Original subtitles

Excuse me. I hate to bother you, but is this seat taken?

It's all yours.

Thank you.

Whoa.

Pardon me?

Whoa, that's good coffee.

Okay, if it's that good, I'll have to order some.

So, uh...

What are you reading?

Oh, uh, the collected works of Dylan Thomas.

Ah.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Old age should burn and rave at the close of day.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

I'm impressed.

Don't be. I read it off the book jacket.

He sounds like a wonderful writer. Oh, he is.

I have a complete leather-bound collection of all of his poems.

My father gave it to me for my graduation.

Huh. My father gave me a mule.

Well, he must have had a hell of a time wrapping it.

Not really. You know, once you do the ears, the rest is clear sailing.

So, when you're not reciting poetry, what do you do? I'm a cabinet minister.

You know.

Local government, tariffs, treaties, peace settlements.

On Nantucket? Hey, we're a warlike people.

Okay. I'm a cab driver.

I was just trying to impress you.

You already have.

I'm Antonio Scarpacci.

Hi. Antonio, can I see you in my office for a second?

I don't think so.

This can't wait.

Kind of busy right now. It is an emergency.

Okay. Okay.

Be right back.

This better be important. Trust me, it is.

Okay, okay. What's the emergency?

Need help moving my file cabinet.

What?

Too heavy for me to move by myself.

Now, come on. On the count of three. Ready?

One, two, three.

Okay, stop. That's it. Perfect.

Yeah, I know, but it was askew.

Isn't it amazing how something like that can throw off your whole day?

Yes, and you know, I only wish I could stay and slap you senseless, but...

There's a goddess waiting for me in the terminal.

There

was

a woman here.

Did you see her?

Oh, God.

Oh, she's gone.

She's gone. Where is she?

Who's gone?

Oh, there was a woman. She liked me. She was pretty.

She liked me.

She was smart and she'd talk about a poet. Did I mention she liked me?

Antonio, I don't understand. If she liked you so much, what made you walk

away?

and it was dead.

Oh, Antonio, any luck? I can't believe it. I fantasized about a moment like

this a thousand times. Meeting a beautiful stranger, you know, making a

connection. And now it finally happens, and she's gone.

Well, Antonio, I'm not trying to burst your bubble, but isn't it possible that

she was just... Making small talk, you know, being polite.

Hey, I know polite.

Polite is stop ringing my doorbell, I have a baseball bat and I'm not afraid

to use it.

No, no, no, no, no.

She liked me.

Now I don't even know her name because she's gone.

There must be some way to track her down.

I remember she had an overnight bag with her, so she must have come in on a

flight. Well, if it's any help, she couldn't have come in on Sandpiper,

because Brian's still in Boston.

Look, Antonio, even if you don't find her, it's not the end of the world.

There are other women.

No, there are no other women.

She's out there on this island somewhere, and if God is my judge, I

will find her.

Oh, and by the way, if I don't, you're giving me Helen.

Roy, quick.

I met this great woman, and she just... He just disappeared. So I need your

passenger list from your last flight. Oh, I'm sorry, Scarpacci.

FAA regulations specifically state that to you. All right, here's 30, 50, 56.

That's all I've got.

All right, here's the list. And take back five bucks. You need walking around

money.

Mustache wax, large bottle of hair oil, support hose. Oops, sorry, wrong list.

about your brief encounter yesterday. Did you find it? No, not yet. And, Roy,

your passenger list was a complete bust.

Not even first names, just initials. Turns out A.

Muchnick had eight screaming kids and was every inch a Muchnick.

Here, this one. M. Rossi, down on his luck, medical instrument salesman, tried

to sell me a rib spreader.

From there, it just got spooky.

Well, at least you tried. You know, sometimes... Things aren't meant to be.

Well, this was meant to be until your husband, Knucklehead Smith, yanked me

from my destiny.

Well, anyway, I refuse to give up.

I put a personal ad in the paper here.

To the angel I shared a magic moment with yesterday in the Nantucket airport,

I must... See you again. Please meet me at our table. Do not go gentle into that

good night without me, Antonio.

Oh, that's sweet.

Oh, please. That is so lame.

No woman is going to go for that.

You should have used one of my surefire personals.

French count with hot tub looking to make a little bouillabaisse.

How about this one?

Texas oil man likes it crude.

Exactly.

Roy, Roy, these ads aren't going to help me find my magic moment. Hey, with these

ads, I have found multiple magic moments.

Precisely.

I kind of feel sorry for Antonio.

Why? Guy falls in love with a drop of fat.

Well, at least he tries. You don't even try anymore.

I don't have to.

I can plot the entire relationship just by looking at a woman.

Oh, please.

Okay.

See that blonde talking to Faye?

Yeah, what about her? All right, let's see what we got here.

Laptop, alligator briefcase, defensive suit, talking to Faye like she's

addressing a jury.

I'm guessing a high-powered lawyer.

Funky little third earring shows me why she'd be interested in a long-haired

pilot. We sleep together immediately, but the whole thing blows up in a trendy

cappuccino bar.

But she makes a big scene and reveals she's bulimic.

Yeah, right. You can predict your entire relationship just by looking at her.

Uh, Brian, that woman over there says she's a lawyer and she has to be in

court in one hour. If you don't get her to Boston on time, she said, and I

quote, she'll sue your butt.

Okay, but that doesn't mean she'll go out with you.

Yeah, she also said it's a cute butt.

And would you like to join her for a cappuccino after jury selection?

Precisely.

I didn't miss her, did I? She hasn't come by. Oh, and Tony, I don't know what

she looks like, but the ad's only been in the paper all day.

Yeah, well, I think I'll just wait for her at our table.

That's where my magic moment is sure to come looking for me.

Well, don't get your hopes up, because maybe she won't show.

Antonio? Not going to show, huh?

Yow!

Oh, darling, I thought I'd lost you.

It's me.

Yesterday, the airport.

I'm back, baby.

Must be some mistake. Ah, no mistake. Thanks, three cakes. I'm Magic Moment.

Come on, my family's dying to meet you. They're in the car.

But... Come

on,

people. I can't do this by myself.

Antonio, it's late.

We've been over this a thousand times.

And we'll go over it a thousand more.

One.

Antonio meets a beautiful girl. Two.

Perhaps his future wife.

Three. Joe makes him move the stupid cabinet.

Four. And forever ruins his life.

All right, people, focus, focus.

Now, from my conversation with her, we know that she's Helen. CPA.

Casey. With an interest in poetry. Brian. Who drinks with a left hand. Roy.

And likes to talk about her father.

Conclusion, fake.

We have a smartass. A Southpaw bean counter with a daddy complex.

This is hopeless.

Casey, how's that sketch of her coming?

Finished.

What the hell is that? That's a caricature.

Hey, it's the only way I know how to draw.

Besides, I think it captures the essence of the woman. She's on skis.

Excuse, I don't know how to draw feet.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. You know, it does kind of look like her. Great, now we can go. No,

no, no. I need more leads.

Oh, no, look, I've had enough. Listen, Antonio, this is your magic moment.

Don't you remember any details, like her hair?

Brown. Oh, okay. What about her dress?

Had flowers on it.

Oh, come on. I'm a man. I mean, what do I know about these things?

From what I saw, it was a tan slingback pump with a two-and-a-half-inch Louis

XIV heel and a matte gold buckle.

It's not like I got a very good look.

Oh, wait a minute. I know those shoes. You can only get them at Bruno Forelli's

in Boston.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What? She wore them with a floral print? That is so tacky.

All right, so we've got a picture and a shoe store. Joe, tomorrow we'll fly to

Boston and check it out. Why do I have to go?

Because he forever ruins his life.

Okay. Good work, people. Let's call it a night.

And remember, be careful out there.

Hey, Brian, come here.

I've been checking out that woman. I think she's perfect for you.

Uh, never work. Oh, no. Come on. I've been practicing all the things you

taught me. Just hear me out. All right. Make your case.

Okay.

She's an attractive woman, but not in a high-maintenance way, so you both have

time to talk about you.

Small laugh lines around the eyes, sense of humor, casual shoulder bag, not a

briefcase, so she's got a job, but she's not obsessed about it. In short, she's

Brian Hackett material. Call the caterer. Book the hall.

But you do not see.

What? What did I miss?

Her jacket.

The slight discoloration on the left shoulder, what does that tell you?

She's got a lousy dry cleaner. No.

Look, she's not wearing any jewelry at all.

Why?

Because she's cheap. She has no taste and she can't accessorize.

Who does she fear?

A burglar.

Think smaller. A tiny burglar.

Put it all together.

Discoloration on the left shoulder, fear of someone pulling off jewelry.

Baby, she's a single mom. And therefore... She won't have any time for

your needs because we know how selfish you are, so you don't want to get

involved at all.

You have learned much, and yet there is much to learn.

How'd it go in Boston?

We have a name. Reed. Ariel Reed. Cute. Any other leads? She bought high-end

jogging shoes. There's only one place on the island for a serious runner to work

out. Pilgrim's Park.

Right. We're on it. Let's move.

All right. We're in luck. Two jelly donuts.

Which one do you want? Red or purple?

Stay away. Stay away. She could have passed right by here. Now pull out.

Look, Antonio,

how much longer are we going to keep this up? We have covered every square

inch of this island. We put a poster on every tree, every telephone pole, and

every store window.

I'm tired.

I had a bad burrito.

You can only push a man so far before he starts to crack.

Do I have to remind you that it's because of you that she's gone? You're

getting out of control. I am not out of control.

Attention, citizens.

If you have knowledge of Ariel Reed, please contact me immediately.

There is a cash reward.

Antonio, I don't mean to be negative here, but you're going to have to ask

yourself, what happens if you don't... What happens if you...

Careful.

What happens if you don't find it? There, I said it. Now, you think this is

all just ridiculous, huh? You don't understand. What happened to me

yesterday doesn't happen to me. We made a connection.

It was only five minutes.

Why was it only five minutes?

I said I was sorry.

Pull over.

Don't listen to him, Joe. What are you talking about? We'll wind up in jail.

I said pull over.

We heard...

let's top this wonderful evening off with a delightful body cavity search.

All right, you two. Why don't you head for home before I have to take you down

to the station?

We have laws against soliciting.

Oh, no, no, no, no, officer. It was nothing like that.

We were just offering people money to find a woman.

All right, out of the car.

No, no, no, officer, please. Let me explain here. You see, my friend met a

woman at the airport the other day and...

She left before he could get her phone number, and now he's desperate to find

her.

Okay, okay, but I still want you to leave the area.

If you see the woman on this flyer, call us, please.

A skier, huh?

She's got kind of a big face for her body.

It's a theme in my life.

Thank you, officer.

Now, we have tried everything.

No, not everything.

We haven't tried this.

Citizens of Nantucket, we are under alien attack.

Okay, now that I've gotten your attention, there was a woman. She liked

me.

Okay, Brian, check her out.

Twirling a phantom ring on her finger. Recently divorced.

Donna Karan's suit. Took her ex to the cleaners. Frown lines around her eyes.

Bitter. The next guy that dates her is gonna pay. This one's a no-brainer.

Pass.

I'm impressed.

You no longer need me.

You... You can pick up women on your own.

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go ask her out.

Wait. Wait, what are you talking about? The clothes, the ring, we agreed. She's

all wrong for you. Who cares?

She's beautiful. If I listened to myself, I'd never get any.

Hey,

bright-eyed, look alive.

You know where I can find an Antonio Scrapacci?

That's Scarpacci. What's this in reference to?

What are you, his social secretary?

Just skip the lip and finger him for me.

Okay, okay.

It's that mug over there crying into a cup of java.

Thanks.

See you in the funny papers.

Scrappagee.

I'm Antonio Scarpagee.

You want the lowdown on the little dish on skis?

I can find Ariel?

Not so fast. How do we know this dame's on the level?

I bunk at the boarding house where she's staying.

And when new talent checks in, this dish notices.

How do we know she's the real good? And why am I talking this way?

There ain't nothing wrong with these blinkers.

It's her all right.

Okay, okay. Then make with the address.

Not until I see some scratch.

You two stop doing that.

I'll stop if she does.

Just fork over the reward money.

You heard her, Joe. Fork over the reward money. Keep your shirt on.

Okay, dollface, here's a sawbuck. Now make like a canary and sink.

She said 112 Navy Street, room 5. Okay, sister, scram.

I'm gone, I'm gone.

Huh? So, so, what do you think now?

She may have some miles on her, but she's got a walk I can feel in my left

pocket.

Who is it?

It's me, Antonio.

I just took out an ad in the paper, flew to Boston, tracked down a shoe store,

staked out a jogging track, called your name through a bullhorn and put your

picture up all over town. It's no big deal.

What? My picture's up all over town?

I just could not rest until I found you again.

And neither could we.

Please don't shoot. I swear I'm legal.

Easy, Gretchen.

Gretchen? No, no, there must be some mistake.

You've got the wrong woman. Her name is Ariel.

No, it isn't. It's Gretchen Tyler, and she's wanted for embezzling $100,000

from the Boston Savings and Loan.

Ariel, is this true?

I want a lawyer.

Thanks, buddy.

If it wasn't for you and your posters, we never would have tracked her down.

Huh.

Let's go.

I don't care how long they send you away for. I'll wait.

Don't worry.

find you.

What's with all the heat?

Oh, I get it.

Spending your little dirt up the river, huh?

A tough break.

You know what you need?

A shot of bourbon and a friendly shoulder to cry on, and I got both.

You all right, Johnny?

What are you gonna do, dames?

So in the same week that my mother had the gallstones removed, my father had a

double hernia operation.

And to make matters really worse, the girl that does my nails got deported.

So what are you reading?

Oh, I read anything with Fabio on the cover.

Stories of torture, the love and the romance and the antebellum stuff.

Hey, are you looking at the book jacket?

Antonio, can I see you in my office for a second? You got it.