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Helen, Helen, you're not going to
believe what I witnessed last night.
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What? I was over at the town pharmacy,
standing at the cosmetics counter, you
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know, checking out the new tweezers.
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Tweezers? You tweeze?
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What do you tweeze?
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Well, don't I tweeze?
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I never tweeze.
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Yeah, I know.
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Anyway, I'm at the counter, and I see
Faye standing at the other end, but she
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doesn't see me.
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So then all of a sudden, I spot her take
a lipstick off the counter and place it
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in her purse.
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What? What are you saying? Faith stole a
lipstick? I haven't seen hands work that
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fast since I got rolled at my cousin's
wedding.
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All right, Tonya, don't be ridiculous.
We're talking about Faith here. I'm sure
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there's a reasonable explanation for
what happened.
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Hi, Faith.
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Hi. Is that a new shade of lipstick?
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Oh, yes, it is. I was in the store and
it just called out to me.
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Yeah, it said, make your move, the
security guy's in the can.
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Look at her over there.
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Sweet, lovable, innocent Faye.
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What a front.
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Antonio, stop it. You and I both know
Faye is not a thief.
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Is she?
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No, no, of course not.
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Where are you going?
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I saw her casing my locker.
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One turn of a bobby pin, and I'm out of
clean undershirt and a Baywatch thermos.
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Hey, Helen, you forgot to give me your
wedding ring. If I'm going to get your
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jewelry appraised, I'm going to need all
of it. Oh, right.
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Hi, Faye.
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Your lipstick?
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Oh, yeah, it was a steal.
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What have you got there?
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Uh, nothing. Oh, no, it's Helen's
jewelry. I'm taking it to be appraised.
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Oh, can I see? Sure.
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Take a gander at them poils.
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00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:05,240
What do you think they'd look on me? Oh,
just sensational.
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00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:09,479
Yeah. Boy, you can wear anything, Faye.
Oh, and how about these matching
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00:02:09,479 --> 00:02:12,880
earrings? Oh, let me see. Oh, they just
look adorable on you.
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Helen, what's wrong with you? You seem a
little jumpy. Oh, no, I'm not jumpy at
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all. Don't be ridiculous.
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Get these out of here and if she follows
you, swallow them. We can always go to
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the appraiser next week.
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Hey.
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Look at me, Joe. Look at me.
48
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Look at me. Look at me.
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I'm a dinosaur.
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I'm extinct.
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First there was Neanderthal man, then
there was Cro-Magnon man, and one day,
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when they excavate a TGI Fridays,
they'll find me.
53
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,400
Single man!
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Is this going to be a long rant? I just
need to know so I can plan my day.
55
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This is an invitation to my last single
friend's wedding.
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I mean, who'd have thought that Dave
McCall would get married before me, huh?
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00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:05,280
Dave McCall is getting married?
58
00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:09,620
That's weird. I didn't get an
invitation, and you met Dave through me.
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00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:13,120
It makes me think that life is sort of
passing me by, you know? Oh, well, I'm
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00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:15,060
sure my invitation's in the mail. I'll
probably get it tomorrow.
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Actually, mine came a week ago. I just
opened this today.
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A week ago?
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00:03:20,780 --> 00:03:24,480
How come a guy like Dave McCall can
settle down and I can't? I mean,
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remember his nickname?
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00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,060
Dave Hadamall McCall?
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I gave him that nickname.
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The invitation said, Brian Hackett and
guest.
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00:03:36,180 --> 00:03:39,180
There ain't no and guest in my life.
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You know what this means. I'm going to
be seated at the sad singles table.
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00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:49,620
It'll be me, a couple of portly cousins,
and his uncle Bobby, the confirmed
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bachelor.
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00:03:53,710 --> 00:03:57,050
I don't get this. You know, Dave and I
are good friends. After college, we
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drove cross-country together. We ate
beans out of a can. We slept in a Vega
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hatchback. You don't get closer than
that.
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00:04:03,890 --> 00:04:06,350
Hey, is anybody else gonna go to this
McCall thing?
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You're invited, too? I didn't even know
you knew Dave. Yeah, I met him at your
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wedding.
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00:04:17,510 --> 00:04:20,450
At the Hoover Dam, we smoked a doobie
and couldn't feel our legs.
79
00:04:26,950 --> 00:04:27,950
You know what?
80
00:04:28,250 --> 00:04:29,970
This invitation is a wake-up call.
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00:04:30,250 --> 00:04:31,750
If Dave can do it, so can I.
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00:04:31,990 --> 00:04:36,690
From this moment on, no more one-night
stands, no more frivolous relationships.
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00:04:37,250 --> 00:04:40,090
I want to find someone who... Finishes
your sentences.
84
00:04:40,470 --> 00:04:41,510
Right. Right.
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00:04:42,170 --> 00:04:45,890
Someone who on a Sunday morning you
can... Cuddle with and be the newspaper.
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00:04:47,650 --> 00:04:51,650
Right. Someone... You can share your
future with and build your hopes and
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your dreams.
88
00:04:52,290 --> 00:04:53,290
Exactly.
89
00:04:58,309 --> 00:05:00,830
I better go look for that gift.
90
00:05:04,870 --> 00:05:05,870
What do you think, Joe?
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00:05:06,710 --> 00:05:09,470
Is somebody out there for me, or am I
too late?
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00:05:09,750 --> 00:05:12,570
I sucked rattlesnake venom out of his
leg and dead body.
93
00:05:14,070 --> 00:05:15,290
I'm hurting, man.
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00:05:15,530 --> 00:05:18,790
You? You know what venom tastes like?
I'll tell you right now. Not chicken.
95
00:05:19,950 --> 00:05:21,430
Joe, Joe, I'm serious.
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00:05:22,390 --> 00:05:24,550
I want to get married, you know? Have
children.
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00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:26,530
I'm not getting any younger.
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00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,800
You know, I don't want to go to a Little
League game and have to tell my son that
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I missed his home run because Nurse
Nancy was changing me in the back of the
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minivan.
101
00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:38,980
Well, Brian, I hope you get what you
want.
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Because there's nothing as rewarding as
a relationship where the bond is so
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strong, words don't need to be spoken.
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I thought I had that with Dave.
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No. I went down to the post office and
made them look again.
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And when they couldn't find it, I asked
them very nicely if I
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might sift through a few bins.
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And when they said no, I became what
Sergeant Robbins described as
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belligerent.
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She thought she was so tough.
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00:06:23,940 --> 00:06:27,820
You've got to calm down. You're
completely overreacting.
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All right, okay.
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00:06:29,930 --> 00:06:30,930
What are you doing?
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Faye's about to take a break. I've got
way too much cash lying around.
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Joke, joke.
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You're not going to believe what just
happened.
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My invitation came.
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Well, not yet.
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Anyway, remember how I said that I
wanted to look for a woman with my
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heart? You know, well, I found her. I
found her, and you'll never guess where.
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On our plane, man, on the Boston run, we
made a connection. She's special, Joey.
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Really? What's she look like?
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See? Now you sound like the old me.
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I mean, what's the difference what she
looks like?
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I mean, looks are so overrated anyway.
That's always been my problem. It's
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what's in here that counts.
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00:07:18,030 --> 00:07:20,870
Hey, Brian. It was nice to meet you.
Yeah, it was nice meeting you, too. So,
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um, see you tonight?
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Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Great.
You, too.
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00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:37,760
That's the woman you found by looking
with your heart?
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Uh-huh, so?
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I love you, Brian. Don't ever change.
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What are you doing that for?
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Come on, I can't believe I almost fell
for it. I want a deeper relationship.
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I want to get married. I've changed.
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Well, I have.
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Oh, come on, Brian, face it. You don't
date women, you date bodies. You see a
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pretty face, you move right in. Now
admit it, you're going to sleep with her
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and move on. And that's okay.
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That's Brian. Just don't tell me that
you've changed.
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I'm an usher at Dave's wedding.
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What?
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Hurts, doesn't it?
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I think.
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I can't believe you picked this place.
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Is it all right?
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Are you kidding?
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I've been waiting to come here forever.
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It's like you read my mind.
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Go on.
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Read it again.
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Well, okay.
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Let's see.
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He's cute, he's funny, and if that's not
a hair weave, I'll marry him.
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So, Brian, tell me everything about
yourself.
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00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:59,090
Well... Oh, my God, I cannot believe I
just said that.
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That sounds like such a first-day
cliché. Hey, hey, hey.
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00:09:03,130 --> 00:09:06,130
Clichés are clichés because they're
true.
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00:09:08,550 --> 00:09:13,530
Okay, now, uh, all about myself. All
right, well, let's see. I was, uh, born
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and raised here. Oh, my God!
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What?
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Prestics! I love Prestics!
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Hold on.
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Okay, uh... Uh, where was I? Oh, uh,
okay. Uh, yeah, um, well... I'm a pilot,
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and I'm obviously single.
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But more importantly, I've been doing a
lot of soul-searching lately, and I've
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come to the realization that I want to
settle down with someone, and I want
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some permanence in my life.
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So what about you?
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I'm a temp.
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I float from job to job, and I love it.
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Uh-huh. Okay.
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Okay. Well, that's like a cousin of
permanence.
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00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:04,840
You are so funny, Bri Bri.
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00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,440
What did you just call me?
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Bri Bri.
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00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,380
Is it okay if I call you Bri Bri?
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Why, why?
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It's just a thing I do.
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00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:21,640
I like to give nicknames to people that
I care about.
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It kind of makes me feel closer to them.
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00:10:27,140 --> 00:10:32,040
Well then, Bri Bri would be honored if
you called him.
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00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,300
Bride, bride.
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00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:39,440
Anyway, bride, bride, there's something
I really need to ask you. Danny, I want
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us both to be completely open and honest
with each other, okay? So you just, you
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00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:44,520
ask me anything.
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Okay.
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00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:47,700
Can I have your breadsticks?
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Oh, that's good.
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00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:53,160
No, really, ask me.
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00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:54,920
Again?
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00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:57,760
All right.
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00:10:58,160 --> 00:10:59,700
Can I have your breadsticks?
194
00:11:02,199 --> 00:11:05,120
Seriously, you really like them sticks,
huh?
195
00:11:05,420 --> 00:11:07,080
I just love them.
196
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,200
Oh, my God!
197
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,220
It's all right. Don't panic. Here you
go.
198
00:11:17,100 --> 00:11:19,500
It's a song. It's so moving.
199
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,480
I just love it. Yeah, yeah. That's a
great song.
200
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:49,720
glad you asked me out you are yeah i
mean it's really hard to find a nice guy
201
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:56,020
and even though we just met i feel like
you and i have a lot in common yeah well
202
00:11:56,020 --> 00:12:02,220
maybe we do um for instance tomorrow's
sunday you know and and uh you know
203
00:12:02,220 --> 00:12:08,180
what's great to do on a sunday morning
no why well what's what's great to do on
204
00:12:08,180 --> 00:12:10,460
a sunday morning is to cuddle with
someone and uh
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00:12:12,620 --> 00:12:13,620
And what?
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00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,800
Read the Sunday news.
207
00:13:07,180 --> 00:13:08,180
this tune.
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00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:12,140
Love lift us up where we were wrong.
209
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:15,480
Where the eagles die.
210
00:13:15,980 --> 00:13:22,280
Oh, look.
211
00:13:22,820 --> 00:13:29,320
A Monet was stolen last night from the
Boston Museum of Fine Art.
212
00:13:30,580 --> 00:13:32,500
Anybody know what Fay was up to?
213
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:37,380
Won't you just go over there and ask her
exactly what happened? happen in that
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00:13:37,380 --> 00:13:38,920
drugstore. All right, all right.
215
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:40,800
What am I going to say?
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00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:43,980
Well, you're her friend. You'll find the
right word.
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00:13:51,220 --> 00:13:55,320
This lovely lipstick, Faye. Oh, thank
you. Why'd you steal it?
218
00:13:57,220 --> 00:14:01,480
What? Are you accusing me of stealing a
$2 lipstick?
219
00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:05,060
Now that I say it out loud, it does seem
ridiculous.
220
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:06,420
I mean... Well, you're right.
221
00:14:06,970 --> 00:14:07,970
I did steal it.
222
00:14:08,370 --> 00:14:09,370
You did?
223
00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:10,850
Why, Faye?
224
00:14:11,010 --> 00:14:12,690
It was the rush, baby, the rush.
225
00:14:14,670 --> 00:14:17,870
I was standing in that store with the
lipstick in my hand, and suddenly I
226
00:14:17,870 --> 00:14:20,330
thought, what if I don't pay for it and
just stick it in my bag?
227
00:14:20,570 --> 00:14:24,350
And the more I thought about it, the
more my heart started beating, my palms
228
00:14:24,350 --> 00:14:26,550
were sweating. I never felt so alive.
229
00:14:27,930 --> 00:14:32,790
So I lifted it. I walked out into the
sunshine, put on my crimson crush, and
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00:14:32,790 --> 00:14:33,790
never looked back.
231
00:14:36,590 --> 00:14:39,250
The important thing is you feel all that
remorse.
232
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,670
Yeah. Yeah, remorse.
233
00:14:50,310 --> 00:14:52,010
Hey, Roy. What you got there?
234
00:14:52,910 --> 00:14:54,910
It's a wedding gift for that friend of
yours.
235
00:14:55,210 --> 00:14:56,210
What's his name?
236
00:14:57,290 --> 00:14:59,270
David Thornton Patrick McCall.
237
00:15:03,980 --> 00:15:08,040
were registered. 200 items on the list.
The only gift left was this bread maker.
238
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:10,820
Man, who isn't going to that wedding?
239
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:26,740
What's with your leg? Oh, well, last
night Danny and I went country western
240
00:15:26,740 --> 00:15:31,260
dancing and some CPA in lizard boots
kicked me during the cowboy cha-cha.
241
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:33,860
Country and western dancing?
242
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,200
You?
243
00:15:35,380 --> 00:15:37,380
Wow, sex must really be worth it.
244
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,780
When did life turn you so cynical?
245
00:15:42,660 --> 00:15:46,100
The day I sat on my front porch waiting
for an envelope that never came.
246
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:51,060
Well, first of all, that's just very
sad.
247
00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:56,920
And second, uh, Danny and I haven't even
slept together yet. Oh, come on, Brian.
248
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,540
It's true. I'm just taking it slow. I
want to get to know her first.
249
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:05,480
You're serious, aren't you? Yeah, I am.
I mean, I never took the time to get to
250
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:09,100
know a woman, and now that I have, I
tell you, it makes all the difference in
251
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:10,100
the world.
252
00:16:10,420 --> 00:16:11,420
Wow.
253
00:16:11,820 --> 00:16:16,600
I guess I owe you an apology. What can I
say, man? I hope she's the one. I hate
254
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:17,600
her!
255
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:20,900
What? Hate her!
256
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,040
Hate, hate.
257
00:16:23,940 --> 00:16:28,880
She is the most annoying human being on
Earth. I hate the way she calls me Bri
258
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:32,820
-Bri. I hate the way she sings the wrong
lyrics. Love lift us up where we were
259
00:16:32,820 --> 00:16:33,820
wrong.
260
00:16:34,780 --> 00:16:40,440
Oh, I hate with the baby talk. No, no,
no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. I don't
261
00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:42,700
care how sexy she is. She's never going
to finish my sentences.
262
00:16:43,660 --> 00:16:46,740
That's it. I need to not be with her
anymore.
263
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:48,640
Look, Brian.
264
00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:51,320
Please, no, spare me. I know what you're
going to say. Brian, you haven't changed
265
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:54,680
a bit. Well, I don't care. No, no, I was
going to say that you have changed. The
266
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,420
old Brian wouldn't have cared how
annoying she was. You just would have
267
00:16:57,420 --> 00:16:59,340
tuned it out and slept with her anyway.
No.
268
00:16:59,710 --> 00:17:01,030
I know it was a gift.
269
00:17:05,410 --> 00:17:11,310
So, uh, what are you gonna do? Well, I'm
supposed to see her tonight, but what do
270
00:17:11,310 --> 00:17:12,569
you think? I'm gonna go over there and
end it.
271
00:17:13,369 --> 00:17:14,369
Good for you.
272
00:17:14,710 --> 00:17:18,069
Oh, and listen, since, um, you and Danny
aren't seeing each other anymore...
273
00:17:18,069 --> 00:17:19,990
Forget it. I'm not taking you to the
wedding with me.
274
00:17:30,330 --> 00:17:31,330
Helen? Dave!
275
00:17:31,930 --> 00:17:35,950
Hi, how are you? Well, pretty upset. I
just found this in my car.
276
00:17:36,410 --> 00:17:39,150
It must have slipped under the seat when
I went to mail all my wedding
277
00:17:39,150 --> 00:17:41,390
invitations. Oh, so that's what happened
to it.
278
00:17:41,670 --> 00:17:44,090
I hope you and Joe didn't think that you
weren't invited.
279
00:17:44,310 --> 00:17:45,750
Oh, no, no, no, no.
280
00:17:46,290 --> 00:17:48,550
Boy, he just thought it was some silly
mix-up.
281
00:17:48,770 --> 00:17:51,410
You guys are close friends. You know
what he thinks of you.
282
00:17:52,590 --> 00:17:53,750
Leave a message at the beep.
283
00:17:55,170 --> 00:17:56,170
Hi, Dave.
284
00:17:57,810 --> 00:17:59,210
Selfish, pathetic freak!
285
00:17:59,690 --> 00:18:02,670
You remember me, Joe Hackett, the guy
that wasn't invited to your stupid
286
00:18:02,670 --> 00:18:05,870
wedding? You know, I should have just
turned the other way and let that
287
00:18:05,870 --> 00:18:09,290
motorcycle gang in Flagstaff pass you
around like they wanted to.
288
00:18:11,070 --> 00:18:15,250
But no, I had to pull the Vega around
and trade you for all my beer.
289
00:18:16,050 --> 00:18:17,130
Oh, by the way...
290
00:18:17,420 --> 00:18:19,700
Your wedding is a farce, yeah. All your
friends know it.
291
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:24,560
And we got a little pool going. The odds
right now are five to one. She cheats on
292
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:27,160
you in the first year, you pathetic,
sorry loser.
293
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,600
So in case it hasn't sunk in yet, I hate
your guts.
294
00:18:36,980 --> 00:18:38,480
Dave? Hey, buddy.
295
00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:39,900
Guess what I have.
296
00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:41,100
Ah.
297
00:19:07,110 --> 00:19:10,670
It's such a good idea if we go out. You
know, I was thinking the same thing.
298
00:19:11,730 --> 00:19:12,549
You were?
299
00:19:12,550 --> 00:19:16,670
Yeah. I think it's time we, uh, stayed
in.
300
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:17,990
Oh, yes?
301
00:19:18,430 --> 00:19:19,430
Oh, yes.
302
00:19:19,730 --> 00:19:20,730
All righty.
303
00:19:21,170 --> 00:19:24,930
Look, Danny, I really have something I
have to talk to you about.
304
00:19:26,930 --> 00:19:27,930
What is it?
305
00:19:28,670 --> 00:19:29,670
What is what?
306
00:19:31,870 --> 00:19:33,390
Oh. Bye-bye.
307
00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:35,390
Okay, I think it just came back to me.
308
00:19:39,370 --> 00:19:43,170
Been thinking an awful lot about our
relationship. So have I.
309
00:19:43,570 --> 00:19:47,070
And I am so glad we took the time out to
get to know each other.
310
00:19:47,650 --> 00:19:50,750
That's why I feel so right.
311
00:19:51,010 --> 00:19:52,010
Oh, right.
312
00:19:52,170 --> 00:19:53,170
So right.
313
00:19:53,470 --> 00:19:54,530
All righty.
314
00:19:55,610 --> 00:19:56,610
Righty-dighty.
315
00:20:13,130 --> 00:20:14,350
This isn't right.
316
00:20:16,770 --> 00:20:21,590
Well, what isn't right?
317
00:20:22,450 --> 00:20:23,450
Huh?
318
00:20:25,090 --> 00:20:27,170
What? Who said that? I'll kill them.
319
00:20:29,050 --> 00:20:32,550
You know, I think I know what you mean
about this not being right.
320
00:20:32,890 --> 00:20:33,890
You do?
321
00:20:33,930 --> 00:20:34,930
Yeah.
322
00:20:35,450 --> 00:20:38,530
I think we should take this into the
bedroom.
323
00:20:38,890 --> 00:20:39,890
Oh.
324
00:20:43,850 --> 00:20:46,490
Here we go. Come on, Brian.
325
00:20:48,130 --> 00:20:52,270
I'm sorry. I really have to tell you
something.
326
00:20:53,310 --> 00:20:57,170
My God, you're the sexiest, most
beautiful woman I've ever been with.
327
00:20:58,450 --> 00:21:00,490
But lately I've been doing a lot of soul
searching.
328
00:21:00,870 --> 00:21:05,230
And I really need to change the pattern
of my life.
329
00:21:06,070 --> 00:21:09,890
It's just better for my growth as an
individual. I don't want to be the old
330
00:21:09,890 --> 00:21:12,930
Brian anymore. What I'm trying to say
is...
331
00:21:15,210 --> 00:21:16,550
This is harder for me than I thought.
332
00:21:17,050 --> 00:21:19,150
Do you have a glass of... Water?
333
00:21:20,350 --> 00:21:21,350
Did you say water?
334
00:21:21,810 --> 00:21:22,810
Yeah.
335
00:21:24,070 --> 00:21:25,390
You finished my sentence.
336
00:21:25,870 --> 00:21:26,870
So?
337
00:21:27,210 --> 00:21:28,210
Works for me!
338
00:21:50,570 --> 00:21:54,590
I can't believe I actually shoplifted
just for a cheap thrill.
339
00:21:54,970 --> 00:21:57,810
Oh, don't beat yourself up over it. The
important thing is you'll never do it
340
00:21:57,810 --> 00:22:00,910
again. Oh, I certainly won't. I just
thank God I wasn't caught.
341
00:22:02,490 --> 00:22:04,190
Never felt so alive, huh?
342
00:22:05,370 --> 00:22:09,590
200 hours of community service just for
lifting one lousy tweezer.
25954
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