Original subtitles

Casey, guess what happened this morning. Go ahead, guess.

Something great? Something really great. One of my regulars, Mr. Allison, gave me

a pair of third-row tickets to the hottest musical on Broadway.

You really don't get out much, do you?

You got tickets to the hottest musical on Broadway? You got tickets to rent?

Yes!

Well, how's it feel to be less hip than Roy? Really bad.

Chapel, I envy you. I am dying to see that show.

Why don't any of my regulars ever give me anything? Hey, you.

You've flown this airline before. Give me something.

Coffee, Helen.

Oh, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Make that fresca.

Fresca? You never ordered fresca.

Exactly.

Number 81 on my list.

Try fresca.

Are you all right, Antonio? You look a little weird-er.

I wasn't going to say anything, but yesterday I had a brush with death.

I was passing by the video store, and I thought, hmm, I wonder if the new Jackie

Chan is in. So I went inside, and just then a car jumps the curb right where I

had been standing.

If I wasn't such a big Chan fan, I'd be dead.

And you two would be weeping right now, weeping at my funeral. Well, actually,

she'd be weeping. I've got tickets to rent.

Anyway, I made a list of all the things I've never done that I want to do before

I die. And Fresca made the cut?

Feels wonderful to stop putting things off and just go for it.

Okay, tried it.

For instance, I realize I've never told certain people, you know, how much they

meant to me. So last night, I just picked up the phone. You wouldn't

believe the response I got.

If you ever call me at 2 a.m. again, I will kill you.

Then, I will hurt you.

He won't admit it, but I touched him.

What did I tell you about going out for cheetahs with fangs?

No, no, no. I was driving to work this morning, and I suddenly got really

dizzy. So I stopped by Dr.

Grant's, and it turns out I've got an inner ear infection. My equilibrium is

completely messed up. Oh, honey.

Well, he's a terrific doctor. Just do everything he says, and you'll be better

in no time. Because I can't fly for three days. Oh, what is that quack? No.

You have to fly.

We're going to New York tonight to see Rent.

We are? Yeah, one of my customers gave us free tickets.

Wow, it's supposed to be a great show. I don't feel sick. I think I'll be okay.

That's a spirit.

See that? You got right back up.

Well, I guess we can go some other time.

Sure we can.

Oh, that's not what you're supposed to say. When I say we can go some other

time, you're supposed to say, no, honey, I'll be fine. You go with someone else.

Helen, I told you.

You have to give me a signal when you speak in code.

Who am I going to take?

Casey's got to work.

Faye's already seen. I want to go. I want to go. I want to go. Please.

Ryan.

Ryan, tell me you're not doing anything tonight.

Well, I had a date, but something happened in front of the video store, so

I'm free.

Great. We are going to New York.

I've got tickets to see Rent.

Rent?

I've heard of that. It's like a musical, isn't it? Yeah, only the hottest one on

Broadway. Isn't it exciting?

No, I hate musicals.

Except for Cats.

I love Cats.

Why don't you take Joe?

Oh, he's sick.

Come on, I don't have anyone else to go with.

Take me, take me, take me, please.

Brian, we'll never hang out. You know, just you and me. Since Joe and I got

married, it'll be a chance for us to spend some time together.

And the whole evening's on me.

What do you say?

Any nudity?

Looks like you're wearing that sheer blouse. Not you.

I'm talking about the musical. If I have to watch people sing, I at least want to

watch them sing naked.

Well, I don't know if there's any nudity, but it is New York, so I'm sure

there's nudity close by.

Oh, all right. Good.

Thank you.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

I don't have a good feeling about this.

Nobody's nude in any of these posters.

Can I help you? Hi, yes. You're holding tickets for me under the name Allison.

Here they are, too, for Allison.

Some ID, please.

Oh, certainly.

Is the show as good as they say it is? You'll be transported.

This is Helen Hacker. Yes, that's me, Helen. These tickets are for William

Allison. Right, he gave them to me.

It was a credit card purchase. I can only release them to the proper holdee.

The holdee?

The holdee gave them to me, so that makes me the holdee. Please give me my

tickets. You don't have any tickets.

Next. Look,

it's about to start. How about I just pay for them? They're already paid for.

Next. Would you please quit saying next? There's nobody standing behind me. Oh,

so there isn't.

Nothing like the taste of a New York street dog.

Two, three days in that water, really seals in the flavor.

Finally, they won't release the ticket, and it's all sold out.

Well,

there's a place across the street, Knob's.

They're going to show up in 20 minutes. I can't believe this is happening. I

wanted to see rent.

All right, all right. Don't get so upset now.

Was the rigatoni not out of this world?

Kev was a culinary genius.

Come with me, come with me. Fine. No, just get in there. So I says to him, I

says, darling, better you should leave him now while you still got your looks.

Well, anything doesn't have to be a total loss.

You can still catch the 820 at Knob's.

Hey, Joe.

Tony, what are you doing here? I remembered Helen was going to be away

tonight, and it suddenly hit me. Number 57 on my list. Get closer to my friend

Joe.

Wow, that's going to be easier than I thought.

You don't understand. This crazy inner ear thing. No, no, I understand.

You're uncomfortable with intimacy.

Now, before that car nearly flattened me, I was too. But not anymore.

And I'm not leaving here until I can put a great big checkmark next to number 57.

Okay, okay, but only for a few minutes, and no touchy-feely stuff. Verbal

closeness only.

Okay, tell me everything.

How you feel, your hopes, your dreams, your fears.

Tired, hungry, winning the lottery, snakes.

There, now you know more about me than Helen. I can see this is going to be

tough for you.

So, I'll get the intimacy ball rolling.

Let me tell you about my first time.

I was 14.

She was 61.

Okay, that's it. When she led me to her room, I couldn't help but notice how her

teeth glistened in the moonlight, in the glass on her nightstand.

Wait! I'm not finished. Yes, you are. No, no, no. That's what I said to her.

Wait. I'm not finished.

Oh, my God. Ow. Oh, my God. Ow.

My back. My back. I can't move.

Okay. Here. I'm here. I'm here. Don't worry. Let me help you.

Come on.

Let's get you comfortable.

Here.

Anyway,

where was I?

Yeah.

She took me by the hand. She led me to the bed.

I will never forget how aroused I was at the sight of her

flaming red hair across the room on that weak stand.

Not fair.

We came all the way to New York for nothing.

Come on, Helen.

It's you and me, you know, just like the old days. I thought that's what you

wanted. No, I wanted to see Ren. I just did all that other stuff so you could

come. I know. I only came because you were paying.

But you know what?

Glad I did.

Tell you what.

Why don't we go, have a little dinner, walk around the city.

It'll be fun.

You think?

Tonight, there's not another person in the world I'd rather be with than you.

Excuse me.

Oh, hello there.

My kitty knocked my shoe off the windowsill, and I'd come get it, but I

just got out of a hot bath.

And as you can see, I've hardly got a stitch on.

I'm sorry, but... On my way.

Did you just leave me out here?

Two lousy minutes.

Have you no compassion?

The naked woman has no shoes.

Okay, everybody, here we go. Keep your eye on the Red Queen. Just follow the

Red Lady. Point to the honey, double your money.

Well, you're pretty good, pretty lady. Want to try your luck?

Me? Oh, no.

No, I'm just... Oh, what the hell? Deal him up, baby.

Oh, no, all I have is a hundred.

I've got you.

Um, I'm going to bed.

Twenty.

Keep your eye on the Red Queen. Just follow the Red Lady. Point to the honey,

double your money.

What's wrong with you?

I saw things.

What things?

Bad things.

It was like Roy's basement, only there were more jars.

You're right for ditching me. You should have stayed out here and played three

-card Monty like I did.

Three-card Monty? That's right, I played and I won.

I've always been really lucky at cards.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you've been lucky, all right. Hey, since when did they start putting Barney

Rubble on 20s?

This money isn't real.

Hey, you got these mean streets wired, sister.

He's not getting away with this.

Hey!

He's gone!

You're kidding.

These crooks today.

What are we going to do? That was all the money that I brought. All right,

don't panic.

How about we use your credit cards?

Well, I didn't bring them because I didn't want to risk them getting stolen.

There's them street smarts again.

Hey, I got a crazy idea.

Why don't we use some cash?

What cash?

I don't have any cash on me.

Tonight was supposed to be on you. Here, look. Look what I got.

I got 39 cents and something from that girl's apartment.

There's a phone. We'll just call Joe and have him wire us some money.

Oh, he's so lucky he's at home relaxing tonight.

What I wouldn't give to switch places with him.

Well, of course, the minute the doctor told me it could be a threat to her

health, we had to stop doing it.

Stop. Stop telling me this story.

See?

You've hurt yourself again.

Now, the doctor feels, and I concur, that if you want to get rid of these

spasms, you need to relax.

That means no distractions, no intrusion, and no phone calls.

Did he say anything about obnoxious, bizarre, psychotic visitors?

Don't worry.

None of those are getting past me.

Thank you, operator.

Oh, Joe must have unplugged the phone so he wouldn't be disturbed.

Wait till I get home and disturb him good.

Ridiculous. All we need is a little money to take the subway to the airport,

that's all.

Wait, wait, I got it, I got it.

Excuse me, sir.

My sister and I are stranded.

Hi, we're from Ohio. My wife hasn't eaten in a week.

Hey, Mac, this hooker just ripped me off. Brian, hey, at least she's got a

freaking job.

You bum.

Now what?

Cold, tired, I'm hungry.

Now I'm wet.

What? The rain is my fault? Why is the rain my fault? Oh, don't pull that

innocent act on me. You know what you did.

Brian!

You dragged me through that big puddle. Didn't you hear me saying let go of my

hand? I thought you were saying ham.

Let go of my hand.

Oh, right. That ham I've been carrying around all night?

Hey, hey, hey.

$20 would be good.

$20? to get in.

It's a cover charge.

Unless you're entering the talent contest.

Yeah, we're here for the talent contest. That's why we're here, because we got

talent.

Okay.

Good luck.

Are you crazy?

Now we're gonna have to perform.

Oh, what?

Go on, lads. We'll sing Muskrat Love and we'll lose.

Meanwhile, it's dry in here.

Oh, hello.

I keep talking about it. Why would all these women be at a drag club?

Oh.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Well, wait a minute, Helen.

Look, first prize is 250 bucks.

I mean, with that, we can pay our way out of New York.

Would you read the sign, Brian?

$250 for best drag queen.

Do you really think we'll be able to pass you off as a woman?

I don't know, but we just might be able to pass you off as one.

Welcome to Draft Queen for a Day... Night.

I'm Bella DeBall, your hostess for our little star search, which each week asks

the musical question, Dear God, how much longer is this damn show?

Oh, forget it, Brian. The answer's no.

Helen, Helen, Helen. You want to sleep in an alley tonight? This is your only

shot. No, but I can't. Of course you can. It's in the bag. Who here is going

to be a better woman than you?

Maybe he won't answer.

Okay, talent, this is your last chance to enter the contest.

Speak now or forever, hold your hair, please.

Yeah, of course, if they find out that you're really a woman, it's all over.

But remember, you're a woman pretending to be a man, pretending to be a woman,

okay? Bella, over here!

Woman, man, woman.

Well, hey there.

I don't think I've seen you in here before.

Well, no. Uh, no.

It's my first time. Oh, well, don't worry, honey. You'll do fine.

Name?

Henry.

Henry. What's your name?

Henry. That's my name. You can call me Hank.

I meant your drag name. My drag name.

My drag name is Helen.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Helen says all the wrong things.

Cashier, file clerk, soccer mom.

What it doesn't say is magic. We can help it along.

Now, what are you going to wear?

Well, does this say anything?

Yeah, but let's not listen to it.

I might have a little something in back that could work.

Well, I don't know. Maybe we should just forget the whole thing.

No, doll.

You can't quit before you start.

You know, it's all just attitude.

It's attitude, shoulders, and a big finish.

Now, you come with me. Miss Bella's going to turn you into a diva.

You don't have to pay for it here, pal.

This place is Babe City.

Now,

I've really opened up about myself tonight, and I think it's time you

shared some stories about your personal life.

But I don't have those kinds of stories. I never dated my grandmother's friend, I

never made love on a gurney, and no part of me has ever swelled up to twice its

size. In other words, I'm normal.

No.

No. What you are is blocked.

And I'm not moving till I hear some stories.

You know what, Antonio?

Maybe you're right.

I get him a little blocked.

Why don't you, um, why don't you... Please go to the kitchen and make us up

some hot cocoa, and I'll try to dig a little deeper.

Back in the jiff.

Someone might try to call.

And I... Wow.

I mean, I know from beautiful women that you were just... Real.

Well, your friend's up next.

You think he has a chance? Who knows? I did what I could, but there's only so

much raw material there to work with.

Now, you.

You're a natural. You've got great bone structure.

Me? Come on.

Yeah, and soldiers for days. You, I could make a star. We should talk.

All right, everyone, let's put those big tell-tale hands...

shoulders.

without seeing rent. You need money?

Honey, you start spreading the news.