All language subtitles for Inside No. 9 - 1x5 - WEBRip

This, and what needful else

that calls upon us,
by the grace of Grace,

we will perform in measure,
time and place.

So, thanks to all at once
and to each one,

whom we invite to see us
crown'd at Scone.

I'll bring that book in for you. Yeah!

Arsehole.

That bloody speech gets longer
and longer every night.

I'm lying there with that belt
buckle sticking in me,

and he's just droning on.

I mean, I'm dead, the play's over, isn't
it? Who gives a toss about Malcolm?

Ow!

Sorry. I'll take them up to wardrobe
to get them stretched out for you.

That would be good, 'cause I did ask
for that three weeks ago, didn't I?

Sorry, Tony.

You see? That's four minutes added on
to the second half

just 'cause the casting director
of the Donmar's in.

Visitors at stage
door for Mr. Warner, thank you.

Shit! What are people like?

I've just done three hours
of Shakespeare,

now I've got to give another
performance in here.

Do you want me to get them?
Yeah, I suppose so.

But after five minutes, remind me
I've got something on tomorrow morning.

What?
I don't know...

A voiceover or something.
Use your imagination.

I just don't want
to get stuck with them.

Okay.

Whew!

Hi, Kirstie.

Hey, Tony!
Hi, Jim.

Well done for tonight.
Good audience, I thought.

Were they? There was a lot of reading
of programs, from what I could see.

"Oh, look, Malcolm was in Doc Martin."
So what?

Look up, people. This is theater,
it's happening now in front of you.

They seemed to really enjoy it.

It's Shakespeare, Jim.
They're not meant to enjoy it.

So,
how are you getting on with the lines?

Good. It's really useful watching you
every night, helps it all sink in.

We've actually got an understudy run
on Friday, if you wanted to come.

I'd love to, but I'm pretty sure
I've got a voiceover on Friday.

What time is it?
Two o'clock.

Yeah. That's when it is.
Exactly then. Damn!

Well, not to worry.

Who have you got coming around?
Is it the woman from the Donmar?

Oh, no. They won't see me
for the Donmar.

Not their type of actor, apparently.

No, this is my neighbors,
Bill and Jean.

I don't know why they've come,
to be honest.

I've got absolutely nothing to say
to either one of...

Bill! Jean!

Lovely to see you.

Thanks so much for coming.

No, no, no, we enjoyed it,
didn't we, Jean?

Oh, yes.
"When shall we three meet again"!

Yeah. I still don't know
how you learn all those lines.

Oh, well. It's just my job.
I probably couldn't do what you do.

What do you do?

Hospital porter.

Well. There you go, you see?

There was a porter in this,
wasn't there?

I said to Bill, "That should be you."

Ah!

So, you enjoyed it then?

Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, yes.

The sets and the lighting make it, don't
they? They give it the atmosphere.

Yes. Nothing to do with the boring
old actors, is it?

Oh no, I'm not saying that.
Though we liked Malcolm, didn't we?

Oh, yes.

And you'd seen him in that program,
what was it?

Doc Martin.
That's it.

He likes it for the Cornwall.

Yeah, he played a fisherman in that.

You'd never believe it was
the same person, would you?

No, no. He's a very clever chap.

And he has lovely diction, doesn't he?
I could have listened to him for hours.

Yes, well, I do. Every night.

Ah. So, Kirstie, is there...

Oh, sorry, yes. Would you like a drink?

No. No, no, no.
She forgets I'm four years on the wagon.

Really?

Yes. Haven't touched a drop,
and feel much better for it.

No, I wondered if there was
anything, um...

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Remember, you've got
a voiceover tomorrow morning.

Oh, have I?

I think so. Yes?

For tampons.

Tampons.

Well, in that case...

Actually, you said that was Friday.

Did I?

Yes. Can't remember, now.

Well, we are taking you out for dinner.

Oh, no, you're not.

Oh. yes, we are!

We booked a table at Papa Del's.
Come on, Jean. Grab his coat.

No! I don't want to go!

Tony. your phone!

Seriously, Bill...

"And pity, like a naked new-born babe,

"striding the blast,
or heaven's cherubim, horsed

"upon the sightless couriers of the air,
shall blow the horrible deed..."

No.

Uh, terrible deed.
No.

Awful. Dreadful. Evil.
No. No. No.

Nasty, crap, shitty...
No.

It's "horrid".
Oh, I said "horrid"!

No, you said "horrible".

Come on, that's close enough.

Yes, it's close enough if you want
to be an understudy all your life.

Don't start.

Sitting in the dressing room doing
sudokus, while Tony gets all the glory.

It's just a job, there's nothing I can
do about that, is there?

Yes, there is.

We're about to do a run-through in front
of the director. You make an impression.

I'm sorry. I don't do impressions.

Come on! "Shall blow the horrid deed..."

"The horrid deed in every eye,

"that tears shall drown the wind.
I have no spur

"to prick the sides of my intent,

"but only vaulting ambition,
which o'erleaps..."

Excuse me. What the fudge are you doing
in Tony's dressing room?

That is a sackable offense.

Hi, Fliss.
Kirstie said it would be all right.

Oh. You take your orders
from the dresser now, do you?

Not the company manager?

We don't take orders from anyone,
we're not in the SS.

Speak for yourself, sweetheart.

I'll allow it on this occasion, as it's
good for you to get to know the routine

should you ever need to go on for Tony,
which you won't.

Your understudy run starts
in T-minus 15 minutes.

We will be doing it all as-is,
except no blood, no swords, no fall.

No swords?
No.

Fight director's been hospitalized.

Apparently Derek Jacobi caught him
in the goolies with a nunchuck.

I don't remember that in The Merry Wives
of Windsor, but there you go.

We're not using the walking sticks,
are we?

It's just an understudy call, Jim.
It really doesn't matter.

Are those shop-bought lattes?

Yes. Sorry, I would have
got you one, but...

Did you sign yourself out
and sign yourself back in?

No. I was only gone two minutes.

Go and do so, please. Stage door.

You can't be serious.

Fire is serious, Laura.
That's why we have procedures.

Jim.
Yes, I'm sorry.

Your Lady Macbeth frock
is being pressed.

But, um...

Be good if you could just
pop your jeans and top off now.

What?
Just... Save time.

I'm not doing that.

Oh, well. Can't blame a girl for trying.

There. I'm officially back.

All right. Thank you, Jim.

Warm up in five and then we will aim
to start the run at half-past.

Oh, and do try and talk quickly,
if you don't mind.

Some of us have got to do it
for real tonight.

I can't fucking stand her.

Why is it all company managers
hate actors?

It's in the job description.

"Wanted. Sneery, wine-guzzling lesbian
to work backstage.

"Must have own black sweatshirt
and no sense of humor."

God. I could do a sandwich run
and get paid more.

Well, we don't do it for the money,
do we? We do it because we love it.

We do do it for the money.

We're getting married in six months.

I know. It's expensive, isn't it?
Shall we just not bother?

Jim!
I'm joking, I'm joking.

Sorry.

I just need to hang this up.

Kirstie, do you know how much
Tony gets paid?

You can't ask that.

I don't know,
he never opens his pay slips.

Really?

Yeah. Just throws them in the bin.

Oh. In that case...

What are you doing?

I want to know.

Laura!

Jesus!

Well, he's the lead, isn't he?
I'll get there.

How much more do you get
if you go on for him?

Well, not that.
At least double what I'm on now.

He won't go off though.
He's never been off, has he, Kirst?

No.

Well, maybe you should just
leave the soap on the floor

outside the shower, that would do it.

Don't be mean.

For once, I want to go on as the
real thing, in front of a real audience.

Ow.

What is it?

There's a pin in this, Kirstie. Shit!

Oh, sorry.

It just needs stitching.
I'll get you a plaster.

Clumsy bitch.
That could have hurt someone.

Let's have a look.

Oh, dear.

"By the pricking of my thumbs...

"Something wicked this way comes."

Stop it, vampire.

"Make thick my blood.

"Stop up the access
and passage to remorse,

"that no compunctious
visitings of nature

"shake my fell purpose."

Ladies and
gentlemen of the Macbeth company...

That's the understudy company,
not the actual one.

Can you make your way
to the stage, please, for the warm-up...

She's only doing that to wind me up.

Oh, ignore her. Good luck.

Stop it. You don't want to tempt fate.
Come on.

They've started already.

Jim!

Angels are
bright still, though the brightest fell.

Boring!

Why don't you fuck off back to Cornwall,
and do some more Doc Martins?

You hateful little prick!

Honestly, I have never in my life...
Is this me?

Yes.

I have never in my life witnessed such
a selfish performance onstage.

And you know the most annoying thing?

It works.

This tedious little queen...
Get me my juice.

Has just been offered Uncle Vanya
at the Donmar Warehouse.

Vanya! That's my part.

I was born to be Vanya, and they gave
the part to him. Fucking arseholes!

Which, by the way, Kirstie, is how
he got the job in the first place.

What in God's name is going on?
I don't know.

I've just had to issue eight refunds

because Macbeth vomited onstage and
said "Is this a dildo I see before me?"

He's not well.
He's pissed.

Give me that bottle, Tony.
Juice.

Give it to me.
Juice!

Ugh!

Jesus Christ.

It's two-thirds vodka.
So what?

So, when Banquo came on, you said,
"Fuck me, there's a ghost."

I thought he was on the wagon.
Felicity...

Felicity, get the director down here
now. I want to make some changes.

We will be making some changes,
all right. Go and get Jim.

All right, Tony.

Huh?

How many fingers have I got up?

Don't talk to me like that,
I'm not your girlfriend.

I'm serious.

Three.
What's your first line in Act Five?

"Bring me no more reports,
let them fly all.

"Till Birnam wood remove to Dunsinane,
I cannot taint with fear."

All right. Okay.

I'm just going to pop you in the shower,
Tony, okay?

Ah, saucy. Are you coming in?

No, I'm not.

I bet you've got
a nice little pair of titties

under that big black top, haven't you?

You've got five minutes.

I could cure you, you know!

Bloody turns.

What's going on, Fliss?

Do you know the lines?

I think so.

Are you sure? You dried
in the understudy run last week.

That was just nerves. There were some
people watching from The Lion King.

I didn't expect to see Pumbaa
in full makeup.

Look. I don't like doing this,

but if he doesn't sober up
in the next four minutes,

I'm going to have to send
you on to finish the show.

Shit.
I need to know if you're ready, Jim.

I...
Well?

He's ready. Get the costume on, Jim.
We'll go through the lines.

You can do this.
It's what we've been waiting for.

I'll make that call, thank you, Laura.

Stay where you are, please.

I'll just hang this up.

Right, Kirstie.
Get Tony out of the shower.

I'll be back in two minutes
to make a decision.

Can I go in, now?
Yeah.

Oh, God. I can't do it.

Of course you can.

It's all the fights. We weren't allowed
to practice them, were we?

The other actors will help you,
you'll get through on adrenaline.

This is your chance.

All you have to do

is take it.

Right! I'm ready, let's do this.

Are you sure you're all right?

Course I'm all right, get me my juice!

Tony, you don't have to do this.

Actors are allowed to be ill.

David Suchet, he missed the last act
of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with diarrhea.

Yes, but he still made the curtain call.
Shame he was in a white suit, though.

If he's feeling better,
then he should do it.

It'll make more sense for the audience.

Exactly!

"Before my body I throw my warlike
shield. Lay on, Macduff,

"and damn'd be him that first cries,
'Hold, enough!"'

That was it, Jim.

That was your chance.

It's not my fault.
He said he's all right.

He's drunk a full bottle of vodka.

How do you know?

Look at the state of him!

I try and help you, Jim.

But you just don't want it enough.

I'm only the understudy.

I'm there if they want me.
What?

Stuck in the corner of the room,
like a television on standby?

Yes.

I'm sorry, Laura. I can't...

Can't change who I am.

Out, out, brief candle!

Life's but a walking shadow...

A poor player that struts
and frets his hour upon the stage

and then is heard no more.

It is a tale, told by an idiot...

Full of sound and fury, signifying...

Nothing.

Medic to the stage, please.
Medic to the stage.

Tony. Tony, are you all right?

Try not to move, Tony.

That's fine, isn't it?

Mmm. Think so.

Great.

Do you need anything else?
No, I'm all right, I think.

Oh! Nearly forgot.

Got you this.
Oh, Kirstie.

It's nothing.

You're really kind. You shouldn't have.

Knock, knock.

Right, I'll leave you to it.
Thanks.

Actually, Kirstie, could you get me
one of those juice drinks

that you used to do for Tony?
And I can't find my boots, are they...

Oh, sorry. I'll get them.

How are you doing?
I feel like I haven't seen you.

Well, been rehearsing, haven't I?

Finally got to get through the fights.
With a sword, this time,

rather than a roll of wrapping paper.

Are you nervous?

Uh... No.

I just popped down to say break a leg.

Ha. That's a bit near the bone,
under the circumstances.

I know. How is he?

Still in hospital.
They're doing tests on his spine.

Poor Tony.

Still, that's what happens if you
get pissed on the battlements.

Could have been worse,
but he fell on a gargoyle.

Felicity wasn't onstage, was she?

It's not funny, Laura.

It's weird.
Now she's gone, I quite miss her.

Thought you hated her.

Yeah, but I still feel sorry for her.

She just made the wrong call, that's
all. She should have sent you on.

You shouldn't have said she was
sexually harassing you, though.

I never said that.
I don't know where that's come from.

Well, that's why she was sacked.

Anyway.

I've booked a table at Papa Del's
for after the show.

My sister's in, so we can...
I'd love to, but...

I'm already going out with the cast.

They're taking me to Joe Allen's.
I could hardly say no, could I?

We'll come with you.

Your sister.

Yeah.

Joe Allen's.

Why not?

It's always very awkward,
mixing actors and civilians.

You know what they're like, they're even
funny about including the understudies.

I'm an understudy.

I know you are.

Ladies and
gentlemen of the Macbeth company,

this is your half-hour call.
Thirty minutes, please.

Look. Let me get through tonight, and
then we'll talk about it after, okay?

You'll be fantastic.

I won't if I don't concentrate.

Sorry, Laura.
I just need to get my head together.

Are you asking me to go?

I am, really, yes.
I just need to prepare.

All right. I'll see you later, then.

Laura...

Yeah?

Thanks.

What for?

This.

When do we know
who's playing the girl?

Oh, God.

Oh, by the way, did I tell you
I've got my old dressing room back

for Dick the shit?

Yeah.

It's all been done out.
Yeah, was that anything to do with me?

Come on, I bet it was.

All right. I'll speak to you later.
Okay, bye, Maureen.

Sorry about that.

Not at all.

Now, do you remember
that conversation we had

about a meet-and-greet with
the lovely disabled people?

That's not now, is it?
Why can't they do it after the show?

You know I don't like people
in during the half.

You won't have time after the show.

It's not a problem.
I'll tell them you're not available

and that's just the way it is.

It's all right, Nick, send them in.
But five minutes, though.

And then tell them
I've got to do something.

You're a gentleman, sir.

And thanks so much for signing these.
The understudies will be delighted.

"Now is the winter..."

Now!

"Now is the winter of our discontent..."

"Made glorious summer
by this sun of York."

Played him in Stratford, '82.
Michele Dotrice was my Lady Anne.

How are you, Jim?

Oh, Tony!

Good to see you, mate.

What are you doing here?

I've come to see you, haven't I?

Crip trip.
We get free tickets, don't you know?

Oh, it's so nice to see you.
How long's it been?

It's been 19 months and three weeks.

And how's things with you?
I've heard nothing but raves.

Oh, well, I learnt it all
from the master, didn't I?

Look, I've even got
my juice drink, look.

Yes, I...
I don't touch that stuff anymore.

Still, every cloud has a silver lining.
You've been busy.

Ah, well, it's been nonstop.
Obviously, we took Mackers to Broadway.

Yes.

And I was straight back to Ireland
for Game of Thrones.

Yes.

But what about you?
I heard you're doing talking books.

That's right.
I'm giving Jarvis a run for his money.

I've just finished Everything You Need
To Know About the EU.

Fascinating stuff.

You think you know
the half of it, but...

Yeah. Sounds... Sounds good.

They've done this room out nice.

Yes, yes. My agent, I think.
Embarrassing, really.

Well, my agent gave me this blanket.
Small checks.

Good.

So good to see you.

How is that lovely girlfriend of yours,
have you done the decent thing yet?

What, you mean Susie?

No. Pretty one, understudied Lady M.
You were engaged, weren't you?

Oh, Laura!
No, no, we're not together anymore.

No, I don't know
what she's up to these days.

Ah. Shame.

She was a sweet girl.

Mmm.

Anyway, look, I don't want
to chuck you out,

but I've got to get
my calipers on, so...

Oh, yes, of course.
Looking forward to it.

Well, you're doing something right,
anyway. Keep at it.

You're having the career
for both of us, now.

Thanks.

Okay, wagons roll.

All done?

Thank you very much.

I'll get the lift for you,
if you'll walk this way. So to speak.

Kirstie?
Hello, Jim.

It is you.
Surprised you remember me.

Well, of course I remember you.
So, what, you're looking after Tony now?

Yeah. I'm his full-time carer.

Well, it's lovely to see you.
Hope you enjoy the show.

Oh, I've already seen it.

Really?

I've seen everything you've done
since we worked together.

Sometimes I come
three or four times a week,

just to see the little changes
in your performance.

Huh. Gosh.

I always knew you'd go far.
You just needed a little push.

Sorry, what do you mean?

Oh, this room looks better now.

More fitting for a star like you.

She made a real mess of it.

Who did?
Laura. When she killed herself.

What?

Sorry, didn't you know?

She slit her wrists in the shower,
blood everywhere apparently,

right through to the floorboards.

Laura's died?

Mmm.

I'm surprised you didn't know. But then,
why would you? You've been away.

Yes. I was a recurring character
in Game of Thrones.

Which you were brilliant in, by the way.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is your Act One beginners' call.
Act One beginners to the stage, please.

Better put that on.

I'll do that for you.

Just like old times.

Sorry. I shouldn't have said anything.
They obviously didn't want you to know.

I hope it doesn't affect
your performance.

Oh, no, it's okay.
It's just a bit of a shock.

I think I know why she did it, actually.

Why?

Laura was responsible
for Tony's accident.

She obviously
couldn't live with the guilt.

That wasn't Laura. It was me.

I spiked Tony's drink that day.
It was pure alcohol.

I took it from the wig store.

What?

And I got rid of Felicity for you.

She never would have put you on.

She couldn't see what I could see.

I said she cupped my breast
in the Wendy house backstage.

Instant dismissal.

Why would you say that?

For you, Jim. For your career.

I've seen it happen too many times.
Genuine talent not being recognized.

Looking after Tony is the price I pay
for what I did.

Just as Laura's death
is the price you pay.

That was nothing to do with me.

I know it wasn't.

Your career had to come first.
You told her that.

Look, Jim.

I took it from Laura.
I think she wanted me to have it.

I'm waiting in the wings.

Little understudy.

Have a good show.

I'll be watching.

Knock, knock.

You all set to smile and smile
and be a villain?

Yes. Sorry.