Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: From the most trusted

journalists at Comedy Central, it's America's only source

for news.

This is The Daily Showwith your host, Michael Kosta.

[theme music]

# #

Baby, let me feel that.

Oh, yeah.

Welcome to The Daily Show.

I'm Michael Kosta.

We've got so much to talk about tonight.

The news gets a chance to scare us again.

John Leguizamo takes on the Supreme Court.

And if you're watching this on the toilet with diarrhea--

what a great audience.

If you're watching this on the toilet with diarrhea,

you're not alone.

Hey, let's get into the Headlines.

[upbeat music]

# #

Hey, America. How you feeling?

Good? AUDIENCE: Yeah.

[cheering]

Is your tummy OK?

Well, enjoy it while it lasts.

This is not a happy morning topic.

Explosive diarrhea afflicting more than 3,000 people.

REPORTER 1: The parasite is called cyclospora.

So far, 3,000 cases have been reported in 32 states.

The symptoms are nasty, to say the least,

explosive diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, muscle

aches, debilitating fatigue.

You know, honestly, it could have just

stopped at explosive diarrhea.

Muscle aches aren't an issue at that point, you know?

I'm not going to be sitting on the toilet

shitting my brains out like, and my biceps are sore.

Seriously, this is not a helpful list.

These are also all the symptoms for being over 35.

I had a piece of cake at my kid's birthday.

I had every single one of these.

But I will say, butthole COVID really does sound awful.

It was really bad.

There were moments where I was literally just

camped out in the bathroom.

And, like, I don't care.

I'm just going to lay on this floor.

Anyway, you're going to blur my face

and change my voice before this airs, right?

I'm not going to be the face of lying on the floor

pooping to death, right?

I'm just joking.

You know, she's actually sharing her experience

to raise awareness.

She shouldn't be embarrassed.

It's these cloud-chasing TikTokers

who should be embarrassed.

I eat healthy, and I end up getting diarrhea for seven

days straight.

Like, bam, all day on the toilet.

The cramping, the stomach pain.

The worst thing about this was I felt disgusting.

Yeah, that's-- that's how diarrhea works.

It's disgusting.

It'd be even stranger if you were like,

I had diarrhea for five days, and man, did I feel sexy.

By the way, we shouldn't even be talking about how you

felt when you had diarrhea.

Tiktokkers, can I have a quick word with you over here?

Hey, Chad, you don't have to share everything.

You can always ask yourself, did anyone ask me

if I had explosive diarrhea?

If the answer is no, do what you couldn't do last week

and hold it in.

Now, you might be wondering, where

does this parasite come from?

Well, one company is taking responsibility.

REPORTER 2: Taco Bell saying they have voluntarily removed

some ingredients at select locations

as the foodborne parasite cyclosporiasis

rapidly spreads across the US.

Yeah, well, I guess we should have known.

They did just come out with their

new Diarreetos Locos Tacos.

So Taco Bell's been giving people the parasite.

I'm glad we cleared that up.

Case closed.

REPORTER 2: The company stating public health officials have

not confirmed a link to Taco Bell or

any specific ingredient, supplier, restaurant,

or retailer, adding they will closely monitor the situation.

Wait, so Taco Bell didn't cause this?

They just heard explosive diarrhea, and they were like,

yeah, that's--

must have been us.

We'll take it.

It actually turns out no one is sure where it's coming from.

And our media isn't helping us figure it out from using these

terrifying red outbreak maps, highlighting basically all

the states, high-tech graphics of the supposed parasite cell,

and when that's not seem scary enough,

feeling an entire screen with just four words,

"weeks of severe diarrhea."

I'm so scared by these graphics,

by the time I get the parasite, I'll have already shit myself.

By the way, how come every time there's a pandemic or outbreak,

they show us these close up headshots of the virus

like it's a wanted poster?

Like I'm going to see the parasite on the street

and be like, hey, it's the guy from the news!

Get him!

Please, news, you don't need to convince us

that explosive diarrhea is bad.

We're on board already.

Just tell us what we can do to avoid getting this parasite.

We'll do anything.

WOMAN: Wash the lettuce under running water.

Yeah, I'm out.

I'm not doing that.

I'm not doing that.

You're adding chores to eating a salad?

Eating a salad is the chore.

I'm not washing lettuce.

I'll give fruit a quick rinse.

Will that help?

WOMAN: I would let it run over these.

REPORTER 3: How long?

Probably for about five to six minutes.

Five to six minutes?

It's a kitchen, not an AI data center.

OK, so fruit's out.

Lettuce is out.

I guess I'll be grocery shopping at the gas station

until the CDC gets a handle on cyclospora.

By the way, why hasn't the CDC gotten

a handle on this cyclospora?

The CDC is also tackling the outbreak

with fewer staff, because it had cuts to its funding

last year.

CDC actually scaled back a decades-long federal state

partnership that monitors foodborne illnesses, including

those caused by cyclospora.

Hmm, OK.

Let me see if I can track this.

We cut the funding for the program that

tracks forever diarrhea, and now people

are getting forever diarrhea.

Let me see if I can figure this out.

[suspenseful music]

# #

I don't see any connection.

All I saw were these complicated math equations.

But hold on.

If we're cutting the funding that prevents Americans

from getting the disease that turns our guts inside out,

where exactly is our money?

REPORTER 4: An internal Pentagon estimate

puts the cost of the war with Iran

at between $80 and $100 billion.

REPORTER 5: That marking a significant increase

from the roughly $30 billion estimated

just three months ago.

[sighs]

Oh, I see.

Looks like our military budget also has diarrhea.

Well, America, I'm sorry to say,

but the money it takes to blow up Iran

is the reason we're blowing up our own bathrooms.

It's like how our grandparents grew their own crops

to support the troops during World War II,

except our version of this is power washing

the toilet with our butthole.

So when you hit week three of hell squirts, remember,

you're doing it for Uncle Sam.

When we come back, John Leguizamo gives us his opinion.

Don't go away.

Welcome back to The Daily Show.

We all know I've got great opinions,

but I'm not the only one.

Studies show that other people also have opinions.

So here with another installment of In My Opinion

is our good friend John Leguizamo.

[upbeat music]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yo, yo, yo. What's up?

What's up?

I'm John Leguizamo, theater legend, civil rights icon, and

breakout star of The Odysseyand

most importantly, proud American by way of Colombia.

Gracia, gracia.

Now, I came to Los Estados Unidos as a very adorable child

and then became a citizen.

But one of the cool things about this country

is that if you're born here, no matter

where your parents are from, you're automatically a citizen.

You're free to do all the things that Americans

are allowed to do.

[applause]

Like vote, like serve in Congress, or like a bus on fire

when the Knicks win in five.

[cheering]

Wait, you're not allowed to do that?

All right, my bad.

Now, not everyone thinks this birthright

citizenship is a good thing.

But luckily, it's in the Constitution.

And I was certain that when it got

challenged recently, that the Supreme

Court would uphold it 9-0.

The Supreme Court, with just a narrow majority,

ruled that Donald Trump's effort

to undo birthright citizenship was unconstitutional.

The decision was 6-3.

6-3?

6-3?

How was that not unanimous?

This is the kind of thing you want everybody to be on board

with, like a threesome.

Y'all are dirty.

Or in the case of the Supreme Court, a nine-some.

OK, I'm sorry I put that in your heads.

Alito sits in the cock chair.

You know, it's called birthright citizenship.

Either you're born here or you're not.

There's no gray area.

It's not like the Duty Free shop at LaGuardia.

Birthright citizenship has been in the Constitution

since 14th Amendment in 1868.

It's literally older than the light bulb, the zipper,

and Mitch McConnell, barely.

But when the ruling came down, Constitution-loving

conservatives started freaking out.

It's the legalization of an invasion of America.

It is an attack on this country,

its borders, and its people.

Demographic destruction.

It essentially just handed out

birthright citizenship to millions

of Chinese birth tourists.

No, wrong.

[imitates buzz]

It didn't just do anything.

It's continuing a right that already existed.

It's like if they ruled that Jersey is still a state.

I mean, I'm not happy about it either,

but there's nothing-- nothing's changed.

Look, it's not like 14th Amendment is confusing.

It says all persons born or naturalized

in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction

thereof are citizens of the United States.

Forget hooked on phonics.

You could understand that sentence

if you were hooked on crack.

My God, you don't need to translate it

into modern language, like that's some kind

of ancient Greek text that's getting

an incredible adaptation in theaters this weekend.

[cheering]

But the point is, America works on the Olive Garden rule.

When you're here, you're family, like these breadsticks.

Garlicky.

Now, the Trump administration says

that we're not talking about all children of immigrants.

We're only saying birthright citizenship

doesn't apply to children of people

here illegally or temporarily.

But how far back do you want to take that?

Because at some point, every white person

was here illegally.

So Trump's case got shot down for now.

But it's pretty clear that his people plan

to make another run at this.

And to sway public opinion, they're conjuring

up some pretty wild scenarios.

The idea that you could have a cruise ship filled

with foreigners and they just dock at a port for an hour

and someone has a baby, Jesse, the baby

is an American citizen.

What?

Having a baby in an hour?

Forget birthright citizenship.

I don't think you understand how birth works.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

It's not a cruise excursion.

You can't just pop into port and squeeze out

a baby while getting cornrows.

And their fear mongering over birthright citizenship

isn't just about taking white people's jobs

or exposing them to food that has flavor.

They're also claiming it's about national security.

So this is a huge national security threat.

And birthright citizenship, it's not random.

It's organized.

Chinese birth tourists come to America, have their kid

in America, on American soil, have no allegiance

to the United States.

They could populate Detroit, or

they could populate a swing state

and swing an election with just a few hundred thousand votes.

Yeah.

Swing this.

[cheering]

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

[applause]

If you're concerned about democracy,

don't worry about 100,000 Chinese kids swinging

an election in 20 years.

Worry about the one trillionaire with 100,000

kids doing that right now.

[cheering]

And this-- this isn't even a cost-effective

way to steal an election.

Do you know how much kids cost today?

The Chinese government's got to be like,

we just wanted to take over America,

and now we're on the hook for 100,000 private piano lessons?

That's not even the craziest theory they're

putting out there either.

We have people from all over the world,

from third-world nations, nations that on their own would

have never invented the wheel, let

alone modern technology, let alone medicine,

let alone air travel.

And they can just come into the country,

have a baby at a hospital, paid for by you and me,

and then that baby is automatically a citizen.

That baby can sit on a jury when he turns 18

and sit in judgment of you, and sit in judgment of me,

and sit in judgment of our loved ones.

OK.

OK.

First of all, I do like knowing that Stephen Miller

worries he might actually be put on trial someday.

[cheering]

Oh.

Oh, I can't wait to Nuremberg that mother [bleep].

But also, a baby who sits on a jury when he turns 18

is not a baby anymore, OK?

Although, that could be pretty cute. [IN BABY VOICE] We,

the jury, find you "adowable."

We sentence you to the "ewectwic" chair.

[laughter]

My god, these conservatives are just

making up the most ridiculous anti-American plots.

The Chinese could take over Detroit.

The Mexicans could all come in a cruise ship.

The Greeks could send a giant wooden horse as a gift

and then leap out at night.

I'm telling you, you got to see this on IMAX.

It's incredible.

[cheering]

The point is, these people call themselves conservatives,

but they're actually kind of radical.

They want to change the way we've understood citizenship

for nearly 200 years.

So we're now wasting the Supreme Court's valuable time

on birthright citizenship, when they

could be doing better things, like going

on a billionaire-funded golf junket.

The tragedy of this is that we're

rehashing questions that were already answered,

looking backwards when we should be looking

forwards, because we have more important questions

to answer today.

Like, how do we speed up the naturalization process?

How do we help people seeking asylum?

And most importantly, how do we get tickets to see The Odyssey,

opening this Friday in a theater near you?

[cheering]

But hey, that's just my opinion.

[upbeat music]

John Leguizamo, everybody.

When we come back, Molly Shannon

will be joining the show. Don't go away.

[cheering]

Welcome back to The Daily Show.

My guest tonight is a comedy legend,

an Emmy-nominated actor who stars

in the new Netflix series, The Hawk.

There is nothing in God's bag of miracles

that could get you out of the Korn Ferry

back up to the PGA TOUR.

But hey, if pigs start flying--

Hold on.

I wasn't done.

If you do make it back up to the PGA TOUR,

I will cut your dick off.

I will marinate it in garlic and olive oil.

Then I will slice it down the middle

and I will grill it 'til it's nice and crispy.

And then I will gently place it in a warm brioche hot dog bun.

And I will smother it in onions and brown mustard.

And then I will feed it to a cage of hungry rats!

Now I'm done.

Please welcome Molly Shannon.

[cheering]

[upbeat music]

# #

Come on.

Come on.

The audience is so nice.

I will cut your dick in two--

Oh my--

- -on a brioche bun?

Oh my god.

Word for word, that's what they wrote for me.

'Cause people ask me if I improvise.

And I was like, nope. MICHAEL KOSTA: Not that one.

Will Ferrell and his team of writers, that

is exactly what they wrote.

And it was fun to perform.

Yeah.

Also, what an honor for them to write those words, knowing

you're going to be excited to say those words.

I know.

Exactly.

The Hawk,you know, you play a very mean wife.

I've only known you for 35 seconds,

but you seem-- and you have a reputation

of being a nice person.

How were you able to play mean so well?

Do you hate Will that much?

I know.

That's so funny.

Well, when Will asked me to do it--

I was on the phone.

And he goes, Molly, can you play my wife in this TV show?

And you have to yell at me.

And I said, yes, of course, because it's Will Ferrell.

Like, of course.

You just say yes.

You don't look at a script.

You say yes.

But in all honesty, I was like, really?

You think I'm right for that?

And it requires real acting ability,

because Will and I are so close in real life

that-- we are thick as thieves.

We've been friends for 30 years.

We're such good buddies.

And so it's-- it's hard.

What's the key to you guys being good teammates together?

Because I mean, I remember watching you together in SNL.

And this whole series--

is it that you support each other?

How do you do that?

Exactly, very-- we really support one another.

We knew one another years ago, when we were first starting out

in comedy, doing, you know, little gigs

at comedy clubs, sketches.

And yeah, he came into my restaurant.

I waited on him.

We met through a mutual friend.

So we--

MICHAEL KOSTA: You were working as a-- at a coffee shop?

I worked at a coffee shop.

And was Will a famous actor yet?

No, he was just doing the Groundlings comedy school.

And I worked across the street at Melrose Baking Company.

And a friend said, I really think you're

gonna like this guy, Will.

And I go, yeah, bring him over to my restaurant.

And he came in. And--

It's funny.

When I go to coffee shops in LA, I think,

look at all these losers.

But really, I should be saying, these

could be the next Molly Shannon and Will Ferrells

- hanging out here. - Oh, yeah.

That's so funny.

You write about a lot in your book, which--

man, I love your memoir.

You're so open and honest.

There's so many funny stories.

So many of your characters have this physical toughness

attribute, even that clip.

You're going like this.

I love Mary Katherine Gallagher.

I mean, she's constantly--

[cheering]

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah.

It's hard-- it's hard not to just

do Superstar when I see you.

Oh, good.

I love that.

Do you approach, a character, wanting to use

your body in a physical way?

Is that the smartest question you've ever heard from anybody?

I love that.

Do I approach it wanting to use my body?

No, I don't really think about that.

But I do think that after our-- you know,

my mom died when I was little.

We were in a car accident.

And I think I had a recklessness when I did comedy,

where I just didn't care.

I would be so wild when I did Mary Katherine Gallagher.

I did it in my stage show, and I would definitely hurt myself.

My legs would bleed.

I would-- in the stage show, I would climb the rafters,

I would do crazy improvs, and I felt nothing.

And then I would wake up in the morning.

I'm like, oh my god.

I'm, like, bruised and cut.

And I kind treat it like punk rock.

But I had a recklessness because I

think went through trauma when I was little,

so I just didn't care.

I thought of it like, just--

I just didn't care.

But I would say-- and Sally O'Malley is

kind of me imitating my dad.

It's like a character who looks kind of like she's limping,

she's weak, but then she can kick.

Yeah, I mean--

Kick!

You know, it's like, she has power.

So it was basically-- thank you.

Thank you.

Are we still able to act with that physicality?

I mean, look, my back hurts-- sitting here

for 30 minutes my back hurts.

That's so funny.

Are you still able to superstar it and--

Yes, I can still do it.

But I was going to say, so that character is basically--

because my dad had a brace on his leg after our car accident,

it's kind of like I'm doing an impression

of when I was little, my dad couldn't walk fast.

I couldn't jump on his lap because he was injured.

So I think it's like-- it's supposed to be

kind of like, I may look weak.

I look like I'm limping.

But it was like my wish for him to kick

the braces off his legs.

Like, be strong, like I can [bleep] you all,

you know what I mean?

Kind of like he's a powerhouse--

sorry to swear.

Even tying this trauma from your childhood

into a character years later at SNL,

it's like when we watch you, it has a therapeutic release.

I don't know if it's for you.

It is for us.

But they're so grounded in reality.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you, thank you.

Is that the second most important question--

I love it. I love it.

But I was going to say, to answer your question,

like when I went back for the 50th,

I thought they might want me to do Sally

O'Malley because she's 50.

It's the 50th.

And I was like, oh God, can I still do this?

And so I definitely exercise and stretch and swim,

and I want to make sure I can still do that because it's not,

you know-- yeah, it takes physical ability.

I'm from Michigan. You're from Ohio.

I'm from Ohio, yes.

Midwest-- I'm always rooting for all Midwest people

to make it in show business.

Oh my god, I love it, yeah, yeah.

The hardest I ever saw my father laugh--

OK, I know that two times.

And I'll share with you the two times.

And you have not asked, but I'll be happy to share.

The second hardest he ever laughed

was when we were watching A Fish Called Wandatogether,

and he fell off the couch laughing.

The hardest I ever saw him laugh

was when you did Jeannie Darcy, the stand-up comic

in the old persons' home who has this confidence, even

though she's not really good at stand up comedy,

and people are literally dying around her.

Dying, dying.

[laughter]

I just want to share with you how much joy

that my father's no longer with us,

but I think of him laughing like that.

And isn't that cool?

I to talk to you.

You're Jeannie Darcy. I love that.

Yes, yes.

That's a great memory.

I love that your dad--

that's really cool that he loved that because that

was kind of toward the end of my run on SNL,

and I was so tired of getting laughs all the time.

I was like-- it's hard.

- Let's bomb on purpose. - It's hard.

Comedy is hard.

I think Conan said it once.

He's like, do you know how exhausting

it is to constantly be thinking of comedy bits or to be funny.

I'm actually a little more serious in real life,

but that character was a reaction

to I want to do a character that's like a terrible comic.

She does not get laughs.

I did it almost as a creative exercise, like a bad stand

up who's really awkward and should not be

in the field of show business.

But she keeps trying.

And so it was based on that, and

I really just did it to make Will Ferrell and

Jimmy Fallon laugh.

And so Scott Wainio wrote that sketch in the old age home,

where people are dying, and she doesn't even care.

She keeps doing her act.

I mean, as a stand up comic myself, I've done hard shows

and I think, well, it can't be as bad as Jeannie Darcy.

I mean, that's-- [laughter]

Let me ask you a question. Do you feel--

You're not allowed to ask me a question, are you?

Do you feel, Michael, like comedy and joking is a way to--

do you look at it as, like, wanting to bring people closer

or to push people away?

Well, I think, for me--

I mean, if we're going to do this shit, let's get into it--

I'm the youngest of 4, and I truly think, even at this age,

I'm just trying to get my parents to pay attention to me.

Aw, is that right?

- I mean, I think-- - Both of them?

Yeah, both of them.

And I think it was a busy house.

A lot was going on.

You felt loved, but there's just a lot going on, Molly.

Yeah, four kids-- sure.

And I remember, like, the very first time

I ever got a laugh, I was like, oh, this is good.

They're actually looking at me and want me to talk.

Aw-- but comedy takes on a therapeutic element.

What was your first joke, though,

where you got them to laugh or what-- when

you were a little kid, like--

The first joke or the first joke that got them to laugh?

The first time--

the first time you made them laugh and realized

like, ooh, that's good?

On stage or in my family?

In your family

Yeah, my brother and I used to do Michael Jackson moonwalk

impersonations, and I remember seeing them

be excited and laugh with us.

So that was fun.

So cute.

But enough about me.

No, I think we love that.

That's sweet.

Do you feel the Midwest shaped you at all--

Yes.

- -where you were at?

Tell me how because I love sharing-- if there's

anyone from the Midwest listening, I want them to know,

like, you can still make it in show biz.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a lot of funny people that come from the Midwest,

and we grew up in a double house.

We split paper towels in half, and

my dad would have us sneak into the pool

so we didn't have to pay.

He would say, say you're under 13.

And we would-- and then we'd go to Geauga Lake,

and he would want us to hop the fence so we didn't have to pay.

And so it was like-- you know, and snowing.

And I just feel like Midwestern--

I feel like there's good values from Ohio.

And I try to bring those-- and Michigan.

And I try to bring that politeness to show business.

I think I treat Lorne Michaels--

he probably thinks of me as a very Midwestern girl.

I'm polite, you know, and grateful, I would say.

Yeah, and you just-- even just from

watching you interact, you treat everybody

with a level of respect.

To me, that seems Midwest.

Yes, yes.

And I think when people get really miserable in show

business, where they're snapping

or being nasty to people, I get like, they must be unhappy.

Like, you know-- yeah, I don't want to be like that.

I come from knowing the value of--

I started out working in restaurants.

I bussed tables.

And my dad, I remember, picked me up after my,

you know, restaurant job.

And I was like, it's so tiring.

You have to buss these tables.

And he was like, that's how you make a $1.

And it's important for you to understand

that that hard work is that's, you know,

what it takes to make 14.

He was tough, you know.

You were grinding-- you referenced

this in the book a lot, which I was so thankful of.

You were grinding out, getting people to show

up to your one woman show.

And I was like, that's how a Midwesterner works.

Yes, exactly.

I love that.

And also, I think it was important to--

I was like, you know, it doesn't matter what happens.

I'm doing what I love.

I'm doing my show.

This is very meaningful.

I was working in restaurants, but I'm passionate,

and I get to do that.

And I was really into creative visualization.

I would write stuff in the present

as if it already existed.

Like, I'm on Saturday Night Live.

I'm making millions of people laugh.

I wrote it in a book.

I have a book that I wrote all that.

And I would buy people tickets who couldn't afford it

because I truly believed that the money

would come back to me.

So I was very into like a spiritual practice

with my comedy.

Yes, isn't that interesting?

And I also love in the book you then say,

and then, after a while, I realized

this wasn't paying off.

So I said [bleep] this, and I took a year off.

And then you got on SNL.

Yes, yes.

I used to write in my tennis notebook, "I will

respond well to pressure."

I like that. You did?

I will--

But then I would double fault on match point,

so it was kind of like, oh my god--

You experienced such a tragedy at a young age.

You were age four.

You lost your mom, your sister, and your cousin

in a car accident.

Yes.

But--

Thank you.

- -you are positive ray of light.

It feels like a lover of your life.

How did you do that?

That is so hard.

It was very hard.

How did you choose--

because people experience tragedy

and maybe don't do that.

Yeah, I think it was like-- it gives me, like--

I was very sad.

I only had my mom for four years.

But it gives you a gift of life and appreciation

of like, oh, I'm so glad I at least had her for four years.

And it gives you a kind of resilience where you can--

I could handle the punches in show business

because I was like, nothing will ever be as hard as that.

Like, it was just like such a loss.

And it informs how I am as a parent.

Like, I can't believe I'm alive in my house,

and I lived far beyond the years of my mother.

And I just think, like, I think of life really like this is it,

like you're batting up.

It's like a kind of urgency for life and time with people

and your time is your life.

So it gives you this, like, almost gratefulness.

Does that make sense?

And I was very close to my dad.

And so--

The stories of your dad and your book are tremendous.

Thank you.

What an awesome guy who supported you in so many ways.

And I just--

I am so thankful of your memoir because you

were open and vulnerable.

And thank you for writing that.

Thank you, thank you.

A few more things-- you've really

been generous with your time.

Good, good.

Your daughter just graduated from Tisch.

Yes.

She wants to be an actress or--

Yes.

OK, isn't that amazing?

[cheering]

Does she have to do the same things that you did to make it?

Has it changed all these years?

What advice have you given her?

And does she even listen to you because you're mom.

I was-- and I want to say, too,

my son Nolan is in college, and he's an amazing surfer.

I like talking about-- bragging about both my kids.

But also, you post these awesome videos of him surfing.

It's so cool.

Yeah, he's so good.

Stella-- I just asked her.

I talked to her on the phone right before I came on,

and I go, can you think of advice I give you?

And she said yes because it is harder

now because they have to put the actors on self-tape.

They self-tape, so they can cast a much wider net, seeing

so many more people than when I was

breaking into show biz, where we had to go in in-person.

So she said that I tell her that, look,

if you know how to write, if you're

an actress who knows how to write,

write because you have more power.

And then the second thing I say is just keep

putting yourself out there.

Try not to take it personally because you never know what

they're going to look for.

So just be yourself.

Don't feel like you have to try to be what they want.

Be yourself.

Do a good job, you know, do what

you think will be right for the part,

and then let it go because you just don't know.

It could be nothing personal.

How do you teach these kids toughness and grit?

I got a six and a three-year-old.

I want to be rich.

I want to fly first class.

I want to have a ski house.

But if I do all that, they're going to be soft.

Oh my gosh, yeah.

You had this childhood where there's

something very difficult happened

that maybe influenced you and gave you some grit,

but how do you give a kid grit?

I know.

That is so interesting.

I mean, it's all I could think about is

what my dad would tell me.

So I think he-- he definitely-- you know,

I came out to LA on with my own money

that I made from waitressing, and I rented a rack,

and I just rented a cheap apartment.

And so I really had to, like, go broke and

really live on very little.

So that was a good lesson because it was like,

you know, so I think that was good that he really

made me learn about money on my own,

just kind of threw me out there.

- But of course-- - Figure it out.

- -if I really did need money, he would help me.

But he really did--

I did try on my own with the money.

I was always bouncing checks, and I didn't

know that much about that.

And I remember going to the bank,

and I would ask what my balance was.

I was like, what is my balance in my checking account?

And I would be like, can you say it softly

because it was always, like, negative, you know,

bouncing checks and yeah.

I used to always pull the ATM receipts in LA out of the bank

trash can because you'd see these guys getting, like,

this expensive car, and then you would see they have,

like, $14 in the bank, you know.

So everyone is-- a lot of people were lying about how

much money they were making.

But one thing I was going to say,

too, I got a star on the Hollywood Walk of

Fame recently.

And I did-- thank you.

I think we have--

I think we have a picture of that.

- You did superstar on the-- - Oh, yeah.

You did, yeah.

I think I might post this speech on my Instagram

because I spoke about all the jobs

that I had way before I ever got SNL or

started getting acting jobs.

I worked in so many restaurants and

dating services and hostess.

- And I tell this a lot-- - Gym memberships.

Gym memberships--

You were selling gym memberships.

I just-- so if I act normal, it's because I'm always

still driving by looking at, like, help wanted signs.

It feels like it was just around the corner.

I'm not kidding.

So I think that I like to share to college kids

of, like, you don't have to have

it all figured out right away.

It's really hard.

It takes time.

It's little baby steps and these little jobs.

It just can take so much time.

And if you want to pursue your passion on the side,

that's great.

So I did that for years and years and years.

I did not-- I really struggled.

And so I do share that with college kids,

and they appreciate it.

And I'm going to put that on my Instagram because I

talk about every job I had.

And it's a lot of jobs in restaurants.

Also, college kids, oftentimes,

at the commencement, they hear from a successful person,

and it feels like it went from commencement to success instead

of like the 28 years of bouncing checks and

working at Cravings and selling blueberry muffins

or whatever you were doing.

Exactly.

Yeah, exactly.

The Hawkis fantastic.

- You're so great in it. - Thank you.

It's a great show.

Yeah, it is a great show.

I think you're just so funny and so wonderful.

Thank you for spending time with us

today and talking with me.

The Hawkpremieres July 16 on Netflix.

Molly Shannon, it's a quick break.

We'll be right back after this.

Thank you, Molly.

[music playing]

That's our show for tonight.

Now here it is, your moment of zen.

77-year-old South Florida woman's new

license plate is the talk of her retirement home.

The woman says she went, quote, "ballistic"

when she opened her mail and saw the plate with SQZ-A55.

Now, if you-- if you look at that--

I'm just gonna say it out loud to spell it out for the rest

of you-- squeeze ass.

That's what it seems to say.

MAN: Ooh, sorry.