All language subtitles for The Ricky Gervais Show - 01x01 - Space Monkey.en

( instrumental music playing )

Announcer: For the past
few years ricky gervais,

Stephen merchant,
and karl pilkington

Have been meeting regularly

For a series of
pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing.
- Is that all right?

( dings )

Hello and welcome to
"the ricky gervais show"

With me, ricky gervais,
stephen merchant...

Hello. -...And the
little round-headed buffoon

That is karl pilkington.

Hi.

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Now you probably know
me from such works

As "the office" and "extras"--

Stephen being my co-writer

And co-director on those things.

For those people who are not
so aware of karl pilkington,

He was our producer
sort of given to us

When we first started on xfm.

And you're thinking, well,
why are we doing a podcast?

It's because I like to be in
a room with karl pilkington.

You know, like,
some people go and help chimps.

- Do they?
- Yeah.

Stephen: They go to the
jungles and things.

Ricky: And help out
little endangered species.

Stephen: Dian fossey or whatever.

You're very much the dian
fossey of the manchester scene.

Of the little bald manc world.

And karl pilkington is-
is an ongoing experiment for me

Because I've seen him blossom
from an idiot into an imbecile.

- ( stephen laughing )
- and I want to see it through.

Look at the way he's looking at us.

Look at that-- he's got
a perfectly round head

And that's why I'm
doing this podcast.

Karl, what do you
think about all this?

Um, it's just, I mean,
we are living

In that era now, aren't we?

Like, you need to be able to listen to
stuff on demand when you want it and stuff.

You're not a fan of the
ipod in general, are you?

Or any of the mp3 things?
You're concerned.

Uh... I'm warming to it, but--

This is what's amazing about karl.

Even though he's talking about
things like mp3 players,

Computers, ipods,

He sounds like he was found
in a glacier and thawed out.

Do you know what I mean?
And sort of taught to speak.

Stephen: We're a couple
of high school guys

Who found him and we're trying
to ingratiate him in the gang,

Trying to pass him off as
someone from the modern day.

No no, but my thing with ipods is now,
do we need them?

Do you know what I mean?

We're living in the era
now where we have invented

Most of the stuff that we need.

( stephen laughs ) - and
now we're just messing about.

They said that in 1900.

Someone actually said,
"everything at's

To be invented has
already been invented."

They said that in 1900.
And how wrong were they?

But what came out-- at what point--

What was invented in that year

Where they went, "right,
that's it now"?

The 20th century. Think what
happened in the 20th century.

Go on.

Well, planes.

Yeah, but is that a good thing--

Planes and that?

Do you need a plane, really?

Wouldn't it have been better if
we all stuck where we should be

Instead of traveling about?

- Why?
- War.

Well, look,
war's happening, isn't it?

Because everyone's saying, "well,
now we can fly. We'll go over there--"

So there were no wars prior to
the invention of the airplane?

Not like-- not like
there is today. - Right.

But what I'm saying is the more--

The world's got smaller, isn't it?

Everyone's saying that,
right? - Ricky: Yeah.

You know, the way I was
saying to you the other day,

Uh, you know, we now go to
places where we shouldn't go.

People go on holiday
to places where

You've gotta have an injection
before you go there.

Forget it then. That's a warning.

- Don't go there.
- I'm with you on that.

I don't want to enter a country
where I have to have an injection

To stop me from dying
while I'm in that country.

- I totally agree with you on that.
- So what happened is--

So they invented the plane and it's like,
"let's go on holiday."

And they go, "oh, we're dying now.

We've gotta invent something-
let's invent an injection."

And then it's like, "well,
what else do we need to go to that place?"

It's a lot of faffing.

So what I'm saying-- - stephen:
Is that a place-- a lot o' faffing?

What I'm saying is steve's
traveled more than I have.

You've been to dangerous places.

I've been to places where you
needed injections. - Yeah, but why?

Because it's fascinating, isn't it?

Do you not believe ithe idea
of travel broadens the mind?

You know, it makes you experience other
ways of life, other ways of thinking.

It just enriches you
as a human being.

That's the whole reason
people go traveling.

Karl: But since the
invention of the telly,

You don't have to go that far to--

- You're absolutely right.
- So there you go then.

The telly was the 20th
century, wasn't it?

Yeah, it's pretty good. There's some
good stuff. - So where would you stop then?

You'd stop inventing
stuff right now?

If we're gonna invent something,

Forget, like, the traditional
way of people having kids,

The way they, you know,
have it away and that.

- You have a little--
- what do you mean?

You know, like, the way
that we have kids and stuff.

It'd be good if what happened was--

To control it-
is if man and woman--

They sort of-
they're born and that.

They enjoy their life.
They learn a lot.

They live to be about 78.
I think by that point--

- Ricky: So specific!
- No no no.

Well, by 78, I reckon you've
got to that point where you go,

"I've done everything
I'm gonna do."

If you haven't bungee-jumped
by the time you're 78,

You're not gonna do it.
So it's kind of like--

- Ricky: Your hips would come off.
- You've done it all now.

- Ricky: Yeah.
- And then you die, right?

So say if everyone had that-
they lived to be 78.

But then, just as you die,

You have a little baby inside you.

And as you die,
your life carries on.

- Sorry, are you--
- how is this happening?

- Sorry, are you mental?
- But don't you think--

I mean, what--
I've never heard such drivel.

You're saying that. But if newton said it,
you'd go, "hmm, interesting."

- ( guys laughing )
- karl: That's what annoys me.

The point is, karl, he never would.

He'd never say it.
That's the point.

- I don't--
- if you never say it--

I don't understand what
you're talking about there.

How-- how is there a little
baby in a 78-year-old?

What I'm saying is it's like an apple,
where... - Stephen: Hah!

...The apple grows and it's got
its little baby pips in it.

And the apple grows and the seeds
are planted and a new one's born.

- But that's what happens.
- But that is what reproduction is.

Yeah, but I'm saying babies aren't
being born left, right, and center.

It's-- it's-- it's controlled

So that as someone dies,

Someone's born.

Stephen: But, karl, stop.

Whose responsibility is this?

If you don't wanna do it,
then don't do it.

Is this supposed to be nature?

Has nature got to develop humans

So that we act that way,
we live that way?

Or is this a scientific experiment?

What I like is he said-
he said to you then,

"look, if you don't wanna do it,
we don't need to do it."

Like, "if you're up for it,
we'll sort it out.

We can do that." - we'll have a
whip-round, so we can do the research.

I just think at the end of the
day we've gotta do something.

And is aone keeping an eye on this
and looking at what we can do next

To control the population thing?

It does my head in that I've gotta live
in london for work and what have you.

There's loads of people there.

And forget going out on a
Saturday night. It's too busy.

You can't move and they keep-- I mean,
what annoys me about london--

So your solution is
that 78-year-old women

And as they slip away into death,
the little babies--

And how is that baby then raised?
Who looks after the baby?

Because it's a pretty good system--

Having a baby while you're young
enough to look after that baby

And make sure it lives to, you know,
reproductive age itself.

That system's been
working for years.

Nature sort of sorted it out.

Natural selection and evolution
sort of makes that a good model.

Stephen: But wait a minute, nature.

Pop that on hold because karl
pilkington's got an idea.

- Ricky: Yeah.
- Karl: Uh...

It was just-- that's what it was,
just an idea.

Yeah, well, you know,
it was nonsense.

But thank you for it. - ( laughing
) it was one of the worst ideas.

I mean, it was the
ramblings of someone

You'd find by themselves
in a hospital eating flies.

This is the sort of
thing you find when--

If they find maybe a
pamphlet or a booklet

- Written by a psychopath.
- ( ricky guffaws )

Stephen: Just before
they went on a rampage

And then turned the
gun on themselves,

They go through their possessions

And they find weird drawings-
women with knives in their face

And this kind of gobbledygook.

In fact, I saw-
I saw a similar theory

Written out on a wall,
but it was written in shit.

( laughing ) exactly, yeah.

No, all I'm saying
is I think it's--

You know, when people die normally,

Everyone's fed up about it,
aren't they? And a bit down.

( ricky laughs ) - but if
when you pass away, they go,

"we're gonna miss gladys,
" or whatever,

But then there's this
new life brought in.

It's almost like a
bad news/good news.

But you're talking about it like

Someone could pick this
idea up and run with it,

Like you've given them
enough information to do it.

How is this possible?
Where does she get the baby from?

How-- why does it-
why grow it in gladys's belly?

- Why not have it in a drawer?
- Karl: But what I'm saying--

"ready to go. Just add water."

Stephen: Who looks
after son of gladys?

Ricky: There is no theory here.

It's the ramblings of a madman.

What I'm saying is, though,

The body's always changing,
isn't it?

From caveman to now or whatever.

- ( snickers )
- in some cases.

And they're always
finding out more.

Like, I read the other day about how-
they're saying--

Do you know how, like,
they say people have six senses?

Ricky: Yeah. - There's
loads more than that.

Right? And there's this--

Okay, show me that you've
got one. - No, right?

And there's this one that's
knocking about-- - go on.

That-- what it is-- say if I'm--

Say if I'm in a pub, right?

And I'm just doing a
crossword or whatever.

Stephen: Unlikely, but go on.

Karl: And there's some woman
who's walked in, right?

And she's staring at me.
I know she's looking at me.

And I look up and I look round
and she's looking at me.

And they're saying that's a new
sense that they've found out

From, like, you know,
doing tests and what have you.

Yeah, it's rubbish. - And
they're saying that's been around

Since, like, man and
dinosaur was knocking about.

- They-- they've stopped--
- they've explained it.

I think it's safe to assume that
with your perfectly round head

People are always
stopping and looking.

You just know that there's
probably gonna be--

They said it's from the time when,
like, caveman was wandering about,

And he'd go, "hang on a minute,
" and he'd look round.

There's a dinosaur there or
whatever and he'd leg it.

- Right, this is nonsense.
- It's not--

One, I hate it when
people use the term,

"when caveman was wandering round."

Cavemen and dinosaurs-
they used to live together, yeah.

That's the same era, yeah.

What have you been watching?
Raquel welch?

What do you mean? - Well,
what do you mean "caveman wandering--

Knocking around with a dinosaur"?

You know "the flintstones"
is only partly based on fact?

Dinosaurs and man did not coexist.

The dinosaurs had long
gone before man arrived.

Extinct, kaput.

Mm... - What,
you don't believe us?

Ricky: You don't believe
us because you've--

Stephen: Because they took pictures
of lizards and magnified them

And put them next to man in films

So they looked like
they were fighting?

Now why-- why couldn't
that have happened?

What is the film with raquel welch?

- "a million years bc"?
- "10 million years bc" or something.

"a million years bc.
" brilliant. - Yeah.

No no, but-- - she had a
sort of woolly mammoth bikini.

Fact. - But why wasn't
the dinosaurs back then

Just like how we have
dogs now in a way?

He's watching "the flintstones."

Ricky: He's thinking "
the flintstones."

Stephen: When he puts out
the sabertoothed tiger...

Ricky: And he mixes his
concrete in a pelican.

( laughing )

I just-- I just think that there--

There must have been
a crossover point.

Why do you say that? Why do you
think there must have been?

Because if nothing was knocking about
at any point, how did anything carry on?

I know. Exactly.

Why-- why didn't hitler meet nero?

It's weird, isn't it?
There must have been a crossover.

They must have met
at a party somewhere.

Stephen: They mixed
in similar circles.

Ricky: Yeah, they must
have bumped into--

I can't believe it.

- Aw, forget it.
- Oh.

Well, now time for one
of our regular features:

- Monkey news.
- Do the jingle.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.

- ( monkey gibbers )
- ( morse code beeping )

What we're doing here is--

Is just giving you a bit of
monkey news that's gone on

Where a monkey's
been involved in it.

A good little story
and that. - Yeah.

Are you familiar with the
one that went into space?

The first thing they
ever sent up there?

Before man did it and all that.

You see, this is what
annoys me with it really.

Armstrong gets all the glory.

But do you know who went up
there before-- before him?

- A monkey.
- Yeah.

And what happened is they taught it

What buttons to hit at
the time it needed to.

And the way they did this was,
like, give it bananas.

It was like, "hit the red button,"

And it'd hit the red button
and they'd give it a banana.

They'd go, "right, reverse is t
green one. Hit the green one."

They'd do that and go,
"there's a banana."

Then they'd go, "right,
hit reverse,"

And it'd go, pfft, and get a banana.
"hit the red--"

So it was taking commands on,
like, headphones.

Is that how you
learned to do radio?

How were they giving it the banana?

What do you mean?
This is before it went.

You don't just go and
put a monkey in it

And go, "there you go.
Get on with it."

They put him in one of
them capsules that you get.

- With-- on headphones-
- - I don't believe this happened.

- I'm telling you this story now.
- I don't think they trained it.

I think they sent it up
there and he put electrodes

Coming out of it to see what-- - no,
it wasn't any of that.

They did a thing, like they do,
like they can with animals.

If you give something,
you know, like a treat,

You can teach it how to do it.

It's just like a dog, isn't it?

It's called pavlovian conditioning.

However, that was to see
if it would salivate

Or go over to a particular corner,

Not if it could
control a spacecraft.

Next one up-- so next one up--

As far as-- the monkey's
not sat there going,

"oh, I'm a bit under pressure here.
It's a rocket."

All that's knowing is, "
I'm getting a banana if I hit that button."

That's all the monkey's
thinking about.

They wouldn't put billions
of space dollars--

But how can they be
sure that it's gonna

Press the button at
the right moment?

Because it's got headphones on.

It's not like willy-nilly.
It's not just like--

Willy nilly? Who's that?

What's to stop it from
hitting it any old time?

- It's a monkey and it's not a human.
- Because he's trained now.

Oh, he's fully trained.
Yeah, go on.

- So what happened is...
- Ricky: This is absolute rubbish.

...They pop the monkey in there.
He's got his headphones on.

They're going, "right,
hit the green one,"

And I think there's something there

That a little banana
comes out to keep--

- No, you're making this up.
- I'm not. It's the same--

There's no way that
they made a spacecraft

That had a banana dispenser.

There's no way in this world
that they made a spacecraft

That could go into outer space

Manned by a monkey with
a banana dispenser.

So you're saying that it's easy
to send someone up to space,

But you don't believe there's
a little banana machine?

Right, okay, so--

So it comes to launch day,

Monkey's sat in there,
everyone's ready,

Bananas are stocked up
and all the rest of it.

They go, "right,
hit the green button."

Bpoof, right? And the rocket
goes off and what have you.

No, they would not make the
monkey launch the rocket.

Karl, you are living
in a cartoon world.

So the rocket goes off,
right? - This is absolute bollocks!

It's all going well. - I mean,
I don't know where you get it--

It's not going well. There's no
way a monkey launched a rocket.

There is no way a monkey
launched a rocket, you idiot!

Karl: "hit the left button,
" and it goes to the left.

The left button! Oh,
a well-known spacecraft command.

"this is houston.
Hit the left button."

Oh, brilliant. This is
what happened in apollo 13.

"hit the left button.
" oh, you are--

It goes left, yeah? It goes left.

Karl: So it goes left
and it's going away.

Ricky: Left! It goes left!

"no, the moon! You're going right!"

It goes for the moon and everything.
Everything's going well.

All right, they get up there.
It does whatever it does.

"hit reverse." it comes back.

- ( cackling ) reverse!
- So then--

You are-- honestly,
you are brain-dead.

You are one of the
most stupid peop--

That I would rather have the
monkey drive me home than you.

So the thing is-- so it lands back.

It does a good job and everything.

- It gets out--
- it's sick of bananas.

This is where it turns a bit sad.

Because after it's
done that mission--

Because it happened and it
was all safe and everything,

The nextne would have
been to send man. - Right.

So the monkey enjod
it and it was like,

"I wanna do it again."

- But they were like--
- so how did they know that?

Just the way it looked and what
have you. - ( ricky cackling )

Fuck off!

- Just the way it looked!
- ( violin music playing )

- You are a maniac.
- So the thing is though--

So after it had done that,
it was on such a high,

It could never get that high again.

Turned to drugs? - There
was nothing that it could do.

Went on tour, did it?

It sort of ended up killing itself

Because it could never get
that buzz that it got.

Right, that was absolute bollocks.

None of that is true
except they sent

A monkey into space
and I checked that.

Absolute drivel. - So in
your mind it committed suicide.

It went on a crazy bender--

Drinking, drugs,
and women and then--

Karl: It does happen.
You hear about it.

Stephen: And then it was
found in a motel room.

( ricky laughing )

I met derek acorah the other week.

- Oh, yeah.
- Right?

Now who's he? Which one's he?

- He's a--
- is he a medium?

He can contact the dead,
is that right?

He just chats to 'em,
passes messages on. - Nice of him.

So I said, "tell us
something a bit weird."

So he said, "what do
you want to know?"

I said, "just something weird."

So he goes, "all right then.
Here's one for ya."

And he said, "there's this
pub out in the country."

And he said, "there's this mug."

Do you know those old
mugs that they have

Where they used to leave
their own cup knocking about?

- Like a tankard?
- Oh, yeah yeah.

- A tankard thing.
- Yeah.

So there was one of them
mugs in there, right?

And everybody-- - let's use
"tankard" if we've established--

- All right, a tankard.
- You're the only mug

In this story, believing it all.

High five. Great.

So this tankard's
knocking about, ght?

And everyone who's running
the pub keeps going,

"we should stop leaving
this tankard about."

- And they pick it up--
- it must be a pain.

I mean, a tiny,
small tankard in a pub.

That must be a real grind.

Karl: So they picked it up and went,
"we'll have to wash that,"

And they popped it on
a different sideboard.

Next thing you know,
that person who's touched it died.

- Stephen: Sure.
- ( ricky laughing )

They must have been
getting through bar staff!

So they kept getting new staff and went
like, "what's the connection here?"

- What's the connection here?
- Oh, karl.

- Karl: So they get a vicar in...
- Stephen: Of course they do.

Karl:...And they go, "look,

There's a lot of weird
stuff going on here.

This-- this tankard--

Every time someone touches it,
they die."

So he said, "leave it with me."

He gets his special water
out and what have you.

He comes round, does a
little prayer, sprinkles it.

He goes, "right, not a problem.
Don't worry about it."

He picks it up,
chucks it in the bin.

- Guess what.
- Ricky: What?

Karl: Dies in a crash on the
way home... - ( car crashes )

Because he picked it up.

Wait, but-- but, karl,
you're telling me this like it's fact

And I'm meant to go,
"that's amazing."

Derek acorah, he told me.

( laughs ) karl, I've-- I have--

I have no opinion of
that story other than

I'm pretty sure there was
absolutely no connection

Between touching the
tankard and him dying.

- That's all I'm sure of.
- It's not just him, though, is it?

I-- I'm not gonna even
contest the chain of events.

All I'm saying is there
is no connection.

There is no connection possible
because I believe in logic

And the laws of the universe.

Yeah, but what I mean-
you never pick up a vibe of--

I've got a mate

Who is living in this
big stately home.

He's living in there now.
He pays £100 a month.

- There's about 80 rooms.
- Ricky: Gee.

Karl: It's this big stately
house and what have you.

And I went down there. He said,
"oh, come down and have a look."

From outside you go,
"this is brilliant."

It's like something out of
"the manor born" or something.

You go, "this is impressive."

But then when you get in,
it's like it's a wreck.

And we go in and all the floors

Are, like, a wreck
and rotten and stuff.

I looked at the wall and there was

A little piece of paper
stuck on the wall.

And I said, "what's this here?"

So I wandered over,

Got right up close to it,
and somebody had wroted--

"somebody had wroted"?

- No, some--
- "somebody had wroted"?

Right, I love this. He can d--

Right, go on. Yeah, go on. Sorry--

Karl: So there's a
little sign there

And I go up to it and it
says "flies" with an arrow.

Lies"-- like "flies this way."

I think, "that's a bit weird."

So I follow the arrow,

Which goes to this corner
where there's a shelf.

About 3,000 dead flies on it.

- Ricky: Oh my god.
- Karl: Condom stuck on the top.

( ricky cackling, flies buzzing )

- That's weird, isn't it?
- That is weird.

Karl: So I'm looking at that
and there's loads of stuff

On the floor and that,
bits of paper.

Picked up this bit of paper, right?

And it had-- like,
in biro and that.

It looked really old,
like it'd been there years

And it had-- it had something like,

"need: Nappies, dummy, blankets."

Like, all this-
all stuff for, like--

And I turned it over and it said,

"none of this now needed.
Baby dead."

- Christ!
- Right.

Now that's weird, isn't it?

Now that's what I'm talking
about when you get a bad vibe.

You go, "that's-
who's been in here?"

Its bad vibe is just
based on the fact that--

- Your mate's in charge.
- Yeah, that's terrifying.

I mean, yes, but it's like saying,
"are we scared of the dark?"

I understand why people are scared
of the dark. I'm a little scared.

Because you don't
know what's in it.

That's why people get nervous.

It doesn't mean you
have to make the leap

That you've got some
paranormal sense--

"oh, my god, I'm karl pilkington and,
just like derek acorah,

I have sensed something
strange and evil in this room.

Wait a minute. There are
some flies and a condom.

- I was right all along."
- that is weird.

Flies and a johnny equals badness.

The flies and the
condom was weird enough.

It's weird, but I don't know--

But the note, the note!

I just think of his
face when he saw that,

Reading it by torchlight.

He must have been terrified!

It's a bit odd, isn't it?

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www.addic7ed.com