All language subtitles for Modern.Family.S11E12.Dead.on.a.Rival.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb-eng

Question.
I need to hire an assistant.

Do you think
it would be unethical

to hire the second
most qualified candidate?

What's wrong with
the most qualified?

Well...

And after graduating
Stanford engineering,

I was offered
a Rhodes Scholarship.

Do you have any questions
for me?

I definitely have to carve out
some extra time for giggling.

You can't discriminate
against the poor guy

just because
he's a smoke show.

I've been battling hot-shaming
my entire life.

Please don't say
"hot lives matter."

Hey, Grandpa.
What's up?

Returning this
to your mom.

Who's the beefcake?

Oh --

I need to hire
an assistant,

and this gentleman is
currently the frontrunner.

Does he get
a normal paycheck,

or are you just gonna stuff ones
down his G-string?

I do have some trepidation
about the optics.

Well, you should.
These are sensitive times.

Perception is everything.

I didn't care
about any of that crap.

I don't have enough work
for my assistant, Margaret.

Been with me 40 years.

I can't just put her
out to pasture

like some worn-out plow horse.

The old broad deserves
a little respect.

No offense, Grandpa,
but I need someone

who can hit the ground
running.

Margaret's more someone
who would hit a pedestrian

and not even realize it.

Just because
she's no Christie Brinkley,

who, by the way,
is a year older than Margaret,

doesn't mean we throw her
on the scrap heap.

Well, she'd have to start
tomorrow.

Is she okay
working on a Saturday?

That's the advantage
of hiring somebody

with a few miles on her --

by 6:00 a.m., she will have had
two soft-boiled eggs

and be raring to go.

-- Captions by VITAC --

Cam, come on, let's go.

No, hold on just a second.
I need to finish this.

Please tell me this isn't
another letter-writing campaign.

They're not going to
rename our street.

Okay, Mary Kay Place
would be

a very fun tribute
to an American treasure,

but, no, that's not
what this is.

Cam, come on.
I want to go.

The store opens
in a half-hour, okay?

You know I get all
my pants for the entire
year at this sale,

and 32 is a very,
very common pant size.

It'd be great
if we could go a day

without you mentioning
your 32-inch waist size.

No, this is urgent.

Señor Kaplan cut my
"Wind Beneath My Wings" number

at the faculty follies
"for time."

So I'm turning him in
to the IRS

for deducting
his breakfast burritos.

You're wasting your life
with these rivalries.

There is a guy at work who
always eats my peanut butter,

but I just let it go
because life's too short

and so is he,
and maybe the peanut butter

is just his creamy substitute
for human affection.

Okay? Can we go?
Could we please go?

Yes.
Thank you.

Oh!Ah!Oh, my gosh.

I'm s-- Uh...
C-Can we help you?

Name's Murray Clark.

I grew up in this house.

Oh! Hi!Oh!

Well, my name is Cameron.
This is my husband, Mitchell.

Well, that's funny.

Okay.

Uh, so, we were
just about to leave.

See,
I get all my pants --

I haven't seen this house
since I went off to war.

Oh, and you'd like
to come in

and take a look around
a little bit?

No, nothing like that.

I just came here
to die.

Uh, excuse me?
I'm sorry?

Oh, it's nothing sad.
I'll just be a minute.

Actually, could I get
a juice first?

Oh, of course.

Why not?
Sure, yeah.

What are you doing?
Being a gracious host.

To a stranger
who wants to die here?

Oh, come on, Mitchell,
nothing's going to happen.

It's just a cry for help.

Okay, if I can't get a pair of
slim-cut chinos in French Blue,

you're gonna die here.

Marvin? Milton?
No, it's Murray.

Murray? Murray!
Murray!

Oh, my God.
Did he actually die?

Calm down!
I'm -- I'm first aid certified!

Murray?

Murray!!

Who taught you first aid,
a nanny on death row?

Wake up!
Damn it!

Oh!
I flew coach
all the way from Florida

to die in this house,
and you ruined it!

Oh, my God.
That's insane.

You knew you were going to die
and you flew coach?

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm trying
to spruce up my résumé.

This job hunt
is killing me.

I'm sorry, Mom,
but if those companies

aren't smart enough
to hire you,

you don't want to work
with them anyway.

That's what I used to
tell Alex about boys.

Just don't jump
at the first offer.

That's what I used to
tell you about boys.

He's here! He's here!!

Today, our old neighbor-
turned-tech-titan,

Kenneth, is coming to visit.

And he says he has
a "big surprise" for me.

I don't know if the super rich
have access to time travel,

but if they do,
I'm going back to the '90s.

Ooh, to buy a whole bunch
of Amazon stock?

No!

I'm going to tell Felicity
not to cut her hair.

Yeah!

Hi.

Okay.

Haley, get in here!
Nah, I'm good.

We're not letting go
of each other until
you get in here.

Haley,
get in the hug!

Oh!

Oh,
this feels so good!

Sure, but who needs hugs
when you can...

man-shake!
Man-shake!

Uh-oh. You're gonna want to
give them some space for this.

Mm, mm, mm.Mm, mm, mm.

Pew!Pew!

Ooh, what are
the cameras for?

Huh? Oh!

This is for a documentary
about tech visionaries

going back to thank the people
who inspired them.

Elon Musk got his math teacher
an island.

What am I getting?

Assuming it's...me.

Well,
are the cameras rolling?
Man: Yes.

What is the one thing

that we've always dreamed
of doing together?

Going to college in New York
with Felicity?

No.

This man right here,

he taught me
to always dream big

and reach for the stars.

And as a thank-you,
Phil,

would you make me
the happiest man on Earth

and leave Earth
with me?

W-W-What?!

I just got us two tickets
on the next Russian flight

to the International
Space Station!

This is the most amazing thing
that's ever happened to me!

Except of -- of course,

...winning two non-consecutive
Realtor of the Year Awards.

I'm -- I'm going to cry.

Uh, don't cry yet. I'm so sorry.
We had a sound issue.

Can we do all that
again?

Yeah! Should we take it
back to the hug?

So, tickets for my show today
are at will call.

And good news --
I was able to get you comps.

I'm sure it'll cost me
in other ways.

It's from Dad.
"I'm almost there."

If "almost there" was a place,
Javier would be the mayor.

Please stop taking pot shots
at his expense.

Pot shots
are the only thing

that we can take
at his expense.

I mean it, Mom.
You've even poisoned Joe.

You mean
with her cooking?

Hey, we're only making fun
of Javier!

No, we're not.

Promise me.
Okay, fine, I promise.

If my good-natured ribbing
is making you uncomfortable,

I will refrain.

I've got her
on Word a Day cards.

We'll see
how long it holds.

Hola, Gloria.

Oh, Javier, h--
Eeeee.

Gloria: Nice teeth.

Did you get them at the dentist
or at the piano store?

I haven't seen anything
so white and square

since the Mormons
knocked on my door.

And those were
just off the top of my head,

but I promised Manny,
so -- Pbht!

Nice to see you.
Come in.

Manny: Hey, Dad!
There's my boy!

Whee!

Someone has been wearing
my custom-made cologne --

Javier!

For the man who wants to smell
a little bit like a woman.

Thanks for coming
to my show, Dad.

Of course.
I wouldn't miss it.

But, hey, that is not
the only reason I am in town.

I, um...
I have a proposition --

something for you
to chew on.

Couldn't you chew on it for us

with your giant,
new beaver mouth?

I don't know why
I made that stupid promise.

I am on fire!

I was in a high-stakes poker
game with a King-high Flush.

So I bet my house.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're not living
in Manny's room.

I won a year-long cruise
around the world.

I want you to set sail with me
for the entire voyage!

What?!
Absolutely not.

I should ask my gal
at Nordstrom

to pull some cruise looks
for me.

Look at him,
he's chomping at the bit.

Stop setting me up!

Here you go. A cup of joe,
the old-fashioned way.

Oh, thanks, Margaret.
Mm-hmm.

Mnh!

Oh, God.
I-Is there bourbon in this?

When you asked for coffee,

didn't you give me
a "wink-wink"?

No. It's the morning.

Well, that's why
there's coffee in it.

Could you just make me
a lunch reservation, please?

Oh. No problem.

What's that thing?

Oh, these are
all the great restaurants

that Jay used to go to.

Oh. Do you like
Steak Diane?

It took her 12 tries to find
a place that had a salad.

Uh, w-what are you doing?

Oh, I was just
getting the couch ready

for your afternoon
"meeting."

Why are you saying "meeting"
like it's not really a meeting?

Just so you know,

when I say something,
that's exactly what I mean.

Also, when you called me
from your car,

I couldn't really
understand you.

You may want to fix
your Bluetooth.

Oh. You noticed?

The nerve died
a few years ago.

But if it bothers you,
I'll have it yanked.

So, Manny,
what is your show about?

Will there be pirates
and tasteful nudity?

It'll be different
from my last one.

This is a one-man play

in which I portray
four characters in a café

from different walks
of life.

When the Internet
goes out,

they're forced
to talk to each other.

I call it "Who, What,
When, Where, Wi-Fi."

I'd throw in a pirate.

I should go
get into characters.

Manny's not going
on that trip.

I know what an adventure
with you means.

Seedy bars, con men,

souvenir pens
that when you flip them,

the lady's clothes
come off.

If my son wants
to spend some time with me,

he should be able to.

Jay...back me up.

He's not gonna
back you up.

Gloria, let Manny go
on the trip. He'll be fine.

He's been 40
since he was 10.

And he's been 10
for 40 years.

It's not happening.

Look, I understand
your concern,

but I want to bond with Manny
before it's too late.

I think I'm having
a mid-life crisis.

You probably didn't notice,
but I got veneers.

Oh, that's what that is!

Please don't die
in our house.

What the hell
do you care?

For starters, if we ever want
to sell this place,

we'll have to disclose
that someone died here.

Why?
The last owners didn't.

For the millionth time,
I moved that chair.

My wife passed years ago.
I don't have any other family.

I just want to close my eyes
and drift off.

There are lots of reasons
to want to continue to live.

I know you miss
your missus,

but living alone
is underrated.

For one, you can have
whatever you want for dinner.

Huh.
Two, you can move the couch
wherever you'd like.

It's been 10 years.

Where -- Where would
the couch look better?

I appreciate what you think
passes for support.

I'm just not interested.

I think you need
a more positive outlook on life.

Our neighbor Herschel,
he's about your age.

Herschel Braverman?
Yeah.

We grew up together.
We love Herschel!

We -- We bring him
a corned beef sandwich
every time we go to the deli.

Yeah, see?
There's something to live for.

Yeah.
You should go reunite
with your old friend.

Right now.
Okay, you know what?

Don't be rude.
We'll walk him over.

He's just in a hurry
to get to a pants sale

that started
30 minutes ago.

What are you, a 32?

I am.

All the good stuff's
already gone.

If you guys want to keep up
with the Russians,

you're gonna have to train.
Oh.

I'll get the vodka!

If I could build a fembot
with lifelike skin,

it would be
just like her.

Did you get a weird vibe
from Claire?

No, she seemed super positive
and supportive.

That's exactly what I mean.

Oh, while I'm here, I'm gonna
see if we have any Tang!

I don't want to go to space,
Claire! I'm terrified!

What happens if I break
something and we can't breathe?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I can't breathe right now.

Honey, calm down! The Russians
know what they're doing!

I'm going to die up there!

Just tell him
you don't want to go.

This is such an amazing gift,
it'll crush him.

Plus, I'll look like a coward
in that documentary.

You're right, we don't want
to see this on film.

I'm taping over it
already in my mind.

You've gotta shut this down.
What?!

Help me, Claire.
You're my only hope.

Fine.

But if I do this,
you're not allowed

to quote "Star Wars"
to me anymore.

I love you.
I know.

Hey...Kenneth.

I was just talking to
Buzz-kill Aldrin over here --

Claire, I-I hope
you don't mind terribly,

but I was just taking a peek
at your résumé.

It is very impressive.

Have you landed anywhere?

Uh, not yet, no.

You know, speaking of landings,
unfortunately --
Wow, really?

Well, we should talk
about a really interesting
job opportunity

that just opened up
at my company.

I would love that.

I'm looking for a bold candidate
who loves to take chances.

No, you are looking
at a bold candidate

who loves
to take chances.

I know, but, still, um,
Claire has --

Claire has
some concerns.

If I'm working for you,
do I still get hugs?

No,
not in this climate.
Oh.

Best I can offer
is a wo-man shake!

Ha! What?

Uh, uh, pew!

Whoa!
What?

Wow,
you are a quick study.
How am I doing this?!

Remember, shred this,
don't fax it.

Hey, honey.
Hi, Jay.
Grandpa.

Cup of coffee, Margaret?

Grandpa, what are you
doing here?

A terrible thing happened today
at Manny's one-man show --

he got me a ticket.

No, I just stopped in to see
how Margaret's working out.

She's not.

As much as I enjoyed
her pairing

the glass of Chablis with
my surprise shrimp cocktail,

that's not a skill I need
in an assistant.

You have to fire her.

I can't. She worked for me
her whole life.

She slept on the sidewalk
to get me Nancy Sinatra tickets.

Fine. I'll do it.

Margaret, could you
come in here, please?

This is the second thing today
I can't watch.

I did everything I could
for you.

She's a cold one.

What's going on here?

Am I fired?

I'm afraid so.

Oh, thank God!

I've been wanting to retire
for years now,

but I could never
let Jay down.

I just want to sleep,
tend my cannabis garden,

and never work again.

Margaret, I want you back
at Dog Beds.

Oh, whatever you say, Jay.

See you tomorrow.

No!

Grandpa,
Margaret wants to retire.

It's not what I want.
It's what Jay needs.

Ugh, what is wrong
with you two?

You don't need
an assistant,

and she doesn't want
to work anymore.

Is this true? Do you really
want to hang it up?

There are some things
I wouldn't mind trying.

Well, then you should do it.
I'll manage.

It's going to be weird,
though.

I mean, you're the longest
relationship I've ever had.

Four husbands,
three heart attacks,

countless lovers,

and you stood by me
through it all.

I love you, Jay.

I love you, too,
Margaret.

It's been a great run.

And we'll always have
Mitchell.

What?!

She's messing with you.

No, our kid moved away
a long time ago.

Hey, forget
what I told you earlier.

It's okay
to hire the hot one.

You may make a friend
for life.

Hey, fellas!

Hey, Herschel!

You bring me a sandwich?

Oh, no, we didn't go
to the deli today.

Eh...
No, no, no!
Wait, wait, wait!

But how about a trip
down memory lane instead?

Eh...

W-Wait, wait, wait.

Herschel, look,
we have your old friend

Murray Clark!
Clark!

Well, what do you know?

Hello, Hersch.

It's been a lifetime.

Don't give me that,
you smug sonuvabitch.

What --
W-What's happening?

This bastard told our football
coach I was a communist.

Got me kicked off
the team.

I could've gone pro!

I only did that 'cause
he stole my paper route!

I had to deliver ice
to support my family.

Deliver ice?
How old are you guys?

You're a snake!
You're a rat!

He stole my girl
when I went to war,

and he stayed home
with a fake limp.

You should be grateful!

That woman
gave me the clap!

That was a little gift
from me!

Eh!

Murray,
what the heck was that?

Just the beginning.

The beg--
the beginning?

Oh -- Murray.
Uh, what are you doing, buddy?

Nobody talks to me
like that.

Oh.

Fine.

I'm taking it.

And when I get home,
I'm going to sign him up

for a bunch
of those fringe religions.

Let's see how he likes getting
all those singing visitors

and all those free Bibles.

I'm going to ruin
the rest of his life.

See, Mitchell, he's
making plans for the future.

That's why you have rivals.
It's something to live for.

Okay, you're just justifying
bad behavior.

Okay, Murray, Mitchell has
somebody at work that keeps
stealing his peanut butter,

and he won't do anything
about it.

You want to stop it?
Try mixing in some laxatives.

And then put
an "under construction" sign

on the bathroom door.

And if you really want
to ruin his day --

Okay, now, hold on, hold on.
Let me write these down.

Alright.
You call his wife...

Hey, the Wi-Fi's out.

Huge bummer, man.

I was just about to finish
writing my poem.

You're a writer, too? Well,
knock me over with a feather.

Blaine Lemarque, playwright.

Power used to go out
all the time in the bayou.

So crazy,
I'm writing a movie

set in the bayou
called "Swamp Cops."

I'm in film school, but soon,
everyone's gonna know my name --

Keith Fank!

I couldn't help overhearing.

I'm Rhonda Jamowitz, gossip
columnist for the local rag.

You'll never guess which starlet
was in here yesterday

with a new man and a newer nose.

I was hoping that the play
was gonna get better.

With maybe a little less Rhonda.

I know I'm going on and on,

but for the first time
since Mother passed,

I don't feel alone.

Brilliant.

I don't miss the nudity
at all.

We're so worried
about staying connected,

ignoring the walls
that are being erected.

We let the information
confound us,

when there's so much love
swirling around us,

that all we need to do is --

Wi-Fi's back on!

I blame myself.

"You got an A?
Have a hat."

"You skinned your knee?
Have a hat."

Sorry for making you guys wait.

It took me a little longer
than I thought

to find my way back
to Manny.

Bravo, bravo!

Another triumph, eh?

Thanks.

You know, I really think
I have something here.

Maybe instead of going
on that cruise,

I should stay home
and work on --

You are going
on that cruise!

It's gonna be good
for you.

it's so important
for your father.

He planned
a whole adventure!

We'll drink tequila
in Honduras.

We'll swim with the dolphins
in Bali.

But when we travel
through the Panama Canal,

we'll be required to do
some light housekeeping.

It's part of the deal.

Okay, then.

I'll just go grab my stuff

and take some selfies
with my fan.

Gloria, dime --

why are you suddenly
so on board with this trip?

I've sheltered him
for too long.

He needs something real
that he can write about.

Take him
to the seediest bars,

introduce him to con men.

Let him taste danger.

But not shrimp, because
it makes his eyelid feel funny.

No, señor!

The cycle ends here!

Really? You just sold me out
for a job?

Honey,
he wants a risk-taker.

How's it going to look
if I squash your boys' trip?

Boys' trip?!
We're leaving the planet!

You know the scariest part
of a roller coaster?

It's a month of that!

Dad, you don't want
to go to space?

No, I do.

I-I just -- I worry

that it might be
too traumatic for you --

Oh, no, it'll be fun
to tell the kids

their Pop-Pop
is an astronaut.

Pop-Pop might be
the last sound I make.

Claire, if it's not
too much trouble,

would you please, um, pick out
a family photo for me to clutch

after my tether snaps

and I tumble
endlessly through the void?

It is much more likely

that you will just incinerate
upon re-entry.

You guys talking
about space?

Yeah.

Um...look, buddy,

I appreciate all this,
but I don't want to go.

What?

I'm sorry.
I'm just so scared.

But y-you're my rock.

I-I can't --
I can't do this without you.

I'm your rock?

What did I get us into?

I didn't even want
to go.

I just wanted to look cool
in front of Bezos

and Elon
and Zuck-Zuck.

That's the reason
why you're going?

I'm sorry, but launching
white dudes into space

hasn't been cool
for years.

But the cameras.

How am I
going to get out of this?

Well, if you're trying
to look cool,

just throw
some splashy event

and auction off the space trip
to charity.

That could work.

What kind of charity?

Wolves are hot
right now.

I love that.

I'm going to save
the wolves!

We're saving them, right?
Yeah.

I like the way
you think outside the box.

I may have a really interesting
job opportunity for you.

Haley, we could be
working together!

No, it's really
just the one job.

And, Phil, while it's not
a trip to space,

I hope that the
Phil Dunphy Center for Wolves

will be a fitting honor
for the man who changed my life.

We'll have
a big opening ceremony.

You'll meet
all the wolves!

Now let's go do this again
in front of the cameras!

I'm terrified of wolves!

Oh, good, you're here.

Manny's about to model
his new cruise wear for me.

This should be good.

Jay, don't make him
self-conscious.

Promise
you're going to be nice.

Very smart.

Thanks, Mom.

Jay, what do you think?

Hey, El Capitán Kangaroo.

What are you,
the Untalented Mr. Ripley?

You should be directing traffic
in the Bahamas.

Tennille called --

D-Did I do that one yet?

Anyway, she thinks
you look like the kid

in an '80s movie
we're supposed to hate.

You look amazing.

Amazing-ly like the last Kennedy
picked in a touch football game.

These are too good.
I gotta tell him.

Manny, put the outfit back on!