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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:02:57,220 --> 00:02:59,266 - Luxury. - Luxury. 2 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,268 - Opulence. - Opulence. 3 00:03:01,442 --> 00:03:03,226 - Hot people. - Hot people. 4 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,663 Here on the Glamazonian Express, 5 00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:09,101 every journey is the height of extravagance 6 00:03:09,276 --> 00:03:11,191 and wasteful excess. 7 00:03:12,409 --> 00:03:15,891 - Oops. - ♪ Glamazonian ♪ 8 00:03:16,065 --> 00:03:18,720 There's more where that came from. 9 00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:21,810 You can't beat Glamazonian's five-star service. 10 00:03:21,984 --> 00:03:22,984 I'll take this one. 11 00:03:23,638 --> 00:03:25,596 ♪ Smoke ♪ 12 00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:28,338 I love my wife and kids, 13 00:03:28,512 --> 00:03:31,080 but Glamazonian helps me get away once in a while. 14 00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:33,909 Sometimes you just need a weekend with the boys. 15 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:35,103 - What's your name? - ♪ Dudes ♪ 16 00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:36,694 Don't answer that. 17 00:03:36,868 --> 00:03:38,914 Because we're not just America's 18 00:03:39,088 --> 00:03:41,525 first transcontinental bullet train. 19 00:03:41,699 --> 00:03:43,266 We're your family. 20 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,573 If your family was a bunch of rich, 21 00:03:45,747 --> 00:03:48,837 successful ladies in shoulder pads. 22 00:03:49,011 --> 00:03:51,231 - ♪ Shoulder pads ♪ - Glamazonian Express. 23 00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,929 Travel Glamazoniously. 24 00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:56,758 Look at them. They're perfect. 25 00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:58,977 Could you imagine us like that, 26 00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:01,328 traveling the country in a skirt suit? 27 00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:04,679 Finally in a high-speed line. No more commuter rail. 28 00:04:04,853 --> 00:04:06,985 Staying in luxury hotels. 29 00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:09,466 Like a ski chalet in Aspen. 30 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,599 Where a couple muscled-up Swiss twins 31 00:04:11,773 --> 00:04:13,905 walk up to us at the hot tub, and they're like, 32 00:04:14,079 --> 00:04:15,864 "Maybe we should take this party upstairs." 33 00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:17,605 Oh, but then we're like, "Sorry, boys. 34 00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:20,042 We are both married to men who work in 35 00:04:20,216 --> 00:04:22,523 - commercial real estate." - Commercial real estate. 36 00:04:22,697 --> 00:04:26,788 But we have consensual kink positive sex with them anyway. 37 00:04:26,962 --> 00:04:30,835 And get this. We both reach climax at the same exact time 38 00:04:31,009 --> 00:04:34,448 while eyes locked from the twin beds in our shared room. 39 00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:36,537 Or even separate rooms. 40 00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:39,235 - Oh. - Oh. 41 00:04:39,409 --> 00:04:41,585 Yeah. Thank you. 42 00:04:41,759 --> 00:04:44,196 - Did you hear about Luann? - What a loss. 43 00:04:44,371 --> 00:04:46,503 She was the best cafe car girl out there. 44 00:04:48,592 --> 00:04:50,855 Now boarding train 16 45 00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:54,511 to Six Flags Guantanamo Bay. 46 00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:56,426 Tess and DeeDee. 47 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,361 - Hey, Barb. Checking in. - Hey, Barb. Checking in. 48 00:04:58,385 --> 00:05:00,256 Oh, busy train today, huh? 49 00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:02,388 She's really getting 50 00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:03,477 in there. 51 00:05:04,216 --> 00:05:06,306 More like no train. 52 00:05:06,958 --> 00:05:09,874 Here. They're letting us girls go. 53 00:05:10,048 --> 00:05:11,876 Shutting the whole thing down. 54 00:05:12,050 --> 00:05:14,618 What? They can't shut down a whole train line. 55 00:05:14,792 --> 00:05:16,316 They can if it's called Stank Rail, 56 00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:18,361 and only stops in three sad cities. 57 00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:20,494 One of which just got swallowed up by a mine fire 58 00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:22,583 that's been burning up for 60 years. 59 00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:24,019 Barb, what are you gonna do? 60 00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:26,064 Girl, I got a few odd jobs lined up. 61 00:05:26,238 --> 00:05:27,892 You know, a little light sex work. 62 00:05:28,066 --> 00:05:29,807 Maybe get pregnant. Maybe I'll sell my hair. 63 00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:31,853 Isn't that the plot of Les Misérables? 64 00:05:32,027 --> 00:05:35,247 Girl, I got a feeling this lez is gonna be far from miserable. 65 00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:37,946 - Barbra out. - Now boarding 66 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:42,472 train 582 to Pyongyang, North Korea. 67 00:05:42,646 --> 00:05:44,039 I'll miss this. 68 00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:48,652 Fantasizing about where everyone's traveling to. 69 00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:49,827 Like him. 70 00:05:52,308 --> 00:05:54,266 He could be going anywhere. 71 00:05:55,006 --> 00:05:56,878 Deedles, what happened to us? 72 00:05:57,487 --> 00:05:59,271 I mean, we've been doing this for what, 73 00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:01,883 like 10 years now. 74 00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:03,754 And I just thought we'd be... 75 00:06:04,668 --> 00:06:06,975 I don't know. Just, like, something. 76 00:06:09,325 --> 00:06:11,066 Know what this is? 77 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:15,331 Oh, my God. Is that our yearbook from Train Hostess Academy? 78 00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:18,421 I always keep it in my carry-on. 79 00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:23,426 Aw, look how young we were. Well, kind of. 80 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,734 DeeDee, do you remember when we first met each other 81 00:06:26,908 --> 00:06:29,954 in the showers after that luggage-lifting seminar? 82 00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:35,133 We promised each other that we would see the world together. 83 00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:38,398 You know, climb every mountain, 84 00:06:38,572 --> 00:06:40,530 ford every stream. 85 00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:44,665 See the Dakotas, both Fanning and Johnson. 86 00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:48,233 Oh, visit the world wonders like the Grand Canyon 87 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:52,673 and those four gay guys stuck on that mountain. 88 00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:56,067 And then we were gonna give birth together in Tijuana, 89 00:06:56,241 --> 00:06:58,243 you know, just to prove to everybody 90 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,221 that their healthcare system isn't really as bad 91 00:07:00,245 --> 00:07:01,899 as everybody says it is. 92 00:07:02,596 --> 00:07:06,513 Oh, we were gonna explore all the different cultures 93 00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:08,776 and countries 94 00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:11,561 and bathrooms because of your whole bladder thing. 95 00:07:15,217 --> 00:07:16,784 Glamazonian better find 96 00:07:17,045 --> 00:07:19,656 two replacements soon if those two girls don't show up. 97 00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:22,006 - Where are they? - Last time I saw them, 98 00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:24,095 they were in the ski chalet hot tub. 99 00:07:24,269 --> 00:07:26,924 They're probably still with those Swiss twins. 100 00:07:27,098 --> 00:07:29,492 Ugh. I hate twins. If you have sex with one, 101 00:07:29,666 --> 00:07:31,078 you legally have to have sex with the other 102 00:07:31,102 --> 00:07:32,495 or else you go to jail. 103 00:07:33,322 --> 00:07:35,063 Glamazonian will take anyone at this point. 104 00:07:35,237 --> 00:07:36,717 Even girls with big gums. 105 00:07:36,891 --> 00:07:40,198 Or worse, those girls from Stank Rail. 106 00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:46,596 - Don't look at me. - No. 107 00:07:46,770 --> 00:07:47,770 Okay. 108 00:07:49,991 --> 00:07:51,471 DeeDee, did you hear that? 109 00:07:51,645 --> 00:07:53,951 My doctor says it's a pressurized urethra. 110 00:07:54,125 --> 00:07:57,215 No, Glamazonian is looking for two replacements. 111 00:07:57,389 --> 00:07:58,826 Now, that could be us. 112 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,610 Tess, it's over. 113 00:08:01,219 --> 00:08:04,135 It's time to go back to working at my parents' glue factory. 114 00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:08,313 DeeDee. DeeDee, wait. 115 00:08:09,924 --> 00:08:11,839 DeeDee. No. 116 00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:16,017 Oh, come out of there. Weren't you just in here? 117 00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:17,366 I really like it in here. 118 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,239 Besides, it's not like I have anywhere else to go today. 119 00:08:21,413 --> 00:08:22,893 Don't you remember what you told me 120 00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,330 our first day of Train Hostess Academy? 121 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:28,377 "I'm only here because I don't wanna join the army"? 122 00:08:28,551 --> 00:08:29,596 The other thing. 123 00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:31,249 "My favorite spice is pudding"? 124 00:08:31,423 --> 00:08:32,423 The other thing. 125 00:08:32,468 --> 00:08:33,687 "I'm on the run 126 00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:34,992 and nobody knows I'm here"? 127 00:08:35,558 --> 00:08:37,952 The other, other thing. 128 00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:42,260 We were going to see America. 129 00:08:43,218 --> 00:08:46,308 DeeDee, this is our chance. 130 00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,795 Look. 131 00:08:57,406 --> 00:08:59,408 DeeDee, are you thinking what I'm thinking? 132 00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:02,454 "If mermaids exist, shouldn't there be mer-butlers?" 133 00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:04,500 The other thing. 134 00:09:05,414 --> 00:09:07,111 "Are all ghosts naked?" 135 00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:09,679 The other, other thing. 136 00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:10,985 "Do you wanna scissor?" 137 00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:12,159 DeeDee! 138 00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:17,078 Look. 139 00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:19,470 Uh-huh. 140 00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:21,430 Okay. You bring that over there, 141 00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:23,954 and I'll just start splitting the pants. 142 00:09:26,653 --> 00:09:28,916 This is gonna look just like their uniforms. 143 00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:34,574 We're gonna look so Glamazonian. 144 00:09:36,097 --> 00:09:37,925 We are experiencing further delays 145 00:09:38,099 --> 00:09:39,622 on the Glamazonian Express 146 00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:42,103 because two bitches decided to not show up. 147 00:09:42,277 --> 00:09:43,820 Well, they said there would be replacements. 148 00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:45,280 Where the hell are they? 149 00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:47,412 We're right here. 150 00:09:49,110 --> 00:09:50,633 What are they wearing? 151 00:09:50,807 --> 00:09:52,766 You are always so critical of other women. 152 00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:54,463 "Look at their ill-fitting uniforms." 153 00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:56,837 It looks like they were designed by Edward Scissor-fuck. 154 00:09:57,945 --> 00:09:59,425 - You know what? - I didn't mean that. 155 00:09:59,511 --> 00:10:00,512 Girls. Girls. 156 00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:01,992 Barbra. 157 00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:03,341 You work at Glamazonian now? 158 00:10:03,515 --> 00:10:05,605 Looks like we had the same idea. 159 00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:07,998 You gotta take work where you can get it, right? 160 00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:09,565 - Thank you. - Now boarding 161 00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:11,698 couples that shouldn't be together. 162 00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:13,414 - She's the one who started it. - I didn't start anything. 163 00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:14,222 Look at my face. 164 00:10:14,396 --> 00:10:15,397 Use your words. 165 00:10:15,571 --> 00:10:17,181 My words are fuck you! 166 00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:27,931 Oh. 167 00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:29,716 Luxury. 168 00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:31,934 Opulence. 169 00:10:32,980 --> 00:10:33,980 Puke. 170 00:10:35,678 --> 00:10:38,115 As in what's currently rising up in my esophagus 171 00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:41,989 while I wonder why two sad mole people are in my first class. 172 00:10:42,163 --> 00:10:44,034 - Mm-hm. - Oh. 173 00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:48,865 Look, Deedles, it's Amber from Train Hostess Academy. 174 00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:52,434 Oh, my God, Tess? It's been a minute, girl. 175 00:10:52,608 --> 00:10:55,829 I didn't recognize you with all the crow's feet and sun damage. 176 00:10:57,395 --> 00:11:00,268 And DeeDee, you look... 177 00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:02,183 completely different. 178 00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:04,794 - Thank you. - Let me guess. 179 00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:08,058 - Stroke? - No. Hi, Alli. 180 00:11:08,929 --> 00:11:09,929 And... 181 00:11:12,454 --> 00:11:14,717 Ash? Ay-ash? 182 00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:16,980 Ai-ush-li... Ash-le-gweh. 183 00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:21,202 I'm not really sure how to say it. 184 00:11:21,376 --> 00:11:24,161 Uh... Don't worry, you won't. 185 00:11:24,335 --> 00:11:26,686 It's so weird we've never worked together before. 186 00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:29,036 How long have you two been Glamazonians? 187 00:11:29,210 --> 00:11:31,038 - Oh, it's our first day. - Oh, like, like... 188 00:11:31,212 --> 00:11:33,252 - Our whole lives. Entire lives. - Our entire lives. 189 00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:34,650 Oh, sure. 190 00:11:34,824 --> 00:11:37,174 I remember coach like it was yesterday. 191 00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:39,829 Oh, wait. No, I don't. 192 00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:42,043 We were put into first class right after graduation. 193 00:11:43,572 --> 00:11:46,836 Let's just say we made a good impression. 194 00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:48,882 Oh, you slept your way to the top. 195 00:11:49,534 --> 00:11:50,927 How dare you? 196 00:11:51,101 --> 00:11:53,234 We barely slept at all. 197 00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:56,019 We were too busy having sex with powerful railroad people. 198 00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:57,238 - Yeah. - Fuck! 199 00:11:58,152 --> 00:12:01,546 You see? This is exactly why we don't talk to you two. 200 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,723 You've always been so mean to us. 201 00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:06,421 - Rude. - Alli, Ayshleiygh. 202 00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:08,162 Let's go, girls. 203 00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:10,425 Now boarding the Glamazonian Express 204 00:12:10,599 --> 00:12:13,471 non-stop to Celebration, Florida. 205 00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:17,693 Wow. They've gotten so much nicer since the academy. 206 00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:19,216 Totally. 207 00:12:19,390 --> 00:12:20,783 Oh, my God, DeeDee, look. 208 00:12:20,957 --> 00:12:22,637 Look who's getting on the train over there. 209 00:12:27,485 --> 00:12:29,400 Cal. The conductor voted 210 00:12:29,574 --> 00:12:31,838 "Number 1 Conductor We Want to See the Dick Of" 211 00:12:32,012 --> 00:12:34,797 in Conductors We Want to See the Dick Of Magazine. 212 00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:43,763 Yeah, but why is he walking so slow? 213 00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:46,374 He doesn't even know I exist. 214 00:12:46,548 --> 00:12:48,506 Oh, you should introduce yourself to him. 215 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,421 - Cal. Cal, hey! - Tess. 216 00:12:53,685 --> 00:12:56,427 Good morning, Conductor Davenport. 217 00:12:56,601 --> 00:12:58,516 Oh, morning, Cal. 218 00:12:58,690 --> 00:12:59,691 How's it hanging? 219 00:12:59,866 --> 00:13:02,477 Slightly to the left as usual. 220 00:13:02,651 --> 00:13:03,651 Fantastic. 221 00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:06,394 Good morning, passengers. 222 00:13:06,568 --> 00:13:08,744 This is your Conductor Davenport speaking. 223 00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:11,399 Welcome aboard the Glamazonian Express. 224 00:13:11,573 --> 00:13:15,272 Departing sunny Los Angeles, City of Angels, 225 00:13:15,446 --> 00:13:18,232 and one hell-spawned succubus named Sharon 226 00:13:18,406 --> 00:13:21,148 who ripped my heart out and tore me away from my kids. 227 00:13:21,322 --> 00:13:22,908 - We don't need to get into it. - We have the chicken noodle. 228 00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:23,996 - Unless you guys want to. - Beef barley. 229 00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:25,587 And my favorite, clam chowder. 230 00:13:25,761 --> 00:13:28,068 Perfect. I'll take the Denver omelet. 231 00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:30,984 Excuse me, would you mind helping me with my mother? 232 00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:33,900 - Of course. - Thank you. 233 00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:36,076 - Just grab the other side. - Oh. 234 00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:37,610 Although we started out as friends, 235 00:13:37,686 --> 00:13:39,209 it quickly became apparent 236 00:13:39,383 --> 00:13:41,429 that there was more to our relationship. 237 00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:44,127 Our love blossomed and grew during high school. 238 00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:46,651 And we decided, let's do it for real. 239 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:50,481 We got married. At first, ours was a life of bliss and joy. 240 00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:53,049 But then things started to change. 241 00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:54,529 I developed a drug habit, 242 00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:57,880 and Sharon decided she didn't want to be around that anymore. 243 00:13:58,054 --> 00:13:59,751 They had us waiting for 30 minutes, 244 00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:02,015 which is actually an hour. 245 00:14:02,189 --> 00:14:05,366 I mean, Jocelyn, you told me this was a luxury train car. 246 00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:08,021 - I highly... - Excuse me. Hi. Hi. 247 00:14:08,195 --> 00:14:09,544 This is the quiet car. 248 00:14:09,718 --> 00:14:12,199 You can take that into the loud car. 249 00:14:12,373 --> 00:14:13,896 Hold on. I can't hear you. 250 00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:16,290 - Just take it to the loud car. - I can't hear you. 251 00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:17,552 Take it to the loud car! 252 00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:18,945 Please. 253 00:14:19,162 --> 00:14:20,990 I think a train hostess just hit on me. 254 00:14:21,164 --> 00:14:22,687 - I am so hungry. - We could make it. 255 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,386 And she got pregnant. We had our son. 256 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,041 But then the drug habit escalated to me giving hand jobs 257 00:14:28,215 --> 00:14:30,260 under bridges for H. 258 00:14:30,434 --> 00:14:32,436 The "H" stands for "heroin." 259 00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:35,787 I made some great friends under those bridges. 260 00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:38,878 Oh, well. We'll be departing shortly. 261 00:14:39,052 --> 00:14:40,290 Our trusty pit crew is just finishing up 262 00:14:40,314 --> 00:14:42,142 some routine maintenance. 263 00:14:49,540 --> 00:14:50,540 Let's go. 264 00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:57,665 By the way, it's not illegal to huff paint 265 00:14:57,766 --> 00:14:59,006 next to your four-year-old son. 266 00:14:59,115 --> 00:15:00,725 I looked it up. 267 00:15:02,727 --> 00:15:06,731 Oh, my God. No way. Are you...? 268 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,342 I am. 269 00:15:08,516 --> 00:15:09,916 Oh, but I would really appreciate it 270 00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:11,823 if you don't make a big deal of it. 271 00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:14,130 I try to keep a low profile when I'm traveling. 272 00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:16,132 Are you sitting in my seat? 273 00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:17,525 I paid for the window. 274 00:15:18,178 --> 00:15:19,701 Move. 275 00:15:31,843 --> 00:15:34,803 My God. What an ass. 276 00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:37,240 Welcome aboard. 277 00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:39,305 You're sitting next to the beautiful redhead 278 00:15:39,329 --> 00:15:40,983 right over there. 279 00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:43,943 - Welcome aboard. - Before we depart, 280 00:15:44,117 --> 00:15:46,684 I'll turn it over to your lovely rail attendants 281 00:15:46,858 --> 00:15:48,164 for your safety presentation. 282 00:15:48,338 --> 00:15:49,949 Ladies and gentlemen, 283 00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:51,602 can you please direct your attention 284 00:15:51,776 --> 00:15:54,736 to the front of the cabin? 285 00:15:56,607 --> 00:15:58,392 DeeDee, what's going on? 286 00:15:58,566 --> 00:16:00,611 And a-five, six, seven, eight. 287 00:16:00,785 --> 00:16:03,484 I think we're being hijacked. 288 00:16:04,441 --> 00:16:05,834 ♪ Pay attention ♪ 289 00:16:06,574 --> 00:16:07,705 ♪ Shut up ♪ 290 00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:12,101 ♪ We got some instructions To keep you tightened up ♪ 291 00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:15,452 ♪ For the duration of the ride Stay inside ♪ 292 00:16:15,626 --> 00:16:17,933 ♪ Remain in your seat ♪ 293 00:16:18,107 --> 00:16:19,848 ♪ Sit the fuck down ♪ 294 00:16:20,457 --> 00:16:22,372 ♪ Keep it buckled Don't cause trouble ♪ 295 00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:26,289 ♪ Keep your luggage down Under your feet ♪ 296 00:16:26,463 --> 00:16:28,117 ♪ Even the dog ♪ 297 00:16:28,291 --> 00:16:30,337 ♪ No liquids over four ounces ♪ 298 00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:33,818 ♪ And no lithium batteries ♪ 299 00:16:34,428 --> 00:16:36,299 ♪ They could explode ♪ 300 00:16:36,473 --> 00:16:38,345 ♪ Read your pamphlet Know your exits ♪ 301 00:16:38,519 --> 00:16:41,826 ♪ In case There is an emergency ♪ 302 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,177 ♪ Like if we explode ♪ 303 00:16:44,351 --> 00:16:48,268 ♪ Now take everything we said And delete it from your brain ♪ 304 00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:52,968 ♪ 'Cause there ain't no rules When you're riding on a train ♪ 305 00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:56,406 ♪ Bring your drugs It's time to play ♪ 306 00:16:56,580 --> 00:17:00,454 ♪ 'Cause there ain't no TSA ♪ 307 00:17:00,628 --> 00:17:04,371 ♪ Get on up and celebrate ♪ 308 00:17:04,545 --> 00:17:09,071 ♪ We're like If Amtrak was gay ♪ 309 00:17:09,245 --> 00:17:10,681 ♪ Roll call ♪ 310 00:17:10,855 --> 00:17:12,770 ♪ Alli here, hand me your bag ♪ 311 00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,705 ♪ I'll throw 'em in the bin And give 'em a tag ♪ 312 00:17:14,729 --> 00:17:16,731 ♪ Hit the button Ask for Ayshleiygh ♪ 313 00:17:16,905 --> 00:17:18,907 ♪ Snacks and drinks I'm on my way ♪ 314 00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:20,778 ♪ Amber, Amber First-class queen ♪ 315 00:17:20,952 --> 00:17:23,129 ♪ Need some coffee? I got extra cream ♪ 316 00:17:23,303 --> 00:17:24,304 I'm Tess. 317 00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:25,696 One time, I ate a magnet 318 00:17:25,870 --> 00:17:27,437 and got stuck to a flagpole. 319 00:17:27,611 --> 00:17:30,179 DeeDee. I was born with adult teeth. 320 00:17:34,096 --> 00:17:37,534 ♪ Bring your drugs It's time to play ♪ 321 00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:41,973 ♪ 'Cause there ain't no TSA ♪ 322 00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:46,195 ♪ Get on up and celebrate ♪ 323 00:17:46,369 --> 00:17:50,417 ♪ We're like If Amtrak was gay ♪ 324 00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:53,376 ♪ Sit the fuck down ♪ 325 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:02,690 Ladies and gentlemen, please prepare for departure. 326 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,391 We nailed it. 327 00:18:20,882 --> 00:18:23,624 Pull the levers of the trolley onto the one person. 328 00:18:23,798 --> 00:18:25,438 Hey, guys, we got another trolley problem. 329 00:18:27,671 --> 00:18:29,804 Ooh, yes, bitch, you're fierce! 330 00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:33,242 Dispatcher to train 108, you are cleared for departure. 331 00:18:33,416 --> 00:18:36,376 It is more of a "chugga-chugga" or a "choo-choo"? 332 00:18:40,945 --> 00:18:42,295 Donna Dusk online. 333 00:18:45,820 --> 00:18:47,778 Zoom in on current weather trajectory. 334 00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:49,824 Too close. 335 00:18:58,354 --> 00:19:00,356 Good God. 336 00:19:03,968 --> 00:19:05,492 Per my calculations, we are looking at 337 00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:07,450 an unprecedented weather event. 338 00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:09,757 Hurricane, hailstorms, multiple tornadoes. 339 00:19:09,931 --> 00:19:11,846 And that's just the beginning. 340 00:19:12,020 --> 00:19:13,326 In English, please. 341 00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,676 It's gonna be a disaster. 342 00:19:15,850 --> 00:19:17,068 In Spanish, please. 343 00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:20,420 In Mandarin, please? 344 00:19:22,944 --> 00:19:24,424 There's little historical evidence 345 00:19:24,598 --> 00:19:26,038 that something like this even exists, 346 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,645 but only because so few have survived it. 347 00:19:29,342 --> 00:19:31,039 The ancient Egyptians feared 348 00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:33,650 that it was divine retribution from the gods, 349 00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:35,478 and they had a name for it. 350 00:19:38,742 --> 00:19:39,874 Stormaganza. 351 00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:44,183 Stormaganza? 352 00:19:45,575 --> 00:19:48,839 Donna, when I hired you, I took a chance. 353 00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:51,625 Hire a woman with glasses, they said. 354 00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:54,074 Preferably a hot one, so everyone in the office 355 00:19:54,236 --> 00:19:57,065 could start a pool for who could have sex with her first. 356 00:19:57,239 --> 00:19:59,198 I had my money on that psycho. 357 00:19:59,372 --> 00:20:00,590 He's a dog. 358 00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:04,942 I can see now I made the right choice. 359 00:20:06,901 --> 00:20:12,602 Because this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. 360 00:20:12,776 --> 00:20:16,171 A stormaganza. What? 361 00:20:17,390 --> 00:20:18,826 That's so gay. 362 00:20:19,914 --> 00:20:21,002 Who are you? 363 00:20:21,176 --> 00:20:23,091 I'm Barbra. You just hired me. 364 00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:24,484 - I did? - Mm-hmm. 365 00:20:24,658 --> 00:20:26,007 Sir, no, you don't understand. 366 00:20:26,181 --> 00:20:28,052 We need to stop all the trains right now. 367 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,787 I just saw there's a Glamazonian Express 368 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,143 that's headed for the center of the storm. 369 00:20:32,318 --> 00:20:33,667 Oh, yeah? How about you stop this? 370 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,314 Did someone order a noogie? 371 00:20:36,452 --> 00:20:37,671 Uh-oh, Donna did. 372 00:20:38,889 --> 00:20:40,021 Whatever. 373 00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:46,593 May God have mercy on their souls. 374 00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:49,857 Souls? Baby, let's start with that hair. 375 00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:55,166 Honey, are you sure you're okay to be traveling alone? 376 00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:58,213 It's just a train. What could possibly go wrong? 377 00:20:58,387 --> 00:21:00,067 Just make sure you keep your service animal 378 00:21:00,215 --> 00:21:02,435 inside its crate at all times. 379 00:21:02,609 --> 00:21:04,785 In fact, let me go ahead and check that safety latch. 380 00:21:04,959 --> 00:21:06,177 Have at it. 381 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,661 Seems good to me. 382 00:21:18,886 --> 00:21:21,062 Oh, boy, look at you. 383 00:21:21,236 --> 00:21:23,804 - Uh-huh. - How far along? 384 00:21:24,413 --> 00:21:27,329 - Nine months. - Wow, congratulations. 385 00:21:27,503 --> 00:21:29,200 I love babies. 386 00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:31,594 In utero. 387 00:21:32,247 --> 00:21:34,597 Not outside of a belly. Nope. 388 00:21:35,206 --> 00:21:36,556 If you had a baby right now, 389 00:21:36,730 --> 00:21:38,297 everyone on this train would hate you. 390 00:21:38,471 --> 00:21:39,994 Loud. 391 00:21:41,125 --> 00:21:42,953 Good thing. 392 00:21:43,127 --> 00:21:46,261 Well, luckily, he's not due for another... 393 00:21:54,443 --> 00:21:55,531 Hi. 394 00:21:57,881 --> 00:21:58,969 Whatcha doing? 395 00:22:00,928 --> 00:22:03,278 I'm newly divorced. 396 00:22:04,235 --> 00:22:08,718 I've been married 20 years. Just like that. 397 00:22:08,892 --> 00:22:10,764 Never felt so free in my life. 398 00:22:12,679 --> 00:22:17,205 Have you read the book Eat, Pray, Love? 399 00:22:17,379 --> 00:22:20,774 I'm in the... I'm in the "eat" part right now. 400 00:22:29,086 --> 00:22:31,262 - How does this work? - Turn to the left... 401 00:22:33,177 --> 00:22:35,919 I'm so sorry. Did I hit you? 402 00:22:36,093 --> 00:22:38,531 Oh, no, I'm completely fine. 403 00:22:38,705 --> 00:22:40,489 You're bleeding a lot. 404 00:22:41,185 --> 00:22:43,362 Oh, this? It's nothing. 405 00:22:44,101 --> 00:22:46,277 Doors. Am I right? 406 00:22:49,672 --> 00:22:51,587 I didn't know girls could be so funny. 407 00:22:53,328 --> 00:22:54,764 Really nice talking to you. 408 00:22:55,678 --> 00:22:56,678 DeeDee. 409 00:22:56,810 --> 00:22:57,985 I'm Cal. 410 00:22:58,812 --> 00:23:00,204 Cal. 411 00:23:07,211 --> 00:23:09,475 Hello? Where's my coffee? 412 00:23:09,953 --> 00:23:11,259 Hello? 413 00:23:11,912 --> 00:23:14,232 Deedles, all of the passengers are hitting the help button. 414 00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:15,655 How's that drink cart coming? 415 00:23:15,829 --> 00:23:17,483 We're out of milk. Where'd it go? 416 00:23:17,657 --> 00:23:18,745 Milk, anyone? 417 00:23:19,702 --> 00:23:22,009 Milk? Milk? 418 00:23:22,749 --> 00:23:23,576 Milk? 419 00:23:23,750 --> 00:23:24,750 Hello? 420 00:23:24,881 --> 00:23:26,361 Deedles, all these passengers 421 00:23:26,535 --> 00:23:28,363 are so much nicer than the ones on Stank Rail. 422 00:23:28,537 --> 00:23:30,060 We have got to do a good job for them. 423 00:23:30,234 --> 00:23:31,758 I'm going in without it. 424 00:23:31,932 --> 00:23:33,150 How do we look? 425 00:23:33,324 --> 00:23:35,414 Boop! Boop! 426 00:23:35,588 --> 00:23:36,719 Gorge. 427 00:23:51,517 --> 00:23:52,648 On the rocks? 428 00:23:52,822 --> 00:23:54,084 Neat. 429 00:23:55,172 --> 00:23:57,740 Who made this evaluation? A fucking kindergartener? 430 00:23:57,914 --> 00:24:00,874 I'm telling you, we should sell short. 431 00:24:01,048 --> 00:24:03,572 One tepid flat water with olives. 432 00:24:11,624 --> 00:24:13,060 Drinks? 433 00:24:13,364 --> 00:24:15,105 Train Control to Glamazonian Express. 434 00:24:15,279 --> 00:24:18,587 Train Control to Glamazonian Express. Do you copy? 435 00:24:18,761 --> 00:24:20,217 Deedles, you left one of your programs 436 00:24:20,241 --> 00:24:21,590 up on the monitor again. 437 00:24:21,764 --> 00:24:23,505 My name is Donna Dusk. 438 00:24:23,679 --> 00:24:25,812 Oh, it's one of those makeover shows 439 00:24:25,986 --> 00:24:27,226 where they take the glasses off 440 00:24:27,378 --> 00:24:28,902 and suddenly the ugly girl's pretty. 441 00:24:29,076 --> 00:24:30,532 If you don't listen to everything I say, 442 00:24:30,556 --> 00:24:31,731 you are all going to die. 443 00:24:32,819 --> 00:24:36,126 Look, I don't know if you're the conductor, or some passengers, 444 00:24:36,300 --> 00:24:38,346 or a train attendant, or a bar cabin chef, 445 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,783 or a ragtag group of boxcar children. 446 00:24:40,957 --> 00:24:42,568 Okay, I don't care about that. 447 00:24:42,742 --> 00:24:44,047 You're headed into a stormaganza. 448 00:24:44,221 --> 00:24:47,442 Do you hear me? A storm-a-ga-nza. 449 00:24:47,616 --> 00:24:49,705 So, we are counting on you. You're our last hope. 450 00:24:52,926 --> 00:24:54,754 This is our moment. 451 00:24:55,711 --> 00:24:56,711 DeeDee, follow me. 452 00:25:00,629 --> 00:25:02,085 Excuse me, what are you two doing up here? 453 00:25:02,109 --> 00:25:03,850 Oh, my God! 454 00:25:04,024 --> 00:25:05,329 - I never! - Hey, girls. 455 00:25:05,504 --> 00:25:06,940 No. No running in the cabin! 456 00:25:07,114 --> 00:25:08,202 Everything looks good, sir. 457 00:25:08,376 --> 00:25:09,682 Wheels are still on the track. 458 00:25:11,379 --> 00:25:13,207 - Open the door. - What's happening in there? 459 00:25:14,034 --> 00:25:15,078 Captain. 460 00:25:15,688 --> 00:25:17,820 Oh, my God. 461 00:25:17,994 --> 00:25:19,953 Captain, there's an emergency. 462 00:25:20,127 --> 00:25:22,216 This weird, homely woman, Donna Dusk, 463 00:25:22,390 --> 00:25:25,611 with these big, cheap glasses, she popped up on my TV screen. 464 00:25:25,785 --> 00:25:27,134 You're not allowed to be up here. 465 00:25:27,308 --> 00:25:29,092 Captain. 466 00:25:29,266 --> 00:25:31,268 It's a stormaganza. 467 00:25:31,965 --> 00:25:34,881 Mommy, Daddy's smoking crack again. 468 00:25:35,055 --> 00:25:37,710 Again, again, again. 469 00:25:39,842 --> 00:25:43,977 Captain Davenport to train HQ. Get me Donna Dusk. 470 00:25:44,151 --> 00:25:45,282 Pfft. Donna? 471 00:25:45,456 --> 00:25:46,980 You mean little Bimbo Baggins? 472 00:25:48,372 --> 00:25:49,939 This is Donna Dusk. 473 00:25:50,113 --> 00:25:52,942 The stormaganza. Is this a joke? 474 00:25:53,639 --> 00:25:55,075 Check your control panel. 475 00:25:59,340 --> 00:26:01,647 Dear God. 476 00:26:07,391 --> 00:26:09,393 You have to stop the train now. 477 00:26:19,926 --> 00:26:22,581 The brakes. They're fried. 478 00:26:26,019 --> 00:26:27,194 Conductor. 479 00:26:28,325 --> 00:26:30,414 Are you saying that you're on a runaway train? 480 00:26:31,067 --> 00:26:35,681 Worse. What I'm saying is we can't stop. 481 00:26:43,776 --> 00:26:46,300 I once drove through a stormaganza. 482 00:26:46,474 --> 00:26:50,478 It was a long, long time ago. 483 00:26:50,652 --> 00:26:51,827 What happened? 484 00:27:02,577 --> 00:27:07,408 Conductor, the passengers in the rear have fallen into hysteria. 485 00:27:07,582 --> 00:27:09,149 Now, don't you worry, Amelia. 486 00:27:09,323 --> 00:27:11,107 We'll be through this squall soon. 487 00:27:11,281 --> 00:27:14,589 I'd stake all 44 states on it. 488 00:27:14,763 --> 00:27:16,286 Ooh, Lord. 489 00:27:24,512 --> 00:27:26,079 Our train derailed. 490 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:28,864 What was it like? 491 00:27:29,038 --> 00:27:30,170 Like... 492 00:27:30,344 --> 00:27:32,694 Screech! 493 00:27:32,868 --> 00:27:35,262 Oh, God, no. Please stop! 494 00:27:35,871 --> 00:27:37,220 Stop the train! 495 00:27:37,394 --> 00:27:39,483 Oh, no, no! We're going off the rails! 496 00:27:39,658 --> 00:27:41,703 Oh, God, save us! 497 00:27:41,877 --> 00:27:44,184 My face! I'm burning alive! 498 00:27:44,358 --> 00:27:48,710 Boom, boom, boom! Aaahhh! 499 00:27:51,887 --> 00:27:55,325 There in the wreckage, 500 00:27:55,499 --> 00:27:57,414 lost in the wilderness, 501 00:27:57,588 --> 00:28:00,200 just me and the co-conductor. 502 00:28:00,374 --> 00:28:03,551 I'm sure you can see where this is going. 503 00:28:03,725 --> 00:28:05,031 You kissed. 504 00:28:05,205 --> 00:28:07,120 No, I ate him. 505 00:28:07,294 --> 00:28:10,297 Oh, my God. How long were you out there? 506 00:28:10,471 --> 00:28:11,472 Forty-six minutes. 507 00:28:12,473 --> 00:28:13,604 You poor thing. 508 00:28:14,954 --> 00:28:16,259 Donna, are you still there? 509 00:28:16,869 --> 00:28:19,262 So, if my calculations are correct, 510 00:28:19,436 --> 00:28:22,309 you still have a chance of making it through the storm, 511 00:28:22,483 --> 00:28:24,659 but you have to find a way to stop the train 512 00:28:24,833 --> 00:28:26,879 before it crashes into the final stop, 513 00:28:27,488 --> 00:28:30,143 which is located right next to a nuclear power plant, 514 00:28:30,317 --> 00:28:32,014 a hotel for dogs, 515 00:28:32,928 --> 00:28:35,322 and the home of beloved actress Lori Metcalfe. 516 00:28:35,975 --> 00:28:37,454 Not Lori Metcalfe. 517 00:28:39,021 --> 00:28:40,327 Dear God. 518 00:28:44,766 --> 00:28:46,926 Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen. Place your bets. 519 00:28:47,073 --> 00:28:49,989 The wheel turns. No more bets, please. No more bets. 520 00:28:50,598 --> 00:28:52,518 What were you two talking to the conductor about? 521 00:28:52,687 --> 00:28:54,317 Amber, there's been a bit of an emergency. 522 00:28:54,341 --> 00:28:56,145 Oh, you mean the weight restriction in this cabin 523 00:28:56,169 --> 00:28:58,824 that was exceeded when you two walked in. 524 00:28:59,433 --> 00:29:02,131 Actually, Amber, we don't have to tell you anything 525 00:29:02,305 --> 00:29:04,133 because the conductor put us in charge. 526 00:29:04,307 --> 00:29:07,267 You met the conductor? He's real? 527 00:29:08,572 --> 00:29:10,139 Tess, what are you doing? 528 00:29:10,313 --> 00:29:14,187 Excuse me. Hi, y'all. My name is Tess. 529 00:29:14,361 --> 00:29:16,145 And I'm DeeDee. And we have an announcement. 530 00:29:16,319 --> 00:29:17,625 What do you think you're doing? 531 00:29:17,799 --> 00:29:20,280 Ayshleiygh, do something. 532 00:29:24,458 --> 00:29:26,242 I took eight beta-blockers. Um... 533 00:29:29,550 --> 00:29:31,160 The conductor would like us to tell you 534 00:29:31,334 --> 00:29:33,597 that we're looking at inclement weather ahead. 535 00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:36,862 Please stay in your seats and keep your seat belts fastened. 536 00:29:37,036 --> 00:29:38,385 We'll get through it in no time. 537 00:29:38,559 --> 00:29:42,911 And complimentary drinks on us. 538 00:29:46,393 --> 00:29:48,961 Oh. So, that's how you wanna play. 539 00:29:49,135 --> 00:29:51,093 - Hmm. - Okay, bitch. 540 00:29:51,267 --> 00:29:53,095 We love games. Right, girls? 541 00:29:53,269 --> 00:29:54,705 Yeah, but we don't play fair. 542 00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:56,422 We can basically read each other's minds. 543 00:29:56,446 --> 00:29:57,534 Watch. 544 00:29:58,709 --> 00:29:59,710 Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. 545 00:29:59,885 --> 00:30:02,017 Bryce Dallas Howard. 546 00:30:02,191 --> 00:30:03,018 Ha ha! 547 00:30:03,192 --> 00:30:03,932 See? 548 00:30:04,106 --> 00:30:05,238 Locked in. 549 00:30:05,412 --> 00:30:06,674 So, get ready to play 550 00:30:06,848 --> 00:30:11,722 4-D motherfucking chesssss. 551 00:30:11,897 --> 00:30:12,985 And we thank you. 552 00:30:16,553 --> 00:30:17,859 Madam President. 553 00:30:21,123 --> 00:30:22,124 Have you made a decision? 554 00:30:25,606 --> 00:30:26,912 I have. 555 00:30:28,391 --> 00:30:29,828 It's time... 556 00:30:32,352 --> 00:30:34,136 to nuke Russia. 557 00:30:35,572 --> 00:30:38,184 Are you serious, madam? 558 00:30:38,358 --> 00:30:39,968 Does this look serious? 559 00:30:44,364 --> 00:30:45,756 Kidding! 560 00:30:48,368 --> 00:30:51,327 I mean, do you really think I wanna deal with that mess? 561 00:30:51,501 --> 00:30:54,243 Pfft. I don't even come in on Fridays. 562 00:30:54,417 --> 00:30:57,072 So good. You know what's so funny? 563 00:30:57,246 --> 00:30:58,900 We literally were just saying outside, 564 00:30:59,074 --> 00:31:00,674 we hope she does the bit with the button. 565 00:31:00,815 --> 00:31:03,252 It's so funny every time. 566 00:31:03,426 --> 00:31:04,863 Oh, my God. 567 00:31:05,037 --> 00:31:07,430 Approve all these bills 568 00:31:07,604 --> 00:31:11,304 and throw everyone a tax rebate. 569 00:31:11,478 --> 00:31:13,480 I'm in an Oprah mood. 570 00:31:13,654 --> 00:31:14,960 Hey, just a reminder. 571 00:31:15,134 --> 00:31:16,875 You have your one o'clock with AOC. 572 00:31:18,137 --> 00:31:20,879 Yeah. And then after that is your photoshoot with Skims. 573 00:31:21,053 --> 00:31:22,402 Remember the concept? 574 00:31:22,576 --> 00:31:24,447 Mary Poppins fell into her big bag 575 00:31:24,621 --> 00:31:27,624 and is now clawing at the walls of her dark bag pit. 576 00:31:27,798 --> 00:31:29,888 Oh. What? 577 00:31:31,585 --> 00:31:33,021 Okay. 578 00:31:36,503 --> 00:31:37,634 No. 579 00:31:38,679 --> 00:31:41,725 Now, I could be wrong, but that sounded like... 580 00:31:41,900 --> 00:31:43,162 An emergency. 581 00:31:44,772 --> 00:31:46,339 A national emergency. 582 00:31:49,429 --> 00:31:51,300 Madam President, the situation is ongoing, 583 00:31:51,474 --> 00:31:53,912 but we have our people monitoring it from every angle. 584 00:31:54,086 --> 00:31:56,086 We're gonna corner the market on messaging on this, 585 00:31:56,131 --> 00:31:58,133 including running some contingency plans 586 00:31:58,307 --> 00:32:00,353 and getting best and worst-case projections. 587 00:32:00,527 --> 00:32:02,367 We also have a rapid response team on the scene 588 00:32:02,442 --> 00:32:04,270 in case the situation escalates. 589 00:32:04,444 --> 00:32:07,664 We have a direct line to defense, NASA, FEMA, 590 00:32:07,838 --> 00:32:10,580 PETA, GOOP, the NAACP, 591 00:32:10,754 --> 00:32:13,888 the WNBA, SWV, Xscape, 592 00:32:14,062 --> 00:32:16,369 TLC, Build-a-Bear Workshop, 593 00:32:16,543 --> 00:32:18,183 Mothers Against Drunk Driving, the cast of 594 00:32:18,284 --> 00:32:19,676 The Real Housewives of Potomac, 595 00:32:19,850 --> 00:32:21,417 the cast of Married to Medicine, 596 00:32:21,591 --> 00:32:24,333 and of course, the Taco Bell Innovation Lab. 597 00:32:29,817 --> 00:32:31,514 Tell it to me straight. 598 00:32:31,688 --> 00:32:33,168 There's a Glamazonian Express 599 00:32:33,342 --> 00:32:35,388 headed directly into a massive storm. 600 00:32:35,562 --> 00:32:37,303 Now tell it to me gay. 601 00:32:40,871 --> 00:32:41,916 Dear God. 602 00:32:42,786 --> 00:32:43,874 It's serious. 603 00:32:47,748 --> 00:32:50,098 Do you know what this is? Hmm? 604 00:32:50,272 --> 00:32:52,448 Well, of course, madam. That's your approval rating. 605 00:32:52,622 --> 00:32:55,408 Hasn't once dipped below "Love her!" 606 00:32:55,582 --> 00:32:58,889 That's right. That's right. 607 00:33:00,282 --> 00:33:03,155 Not since the day I sat my perfect derriere 608 00:33:03,329 --> 00:33:05,418 in this little chair-iere. 609 00:33:05,592 --> 00:33:07,028 And do you know why? 610 00:33:07,202 --> 00:33:08,202 You're sickening. 611 00:33:08,334 --> 00:33:09,161 Yes. 612 00:33:09,335 --> 00:33:10,423 But more. 613 00:33:10,597 --> 00:33:12,512 I'm fun. 614 00:33:12,686 --> 00:33:15,428 It was literally my whole campaign. 615 00:33:18,344 --> 00:33:20,824 You know what's not fun? 616 00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:25,699 America's first bullet train flying off the tracks. 617 00:33:26,308 --> 00:33:31,531 We will be the laughingstock of all high-speed-rail countries. 618 00:33:31,705 --> 00:33:34,447 Of course. Shouldn't you be the one to speak to this issue 619 00:33:34,621 --> 00:33:36,753 considering your military history? 620 00:33:38,929 --> 00:33:41,802 The United States Rail Force. 621 00:33:54,858 --> 00:33:57,252 Are you having another one of your hot flashbacks? 622 00:33:57,426 --> 00:33:58,688 Of course not. 623 00:33:59,602 --> 00:34:03,693 All right, bring me my TV pantsuit. 624 00:34:03,867 --> 00:34:05,478 We're going live. 625 00:34:05,652 --> 00:34:06,652 Go. 626 00:34:15,879 --> 00:34:17,490 Whoa! 627 00:34:17,664 --> 00:34:19,405 - Good game. - You too. 628 00:34:20,188 --> 00:34:21,494 Your coffee, conductor. 629 00:34:21,668 --> 00:34:24,323 - Oh. Thank you. - Sorry it took so long. 630 00:34:24,497 --> 00:34:25,628 That's all right. 631 00:34:26,673 --> 00:34:28,457 And hi, Cal. 632 00:34:28,631 --> 00:34:30,285 Oh, you remembered my name. 633 00:34:30,459 --> 00:34:32,113 What was your name again? 634 00:34:32,287 --> 00:34:33,419 DeeDee. 635 00:34:33,593 --> 00:34:36,378 DeeDee. That's a great name. 636 00:34:36,552 --> 00:34:38,250 You know, I had a dog once. 637 00:34:38,424 --> 00:34:39,642 Named DeeDee? 638 00:34:39,816 --> 00:34:40,817 No. 639 00:34:49,348 --> 00:34:50,610 I'm sorry, sorry. 640 00:34:50,784 --> 00:34:52,568 No, we are out of vodka 641 00:34:52,742 --> 00:34:54,831 and whiskey and gin. 642 00:34:55,005 --> 00:34:58,574 But we do have a tequila branded by a very famous Meghan. 643 00:34:58,748 --> 00:34:59,836 Thee Stallion? 644 00:35:00,010 --> 00:35:01,447 Markle. 645 00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:06,452 You worked hard. Your mamas and daddies worked hard. 646 00:35:06,626 --> 00:35:07,888 We're mighty proud of you. 647 00:35:14,329 --> 00:35:17,289 No way. Are you...? 648 00:35:17,463 --> 00:35:19,552 Yes, that's me. 649 00:35:19,726 --> 00:35:21,771 Fun set. 650 00:35:21,945 --> 00:35:24,296 Are you looking at my screen right now? 651 00:35:24,470 --> 00:35:27,255 Because I paid $20 for this movie. 652 00:35:27,429 --> 00:35:30,215 You know what? You owe me half. 653 00:35:32,695 --> 00:35:34,044 Okay. 654 00:35:34,958 --> 00:35:38,527 Thank you. And if I see you looking at this screen again, 655 00:35:38,701 --> 00:35:40,747 I'm gonna beat the shit out of you. 656 00:35:41,356 --> 00:35:43,053 It's my goal to entertain the world 657 00:35:43,228 --> 00:35:44,664 through artistic expression. 658 00:35:45,230 --> 00:35:47,449 Through art, I shall serve my country. 659 00:35:51,801 --> 00:35:52,976 All right, you leeches. 660 00:35:53,890 --> 00:35:54,935 Listen up. 661 00:35:55,109 --> 00:35:57,285 You get one question each, 662 00:35:57,459 --> 00:35:59,722 and don't get greedy. Or I will have you thrown 663 00:35:59,896 --> 00:36:01,637 into a government black site so fast 664 00:36:01,811 --> 00:36:04,466 you'll be making Zara handbags like the rest of the filth. 665 00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:06,120 Is that what you want? 666 00:36:06,294 --> 00:36:08,644 Ask me if I'm kidding. Seriously, ask. Yeah. 667 00:36:08,818 --> 00:36:09,818 Are you kidding? 668 00:36:09,950 --> 00:36:11,169 No. 669 00:36:11,343 --> 00:36:12,692 And that was your one question. 670 00:36:13,345 --> 00:36:16,957 And now, please welcome your president, 671 00:36:17,131 --> 00:36:20,221 Judy Gagwell! 672 00:36:22,876 --> 00:36:26,271 Thank you. I will start taking questions. 673 00:36:26,445 --> 00:36:28,360 - Yes. - Madam President, 674 00:36:28,534 --> 00:36:30,318 what can you tell us about this storm? 675 00:36:30,492 --> 00:36:32,015 Well, it's quite... 676 00:36:32,190 --> 00:36:33,626 Big? Dangerous? 677 00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:35,932 What are you hiding, Gagwell? 678 00:36:36,106 --> 00:36:37,543 What kind of conspiracy is this? 679 00:36:37,717 --> 00:36:39,517 - Watergate. Pizzagate. - Get her out of here. 680 00:36:39,632 --> 00:36:42,461 Wait. Aah! No, no, no, no, no. What's happening? 681 00:36:42,635 --> 00:36:45,594 I don't wanna work at a Zara! No! 682 00:36:46,421 --> 00:36:48,206 - Did you see that? - Yes, yes. 683 00:36:48,858 --> 00:36:53,820 Big. Just know we are monitoring the situation, 684 00:36:53,994 --> 00:36:56,344 and we have eyes on the train. 685 00:36:57,606 --> 00:36:58,825 No. 686 00:37:02,872 --> 00:37:04,570 What are the chances of survival? 687 00:37:05,179 --> 00:37:09,705 And by "survival," I mean how many people are going to die? 688 00:37:09,879 --> 00:37:12,273 Dead. Six feet under. Maggots. 689 00:37:12,447 --> 00:37:14,493 Don't even get me started on the bats. 690 00:37:14,667 --> 00:37:17,017 Have you ever had a bat nest in your hair? 691 00:37:17,191 --> 00:37:19,193 Honey, the whole bat family moves in. 692 00:37:19,367 --> 00:37:22,327 - They bring lawn chairs... - Okay. You had your turn. 693 00:37:22,501 --> 00:37:23,632 Excuse me. 694 00:37:24,372 --> 00:37:26,069 Y'all talking trains? 695 00:37:26,244 --> 00:37:28,158 I know a little something about trains. 696 00:37:28,333 --> 00:37:31,379 This is an inside job. How do I know? 697 00:37:31,553 --> 00:37:33,555 I'm a certified railway hostess. 698 00:37:33,729 --> 00:37:36,254 - Oh. - Well, I used to be. 699 00:37:36,428 --> 00:37:38,517 Then Big Train got my ass. 700 00:37:38,691 --> 00:37:40,011 And they're gonna get you all too. 701 00:37:40,258 --> 00:37:42,390 Soon, we're not gonna have no cars. 702 00:37:42,564 --> 00:37:44,523 We ain't gonna have no feet. 703 00:37:44,697 --> 00:37:48,222 Like the movie Snowpiercer, but no feet. 704 00:37:48,396 --> 00:37:51,530 Do you think these are my real legs? 705 00:37:51,704 --> 00:37:55,055 They are, for now. Then they're gonna hack them off, 706 00:37:55,229 --> 00:37:57,309 they're gonna chain them to the bottom of that train, 707 00:37:57,362 --> 00:37:59,494 and they're gonna be like one Flintstones car. 708 00:37:59,668 --> 00:38:02,541 Madam President, do you feel a personal connection to this, 709 00:38:02,715 --> 00:38:04,673 considering your past? 710 00:38:04,847 --> 00:38:06,719 - My past? - Weren't you a part 711 00:38:06,893 --> 00:38:08,808 of that now-defunct military branch 712 00:38:08,982 --> 00:38:11,593 dedicated to defend the country with trains? 713 00:38:12,942 --> 00:38:14,204 That was... 714 00:38:15,380 --> 00:38:17,730 many years ago. I... 715 00:38:28,697 --> 00:38:29,698 No! 716 00:38:33,876 --> 00:38:36,096 Joanie! No! 717 00:38:36,705 --> 00:38:38,968 Did you just have a hot flashback? 718 00:38:39,142 --> 00:38:40,840 Take her out. 719 00:38:41,014 --> 00:38:42,014 I've had it. 720 00:38:42,145 --> 00:38:43,145 No! 721 00:38:47,977 --> 00:38:49,457 Cal, status? 722 00:38:49,631 --> 00:38:51,720 Single, captain, but having sex 723 00:38:51,894 --> 00:38:54,114 with a few different women in my karate class. 724 00:38:54,288 --> 00:38:55,507 Copy that. 725 00:38:55,681 --> 00:38:57,726 Donna, how's it looking up ahead? 726 00:38:57,900 --> 00:38:59,540 Great, Captain. We're all rooting for you. 727 00:38:59,641 --> 00:39:00,990 All right, who has money on 100? 728 00:39:01,251 --> 00:39:03,210 - Three hundred. - Two hundred, 200. 729 00:39:03,384 --> 00:39:04,907 - I'm all in. - Come on, guys. 730 00:39:05,081 --> 00:39:07,475 I'm thinking mass casualties, bodies high. 731 00:39:07,649 --> 00:39:10,217 Get those bills out. Come on, don't be a cheap-ass. 732 00:39:10,391 --> 00:39:12,393 You know, it's only gonna get uglier, 733 00:39:12,567 --> 00:39:15,353 but I have no doubt we'll make it through. 734 00:39:15,527 --> 00:39:17,659 As long as I'm sitting in this chair, 735 00:39:18,530 --> 00:39:21,881 focused, alert, determined, 736 00:39:22,055 --> 00:39:24,753 and not incapacitated for some reason. 737 00:39:29,410 --> 00:39:31,760 Oh! Oh! Oh! 738 00:39:31,934 --> 00:39:33,849 Oh! Whoa! Whoa! 739 00:39:43,076 --> 00:39:45,513 What is going on up there? 740 00:39:48,386 --> 00:39:50,126 Who brought a scorpion in here? 741 00:39:50,300 --> 00:39:52,128 He's allergic to scorpions, I think. 742 00:39:52,302 --> 00:39:53,913 We can fix this. 743 00:39:54,566 --> 00:39:56,394 Cal, you're gonna take over as conductor. 744 00:39:56,568 --> 00:39:58,134 No, I'm the co-conductor. 745 00:39:58,308 --> 00:40:00,659 All I know how to do is play music on the aux cord. 746 00:40:01,703 --> 00:40:03,401 What if I stay up here and help him? 747 00:40:03,575 --> 00:40:05,814 I could speak on the headset, make sure everything's okay. 748 00:40:05,838 --> 00:40:07,883 Yes, and I'll take care of the conductor. 749 00:40:10,190 --> 00:40:11,409 How do we look? 750 00:40:11,583 --> 00:40:13,019 Boop! Boop! 751 00:40:13,193 --> 00:40:14,499 Gorge. 752 00:40:19,199 --> 00:40:20,983 There's an amazing venue we should try. 753 00:40:21,157 --> 00:40:22,507 Oh, maybe. Yes. 754 00:40:42,135 --> 00:40:43,179 Oh. 755 00:40:44,616 --> 00:40:50,143 Ooh... Conductor Davenport. 756 00:40:50,317 --> 00:40:51,666 Is this seat taken? 757 00:40:52,885 --> 00:40:54,060 Mmm. 758 00:40:56,018 --> 00:40:57,803 Oops! 759 00:40:57,977 --> 00:40:59,805 Ah! Got it. 760 00:41:02,503 --> 00:41:05,724 Oh, I'm sorry, I... Oh, I guess I should... 761 00:41:07,769 --> 00:41:09,118 I guess I'll go here. 762 00:41:14,602 --> 00:41:16,256 Oh, that's my journal. 763 00:41:16,430 --> 00:41:17,736 Wow. 764 00:41:18,911 --> 00:41:20,869 Look at us. It's like, 765 00:41:21,043 --> 00:41:22,871 are we even gonna get any work done up here? 766 00:41:24,090 --> 00:41:25,831 I know. It's like, 767 00:41:26,005 --> 00:41:28,268 what does any of this stuff even do? 768 00:41:37,799 --> 00:41:39,758 Glamazonian Express, do you copy? 769 00:41:39,932 --> 00:41:41,586 Donna, do you copy? 770 00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:43,160 - Yes, BeeBee, I read you. - DeeDee. 771 00:41:43,326 --> 00:41:45,546 Whatever your name is, you're headed right into 772 00:41:45,720 --> 00:41:47,940 an oncoming tornado. You will need to redirect the train 773 00:41:48,114 --> 00:41:50,333 onto some sort of alternate track. 774 00:41:50,508 --> 00:41:52,292 Uh, you can manually switch 775 00:41:52,466 --> 00:41:53,946 to an old mining track up ahead, 776 00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:56,905 but fair warning, it's been closed for decades 777 00:41:57,079 --> 00:41:58,820 for being too haunted. 778 00:42:07,176 --> 00:42:08,176 Okay. 779 00:42:09,527 --> 00:42:10,527 Oh. 780 00:42:20,712 --> 00:42:21,887 Cal. 781 00:42:22,061 --> 00:42:23,628 Oh, here it is. 782 00:42:23,802 --> 00:42:26,500 Oh. Sorry. 783 00:42:29,329 --> 00:42:30,330 Cal. 784 00:42:32,375 --> 00:42:33,855 Ooh. 785 00:42:34,029 --> 00:42:35,378 Ah. 786 00:42:36,162 --> 00:42:37,424 Oh, it's slippery. 787 00:42:42,777 --> 00:42:44,736 Can you guys just, like, pull it? 788 00:42:54,702 --> 00:42:56,965 It wasn't that bad, right? 789 00:43:06,671 --> 00:43:08,673 Well, we'll just have to handle this 790 00:43:08,847 --> 00:43:12,198 the way we take care of all scandals. 791 00:43:13,460 --> 00:43:15,288 Just start saying names. 792 00:43:16,594 --> 00:43:17,856 No. 793 00:43:18,030 --> 00:43:20,989 We wait it out until it all blows over. 794 00:43:21,163 --> 00:43:25,603 I mean, it can't get worse than this, right? 795 00:43:28,910 --> 00:43:30,390 Oh. 796 00:43:48,147 --> 00:43:50,410 Donna? Donna? 797 00:43:52,325 --> 00:43:53,456 We lost signal. 798 00:43:54,936 --> 00:43:56,634 That's good, right? 799 00:43:58,244 --> 00:44:00,725 Can you read me? Hello? 800 00:44:00,899 --> 00:44:02,291 Hello? Hello? 801 00:44:02,857 --> 00:44:07,166 - Can you read me? - Girl, where do I start? 802 00:44:10,691 --> 00:44:12,040 Aw. 803 00:44:12,214 --> 00:44:14,042 Looks like you couldn't handle it after all. 804 00:44:16,262 --> 00:44:18,438 Don't worry, I've got this. 805 00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:22,747 Passengers, we are currently experiencing 806 00:44:22,921 --> 00:44:24,879 some slight technical difficulties. 807 00:44:25,053 --> 00:44:27,055 There's no need to panic. 808 00:44:35,411 --> 00:44:37,370 - I just said, don't panic. - You did. 809 00:44:37,544 --> 00:44:40,242 We're gonna need something to distract the passengers. 810 00:44:40,416 --> 00:44:41,853 Would you like me to help? 811 00:44:42,027 --> 00:44:43,506 I actually got my start on the stage. 812 00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:45,552 One-woman production of Our Town. 813 00:44:45,726 --> 00:44:47,815 - The review said that I was... - Girls, girls. 814 00:44:47,989 --> 00:44:49,295 Look who it is. 815 00:44:50,513 --> 00:44:53,212 It's some complete fucking rando who can't stay in her seat. 816 00:44:53,386 --> 00:44:54,692 Get out of here! 817 00:44:55,867 --> 00:44:57,042 What are we gonna do? 818 00:45:00,001 --> 00:45:01,001 I have an idea. 819 00:45:03,265 --> 00:45:05,703 - Who turned out the light? - You have to trust me 820 00:45:05,877 --> 00:45:07,313 - and put these on. - I'm out. 821 00:45:07,487 --> 00:45:08,531 I'm in. - I'm in too. 822 00:45:08,706 --> 00:45:09,532 Who's that? 823 00:45:09,707 --> 00:45:10,446 I'm a ghost. 824 00:45:10,620 --> 00:45:11,404 Okay. 825 00:45:11,578 --> 00:45:13,623 Five, six, seven, eight. 826 00:45:20,935 --> 00:45:24,852 ♪ We are onboard Private entertainment ♪ 827 00:45:25,026 --> 00:45:28,682 ♪ Here to keep the vibes high No derailment ♪ 828 00:45:28,856 --> 00:45:32,294 ♪ Little funky, little flirty Hot arrangement ♪ 829 00:45:32,468 --> 00:45:36,646 - ♪ So light, so smooth ♪ - ♪ So light, so smooth ♪ 830 00:45:36,821 --> 00:45:39,954 ♪ 'Cause everything is perfect Everything is right ♪ 831 00:45:40,955 --> 00:45:46,395 ♪ No need to be nervous Just enjoy the ride ♪ 832 00:45:46,569 --> 00:45:49,790 - ♪ Hey, you, look over there - ♪ Right there ♪ 833 00:45:49,964 --> 00:45:51,705 ♪ Nothing to worry about ♪ 834 00:45:51,879 --> 00:45:53,838 ♪ No reason You should be scared ♪ 835 00:45:54,012 --> 00:45:57,711 - ♪ Hey, you, look over there ♪ - ♪ Right there ♪ 836 00:45:57,885 --> 00:46:01,846 ♪ We're just here hanging out Like we don't have a care ♪ 837 00:46:02,020 --> 00:46:04,370 Now it's even louder in here. 838 00:46:08,156 --> 00:46:09,156 Whoa. 839 00:46:18,776 --> 00:46:20,952 - Oh, my God. - Whoa! 840 00:46:27,393 --> 00:46:30,788 - ♪ Hey, you, look over there ♪ - ♪ Right there ♪ 841 00:46:30,962 --> 00:46:32,964 ♪ Nothing to worry about ♪ 842 00:46:33,138 --> 00:46:35,140 ♪ No reason You should be scared ♪ 843 00:46:35,314 --> 00:46:38,708 - ♪ Hey, you, look over there ♪ - ♪ Right there ♪ 844 00:46:38,883 --> 00:46:43,017 ♪ We're just here hanging out Like we don't have a care ♪ 845 00:46:43,191 --> 00:46:46,673 ♪ Look over there now Look over there ♪ 846 00:46:46,847 --> 00:46:51,025 ♪ Don't you look over here Don't you look over here now ♪ 847 00:46:51,199 --> 00:46:54,420 ♪ Look over there now Look over there ♪ 848 00:46:54,594 --> 00:46:59,164 ♪ Don't look over there Don't you look over there now ♪ 849 00:47:10,566 --> 00:47:14,092 Donna, Donna, do you read? Donna? 850 00:47:14,266 --> 00:47:17,051 Your skin looks like you got power-washed in a FEMA tent. 851 00:47:17,225 --> 00:47:19,097 Head so big you look like the Michelin Man. 852 00:47:19,271 --> 00:47:22,230 Great ascot, I wish your ass got hit by a bus. 853 00:47:22,404 --> 00:47:24,276 You're aging like goat milk. 854 00:47:24,450 --> 00:47:25,450 Donna? 855 00:47:25,973 --> 00:47:27,888 We made it through the tunnel. 856 00:47:36,157 --> 00:47:37,593 Train hands. 857 00:47:39,595 --> 00:47:41,641 DeeDee, we did it. 858 00:47:43,904 --> 00:47:45,079 Oh. 859 00:47:46,907 --> 00:47:48,430 You look incredible right now. 860 00:47:48,604 --> 00:47:49,823 Oh. 861 00:47:49,997 --> 00:47:52,608 I guess I'll go take care of this. 862 00:47:59,659 --> 00:48:02,836 Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 863 00:48:03,010 --> 00:48:06,840 That was amazing. You're like the Tate McRae of railroads. 864 00:48:07,014 --> 00:48:09,147 Like Tate McRailroad. 865 00:48:09,321 --> 00:48:11,149 Wait, wait, y'all liked that? 866 00:48:11,323 --> 00:48:12,585 - Ah, yeah! - Yeah! 867 00:48:12,759 --> 00:48:14,159 You're totally in with us now, girl. 868 00:48:14,282 --> 00:48:16,502 So in. Even with that little weird eye thing. 869 00:48:16,676 --> 00:48:18,808 - Wait, what? What? - Right there. 870 00:48:18,983 --> 00:48:21,899 I'm sorry. Is this a joke? 871 00:48:22,073 --> 00:48:24,771 Her name doesn't even start with A. 872 00:48:24,945 --> 00:48:28,862 Amber. I think you're needed back there in coach. 873 00:48:30,995 --> 00:48:32,822 Give it up for Tess, everyone. 874 00:48:37,262 --> 00:48:40,134 Pick her up. Pick her up. Let's go. Come on. 875 00:48:40,961 --> 00:48:42,789 Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 876 00:48:42,963 --> 00:48:44,573 Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 877 00:48:44,747 --> 00:48:46,836 Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 878 00:48:47,011 --> 00:48:50,101 Tess! Tess! We made it. 879 00:48:51,493 --> 00:48:52,668 Tess? 880 00:48:54,627 --> 00:48:55,976 Tess? 881 00:48:56,759 --> 00:48:58,152 Train Control, come in. 882 00:48:58,805 --> 00:49:00,807 Yes, I see you. Zooming in. 883 00:49:02,069 --> 00:49:03,984 - Too close. - It's good, right? 884 00:49:04,158 --> 00:49:06,508 - We're through the storm. - No. 885 00:49:08,423 --> 00:49:10,164 You're just in the eye of it. 886 00:49:16,170 --> 00:49:18,042 Holy fuck. 887 00:49:29,140 --> 00:49:32,230 It's clear they're no longer buying what I'm selling. 888 00:49:41,108 --> 00:49:43,502 Madam President, your speech for when the train crashes, 889 00:49:43,676 --> 00:49:44,764 killing everyone. 890 00:49:46,287 --> 00:49:47,332 Sit down. 891 00:49:47,897 --> 00:49:49,987 I think it's time I tell you a story. 892 00:49:53,425 --> 00:49:57,124 Everyone knows me as Judy Gagwell. 893 00:49:57,298 --> 00:49:59,039 "She fun." 894 00:50:00,084 --> 00:50:04,479 But what if I told you sometimes she not fun? 895 00:50:05,306 --> 00:50:06,699 What if I told you... 896 00:50:07,308 --> 00:50:09,093 she sad? 897 00:50:11,182 --> 00:50:13,271 Oh, my God. 898 00:50:13,445 --> 00:50:15,490 Was it something that I did? 899 00:50:18,058 --> 00:50:21,018 There's one chapter in my life that I haven't spoken about. 900 00:50:22,584 --> 00:50:27,328 My time in the United States Rail Force. 901 00:50:28,199 --> 00:50:29,852 Take a seat. 902 00:50:42,126 --> 00:50:45,738 The year was 1986. 903 00:50:48,480 --> 00:50:50,960 The Rail Force. 904 00:50:51,135 --> 00:50:54,790 A new military initiative under Reagan 905 00:50:54,964 --> 00:50:58,968 who thought there was no better way to defend America 906 00:50:59,621 --> 00:51:01,536 than by train. 907 00:51:06,367 --> 00:51:09,588 It was supposed to be a standard test 908 00:51:09,762 --> 00:51:13,722 where I'd launch missiles that were mounted on my caboose. 909 00:51:14,549 --> 00:51:19,424 I had a blemish on my chin that day that needed a little TLC. 910 00:51:21,295 --> 00:51:24,342 I was so distracted by my mug 911 00:51:24,516 --> 00:51:26,648 that I didn't see all the warning signs 912 00:51:26,822 --> 00:51:28,998 staring right at me. 913 00:51:42,534 --> 00:51:43,665 What was that? 914 00:51:44,710 --> 00:51:45,710 Hm. 915 00:51:54,154 --> 00:51:56,678 Like little Joanie Muggins 916 00:51:58,158 --> 00:52:00,421 prancing down the train tracks. 917 00:52:04,512 --> 00:52:07,080 I had to bury this story for my campaign. 918 00:52:08,168 --> 00:52:10,779 You know, there's a saying in politics. 919 00:52:10,953 --> 00:52:14,740 The only thing less fun than a train crash 920 00:52:14,914 --> 00:52:18,570 is a flattened, exploded toddler. 921 00:52:19,832 --> 00:52:23,401 And you are always saying that. 922 00:52:23,575 --> 00:52:26,969 So, now that you know the real me, 923 00:52:27,579 --> 00:52:29,363 the true me, 924 00:52:30,538 --> 00:52:31,626 what do you think? 925 00:52:33,846 --> 00:52:35,456 We can spin this. 926 00:52:35,630 --> 00:52:37,371 We're gonna get background on that toddler. 927 00:52:37,545 --> 00:52:40,809 I guarantee you we can find it saying some racist shit. 928 00:52:40,983 --> 00:52:42,942 I have to go. 929 00:52:43,116 --> 00:52:44,161 No. 930 00:52:44,335 --> 00:52:45,771 I'm not fit for this job anymore. 931 00:52:45,945 --> 00:52:47,294 What? 932 00:52:47,468 --> 00:52:49,470 - I have to go. - No. 933 00:52:50,819 --> 00:52:51,951 President Gagwell. 934 00:52:52,647 --> 00:52:54,040 President Gagwell, wait! 935 00:53:02,222 --> 00:53:03,919 Oh, shit! 936 00:53:08,707 --> 00:53:10,143 Phew! 937 00:53:14,843 --> 00:53:17,585 Like I said, you're just in the eye of the storm. 938 00:53:17,759 --> 00:53:19,935 You're telling me now it has a face? 939 00:53:20,632 --> 00:53:24,026 And if I'm being frank, the other side is not looking good. 940 00:53:24,201 --> 00:53:28,030 If you're being Frank, what if you're being, like, Dylan? 941 00:53:28,205 --> 00:53:30,250 Deedles, we got this, okay? 942 00:53:30,424 --> 00:53:33,601 We just gotta keep on doing what we've been doing. 943 00:53:33,775 --> 00:53:35,081 Cal's really into you. 944 00:53:36,822 --> 00:53:38,432 Did you hear those passengers out there? 945 00:53:38,606 --> 00:53:40,129 They are chanting our names. 946 00:53:40,304 --> 00:53:42,001 I kind of just heard your name. 947 00:53:42,175 --> 00:53:44,264 What? No, no. 948 00:53:44,438 --> 00:53:47,267 Oh! It's the other girls. I gotta get back out there. 949 00:53:47,441 --> 00:53:49,487 - They need me. - Okay, how do we look? 950 00:53:49,661 --> 00:53:51,750 Huh? Fine, fine, whatever. 951 00:53:51,924 --> 00:53:54,187 Boop! Boop! 952 00:53:55,014 --> 00:53:56,276 Gorge. 953 00:53:59,061 --> 00:54:00,628 - Hey, everybody. - Ah! 954 00:54:00,802 --> 00:54:02,195 Did you miss me? 955 00:54:02,369 --> 00:54:04,241 Yes! 956 00:54:04,415 --> 00:54:07,766 Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 957 00:54:07,940 --> 00:54:12,161 Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 958 00:54:14,990 --> 00:54:16,731 "Babies cause 100 percent of train delays." 959 00:54:16,905 --> 00:54:18,342 Yeah. Not good. 960 00:54:18,951 --> 00:54:20,257 Oh, my goodness. 961 00:54:20,431 --> 00:54:22,955 Congratulations. You are a Miranda. 962 00:54:23,129 --> 00:54:26,567 Gentle and compassionate, but also relatively passive. 963 00:54:26,741 --> 00:54:28,177 Okay, I'm gonna do me next. 964 00:54:49,808 --> 00:54:51,592 I'm horny. 965 00:54:51,766 --> 00:54:52,811 DeeDee. 966 00:54:54,378 --> 00:54:56,075 I just wanna say, 967 00:54:56,249 --> 00:54:57,903 I couldn't do this without you. 968 00:55:00,253 --> 00:55:02,037 Cal, I... 969 00:55:02,211 --> 00:55:03,691 Cal and DeeDee, do you copy? 970 00:55:05,824 --> 00:55:07,478 - Donna? - This might be your one chance 971 00:55:07,652 --> 00:55:11,090 to redirect the train before you re-enter the storm. 972 00:55:11,264 --> 00:55:14,920 We just need to find a way to brake the train manually. 973 00:55:17,618 --> 00:55:19,141 Tess will know what to do. 974 00:55:20,621 --> 00:55:22,014 Who's Tess? 975 00:55:29,326 --> 00:55:30,414 Tess? 976 00:55:32,677 --> 00:55:33,765 Tess! 977 00:55:35,723 --> 00:55:36,723 Tess! 978 00:55:39,597 --> 00:55:42,426 I'll have a Denver omelet. 979 00:55:45,037 --> 00:55:46,125 Woot-woot! 980 00:55:52,305 --> 00:55:54,133 Excuse you, bitch. 981 00:56:01,575 --> 00:56:02,707 Tess! 982 00:56:06,319 --> 00:56:07,799 The Swiss twins. 983 00:56:08,626 --> 00:56:09,627 Tess! 984 00:56:10,671 --> 00:56:11,803 DeeDee? 985 00:56:11,977 --> 00:56:13,108 DeeDee! 986 00:56:13,282 --> 00:56:15,633 Hey, it's DeeDee, everybody! 987 00:56:20,333 --> 00:56:21,769 What is all this? 988 00:56:22,379 --> 00:56:25,033 I'm just trying to keep all the passengers entertained, 989 00:56:25,207 --> 00:56:27,601 you know, like the girls do on the commercial. 990 00:56:27,775 --> 00:56:30,822 The girls in the commercial did everything together. 991 00:56:30,996 --> 00:56:32,737 - What? - Everyone! 992 00:56:32,911 --> 00:56:36,436 I would just like to make a toast to Tess, 993 00:56:36,610 --> 00:56:38,830 our new best friend who is running this train 994 00:56:39,004 --> 00:56:41,398 all by herself, with absolutely no help from anyone else. 995 00:56:44,575 --> 00:56:47,360 Stop, y'all are crazy. 996 00:56:47,534 --> 00:56:50,755 Oh, DeeDee. What was it you wanted to tell me? 997 00:56:50,929 --> 00:56:52,713 You know what? Never mind. 998 00:56:52,887 --> 00:56:55,324 - What? - Never mind! 999 00:56:55,499 --> 00:56:56,499 What? 1000 00:56:56,587 --> 00:56:58,240 I said, never mind! 1001 00:56:59,459 --> 00:57:02,027 Because I can do this all by myself. 1002 00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:10,992 I'm so sorry. No offense. 1003 00:57:11,166 --> 00:57:12,864 It just smells like poor people back here. 1004 00:57:17,477 --> 00:57:19,697 Oh, hold on, the snack girl finally got here. 1005 00:57:19,871 --> 00:57:21,699 Y'all got Nutter Butters or what? 1006 00:57:22,439 --> 00:57:24,179 Sir, please don't touch me. 1007 00:57:24,919 --> 00:57:27,139 So sad. 1008 00:57:45,549 --> 00:57:47,376 According to the schematic... 1009 00:57:49,770 --> 00:57:51,859 Ah. There is an emergency brake 1010 00:57:52,033 --> 00:57:54,688 situated directly on top of the caboose. 1011 00:57:54,862 --> 00:57:59,040 But there's no way to access it from inside the train. 1012 00:57:59,214 --> 00:58:01,303 Unless someone goes out there and does it themselves. 1013 00:58:01,478 --> 00:58:03,218 Autoconduct activated. 1014 00:58:03,392 --> 00:58:06,657 Cal, that's a suicide mission. 1015 00:58:07,396 --> 00:58:09,311 DeeDee, it's time for me to prove 1016 00:58:09,486 --> 00:58:11,313 that I'm more than just a perfect face 1017 00:58:11,488 --> 00:58:13,577 or a gorgeous set of abs 1018 00:58:14,186 --> 00:58:16,405 or those little V lines right above my pelvis 1019 00:58:16,580 --> 00:58:19,496 that poke out from my low-rise jeans. 1020 00:58:20,235 --> 00:58:21,280 I'm Cal. 1021 00:58:22,324 --> 00:58:23,587 I have to do this. 1022 00:58:25,502 --> 00:58:26,981 I have to save the world. 1023 00:58:29,244 --> 00:58:30,768 Sorry. 1024 00:58:38,558 --> 00:58:40,038 All right. When I get out there, 1025 00:58:40,212 --> 00:58:42,823 I'm gonna need eyes on me from inside the cabin. 1026 00:58:42,997 --> 00:58:45,522 Just give me the signal when you need to be pulled in. 1027 00:58:45,696 --> 00:58:47,175 What's the signal? 1028 00:58:48,046 --> 00:58:49,046 This. 1029 00:58:50,527 --> 00:58:52,050 - Okay. - Uh-huh. 1030 00:58:52,224 --> 00:58:54,182 How's that sound, Donna? 1031 00:58:54,356 --> 00:58:55,880 Dumb as shit. 1032 00:58:56,054 --> 00:58:57,403 Dumb as a school made of shit 1033 00:58:57,577 --> 00:58:59,710 filled with little shit students. 1034 00:58:59,884 --> 00:59:01,407 But it's so dumb... 1035 00:59:02,277 --> 00:59:04,671 it just might work, you crazy bastard. 1036 00:59:05,106 --> 00:59:06,151 DeeDee. 1037 00:59:07,544 --> 00:59:10,068 This might be the last time we ever see each other. 1038 00:59:11,243 --> 00:59:13,767 Cal, I need to tell you something. 1039 00:59:14,812 --> 00:59:15,813 What? 1040 00:59:16,335 --> 00:59:17,597 I love you. 1041 00:59:18,119 --> 00:59:19,991 I've loved you since the first time I saw you 1042 00:59:20,165 --> 00:59:23,211 on that Conductors We Want to See the Dick Of Magazine. 1043 00:59:23,385 --> 00:59:26,345 And you don't have to say anything back to me. I just... 1044 00:59:35,136 --> 00:59:36,834 What did you need to tell me? 1045 00:59:39,184 --> 00:59:41,839 Oh! Oh. Oh, nothing. 1046 00:59:42,753 --> 00:59:44,102 You know what? 1047 00:59:44,798 --> 00:59:47,714 No, I'm done living in this fantasy. 1048 00:59:47,888 --> 00:59:49,760 I love you, Cal. 1049 00:59:50,761 --> 00:59:52,850 I said it out loud. 1050 00:59:53,024 --> 00:59:54,286 Wow, DeeDee. 1051 00:59:54,895 --> 00:59:57,332 I don't know what to say, except 1052 00:59:57,506 --> 01:00:00,161 do you want to finally see what my dick looks like? 1053 01:00:01,249 --> 01:00:02,555 Yeah. 1054 01:00:05,950 --> 01:00:07,778 - Whoa! - Whoa! 1055 01:00:07,952 --> 01:00:09,823 What did you need to tell me? 1056 01:00:11,085 --> 01:00:14,001 Oh! Good luck out there. 1057 01:00:17,265 --> 01:00:19,267 No, no, it's fine. Everybody calm down, okay? 1058 01:00:19,441 --> 01:00:21,226 There's something they're not telling us. 1059 01:00:21,400 --> 01:00:25,447 Yeah, like, is this even a train? 1060 01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:27,624 Think about it, people. 1061 01:00:27,798 --> 01:00:30,888 Does anybody remember getting on the train? 1062 01:00:32,629 --> 01:00:33,717 I do. 1063 01:00:35,457 --> 01:00:36,720 Oh, I do too, actually. 1064 01:00:39,592 --> 01:00:43,291 Why don't we see those pretty peepers? 1065 01:00:44,423 --> 01:00:46,425 Oh. 1066 01:00:46,599 --> 01:00:50,168 You know, nipples are the eyes of the face. 1067 01:00:51,517 --> 01:00:52,779 Oh! 1068 01:00:53,780 --> 01:00:54,825 Oh! 1069 01:00:54,999 --> 01:00:57,001 - Oh. - Hey, look. 1070 01:00:57,175 --> 01:01:00,961 That's the conductor. And a very large nipple. 1071 01:01:01,135 --> 01:01:03,355 Wait, who's driving the train? 1072 01:01:03,529 --> 01:01:05,836 And why is her nipple so big? 1073 01:01:06,010 --> 01:01:08,447 You're all just jealous. 1074 01:01:08,621 --> 01:01:10,014 I bet she knows. 1075 01:01:10,841 --> 01:01:13,582 I mean, look at her. Can we even trust anyone from coach? 1076 01:01:13,757 --> 01:01:15,672 She is from coach. 1077 01:01:16,847 --> 01:01:18,247 And she was in the conductor's cabin 1078 01:01:18,413 --> 01:01:20,546 the entire time we did the dance. 1079 01:01:21,460 --> 01:01:25,159 Dance? What dance? 1080 01:01:25,899 --> 01:01:30,121 Oh, just a disco-infused, late-'80s-inspired number. 1081 01:01:35,909 --> 01:01:38,869 Passengers, apologies for the confusion. 1082 01:01:39,043 --> 01:01:41,567 I'm getting word now that your first-class attendant here 1083 01:01:41,741 --> 01:01:43,395 is a two-faced bitch 1084 01:01:43,569 --> 01:01:45,963 who takes credit for the onboard entertainment choreo 1085 01:01:46,137 --> 01:01:49,270 that we came up with together. 1086 01:01:49,444 --> 01:01:51,490 - Get her ass. - Get her. Let her know. 1087 01:01:51,664 --> 01:01:53,927 Passengers, if I could direct your attention 1088 01:01:54,101 --> 01:01:56,451 to the right side of history, 1089 01:01:56,625 --> 01:01:58,802 I will let you know that I am the one 1090 01:01:58,976 --> 01:02:01,065 who came up with that choreo in the first place 1091 01:02:01,239 --> 01:02:04,459 when I had that dream that Dolly Parton made us dance at gunpoint 1092 01:02:04,633 --> 01:02:06,810 in order to escape her Rocky Mountain Labyrinth. 1093 01:02:08,463 --> 01:02:10,378 Passengers. 1094 01:02:10,552 --> 01:02:12,076 It's better to have no friends 1095 01:02:12,250 --> 01:02:15,601 than one friend who is a social-climbing skank, 1096 01:02:15,775 --> 01:02:18,647 who was just lying about us finally having our moment. 1097 01:02:18,822 --> 01:02:20,214 Passengers. 1098 01:02:20,737 --> 01:02:24,610 Maybe it's difficult for us to have our moment 1099 01:02:24,784 --> 01:02:28,309 when one of us is always holding the other one back. 1100 01:02:37,231 --> 01:02:38,231 Wha... 1101 01:02:39,451 --> 01:02:41,758 Ow! Owee, owee, owee! 1102 01:02:41,932 --> 01:02:42,932 Ooh. 1103 01:02:48,199 --> 01:02:49,983 Okay, okay. Time out, time out. 1104 01:02:50,157 --> 01:02:51,506 - Time out. - Tess, too much. 1105 01:02:51,680 --> 01:02:52,769 - Yeah. - Tess, time out. 1106 01:02:52,943 --> 01:02:54,596 - Time out. - Okay. Okay. Fine. 1107 01:03:09,916 --> 01:03:12,484 Ugh, what is that smell? 1108 01:03:13,441 --> 01:03:18,185 Oh, never mind. It's just two girls stanking up the train. 1109 01:03:21,493 --> 01:03:23,016 That's right. 1110 01:03:23,234 --> 01:03:26,019 Neither of these attendants are from Glamazonian. 1111 01:03:27,499 --> 01:03:28,935 They're impostors 1112 01:03:29,109 --> 01:03:31,764 from Stank Rail. 1113 01:03:34,506 --> 01:03:36,203 That's right. You know, the trains 1114 01:03:36,377 --> 01:03:37,737 where the seats don't even recline? 1115 01:03:40,729 --> 01:03:42,253 You lied to us, Tess. 1116 01:03:42,427 --> 01:03:44,342 You were the first woman I ever trusted. 1117 01:03:44,516 --> 01:03:45,343 No, no, no, no, no. 1118 01:03:45,517 --> 01:03:46,300 I was gonna ask you 1119 01:03:46,474 --> 01:03:47,519 to be my maid of honor. 1120 01:03:47,693 --> 01:03:49,477 And I still will be. 1121 01:03:49,651 --> 01:03:52,524 And I was gonna adopt you as my weird, sad daughter. 1122 01:03:54,004 --> 01:03:56,397 Oh, I really wanna be Tess Rina. 1123 01:03:57,181 --> 01:04:00,967 And neither one of you will ever be Glamazonian material. 1124 01:04:07,147 --> 01:04:08,714 What's this for? 1125 01:04:14,851 --> 01:04:16,461 Now let's save this train. 1126 01:04:23,555 --> 01:04:25,339 Did anybody just see that? 1127 01:04:25,513 --> 01:04:28,995 That looked like the conductor I wanted to see the dick of. 1128 01:04:30,954 --> 01:04:32,346 Cal! 1129 01:04:32,520 --> 01:04:34,740 DeeDee! 1130 01:04:34,914 --> 01:04:38,048 Call 911! 1131 01:04:47,100 --> 01:04:48,406 Great. 1132 01:04:48,580 --> 01:04:50,036 So, now we're all gonna die in this train 1133 01:04:50,060 --> 01:04:51,713 because of you two boneheads. 1134 01:04:51,888 --> 01:04:52,888 Wait. 1135 01:04:53,063 --> 01:04:54,934 Maybe we could try and stop it. 1136 01:04:55,935 --> 01:04:57,850 Get into it, girl. 1137 01:05:07,077 --> 01:05:09,557 Donna, tell it to us straight. 1138 01:05:11,559 --> 01:05:12,647 No brakes. 1139 01:05:13,213 --> 01:05:14,911 A fatal storm. 1140 01:05:15,085 --> 01:05:18,740 A dead co-conductor we really wanted to see the dick of. 1141 01:05:19,524 --> 01:05:21,134 I'd say our odds are... 1142 01:05:22,092 --> 01:05:25,878 a .01 percent chance of survival. 1143 01:05:26,052 --> 01:05:27,619 Tell it to us gay. 1144 01:05:27,880 --> 01:05:29,945 Oh, you give me a half-hour, I go over to Home Depot. 1145 01:05:29,969 --> 01:05:31,275 I load my Subaru with tools. 1146 01:05:31,449 --> 01:05:33,320 I pay my ex Deb some vegan jerky to help me. 1147 01:05:33,494 --> 01:05:35,496 We fix that train in, like, 20 minutes. 1148 01:05:35,670 --> 01:05:37,498 - Boy gay. - Oh, sorry. 1149 01:05:37,672 --> 01:05:39,674 Girl! 1150 01:05:44,941 --> 01:05:46,725 Donna, pack up your desk. 1151 01:05:46,899 --> 01:05:48,596 - What? Why? - Well... 1152 01:05:49,249 --> 01:05:50,816 we have to blame someone for all this, 1153 01:05:50,990 --> 01:05:53,775 and you're the only woman wearing glasses. 1154 01:05:53,950 --> 01:05:55,473 You know, Chet, every day 1155 01:05:55,647 --> 01:05:58,432 I come to work at this office with a sword in my side, 1156 01:05:58,606 --> 01:06:00,565 knowing you're just gonna push it in further, 1157 01:06:00,739 --> 01:06:02,828 but I still come in. Why? 1158 01:06:03,655 --> 01:06:04,873 Because I'm a human being. 1159 01:06:05,483 --> 01:06:08,268 A human being who happens to be a woman. 1160 01:06:09,095 --> 01:06:13,099 But not just a woman. I am my mother's daughter 1161 01:06:13,273 --> 01:06:15,884 and her daughters before her and her daughters before her 1162 01:06:16,059 --> 01:06:18,539 in a never-ending line of daughters. 1163 01:06:51,703 --> 01:06:52,834 The usual? 1164 01:06:53,531 --> 01:06:56,012 Barbra? You're a bartender now? 1165 01:06:57,970 --> 01:06:59,232 Who's Barbra? 1166 01:07:04,368 --> 01:07:05,934 Hard day? 1167 01:07:06,109 --> 01:07:07,501 You don't know the half of it. 1168 01:07:09,068 --> 01:07:10,765 Try having half the country 1169 01:07:10,939 --> 01:07:13,029 think of you as a laughing stock. 1170 01:07:14,247 --> 01:07:15,814 Madam President? 1171 01:07:16,510 --> 01:07:17,642 You knew it was me? 1172 01:07:18,817 --> 01:07:20,427 But I'm wearing a disguise. 1173 01:07:21,037 --> 01:07:23,865 Shouldn't you be running the country? 1174 01:07:24,040 --> 01:07:25,432 Oh, I'm running all right. 1175 01:07:25,606 --> 01:07:29,175 Running from my past. 1176 01:07:29,349 --> 01:07:31,569 Well, whatever it is, I'm sure it's not that bad. 1177 01:07:32,570 --> 01:07:35,225 I ran over a toddler with a train. 1178 01:07:36,443 --> 01:07:37,618 Oh. 1179 01:07:38,358 --> 01:07:41,231 I did it, and then I buried it. 1180 01:07:41,405 --> 01:07:43,450 Just like they buried that toddler, 1181 01:07:43,624 --> 01:07:46,366 or at least whatever they could find of her. 1182 01:07:46,540 --> 01:07:50,109 All so that I could run for president. 1183 01:07:50,283 --> 01:07:53,460 Just like that toddler ran across those train tracks 1184 01:07:53,634 --> 01:07:56,072 and then exploded on impact. 1185 01:07:57,247 --> 01:07:59,075 Well, it could be worse. 1186 01:07:59,945 --> 01:08:01,816 You could be the reason an entire train 1187 01:08:01,990 --> 01:08:03,818 full of people crashes. 1188 01:08:06,821 --> 01:08:08,562 You're right. 1189 01:08:08,736 --> 01:08:12,610 I mean, there's probably five or six toddlers on there at least. 1190 01:08:15,743 --> 01:08:19,443 To running away from life's problems. 1191 01:08:23,273 --> 01:08:24,993 You know, I don't think you're running away. 1192 01:08:26,363 --> 01:08:27,668 I think you're stuck. 1193 01:08:28,843 --> 01:08:31,194 Just like I was stuck in that control tower. 1194 01:08:32,195 --> 01:08:36,547 We're sitting here avoiding our problems when we should be... 1195 01:08:36,721 --> 01:08:38,592 Ignoring them. 1196 01:08:40,203 --> 01:08:43,293 Bo... Bomb... Bombing... Bombing them? 1197 01:08:44,598 --> 01:08:45,686 Eating them. 1198 01:08:47,297 --> 01:08:50,691 - Hurdling towards them. - Towards them. 1199 01:08:51,388 --> 01:08:53,303 Hurdling right towards them. 1200 01:08:53,477 --> 01:08:54,608 Yes. 1201 01:08:55,218 --> 01:08:56,697 Yes! 1202 01:08:56,871 --> 01:08:58,960 Yes! Yes! 1203 01:08:59,135 --> 01:09:01,354 You know, I was gonna say that 1204 01:09:02,225 --> 01:09:04,183 because that's who I am, you know? 1205 01:09:04,357 --> 01:09:07,055 Hurdling towards them and solving this. 1206 01:09:07,230 --> 01:09:09,145 That is... That is brilliant. 1207 01:09:09,319 --> 01:09:10,668 That's brilliant. 1208 01:09:10,842 --> 01:09:13,932 Hurdling towards them. 1209 01:09:15,542 --> 01:09:18,676 Bitch, we've got a train to catch. 1210 01:09:18,850 --> 01:09:20,243 Last will and testament? 1211 01:09:20,417 --> 01:09:21,679 Last will and testament? 1212 01:09:22,375 --> 01:09:24,377 - Last will and testament? - I'll take one. 1213 01:09:25,161 --> 01:09:26,727 Last will and testament? 1214 01:09:26,901 --> 01:09:28,555 - Wow. - Last will and testament? 1215 01:09:39,349 --> 01:09:40,915 You come back here to die with me? 1216 01:09:41,829 --> 01:09:42,874 Oh, wait. 1217 01:09:44,267 --> 01:09:46,356 I'd probably hold you back from that, too, right? 1218 01:09:46,530 --> 01:09:48,575 Deedles, I'm sorry. 1219 01:09:48,749 --> 01:09:50,249 You know I didn't mean any of those things 1220 01:09:50,273 --> 01:09:51,578 that I said to you. I just... 1221 01:09:52,710 --> 01:09:54,668 For the first time, I felt like our lives 1222 01:09:54,842 --> 01:09:58,890 were finally about to begin, you know? 1223 01:09:59,064 --> 01:10:01,458 I guess it was always just meant to end like this. 1224 01:10:05,288 --> 01:10:07,942 Tess, I'll be honest with you. 1225 01:10:08,726 --> 01:10:13,992 Before this morning, I thought our lives had started years ago. 1226 01:10:14,166 --> 01:10:17,778 - When? - The day we met at THA. 1227 01:10:18,692 --> 01:10:21,608 - Train Hostess Academy. - Train Hostess Academy. 1228 01:10:22,566 --> 01:10:24,785 Deedles, we were supposed to do big things. 1229 01:10:24,959 --> 01:10:26,439 Like see the world, 1230 01:10:26,613 --> 01:10:29,050 like those four gay guys stuck up on that mountain. 1231 01:10:30,095 --> 01:10:32,750 You know, I think I saw them passing by the window earlier. 1232 01:10:32,924 --> 01:10:34,360 Is that what that was? 1233 01:10:34,534 --> 01:10:36,406 Oh! 1234 01:10:37,885 --> 01:10:39,626 We're doing it, Tess. 1235 01:10:40,279 --> 01:10:41,802 Like we always have been. 1236 01:10:42,412 --> 01:10:46,416 Oh, if I'm gonna die in a fiery crash next to my best friend, 1237 01:10:46,590 --> 01:10:49,549 I don't wanna do it in these tacky-ass uniforms. 1238 01:10:54,772 --> 01:10:56,295 I can't wait to get this off. 1239 01:10:57,165 --> 01:10:59,167 I hate this. 1240 01:10:59,864 --> 01:11:02,562 - Do you hear that? - Geronimo! 1241 01:11:13,660 --> 01:11:16,272 Who says we have to crash? 1242 01:11:18,491 --> 01:11:21,712 All right, let's pack it up, folks. This is so boring. 1243 01:11:21,886 --> 01:11:25,368 Wait. Who says we have to crash? 1244 01:11:26,717 --> 01:11:27,979 No one said that. 1245 01:11:29,459 --> 01:11:31,983 Is this a joke? Certainly, they won't be able to pick me up. 1246 01:11:32,157 --> 01:11:33,593 They're women, and no... 1247 01:11:33,767 --> 01:11:36,814 Whoa! Whoa! They're doing it, you guys. 1248 01:11:36,988 --> 01:11:38,598 Let's save the train, people. 1249 01:11:39,164 --> 01:11:42,036 By that, I don't mean people with wheels as arms 1250 01:11:42,210 --> 01:11:45,692 and headlamps as eyes and a smokestack for a head. 1251 01:11:45,866 --> 01:11:48,018 And we wouldn't wanna save those people anyway. They're freaks. 1252 01:11:48,042 --> 01:11:49,827 Like, what is their blood, passengers? 1253 01:11:50,001 --> 01:11:52,743 No, I mean, let's save the train, people. 1254 01:11:53,526 --> 01:11:54,527 Yeah! 1255 01:11:55,746 --> 01:11:57,878 ♪ That my BFF, she the shit ♪ 1256 01:11:58,052 --> 01:12:01,621 ♪ Sister from another mister That my twin, thick and thin ♪ 1257 01:12:01,795 --> 01:12:04,320 ♪ We the baddest in the world Can't name nobody badder ♪ 1258 01:12:04,494 --> 01:12:07,105 ♪ It's just me and her Nobody else don't even matter ♪ 1259 01:12:07,279 --> 01:12:09,586 ♪ That my BFF, that my sis ♪ 1260 01:12:09,760 --> 01:12:12,589 ♪ Sister from another mister That my twin ♪ 1261 01:12:12,763 --> 01:12:14,242 ♪ Thick and thin Just like that ♪ 1262 01:12:14,417 --> 01:12:15,679 ♪ Have my back ♪ 1263 01:12:15,853 --> 01:12:17,289 ♪ If your bestie in the club ♪ 1264 01:12:17,463 --> 01:12:18,290 ♪ Where she at? ♪ 1265 01:12:18,464 --> 01:12:20,336 Look who's here. 1266 01:12:20,510 --> 01:12:22,207 Are they really gonna die in those clothes? 1267 01:12:22,381 --> 01:12:24,557 Well, it looks like they already did. 1268 01:12:24,731 --> 01:12:26,124 Excuse us, ladies. 1269 01:12:26,298 --> 01:12:27,343 But we've got work to do. 1270 01:12:27,517 --> 01:12:29,170 Oh, and by the way, Amber, 1271 01:12:29,867 --> 01:12:31,627 I'm sorry we ever asked to be part of your little group 1272 01:12:31,651 --> 01:12:33,044 in the first place. 1273 01:12:33,218 --> 01:12:35,046 At least now I know what a real best friend 1274 01:12:35,220 --> 01:12:36,264 looks like. 1275 01:12:36,874 --> 01:12:37,918 You mean me, right? 1276 01:12:38,092 --> 01:12:39,093 Yeah. 1277 01:12:40,007 --> 01:12:42,662 Oh, my God. Just rent the U-Haul 1278 01:12:42,836 --> 01:12:44,490 and buy the Birkenstocks already, ladies. 1279 01:12:44,664 --> 01:12:45,404 Barf. 1280 01:12:45,578 --> 01:12:48,189 I got this. 1281 01:12:49,147 --> 01:12:50,714 Amber, is it? 1282 01:12:52,237 --> 01:12:54,457 - Apparently this is first class. - Mm-hm. 1283 01:12:54,631 --> 01:12:58,374 But that face of yours is screaming basic economy. 1284 01:12:58,548 --> 01:13:01,551 Fried hair, migrating filler. 1285 01:13:01,725 --> 01:13:04,075 And the only bags you forgot to check 1286 01:13:04,249 --> 01:13:06,556 are under those overlined eyes 1287 01:13:06,730 --> 01:13:10,647 that make you look like a spooked horse. 1288 01:13:12,475 --> 01:13:15,478 Next time you come for Tess or DeeDee, 1289 01:13:15,652 --> 01:13:20,004 remember, you just got a presidential address, 1290 01:13:20,787 --> 01:13:26,053 and it's 1600 Out-Of-My-Way-Bitch Boulevard. 1291 01:13:27,054 --> 01:13:28,273 Oh, Amber. 1292 01:13:32,799 --> 01:13:34,061 Because reading is what? 1293 01:13:34,235 --> 01:13:36,150 Fundamental! 1294 01:13:42,766 --> 01:13:44,898 Glamazonian Express, can you read me? 1295 01:13:45,072 --> 01:13:46,422 Can you read me? 1296 01:13:46,596 --> 01:13:47,876 Should I start with those shoes? 1297 01:13:48,032 --> 01:13:50,730 - Shut up. - Uh, loud and clear, Donna. 1298 01:13:50,904 --> 01:13:52,882 - Tell her about the president. - You're not gonna believe it. 1299 01:13:52,906 --> 01:13:55,431 The president has boarded the train by... 1300 01:13:55,605 --> 01:13:57,171 Wait. How did you get on the train? 1301 01:13:57,345 --> 01:14:00,174 No time. What are we looking at, Donna? 1302 01:14:00,348 --> 01:14:02,481 All right, you'll be coming up on the storm shortly. 1303 01:14:03,134 --> 01:14:06,442 I'm uploading a 3-D rendering to your comms. 1304 01:14:06,964 --> 01:14:08,487 Now, once you're there, 1305 01:14:08,661 --> 01:14:10,489 you'll have to find a way to stop that train 1306 01:14:10,663 --> 01:14:13,884 - with no brakes. - No brakes? 1307 01:14:14,058 --> 01:14:15,738 Otherwise, it'll crash into the final stop. 1308 01:14:16,974 --> 01:14:18,497 Crash. 1309 01:14:18,671 --> 01:14:20,891 Now the stop should be empty except for 1310 01:14:21,065 --> 01:14:22,980 the Make-A-Wish field trip that's visiting. 1311 01:14:23,633 --> 01:14:25,156 I... I shouldn't do this. 1312 01:14:25,330 --> 01:14:26,810 - What? - No. No. 1313 01:14:26,984 --> 01:14:29,421 One of you will have to stop the train. 1314 01:14:29,595 --> 01:14:30,944 - What? - One of you 1315 01:14:31,118 --> 01:14:32,356 will have to stop this train instead. 1316 01:14:32,380 --> 01:14:34,774 I will guide you. Go on. 1317 01:14:34,948 --> 01:14:35,949 Go. 1318 01:14:36,297 --> 01:14:38,474 T-minus one minute until the storm. 1319 01:14:38,648 --> 01:14:40,040 Whatever T-minus means. 1320 01:14:41,302 --> 01:14:43,348 Someone needs to be the conductor. 1321 01:14:43,522 --> 01:14:44,741 Tess. 1322 01:14:47,134 --> 01:14:49,049 - Tess, what are you doing? - Look, Deedles. 1323 01:14:49,223 --> 01:14:51,617 I know I am always saying that this is our moment, 1324 01:14:51,791 --> 01:14:54,228 but right now it's yours. 1325 01:14:57,667 --> 01:14:59,538 Madam President, are you sure about this? 1326 01:14:59,712 --> 01:15:01,540 I've never been more sure 1327 01:15:01,714 --> 01:15:04,456 about anything in my life. 1328 01:15:09,156 --> 01:15:10,156 Hello? 1329 01:15:10,244 --> 01:15:11,463 Oh. 1330 01:15:12,682 --> 01:15:14,988 Sorry. Never mind. 1331 01:15:16,163 --> 01:15:17,382 Now listen up. 1332 01:15:18,252 --> 01:15:22,648 When you get in there, you listen to everything I say. 1333 01:15:22,822 --> 01:15:26,478 Because this whole country is counting on you. 1334 01:15:27,784 --> 01:15:29,437 Any last words? 1335 01:15:30,482 --> 01:15:31,527 Good luck. 1336 01:15:31,701 --> 01:15:35,139 And don't fuck it up. 1337 01:15:35,313 --> 01:15:36,923 What's taking so long? 1338 01:15:41,058 --> 01:15:42,842 Okay, girls, buckle up. 1339 01:15:43,016 --> 01:15:46,106 - What's the plan? - We need to shut off the engine 1340 01:15:46,280 --> 01:15:48,718 and eject it from the train 1341 01:15:48,892 --> 01:15:52,112 so we can explode it out of its sexy little undercarriage. 1342 01:15:52,286 --> 01:15:53,374 What? 1343 01:15:53,549 --> 01:15:55,072 Then we can use it as an anchor 1344 01:15:55,246 --> 01:15:56,552 to slow us down. 1345 01:15:56,726 --> 01:15:59,206 Look for a small blue button. 1346 01:16:00,381 --> 01:16:02,253 Blue button. Uh... 1347 01:16:27,017 --> 01:16:28,457 Okay, well, that clearly didn't work. 1348 01:16:28,496 --> 01:16:30,629 Uh... What about 1349 01:16:30,803 --> 01:16:31,803 this one? 1350 01:16:34,328 --> 01:16:35,895 Mom. 1351 01:16:36,069 --> 01:16:38,245 I'm sorry. She always does this. 1352 01:16:38,419 --> 01:16:40,465 I'm fine now. I just needed a snack. 1353 01:16:40,639 --> 01:16:43,947 It's like that movie with the guy, that, like, actor, 1354 01:16:44,121 --> 01:16:45,601 and then they're on a desert island 1355 01:16:45,775 --> 01:16:47,211 and his best friend's a baseball. 1356 01:16:47,385 --> 01:16:48,429 We're running out of time. 1357 01:16:48,604 --> 01:16:49,909 Okay, I know. I'm trying. 1358 01:16:50,083 --> 01:16:53,217 Um... Wait, wait. I found it. 1359 01:17:13,280 --> 01:17:15,021 It's working. We're slowing down. 1360 01:17:15,195 --> 01:17:16,370 Donna, what's up ahead? 1361 01:17:16,544 --> 01:17:17,850 Okay, girls. 1362 01:17:18,024 --> 01:17:19,939 You're not gonna believe what I'm seeing. 1363 01:17:22,115 --> 01:17:24,814 We're coming up on a few irregular weather patterns. 1364 01:17:25,423 --> 01:17:26,729 Hold her steady, ladies. 1365 01:17:28,469 --> 01:17:30,167 We're seeing extreme lightning. 1366 01:17:34,867 --> 01:17:35,999 Heavy fog. 1367 01:17:36,173 --> 01:17:38,088 Deedles, where are you? 1368 01:17:38,262 --> 01:17:41,004 Tess, I can't see, so I have to speak loud. 1369 01:17:41,178 --> 01:17:43,963 No, you really don't. I am right here. Just reach out. 1370 01:17:44,137 --> 01:17:46,009 A lot of water. 1371 01:17:46,183 --> 01:17:48,489 Look, there's a blowfish. 1372 01:17:48,664 --> 01:17:52,058 Oh, it's blowing the angel fish. 1373 01:17:52,232 --> 01:17:54,713 Passengers, please be aware that your safety vest 1374 01:17:54,887 --> 01:17:57,020 also doubles as a flotation device. 1375 01:17:57,629 --> 01:18:00,110 To inflate, just pull the tab. 1376 01:18:01,285 --> 01:18:02,939 Ooh. 1377 01:18:04,636 --> 01:18:07,552 The only way out is through. 1378 01:18:08,988 --> 01:18:10,120 You girls got this, right? 1379 01:18:10,947 --> 01:18:13,819 I'll be cheering you on from back here. 1380 01:18:22,959 --> 01:18:25,439 - You girls need pretzels? - No, thanks. 1381 01:18:25,613 --> 01:18:27,398 Or a seltzer? Seltzer? 1382 01:18:27,572 --> 01:18:31,924 Ladies, it has been a pleasure playing with you tonight. 1383 01:18:41,586 --> 01:18:43,893 You're entering a zone of extreme pressure. 1384 01:18:45,938 --> 01:18:48,898 Oh, great. Where did that come from? 1385 01:18:49,072 --> 01:18:50,203 Oh, fuck. 1386 01:18:50,769 --> 01:18:52,292 Some very extreme pressure 1387 01:18:52,466 --> 01:18:54,338 might be enough to shatter the windows. 1388 01:18:57,776 --> 01:18:59,343 Almost there. 1389 01:18:59,517 --> 01:19:01,040 And they've got the hummus packs. 1390 01:19:01,214 --> 01:19:02,912 You know, with the pretzels on the side? 1391 01:19:03,086 --> 01:19:06,306 You know, I keep some of these in the Resolute Desk. 1392 01:19:07,743 --> 01:19:08,743 What's this doing here? 1393 01:19:15,489 --> 01:19:16,729 Deedles, I can see the station. 1394 01:19:16,839 --> 01:19:18,079 We're almost through the storm. 1395 01:19:20,451 --> 01:19:22,975 Tess, I think there's something wrong with the window. 1396 01:19:28,372 --> 01:19:29,503 Tess! 1397 01:19:29,677 --> 01:19:30,678 DeeDee! 1398 01:19:30,853 --> 01:19:32,506 Tess! 1399 01:19:36,206 --> 01:19:38,295 Tess! 1400 01:19:38,948 --> 01:19:39,948 Tess. 1401 01:19:40,993 --> 01:19:42,603 - Tess! - DeeDee! 1402 01:19:42,908 --> 01:19:44,170 - Tess! - DeeDee! 1403 01:19:45,389 --> 01:19:46,433 What is that? 1404 01:19:46,607 --> 01:19:47,607 It's a dog on two legs 1405 01:19:47,739 --> 01:19:49,262 pushing a shopping cart. 1406 01:19:49,436 --> 01:19:50,829 No, what's that? 1407 01:19:55,355 --> 01:19:57,705 As if this day couldn't get any worse. 1408 01:19:57,880 --> 01:19:59,142 Tess! 1409 01:19:59,316 --> 01:20:02,101 - Tess. - Take my hand. 1410 01:20:06,802 --> 01:20:09,543 Tess. You have to let me go. 1411 01:20:09,717 --> 01:20:11,894 No, I'll never let go. 1412 01:20:12,851 --> 01:20:14,897 We'll always have the memories. 1413 01:20:35,265 --> 01:20:37,528 Is it weird that I can't remember anything 1414 01:20:37,702 --> 01:20:39,530 that didn't happen today? 1415 01:20:39,704 --> 01:20:41,749 Yeah, me too. 1416 01:20:58,592 --> 01:20:59,942 Well done. 1417 01:21:22,921 --> 01:21:24,488 Can you please turn that down? 1418 01:22:10,882 --> 01:22:12,492 We did it. 1419 01:22:13,667 --> 01:22:14,668 We did it. 1420 01:22:28,856 --> 01:22:31,859 You know, I'm just getting out of something, 1421 01:22:32,034 --> 01:22:35,080 so not really looking for anything serious right now. 1422 01:22:36,908 --> 01:22:38,431 But it was really fun. 1423 01:22:41,782 --> 01:22:44,176 You first. I'm gonna go slip 1424 01:22:44,350 --> 01:22:46,265 into something a little more comfortable. 1425 01:22:46,439 --> 01:22:47,527 Okay. 1426 01:22:53,490 --> 01:22:55,971 - Tess. - Deedles. 1427 01:22:59,365 --> 01:23:00,410 Oh. 1428 01:23:10,376 --> 01:23:11,725 Come on. Let's go. 1429 01:23:17,427 --> 01:23:19,298 Look who it is. Look who it is. Come on. 1430 01:23:19,472 --> 01:23:22,606 Finally, people who know who I am. Oh! 1431 01:23:22,780 --> 01:23:24,477 No, DeeDee, I think nobody can tell 1432 01:23:24,651 --> 01:23:27,176 - you're not wearing pants. - Yes, they can tell. 1433 01:23:27,350 --> 01:23:29,790 - There's so many people here. - My goodness. Hi, how are you? 1434 01:23:29,874 --> 01:23:31,006 Hi. 1435 01:23:31,528 --> 01:23:33,443 Well, it's a little moist here, isn't it? 1436 01:23:33,617 --> 01:23:35,793 - It's a little moist. - We've never been to Florida. 1437 01:23:36,750 --> 01:23:39,101 Tess, DeeDee, you just saved countless lives. 1438 01:23:39,275 --> 01:23:40,711 Tell me how you feel. 1439 01:23:41,451 --> 01:23:43,192 I just wish Cal could have seen this. 1440 01:23:43,366 --> 01:23:45,237 - Aw. - DeeDee! 1441 01:23:46,673 --> 01:23:48,936 Cal, you're alive. 1442 01:23:49,111 --> 01:23:50,851 I know when I fell into the ravine, 1443 01:23:51,026 --> 01:23:53,332 it looked like I was definitely gonna die, 1444 01:23:53,506 --> 01:23:54,942 but I didn't. 1445 01:23:55,117 --> 01:23:56,770 I broke every bone in my body. 1446 01:23:56,944 --> 01:23:59,208 All I thought about was you, DeeDee. 1447 01:23:59,382 --> 01:24:01,471 On the brink of death, I was rescued 1448 01:24:01,645 --> 01:24:03,647 by a valet who was on a hike. 1449 01:24:03,821 --> 01:24:06,867 She was incredibly well-trained, and her name was... 1450 01:24:07,042 --> 01:24:08,913 Wait, Barb? How did you... 1451 01:24:09,087 --> 01:24:11,872 I'm a lot of things, girls, but nothing for too long. 1452 01:24:13,700 --> 01:24:15,615 Barbra, you're an angel. 1453 01:24:15,789 --> 01:24:19,706 Cal, I need to tell you something. 1454 01:24:19,880 --> 01:24:22,666 What, that you're in love with me? 1455 01:24:23,623 --> 01:24:26,191 - How did you know? - Because you said it, like, 1456 01:24:26,365 --> 01:24:28,628 eight times in the conductor cabin. 1457 01:24:28,802 --> 01:24:31,240 You kept looking at me, and then you would just glaze over 1458 01:24:31,414 --> 01:24:33,851 like you were fantasizing about something. 1459 01:24:34,025 --> 01:24:37,463 And sometimes, you looked at my body too. 1460 01:24:39,291 --> 01:24:41,076 I don't know why this is taking so long. 1461 01:24:41,250 --> 01:24:42,642 Just kiss already. 1462 01:24:45,863 --> 01:24:47,343 Ow! My shoulder! 1463 01:24:48,822 --> 01:24:51,216 You grabbed my exposed bone. 1464 01:24:52,087 --> 01:24:54,176 DeeDee, meet me in the ICU. 1465 01:24:54,350 --> 01:24:56,700 - I need to use your insurance. - He does like you. 1466 01:24:56,874 --> 01:24:58,571 I can't believe you did that. 1467 01:25:00,530 --> 01:25:02,358 Thank you, Madam President. 1468 01:25:02,532 --> 01:25:04,011 No, Donna. 1469 01:25:04,186 --> 01:25:06,927 Thank little Joanie Muggins. 1470 01:25:09,539 --> 01:25:10,670 Who? 1471 01:25:11,280 --> 01:25:13,456 Tess, DeeDee, a word for the Times. 1472 01:25:13,630 --> 01:25:17,329 Oh, we did it, DeeDee. We saw America. 1473 01:25:19,592 --> 01:25:21,028 You heard it here first. 1474 01:25:21,203 --> 01:25:23,466 We are live from Celebration, Florida. 1475 01:25:23,640 --> 01:25:27,034 This is Shayna Gefilte-Manischevitz. 1476 01:25:28,384 --> 01:25:30,168 Wait. One more thing. 1477 01:25:30,342 --> 01:25:31,735 We're missing someone. 1478 01:25:55,498 --> 01:25:57,282 ♪ All aboard the party train ♪ 1479 01:25:57,456 --> 01:25:58,892 ♪ Hurry up and don't be late ♪ 1480 01:25:59,066 --> 01:26:00,416 ♪ Doo wop, don't you stop ♪ 1481 01:26:00,590 --> 01:26:01,982 I mean, the only thing that worked 1482 01:26:02,157 --> 01:26:04,811 on this whole train is I got snacks once. 1483 01:26:04,985 --> 01:26:06,509 Can you believe we didn't even die? 1484 01:26:06,683 --> 01:26:08,380 Have a lovely day, sir. 1485 01:26:09,033 --> 01:26:11,688 NASA, The Real Housewives of Potomac, 1486 01:26:11,862 --> 01:26:14,647 BET, MTV, VH1. 1487 01:26:14,821 --> 01:26:18,085 XstyleC. 1488 01:26:18,956 --> 01:26:20,218 Sorry, guys. 1489 01:26:20,392 --> 01:26:22,220 One of which just got burned up by... 1490 01:26:22,960 --> 01:26:25,180 Mine fire that's been burning for 50 years. 1491 01:26:26,181 --> 01:26:27,747 I'm sorry. 1492 01:26:30,663 --> 01:26:33,057 Five, six, seven, eight. 1493 01:26:33,710 --> 01:26:36,930 Oh, my God. Damn. 1494 01:26:39,194 --> 01:26:40,847 We hope you enjoyed your ride. 1495 01:26:41,021 --> 01:26:42,893 Please come back and see us again soon. 1496 01:26:46,070 --> 01:26:48,638 Thank you for choosing Glamazonian Express. 1497 01:26:48,812 --> 01:26:51,989 - Hope you had a nice trip. - Enjoy your day. 1498 01:26:52,163 --> 01:26:54,034 - Talk about dead weight, right? - Mm. 1499 01:26:54,209 --> 01:26:56,994 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah. 1500 01:26:57,168 --> 01:26:58,691 - Oh. - Oh. 1501 01:26:58,865 --> 01:27:00,084 Okay. Cut. 1502 01:27:00,258 --> 01:27:01,738 Cutting. Cutting. 1503 01:27:01,912 --> 01:27:05,132 Nice ascot. I wish your ass got hit by a bus. 1504 01:27:09,006 --> 01:27:11,182 Oh, shit. Okay. I'm sorry. 1505 01:27:11,356 --> 01:27:13,097 - Okay. - Don't forget your bag. 1506 01:27:13,271 --> 01:27:14,968 We hope you enjoyed your ride. 1507 01:27:15,142 --> 01:27:16,448 Whee! 1508 01:27:19,973 --> 01:27:21,584 The conductor would like us to tell you 1509 01:27:21,758 --> 01:27:25,849 that we're approaching inclement weather ahead. 1510 01:27:27,546 --> 01:27:30,419 I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have looked at you. 1511 01:27:31,158 --> 01:27:34,031 Congratulations, you are a Miranda. 1512 01:27:34,205 --> 01:27:36,555 Gentle and compassionate, but also... 1513 01:27:40,298 --> 01:27:41,298 Okay. 1514 01:27:41,343 --> 01:27:42,343 I hope you had a pleasant 1515 01:27:42,474 --> 01:27:43,562 and enjoyable ride. 1516 01:27:43,736 --> 01:27:45,303 Come back again soon. 1517 01:27:47,653 --> 01:27:51,266 You see, this is exactly why we don't talk to you girls. 1518 01:27:54,878 --> 01:27:59,143 You see, this is exactly... Would you stop it. Sorry. 1519 01:27:59,317 --> 01:28:01,014 - My face hidden? - You are. 1520 01:28:06,368 --> 01:28:09,501 You see, this... 1521 01:28:11,198 --> 01:28:13,897 Sorry. Fuck. I got it, I got it, okay. Here we go. 1522 01:28:14,071 --> 01:28:16,116 And look right into the camera. Mouth open. 1523 01:28:16,291 --> 01:28:18,641 The burning flesh! 1524 01:28:20,773 --> 01:28:23,123 And... Cut. 1525 01:28:23,298 --> 01:28:25,169 - Come again. - I plan on it. 1526 01:28:25,343 --> 01:28:26,388 Oh! 1527 01:28:27,040 --> 01:28:28,172 What the hell? 1528 01:28:34,483 --> 01:28:36,267 This is so stupid. 1529 01:28:38,095 --> 01:28:39,879 ♪ All aboard the party train ♪ 1530 01:28:44,231 --> 01:28:45,929 - Have a lovely day. - Love your nails. 1531 01:28:46,103 --> 01:28:47,626 - You would. - Oh, God. 1532 01:28:49,193 --> 01:28:52,762 And you two will never be Glamazonian material. 1533 01:28:57,506 --> 01:29:00,683 Okay. Wow. 1534 01:29:00,857 --> 01:29:02,598 And cut. Okay. 1535 01:29:02,772 --> 01:29:04,600 On to the next scene. 1536 01:29:04,774 --> 01:29:06,689 - What is that? - What is this? 1537 01:29:07,516 --> 01:29:09,605 I think it's shampoo. 1538 01:29:09,779 --> 01:29:11,781 - Is that funny? - Is it shampoo? 1539 01:29:11,955 --> 01:29:14,261 Okay, cut. Let's clean up their hands, please. 1540 01:29:14,436 --> 01:29:16,076 - Well, it smells good. - It smells great. 1541 01:29:16,699 --> 01:29:18,099 Thank you for riding with us, ma'am. 1542 01:29:18,265 --> 01:29:19,528 Please don't touch me. 1543 01:29:22,269 --> 01:29:24,271 - Ugh, it was polyblend. - Mm. 1544 01:29:24,446 --> 01:29:26,839 Don't worry. I've got this. 1545 01:29:29,320 --> 01:29:30,800 - Passengers! - Oh, my God. 1546 01:29:30,974 --> 01:29:33,977 So too early. Nun. 1547 01:29:39,025 --> 01:29:40,545 - Religious freedom. - You're so sweet. 1548 01:29:40,679 --> 01:29:42,202 I'm glad you're praying for everybody. 1549 01:29:42,377 --> 01:29:45,815 Oh, wait! Stop that train! 1550 01:29:45,989 --> 01:29:47,556 Thank you for choosing Glamazonian. 1551 01:29:47,730 --> 01:29:49,819 - Yuck, not you again. - Wait, but I'm... 1552 01:29:49,993 --> 01:29:51,734 - That's lovely. - Oh! 1553 01:30:03,136 --> 01:30:05,051 Uh... Hello? 1554 01:30:07,314 --> 01:30:08,490 Hello? 110066