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Listen to this.
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A spokesman for the Society for
Inter-Solar System Teamwork, FIT, claims
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an alien visitation is going to occur on
Nantucket on the 18th of this month.
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What a bunch of nutbags.
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I don't know about that, Antonio. I
mean, who's to say that we're the only
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intelligent life in the universe?
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Me. I say it. We're it, baby. That's all
she wrote.
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You're wasting your time with all this
woo-woo, hocus-pocus stuff.
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Where are you going?
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It's Wednesday. I have a standing
appointment with Madame Zola to read the
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bumps on my head.
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Okay, Roy, it's your turn. I'm sure
you're a skeptic, too. I just don't
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believe we're alone.
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Neither do I.
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What? Oh, they're here, all right.
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They're everywhere.
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I've read all the books.
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Aliens in My Pocket?
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Red Planet Blue Skin?
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Bright Lights Big Head?
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I wish we could contact the society.
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I'd give anything to be at the landing.
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No problem.
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I know people.
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I have a mole in a cyst.
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Hey, how'd the job interviews go?
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Oh, another bust. This week alone, I've
been turned down for tour guide at the
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Whaling Museum, dental receptionist, and
chum dumper on a tuna boat.
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I'm such a loser.
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Oh, stop talking like that. You're not a
loser.
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They wouldn't even let you dump chum.
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You know, it's just like everything
else.
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You've got to know somebody.
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Yeah, I know how it is.
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This morning when I woke up, I was
feeling down, and I just snapped myself
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out of it. You want to know how? How?
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Well, first I stopped feeling sorry for
myself.
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I took a deep breath.
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I walked on over to the mailbox.
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pulled out a big mama check from my
insurance company.
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A fire settlement came through.
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So, uh, what are you gonna do with the
check? You gonna buy a new house?
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Maybe, eventually, but, uh, for now, I'm
just gonna keep him safe here with me.
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Aren't I? You're a pretty little check.
Yes, you are.
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Besides, what's the hurry? I'm living
with Joe and Helen. They're cool about
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that. I'm not in a rush to go anywhere.
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There he is, the man with the check.
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We are going to help you turn into a
house, a house of your very, very own.
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That's right. We've been looking all
morning, and we've narrowed it down to
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three. All you have to do is pick. Well,
I... Here is a gracious face of colonial
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featuring three bedrooms, two and a half
baths, and a wet bar. Or how about this
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fleet contemporary two plus two with a
gourmet kitchen, a private deck off the
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master, and a wet bar. Or this charming
Cape Cod finished basement ocean view
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and a wet bar.
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What's with all the wet bars? Who am I,
Matt Helm?
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Is there room in any of those places for
me? Well, I am so glad you asked.
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This one has a guest house right on the
property.
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Where? It's right there, see?
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That corrugated metal thing? That's a
pool shed.
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Come on, what do you say we all go down
and look at it right now? Well, what's
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the rush? Oh, there is no rush. We just
want you to be happy. You deserve a
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place of your own without us in the way
all the time. But you guys aren't in my
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way. Yes, we are. We're a giant pain in
the butt.
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Trust me, Brian.
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You shouldn't spend one more night in
the house with us.
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We don't think your nerves could handle
it.
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Something bad could happen.
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You might... blow.
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I suppose it wouldn't hurt to go down
there and take a look. All right, then.
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Gun house, huh?
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Boy, see that crown molding in the
living room? You can't find that kind of
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craftsmanship today.
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Where got that thing under the tarp?
Hey, don't worry about that. They got
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poison for that.
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Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
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Oh, oh, got it. There you are. Ooh, you
gave me quite a scare there, didn't you?
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Stop talking to the checks now. It's
psycho.
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Come on, we said you three great houses,
Brian.
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You must have liked one of them.
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Well, uh, actually, until... You left me
there in the tool shed.
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I was measuring for curtains. You
couldn't hear me screaming?
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You hear a lot of screaming in that part
of town. Anyway, what did you think?
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Well, I did like the contemporary with
the deck off. That's my favorite, too!
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So, should we make the call?
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Well, could you just give us a minute?
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Oh, yeah.
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Yeah, thanks, guys, because Brian and I
need to... Well, this is it, big guy.
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I'm going to miss you.
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All right, I'm ready.
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Let's go get me a house. We did it.
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Let's go call the agent.
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Quickie menus?
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No menus.
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Here's what I got.
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I got a cheese sandwich. I got a bologna
sandwich. I got a tuna sandwich.
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I'll take a cheese sandwich.
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Me too.
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No, you're not listening.
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Instead... I got a cheese sandwich, a
bologna sandwich, and a tuna sandwich.
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Well, how do you expect to stand
business like that?
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I don't.
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Tomorrow I'm closing the place and
moving to Miami.
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I bought a condo.
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In fact, you two are probably my last
customers ever.
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Wow. Kind of sad.
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You want sad?
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Where do you see the bologna?
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Tune it in.
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Really good to be a homeowner.
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Yeah.
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You know, I bet that those light
fixtures are original art deco. Maybe
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I'll expand the master bedroom.
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And look at the tile work on that
counter. I mean, you just don't see
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stuff like that anymore.
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Of course, I'll have to get rid of the
garden. You know how I hate plants.
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Paint, a little imagination.
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Yeah, it was the right decision.
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You know what you should do? You should
take your insurance check and invest it
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in something. Something that could make
you money.
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Like what?
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Like this place.
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A diner? No, no, no, not a diner. You
could turn it into something cool, you
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know, like a club or a bar.
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Oh, I know.
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A martini bar. They're big now. Oh,
martini bar. What, are you kidding?
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That's the stupidest, most ridiculous
idea I've ever heard. You could call it
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Brian's. Go on.
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What could be cooler than owning your
own club? I mean, can't you just see
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yourself here, you know, sitting on the
bar stool, people all around, laughing
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at your stories?
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You always tell me to shut up when I
tell my story.
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Yeah, but if I had a couple martinis in
me, I'd laugh my head off.
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Listen, Brian.
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We could make a fortune.
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And if anyone has the charisma to draw a
crowd, it's you. No, you would be like
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Bogey in Casablanca. Yeah, Bogey.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
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Welcome to Brian.
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See, that's great. You're a natural.
That is a tangent.
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That is a tangent.
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Louie, I think this is the beginning.
Stop it!
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Good stuff for the opening.
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Well, I admit it's a cool idea, but what
do I know about running a club?
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Right. That's where I come in. I can do
everything.
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I'll design it. I'll supervise the
renovations. I'll even manage it for
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you. All you have to do is just sit on
that bar stool and rake in the dough.
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Come on, Brian.
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Take a chance.
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Sandpiper was Joe's dream.
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That could be yours.
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Hey, congratulations, Brian. The house
is a done deal. You finally have a place
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of your own. Yes, I do.
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Welcome to Brian's.
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A martini bar.
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A martini bar.
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They're going to be living with us until
they die.
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Let's not go there yet.
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Welcome to Brian's.
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Hey, so what do you think?
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You want the truth or a bald-faced lie?
I'm in deep. Give me the lie. I love it.
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Hey.
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Well, thanks, buddy, but, you know, we
couldn't have done it by ourselves.
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Brian's would be nowhere without those
workmen out there, I tell you.
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Those boys, those boys out there really
rallied around me.
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Hey.
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That sounds like my car.
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Damn, it doesn't work, man.
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And there she is, the brains behind
Brian's. Okay, I realize you guys aren't
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exactly in love with the idea, but we
have put everything we've got into this,
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and it would mean a lot if we had your
support.
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Okay, Casey, what can we do to help?
Short of cosigning anything.
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Well, if you want, you can help with the
martini menu. See, we're going to serve
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all different kinds, and we need to come
up with, like, a fun selection.
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So... You want us to sit at the bar and
drink?
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If it isn't too much trouble. Hey, we're
family.
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Come on, Helen, belly up.
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Oh, I remember. This place was a diner.
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Good food, but the owner was creepy.
Every time I came in, he was all over me
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with his sweaty hands and his baloney
breath.
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I wonder whatever happened to him.
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Look at this place.
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They'll probably have one of those
snooty doormen behind a velvet rope
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deciding who gets in and who doesn't.
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I knew someone who waited outside a club
like this for three hours, never got in.
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The doorman said he didn't have the
right look.
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00:10:02,730 --> 00:10:03,990
What were you wearing?
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00:10:06,150 --> 00:10:09,490
A plaid car coat and a pair of red
galoshes.
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Hey, welcome to Brian's, Antonio.
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00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:17,700
I wonder would I hear those words if
your snooty doorman didn't think I had
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the right look to get in your snobby
club.
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00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,080
Probably not.
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Oh, hey, that reminds me. I better ask
Casey to hire some goon to man the door.
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00:10:28,180 --> 00:10:29,580
Please, let it be me. Please.
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00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:34,560
Oh, Brian, I'm perfect for the job. You
know, I got that whole Euro thing
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happening.
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00:10:35,860 --> 00:10:38,200
And a dude that's bad to the bone.
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You're in.
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00:10:40,590 --> 00:10:44,270
Hey, let me introduce you to the family.
Say, uh, uh, who's this in the, uh,
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bandana? Meet the doorman.
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00:10:47,470 --> 00:10:49,130
Hey, hey, Cochran. Come here.
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00:10:49,670 --> 00:10:52,850
We are in luck. I got the coordinates
for the landing.
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00:10:53,410 --> 00:10:55,430
Sconset Point, three nights from now.
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00:10:55,670 --> 00:10:56,489
Oh, you're kidding.
203
00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:59,490
No, we have to bring a lawn chair, a
warm blanket, and an offering.
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00:10:59,850 --> 00:11:01,730
I suggest an Intimid's crumb cake.
205
00:11:03,870 --> 00:11:05,730
The aliens like crumb cake?
206
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:08,170
No, the cyst people.
207
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:12,320
They hate it if you show up
empty-handed.
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00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,900
The last thing you want to do is get
fist-pissed.
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00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,620
Okay, let's get back to work.
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00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:24,900
How many names have we come up with yet?
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00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:28,660
Okay, let's see. We have the Martini
Navrilova.
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00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:34,200
And we have the Idi Amini Martini.
213
00:11:36,180 --> 00:11:40,110
And let me see. What should we call that
one? Oh, no, I got it. I got it. I got
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00:11:40,110 --> 00:11:45,050
it. The... Oh, this is good. The Itsy
Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot...
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00:11:45,050 --> 00:11:46,050
Martini. Oh.
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00:11:47,970 --> 00:11:50,210
You saw right where I was going.
217
00:11:52,510 --> 00:11:53,690
I just thought of something.
218
00:11:54,370 --> 00:11:56,230
We can't drive like this.
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How are we going to get home?
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00:11:58,450 --> 00:12:01,430
Antonio. He hasn't been drinking. He's
thinking very clearly.
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00:12:05,810 --> 00:12:06,810
Sorry, babe.
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00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,080
In your dreams.
223
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:18,440
No way.
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00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:24,560
Is that a freaking car code?
225
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:36,460
Be cool, be cool. We still got five
minutes before we're officially open.
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00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:41,510
Look, Brian, there's a line around the
block. There's got to be like 200 people
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00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:45,090
out there. Whoa, 200 people all here to
see Brian.
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00:12:45,310 --> 00:12:49,950
I guess my name really draws them in,
huh? Yeah, those two-for-one coupons
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00:12:49,950 --> 00:12:50,950
didn't hurt either.
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00:12:52,890 --> 00:12:54,130
What's the word, Mr. B?
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00:12:56,330 --> 00:12:57,330
All right, Antonio.
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Fend in the first cut.
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00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:17,499
Laura's slippery.
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00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:21,060
Oh, Al. Can I help you out here? No, no,
no, no. I think you better call the
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00:13:21,060 --> 00:13:25,320
doctor. Al, Al, Al, Al. I think we
better call the insurance company, too.
236
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,400
I don't think we can call the insurance
company.
237
00:13:27,620 --> 00:13:28,619
Why not?
238
00:13:28,620 --> 00:13:29,660
Ryan doesn't have one.
239
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:32,300
Al, Al, Al.
240
00:13:43,540 --> 00:13:44,540
Call me.
241
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,800
Irresponsible. Brian.
242
00:13:49,420 --> 00:13:53,680
Call me unreliable.
243
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:59,280
Brian. Call me an idiot for trusting
you.
244
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:03,020
I already said I was sorry.
245
00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:07,060
You know, you told me to cut corners. I
had to make some executive decisions.
246
00:14:08,140 --> 00:14:11,500
Do you know how much a good assistant
manager costs?
247
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:23,760
Maybe it's not as bad as we think. I
mean, we don't even really know how hurt
248
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,800
this guy is. He might be okay by now.
249
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:30,700
You know, yeah, he might be right. I
mean, they only wheeled him out of here
250
00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:33,700
on a gurney. That's how I like to travel
when I'm in the pink!
251
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:10,480
into her.
252
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:12,960
She makes a lot of sense.
253
00:15:13,340 --> 00:15:16,620
Charlie, Charlie, please stay with me.
254
00:15:17,140 --> 00:15:19,480
I'm about to lose my club here. I need
some help.
255
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:24,100
You know, you rejected my help. You
should have taken my advice when I told
256
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:25,100
you to buy a hat.
257
00:15:26,540 --> 00:15:27,660
A hat?
258
00:15:28,020 --> 00:15:29,380
A hat.
259
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:34,280
A hat. A hat. A hat with a deck off the
master and a little tool set for Stacey.
260
00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:46,100
What am I going to do?
261
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:51,640
Well, I think that it's time to add a
new drink to the menu, the bankruptini
262
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:52,640
martini.
263
00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:58,720
It's on the rock, and it's going to live
with its relatives for the rest of its
264
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:00,280
life. Oh, no, no, no.
265
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,000
Okay, no, no, no.
266
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:06,460
Listen, we're just going to go behind
the bar and take a little nappy. We'll
267
00:16:06,460 --> 00:16:07,620
meet you later back at the hat.
268
00:16:13,660 --> 00:16:14,660
That's it.
269
00:16:16,650 --> 00:16:17,650
It's all over.
270
00:16:18,390 --> 00:16:20,750
I drank my last dime into this plate.
271
00:16:21,750 --> 00:16:24,950
Now when that guy sues me, I'm going to
lose everything.
272
00:16:25,410 --> 00:16:28,130
No, Brian, we're not giving up.
273
00:16:28,330 --> 00:16:31,990
What if we go see him before he gets a
lawyer? Maybe we could make a settlement
274
00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:32,990
and we could still keep the club.
275
00:16:34,150 --> 00:16:35,150
Okay,
276
00:16:35,450 --> 00:16:39,530
yeah, it's worth a shot. Okay, good. So
we're going to go visit Mr. Albert
277
00:16:39,530 --> 00:16:41,050
Moorhead first thing in the morning.
278
00:16:43,410 --> 00:16:44,410
Make that...
279
00:16:44,790 --> 00:16:45,970
Second thing in the morning.
280
00:16:54,010 --> 00:16:55,010
Come in.
281
00:16:58,930 --> 00:16:59,930
Oh, wow.
282
00:17:01,970 --> 00:17:03,470
Hi, Mr. Moorhead.
283
00:17:03,810 --> 00:17:06,530
We're the people that own the... I know.
You're the folks who own the club. My
284
00:17:06,530 --> 00:17:07,530
mom told me you were coming.
285
00:17:07,770 --> 00:17:09,810
Oh, yeah. We met her downstairs.
286
00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:11,170
What a lovely lady.
287
00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:29,360
We'd like to be.
288
00:17:29,820 --> 00:17:34,160
Hey, I see you have a view, Master. I
love these things. May I?
289
00:18:02,090 --> 00:18:03,090
I'm a little sore.
290
00:18:03,170 --> 00:18:07,910
Doctor says I hurt my... You know, my...
My fanny.
291
00:18:09,670 --> 00:18:10,790
Your fanny?
292
00:18:11,430 --> 00:18:12,430
Yeah, you know.
293
00:18:12,770 --> 00:18:13,770
My hiney.
294
00:18:20,310 --> 00:18:21,310
Anyways,
295
00:18:22,070 --> 00:18:23,790
I don't blame you for being mad at me.
296
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:25,770
Mad at you?
297
00:18:26,050 --> 00:18:27,050
No, I...
298
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:31,820
I've never been to a club before.
299
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:35,580
I only gave the doorman money because I
saw someone do it in a movie once.
300
00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:39,320
Then I get in, and of course, I'm so
clumsy, I fall down and cause a big
301
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:40,320
scene.
302
00:18:41,540 --> 00:18:42,540
Albie.
303
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:44,440
Albie.
304
00:18:45,260 --> 00:18:46,680
Don't be so hard on yourself.
305
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:51,800
You think you're the only guy who ever
fell on his dushie?
306
00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:12,050
You're nice.
307
00:19:14,630 --> 00:19:18,030
Excuse us. One minute, please.
308
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:25,350
I think I know how to make this whole
thing go away. Really? How?
309
00:19:26,470 --> 00:19:27,470
Sleep with them.
310
00:19:29,930 --> 00:19:32,010
What? Come on.
311
00:19:32,210 --> 00:19:34,290
It'll be three minutes tops. Trust me.
312
00:19:35,350 --> 00:19:38,090
Meanwhile, I'll be downstairs diverting
the gorgon.
313
00:19:59,820 --> 00:20:00,820
Are you guys having secrets?
314
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,000
Oh, I know.
315
00:20:02,140 --> 00:20:06,760
No, you know, we were just thinking we
would like to do something for you.
316
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,460
I had a girl see you downstairs.
317
00:20:08,660 --> 00:20:09,660
Get back!
318
00:20:35,150 --> 00:20:39,050
medical bills until the doctor fixes
your... hiney.
319
00:20:40,290 --> 00:20:47,070
And then we'd like to... give you a
320
00:20:47,070 --> 00:20:51,230
lifetime pass to Brian's. See, that way,
anytime you'd want to come and party
321
00:20:51,230 --> 00:20:54,270
with the coolest people on the island,
well, you'll just be our guest.
322
00:20:54,510 --> 00:20:55,510
Come on.
323
00:20:55,750 --> 00:20:58,150
Me with all those groovy people and
girls and stuff?
324
00:20:58,530 --> 00:20:59,530
No way.
325
00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:01,050
It's true.
326
00:21:02,530 --> 00:21:03,910
And all you have to do...
327
00:21:04,190 --> 00:21:09,630
is sign a little piece of paper. It's
called a liability waiver, which says
328
00:21:09,630 --> 00:21:16,270
that you don't hold us responsible for
your... And then just pull up a bar
329
00:21:16,270 --> 00:21:18,470
stool and join the jamboree, okay?
330
00:21:18,790 --> 00:21:19,930
Okay. Thanks.
331
00:21:20,490 --> 00:21:22,330
You're welcome, Albie.
332
00:21:23,090 --> 00:21:25,410
Is it okay if we come right back with
the papers?
333
00:21:25,670 --> 00:21:26,930
Sure, I'll find anything you want.
334
00:21:27,990 --> 00:21:29,730
I just have to run it by my mother
first.
335
00:21:37,260 --> 00:21:37,919
believe it.
336
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:38,960
Packed every night.
337
00:21:39,180 --> 00:21:41,660
We were right. This place is a money
machine.
338
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:44,960
Albie! Albie, over here!
339
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:46,520
Please, Albie!
340
00:21:46,900 --> 00:21:47,900
Sorry,
341
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,320
kids. Not tonight.
342
00:22:08,140 --> 00:22:11,840
We didn't go anywhere. We didn't see
anything. I'm not saying a word.
343
00:22:12,060 --> 00:22:13,520
Good, because they wouldn't believe us
anyway.
344
00:22:13,820 --> 00:22:16,680
Exactly. Much better to act like nothing
happened.
345
00:22:16,980 --> 00:22:18,360
Just business as usual.
346
00:22:18,740 --> 00:22:19,900
Okay, well, I'll see you later.
26107
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