Original subtitles

Okay, let's see.

Worst Valentine's Day ever.

1976, wife just dumped me, dinner with mom at the home, bad Swedish meatball,

rushed to the emergency room, orderly stole my wallet, beat that.

Jeez, you forget who you're talking to.

Okay, um... By myself, Natch.

bawling my eyes out, a given, shivering in the bushes outside of

the house of the only woman I ever loved, watching her being proposed to by

another man while a raccoon relieves himself on my shoe.

I should have known better.

So, what are you planning this year?

That is what I'm planning this year.

Excuse me, Roy. I know this is last minute, but do you have any Valentine

plans? Oh, wow.

That blows me right out of the water.

Oh, Cochran, Cochran, I'm flattered.

But we've been working together a long time. If it was going to happen, it

would have happened.

Oh, no, no, Roy. There's a flea market in Hangar 4. I want you to help me sell

all the old stuff that belonged to my three late husbands.

That's a nice cover, Cochran, but forget it.

However, feel free to get your jollies as I walk away.

What about you, Antonio?

Are you interested?

You're finally getting rid of all of your husband's things?

Well, it's just sitting there in my spare bedroom collecting dust.

Somebody might as well get some youth out of it.

And if I can turn a fast buck, who gets hurt?

I don't know, Faith.

Something doesn't feel right about this.

I don't know what it is.

I'll give you 10% of the take.

That's what it is.

This is very nice.

Who are you going to give them to?

No, I'm not giving.

I'm receiving.

Seems I have a secret admirer.

Who?

Well, if I knew, it wouldn't be a secret. Oh, I get it.

Self-send, huh?

I have no idea what you're talking about. Come on, Casey. It's almost

Valentine's Day. I haven't seen a man within 100 yards of you for a year.

Suddenly you get a bunch of red roses.

Come on, admit it.

You popped for the posies, didn't you?

Uncle Roy.

Besides, who are you to judge me? You're a lung, too.

At least I don't parade my Valentine's misery in front of others.

I have the self-respect to hide in my room, weeping in my torn underwear,

eating can after can of Dinty Moore beef stew.

Why is it so hard for us to meet people?

I don't know. Because we're single.

People usually find you're more attractive if they know you're with

somebody. Wait a minute.

Brian, how would you like to have Valentine's dinner with me?

Look, Casey, I haven't had a lot of sex myself, and if you're going to be my

only option, then I'd rather do a self-send.

First of all... Don't you get it? Okay, us being seen together in

public... will create the illusion that we're desirable.

Well, that's not bad.

So, in other words, we wouldn't actually be together. We'd just be using each

other as bait.

Exactly. What do you think?

What the hell? Things don't work out.

I've always got a can of Sterno and a six-pack of stew waiting for me at home.

You're right.

Hey, baby.

Hey. So, what do you have planned for us for Valentine's Day?

I thought we'd eat dinner at home and they'd watch a little TV.

Well, how is that different from any other night?

All right, I'll throw in a piece of chocolate.

What? Come on, you said you didn't want to do anything special for Valentine's

Day. And you didn't know what that meant?

Oh, no, we're not into one of those.

When I said I didn't want to do anything for Valentine's Day, that meant that you

were supposed to surprise me and do something special. Hold on, hold on. For

New Year's Eve, you said you didn't want to do anything special. That's right, I

did. Now, we didn't do anything special. No, we didn't. And you were happy. I was

thrilled.

But now you say you don't want to do anything special. We're not doing

anything special, and you're not happy. Exactly. See, New Year's Eve is an

everybody holiday.

Valentine's Day is an us holiday.

Did you hear the part about the chocolate?

Get it, Joe. Whatever you want to do is fine.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means dinner, Seinfeld, and a chunky bar.

Come on, Helen.

Everybody knows that guys don't make as big a deal out of Valentine's Day as

girls do.

Excuse me. I understand you all fly charters.

Yes, we do.

Great. I'm tomorrow's Valentine's Day, and I need you to fly over to the diner

where my girlfriend works with a banner that reads, Nancy, I love you. Will you

marry me?

Now, here's the guy that knows what romance is all about.

$250 for the flight, another $75 for the banner. Cash out front. We've got to be

back by 6 to go out to dinner.

This one wants a surprise.

I can't believe how you cleaned up at that flea market.

I know. If I knew what a gold mine I was sitting on, I would have unloaded the

Georgia's junk years ago.

Hey, Cochran.

I don't know whatever possessed you to part with a treasure like this.

Well, if you must know, I backed into it last week, and I don't intend to make

that mistake twice.

By the way, what exactly are you going to do with it? It's a Valentine's gift

for Mom.

It's just a thing to complete her trophy wall.

True, she didn't hit it with the Chrysler like all those other animals,

but I'll just slap some skid marks on it. She'll never know the difference.

Quite a bundle you got there, Faye.

George.

Is that you?

George, what are you doing here?

I'm your husband. Where else should I be?

In the ground where I put you in 1959.

What do you want?

At the moment, an ashtray.

Where's the one I got when we went to Niagara Falls?

Oh, no, this can't be happening. This is all in my imagination.

Faye, dear, have you seen my tweed hat?

George, don't you, too?

Who's this bozo? I happen to be her second husband, George.

Oh, that's it.

No more bacon cheeseburgers after ten o'clock.

Now, I need a glass of water. When I come back, you're both going to be gone.

Faye, dear.

Who's just go duck?

Thank God I died before that came into fashion.

Anyway, what do you want from me? What are you doing here?

I think you know why we're here, Faye. No, I don't. You shouldn't have done it,

Faye. Done what?

Shouldn't have sold our stuff.

You hurt us. Don't we mean anything to you?

Oh, of course you do. You three mean the world to me. I would never do anything

to hurt you.

Well, there's only one way you can prove it.

How? Get our stuff back.

That's impossible. It would take forever.

Hey, we're dead.

We've got forever.

Ryan, I've been looking for you.

So, have you given any thought to our Valentine's date?

Well, as a matter of fact, I have.

I thought we might start out with a couple of burgers from the club car.

followed by... nothing.

The club car?

Look, the whole point of this little charade is that we go to the kind of a

place where we'll meet somebody we'd actually want to be with.

That's why we're not going to the club car. We're going to Lexington, and you

are wearing a suit.

All right, okay, all right. I'll give you Lexington, okay?

But I'm wearing a sports coat and jeans, and you're paying.

wardrobe, but we go Dutch and you pick up parking. And for once in your life,

could you try and just show a little class?

Oh, sure. Okay, fine. This from the woman who just last week was waving in

the tuna boats with her hanky.

Hey, some of those fishermen make a very good living.

Antonio, I need your help. All that stuff I sold yesterday, we've got to

track it down and get it back.

Get it back?

Why? Why?

Never mind why. We just have to get it back, starting with what you bought.

Oh, okay, okay. You can have the foot powders and the bath salts, but you're

not getting your hands on those ointments.

The itching finally stopped.

Fine, fine.

Keep it. Just help me get the rest of the stuff.

I'll pay you 50 bucks.

All right, I'm in.

But how are we even going to find all this stuff?

What? I already posted flyers all over town, and I put an ad in the newspaper,

and here's a list of all the buyers whose names I could remember. And Roy,

I'll need the marlin back.

Oh, forget it, Cochran. Mom loves that fish.

It would break her heart to part with it.

I'll give you a hundred bucks. Deal.

But I am not going to pry it out of her bony little hand. Uh-uh. Okay, Antonio,

that's your first stop.

Hey, uh, little tip, Scarpacci.

Try not to confuse the marlin with Mom's roommate.

They're both blue and scaly, but the fish occasionally moves.

Okay, Mr. Green, we flew that banner over the diner three times. Any more,

it's going to run you extra. No, I don't care what it costs. I just want to see

that look on my Nancy's face.

I bet she's looking up at the banner right now.

Will you marry me? My heart must be racing. I know mine would.

I'd just die if anybody did something this romantic for me.

I just hope she's made a stronger stuff than you are.

He's not like us. He's not a Valentine's person.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I was going to save this for the right time, but... Here's your chunky.

I can't take this. This waiting is killing me.

Well, I want to hear her answer, too. Joe, let's call her.

Here, here, here's her number.

All right.

Logan, this is Nevada 121, Papa Papa. I need you to make a call for me and patch

it through to the plane. Over.

Don't you worry, Russell. In a few minutes, you two are going to be

planning your wedding. I've got it all planned. We're going to say our vows on

a cliff overlooking the ocean at sunset. And when we kiss, they'll release a

hundred white dust.

A hundred white dust.

That's the most beautiful thing. Did you hear that, Joe?

Do you think you'd ever do something that romantic for me?

Doves? You want doves?

You finish that chunky first, then we'll talk doves.

Nevada, one, two, one. Papa, Papa, this is Logan. I've got your call. Go ahead.

There's the lucky girl.

Hello? Yeah, uh, Nancy, darling, did you look outside?

What?

Up in the sky! The banner! The banner!

Sorry.

Oh, my God.

Well, so, what do you say, sweetheart? Will you be mine?

Who the hell is this?

It's Russell, you silly.

Who?

Russell.

The greenie.

You know, from the diner. Oh, God. The creepy guy who sits in the corner all

day staring at me?

Yes.

Well, so what do you say, muffin?

Clearly nobody explained to her just how romantic that was.

Wow. You got that away from Mom.

How the hell did you do that?

It was easy. I just reasoned with her.

And when that didn't work, I cut off her oxygen.

Mom must be slowing down.

Used to take that and a headlock.

Here's your stinking fish.

Okay. All right, that makes eight items back.

Only 103 to go.

Faye, what's going on? Why is it so important you get all this stuff back?

All right, I'll tell you.

Ever since I sold my husband's stuff, I can't stop thinking about them.

That's understandable.

I'm wracked with guilt.

It's just eating me up that I sold all this.

It's perfectly normal.

Yes, and then last night they came into my bedroom and they said that they

wanted everything back.

You are one buggy broad.

How could this happen? How could she say no?

Nancy!

I bet that Chunky's looking pretty good right about now.

She rejected me.

Now, technically she didn't reject you because technically she doesn't even

know you.

But that's what makes it so romantic.

Isn't it, Helen?

Isn't it romantic?

Isn't it romantic?

No, no, it's hopeless.

I mean, Nancy's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Listen, Russell, Nancy's not the only girl out there. There are plenty of

other women in the world who would... Well, there's plenty of other women in

the world. That's all I know.

I don't understand.

Am I doing something wrong?

Well,

nothing that I can see, big guy.

I think we could all take a page from your book.

Listen, Russell, it's just that with your relationships with women, you seem

to be missing a...

debt like um well meeting them so next time you see someone that

you're interested in try i don't know talking to her first you mean like i'm

talking to you now yes exactly oh will you marry me

Well, you're just not getting this, are you, Russ?

But I talked to you. Like you said, I felt the magic. I mean, don't tell me

you didn't feel it, too.

All right, Russell, that's it.

Look, you seem like a pretty nice guy, and obviously you're quite taken with

Helen, but she is my wife.

So before this goes any further, I just want to say... I'm stepping aside so you

two crazy kids can get married.

Are you the one who put up the flyer looking for the tweed hat?

Oh, my God, there it is, George's hat. I thought I'd never see it again.

Um, how much do you want for it? Um, $2,700.

Do you take terms?

Relax, I'm just teasing.

Boy, you must really want this hat.

Yes, I do. It's very important to me.

It's yours for nothing.

Oh, thank you.

That's very sweet.

Say...

I don't recall your buying this at the flea market.

I think I would have remembered you. Oh, my little granddaughter bought it for me

for my birthday.

She thought her old grandpa would love it.

Oh, I feel terrible taking it from you. Oh, don't worry. It's not so much the

hat. It's the moment she gave it to me that I'll always treasure.

You know something?

I want you to keep it.

Hey, what are you doing?

Well, thank you very much. Keep quiet. Leave me alone.

All right, I'll just take my hat and go. No, no, no, not you.

Then, um... Who?

Faye, while you're screwing around with this joker, my Sing Along With Mitch

albums are out there somewhere.

Yeah, and what about my hat?

Yeah, and my members-only jacket.

People said I look like Joey Bishop in it.

We have to talk.

All right.

No, not you. I have to be alone with my thoughts.

Come on.

Oh, uh, not me.

All right, you three. Now listen to me. I've had just about enough of this.

I'm not getting any more of your stuff back, and that's that. I'm tired of

feeling guilty about this. I didn't do anything wrong. No, you just sold off

everything that reminded you of us as if we didn't even matter.

I'm not buying into that anymore.

Look, I don't need stuff to remind me of you.

Oh, George, do you really think I need an ashtray to remember our wonderful

romantic bungalow in Niagara Falls?

George, just because I don't have an old hat anymore doesn't mean I wouldn't

cherish all those wonderful nights we spent in front of the fireplace.

George, you don't need a big old smelly fish to... Well, I just don't need a big

old smelly fish.

But I'll always love you.

I'll always love all of you.

But I can't live in the past. I have to move on.

Please. Let me go.

Please try to understand.

Oh, you're still here.

You are talking to me now, right?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

I must have seemed crazy to you.

See, the stuff that I sold all belonged to my late husbands, and I was having a

little trouble letting it go. I understand.

You know, the hat looks nice, very distinguished.

Thank you.

I was wondering, I know it's Valentine's Day, and you probably have plans.

Well, actually, I'm free now.

Then would you like to have a cup of coffee with me?

Yeah, I'd love to.

Oh, that's what you're wearing?

What? You agreed to this.

Well, I did my hair. I bought new shoes. What did you do?

Deodorant.

Thought about shaving.

Well, that is not going to cut it. You're going to have to change.

Better women than you have told me that, and here I am.

is hopeless. The only thing I'm going to track with you around is pity.

Suit yourself.

Oh, uh, the tuna boat should be rolling in about a half an hour.

Better get out your hanky.

Very funny.

Look, Joe, Helen, I'm sorry if I caused you all any trouble. I think I'm better

now. Oh, well, we're glad to hear that, Russell.

And you're clear that I am not leaving Joe for you ever, ever, ever, ever,

ever, ever?

Uh, pretty clear, yeah.

Well, that's close enough there, Russell. And listen, next time your

marriage plans require air travel, save your money on the ticket, try a self

-send.

Uh, excuse me.

Yes?

Um, yeah, I've... I've never done anything like this before, but when our

eyes met, I gotta tell you, my heart just... Well, it started to race.

Really?

Would you... Yes.

Here. Oh, at last. A man who understands Valentine's Day.