All language subtitles for S04E09 - Earthquake

Well, read them and weep. $50 fine and
time served.

Littering, loitering, trespassing. Mac,
we're in a rut.

Where have all the interesting cases
gone?

Sumo wrestlers again?

Next case, sir, people versus Fujiyama
and Ohiro.

Your Honor, according to witnesses, the
Cheek So Plenty twins are

giving a sumo exhibition.

Mr. Hall was in attendance and
apparently got very upset when he

realized it wasn't a regular wrestling
match.

No choking, no biting, no gouging, not
one ounce of blood.

What has the world of sport come to?

Then Mr. Hall jumped into the ring and
called them tubby sissies.

I... I take it our friends took umbrage
to that comment?

Your Honor, these men don't speak any
English.

None at all?

Pop and taco.

Egg McMuffin.

How so pancake?

Ah, the language of love.

speak Japanese?

Anyone else?

Mac? They're just so darn cute.

Mac? Making some calls, sir.

We're going to have to hold this one
over until we can find an interpreter,

folks.

Boy, you want to take these guys out and
see if you can find them something to

eat? Hey, how about some sushi?

Raw fish.

Now, listen, I have planned the perfect
evening for us.

We're going to toast with Dom Perignon,
have some chilled cracked crab, and then

listen to some boss tunes on my new
compact disc.

Why don't we just jump into bed?

Well, there's another option.

And a mighty fine one at that.

What are you going to do about it,
Danny?

I'm going to chill you.

I'm going to thrill you. I'm going to
make the earth move.

That was with my shoes on.

That rumbling you felt a few minutes ago
was a 5.5 earthquake centered in lower

Manhattan. That's crazy. There are no
earthquakes in New York. Our city has

had a number of tremors before.

When? The last was 1984.

While there may be aftershocks, there is
no reason to panic.

What? I said there's no reason to panic.

Hi, everyone. Hey, Art, how is
everything?

Not too bad.

My mother's lumbago is acting up again.

You know, she's not as young as she used
to be, sir. Art!

How is everything here?

Rotten. We just had a nice quick here,
you know.

If there's another, I'd suggest we take
refuge in his skull.

There wasn't too much damage, though,
Your Honor, except for a minor problem

with the stairs.

What's the problem with the stairs?

They're gone.

They're gone?

The stairs are gone?

What are we going to do?

If I could be so bold, I'd suggest you
use the elevator.

Thank you.

Mr. Potato Head.

Sir, this is Miss Linda Egan. Your
Honor.

And her students, Ernie, Mary, and Chad.

They get to spend the night in the
courtroom because they won their student

government contest.

It's an honor to meet you, Jed. Hey,
this lunch is all mine.

Out!

Another sucker's zapped.

That's very funny, Ernie.

And I'm sure I'm going to appreciate it
a lot more if I ever get the feeling

back in my hands.

Ernie the buzzer.

I'm sorry, Your Honor. It won't happen
again.

Mary, I'm Christine.

I couldn't help but notice your badge.

Are you a campfire girl? Yes, ma'am. Are
you a campfire girl, too? For four

wonderful years.

Lady, I'd give ten bucks to see you in
your old uniform.

Chad. Chad, it would only come to here.

Okay, 20.

Come on. I'll find you guys front row
seats.

Next case, sir.

People versus DeVries and Parker.

Okay, kids, this is what is called an
arraignment. Now, I want you to pay very

close attention as I ask the prosecutor
here exactly what the charge is. They

were performing a live sex act, sir.

Well, Mary, we'll discuss that on career
day.

Uh, sir, I don't think this is the case.
We should be trying in front of innocent

children. Right. What else we got, Max?

New satanic rituals, sir.

Anything else?

Why swap meat?

Well, like I said, we'll proceed with
this one as best we can, trying to use

the utmost discretion.

Dan?

The defendants are charged with playing
doctor.

Very good. Apparently with an
exploratory surgery.

Sir, perhaps the children should be
accused.

Mr. Prosecutor, does this get much worse
before it gets any better?

Well, sir, I was about to introduce the
stage props into evidence.

Please, God, no.

If you have any shred of decency, you'll
stop right there.

As I was saying, exhibit A.

Oh, take him to holding.

Come on.

Yeah, I know.

The guy upstairs speaks some Japanese,
so I'm going to run slim and tiny up

there, okay?

Where will these people learn the right
tool for the right job?

Dan, why don't you take those props up
to evidence, huh? Right.

And, uh, Dan?

No souvenirs.

Yes, sir.

Want to see a card trick, Judge?

Oh, well, Ernie, I'm afraid that a card
trick that I haven't already seen has

yet to be invented.

Humor me.

Pick a card.

All right.

Yeah.

It hurts, right?

That's a real good trick, Ernie.

I'd like to show you a little trick. It
involves pliers and fingernails.

Oh, not another one.

Everybody, just try to stay calm.

How you doing, Judge?

All right, Art, what's the bad news?

Well, my bony team didn't make the
finals again.

I know it's not the end of the world,
but... Art!

There was another tremor. I know. That's
how those people got trapped in the

elevator. People trapped in an elevator?

Are they in any danger?

Of course not.

Unless you exceed the maximum weight
capacity for the elevator.

This could take a while.

I guess we'll just have to entertain
ourselves.

Any way we can.

thing we can to get you out of there, so
stay calm.

I promise you, everything's going to be
just fine.

Unless you run out of air.

Thank you, Mr. Wizard.

We've got to find somebody that speaks
Japanese.

How tall?

Department's all tied up with
emergencies.

They won't be here for hours. Oh,
wonderful.

All right, all right. In the meantime,
we've got to gather together some

medical supplies.

We'll need some gauze and some bandages
and some rubber tubing for tourniquets

and a couple of pints of whole blood.

I'll just bring Dan's briefcase.

Just check the elevator shafts. The
cables are fine. The car's just jammed

in there. Art, there are four people in
that car. Now, are you sure that's not

too much weight?

I'm positive. It's no problem.

Good. Unless they're sumo wrestlers or
something.

This is great.

This elevator doesn't even have an
emergency phone in it.

Oh, my God, look at this. This elevator
unsafe for weights exceeding 1,000

pounds.

320.

350. And, Raj, you go about...

115.

I see. So the uniform weighs, what, 70,
80 pounds?

Keep fielding.

Listen, what if the air runs out in
here? How have we been stuck in this

hole for over nine hours?

It's been eight minutes.

I'm going to be squished to a liquid
pulp. I'm going to die.

Fielding, it's not a tremor.

Now, where's that horrible rumbling
noise coming from?

I think from somewhere in there.

Hungry.

I hope they never heard of the Donner
Party.

Don't let on. I have a pack of
C-H-U-C-K-L-E-S.

Choco!

Choco! Hey, no way, Porky! These are
mine!

Where are mine?

I mean, come here!

What do you think he's saying?

I don't know, but I think it's something
about singing soprano in the Vienna Boys

Choir.

You know, Mr. Egan, I envy you.

It must be so rewarding being a
schoolteacher, watching those

innocent... Smiling faces, eagerly
searching out life's mysteries.

Chad is trying to peek up your dress
with mirrors on his shoe.

Chad!

Chad, would you look at my calculator? I
think it's broken.

Yeah. Well, I don't know. It looks...

are one clever kid. In fact, I bet if I
put you in handcuffs and threw you in a

tank of water, you could get out in
what, 25, 30 minutes, huh?

Hey,

that wasn't so bad.

I guess you sort of get used to these
things after a while, huh?

And they said it wouldn't last.

Here, go ahead. Keep making jokes. I
want to die with a smile on my face.

Fielding relaxed, okay? Do not tell me
what to do.

If I want to be ordered around by
somebody wearing a paramilitary uniform,

I'll pay for it, okay?

You're losing it.

I'm not losing anything.

Except maybe my chuckles.

I've got to get out of here.

I know what. I'm going to go out that
door and shimmy up those cables.

Sit down.

Oh, what?

Or I'll make you sit down.

You're going to make me sit down? You
are going to make me sit down?

Any questions?

Don't you see?

If the big one hits, I'll die never
having known the joys of physical love.

Chad, I'm getting just a little tired of
your endless sleazy suggestions and your

double entendres and your leering
glances.

Did I mention I could sail till nine on
Saturday?

Phil,

what are you doing?

Found your interpreter, sir.

excuse me sir do you speak english well

you haven't found an interpreter you
kidnapped an innocent human being

hope this doesn't go on my record

trick, huh?

Ernie, I am not falling for this one.

Your Honor, I'm so sorry. Mary was
visiting your bench when she got sick.

I knew it was real. I knew it was real.

Kid, one day, one of these mindless
little pranks of yours is going to

backfire and you're going to be in big
trouble.

They're childish and they're silly.

And why do I... I feel like I've heard
this speech before.

Well, it's the same one I've given you
about 20 times.

That's the way grown-ups used to talk to
me when I was a kid. And I acted...

just like him.

Oh, God.

I was a geek.

Leonardo, I got an idea about the
elevator.

I think it's a brake problem.

What's with the brake? It's in my
toolbox.

What? They put this new hydraulic system
in there, and if I retract the engaging

mechanism, I think I can get him out of
there.

How come I didn't think about this
sooner?

Where the heck was my egg?

Out of appreciation for your help for
us, Art, I'm not going to answer that.

I bet you called my house last Saturday
night.

Do you mind? I'm busy gasping here.

Well, gasp quieter.

They're sleeping.

I'm claustrophobic, all right?

You? A man who had sex in a broom
closet?

I thought it was over like that.

Come on, Fielding, you've been in tight
situations before.

Yeah, you bet.

I once spent the whole night in a
drainpipe.

Too cheap to spring for a motel room?

I was eight years old.

Why'd you do that?

I was on a dare.

The other kids thought I was kind of a
creep.

No.

I was supposed to crawl through it under
the highway, come out the other side.

Right in the middle of it, I got stuck.

It was stifling.

Suffocating.

I just hate being in situations where I
do not have control. It's like a big

rock being put on my chest.

Like being buried alive.

Like I'm drowning.

I've got to get out of here. Dan, Dan. I
want to get out of here. Dan, there's

nothing to be frightened of.

I'm going to take care of you.

Come here.

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

I want you to think of a wide open
space.

It's a football field.

There are thousands of people there.

Enjoying the fresh, clean air.

And you're there too, Dan.

You're relaxed.

You're smiling.

And you're naked.

Paul, what are you here?

The ocean.

Hey, how you doing, Judge?

All right, how are things going up
there?

Terrific. I found that issue of Popular
Mechanics.

Yes,

sir?

What's with the elevator?

It's a go.

I release the brakes, double-check the
relays.

Everything's copacetic.

You mean all we have to do is push the
button and they'll be back down here?

I stake my reputation on it.

Try it anyway, sir.

So what's wrong?

It's not moving.

I guess the contacts must have burnt
out.

I got just the tool for that.

It's working!

Hey, it's a work of art.

All right, come on, big guys.

There you go!

You're safe, just like I promised you.

Dan, Roz, you're...

These guys just freaked out a little.

They're just big babies.

With really big diapers.

Uh, Bull, why don't you get these guys
some grub and be gentle. I've had quite

a shock.

Come on, guys.

Eat! No eat!

Bathroom!

I think they want to freshen up first.

Well, Dan, I must say I'm proud of you.

It seems that you showed some leadership
in that.

Ah, it was nothing. Oh, I don't know.
Some people really might have panicked.

For sure.

Hey, Rod, you must have been pretty
impressed with old Dan the man here.

Yeah.

Dan was a real cool cookie.

compliment out of that woman.

Soup, apple, and sandwich.

That'll be... I'm paying for those guys,
too.

$384.02.

You take Chevys?

Listen, Roz, I want to tell you how much
I really appreciate you not letting on

to the others what really happened in
that elevator.

I don't want people to know the truth
about that.

That I was a low-down, stibbling coward?

No, they already know that.

I don't want them to know I was nice to
you.

Why?

Because then everybody would want to be
my friend.

And they'd want to hang around all the
time, and sooner or later, two of them

would get into an argument, and I'd have
to try and cool them off, but I'm not

much good at that, so I'd just gun them
all down and end up frying in the

electric chair.

Better to be safe than sorry.

Well,

goodbye.

This has been most interesting.

Maybe we can do it again in, say, 40
years.

Judge, no hard feelings?

Hey, no hard feelings at all, Ernie.
You're just a young, enthusiastic kid.

It was a pleasure having you around.

Okay. Thanks for everything, Judge. You
bet.

played a trick that was mean and
childish and stupid.

Does that make you feel better?

No. I feel better because I stole his
watch.