Original subtitles

Listen to this.

A spokesman for the Society for Inter-Solar System Teamwork, FIT, claims

an alien visitation is going to occur on Nantucket on the 18th of this month.

What a bunch of nutbags.

I don't know about that, Antonio. I mean, who's to say that we're the only

intelligent life in the universe?

Me. I say it. We're it, baby. That's all she wrote.

You're wasting your time with all this woo-woo, hocus-pocus stuff.

Where are you going?

It's Wednesday. I have a standing appointment with Madame Zola to read the

bumps on my head.

Okay, Roy, it's your turn. I'm sure you're a skeptic, too. I just don't

believe we're alone.

Neither do I.

What? Oh, they're here, all right.

They're everywhere.

I've read all the books.

Aliens in My Pocket?

Red Planet Blue Skin?

Bright Lights Big Head?

I wish we could contact the society.

I'd give anything to be at the landing.

No problem.

I know people.

I have a mole in a cyst.

Hey, how'd the job interviews go?

Oh, another bust. This week alone, I've been turned down for tour guide at the

Whaling Museum, dental receptionist, and chum dumper on a tuna boat.

I'm such a loser.

Oh, stop talking like that. You're not a loser.

They wouldn't even let you dump chum.

You know, it's just like everything else.

You've got to know somebody.

Yeah, I know how it is.

This morning when I woke up, I was feeling down, and I just snapped myself

out of it. You want to know how? How?

Well, first I stopped feeling sorry for myself.

I took a deep breath.

I walked on over to the mailbox.

pulled out a big mama check from my insurance company.

A fire settlement came through.

So, uh, what are you gonna do with the check? You gonna buy a new house?

Maybe, eventually, but, uh, for now, I'm just gonna keep him safe here with me.

Aren't I? You're a pretty little check. Yes, you are.

Besides, what's the hurry? I'm living with Joe and Helen. They're cool about

that. I'm not in a rush to go anywhere.

There he is, the man with the check.

We are going to help you turn into a house, a house of your very, very own.

That's right. We've been looking all morning, and we've narrowed it down to

three. All you have to do is pick. Well, I... Here is a gracious face of colonial

featuring three bedrooms, two and a half baths, and a wet bar. Or how about this

fleet contemporary two plus two with a gourmet kitchen, a private deck off the

master, and a wet bar. Or this charming Cape Cod finished basement ocean view

and a wet bar.

What's with all the wet bars? Who am I, Matt Helm?

Is there room in any of those places for me? Well, I am so glad you asked.

This one has a guest house right on the property.

Where? It's right there, see?

That corrugated metal thing? That's a pool shed.

Come on, what do you say we all go down and look at it right now? Well, what's

the rush? Oh, there is no rush. We just want you to be happy. You deserve a

place of your own without us in the way all the time. But you guys aren't in my

way. Yes, we are. We're a giant pain in the butt.

Trust me, Brian.

You shouldn't spend one more night in the house with us.

We don't think your nerves could handle it.

Something bad could happen.

You might... blow.

I suppose it wouldn't hurt to go down there and take a look. All right, then.

Gun house, huh?

Boy, see that crown molding in the living room? You can't find that kind of

craftsmanship today.

Where got that thing under the tarp? Hey, don't worry about that. They got

poison for that.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, oh, got it. There you are. Ooh, you gave me quite a scare there, didn't you?

Stop talking to the checks now. It's psycho.

Come on, we said you three great houses, Brian.

You must have liked one of them.

Well, uh, actually, until... You left me there in the tool shed.

I was measuring for curtains. You couldn't hear me screaming?

You hear a lot of screaming in that part of town. Anyway, what did you think?

Well, I did like the contemporary with the deck off. That's my favorite, too!

So, should we make the call?

Well, could you just give us a minute?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, thanks, guys, because Brian and I need to... Well, this is it, big guy.

I'm going to miss you.

All right, I'm ready.

Let's go get me a house. We did it.

Let's go call the agent.

Quickie menus?

No menus.

Here's what I got.

I got a cheese sandwich. I got a bologna sandwich. I got a tuna sandwich.

I'll take a cheese sandwich.

Me too.

No, you're not listening.

Instead... I got a cheese sandwich, a bologna sandwich, and a tuna sandwich.

Well, how do you expect to stand business like that?

I don't.

Tomorrow I'm closing the place and moving to Miami.

I bought a condo.

In fact, you two are probably my last customers ever.

Wow. Kind of sad.

You want sad?

Where do you see the bologna?

Tune it in.

Really good to be a homeowner.

Yeah.

You know, I bet that those light fixtures are original art deco. Maybe

I'll expand the master bedroom.

And look at the tile work on that counter. I mean, you just don't see

stuff like that anymore.

Of course, I'll have to get rid of the garden. You know how I hate plants.

Paint, a little imagination.

Yeah, it was the right decision.

You know what you should do? You should take your insurance check and invest it

in something. Something that could make you money.

Like what?

Like this place.

A diner? No, no, no, not a diner. You could turn it into something cool, you

know, like a club or a bar.

Oh, I know.

A martini bar. They're big now. Oh, martini bar. What, are you kidding?

That's the stupidest, most ridiculous idea I've ever heard. You could call it

Brian's. Go on.

What could be cooler than owning your own club? I mean, can't you just see

yourself here, you know, sitting on the bar stool, people all around, laughing

at your stories?

You always tell me to shut up when I tell my story.

Yeah, but if I had a couple martinis in me, I'd laugh my head off.

Listen, Brian.

We could make a fortune.

And if anyone has the charisma to draw a crowd, it's you. No, you would be like

Bogey in Casablanca. Yeah, Bogey. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Welcome to Brian.

See, that's great. You're a natural. That is a tangent.

That is a tangent.

Louie, I think this is the beginning. Stop it!

Good stuff for the opening.

Well, I admit it's a cool idea, but what do I know about running a club?

Right. That's where I come in. I can do everything.

I'll design it. I'll supervise the renovations. I'll even manage it for

you. All you have to do is just sit on that bar stool and rake in the dough.

Come on, Brian.

Take a chance.

Sandpiper was Joe's dream.

That could be yours.

Hey, congratulations, Brian. The house is a done deal. You finally have a place

of your own. Yes, I do.

Welcome to Brian's.

A martini bar.

A martini bar.

They're going to be living with us until they die.

Let's not go there yet.

Welcome to Brian's.

Hey, so what do you think?

You want the truth or a bald-faced lie? I'm in deep. Give me the lie. I love it.

Hey.

Well, thanks, buddy, but, you know, we couldn't have done it by ourselves.

Brian's would be nowhere without those workmen out there, I tell you.

Those boys, those boys out there really rallied around me.

Hey.

That sounds like my car.

Damn, it doesn't work, man.

And there she is, the brains behind Brian's. Okay, I realize you guys aren't

exactly in love with the idea, but we have put everything we've got into this,

and it would mean a lot if we had your support.

Okay, Casey, what can we do to help? Short of cosigning anything.

Well, if you want, you can help with the martini menu. See, we're going to serve

all different kinds, and we need to come up with, like, a fun selection.

So... You want us to sit at the bar and drink?

If it isn't too much trouble. Hey, we're family.

Come on, Helen, belly up.

Oh, I remember. This place was a diner.

Good food, but the owner was creepy. Every time I came in, he was all over me

with his sweaty hands and his baloney breath.

I wonder whatever happened to him.

Look at this place.

They'll probably have one of those snooty doormen behind a velvet rope

deciding who gets in and who doesn't.

I knew someone who waited outside a club like this for three hours, never got in.

The doorman said he didn't have the right look.

What were you wearing?

A plaid car coat and a pair of red galoshes.

Hey, welcome to Brian's, Antonio.

I wonder would I hear those words if your snooty doorman didn't think I had

the right look to get in your snobby club.

Probably not.

Oh, hey, that reminds me. I better ask Casey to hire some goon to man the door.

Please, let it be me. Please.

Oh, Brian, I'm perfect for the job. You know, I got that whole Euro thing

happening.

And a dude that's bad to the bone.

You're in.

Hey, let me introduce you to the family. Say, uh, uh, who's this in the, uh,

bandana? Meet the doorman.

Hey, hey, Cochran. Come here.

We are in luck. I got the coordinates for the landing.

Sconset Point, three nights from now.

Oh, you're kidding.

No, we have to bring a lawn chair, a warm blanket, and an offering.

I suggest an Intimid's crumb cake.

The aliens like crumb cake?

No, the cyst people.

They hate it if you show up empty-handed.

The last thing you want to do is get fist-pissed.

Okay, let's get back to work.

How many names have we come up with yet?

Okay, let's see. We have the Martini Navrilova.

And we have the Idi Amini Martini.

And let me see. What should we call that one? Oh, no, I got it. I got it. I got

it. The... Oh, this is good. The Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot...

Martini. Oh.

You saw right where I was going.

I just thought of something.

We can't drive like this.

How are we going to get home?

Antonio. He hasn't been drinking. He's thinking very clearly.

Sorry, babe.

In your dreams.

No way.

Is that a freaking car code?

Be cool, be cool. We still got five minutes before we're officially open.

Look, Brian, there's a line around the block. There's got to be like 200 people

out there. Whoa, 200 people all here to see Brian.

I guess my name really draws them in, huh? Yeah, those two-for-one coupons

didn't hurt either.

What's the word, Mr. B?

All right, Antonio.

Fend in the first cut.

Laura's slippery.

Oh, Al. Can I help you out here? No, no, no, no. I think you better call the

doctor. Al, Al, Al, Al. I think we better call the insurance company, too.

I don't think we can call the insurance company.

Why not?

Ryan doesn't have one.

Al, Al, Al.

Call me.

Irresponsible. Brian.

Call me unreliable.

Brian. Call me an idiot for trusting you.

I already said I was sorry.

You know, you told me to cut corners. I had to make some executive decisions.

Do you know how much a good assistant manager costs?

Maybe it's not as bad as we think. I mean, we don't even really know how hurt

this guy is. He might be okay by now.

You know, yeah, he might be right. I mean, they only wheeled him out of here

on a gurney. That's how I like to travel when I'm in the pink!

into her.

She makes a lot of sense.

Charlie, Charlie, please stay with me.

I'm about to lose my club here. I need some help.

You know, you rejected my help. You should have taken my advice when I told

you to buy a hat.

A hat?

A hat.

A hat. A hat. A hat with a deck off the master and a little tool set for Stacey.

What am I going to do?

Well, I think that it's time to add a new drink to the menu, the bankruptini

martini.

It's on the rock, and it's going to live with its relatives for the rest of its

life. Oh, no, no, no.

Okay, no, no, no.

Listen, we're just going to go behind the bar and take a little nappy. We'll

meet you later back at the hat.

That's it.

It's all over.

I drank my last dime into this plate.

Now when that guy sues me, I'm going to lose everything.

No, Brian, we're not giving up.

What if we go see him before he gets a lawyer? Maybe we could make a settlement

and we could still keep the club.

Okay,

yeah, it's worth a shot. Okay, good. So we're going to go visit Mr. Albert

Moorhead first thing in the morning.

Make that...

Second thing in the morning.

Come in.

Oh, wow.

Hi, Mr. Moorhead.

We're the people that own the... I know. You're the folks who own the club. My

mom told me you were coming.

Oh, yeah. We met her downstairs.

What a lovely lady.

We'd like to be.

Hey, I see you have a view, Master. I love these things. May I?

I'm a little sore.

Doctor says I hurt my... You know, my... My fanny.

Your fanny?

Yeah, you know.

My hiney.

Anyways,

I don't blame you for being mad at me.

Mad at you?

No, I...

I've never been to a club before.

I only gave the doorman money because I saw someone do it in a movie once.

Then I get in, and of course, I'm so clumsy, I fall down and cause a big

scene.

Albie.

Albie.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You think you're the only guy who ever fell on his dushie?

You're nice.

Excuse us. One minute, please.

I think I know how to make this whole thing go away. Really? How?

Sleep with them.

What? Come on.

It'll be three minutes tops. Trust me.

Meanwhile, I'll be downstairs diverting the gorgon.

Are you guys having secrets?

Oh, I know.

No, you know, we were just thinking we would like to do something for you.

I had a girl see you downstairs.

Get back!

medical bills until the doctor fixes your... hiney.

And then we'd like to... give you a

lifetime pass to Brian's. See, that way, anytime you'd want to come and party

with the coolest people on the island, well, you'll just be our guest.

Come on.

Me with all those groovy people and girls and stuff?

No way.

It's true.

And all you have to do...

is sign a little piece of paper. It's called a liability waiver, which says

that you don't hold us responsible for your... And then just pull up a bar

stool and join the jamboree, okay?

Okay. Thanks.

You're welcome, Albie.

Is it okay if we come right back with the papers?

Sure, I'll find anything you want.

I just have to run it by my mother first.

believe it.

Packed every night.

We were right. This place is a money machine.

Albie! Albie, over here!

Please, Albie!

Sorry,

kids. Not tonight.

We didn't go anywhere. We didn't see anything. I'm not saying a word.

Good, because they wouldn't believe us anyway.

Exactly. Much better to act like nothing happened.

Just business as usual.

Okay, well, I'll see you later.