All language subtitles for cecu.S11E08

"Will & Grace" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Okay, so let's see.

You and Jenny have both had
the level two ultrasound

and done all the scary genetic tests.

Right.

We've taken Lamaze, baby-proofed,

ordered cribs and changing tables.

Done. Check.

You both started your prenatal Pilates

and have been going
twice a week for four weeks.

That's on me.

Okay, so, we'vdone everything we need to.

I think we can actually relax.

It feels so good!

We are crushing pregnancy, Will.

Should we write a book about it?

We could call it
"Will and Grace Crush Babies."

And get Casey Anthony
to do the audiobook.

Open up, I've got a baby emergency!

Larry? What are you...

Oh!

You must be Larry's granddaughter!

And your name is...

Wheat.

Her name is Wheat.

- So pretty.
- Beautiful name, yeah.

It's a ridiculous name.

I need your TV.

Our cable's out.

For some reason, the sound
of Bobby Flay grilling meat

is the only thing that puts her to sleep.

Grace too.

How's Hannah doing as a mom?

She had to take a break
from college, right?

She dropped out to make
green juice for dogs.

But Hannah always seemed so together.

Wake up, Grace. That was all a front.

Joe and I were the first
gay couple we knew with a baby,

so we had to say she was perfect.

Her life went off the rails
in kindergarten.

What, did she get hooked
on graham crackers?

And here comes Will with his jokes!

We waited too long

to sign her up
for the best elementary school,

so she didn't get
in to the best high school,

and after that, it was a train wreck.

I thought she went to NYU.

Northern Yonkers University.

Their motto is, "Let's call it a day."

Don't make the same mistake.

Set your children on the right
path before it's too late.

Oh, well, we did the research.

We want them to go
to that school in Harlem...

Global Citizens Academy.

Like, all of their kids
end up going to Ivy League.

You're already signed up?

Well, they're not even born yet.

Then you're already too late.

They fill up years in advance.

What?

Come on, we gotta get
to that school right now.

Now?

I promised Jenny I'd help her

with some new internet thing she's doing.

Well, send Jack,

unless you want our kids
to be dog-juice-making losers.

Sorry.

No, shame her mother in front of her.

She needs to learn.

Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com

Doesn't that feel so good?

Oh, my God, I can totally
feel the tingling

on the top of my head.

Like whenever Chris Pine is in the city.

So that's the point of an ASMR video.

You make sounds that trigger
responses in your brain

that help you relax.

And people pay for that?

Hell yeah, they do.

I once curled ribbons for 20 minutes

and made 600 bucks.

How did I not know about this?

I curl ribbons every day for free.

Well, I'm stoked that you're doing this,

because it's much better with two people.

Just be glad it's me and not Will.

Yeah, I know we're not
supposed to say this

about women anymore,

but Will is so shrill.

- Let's do a practice one.
- Okay.

So, remember

to speak softly,

and over-articulate

your consonants.

Right.

It's like what my new acting teacher,

Tracy Pecosta,

taught me to do

so that I don't sound

like a homosexual.

It's bedtime, so don't forget
to brush your teeth.

And your hair.

I like to do it 50 times

on each side

for a total of...

100 times.

Well, thanks again
for coming all the way out.

Honey, the ride up here
was worth the ride in here.

And after what we just did,

I may have to borrow that thing.

I can see myself out.

No way.

A gentleman always rolls a lady
to the door.

True,

but you, sir, are no gentleman.

No, I'm not.

There's the door, woman.

I'll see you tomorrow, Jenny.

Hey, Kar.

I didn't know you were gonna be here.

I would've asked for a ride up.

But I'm already here.

Can't argue with that.

So, uh, you and Luke, huh?

Getting a tune-up?

- Oh!
- Ooh, yeah!

Rotating your tires?

Woo!

Just getting my oil changed,

getting my fluids topped off.

Getting all my points and plugs adjusted.

Yeah.

We're talking about sex, right?

Honey, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm helping Jenny
with this ASMR thing.

Oh, fun.

I used to make those videos for Stan

when he was out of town.

Nothing put that man to sleep

like the bubbling of melting cheese.

Hey, we're livestreaming tomorrow.

- You should do it with us.
- Oh, I don't know, honey.

With the baseball team

and all the work piling up
at Grace's office...

I'd love to.

Oh, great! Okay.

Hey, can I get a ride back?

Sorry, I'm already gone.

Just my luck.

Oh, you must be Jack.

Oh, and you're Luke.

Thank you for your service

of my best friend.

I do it for God and country.

Yeah, I don't want to hear the specifics.

I'm just happy she finally
got herself a booty buddy.

A booty buddy?

Yeah, well, since the divorce,

I've been telling her
she needs to find someone

who's just there for sex, you know?

No strings attached,
no emotional blah-blah,

just sex.

And that's me?

Say it with pride, soldier!

You're Karen Walker's boy toy!

Her boy toy?

Well, that was more wistful
than, you know, pride,

but you've probably never
worked with a director before.

And now we're in the Hall of Mindfulness,

because here at Global Citizens,

we don't want our students
to just be present

in their attendance.

- Ooh, that's good.
- I like that.

That's good, yeah.

Our third-graders
have a concert coming up

in seven months.

Don't worry, they'll get there.

Shall we sit?

Love an alternative seat.

Why just sit when you can work your core?

That structure is really cool.

The sixth-grade
woodworking class built it

using wood rescued
from various hurricanes.

It's a permanent reminder
that something beautiful

can be made from tragedy.

Oh, I know.

After Hurricane Sandy,

I found the most comfortable
sweatshirt on the street.

I washed it.

Thanks for squeezing us in,
Ms. Hinder-Haagen.

This place is amazing.

I actually saw kids running
into math class.

I hated math!

Did I say math? I meant...

racism.

Excuse me?

Headmistress Hinder-Haagen,
is this a bad time?

How can I help you?

An issue has arisen in the robotics lab.

Our AI has become sentient.

However, its corporeal host
is still in beta testing.

My God, you do that here?

That's incredible!

- You'll explain...
- Later, yeah, shh.

Farhan is our Student Admissions Liaison.

You'll be meeting with him

for the second part of this process.

If I may ask, how old is your child?

And how do they identify?

Oh, ah, well, no children yet.

Grace's is due in April, mine in May,

and my pronouns are "he"
and "is terrified."

We didn't know there were two children.

Oh, we're not married.

We're just friends,

but we both want our kids to go here.

Oh, that's going to be a problem.

For 2024 enrollment,

we only have one spot available.

One?

That's in five years!

Mm, four years.

Four years.

You decent?

'Cause I can wait till you're not.

What's up?

Oh, I'm just helping
your sister with her video,

but afterward, I thought it'd be fun

if we had a little picnic.

Oh, darn.

These aren't sandwiches,
they're sex toys.

And a bag of chips for after,

'cause we're gonna need the potassium.

Yeah, I'm not really feeling it.

Oh.

I'm sorry, I can't be
your booty call today.

Booty call?

Where'd you get that idea?

It doesn't matter.

I mean, we already agreed

that if our kids can't go
to the same school,

it's not the school for us.

Right, we're a packaged deal.

Their loss, not ours.

Didn't get in?

Shh!

I finally got Wheat to sleep.

And yes, it is 11:45 in the morning,

and I'm having a drink.

If I'm still awake in 20 minutes,

I'm going to take a bath.

How long are you planning
on staying here?

As long as that demon's unconscious.

Look, there's no way either of you

were getting in to Global Citizens.

You're not diverse enough.

What are you talking about? I'm gay.

What do you think this is? 2009?

I tried to play the gay card
to get Hannah in.

CeeCee said, "Just gay?"

And laughed me out of their planetarium.

Well, I'm a single mom, so.

I'm also Jewish.

So is every building on that campus.

Well, it doesn't matter,

'cause we're done with Global Citizens.

There's plenty of other
good schools in this city.

You know what, you're right.

I don't even want my kid to go there.

Me neither.

I love that we always agree.

Thank you so much for seeing me again,

Headmistress Hinder-Haagen.

Of course.

I know how important
diversity is to this school.

It is,

and your child would be diverse
how, exactly?

I'm just gonna bottom line it.

I don't know who the father is.

So, girl to girl,

tell me what diversity
you're looking for,

'cause I've probably slept with it.

You know, I know that gay
is done to death,

but I'm gonna make the argument
that it is back in a big way.

Can you feel me, girl?

I guess you cannot.

Buttons.

Cellophane.

Lorazepam.

Since we're live,

if there are any sounds
you would like to hear

or questions you have,

just hit us up.

I have a question.

Who told Luke

that he was just a booty call?

That... was me.

Why?

Why not?

Do you have any idea

how furious I am?

It's kind of hard to tell.

I could make it clearer.

Would you two

like to take this outside?

Why, that's a great idea.

Or...

it's a bad idea,

because Karen's rings

leave welts.

Welts.

I had a good thing going,

and you ruined it.

Stop yelling at me.

Why don't you just try

being honest with my brother?

I will.

But first,

I would like

to reach across

this table

and pull your balls...

out through your ears.

Mr. Truman, give me one good reason

why your child should have
the final spot?

Okay.

Okay.

We're at that part of the conversation.

I'm not above writing a check.

One to the school,

and one to a certain little guy

who I'm sure wants
the newest Nintendo Switch.

I made $15,000 last week
shorting Apple stock.

And if I want a Nintendo Switch,

I'll build one.

Well, this has been very...

informative.

Is there anything else you can think of

that would help your case?

Oh, okay.

I thought we'd get here.

Just so you know, I'm not above
writing a check

to a certain lady

who may want a new iPhone case.

I'm good.

Ah, looks like Farhan's ready
to meet with you now.

Oh, my God. You came here behind my back?

You came here behind my back!

Yeah, but that's totally on brand for me.

Look, I am just trying to do
what's best for my child.

Yeah, but so am I.

But let's face it, Grace,
I mean, given the parents,

mine is obviously gonna be
a better candidate

for this school.

What do you mean by that?

Well, you know, it's a very

academically oriented environment.

And?

And I am very academically oriented.

I'm a professor at Columbia Law School.

Look, it's a little bit more

than picking out tassels
for throw pillows.

And there it is.

You think I'm dumb.

And you think my kid is gonna be dumb.

I do not think your kid is gonna be dumb.

Thank you.

Wait.

You just need to feel smarter
because you know

that everyone likes me best.

"Better" is the word you use
when comparing two options.

And this is why everyone likes me best.

Oh, whatever, this isn't
a school for people

with more Facebook friends.

It's a school for smart people.

Well, why don't you
just homeschool your kid?

That way, you can teach him
how to have a stick up his ass.

Excuse me?

We try to keep the energy neutral

in the Mindfulness Hallway.

- He started it.
- She's dumb.

Just wanted to say good-bye.

Listen,

about the whole "booty call" thing...

I get it.

It's not like you were
coming up here once a week

so we could pick out timeshares
in Vermont together.

Vermont.

Like that's even a thing.

It's 'cause of this, right?

Oh, honey, no.

That just makes it more fun.

It adds an element of danger,

like doing it
on the "Jurassic Park" ride.

The one in Orlando, not California.

The truth is,

I've had a rough time this last year.

I guess a booty call

is about all I can handle right now.

Well, I think I'm looking
for a little more.

Are you breaking up with me?

Well, you better lawyer up,
you ungrateful mother...

Oh!

Sorry, reflex. Okay.

What I'm trying to say is,

I'm glad that you're ready
to get back out there.

Well, I think some of that's
thanks to you.

Happy to help.

Hey.

One more for the road?

Why not?

This picnic's not gonna spank itself.

Well, this is humiliating.

Yes, it is.

Thanks to you.

Me?

You're the one who used half the words

on the forbidden word wall!

Again, the Contrition Cubby
is for gentle reflection,

not hostility.

Well, it should have a TV.

It's my sociology project.

It's a commentary on mass incarceration.

Without personal accountability,

one can never be truly free.

Fine, I'm sorry I called you dumb.

You're not.

And I'm sorry I said

nobody liked you.

It's not everyone.

Just the people we know.

- We good?
- No.

I am sorry I was so selfish.

You're my entire support system
through this,

and the first sign of trouble,

I threw you overboard.

I did the same thing to you.

No matter how much I tell myself,

"My kid doesn't need two parents,"

I worry I won't be enough.

You know, not getting in
to the right school

just felt like I was already failing.

There's no part of this
that I want to do without you.

Me neither.

This is more important
than some fancy school.

It seems like we've had a breakthrough.

Rainbow, release them, please.

You're free to go.

- Oh.
- Thanks.

Please leave the crayons.

Office supplies are very expensive.

You can tell Ms. Hinder-Haagen

that we are withdrawing our applications.

No need. The last spot was just filled.

Oh, hey, guys.

Guess who just got the
last place for 2024

I'm a mix race child with a single T-mom
and two gays grand parents.

***

I'm changing her name, I don't care.