Original subtitles

Hey there, Helen.

Hey, Cleet, how's it going?

Cleet, that's gotta be trouble.

Come on, Roy's just the water delivery guy.

Hey, I missed you last week.

Oh, yeah, I was at the dinner.

Oh, come on. With that pretty smile?

Yeah, you're right.

Nothing to worry about.

Man, that guy must work out seven times a week.

That reminds me, I gotta take a nap.

Okay, I'll just go get you a check. I'll be right back. Take your time.

I'll be here.

Hey, buddy, I'll take those for Helen.

I'm her husband.

It's okay. I'm just waiting to get paid.

Oh, well, here.

The cover?

Uh, yeah.

Well, just tell Helen I'll see her next week. You might want to call first.

Helen's really not into water anymore.

Just hand me those bottles.

Whatever.

What are you doing with those bottles? And where's Cleet? Had to go.

Another delivery.

So, where do you want these?

Well, Cleet, you should put them in the kitchen.

Okay, no problem.

How would you like to get in on the ground floor of the hottest new

investment opportunity of the 90s?

These are words I'm going to live to regret. Tell me more.

Ready? Huh?

Rob's kebabs.

You mean shish kebabs. No, no, no, no.

Not just shish. No, no, no. Here.

Look at the brochure.

If you... Obscure it, they will come.

Well, uh, I'm sorry, Roy. I don't mean to be a stick in the meat.

But, uh, all my money's tied up in falafels.

Hi. Hey, Kacen. How's it going?

Well, I just got my two-week notice from the Board of Tourism.

I'm getting laid off.

Oh, that's...

Rejected, worthless, stupid, and no good to anybody.

Faye, why don't you just take her out back and shoot her?

Yeah, I can't believe that they're letting me go. I gave them such great

ideas for boosting winter tourism on this rock, you know, and all they did

was just reject everyone.

Hello?

Uh, yeah, one second.

Casey, it's your boss.

What does he want? Well, isn't it obvious? He probably wants to can you

now.

You pick a foreign city, and you establish economic, cultural, and

tourist ties. And now Nantucket has a brand-new sister, and her name is

Kieranon.

Kieranon? Never heard of it.

Kieranon. I know what that is. It's just lovely, it is. It's got beautiful...

In a sandy... In a sky.

And, boy, there's just no better than...

You know more about it than I do.

Listen,

Joey, I'm running a little behind. Do me a favor.

Pick up my suit from the cleaners, will you?

I'm Casey's escort for that sister city thing she's throwing tomorrow night.

Yeah, I guess she just wanted a little...

To the pilot.

You are incredibly hot. I keep fantasizing about all the things I want

to do to you.

Meet me after we land. I'm sitting in back on the right.

Hmm.

This is not my scene.

What a difference.

A remake.

Hey. Hey.

What would you like?

Well, I see there's a ring on your finger, so I guess it can't be you.

Oh, you.

Now, if you keep that up, I'm just going to have to give you a whole lot of free

food.

Oh, man.

What a night I had last night. I met the most fantastic woman. I

had the most passionate night of my life. We made a connection like you

would not believe.

Really? What was her name? I don't know.

Let's just call her Passenger B6.

You don't even know her name? Well, you know, we didn't do that much talking, if

you know what I mean. And next morning, she left without saying goodbye. No

note, no nothing, just walked out the door, didn't look back.

Oh, man, that's class.

You know what?

I really do not miss being single at all. I am so glad that I'm in a long

-term relationship based on love and trust. Excuse me, I've got to go save my

marriage.

Hey, how's it going?

She met Stanley.

Stanley? And she said her name is Helen.

Well, yeah, it's Helen now.

But, uh, when we were on the wrestling team in high school together, it was

Stanley.

He was a small boy, but he was wiry.

You know, I think he's got... She's... I think she's got her eye on you, lucky

dog.

You know, I don't think I'm that hungry.

I'll see you later, dude.

Hey, Helen, can I get a cup of coffee? You sure can.

Faye?

Stentablor McCarnum, Helen.

Well, the same to you, Faye.

It's not even five o'clock yet.

means good afternoon in Kiruna. And this is one of their native costumes.

I thought it would be a nice way of saying welcome when they arrive today.

You know, I don't see why we have to invite a bunch of foreigners here.

They take our jobs, they date our women.

Before you know it, they're acting like they own the joint. Are you going to

pour that or what?

A rule by Prince Reptivon and his wife, Princess...

is responsible for a third of the world's talcum powder. Isn't that

fascinating?

Yes, but they're in a taped butt in the whole place.

Hey, the prince and princess will be coming through that gate right over

there, so we need the councilman here and the press over there.

Oh, I've never been so nervous my entire life.

Well, try not to perspire, dear. There are dry people.

Your Highness, to our island. I am Casey Davenport.

And even though this is not your country, our goal is to treat you like

royalty. Now, if you just give us a few minutes, our minivan needs a jump.

I'm sure our visit will be as delightful as you are.

Oh.

Thank you for inviting us, Miss Davenport.

And where, may I ask, is the other lovely Highness?

Oh, actually, my wife... Came in yesterday. She likes to mingle with the

locals. Ah, here she comes now.

Joey, did you see my... Oh, man.

Man, Joey, that's her.

Who? The woman I told you about. The amazing, the fantastic... The princess?

Okay, so she was a little whiny, but that doesn't matter.

Idiot, the princess of Kirinan.

And that's her husband, the prince. Way to go.

Hey, come on, you guys. Casey wants us over there. Their Highnesses are

receiving. Maybe I shouldn't go.

I mean, I've already received.

I don't know what to say. I've never met royalty

before. Don't worry, Antonio. They're just like you and me, only better.

Now just go over there and be yourself. I'm sure they'll find you perfectly

charming.

Hello.

I'm Antonio Scarpacci. I don't know what I'd do without talcum powder.

My racket, you know, I sit 12 or 13 hours a day.

Things can get pretty rosy down there.

Okay, let's move the line along.

I'd like to introduce you to my sister Helen.

And her husband, Joe. Hello, your Highnesses.

I'd like to offer you a great, big, king-size welcome.

Next!

Joe Hackett.

Watch your back.

I would like you to meet Brian Hackett.

I'm sorry. I mean, I'm honored.

It's customary to kiss the hand of the princess.

Believe me?

Last time.

Well, if you will just follow me.

Miss Davenport, I wonder if you could assist me. Our two little princesses

wish to visit the salon before the ceremony tonight. Would it be possible

to procure them a driver?

Oh, Antonio.

The princess would like someone to drive her little girls to the beauty parlor.

It would be a privilege to have Kieran on royalty in my cab, and I wouldn't

dream of accepting a penny for it.

Excellent.

Doctor, I bring in the girl.

Your Majesty, I am your most humble servant.

Dogs? You want me to drive dogs?

Is it a problem?

No, no.

Lovely, lovely. Come, girl.

right back at you.

We're all so looking forward to tonight. I promise it's going to be a really

great affair.

I can't wait.

There is nothing I enjoy more than a really great affair.

I'll see you all tonight.

Goodbye, Princess.

See you later.

Well, so far, so good. I mean, I think it's going to work. I'm going to save my

job. Great. Listen, about... Kieran, is so... fascinating. Listen to this. The

national color is purple.

The official flower is the tuberose. The penalty for adultery is cutting off the

man's pension.

Wait, not pension.

I really do need my glasses.

Oh, yes. Well, that makes a lot more sense.

Okay, what is so important?

I'm not going to the party.

What? You're my escort. Give me one good reason why you can't go. I slept with

the princess.

You better be talking about one of those dogs.

Well, there was some barking involved.

You just hate my guts, don't you?

You must...

worst thing that I can do to Casey. I know! I'll sleep with her sister, Cindy!

Oh!

Well, you people sure are note-happy.

Her Highness Princess Fala requests you to sit beside her at tonight's

festivities. Well, I'm sorry.

Please inform the princess that I will not be able to make it.

Put on your dancing shoes. We're a-partying tonight.

There she

is.

Oh, I'm in trouble. See how low-cut that dress is? You can see her garaginas.

All right, so I picked up a couple of words last night. Two of them were

garagnas.

Casey, I need to talk to you now.

Antonio. Now.

Look, don't move.

Don't talk to anyone.

Don't do anything stupid.

You're really tying my hands here.

It's about the little princesses. The dogs? What about them? They're not dogs.

They're furry, yapping piranhas.

Look what they did to me.

Antonio, where are they? I was driving them to the groomer when they decided to

use my backseat as their royal party.

I stopped the car, and I told them to get the hell out.

Are you insane?

Too soon to say. The rabies test hasn't come back yet. Look, if I can hang on

just a few more minutes, the sister city thing will be official, okay? You find

those dogs and bring them back here. Do you understand me? Fine, fine, fine. You

know, there's still a few spots in my cab they haven't followed.

It's just a six o'clock. What am I going to do?

Okay, you just stick with me. Everything will be fine. All right, yeah, I can get

through this, right? I got willpower. I got self-control.

Hello, Brian.

May I have a word with you in private?

Absolutely. Upstairs, okay?

Princess! Princess!

It's not that I don't understand your taste for our local fare, but there are

some, how can I say this, dishes that are best tasted only once, much like

mango. The first time that you eat it, you think, wow, this is the most

wonderful thing I've ever had. And the second time, it's dull and stupid, and

you don't know what you ever saw in it.

Well, then you are not preparing it correctly.

You have to handle it very carefully in order to bring out the natural juices.

Believe me, when I serve mango,

Everyone begs for more.

So, who wants mango?

I could go for some fruit.

Princess, I think the prince is looking for you.

Go, run!

No, he's just talking to that awful kebab man.

Oh, my God.

If you'll just excuse me for a moment.

And in the kebab game, you got your fast turnover?

You've got your low overhead, and you have got one hell of a takeout business,

because remember, goat travels.

Your Highness, the city council is waiting to speak with you. Oh, thank

you.

Why did you do that?

Stay away from the prince, Roy. I don't want anything getting in the way of the

key to the city.

Oh, hello, it's Chopra, isn't it?

The little princesses.

They have returned?

Uh, no, but Roy's here.

You, uh, you look like a pretty shrewd businessman.

I'm going to do you a big favor.

Your Highness, I just had an idea. What if we exchange the keys to the cities

now and make it official?

Very well, but we cannot proceed without my wife.

Where is the princess?

Well, last time I saw her, she was over there, and now she's not. So if you will

just excuse me for a moment.

There you are. Where have you been?

Don't ask. I don't know what's wrong with Joe. We drove up. The valet tried

to help me out of the car, and Joe screams, Hey, buddy, ain't you getting

enough at home? And just fed off. Listen, I really need your help. Just a

second. I'm going to try the national cocktail.

That was kind of goofy, isn't it? You don't have time to drink that. I am in a

lot of trouble. The princess is all over Brian, and if the prince finds out, I'm

finished.

Well, what do you want me to do? Well, distract him, dance with him, talk to

him, flirt with him. Just make sure that he doesn't see them.

Oh, forget it. I'm not going to do that.

Fine. Then I'll just lose my job and live off you for the rest of my life.

Yo, prince, come to mama.

I want to dance.

Oh, I don't think that's such a good idea. Your husband is on the dance floor

and there's people all around.

Oh.

Okay. Okay.

Excuse me. Coming through.

Dead man walking.

I could do. The royal rodents are gone, baby.

Long live Princesses Zelda and Lightning.

See ya.

What is going on?

Those aren't the royal dogs.

Well,

on Nantucket, we take your dogs and we give you...

No, Joe, just let me get my key.

Okay, pal, time to cool off.

Joe, what are you doing? What am I doing?

Let's ask the prince what the hell he's doing with my wife.

Why don't we ask him what he's doing with my wife?

my call. My office number is 508-555-0174. Just ask for Casey

Davenport.