How how many husbands
has your missus had? I'm the third.

Does she ever get confused?

I have this T-shirt
with "No. 3" on it.

Does she ever call you
by the wrong name? Huh!

I dunno a wrong name she hasn't
called me. Sounds like she's ready
for No. 4. You sit down, Billy.

I'll get the drinks, eh? ..You'll
have to excuse him. His mother
was frightened at birth. What by?

Him.

How's thy missus, then, Norris?
Yes, I was wondering that.

She's fine, thank you. No. Come on.
How is she, honestly? I've just
told you - fine. We're both fine.

Are you sure
you've got the right address?

That's her all, right.

Pay attention. This is the biggie!
Former showgirls! We've gotta get
this one right. How do we do that?

We pull out all the stops, don't
we? Now, first appearances are very
important. What are we gonna wear?

I usually wear this. And they
usually turn and go home!
I know what you usually wear.

That's why you're still single.
..Auntie, these former showgirls,
what kind of things do they like?

Oh, well, let's see...

Now, Queenie and Babs...

D'you hear that? Queenie and Babs!

Showbiz names. A real touch of the
old theatrical glamour here, boy.

Horse riding. Equestrian pursuits.

Ooh, bit classy! Good sign.

I can't ride horses. Have you tried?
I don't imagine you've ever
even considered the advantages

of Auntie Wainwright's
Riding School and Livery Services.
Nobody has got to ride horses.

It just gives a clue as to
the kind of thing we ought to wear.
The girls are horsey. Fair enough.

We know where we stand.
Yeah... Yeah.

Would you tell the gentleman
at that end of the table it's
a simple document? He's read it,

and it simply requires
his signature.

Did tha get that, Truly? I got it.

Kindly tell the gentleman at that
end of the table I sign nothing
without my financial adviser.

Message received and understood?
Understood.
She said he'd be difficult.

Tell him SHE was the difficult one.

Tell him she said he'd say that.

Excuse me, sorry. That's OK. Sorry.

I'm terribly sorry! It's OK, love!

HE looks cuddly.
There's only one,
how would we divide him up?

Might be fun finding out.
..Fancy a drink, Juicy Fruits? M...

Me... Me... I have an appointment.

O-Over there.

Talk about a terrifying experience!

Not now, Barry, you can have one
later. Here, cast your eyes
over these documents.

You'll find them perfectly in order.

Tha were making good friends at
the bar there, Barry. Who are they?

I think it's a visiting rugby team.
Shouldn't there be more?

They ARE more. Concentrate, Barry,
then you can go back
to your friends. Read these, lad,

and tell me if there's any reason I
shouldn't sign. No reason whatever.

You sure about this, Mr Truelove?
I'm mainly experienced with houses.

Ouch! Not only expert
but extremely modest.

The sharpest financial brain in the
area. ..Read the documents, Barry.

I'm reading, I'm reading.

Mr Truelove tells so many tales of
his former wife, it makes you wonder

what kind of a person has married
her this time. My Barry will be able
to give us a description.

Do you think he will(?)
Do you think men ever notice
anything that really matters?

True. Unless it has skirts up to its
eyebrows, they're effectively blind.

My Barry has exceptional eyesight,
with glasses.
My Barry's usually reliable.

Sometimes I worry about you.

How many times do I have to tell
you? One thing you can rely on is
they're not reliable.

Is it about
a party of the first part?

I've always wanted to meet
a party of the first part.

You wonder what they eat for
breakfast. Would they wear boxer
shorts? I never wondered that.

No, of course, because you're busy,
aren't you? On account being
a direct descendant of Robin Hood.

That must be it.
HE never wore boxer shorts.

Not under them tights. It would've
ruined the aerodynamics.

It's all fairly straightforward.
Seems OK to me, Mr Truelove. You'll
forgive me if I say I told you so.

Tell the gentleman at the end of
the table that only a fool signs a
document without some legal advice.

I wouldn't call it LEGAL ad...

M-My pleasure, Mr Truelove.

When did tha meet Mrs Truelove,
then? She's not Mrs Truelove!

Sorry. He will be.

I heard that.
She said you'd be vindictive.

SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC

I-I hear they're altering
the one-way system again!

Well, just thought I'd mention it.

I've never really got to grips
with the existing one-way system.

But I understand there's a chap
in Arnold Street who claims to have.

They're like that in Arnold Street.
So what I was wondering is...
shall we have another drink?

Or would you just prefer to argue?

There'll be no arguments.

It's not my nature
to quarrel with old men.
Old men? You're the same age as me.

I am several years younger.
She told me.

Norris, tha's a tomboy!

I was Truly of the Yard, lad.
I'll show you who's an old man.

I knew it. Here we go.
A challenge. I like a challenge.

Choose your weapons! I ought to
be going. Tha daren't go. Tha'll
have to pass them two at the bar.

You're right. I daren't go.

Ooh...! I have to tell you

I don't feel natural
in riding britches. You look great.

You've got the legs for a horse.
Just remember what it's all for.
It's worth a bit of effort. Hey!

Come on. Babs and Queenie!
They're real showbiz names.
Babs and Queenie, wow!

Suppose they want to see the horses?

We've sent 'em back to the stables,
haven't we? The grooms took them.
We've got grooms?

Not a lot. Just a few grooms.
We've got to lay it on a bit thick.
These are former showgirls!

They're used to the glitz
and the glamour. Aww...

D'you fancy a wrestle, Juicy Fruits?

I'm sorry, I'm expecting a hernia.

What a couple of primulas!

No, no, no! It's pathetic.

You need some practice. ..You take
this one, love, and I'll take this
twit here. They need the training.

You're sure you want to attempt it?
I used to be Truly of the Yard.

I-I don't believe we've met.
We're just about to,
you cuddly old devil!

By gum, they're big, fine lasses!
I bet they could pull a bow.

I bet they could pull a caravan.

How're you doing, Norris? I wish we
could start with something smaller.

Don't fear love, I'll be gentle.
Course, she could be lying.
That's what I'm afraid of.

When we walk through into the pub,
the ladies'll just assume we've
been riding. We have been riding.

There you are.
Would I lie to you?
BICYCLE BELL RINGS

Hey up! Steady...!

Howard!

Sorry... What they don't tell you
about looking cool is that a person
can't see too well in these.

Why are you wearing a lady's blouse?

It is not a lady's blouse!
Why are you dressed like that?

Look who's talking! We've ladies to
meet. They're fond of horse riding.

I've got a wife to meet.
She thinks I'm past looking cool.

She may have something there. Pay
no attention. He's always nervous
when he gets this close to romance.

Dunno why. It's as close as I ever
get. Why are you looking for Pearl?
You normally head the other way.

I have nothing to hide.

I can walk into this pub
perfectly freely and face the wife.

ENGINE COUGHS

CAR BACKFIRES

Oh, she's a terrible old banger.
I couldn't offer you more than...

She's not for sale. In case anyone's
listening, I wish you two would
make it clear it's about a pick-up.

He's jacking the price up. I mean
it. She's not for sale. I can't come
all this way and not do business!

I thought we'd come for a peek at
Mr Truelove's wife's new husband.

I can't see why we can't - AND do
business. No. No sale! They say you
can't mix business with pleasure.

They seem to manage it
when it's funny-business.

MEN SING

# ..Always together
in all kinds of weather

# Dear old pals, jolly old pals... #

How long have they been drinking
companions? Since they had
a nasty experience together.

What nasty experience? Babs
and Queenie. Are they here? Where
are they? Next to Truly at the bar.

# ..Jolly old pals... #

I thought you said showgirls! Mmm.

Yorkshire Show, Lincolnshire Show.

How d'you like this, then, kid?

How do you like THIS, then, kid(?)

Come on, on you go!

They'll be getting married next.

Well, I expect life seems sweet
after Babs and Queenie.

Ah, he's so brave.
He's only going back to his missus.

Exactly. Without a murmur.

Do you think he'll be all right?

Well, YOU survived. Only just.

What about me and my missus?
Who feels sorry for me?

Well, we do really, Billy. Tha does?
Is that true? I think that's nice.

I think this is getting
disgustingly sentimental.

It's time something happened
to bring us down to earth. It has.

You're standing in it.

That... Well, that...

And sort of, you know, quite....
Oh, really!

He was... He had a hat!