Original subtitles

Helen, Helen, you're not going to believe what I witnessed last night.

What? I was over at the town pharmacy, standing at the cosmetics counter, you

know, checking out the new tweezers.

Tweezers? You tweeze?

What do you tweeze?

Well, don't I tweeze?

I never tweeze.

Yeah, I know.

Anyway, I'm at the counter, and I see Faye standing at the other end, but she

doesn't see me.

So then all of a sudden, I spot her take a lipstick off the counter and place it

in her purse.

What? What are you saying? Faith stole a lipstick? I haven't seen hands work that

fast since I got rolled at my cousin's wedding.

All right, Tonya, don't be ridiculous. We're talking about Faith here. I'm sure

there's a reasonable explanation for what happened.

Hi, Faith.

Hi. Is that a new shade of lipstick?

Oh, yes, it is. I was in the store and it just called out to me.

Yeah, it said, make your move, the security guy's in the can.

Look at her over there.

Sweet, lovable, innocent Faye.

What a front.

Antonio, stop it. You and I both know Faye is not a thief.

Is she?

No, no, of course not.

Where are you going?

I saw her casing my locker.

One turn of a bobby pin, and I'm out of clean undershirt and a Baywatch thermos.

Hey, Helen, you forgot to give me your wedding ring. If I'm going to get your

jewelry appraised, I'm going to need all of it. Oh, right.

Hi, Faye.

Your lipstick?

Oh, yeah, it was a steal.

What have you got there?

Uh, nothing. Oh, no, it's Helen's jewelry. I'm taking it to be appraised.

Oh, can I see? Sure.

Take a gander at them poils.

What do you think they'd look on me? Oh, just sensational.

Yeah. Boy, you can wear anything, Faye. Oh, and how about these matching

earrings? Oh, let me see. Oh, they just look adorable on you.

Helen, what's wrong with you? You seem a little jumpy. Oh, no, I'm not jumpy at

all. Don't be ridiculous.

Get these out of here and if she follows you, swallow them. We can always go to

the appraiser next week.

Hey.

Look at me, Joe. Look at me.

Look at me. Look at me.

I'm a dinosaur.

I'm extinct.

First there was Neanderthal man, then there was Cro-Magnon man, and one day,

when they excavate a TGI Fridays, they'll find me.

Single man!

Is this going to be a long rant? I just need to know so I can plan my day.

This is an invitation to my last single friend's wedding.

I mean, who'd have thought that Dave McCall would get married before me, huh?

Dave McCall is getting married?

That's weird. I didn't get an invitation, and you met Dave through me.

It makes me think that life is sort of passing me by, you know? Oh, well, I'm

sure my invitation's in the mail. I'll probably get it tomorrow.

Actually, mine came a week ago. I just opened this today.

A week ago?

How come a guy like Dave McCall can settle down and I can't? I mean,

remember his nickname?

Dave Hadamall McCall?

I gave him that nickname.

The invitation said, Brian Hackett and guest.

There ain't no and guest in my life.

You know what this means. I'm going to be seated at the sad singles table.

It'll be me, a couple of portly cousins, and his uncle Bobby, the confirmed

bachelor.

I don't get this. You know, Dave and I are good friends. After college, we

drove cross-country together. We ate beans out of a can. We slept in a Vega

hatchback. You don't get closer than that.

Hey, is anybody else gonna go to this McCall thing?

You're invited, too? I didn't even know you knew Dave. Yeah, I met him at your

wedding.

At the Hoover Dam, we smoked a doobie and couldn't feel our legs.

You know what?

This invitation is a wake-up call.

If Dave can do it, so can I.

From this moment on, no more one-night stands, no more frivolous relationships.

I want to find someone who... Finishes your sentences.

Right. Right.

Someone who on a Sunday morning you can... Cuddle with and be the newspaper.

Right. Someone... You can share your future with and build your hopes and

your dreams.

Exactly.

I better go look for that gift.

What do you think, Joe?

Is somebody out there for me, or am I too late?

I sucked rattlesnake venom out of his leg and dead body.

I'm hurting, man.

You? You know what venom tastes like? I'll tell you right now. Not chicken.

Joe, Joe, I'm serious.

I want to get married, you know? Have children.

I'm not getting any younger.

You know, I don't want to go to a Little League game and have to tell my son that

I missed his home run because Nurse Nancy was changing me in the back of the

minivan.

Well, Brian, I hope you get what you want.

Because there's nothing as rewarding as a relationship where the bond is so

strong, words don't need to be spoken.

I thought I had that with Dave.

No. I went down to the post office and made them look again.

And when they couldn't find it, I asked them very nicely if I

might sift through a few bins.

And when they said no, I became what Sergeant Robbins described as

belligerent.

She thought she was so tough.

You've got to calm down. You're completely overreacting.

All right, okay.

What are you doing?

Faye's about to take a break. I've got way too much cash lying around.

Joke, joke.

You're not going to believe what just happened.

My invitation came.

Well, not yet.

Anyway, remember how I said that I wanted to look for a woman with my

heart? You know, well, I found her. I found her, and you'll never guess where.

On our plane, man, on the Boston run, we made a connection. She's special, Joey.

Really? What's she look like?

See? Now you sound like the old me.

I mean, what's the difference what she looks like?

I mean, looks are so overrated anyway. That's always been my problem. It's

what's in here that counts.

Hey, Brian. It was nice to meet you. Yeah, it was nice meeting you, too. So,

um, see you tonight?

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Great. You, too.

That's the woman you found by looking with your heart?

Uh-huh, so?

I love you, Brian. Don't ever change.

What are you doing that for?

Come on, I can't believe I almost fell for it. I want a deeper relationship.

I want to get married. I've changed.

Well, I have.

Oh, come on, Brian, face it. You don't date women, you date bodies. You see a

pretty face, you move right in. Now admit it, you're going to sleep with her

and move on. And that's okay.

That's Brian. Just don't tell me that you've changed.

I'm an usher at Dave's wedding.

What?

Hurts, doesn't it?

I think.

I can't believe you picked this place.

Is it all right?

Are you kidding?

I've been waiting to come here forever.

It's like you read my mind.

Go on.

Read it again.

Well, okay.

Let's see.

He's cute, he's funny, and if that's not a hair weave, I'll marry him.

So, Brian, tell me everything about yourself.

Well... Oh, my God, I cannot believe I just said that.

That sounds like such a first-day cliché. Hey, hey, hey.

Clichés are clichés because they're true.

Okay, now, uh, all about myself. All right, well, let's see. I was, uh, born

and raised here. Oh, my God!

What?

Prestics! I love Prestics!

Hold on.

Okay, uh... Uh, where was I? Oh, uh, okay. Uh, yeah, um, well... I'm a pilot,

and I'm obviously single.

But more importantly, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, and I've

come to the realization that I want to settle down with someone, and I want

some permanence in my life.

So what about you?

I'm a temp.

I float from job to job, and I love it.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Okay. Well, that's like a cousin of permanence.

You are so funny, Bri Bri.

What did you just call me?

Bri Bri.

Is it okay if I call you Bri Bri?

Why, why?

It's just a thing I do.

I like to give nicknames to people that I care about.

It kind of makes me feel closer to them.

Well then, Bri Bri would be honored if you called him.

Bride, bride.

Anyway, bride, bride, there's something I really need to ask you. Danny, I want

us both to be completely open and honest with each other, okay? So you just, you

ask me anything.

Okay.

Can I have your breadsticks?

Oh, that's good.

No, really, ask me.

Again?

All right.

Can I have your breadsticks?

Seriously, you really like them sticks, huh?

I just love them.

Oh, my God!

It's all right. Don't panic. Here you go.

It's a song. It's so moving.

I just love it. Yeah, yeah. That's a great song.

glad you asked me out you are yeah i mean it's really hard to find a nice guy

and even though we just met i feel like you and i have a lot in common yeah well

maybe we do um for instance tomorrow's sunday you know and and uh you know

what's great to do on a sunday morning no why well what's what's great to do on

a sunday morning is to cuddle with someone and uh

And what?

Read the Sunday news.

this tune.

Love lift us up where we were wrong.

Where the eagles die.

Oh, look.

A Monet was stolen last night from the Boston Museum of Fine Art.

Anybody know what Fay was up to?

Won't you just go over there and ask her exactly what happened? happen in that

drugstore. All right, all right.

What am I going to say?

Well, you're her friend. You'll find the right word.

This lovely lipstick, Faye. Oh, thank you. Why'd you steal it?

What? Are you accusing me of stealing a $2 lipstick?

Now that I say it out loud, it does seem ridiculous.

I mean... Well, you're right.

I did steal it.

You did?

Why, Faye?

It was the rush, baby, the rush.

I was standing in that store with the lipstick in my hand, and suddenly I

thought, what if I don't pay for it and just stick it in my bag?

And the more I thought about it, the more my heart started beating, my palms

were sweating. I never felt so alive.

So I lifted it. I walked out into the sunshine, put on my crimson crush, and

never looked back.

The important thing is you feel all that remorse.

Yeah. Yeah, remorse.

Hey, Roy. What you got there?

It's a wedding gift for that friend of yours.

What's his name?

David Thornton Patrick McCall.

were registered. 200 items on the list. The only gift left was this bread maker.

Man, who isn't going to that wedding?

What's with your leg? Oh, well, last night Danny and I went country western

dancing and some CPA in lizard boots kicked me during the cowboy cha-cha.

Country and western dancing?

You?

Wow, sex must really be worth it.

When did life turn you so cynical?

The day I sat on my front porch waiting for an envelope that never came.

Well, first of all, that's just very sad.

And second, uh, Danny and I haven't even slept together yet. Oh, come on, Brian.

It's true. I'm just taking it slow. I want to get to know her first.

You're serious, aren't you? Yeah, I am. I mean, I never took the time to get to

know a woman, and now that I have, I tell you, it makes all the difference in

the world.

Wow.

I guess I owe you an apology. What can I say, man? I hope she's the one. I hate

her!

What? Hate her!

Hate, hate.

She is the most annoying human being on Earth. I hate the way she calls me Bri

-Bri. I hate the way she sings the wrong lyrics. Love lift us up where we were

wrong.

Oh, I hate with the baby talk. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. I don't

care how sexy she is. She's never going to finish my sentences.

That's it. I need to not be with her anymore.

Look, Brian.

Please, no, spare me. I know what you're going to say. Brian, you haven't changed

a bit. Well, I don't care. No, no, I was going to say that you have changed. The

old Brian wouldn't have cared how annoying she was. You just would have

tuned it out and slept with her anyway. No.

I know it was a gift.

So, uh, what are you gonna do? Well, I'm supposed to see her tonight, but what do

you think? I'm gonna go over there and end it.

Good for you.

Oh, and listen, since, um, you and Danny aren't seeing each other anymore...

Forget it. I'm not taking you to the wedding with me.

Helen? Dave!

Hi, how are you? Well, pretty upset. I just found this in my car.

It must have slipped under the seat when I went to mail all my wedding

invitations. Oh, so that's what happened to it.

I hope you and Joe didn't think that you weren't invited.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Boy, he just thought it was some silly mix-up.

You guys are close friends. You know what he thinks of you.

Leave a message at the beep.

Hi, Dave.

Selfish, pathetic freak!

You remember me, Joe Hackett, the guy that wasn't invited to your stupid

wedding? You know, I should have just turned the other way and let that

motorcycle gang in Flagstaff pass you around like they wanted to.

But no, I had to pull the Vega around and trade you for all my beer.

Oh, by the way...

Your wedding is a farce, yeah. All your friends know it.

And we got a little pool going. The odds right now are five to one. She cheats on

you in the first year, you pathetic, sorry loser.

So in case it hasn't sunk in yet, I hate your guts.

Dave? Hey, buddy.

Guess what I have.

Ah.

It's such a good idea if we go out. You know, I was thinking the same thing.

You were?

Yeah. I think it's time we, uh, stayed in.

Oh, yes?

Oh, yes.

All righty.

Look, Danny, I really have something I have to talk to you about.

What is it?

What is what?

Oh. Bye-bye.

Okay, I think it just came back to me.

Been thinking an awful lot about our relationship. So have I.

And I am so glad we took the time out to get to know each other.

That's why I feel so right.

Oh, right.

So right.

All righty.

Righty-dighty.

This isn't right.

Well, what isn't right?

Huh?

What? Who said that? I'll kill them.

You know, I think I know what you mean about this not being right.

You do?

Yeah.

I think we should take this into the bedroom.

Oh.

Here we go. Come on, Brian.

I'm sorry. I really have to tell you something.

My God, you're the sexiest, most beautiful woman I've ever been with.

But lately I've been doing a lot of soul searching.

And I really need to change the pattern of my life.

It's just better for my growth as an individual. I don't want to be the old

Brian anymore. What I'm trying to say is...

This is harder for me than I thought.

Do you have a glass of... Water?

Did you say water?

Yeah.

You finished my sentence.

So?

Works for me!

I can't believe I actually shoplifted just for a cheap thrill.

Oh, don't beat yourself up over it. The important thing is you'll never do it

again. Oh, I certainly won't. I just thank God I wasn't caught.

Never felt so alive, huh?

200 hours of community service just for lifting one lousy tweezer.