All language subtitles for S04E10 - Prince of a Guy

What's next, Max?

Indecent exposure.

People versus Tatiana.

Is this the flasher or the flashy?

The flasher. She was caught swimming
naked in Central Park.

Yeah, so that's when the police arrested
the little dipper.

I think.

So did everyone else. Apparently, a 10K
race was in progress, and the

frontrunner stopped to watch her peel.
The others toppled like dominoes.

Your Honor, she told me that she didn't
realize nude swimming was illegal.

It is wrong to be naked?

Not necessarily.

It sort of depends on where you decide
to do it. For example, in Dan's

apartment, it's mandatory.

How can you have laws against pleasure?

Or do you not enjoy to feel the warm sun
embracing your body and the water drops

like tiny sparks on your flesh?

I do.

It needed to be said.

I agree with the defendant.

There's nothing like that feeling of
complete freedom she was talking about.

Roz, you don't mean you go swimming in
the nude, too?

No. Bowling.

You bold naked?

Not completely.

They make me wear those little red and
green shoes.

I am sorry if I offend your customs.

But I do not have to obey your laws
anyway.

You're not from around these parts, are
you?

I am Tatiana, Princess of Kapua.

Hi, I'm Dan.

King of hanky-panky.

Gee, I always thought a fly did that.

Kepoa is not a large island, but as a
nation we are, oh, how do you say,

developing.

Keep up the good work.

Sir, sir, her story checks out in the
State Department. She is a princess. So

we gotta let her go. Nope, we gotta hold
her.

Right.

I knew that.

Why? She's here on an official state
visit. She slipped away from a group at

the U.N. reception.

They've been looking all over for her.
The State Department's got a man high

-tailing it over here. No, I won't go,
please. You must not let them take me.

Hold on. No one's going to take you if I
have anything to say about it.

Have I got anything to say about it?

Judge, the pleasure of your company is
requested in the courtroom.

Yeah, Roz, one minute. I've got... Now!

Good a time as any.

What's going on?

Trust me, you'll want to see this for
yourself.

Who the heck are those guys?

Don Holt's backup band?

Where is she? Bring her to me. Sir, I
can assure you as your sister's defense

attorney, everything is... I demand to
have my sister brought to me.

Hey, Bob, I don't know who you are, but
you don't go demanding anything in my

courtroom. I am Maurice, Crown Prince of
Kepua.

Your Highness. Good to see you again.

Is any one of these Judge Stone?

Yeah. Not the guy in the half-slip. The
guy in the ankle-length gown.

President Calgary, State Department.

Harry Stone, registered Democrat.

Oh, God.

Is this about Tatiana?

Hmm. It was first reported as an
incident, then it was upgraded to

situation. And now we're on the brink of
having a full-blown occurrence.

Well, let's hope we nip this one before
it becomes a circumstance.

By the way, what the hell are we talking
about?

Arresting the princess jeopardizes some
very delicate negotiations we're having

to place an airbase on Kapua.

The long and the short of it is stone.

Do us all a favor, cut the girl loose.

Well, I'm not sure I can do that.

Well, she does have diplomatic immunity
from prosecution, Your Honor. That means

I will... Tatiana must be given to me
now, or I swear I will... Hold it,

Buster. I wasn't finished.

In Kapua, no woman dares talk to a man
that way.

Yeah, well, you're not in Kapua now,
chicken legs. You're in America.

And furthermore, my sex has absolutely
no bearing on the fact that I am a

highly trained attorney, so pipe down
and let me do this.

I have never been spoken to in this way
by anyone.

I like it.

Look, you have... There's no choice,
Stone.

You've got to let Tatiana go.

Oh, yeah? Well, I don't have to do
anything until I get all the facts.

Never have I seen such a woman.

And wearing so many clothes.

Just look at her.

She's almost completely covered.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Could you just button that top button
for me?

Sorry to keep you waiting. Please make
yourself comfortable.

Oh, thank you.

Ross?

I'll be your witness, sir. You did
nothing to instigate this.

Of course, you're doing nothing to stop
it, either.

I never thought I'd say this to anybody,
but would you put your top back on?

Well, I have to get back to work.

I have to make sure those big, strapping
Capuan bodyguards are... comfortable.

Tatiana, tell me something.

Why are you so afraid to go home? I
don't get that. From everything I've

heard, Kapua sounds like an absolute
paradise.

But you would not think so if it were
you who were being forced to marry Og.

Og?

You know him?

No, I can't put a face to the name.

Og claimed me to be his bride by
announcing his intention to my family.

My brother now will give me to Og.

So I take it the dog is not the kind of
guy you want to spend the rest of your

life with, huh? No, he is mean and
large, and he has only one eyebrow that

goes from here to here.

Well, there must be something good you
can say about the guy.

Well, he did stop eating tourists.

Well, that makes for nicer travel
brochures, doesn't it?

Judge, don't... Well, Tatiana...

I don't know if there's anything that I
can do legally to stop a forced

marriage, but I'll help you any way I
can.

You will?

Why?

Why? Because, uh, because I don't know.

Because you're sweet, and I like you,
okay?

Then you have a vova for me?

Possibly.

What's vova?

It's what you said. You like me.

Vuva is a Capuan word, which means that
you find someone not offensive.

Oh, well, then vuva it is. Sure.

I'll do anything.

I'll... Well, what are you doing?

This is our way of saying thank you.

Sure beats a high five.

Knock, knock.

Sorry to bust in on you, sir. I see you
have your hands full.

Roz, this isn't what it looks like.

Looks like you have your hand on her
chest.

Well, then it is what it looks like.

But what it looks like is not what it
is.

Thank you for clearing that up.

By the way, in case you're interested,
they're auctioning off Christine.

They're auctioning off Christine?

What was the last bid?

$100,000.

Mister, you heard the lady. She said no.

$200,000.

I told you she's not for sale.

Half a million.

For her?

Oh, what's going on here?

The prince said he'd extend the lease on
the air base to 100 years if you throw

in the blonde.

You're talking slavery, Cowdery.

Here we go, dredging up the Constitution
again.

Prince, you can't go around trying to
purchase another human being.

I say we bounce it off Washington.

I say we bounce it off your skull.

That's right. Talk rough like that.

You know, it is kind of nice.

I want Tatiana turned over to me now.

Well, I'm afraid I won't be doing that.

Why not?

Because it is no longer up to you
whether I stay or go, Maurice.

It is up to the man who is to be my
husband.

Husband?

Him? Yes.

He has boo-boo for me.

Your Honor?

It was just...

Puppy vuva.

You're going to marry her,

sir? Any thought yet who the best man
might be?

Hint, hint.

Let's get something straight here. I am
not marrying anybody.

But you said you had vuva for me.

Oh, sir, you vuva'd her?

It just means I like you.

Actually, it's a marriage proposal.

Literal translation means I wouldn't
kick you out of the hammock.

Well, this is crazy. All I did was I
touched her chest.

How could you have misinterpreted that,
sir?

Only a maggot would do such a thing to a
woman pledged to another man.

In my country, if you steal, we cut off
your hand.

If you lie, we cut off your tongue.

And if you de-voevify a woman... You'll
be able to hit that high note in the

star-spangled banner.

I didn't know, okay?

Yes, you did.

I told you about Og.

Now if I go back, I will be shaming me
for my people.

That's men for you.

Vove them and leave them.

Yes, he is. Who shall I say is calling?

Uh-huh.

You want to talk to the White House?

Stand up.

Hattery here.

Yes.

Well, you see, he says he doesn't want
to marry her.

I know, I know, I know. I realize your
prestige is on the line, but... No.

No, I don't want you to come down here
and kick anything.

No, he just needs a little more
convincing, that's all.

You would?

Certainly.

Nancy wants to talk to you.

Please, my little fukuina.

My only wish is to make you happy.

Listen, Maurice, I'm sure there are lots
of beautiful women on Kapua.

Of course, there are Momo a dozen.

But none of them have what you have.

Which is?

Tentable shoes.

Yeah?

Oh, I thought you were Tatiana.

Oh, no, sir. I'm afraid Tatiana's in the
ladies' room with Ross, crying her eyes

out over you.

It's pitiful, sir.

Deep, gut-wrenching sobs you can hear
all the way down the hall.

aiming to cheer me up, did you, Mac?

Yes, sir.

She's pretty upset, I hear.

She does have some very unusual ideas
about your ancestry, yes.

Tatiana, look at me.

That's better.

Guys, if you don't mind, I think we need
to have a chat.

I don't mind.

Alone. Come on, let's go powder our
noses.

Tatiana, I can't tell you how sorry I am
about all this. You just used me for

cheap vova.

No, I didn't. Really, I care about you.

You should have a strange way to show
it.

Come on, come here.

Sit down.

Tatiana, I am sure that our customs seem
as strange to you as yours seem to us.

And I probably was a little flustered. I
mean, it's not every day that I get

involved with a princess.

I am your first?

Well, actually, I did date Miss
Congeniality once, but we had a

misunderstanding and she ended up trying
to gouge my eyeballs out.

That's all this was. It was a
misunderstanding.

Harry, tell me yes or no plainly.

Do you or do you not have vova for me?

Tatiana, I can't say a simple yes or no.

But it wouldn't be right for us to jump
into a marriage. For all you know, I

could be as bad for you as on.

Well, when you mentioned the one
eyebrow, I kind of assumed it was over

two eyes.

So maybe you really shouldn't get
married to anybody right away, don't you

think? I don't know what to think.

Tatiana, remember that gesture you
showed me that meant thank you?

Well, we have a gesture, too.

It means I'm telling the truth.

And I am telling you the truth.

I never meant to hurt you.

I just wanted to be your friend.

This means okay.

I'll remember that.

And this means bye-bye.

Where are you going?

Oh, it does not matter. I will go out
there.

And do what?

Oh, maybe find a job.

I don't think there are that many job
opportunities for a princess.

A cab driver told me there are queens in
the East Village.

Trust me, you're not qualified.

And what do I do, Harry? I cannot stay
here and I can't...

Please don't do that.

Come on, take it easy.

Tatiana, come on. Hey, hey, what's that
behind your ear?

Look at that. It's a coin.

It wasn't

that good.

Tatiana, that was just a trick.

Jackie Gleason?

You have been given the powers.

No, no, no, no. See, all I did was that.

Where are these tough rooms they keep
talking about?

Oh, in my country, this is a sign of one
who is a great conqueror and even the

king himself must obey one who controls
nature?

Really?

Tatiana, repeat after me.

Thank you, Nani Darnell.

But they are sensible shoes.

All right, all right, so he's unstable.
It's okay. He's rich.

Dan, for your information, not every
woman judges a man by the size of his...

portfolio.

Lucky for you, huh, Dan?

I'm just asking you to consider his
offer.

Why? What did it for you?

Nothing.

Dan.

All right, money and naked women, but
that's it.

Ah, there you are, my little inhibited
iguana.

Have you decided?

Prince, as a matter of fact... Before
you give me your answer, let me make my

final offer.

One million dollars.

She'll take it.

Damn it!

She would like me to convey to you her
sense of deep gratitude. Now, why don't

you stuff her in your duffel bag and get
out of here?

Oh, it's okay. She's had her shots.

This is a very sweet offer, Prince.
Thank you so much, but I cannot take

your money. I just happen to believe
that the only thing of any real value in

a relationship is love.

Well, if that is how you truly feel...
It is.

I'm sorry.

Do you find me at all attractive?

Micah, I'm sorry for the delay. We had
some things we had to work out.

So, what's it going to be?

We have decided to break our engagement.

Oh, boy.

Mimos are going to hit the fan now.

Harry says it is all right for me not to
marry Og.

What Harry says is not what fish heads
in Kepua.

It is what I say that matters.

You powerful one, pay no attention to
the babblings of my brother Maurice.

What are you talking about?

But let his mind know that your powers
are also given to me, a woman.

And let his eyes see the signs of truth.

And let his ears yield us treasure.

Hey, that's impressive.

You want us to make disgusting sounds
with my armpit?

You're just going to leave them down
there?

Oh, you may rise.

Tatiana, forgive me. I never knew.

Well, now that you do, some changes for
the good will have to be made for all

Capuan women.

But, Tatiana... All right, all right.

Please, no more.

I was rooting for you the whole time.

You are woman. I hear you roar.

You are weasel. I see you crawl.

I am very sorry we were not able to
become more deeply acquainted, Miss

Sullivan. Yeah, well.

However, I feel very ashamed that I have
been dressing you with my eyes all

night.

What the hell?

Have a ball. Oh.

I gotta hand it to you, Christine.

I don't think I've been able to say no
to a million bucks like you did last

week. Oh, yeah, sure you would, Mac.

Look at it this way. Deep down, could
you really feel good about yourself if

you took a million dollars from somebody
who just wanted you to be their toy?

He's doing it for chicken McNuggets and
a large fry.

I know what I'd do if I ever came into
big money.

I'd endow a major institution of higher
learning.

Either that or get a really first-rate
accordion.

How about you, Miss Sullivan? Any
regrets?

Ah, could you see me lying naked on some
tropical beach?

Nah.

Hello, Capone Embassy.

This is Dan Fielding, producer.

Yeah, I was told I needed to get your
permission in order to film my next

documentary on your lovely island.

Yeah, well, it's going to be an
extensive study of the history, custom,

culture of your people.

I call it Debbie Does Kapoor.

Well, Debbie... Hold a sec, will you?

Are you Judge Harry Stone?

What if I am, Judge Stone? Who the hell
are you?