All language subtitles for The.Marvelous.Mrs.Maisel.S03E03.WEB.H264-STRiFE

Wow, what a day huh? What a day.

I guess.

Harry, why'd you call me
down here?

Just to talk.
It was a battle, you won.

Congratulations.

- Thanks.
- I mean, representing Sophie Lennon...

you're a real macher
now, Susie.

You know what, forget coffee.

Linda, bring the champagne.
The '49 Dom.

- We need to celebrate.
- Harry, no.

What, '49 Dom not
good enough for you?

- You know what I mean.
- You didn't bring a lawyer.

Are there any left?

I'm just surprised,
that's all.

You asked me to come down,
so I came.

I didn't know it was
a whole lawyer thing.

What, you thought
I asked you here

- for a cheese tasting?
- Mr. Drake,

Groucho Marx is on the line.

- Tell him I'll get back to him.
- Yes, sir.

Look at that.
Groucho waits for you.

You should see something.

Now, normally
I'd hand this over to your team.

But you didn't know this was
a whole lawyer thing.

- What is this?
- It's my contract with Sophie.

You knew that
I had one, right?

Yes, Harry,
I wasn't born yesterday.

And that it goes for another
five and a half years.

You knew that, too, right?

- Yeah, I did.
- Good.

Because for that period of time,
I own everything.

She tells a joke, I own it.

She makes a funny face,
I own it.

She cuts a fart,
and someone laughs, I own it.

- You get me?
- Yeah, I get it.

She cuts the cheese,
you get a slice.

What, you think this is funny?

No, but I do think you're
just trying to scare me.

How am I doing?

I've got to use
the facilities.

Follow the signs.

Five and a half years?
Fuck me.

Hey, what part of I'm in here
taking a shit

don't you understand?

- Local commercials.
- I beg your pardon?

You've got her for national
commercials and TV and movies

and radio and her live act
and print ads,

and for some reason, any event
featuring a live animal,

but you do not have her
for local commercials.

- Is that so?
- Yep.

Nothin', nada, zip, ha!

Wow, you got me.

Gentlemen, how did we leave
all that lucrative

Sophie Lennon local commercial
money on the table?

I'm-I'm livid.

Susie, I got to tell you,
it's truly been a pleasure.

But now I got to
go call Groucho Marx,

and you got to go call Guido's
Body Shop in Staten Island

and line up a local commercial.

Sophie'll look great sitting
on top of a Pontiac.

Just make sure
a chimpanzee in a top hat

isn't sitting up there
next to her.

'Cause then, it's mine.

Good luck, Susie.

Yeah.
Thanks a million, Harry.

Sure.
Oh, hey, uh,

did she mention
Strindberg yet?

Who?

I'm gonna let you have
that one, too.

Strindberg.
My gift to you.

Have a good day.

Guys ever trade places
just for fun?

♪ ♪

- Dead dogs.
- Not this again.

You'd be fine living
in a building full of dead dogs.

Rose, they don't store
the dead dogs in the building.

They cart them out
as soon as they're dead.

You're suddenly an expert.

The veterinarian is in
the basement of the building.

We'll never see the dead dogs.

The spirits of the dead dogs
will be

galumphing through the building.

Dead dogs don't have spirits.

And if they did,
they wouldn't galumph,

- they would trot or canter.
- Ugh.

This is officially
the dumbest conversation

you two have ever had.

I liked that place on 65th,
and it was affordable.

Because it was on
top of a construction zone.

Lincoln Center.

Once it's finished,
we can walk to the opera.

We'll be in wheelchairs
by the time

they finish Lincoln Center.

So we'll roll to the opera.

- - You guys are
moving out in a week.

You have to make a decision.

Your father's being stubborn.

Your mother's
being stubborn.

- What about my kitchen?
- Oh, please.

There better not be a bathtub
in my kitchen.

We got bigger fish
to fry, Zelda.

You want me to fry fish,
I need a decent kitchen.

Brisket in an hour or so, guys.

Where is everybody? We need
to get things going here.

We-we need to know
what all they're going to take.

I still don't know
how we're supposed to know

what we're not gonna need
in a place we haven't found yet.

So you'd prefer
to pack everything we own

into a one-bedroom,
like we're the Collyer brothers.

We're not the Collyer brothers.
They had an apartment.

They'll be pulling our
decomposing bodies out,

first yours, then mine,
crushed under a pile of garbage.

Why is my body
the first to decompose?

This is officially
the second-dumbest conversation

you guys have ever had.

Hello!

Thank God... a distraction.

- Hello, Astrid.
- Hello, Rose.

How are you feeling, dear?

Oh, I'm carrying
a human life inside me.

- Mystery solved.
- Yeah.

Hi, Mom.

What is this?

Astrid had a premonition,
a dream.

It was about my face.
There were gnomes, I don't know.

Bottom line,
shaving is bad luck.

I'm just being cautious.
You can't be too cautious.

- I'm gonna need a straw.
- Want to touch?

- Not really.
- Esther's gone! She ran away! Esther's gone!

- What?
- Oh, my God.

Esther's not gone,
ignore him.

Oh. Baruch hashem.
Mwah. Touch my belly?

- It's a mitzvah.
- Maybe later.

She's gone!
She's really gone!

- Ethan.
- He wants to be an only child,

and he's been trying to will it
into existence.

Rose. I want to talk to you

about the dead dogs
in the bedroom.

Good. Because I have
a lot more to say about this.

Esther's gone, Mommy.

There are dead dogs
in the bedroom?

- What is this?
- Esther's gone! I'm an only child!

- Esther's gone!
- U-turn, kiddo!

Ever since I got pregnant,
I've been dreaming like mad.

I know.
We saw the beard.

No. Sex dreams.

I haven't had sex dreams
since I converted to Judaism.

You think there's a connection?

I'm just so nervous
all the time.

I keep thinking
that something's gonna go wrong.

You are healthy

- as a very pretty, skinny horse, Astrid.
- Oh.

But you'll have to move this
hand out of the way eventually.

The doctor's
gonna have to get in there.

So,
you're saying a rat has a soul?

- A rat?
- Yes.

It's small and ugly,
but it's there.

This brisket
looks very undercooked.

That's what happens
when pesky brothers

keep opening oven doors.

Just saying.

Touch my belly.

I would love to.

Really?

You're gonna be a mommy.

I know.

Ding-dong!

We're here!

Where's the free stuff?

- Japan?
- France.

Huh. Looks like Japan.

We got a lot of rooms

at our new place
in Forest Hills.

- Lot of space to fill.
- Yes, I believe

you've mentioned that before,
Moishe.

Just tell us
what you'd like to take.

Our finishes are beautiful,

so we're holding the furniture
to a very high standard.

- As you should.
- Nope.

- What?
- Sorry.

Doesn't pass the tush test.

The tush tells me
whether it's happy or not.

That tush... it's a gift.

Trust the tush.

Taiwan?

France again.
It's quite expensive.

I'm sure it's expensive.
Just doesn't look it.

- Nope.
- Oh.

- Tush always knows.
- Trust the tush.

Fine, Moishe.
Don't take anything.

The bowl with the nuts
is something we could use.

The nuts we don't need,
but we could use the bowl.

I'm waiting
for your tush to chime in.

Take the bowl, Moishe.

He wasn't kidding!

Ethan wasn't kidding!

Esther's gone.
She ran away.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

She was just coming out

- to greet her daddy.
- Oh, thank God.

Esther, what were you thinking?

Told you.

Got a few things

set aside for the cab ride
to your place

to keep the kids occupied,
and everything else

is boxed and labeled
and ready to go.

Good thing
I brought my forklift.

I just got everything together.

Even carved out time
to make one last brisket.

Really? I don't smell it.

Are you taking
the tablecloth, Shirl?

I can cut it into doilies!

- Then come up with another idea.
- Fine.

Look, Midget,
Mom found one of my old books.

Tom Swift
and His Magnetic Silencer.

- Still holds up.
- North Manhattan. Inwood.

- The oven's not working.
- Yeah, I told you that.

- Zelda?
- Yes, Miss Miriam?

See if Mrs. Fulber
is awake, coherent

and willing to cook my brisket
for two hours at 375.

- Right away.
- You're trying to move us to the Bronx.

Few dead dogs don't
sound so bad now, do they?

- Who are you?
- How long's that been going on?

- Fire escape.
- Stop with the histrionics.

Histrionics?
This from a man who quit not one

but two jobs in the same day.

- Dawes.
- Miss Myerson.

- Come in.
- Look, Dawes,

I'm not sure how caught up
you are on all this,

but I'm in business
with your boss now, okay?

And I just think
it would be smart

for you to maybe drop
the attitude,

- treat me with the respect that I...
- Jenkins.

What the fuck?

Your coat, miss.

This isn't over.

Hello, Susie.

Sophie, hi.

So, here we are.

- Off to the races.
- Yes, ma'am, off to the races.

Let's repair to the library.

I'll be here, miss.

Sounds like the writers
have a winner.

Let's check in.

Hey.

Hello, boys.

- Hi, Sophie.
- Remember me, Sophie?

Oh, I heard laughter.

- What do you got for me?
- Phil. Phil.

Well, I think we've got
a couple of winners here

- for you, Sophie.
- Let's see.

Psst. Herb.

Oh! Hi, Susie.

- You're working for Sophie, huh?
- Yeah.

Going on 20 years now.

We used to be married.

Which one are you laughing at,
Sophie?

The one about the potholes?
That was mine.

The Aunt Jemima joke?
That was mine.

- Keep going.
- Okay, Sophie. -You got it, Sophie.

- Thanks, Sophie.
- You got it, Sophie. -Coming right up.

Susie, what time is it?

Uh, around 3:00.

A.M. or P.M.?

You're joking, right?

Could you get word to my mom?

Tell her I'm okay?

I got to go.

Welcome to the library.

Books feed me.

Wow, looks like
you ate all of them.

- Beg your pardon?
- I just said "impressive."

Sit.

I want to show you something.

Yes.

Very exciting. Here.

- Strindberg.
- Mm, you've heard of him.

- Actually, I have.
- Mm-hmm.

He's one
of the great playwrights.

A true master.

I was at an orgy once,

and the man behind me
kept raving on and on

about August Strindberg.

Turned out to be Eugene O'Neill.
Small world, huh?

Ain't it, though?

Miss Julie. My dream role.

Now give me your thoughts.

Who do you see for Jean?

Oh, God. So many.

- Lunt?
- Lunt's good. Love Lunt.

- Yes.
- Or Pope.

The pope could do it.
Does he speak English?

- Michael Pope, the actor.
- Of course, yes.

- Michael Pope. He's good, too.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, a-are we talking
Broadway here?

You don't think
it should be off-Broadway.

- No, I'm just wondering.
- Do you not believe in me?

- No, I do.
- If I wanted to be with someone

who didn't believe in me,

I'd have stayed
with Harry Drake.

No, it should be on Broadway.
Absolutely.

Well, then,
I need your assurance.

I need to know
that this will happen

and that your other commitment
will not get in the way.

No, it won't.
It absolutely won't.

I hear she's opening
for Shy Baldwin.

- She is.
- He was rude to me in Paris last year.

Shy Baldwin.

I ran into him
on the Boulevard Saint-Michel,

and he practically elbowed me

- to the Rue du Bac.
- Shouldn't have done that.

- You're not going on the road with her, are you?
- Well,

just for a couple legs.

Just to get her settled.
She's bad with keys.

But you'll be in New York with
me more often than not, yes?

- Pretty much.
- More than you're with her?

- Yes, I think that...
- Yes?

- Look, you'll never know...
- You're prioritizing me

over all else, yes?

And I'm phrasing these things
as questions,

but they are not.

Look, you'll always be
my number one.

Good. Good.

So, Strindberg.

Is he local?

Very good. Oh!

That's funnier than anything
those losers gave me.

- Write that down.
- Oh, sure. Geez.

"Is he local?" Zing!

So, I can't type,

but I actually hunt-and-pecked
these up myself...

thank you... with carbons
so that everyone gets a copy.

- Take one to share and pass it down.
- What is it?

It's a schedule
for Ethan and Esther.

Everyone wants a piece of them
while I'm gone,

so I'm doling them out
as fairly as possible.

And thank you all for this.

I couldn't do this tour
without your support.

- We got a very faint copy.
- Now, each time

the kids are taken
to a new recipient, please bring

all their toys,
books, clean clothes,

et cetera, so they'll have
everything they need.

- Except their mother.
- Let's keep things constructive here.

- I can hardly read our copy.
- Obviously,

they spend the most time
with their dad.

- As it should be.
- There are multiple weekends

slotted with Moishe and Shirley.

"Weekends."
That's the word.

I was wondering why
we got multiple wieners.

And if Astrid's up to it,
there'll be a few sleepovers

with her and Tolstoy
and the little bun in the oven.

You haven't touched
my tummy yet, Shirley.

Jews don't do that.

- Is that new?
- And our friends Imogene

and Archie
are gonna have them over

a couple of times
to play with their kids.

Any questions
while Midge is gone, ask me.

We're not on the list.

- Well, not yet.
- Not yet?

We're their grandparents.

- We made the list.
- Yeah, we made the list.

Wh-Why are we not on the list?

I held off
putting you on the list

- until you land somewhere.
- Oh.

I see. You don't want them
curled up with us

- in our Bowery flophouse.
- Mama...

With our patched clothes
and our smallpox blankets.

You don't have a place to live
right now. As soon as you do...

So your going off
to be a comedian

means I don't get to see
my grandchildren.

- Mama, no.
- If we took that place on 65th, there'd be no issue.

Oh, fine, great,
and with the wrecking balls,

- we won't need our alarm clock.
- Why are you mad at me?

- It's your fault your daughter's a comedian.
- How so?

- Yeah, how so?
- It's that German edge she gave you.

The Lehman blood.
You gave her the oompah.

- Papa.
- Well, it was your penis she was talking about on stage.

Not mine.

- Whoops. My mother just said that.
- Yep.

Because penis is a funny word.

I've learned this
about comedians:

- they say funny words for cheap laughs.
- Guys, please.

If you had a penis, she'd be
talking about you, not me.

Wouldn't you talk about your
mother's penis if she had one?

For hours and hours and hours.

I don't know why
you won't come stay with us.

It's the answer
to all your problems.

You live in a one-bedroom
in Poughkeepsie.

And that beard is a fire hazard.

And your kitchen, Noah,
is for shit.

This is ridiculous.

- We have a pullout in the living room.
- A pullout?

Question: what's
the word next to pineapple?

About that crack.

- About the "oompah."
- The first part.

Where would you...
Why would she write "pineapple"?

- I can't really...
- What would that reference?

- Pineapple? Yeah, switch with me.
- They're aggressive.

- Abe, take our bed. We'll sleep on the pullout.
- It does not say "pineapple."

I want a cookie.

Well, first we have to say
goodbye to the apartment.

- Why?
- 'Cause it's going away.

You won't see it anymore,
and Mommy grew up here,

so let's say "Goodbye, hallway."

- "Goodbye, bedroom."
- Esther ran away.

I'm holding her, kid.

I want a cookie.

Goodbye, hallway.

♪ I'll take Manhattan... ♪

Goodbye, bedroom.

Just one cookie, young man.

♪ The Bronx and Staten Island,
too... ♪

Goodbye, fire escape.

♪ It's lovely going through... ♪

Goodbye, windows.

Goodbye, bed.

♪ The zoo... ♪

Goodbye, girls.

I'm tired of arguing.

- I'm tired of arguing, too.
- I've begged for an extension

from the university,
but they won't budge.

What about Leo Siegal?

He's teaching in Europe this
year, so his apartment's empty.

- He put his brother in it.
- Oh. Then I guess a hotel.

We'd eat through our savings.

We'll keep our clothes
to a minimum.

Bring only the essentials.

Take that tiny place on 65th,
wear earplugs.

I called them a half hour ago.

It's already gone.

And I don't want you
without your clothes.

And I don't want you
without your books.

And if Zelda doesn't have
a decent kitchen,

she'll cook us poison mushrooms
on our faulty hot plate.

We're out of time.
We're out of options.

What do we do?

Something will reveal itself.

So many rooms.

You just can't bring
your furniture.

You've done it again.

The perfect brisket.

I hope Mrs. Fulber enjoyed
the more than half

- she kept for herself.
- Hey, come on.

- It was 49% at most.
- Like I wouldn't notice?

Let the old woman have something
for the whiskey to wash down.

She could've asked.
That's all I'm saying.

I should gather the kids.

Get them home
before they're dead asleep.

Too late. When I kissed them
good night, I woke them both up.

Were they cranky?

They swore like sailors.

They get that from you.

You're leaving tomorrow.

You ready?

I've packed, unpacked
and repacked,

so... yes.

♪ We'll turn Manhattan... ♪

- Joel, I don't need money...
- Come on.

Got to keep you in beer
and cigarettes.

♪ An isle of joy... ♪

Wait.

♪ I'll take Manhattan... ♪

I'm really nervous.

You're gonna be great.

♪ Fly me to the moon ♪

♪ And let me play
among the stars ♪

♪ Let me see
what spring is like ♪

♪ On Jupiter and Mars... ♪

Jesus Christ, how many more
people are they gonna shove

- in this tin can?
- I think Shy bought out the whole plane.

Ooh, hi, could I get a gin
and... Guess not.

I mean, isn't there, like,
a maximum capacity or something?

Oh, great. Look who's here.

Wow, a little louder, please.
Hi, Slim.

Ha, and his name's Slim.
Hysterical.

He's a great guy.

No, he's three or four
great guys.

You have got to calm down.

What are you doing?
What are these?

- Postcards.
- We're still in New York.

I promised the kids.
I promised Imogene.

It's fucking Idlewild Airport.
They could subway here.

You're bending it.

You made the plane.
That's a good start.

Hey, Slim's not bringing snacks,
is he?

- What?
- So, Reggie, will our room

have two double beds
or two twin beds?

That's a good question.
Let me check that for you.

What kind of beds are in Susie
Myerson and Midge Maisel's room?

It's right here. The answer is
that's below my pay grade.

Got it.

You eat a bad oyster
or something?

I'm fine.

This isn't your first
plane ride, is it?

First plane ride. Get this guy.

Plane's a rental.

Whoops, fun's over.
Reggie's back!

Oh, now, come on.

Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome aboard.

This is Captain Ron Schur,
your pilot for this flight,

along with my copilot Darryl
and navigator Chris.

Rats, I didn't
space this out right.

Now I'll have to curl
the writing around the edges.

- Sloppy...
- Miriam. The captain's speaking.

Did he say something
about crashing or catching fire?

We'll be flying at an altitude
of approximately 30,000 feet.

Yeah, good luck with that.

And after a stop for fuel
in Kansas City, we should

have an on-time arrival
at our final destination,

the great city of Lost Wages.

Good, a funny pilot.

Love the focus here.

Uh, excuse me, could I get...

Guess not.

Time to take your seats.
We are about to take off.

- Buckle up, please, everyone.
- Oh, hey, great.

Success.
Could I get a gin and tonic?

I'm sorry, we're taxiing.
You needed to order sooner.

Guess I should've tried
to order sooner, then.

That's on me.

Jesus Christ.
I'm halfway through this thing,

there hasn't been one laugh.

Maybe it gets funny later?

Why are you reading the plays
of August Strindberg?

Oh, just for fun.

- Susie.
- Sorry. Putting it away.

Gin and tonic.

I like you way
more than that other lady.

- Gin?
- Bromo-Seltzer.

I don't need it.

- You need it.
- Take it back.

Drink it.

I'll have you
and your sour stomach removed.

Over Omaha.

Happy flying.

Here he comes.
Everybody look busy.

Hey, knock it off, man.

Very bad idea.

How do these things weigh
a thousand tons

and stay in the air?

It's against the laws of God
and nature and just heaviness.

I don't have an answer.
My father would, or my brother.

- Can we go talk to them now?
- Nope. We're going to Vegas.

- Lift your legs.
- What?

Lift your legs.
It lightens the load.

- Susie, lifting your legs is...
- Lift your goddamn legs!

Lifting.

- Is it supposed to be this loud?
- Hang on.

Holy fuck.

Susie.

Susie, you can't hold
your breath the whole flight.

Yes, I can.

This is the first of a million
flights and a million tours.

Open 'em.

Come on. Open your eyes.

We're still here.

Look out the window.

Oh, my God.

Amazing, huh?

We're on top of the world.

♪ Fly me to the moon ♪

♪ And let me play
among the stars ♪

♪ Let me see
what spring is like... ♪

Pulling up to the hotel, boss.

So what's the deal
on the ground?

Reggie said it's a level nine.

Level nine.
Well, here we go.

- You ready?
- Ready for what?

No fun in warning you.

Hang on to your hat.

Jesus, what the fuck
is wrong with you people?

♪ Luck be a lady tonight ♪

♪ Luck be a lady tonight ♪

♪ Luck, if you've ever
been a lady ♪

♪ To begin with ♪

♪ Luck be a lady tonight... ♪

All right.

- There it is.
- Sin City.

Ooh. A little warning
would've been nice.

Shy Baldwin.
Welcome back to the Phoenician.

Hello, Angie. Good to be back.

And who are these
lovely young ladies?

Let's take a quick picture.
Come on.

- That the big guy?
- That's the big guy.

Angie Calibresi...
the head of food and beverage.

Ah, I see.

The head of food and beverage
is the big guy?

The guy who orders the pickles
and orange juice?

Oh, you're cute.
You're a cute one.

Why am I cute?
I mean, I know why I'm cute,

but why am I cute in the way
you mean I'm cute?

It's not food and beverage.

It's food and beverage.

You just said
the same thing twice.

No, he's saying that Angie,

he's the head
of food and beverage.

- Same words again.
- Food and beverage.

I'm feeling a little blonde
right now.

The guy's a mobster!

Of my heart.

Ladies, I can take you
to your room.

Good timing.

♪ Tonight. ♪

Right this way.

- Wow.
- This is a really nice hotel.

There's a hallway.

I've never stayed in a hotel
with a hallway.

- Holy...
- Shit.

What is this?

- Your weird ask.
- My weird what?

It's the thing I asked for
in your contract.

He kept hounding me,
and when he asked what it is,

I blanked and said the room

should be filled
with teddy bears.

- Yellow ones.
- I said it was your favorite color.

- My favorite color's pink.
- I panicked.

I'll be back with the rest
of your bags.

Thank you.

You see my spanking new
Samsonite I bought for the trip?

I did. Snazzy.

Mm-hmm. I am traveling in style.

Okay, I'm gonna have to teach
you how to pack.

Hey, let's go downstairs.

That casino's calling out to me.

♪ Volare... ♪

That should've been something.

That should've
been something.

Cherry, orange, cherry.
That should've been something.

Lemon, lemon, orange.
That should've been something.

Cherry, jackpot, kumquat.

- That should've been something.
- I think that's a blueberry.

- That's a retarded blueberry.
- Bell, blueberry, bell.

That should've been something.

- Aah! I won!
- You won!

- I'm rich!
- Look at all those pennies pouring out.

- Just think if they were nickels.
- That would be so amazing.

- And the drinks are free.
- It's still paying out.

I love Vegas!

What's a "don't pass" bar?
What's a field?

What are odds?
Are odds good?

What's craps/eleven?
What's yo-eleven?

What's a come line?
What's a don't come line?

Blow on 'em, sweetie.

- Really?
- Why? Why does she blow on them?

For luck.

No more bets.

Six the hard way.

- Good job, honey.
- He gave me money.

Why? Why does she get money?
'Cause he got a six?

What's a hard way?
Is there a soft way?

What's that bet?
What's that bet?

W-Why does 12 pay double?
Why does two pay double?

What's C.E.?

Yes!
Ooh, I get a blackjack.

That's great, darling.

- Split.
- Why'd you split that?

- What's a split?
- Should I blow on your cards?

- I'm gonna double.
- You're doubling?

- Do you blow on cards?
- Why are you doubling?

- Stand.
- You're standing on that?

- Is blowing just for craps?
- Why'd you stand on that?

- Dealer has 20.
- Yes!

- No.
- What happened?

♪ Volare... ♪

That should've been something.
That should've been something.

That should've been something.
Hey, Susie?

- That should've been something.
- That should've been something.

- Susie.
- That should've been something.

That should've been something.

Ah! -You won?

- Eh, just a finger fuck.
- What time is it?

I don't know, 7:30, 8:00?

Holy shit, it's after midnight.

- We've been here six straight hours?
- Guess so.

I just realized I've really got
to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, me, too.

Hey, what have you guys
been up to?

Uh, Midge blew a guy's hard six.

- What?
- No, I blew on a guy and he got a hard six and he gave me money.

That didn't sound good, either.

- Bathroom.
- Later, Henry.

♪ Just like
birds of a feath... ♪

Come on, come on, come on.

- Come on, Carole.
- Go to your room, Howard.

But your room's right here.
One drink.

Worst offer I've had today, Howard.

Oh, sweet relief!

Sweet, sweet relief.

Oh, my god. Susie.

- Get up, get up.
- What?

- Get your coat. Come on. Hurry!
- Why? What's happening?

Put your coat on. Hurry!

I'm getting it. Geez!

♪ And every time it rains,
it rains ♪

- ♪ Pennies from heaven ♪
- ♪ Shoobie, doobie ♪

♪ Don't you know... ♪

- Hey, our machines are free.
- Forget the machines.

Coming through, coming through.

Follow me, follow me.

♪ Fortune's falling
all over town... ♪

- Susie!
- You're on the marquee!

- For the whole world to see.
- It's the big time, baby.

Take a picture.

♪ Every time it rains,
it rains ♪

♪ Don't you know
each cloud contains ♪

♪ You'll find
your fortune falling ♪

♪ All over town, all over town,
all over town ♪

♪ Be sure that
your umbrella... ♪

From here, we go to I.A.,
San Francisco,

then Chicago, Miami.

Reg, what about sleep?

- Over here, Shy.
- Yes, sir.

How you liking the weather
we got here, Shy?

New York was 40 degrees
when we left, so I'm loving it.

Thank you for that thoughtful

and Pulitzer-worthy
question, sir.

Really impressive.

Let's see if anyone
can top that.

Yes, the State Journal.

Lots of pretty girls here,
huh, Shy?

You did it, my man.
You did it.

I can say I've been
all over the world,

and there are pretty girls
everywhere,

but none as pretty as here.

Okay, San Diego Union.

Midge Maisel, right?

I'm Angie. I didn't get
a chance to meet you.

Yes, Angie, of course,

head of food and bev...

Uh, nice to meet you, Angie.

Uh, this is my manager,
Susie Myerson.

- Hello.
- Great to meet you.

Shy is wild
about your girl here.

Shy's got taste.

Oh, I'm so sorry, honey,
here I am ignoring you.

Ladies, this is my
beautiful wife, Roberta.

I got taste too, huh?

- Hello.
- Hi. -Nice to meet you.

I'll be at the show tonight.
You knock 'em dead.

Will do.

- Nice guy.
- Okay,

Reno Evening Gazette, show me
your inner Eric Sevareid,

my brother, what do you got?

You going steady
with anybody, Shy?

- Can I talk to you off to the side, Mr. Gazette?
- Easy, Reg, I'll answer.

You know,
I've talked about it before.

Had a love of my life
and she got away.

Recorded an entire album
about this woman.

Then I got a Grammy.

Not saying it was
an even trade off, but close.

Who's your
biggest influence, Shy?

Oh, man, that's tough to say.

- Shit.
- Is "everyone" a good answer?

Are you kidding me?

For me, Mr. Nat King Cole
was my...

Fuck!

Stepped on a nail. Ow.

Uh,
Nat took me under his wing,

and now I'm looking
to reach out and do the same

for the next generation.

- Susie Myerson and Associates.
- Reggie, look, I didn't mean to...

- I'm talking.
- Sorry.

How is it you stand here
and shout the ultimate profanity

in the middle
of my boy's presser?

Well, I don't know if that's
the ultimate profanity.

I mean, I can think of, like,
three or four others...

I'm not here to fucking discuss

what the fucking worst
fucking dirty word is.

I'm here to tell you
to be professional.

You're part of Shy's entourage.
You're part of my team.

- Don't you want to know what I was mad about?
- Not even a little bit.

Reggie, I'm sorry,
but this picture...

I-it's not the kind of picture
I want out there.

You didn't give us any other,
so we used what we had.

Yes, because you wouldn't pony
up the money for those pictures.

Hey.
This is not my problem.

Bring us another picture,
or stick with the panty pose.

Sorry. Everybody's
full of shit today. Not you.

You. Them!

- Panty pose.
- I'll fix this.

All right, guys,
let's try it again.

A two, three, four.

Wait, now, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

Forget the tune,

we can't even get past
the second bar.

Someone's throwing an F-sharp in
that does not belong.

So this tune's not gonna be ready.
Is that what's happening?

Somebody speak.

You know,
just take five, everyone.

And five, not ten.

What,
they've never heard of ice?

- You.
- Hello.

- You're lucky.
- Why am I lucky?

Sound check for you is,
"Mic check, one, two,"

and you're done.

Oh, it's much more
complex than that.

Sometimes I slip and say,
"Check mic, four, six,"

and it all goes to hell.

Don't do this.

- Don't do what?
- Try and cheer me up.

- Is that what I'm doing?
- Takes a while

to get back into road-mode.
You miss your bed.

You miss the quiet.

Listen to me,
I'm already losing my voice.

Your voice sounds fine.

When you're a grizzled veteran
like me, you'll understand.

You're all of 33.

Only on the outside.

Hey, Lester, let's talk about
what we're doing for the encore,

and why you're wearing that
terrible shirt to rehearsal.

♪ ♪

♪ Now you say you're ready... ♪

♪ Bet your bottom dollar ♪

♪ I'm so happy I could holler ♪

♪ Ring-a-ling ♪

♪ Ring-a-ling,
ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling ♪

♪ Ring-a-ling... ♪

♪ I just patiently waited ♪

♪ Each time you were
infatuated... ♪

- What are you doing here?
- I'm here to eat.

- Here?
- It's near the club.

- Hm.
- What?

You have any idea
what you ordered?

Nope.
I just pointed at things.

Okay.
Do you like feet?

Depends on how they're prepared.

Do you like a lot of feet?

- Did I just order a bunch of plates of feet?
- You sure you don't

want to go to a Chinese
restaurant that has hamburgers

and apple pie?
This place isn't that.

This is my local place.
I'm staying.

What's that?

Do you like digestive systems
and feet?

- Oh, boy.
- Can I take a swing at this for you?

That might be for the best, yes.

Hey.

This place has very good food,

but weirdly is terrible
with feet.

Oh. Sorry.

No, please, sit.

I ordered too much
for one anyway.

Who are you?

Mei Lin.

- That's your real name?
- Yes.

It's pretty.

- You're blushing.
- No, I'm not.

- You're human.
- Oh, scuttlebutt.

Can I have a sip?

You old enough?

Guess you're old enough.

♪ And I didn't have
nothing but time ♪

♪ Oh, ring-a ling... ♪

- Were you born here?
- Nope.

I was born
in a different restaurant.

- Who do you work for?
- I'm in medical school.

- Really?
- Really.

- And I help out family.
- I never met a woman doctor.

Yeah, technically,
you still haven't.

Who do you work for?

Slave driver, actually.
You're looking at him.

Bold.

What was that about,
with the money?

Hey, food.

♪ Ring-a-ling,
ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling... ♪

I'm on to you.

It's not polite.

♪ Baby, oh, take
this diamond ring. ♪

- Hey, do you have a mirror?
- Sorry. Two minutes to curtain.

- Whoa.
- Is it noticeable?

That your hair has a boner?
Yeah.

- Shit.
- Was this on purpose?

Reggie threw me in
with Shy's hair girl,

and when I came out,
this was my head.

- Does Shy's hair girl hate you?
- Where were you?

If you were there,
you could've kept them

from turning me
into my cousin Chava.

I tracked down the photographer

that took photos when we arrived
and I got this.

This is possibly worse.

But it's funnier
and you can't see your skivvies.

I'm yawning,

I'm clutching my purse
like my cousin Chava's mother.

Right now, it's this
or the panty pose.

- Don't call it that.
- One minute.

- Shit.
- Take a deep breath.

Opening for Shy
was theoretical before.

Now it's not. These people
are all here to see Shy.

- They don't care about me.
- 40 seconds.

What's with the gloves?
You got one on and one off.

I couldn't decide.
What do you think?

I think you should wear
both or neither.

- 30 seconds.
- Is that necessary?

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Phoenician Showroom.

- 20 seconds.
- Really? That's just egregious.

Please give a warm Las
Vegas welcome to rising comedy star...

Way to underplay it.

Mrs. Maisel.

Tits up. -Tits...

- You're on.
- I know. Up.

- You guys supposed to be here?
- Wrong side, wrong side.

Oh, shit.

Thank you, thank you.

Well, well, well,

Las Vegas, Nevada.

The city that was built,
like, what, a week ago?

It's so new,
its bris is tomorrow.

Can we get
another bottle of wine?

I'm from New York, so, for me,

a desert is Bergdorf's when
they're low on Handmacher suits

or Barney Greengrass
when they're out of lox.

My hair is giving me vertigo.

This is not my normal "do."

Would you rather hear Gunsmoke?

I may be able to get
a radio signal.

This shrimp
cocktail is to die for.

Well, then give me some.

Sounds like you're all
enjoying the food.

It's the best shrimp
cocktail I've ever had.

I've heard good things
about the shrimp cocktail.

No wonder this city
has flashing lights everywhere,

it's the only way
to get people's attention.

Maybe tomorrow
instead of an updo,

I'll dress like a Christmas tree.

♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪

Sounds like
we've got a birthday.

That's always fun,
at least until you hit 25 or so.

- Sing something!
- Yeah, sing something.

Oh, you don't want me to sing.

Luckily, you got Shy Baldwin
coming up soon,

and he's gonna
see to that for you.

Hey, you're listening.

- Some of you, at least.
- Berta! Berta!

Berta!

- So my home, New York, is a
- WOMAN 3: Berta!

- Is a very old city.
- Berta, we're over here!

- It told Philadelphia to...
- Over here. Turn right. Right!

- Uh, told Philadelphia to...
- No, turn right, then go straight!

- Told Philadelphia...
- Straight!

Berta, for Pete's sake,
get over to your damn table

before this poor woman
has a stroke.

It's full of shrimp cocktail.

There you go,
there's your incentive.

Yeah, hustle now. Kiss, kiss
and sit your tuchus down.

Sit down, Berta.

I'm from New York.
I know I already said that,

but it's been so long ago,
some of you might've forgotten.

Anywho...

And I was like,
"Take the A train, it's faster."

You must take the A train.

So you're not exactly
a subway material crowd,

and you didn't much like
the jokes about food, children,

or traveling,
and you don't like me much.

What are you, my ex-husband?

Hey, there we go.
We're on a roll.

- Hey, light's blinking.
- What?

- You're done.
- Oh. Guess my set's over.

Gee, you're like my kids,
I finally get you quiet

and then Grandpa shows up
with a suitcase full of donuts.

So let me introduce you to the
man who needs no introduction,

ladies and gentlemen,
the great Shy Baldwin.

So... drink?

Oh, yes.

♪ They say that falling
in love ♪

♪ Is wonderful ♪

♪ It's wonderful ♪

♪ So they say ♪

♪ And with the moon up above ♪

♪ It's wonderful ♪

♪ Wonderful ♪

♪ It's wonderful ♪

♪ So they tell me ♪

♪ I can't recall
who said it... ♪

Why, why,
why was everybody eating?

At the dinner show?
No idea.

I was a stammering idiot.

I already told them you need
a mic that comes off the stand.

That'll help.

I hope Berta's happy
with her seat.

Stupid, deaf, late-arriving,

direction-challenged Berta.

- Midge. Susie.
- Uh-oh.

Are we in trouble?

- We're gonna find out.
- Come on.

Get over here, superstar.
Have a seat.

- Come on.
- Thanks.

Uh, yeah. Thanks, Angie.

That was a great laugh
you got at the end there.

Stupendous.
The whole place erupted.

Yeah, I guess I finished strong.

Strong?
You were a knockout.

Just keep in mind,
the crowd is from all over.

So they don't know
what a Bergdorf's is.

- Good point.
- Cece does, though.

Oh, I haven't introduced you.

This is my girlfriend Cece.

Really nice to meet you.

I love your hair.

- Thank you, Cece.
- Joey,

these ladies had a rough night.
Bring food.

Um, shrimp cocktail, steak,
baked potato, all the trimmings.

Go, go.

Chin up.
You're gonna be great.

Tony, I got to talk to you.
Excuse me.

♪ You're stopping people ♪

♪ Shouting that love is grand ♪

♪ And... ♪

I need to write more patter.

Eat something.
You'll feel better.

- Patter for all 50 states?
- Miriam.

Hey, Illinois.
Two L's and an "oy."

Least there's an "oy"
in Illinois.

Oh, God, I'm panicking,
but depressed.

I'm panicking, but slowly.

A nice, prolonged panic.

- All right. Let's go.
- What?

- Come on.
- Ow. Susie, ow.

Come on out.

♪ So they say. ♪

You know, I hit a jackpot
the other night. Yeah.

I met a mute woman that liked to cook.

What are you doing?

I want to take a shower.

I want to put my feet up
and my hair down.

I want some shrimp.
Room's the other way.

I know where the room is.

Yeah,
the nice thing about playing Vegas

is half of you had
such a great day at the tables,

you'll laugh at anything.

The other half
had such a bad day,

nothing I say
could make it worse.

- That's a load of bullshit.
- Now, my favorite game

is slots,
because it reminds me a lot

of having sex with a woman:

you keep trying
and nothing ever happens, huh?

I don't want to watch
stand-up comedy.

I don't want to be reminded
of my abject failure.

You're not watching it.
You're doing it.

What? No.

No more bitching and moaning.

Get back up there
and say something funny.

Like "I'm a comedian"? That's
fairly hilarious right now.

- Who here's married?
- Susie.

Huh? Yeah.
My birthday coming up,

my wife asked me what I wanted.

I told her a divorce.

Yeah, I visited my parents
last week. It was the first time

- we didn't get in a fight.
- Come on. -No. I don't want to perform.

- No.
- Also my first time going to the cemetery.

Eddie Major,
ladies and gentlemen.

Give him a nice hand.

I guess that's it for me,
everyone. Uh,

- see you tomorrow.
- Get back on that horse. -The horse can go to hell.

- Go.
- Shoot the horse.

- Get up there.
- I want my teddy bears.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Mrs. Maisel.

Hello.

Welcome to the night that
will not end.

So, tonight,
ladies and gentlemen, I failed.

Oh, did I just fail.

Yes.

Applaud me. I need it.
Even if it's mocking.

I have no pride left.

Earlier tonight,
I was in the big room.

That room over there none of you
can afford. Hence, you're here.

It's a nice room.

The drinks
have actual booze in them.

And I went onstage
in that nice big room

with the super boozy drinks
and I just bombed.

Anyway, I'm getting back
on the horse, because

failure is our right
as Americans.

People have fought and died

so I can do stupid things like
leave the sugar out of a cake

or forget to bring
an extra diaper with me

when I take the baby
to the park.

More than once,
she's come home

with the New York Times sports
section wrapped around her ass.

It's what they had in the trash.

Plus, the Red Sox won, so...

Failure is how we grow.

Actually, it's how men grow.

It's how women shrink.

Women are not allowed to fail.

And when we finally get
an opportunity to do something

that isn't normally done
by our sex, we get one chance.

One.

How come men fail
and people say,

"You gave it
the ol' college try,"

but women fail and they say,

"You gave it
the ol' college try,

but you shouldn't be
in college"?

You know, you come to Vegas
and you gamble.

And my question is,

is life not enough of a risk
for you people?

Have you never walked
through a wet field

in high heels
at an outdoor wedding?

Or put on mascara
in a moving car?

Or said to your mother,
"What do you think?"

You really need to look
for more risk?

Hey, it's my boss!

At least until an hour ago.
Are you still my boss?

I don't know. You're saving
all the good stuff for them.

Ladies and gentlemen,

my favorite performer
in the world...

at least until he fires me...

Shy Baldwin.

Oh, sure,
we're having some laughs.

A prettier face comes along,
and I'm chopped liver.

Fine.

I cede the stage.

Oh, now, come on.

I just sang for my supper.

A man can get tired.

A man can get tired
laying bricks.

- Ooh. - SHY: Oh,
so you're mocking my stamina?

- Yes, I am.
- Okay, okay.

- I can sing.
- Let me know if you feel faint!

I'm good.

I am trained
in rescue breathing.

Oh, I see.
It's a mutiny.

Uh, Tim,
get your ass up here and play.

All right, what am I singing?

That-that ain't my song.
That's Reggie's song.

You can borrow it!

Why, your voice
don't work no more?

- I'm not who went flat tonight.
- Oh, I see.

You're in a fighting mood.

Get up here.

Mm, he's throwing down, Reg.

Come on. Don't slow-walk me.
Get up here.

If I do,
I can't be responsible

- for what happens.
- Uh-huh.

People gonna find out
who the real star is.

♪ I got a gal ♪

♪ Who's always late ♪

♪ Any time we have a date ♪

♪ But I love her ♪

♪ Yes, I love her ♪

♪ Is you is
or is you ain't my baby? ♪

♪ The way you're acting lately
makes me doubt ♪

♪ Makes me doubt ♪

♪ Yous is still my baby, baby ♪

So, you back?

Oh, yeah.

I'm back.

♪ Somebody new ♪

♪ Or is my baby ♪

♪ Still my baby true? ♪

Yeah.

Hey.
You seen my guys?

So, the come line
is exactly like the pass line.

And you can have as many
come bets out there as you want.

And you put odds
behind all of 'em?

If you want a chance
to beat the house, yeah,

- you back 'em all up with odds.
- Okay, hold on, hold on.

- I got to write this down.
- All right.

You carve it into slices
halfway through

and then it's back in the oven.

It's a controversial method,
but I stand by it.

This brisket is magic.

You'll see. It grants wishes.

In you go.

Got gougères,
my mother's favorite.

- Who wants some?
- I do.

- I'll take one.
- Me, too.

Now, don't wolf
the appetizers, boys.

Taste them first.

Ooh. Believe me,

Manischewitz is best enjoyed
in small quantities.

Anyone else?

- Hey.
- Hi.

Thanks for the party.

One more room service
club sandwich

and I'd beat someone to death
with my bass.

We haven't officially met.

I'm Midge.
I'm the comic.

I know. You're
a couple rooms down from me.

I saw you the other night.

I didn't think you'd remember.

I wasn't drunk.

Howard was drunk.
And slow.

He's handsy but harmless.

You're hysterical.

Thanks.
You're...

- bass-y.
- Thanks.

Not really up
on my musician lingo.

Just keep cooking homemade meals
for these animals,

and they'll be happy
to teach it to you.

For that and other reasons.

Yeah.
Boys will be...

Pigs.

- You married?
- Nope.

Got kids, though.

Me, too.
Two.

Three.
All under ten.

Got a little homesick yesterday.

Hence, brisket.

It's not easy,
being on the road.

But what else are we gonna do...

stay home?
Dust?

Fuck dust.

Hello, Carole.

Hello, Howard.

Let's have a drink one day.

I'll explain
the rules of the road to you.

I would love that.

Hey!

What the hell is going on here?

Guess you guys decided
you're rehearsed enough.

- Is that it?
- I'm sorry.

It's my fault.
I made a brisket.

- A what?
- My famous Passover brisket.

It's the reason
the angel of death spared us.

So, Midge makes a brisket...

and no one invites me?

Hell, you guys
have rehearsed enough.

- Gimme a drink.
- Gotcha, boss.

I had a hunch you had
something to do with this.

Gougère?

If you make me fat,
I'll fire you.

They payoff big,
so if the table is hot

and you're in the black,
back up your place bets

- by throwing...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on.

Oh!

So, your girl gonna get good?

She's already good.

Your girl gonna get good?

Yeah.
She's gonna get good.

'Cause if she can't tell jokes,
she can always be the tour chef.

Mmm.
This gougère is righteous.

She's gonna get fucking good.

Hey.

♪ Open the door, Richard ♪

Aw, here come Reggie.

♪ Open the door and let me in ♪

♪ Open the door, Richard ♪

♪ Richard, why don't you
open that door ♪

- ♪ Open the door, Richard ♪
- All right!

♪ Open the door and let me in ♪

♪ Open the door, Richard ♪

♪ Richard, why don't you
open that door ♪

♪ Open the door, Richard ♪

♪ Open the door and let me in ♪

♪ Help me, Richard! ♪

♪ Open the door, Richard ♪

♪ Richard, why don't you
open that door. ♪

♪ Runnin' away ♪

♪ To get away ♪

♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ You're wearing out
your shoes ♪

♪ Look at you fooling you ♪

♪ Making blues ♪

♪ Of night and day ♪

♪ Hee-hee-hee-hee ♪

♪ You're stretching out
your dues ♪

♪ Look at you fooling you ♪

♪ Shorter cut is quicker but ♪

♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ Time is here to stay ♪

♪ Look at you fooling you ♪

♪ The deeper in debt ♪

♪ The harder you bet ♪

♪ Hee-hee-hee-hee ♪

♪ You need more room to play ♪

♪ Look at you fooling you. ♪