Original subtitles

(ambient music)

(jazzy theme music)

(gentle music)

- [Sue] Good morning, Mr. Tickle.

And look at Miss Cheeky-Face.

I thought you'd be up by now, you lazy-lumpkins.

(dog whimpers)

Do you remember?

Mummy and Daddy are going shopping,

and you promised to mind me, didn't you?

Huh!

- How could we forget, Mr Tickle?

- Fuck off. (dog whimpers)

- Morning!

- Morning, Sue.

Didn't even hear your key in the front door,

must have been miles away.

- I've brought his basket,

and some pig's ears in case he fancies a chew.

- All right, Mum, you're only going out for the day.

He's not going to starve.

- He can have a bacon butty with me if he likes.

- Always dangerous to have me around

in the same sentence as bacon and butty.

- Um, where do you think you're going?

- Siphon the python.

You know how it is.

- We've got a bathroom out there, thank you very much.

- Otherwise occupied.

Apologies, but needs must.

- Occupied?

- Sorry, love, it's your father.

You know how he likes to clear things out

and make a fresh start before we go on a long journey.

(car horn honks)

Oh! There they are.

Bang on time as always.

- Make a fresh start.

- Shh.

Hey, where you going?

- To find a pot to piss in.

Might have to nip to the Arndale.

Only place anyone can get any peace in this town anymore.

(toilet flushing)

(groans)

(upbeat music)

(car beeps)

- Hiya!

- [Man] Hiya, love!

- I don't know how many times I have to tell you,

they're fine,

- It's just something I've got to get used to.

- All the mums wear them.

They're used to it.

- You said all the dads wear them last night.

- They're just trainers!

- They make me wobble.

I'm not used to being so parallel to the ground.

- Stop being paranoid.

- Women should walk, not wobble.

Be honest with me, will you?

- Like I'm never.

- Do I look like a lesbian?

- What?

- You know, a bit PE teachery.

- You can't say shit like that.

It's 2012.

- Less of the S-word, thank you very much.

Oh! Oh God, not now.

Not when I look like this.

Keep going, keep going, keep going.

- He's waving.

- Keep going, keep going.

- Wave, will you?

Stop the car!

What are you doing?

- It's these bloody trainers.

I told you, they're useless!

(knocking)

(laughs)

- Have you got a contract out on me or something?

- Oh, don't be silly!

- I didn't know you were playing.

I would've come and watched.

- Yeah?

- Oh, well, that's the last thing you want,

your Saturday morning being hijacked.

- I know when I'm not wanted.

- She didn't mean it.

Come, it'll be fun, go on.

- Honestly, it's fine, I'll just go for me run,

and then I'll come back

and I'll make myself some scrambled eggs

and then I'll stare at the same four walls all afternoon.

Alone.

- Ooh, blimey.

Just come.

We'd love you to come.

Please!

- Yeah?

Great, I'll just get me jacket.

- Poor bloke.

I hope he doesn't think you hate him.

- Well, why would he think that?

- Well, it didn't exactly look good

nearly mowing him down, did it?

- I didn't mean to!

- You were well rude.

What if he doesn't come back out?

Wouldn't blame him if he didn't.

- Oh, God. (upbeat acoustic guitar music)

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

(knocking)

- I'm going home, love.

- Are you?

- Yeah, thanks for your hospitality and all that,

but there's only so much headboard-banging I can take.

I was watching reruns of Jeremy Kyle half the night

because of you two.

Very Sid and Nancy.

- Oh, sorry.

- Hey, don't knock it, kid.

Enjoy it whilst it's on offer.

I just like me kip, that's all.

I'll help meself to a couple of crumpets, then I'll be off.

You're very kind for putting me up.

I owe you a lager and lime.

Ta-ra!

- Oh.

- Did she really just say headboard-banging?

- Yeah, oh.

(upbeat acoustic guitar music)

(knocking)

- I'm so sorry.

I owe you an explanation.

- Do you?

- It takes a lifetime to perfect walking

three inches above sea-level,

then something like football comes into your life

and you have to start over.

It's a minefield being a woman.

Do you hate them?

- Hate what?

- My feet!

In these.

- Your feet?

- I'm sorry.

I'm in a bit of a lather this morning.

- Ah, that's an interesting image, Bianca.

It's one I quite like, actually.

- Ooh!

Oh.

I didn't mean to be rude.

Some of the women have been staring at me at football,

and I know they think I'm doolally,

but I'm just not a comfy-shoe kind of girl.

- Well, you let them stare.

They're jealous.

You look fantastic.

Come on!

- I thought it was a shingle.

Just on its own it was, behind here.

You end up blind if you get it past 40, you know.

- Well, was it a shingle or not?

(toilet flushing)

- [Barry] Terry!

- Hey, Barry! Hey, hey.

- You all right, love?

- She's got a shingle.

- [Barry] Oh no!

- Uncle Terry, Auntie Margaret.

- Well, look at you.

Shall we have a bear-hug?

- (laughs) Do mind if we don't?

- Ooh.

- Hello, handsome.

- Where are you lot off to?

- [Margaret] Chorley Mill.

- There's a new wine shop.

- You don't like wine.

- We're doing the Christmas booze run.

- Christmas is ages away.

- You know what I say, don't you?

- What do you say, Uncle Terry?

- Be prepared, never scared.

- Come on now, Flossy Pops.

Are you going to be good for Lisa and Dan?

(dog whimpers) Are you?

If you put a paw wrong, you're grounded.

Here you are, love.

- Cheers, oh, oh.

- Come on, you.

- Bye!

- Bye.

- [Women] Bye.

- Have fun, Bazza!

- Fun?

In the car with them two?

Are you trying to wind me up?

- I don't know why your mum and dad put up with him.

People shouldn't have to be subjected to torture

just 'cause they're related.

(loud rock music)

Oh, please, no.

- [Woman On TV] Everywhere there's clutter,

and this makes your house--

- Do you wanna do something?

- Like what?

- Dunno, just something.

I'm starving, we could go and get some breakfast.

Fancy that?

- Yeah, why not?

- Why not?

Is that it? (laughs)

Should you not be jumping up and down with glee,

saying what a brilliant idea?

- What a brilliant idea.

(laughs)

- Hey, if you can't be arsed, you could always come

and get back in here, you know.

Bit more headboard-banging.

(knocking)

- Well, I've just had a shower.

- So?

(laughing)

- [Greg] Whoo!

- Ooh! - Oh! Ah!

(laughing)

- I thought we were having lunch out.

- In case we get hungry before we get there.

- We just had breakfast.

- And it's only half an hour away.

- What if there's traffic?

- What about the services?

We can always get a burger if we're hungry.

- What if the services aren't in walking distance

of the traffic?

Bear Grylls would be horrified

going on a daytrip with you two,

never mind Dead by Teatime, wouldn't he?

- That's what I love about my Margaret.

Not just a pretty face, eh, love?

(car engine starts)

- I want a paper.

- What?

Oh, I'll see you in there.

- [Greg] All right.

- Greg?

I thought that was you.

- Bloody hell!

- (laughs) Is that a compliment?

You're bowled over by my beauty?

- Sorry. (laughs) No.

I mean, yeah, obviously.

You just made me jump.

- How are you?

- Yeah, not bad.

How are you?

- Great, thanks.

You know, you and me should go out some time.

Grab a burger or something.

Unless you're a veggie.

- A veggie?

- Yeah, it's just your immediate aversion

to the word burger.

Or is it just your immediate aversion to me?

- Listen, Kim, it's nothing heavy.

It's just me and my ex, we're--

- Spare me the details.

It's cool, really cool.

- I'm sorry.

- No, you're not.

Blokes like you are never sorry, Greg.

You're just good at saying it.

You got nothing to be sorry for if you think about it,

so why would you say it?

- All right.

I was only being polite.

- Polite? Oh yeah, that.

Like you were when you legged it

the morning after we'd been shagging all night

without even saying goodbye.

(men yelling)

- Yeah, down the line, down the line, that's it!

- They just don't seem to want to get to know me.

It's not that I haven't made the effort.

- It's out of order.

It's out of order.

- See her over there?

Blatantly ignored me last week.

- Well, what about the other one?

Big black coat?

She looks friendly.

That's it, pass wide!

Go on!

- Bit of a snob.

Green jeans, stripy top, over there.

- Go on, lad!

- The one with the big hips.

- Even bigger backside.

(laughing) (referee whistles)

Oh, come on, ref!

He's diving!

Maybe if you got yourself a bit more involved.

Offered to wash the kits, or something.

You'll soon make friends.

- You think so?

- They can't ignore you forever.

Yeah, there'll be a rota system, just ask...

Go, go on, Gary!

(men cheering)

- [Man] Off, goal then!

(cheering)

- [Man] Gary!

(upbeat music)

- Wasn't he brilliant!

(horns honking)

- Five letters.

"Tried hard to grasp point."

- He won't get it.

- What's it begin with?

- I don't know.

He won't know it, and he won't get it.

- I don't like cryptic clues.

In the past, they've actually been known

to trigger one of my migraines.

Like a bullet right through me temple.

- Any other letters?

- None yet, it's the first clue.

"Tried hard to grasp point."

- I'm more of a Sudoku person meself.

- Well, you know what I say, don't you, love?

The world would be a boring place

if it wasn't for the occasional sexual deviant.

(laughs)

- I feel queasy.

- Do you want me to let some air in?

- Fancy another?

- All right, love, I'm ready.

- As the maid said to the vicar. (chuckles)

- "Start over with no restrictions."

Nine letters.

- I'm sorry, love, I'm just not feeling it.

And before you say a word, Terry, that's a figure of speech.

- Come on!

How long do you think it's going to be?

- Shall I ring our Kerry

and see if she can ask the Internet what's going on?

- You can't do that, can you?

- You can ask the Internet anything, these days.

- Go on then, lad, phone her.

And get her to ask it what

"trying hard to grasp the point" is, and all.

- Oh!

- You all right, love?

- Motion sickness.

- But we're not moving!

- Don't have to be.

Dr. Philips thinks I'm a phenomena.

- Come on!

(horn honking)

- [Waiter] Beverage?

- Hi.

- Well? Beverage?

- Uh, fresh orange.

- With bits, or not?

- With bits, mate.

- You hate bits.

He hates bits.

- I prefer them these days, actually.

- Do you?

Sorry, ignore me.

Juice, please, no bits.

- What else?

- Two teas, please.

- Uh, one tea.

Coffee for me, pal.

- Coffee?

- Coffee, and Full Monty, extra hash.

- Full Monty for me, please.

No black pudding, extra mushrooms.

Cheers.

I wanna know what his wife's like.

- Might not have one.

- I bet she's a right stroppy cow, and his kids.

I bet he's got dead stroppy kids, and all.

- Probably.

- What's up?

Greg?

What's up?

- [Kerry] Hiya, Dad!

- [Terry] Hiya, love!

- [Kerry] Hiya, Mum!

Hiya, love.

- Say hello to Auntie Sue and Uncle Barry, love.

- [Kerry] Oh, hi, Auntie Sue and Uncle Barry.

- [Both] Hiya, love!

- [Terry] We're stuck in a jam.

- [Kerry] Oh, no!

What kind of jam?

- A traffic jam.

- [Kerry] Oh, nightmare.

- Google the traffic report

and see if you can find anything out.

- [Kerry] About what?

- About the traffic!

- [Terry] We're stuck on the A56.

- Yeah, we're about half a mile from the Trafford center.

- Give us a ring back, love.

- And make it snappy.

- [Kerry] Hey, what will you do if you need the toilet, Mum?

- Hopefully it won't come to that, love.

- [Barry] If you hurry up and get on with it!

- [Kerry] On with what?

- Not sure about the jacket.

- Hmm, I bet she doesn't even ski.

- Bet you she does.

Bet you she skis in Klosters.

You should see her car.

(both laugh)

Oh, blimey.

Must be one of your many admirers!

- Oh, shit.

Ah, shit.

Shit!

- Do you know her?

- Don't say anything.

- About what?

- Don't say anything!

- Hiya, Chris.

What you doing here?

- Watching the match.

- Oh, hello! Obviously.

- Bianca, this is Jenny.

Jenny, Bianca.

- Pleased to meet ya.

- You too, love.

You're, um, you're Gary's stepmum, aren't you?

- Yeah.

- We were very sorry

to hear about what happened with Gary's dad.

- Thank you, that's very kind of you.

- How's Cassie and Jake?

- Excuse me?

Is that meant to be funny?

- Well, I haven't seen them since, you know.

Since they moved.

- And you know fine well I haven't seen them either.

- Right then.

It's very nice to meet you, Bianca.

Chris. - Bye.

- Bye, then.

- Bye, cock.

She was nice.

Lovely, in fact.

- Don't let appearances fool you, Bianca.

She is a bitch.

- Are Cassie and Jake your children?

- Yeah, and I know what your next question's gonna be.

- Do you?

- Mm-hmm, Jenny is my ex-wife's best friend.

- Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry if that wasn't easy for you.

Are you okay, cock?

- No!

I'm really sorry, I've gotta go.

(phone rings)

- Hiya, love!

- [Kerry] Hiya, Dad!

- Hiya, love!

- [Kerry] Hiya, Mum!

- Well, well?

- [Kerry] Oh, is that Uncle Barry?

- Yes!

Just tell us what's happening with the traffic!

- [Kerry] The traffic?

- Right.

- [Barry] What are you doing?

- I don't know whether you noticed, Barry,

but there's 101 things in here

that I've got to do before I die.

And sitting on the A56 for four hours

on a Saturday morning is not one of them.

- Sorry, pal.

- They're all a bit temperamental

once they get caged in, women.

Let's never hear another word of it.

- She's got a bloody point though, ain't she?

- [Kerry] Is everything okay, Dad?

- Sue!

Sue, love!

You all right?

- I will be, when I get home.

- I should have told them to go on their own.

We said we wouldn't go with them again, last time.

- I know, love.

I don't know how you kept it together in there.

- I don't know how you did, either.

(laughs)

- Come on, chick!

- Shall we go to the pictures?

- There's nothing on, is there?

- All right, uh, do you fancy a walk in the park?

- Oof, too full.

- Shall we nip up to Tesco's then,

and get some food in for this afternoon?

- Actually, I'm seeing Dan for a pint this afternoon.

- Oh, right.

You never mentioned.

- Since when did I have to?

- Have to, have to what?

- Mention.

- Sorry!

Didn't mean to assume anything.

- No, I'm sorry.

You're right, I should have mentioned.

- What do you fancy doing, then, now?

- Listen, don't take this the wrong way,

but I think I fancy going back to mine,

just on me own for a bit.

I've got stuff to do, you know,

shit to sort out.

- Yeah.

Yeah, cool, whatever you fancy.

- I'll bell you.

- Bell me?

Yeah, anytime.

Nice.

- Hey, I've had an idea.

- Hang on a minute, that's what you said last week,

when you suggested we went out for the day

with Terry and Margaret.

- That wasn't an idea, that was a bout of temporary madness.

But seriously, why don't we go on holiday?

- A holiday?

That's a smashing idea.

I could just about manage a couple of nights

in the chuck wagon after that fiasco.

- No, no, not the chuck wagon.

- Now this, Mr. H, I like the sound of.

Couple of nights at the Grosvenor, then?

- Not that, either, I was thinking more Spain.

- Spain!

What with your phobias?

- I don't care.

They can't be as bad as me latest one,

which is a fear of being stuck in a car

with just a beef paste sarnie

and a demented sister-in-law for company.

Look, you said it yourself, before.

Think about it.

One day soon, we'll be gone.

One day soon, all this will be finished.

One day soon, we won't even be able to go to Bognor Regis,

never mind bloody Spain.

- One day soon, we'll end up like Terry and Margaret.

- Easy tiger.

I mean, you keep mentioning about seeing Pam.

- True!

One day.

- Well, one day when?

One day when we're 90?

Or one day now?

- Are you really serious?

- Watch.

Stick with me, Genevieve, Sir Lancelot will save you.

(soft rock music)

Ledgers Travel, Timperley Village, please.

As quick as you can, pal.

- [Lisa] How much of a row?

- I don't know if row's the right word.

It just, it felt strange.

Like dodgy.

How dodgy?

- Like we've been married for five years.

- But you have been married for five years.

- But we've been split up nearly one.

- Moody.

- I hope you gave him a bollocking.

- No, no, I didn't.

Well, I didn't have to.

I think he knew he was in the wrong, he felt bad.

- Well, what was she doing that was so weird?

- Trying to tell me what to order.

- She's a woman, mate, that's the norm, isn't it?

- Is it though?

Does it really have to be?

- I think he was just tired.

- Yeah, that'll be it.

- He had every reason to be, actually.

- Oh, don't tell me, you didn't stop.

- All night.

- Well, things can't be that dire

if you've had another shagathon.

- After we shagged--

- Whoa, are you sure you should be telling me this?

- You asked me how things are, didn't you?

- Go on.

- It felt flat.

- Flat? A flat shag?

- Not the shag, me.

Flat in me head.

She's the best shag of my life, mate, and she knows it.

It's just me.

I'm not ready.

- I think I might want him to move back in again.

- Really?

That's a bit drastic.

- Maybe I might just ask him, outright.

Maybe that's why he's been acting strange

because he couldn't be bothered dissecting everything.

He's crap at talking, he always has been.

- You need to tell her what you're thinking, mate.

Call her up and ask her out or something,

tell her you need to talk.

- Talk?

- Just call him up, ask him out,

and tell him you need to talk.

- Shall I?

- [Lisa] Yes!

- It's only me.

Hello, ladies!

How's he been?

- Good as gold.

- Well, Mr. Flossy Pops, have you done your duty?

- Yes, mother.

Next to the canal at lunchtime,

and before you ask, Dan took a carrier bag.

- Great, that'll be good practice for him.

- Practice?

- For when we ask you to mind him for a little bit longer.

- What?

- Me and your father have got some news.

We're all going on a summer holiday

No more working for a week or two

- How fantastic.

- Hello, girls.

- A holiday!

- Yeah, you know, one of those things where you go

and you don't do anything for two weeks.

And there's sunshine and sangria.

- There's something else

beginning with S as well, apparently.

- What, sand?

- That's the one! (laughs)

- Two weeks?

- We're going on Monday.

- As in this Monday?

As in, in two days' time Monday?

- Your father's treated me.

Haven't you, love?

- I have.

- Aw, that's lovely, Barry.

Isn't that lovely, Lisa?

- Yeah, it's lovely.

It's brilliant.

- Where are you going?

This year we're off to sunny Spain

- Spain?

A viva l'Espana

We're catching the Costa Brava plane

A viva l'Espana

This year we're off to sunny Spain

(gentle music)

- Hi.

- [Bianca] Hello.

- Oh, you had a game?

- Last night, scored a screamer, top corner.

- Good lad.

How are you?

- Smashing, cock.

- Can I give you a hand?

- No, ta.

- Bianca, I am sorry about the other day.

It was a bit stupid of me just to walk off like that.

- Rude, Chris, not stupid.

But don't worry, I understand why you did it.

- Sometimes I act before I think

and it gets me into trouble.

- Jim used to say I was too nice to people,

gave people the benefit of the doubt too quickly.

- I just wasn't expecting to see her

and it kinda took me by surprise.

- I'm not daft.

I know I'm the last person you want

your ex-wife's best friend to see you with.

- It's not that.

It's not that at all.

- You don't have to worry about my feelings, Chris.

I'm quite hard, you know, underneath all this.

I've had to be.

- Bianca, I am really sorry.

- It's just a shame, that's all.

I didn't have you down as being rude.

I thought we were becoming friends,

but friends don't treat one another like that,

not where I come from.

So maybe not.

Sorry.

- Bianca!

- Bye, cock.

(groans)

- Are you lost, love?

- Looking for John Barristock.

- He's at Steermans, isn't he?

- Yeah.

- I think they've moved, love, hang on a minute.

She might know in here.

Oi, love, do you know where Steermans has moved to?

- Yeah, it's up...

Greg?

- What the fuck are you doing here?

- I could ask you the same question.

You stalking me?

- (scoffs) I don't think so, love.

Do you work here?

- Look, I'm a bit busy, Greg, sorry.

What do you want?

I'm assuming you want something.

- Not from you, no.

Steermans?

- It's 'round that way.

- Right, thanks.

Bye then.

- Bye.

(soft rock music)

- And remember, if he misses me, he can always sleep

with one of my gardening fleeces.

- Aw, cheers, Sue, but I'll be fine with me duvet,

thanks very much.

- I think she was talking about Alan.

- I think he's winding you up.

- He won't even know you've gone, not with me around.

- Oh, do you need me to call you on Friday

to remind you about the tulips?

- I need you to call me a lot sooner than that.

Can I sleep with one of your gardening fleeces, Mum?

- Hey, hey, hey, Poppet.

It's only for a couple of weeks.

- Only?

- Come on, you'll be late for work.

- Work can shove it.

This is life, Dan.

This is family.

- Come on, flower, it's time.

- Bye, kids.

- Bye, Sue.

- Can you get us some perfume?

- [Barry] Of course, love.

- Or a nice necklace, or something sparkly?

- You'll get loads of pressies, don't worry.

- Come on.

(somber piano music)

(knocking)

- Can I come in?

- I'm busy.

What are they for?

- They're a thank you for being such a lovely new neighbor.

And a sorry for being so rude the other day.

And a please can I come in and have a cup of tea?

And a not to worry if you can't be bothered to make one

because I've been such a stupid berk.

- Okay, yes, it's 77 Woodland Road, Gorse Hill.

Gorse Hill.

Um, G for Golf.

O for Oscar.

R is for--

- Romeo.

- R for Romeo and S for sausages and E for elephant.

And hill is for hill!

- [Lisa] Denise!

- Thank you, bye.

- Tonight's the night.

- Did you phone him?

- Putty in me hands, we're going for dinner.

- Oh, that's fantastic.

- Did you know about this?

- What?

- John Walker is being headhunted by city people.

- You're kidding!

- Do I look like I'm kidding?

- Pot of coffee, Denise.

- Strong.

- Did you see that?

- It is a crisis.

You know neither of them are any good in one.

- Um, don't make excuses for them.

Give people a bit of power and it turns them into monsters.

It's like me nana used to say,

"We should treat each other as equals,

"no matter where you get to in life.

"At the end of the day, we all look the same

"when we're sitting on the toilet."

- Are you all right?

- Yes.

- No, I mean, are you really all right?

You seem a bit vacant today.

- It's that letter, the one I told you about.

- From the solicitors?

- I've been thinking maybe I should open it.

- You've still not opened it?

- No.

I daren't.

I'm scared.

- Oh, love, why didn't say?

- I don't know, I'm sorry.

- You don't need to be sorry.

Listen, how about I open it for you?

Would that help?

Come on.

- [Bianca] How old is she?

- 17.

- And your son?

- 14.

He took it the worst.

- Did he?

- Yeah, I thought he'd be a man about it all.

He thinks he's the man about everything else.

- Are they coming to stay then?

- Soon, hopefully.

They're still very angry.

- Time helps.

It really does.

- Yeah, I suppose so.

- You're scarred, aren't you, cock?

- Scarred?

Yeah, you could say that.

- I mean, it must've been a bit messy

when it went wrong with your ex-wife.

- It was definitely messy.

- Don't feel like you have to talk about it.

- I don't.

- It does help to get things out in the open sometimes.

- I don't feel I have to talk about it, I meant.

And now you're thinking I can't express myself

or show any true feelings.

- I don't think that.

It's fine.

Really, it's okay.

- Thank you, Bianca.

- Thanks to you, more like.

- What for?

- Helping me with all this lot.

- Ah, it's a pleasure.

Friends?

- Friends.

- Every weekend?

- Well, they have to kick it off somewhere

if you're serious about seeing him.

- But I don't want him to see him.

How many more times have I got to say this?

Does no one understand the English language anymore?

- Maybe you need a few moments

just to take it all in properly.

- think he should see him, don't you?

- He's his dad, love.

He's not gonna hurt him or take him away from you

or interfere with the brilliant job you're doing.

He just wants to see him.

That's all.

- You do, don't you?

You think he should see him.

- Maybe I do, love, yeah.

- Every weekend.

Over my dead body.

(soft rock music)

(phone rings)

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- I, um-- - So I, oh.

- Go on, you first.

- No, go on, you go.

It's just on me mind.

- What is?

- How we play this.

- Play it?

- Us.

- I wasn't aware that it was a game.

- I don't mean it like that.

- Well, what do you mean?

- Shell, I've loved it, you and me,

just getting it back on and that.

- There's a but here, isn't there?

- Yeah, there is.

Nothing's changed, has it?

- You're trying to push me away, aren't you?

What's wrong with me?

Is there something wrong with me?

- There's nothing wrong with you.

- Then what?

What's the matter?

- I think it's me that's got the problem.

- Oh, you are not seriously gonna come out

with that little chestnut, are you?

- Am I fuck!

- Then what?

What's the, what's the matter?

I thought you wanted this.

- Exactly.

You thought.

That's just you, isn't it, Shelley?

Whatever you think goes, doesn't it?

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

It doesn't matter how I feel.

You thought I wanted no bits in me orange.

You thought I didn't want coffee.

You can't see it, can you?

You've not changed a bit and I have.

- So you're dumping me?

- I'm not dumping you.

I just think we should cool it for a bit.

- You brought me all the way here to tell me that?

- I just wanted to talk it through.

- Yeah, yeah, so did I.

- Shell?

Shell?

(soft rock music)

- Bloody hell, do I need this!

- Oh, bad day?

- Eventful.

Mum and Dad have gone away, Denise isn't talking to me,

and work was just, you know, the usual, rubbish.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

How did it go?

How's you and Bryan?

There is no more me and Bryan.

- Oh, love, I'm so sorry.

- I can't do it.

I just can't trust him anymore.

I mean, would you?

Be honest.

- Me and Dan fell out once over someone else.

- Dan?

- It was me.

I was just a bit stupid.

But he forgave me.

In the end.

- We're all different.

- So you've made your mind up?

- Solicitors on Monday.

- Oh, love, I'm so sorry.

- Listen.

Me and Bry had this holiday booked for ages.

Flights, gorgeous little flat on the Costa del Sol.

I think you and Dan should go instead.

- What?

- I can just get the names changed.

- I can't do that.

- Yeah, you can.

- I can't!

- He paid for it all.

He messed up my life.

I get a bit of revenge, you and Dan get fun in the sun.

Think about it.

- Bloody hell, Kim! (phone rings)

- Oh, sorry.

Hi.

Give me...

Just give me a sec, the signal's rubbish.

Sorry.

I said I'd call you.

It's fine.

I said it's fine.

("Mr. Brightside" by The Killers)

Coming out of my cage

And I've been doing just fine

Gotta gotta be down because I want it all

It started out with a kiss

How did it end up like this

It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep

And she's calling a cab

While he's having a smoke

And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed

And my stomach is sick

And it's all in my head

But she's touching his chest now

He takes off her dress now

Let me go

And I just can't look, it's killing me

And taking control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea

Swimming through sick lullabies

Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay

Destiny is calling me

Open up

(jazzy theme music)