Original subtitles

(bright, upbeat music)

‐ Hey you guys, hi, I've never been live before!

Hope this goes viral! (laughs)

So, my son Billy, he called me,

he's in Vegas right now for basketball camp,

and he called me and he's like,

"Ma, guess who I met," and I'm like, "Who, baby?"

He's like, "Baron Davis." Now, he's born and raised in LA,

so Baron Davis, he's been loving him since he could walk.

Then he's like, "Ma, guess who else I met!"

And I'm like, "Who, baby," and he's like

"Bdot Adot, from the Instagram!"

And I'm like, "Baby, I'm so happy for you!

This is amazing!" (laughs)

But then, Billy calls me the next day, right?

And he's crying, my sweet boy is crying.

I'm like, "Baby what's wrong, why you crying?"

And he's like, "Ma, Bdot and Baron,

they was at my basketball game, and they was laughing at me.

Every time I grabbed the basketball,

they was calling me 'Titties!'"

Huh.

Baron fucking Davis!

You Jeri Curl‐halfin', capri pant‐wearin',

retired motherfucker, fuck you!

And Bdot Adot, whoever the fuck you are, you ain't funny!

How 'bout I impersonate putting

my motherfucking foot up your ass?!

‐ That's some bullshit. (Angry Mother continues)

‐ We don't even know that lady.

‐ Whatever.

‐ Zo, I don't even talk about kids like that.

‐ You probably do.

‐ Man, when I talk to kids, I'm like a child whisperer.

Me, kids, and old folks, are the only people

I fuck with where they communicate on a level like that.

‐ This video's at 12,000,000 views, okay?

So good job becoming donkeys of the day.

‐ 12,000,000 views? ‐ That's a lot of views Baron.

‐ All Justin Bieber gotta do is change his hair,

take his shirt off, and fart, and that's 20,000,000 views.

‐ I mean, I got a phone call today.

And they basically told me that

you might lose your spot on Celebrity Pitch Tank.

‐ No, don't play girl. ‐ Since it's just

12,000,000 views‐‐ look.

All I'm saying is I don't want this little fart

to turn into a big‐ass dump.

‐ Why you gotta talk like that?

‐ Nigga, if you didn't talk the way you did,

we would not be in this situation, now would we?

‐ I didn't say nothing!

‐ Come on now, seriously, like in the next 24 hours,

this thing is gonna blow over,

nobody's gonna be talking about it,

somebody's gonna post something or repost something,

let's just wait and see. ‐ You know what, you're right.

I'm tripping, I don't know

what the fuck I'm doing. ‐ Right.

No, I'm the guru. ‐ Um, so let's just‐‐

Let's just go to Yogurt Land. ‐ Ooh.

‐ Right? ‐ See. Double crumb?

‐ And then let's just wait for this to blow over.

‐ I'm doubling up!

(funky, energetic music)

‐ [Baron] Man, this ain't no Yogurt Land.

‐ [Zoe] This is that angry mom's house.

‐ [Baron] Man, why the fuck are we here?

‐ Because you guys you guys are gonna go in there

and convince her to take it down.

I worked really hard to get her to meet you guys.

‐ Oh, hell no, this is a setup?

No, I ain't going in there, no.

This is some red wedding type shit, nope.

Get me the fuck outta here, let's go.

‐ Do I have to remind you? 16,000,000 views, guys.

‐ Yeah bro, we gotta go in there.

‐ Y'all have to, y'all have no choice, and I'm not leaving.

‐ I thought we was getting ice cream.

‐ We can get ice cream after.

‐ I don't want it now.

‐ How about churros and pizza?

Huh?

Churros?

‐ Fuck churros, let's go, dude.

Betta have my churros.

‐ Baron, I used to love watching you,

ever since you were at UCLA, you was my favorite player!

And Bdot, you are my favorite internet celebrity!

Well, besides me of course! (laughs wildly)

(Baron forcedly laughs) ‐ Look, lady.

Cut out all the bullshit. Everybody know you lying.

We know you lying, you know you lying,

your fat‐ass son know you lying.

Where's he at anyway?

Cause that's who I came to apologize to.

‐ No, no, no, no, no, no, what Baron is trying to say is

that we're here to apologize to Billy.

You know, sign some autographs,

give him some shoes, tickets to the games,

you know, that's it, that's all.

‐ Well, y'all can try, but he hasn't said a word

ever since he got back from y'all's camp.

I'll go get him! (Bdot laughs)

‐ Man, they don't even look like

no kids live in this house, man.

‐ Dog, I went in the fridge.

They got an English muffin and some Activa.

‐ The yogurt that make you shit?

‐ Man, that nasty ass shit.

She ain't got shit in the freezer, either.

No TV dinners, no frozen food dinners.

How the fuck you have a kid and don't have no frozen food?

‐ A fat‐ass kid, at that.

‐ What y'all did to him, psychologically,

he ain't never getting over that trauma.

‐ Hey, little man. (Billy sobbing)

Little Billy, I got a hot dog in the car, man.

Chili cheese fries, some Sour Patch Kids in my pocket.

‐ Um, lady, what do you want?

‐ I want you to invest in his college fund, $20,000.

You can't change his past, but you can invest in his future.

‐ Look, lady, you can't shakedown the Shakedown King.

I been shaking down people all my life, that ain't gonna go.

‐ Fine. Well I got another demand, then.

And if you don't accept that one,

I'm never taking that video down.

‐ Alright, well, anything is cool,

as long as it's not money.

What you got?

(ambitious music)

‐ Come on in, sit down, y'all.

Y'all want some Sun Chips?

‐ No, we don't want none of them Sun Chips.

Them 99 cent store Sun Chips.

If that was the real Sun Chips, I would like some.

So much fucking Peat's.

‐ Well, alright, real talk, y'all gonna get up

in this little fat nana and make me forget why I was mad.

Mhm. (Baron groans)

‐ Wait, you say what?

‐ Oh, you heard me right.

Y'all gonna get up in these guts, young bucks!

Bdot, you can hit it from the front, you little.

And Baron, that long dick can take it from the back.

I'm talking 'bout full throttle.

Pump it, pump it, pump it, hit it!

Both dicks need to touch, they need to hit me

like this, like this, like this, like this.

And not no fast pumps, neither,

I'm talking 'bout 45 minutes of dick, sound good?

‐ I gotta take a shit. ‐ Okay.

‐ Um, I'mm'a make sure he take the shit right.

‐ Okay, y'all come back naked now!

Ugh, be square, baby, be fucking square.

Uh‐huh, up in here, up in this, up in,

turn around, turn that shit, turn around,

dicks touching, dicks touching, dicks touching.

‐ She can keep that video up, bro, I don't‐‐

my reputation ain't that important.

‐ Dude, this is not about you.

This is about Celebrity Pitch Tank.

Come on, dude, 18,000,000 views.

I got way more to lose than you.

‐ Alright, man, well, what we supposed to do then?

‐ I'mm'a go find this fat‐ass kid,

get him to admit on video that I didn't call him fat,

and you stall her. ‐ Mhm, okay,

get a response video, that might work, too.

‐ Man, there it is. (decisive music)

Alright, I'll be right back, you stall her.

‐ Okay. ‐ Alright.

‐ Oh, hell no, man, hell no! (music stops)

I ain't going in there with that lady, man!

I'm scared of her ass!

‐ Come on, man, this is a whole part of the lesson.

You gotta be a role player, dog.

You gotta be Jeremy Lin, before Linsanity.

That's how he got to Linsanity.

Matter of fact, I'mm'a hook you up on Celebrity Pitch Tank.

‐ For Ball Out? ‐ Yes, for Ball Out,

see, they buy so much dumb shit on that show,

and you kinda famous, they for sure go for it, dog.

Just stay here and stall her. (Bdot sighs)

We good, let me go get this video, my reputation clean,

Celebrity Pitch Tank, we on it.

Boom, boom, you know what I mean? That's our hustle.

Right now, you gotta come off the bench

and just play first.

‐ Alright, alright. ‐ Let's go.

‐ Don't be too long, man.

‐ Yeah, just take this for the team.

‐ You owe me one, though.

‐ I mean, play for the team.

‐ You owe me one, BD.

‐ [Angry Mom] Where you guys at?!

‐ For real.

‐ Mm‐hm, come on in here, li'l zaddy. Uh, where's Baron?

‐ Don't worry about Baron, I'mm'a handle this.

‐ Oh, you can handle all this little fat nana?

Oh, come on, don't worry,

if you fall short, little Rooster here gotcha.

‐ Just... what I gotta do, man?

Let's just get this over with.

‐ Okay, well get ready.

‐ Man, these all expired in 1998!

‐ Okay, well, either double‐bag that shit

or raw dog this pussy, cause she's ready.

She's purring. (purrs and laughs)

‐ Can we just talk‐‐ what‐‐

‐ We can talk, baby, all you want,

while you up in here, come on.

‐ What do you think Billy gonna think?

‐ Oh, he's gonna be so excited that his mama got it in

with his favorite internet celebrity, ooh!

(grunting)

‐ Baron!

‐ Hey guys, I'm going live.

I'm gonna say what's up to little Billy,

make amends of all this shit.

Hi, little Billy.

(Billy sobbing)

It's your boy, BD.

You probably don't wanna speak to me right now.

I know you're upset.

All I can say, little Billy, is you're being sensitive.

Bdot and I, we weren't calling you fat.

We just talking about some other fat kid.

Why are you crying, buddy? Don't cry.

That's one of my lessons, don't be a crybaby.

(grunts of pleasure and protest)

‐ I'm on the chips! I'm on the chips!

It's weird! ‐ It's okay, look.

‐ I can't do this shit!

‐ It's okay, man, (Bdot screams in other room)

you don't have to cry, you can get over this.

We'll get over this, cause that's who I am.

I'm the type of guy that shows up randomly and mentors kids.

‐ Literally, stop, okay, stop, listen, listen, listen!

I'm not having sex with you.

Is there anything else I can do?

‐ Is there?

Uh‐huh, ah, see how that thing shake, baby?

Come on.

‐ What? ‐ Mm‐hmmm, come on.

‐ It's‐‐ and that‐‐ you gonna take the video down, right?

‐ People call me fat

all the time. ‐ [Angry Mom] Yeah!

‐ Coaches, when they ‐ [Bdot] Oh, that was tingly!

wanted to save their job, "oh, he's fat,"

you know what I mean, but I still played well,

and they got fired. (moans from the other room)

So you can do the same thing. (Billy crying)

You can fire people, but you gotta

fire up your system and burn that fat, buddy.

Turn the "fat" into an acronym: Fuck All Things.

It's resonating, huh? ‐ [Bdot] Put the dildo away!

Come here, man, let me see your face.

I shouldn't be touching (shouts from other room)

no kid in the bed, should...

Hey guys, you see this: I'm just going to‐‐

Hey Billy, it's time, man‐‐ watch this‐‐ time, guys.

Come on Billy, talk to your boy.

(irritated music)

The fuck? Fucking Activa!

You see that, guys?

Celebrity Pitch Tank, it was all a farce.

No fucking Billy, that lady was lying, I knew it.

Fucking knew it!

‐ [Angry Mom] Yes, little baddy, yes, use it!

‐ [Bdot] Ach, it hurts! It's not supposed to be hurting!

It feels good! (Angry Mom squeals)

‐ Finally. Here. (Baron groans)

As promised. ‐ All taken care of.

‐ Where's Bdot?

‐ Can I eat this now?

‐ No, where's Bdot?

‐ Uh... he's fucking that lady, I guess.

Hey‐ya. ‐ Are you serious right now?

‐ Mhm. ‐ And you let him do that?

‐ I mean, what am I supposed to do?

‐ You guys are fucking disgusting, he's fucking disgusting.

♪ Our Father,

♪ Whom art in Heaven,

♪ Hallowed be

♪ Thy name

‐ We can leave.

‐ No, we're f‐‐ (car door opening)

Did you seriously have sex with that lady?

‐ Absolutely not, I ain't do

nothing with that lady. ‐ Oh my god, disgusting!

Both of you! ‐ Boss.

All good here, man, we got done like 45 minutes ago.

‐ 45 minutes?

‐ Man, that lady was a fraud, dude.

The kid wasn't even there.

‐ So why you ain't come get me, man?

‐ Doesn't even matter, the damage is fucking done.

‐ Alright, all that noise, how can I stop a man

when he doing what he doing? (laughs)

You feel me? ‐ I ain't do nothing

with that lady.

‐ Can we get some ice cream for this?

‐ Hell no!

‐ Why not? ‐ And you sit back, nasty ass.

(Bdot murmuring)

‐ Celebrity Pitch Tank gonna be proud of you, boy.

‐ Hey, y'all, what it is, viral bitch here!

So I got a little confession, okay?

What I had said about Baron Davis and Bdot,

that wasn't true, okay, so I made that shit up,

I ain't got no damn kids, y'all, damn!

But internet, lemme tell y'all something.

Y'all's calling me dumb, me?

Oh, I ain't dumb, so put some headphones in and listen up.

Put that shit up so you can really listen.

Listen clearly.

Bdot ate my ass!

He ate that shit, he was eating that shit!

He ate that shit! (playful music)

Hey Bdot, you can never get away from this one, bitch!

(screams)

♪ Bout to eat it like it's breakfast, breakfast ♪