Original subtitles

Last week on my court.

Billy, I'm quite all right. I don't need this ridiculous operation.

What are you going to say when your ulcer perforates and you start

hemorrhaging?

I want you.

I want you now.

This is my life. We're talking about my life.

Are you so driven by pathological need that you would put it at risk just to

satisfy your tawdry kick?

Should I stop?

No!

Surprise!

I'm afraid Mr.

Fielding is in a coma.

He's in a coma?

Poor Dan.

I feel awful.

You put up a brave front.

I don't understand. Dan was fine yesterday. What happened?

Mr. Fielding participated in an overly stress-inducing activity.

What kind of activity could he have participated in? He's in bed.

Right.

Just leave your numbers with the duty nurse. We'll call you if there's any

change in his condition.

What if his condition never changes?

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

Dan's going to be fine. I mean, he's just getting a little rest, that's all.

Mac's right.

There's a good chance that Dan knows we're here, so it's our job to let him

know that everything's going to be just fine.

Is he done yet?

Boy, things are sure different around here without Dan.

Yep. No groveling, no leering, no whining.

Only sensitive remarks or sleazy, disgusting sexual references.

Boy, you don't know what you got till it's gone.

Next case, sir. People versus Pettit.

She's a dancer at a topless bar.

Mac. Yes, sir.

This one's for Dan.

Good conduct charge, Your Honor.

Miss Pettit was apprehended while performing at the... Flesh Nosh.

Your Honor, while my client does plead guilty, I can't help but wonder what the

officer had in mind when he singled out Miss Pettit for arrest.

A good boss!

would have wanted it that way.

Let's make it a $50 fine in time, sir.

What's next, Mac?

Pornographic filmmaking, sir.

We'll take ten.

Boy, is this hard being at work knowing Dan's in the hospital.

I just wish there was something we could do.

All we can do is what we've been doing. We just keep taking turns visiting him.

Say I'm off to the cafeteria. Can I get anyone anything?

Coffee? Tea?

I hear they have a nice fruit cup today.

No.

Nothing it is.

Till later then.

Let's kill him.

Who's taking the first ship with Dan tonight?

Me, but I don't know what good it does just sitting there with him. You know,

maybe we should try talking to him.

Say what?

No, really, I read somewhere that by talking to comatose patients is

sometimes helpful.

What do you say to a man who's lying limp in bed?

Last night was fun, now get lost.

To chew.

I chew.

Yo mastico. Yo mastico. Repita.

You chew.

Tú masticas.

Tú masticas.

We chew.

Nosotros masticamos.

Nosotros masticamos.

Bull, why are you playing a Spanish language tape?

Sleep learning.

I thought I could make productive use of Dan's free time.

You'd be amazed how fast he's picking it up.

A couple more days, it should be completely right.

You know, even though I've had a lot of problems with this guy, I sure hope he

pulls through. Oh, yeah, so do I.

You know, I'm feeling a little bad about something I said to him last week.

Christine, with all due respect, it can't be any worse than the things I've

ever said to him. Oh, yes, it could.

Oh, I doubt it. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

Well, I told him he should die a slow and lingering death.

You win.

Look,

I'll stay with Dan, you guys. Why don't you take Bull down and get him something

to perk him up?

Come on. I'll get my jumper cables.

I don't know if you can hear me or not, but it's really hard to see you like

this.

I'm just so used to you being so lively.

You're always leering and groping and taking advantage of me.

Like the time you had your hands full and you tricked me into fishing the key

out of your pocket.

Dan, I wish there was something I could say to get through to you.

you, Dan.

I want you bad.

I can't hold back the passion that I'm feeling anymore, Dan.

Dan, let's just give in to this and I'll crawl into this bed and I'll make mad

passionate love to you, my magnificent stallion.

I think you're beating a dead horse, lady.

Here is a really simple explanation for this.

trying to stimulate him. No, no.

I was trying to arouse... Your Honor, would you please tell this man I'm not a

pervert?

How are we defining pervert?

Look,

folks.

Pervert, prude, it's not my job to label people.

Wait a minute.

I thought you were going to take the night off and get a little rest.

I couldn't sleep.

I kept thinking about what we said to each other on that last night.

He's going to be all right, sir.

Yeah.

Look, why don't I get her some coffee? It's going to be a long night.

Sure.

Dan,

Dan, Dan.

You don't look too comfortable, buddy.

You know, you had that same look on your face when that lady who owned the

hunting lodge took you away for the weekend. You remember that?

She brought you back strapped down to the hood of her car.

I gotta say something to you, Dan.

I haven't liked a lot of the things that you've done.

Hell, I haven't liked any of the things you've done.

But you've never, ever been... boring.

What I'm trying to say is... the place ain't the same without you.

You gotta come out of this.

We miss you.

I miss you.

You big, dumb son of a...

No, thanks. Keeps me awake.

Dad! Shh.

He'll wake him.

What the hell's taking so long?

Oh, I guess they have to run some routine tests.

Check for what?

Oh, blood chemicals, reflexes.

Motor response.

Do you want to see him before we bind and gag him?

Yeah, visitors.

Before I go, I'd like to remind you, Mr. Fielding, you came this close to death.

Yeah, I know. What do you think, you duck holiday?

I should have pulled the plug when I had a chance.

So, how's it been?

Great to have you back, Dan.

It sure is.

Nothing. That's why I need it.

If I'm not mistaken, that's how your problem got started, Dan.

You big jerk.

You almost killed yourself. Now, you listen to me. No, you listen to me.

Ese vestido es bonito, me lo...

It's Tuesday, Dan.

Tuesday? You've been unconscious for three days.

Three... Tuesday? Oh, my God, I've got a date with Mandy tonight.

Looks like you're gonna miss it. What? Are you crazy?

She's a cheerleader for the Jets, flaming batons, you know? I can hear the

crowd going, go for it.

You are out of your mind.

Where are my clothes?

Eh, I won't need them.

Dan.

You lost your memory, too?

It was a stunt like that that put you in here.

When you fall off the horse, buddy, you just gotta get back in the stunt.

You didn't learn a thing, did you? Yes, I did. Come over here. Grab this. I'll

show you.

I'm leaving.

Oh, and I will stop off at the morgue, and I'll tell the ghoul with the gurdy

to reserve a slab for you, okay?

Guys, would you mind if I had a couple of minutes alone with Dan?

It's your life.

Vaya con Dios, muchacho.

Dan, those people have been worried sick about you.

They're going to lecture me on going back into a coma.

I don't want to lecture you, Dan.

I want to... Dan, I... Oh, Phil, spit it out.

I mean that literally.

I'm so happy that you're okay.

You know, Dan, you owe quite a debt to Phil.

What are you talking about?

You needed a transfusion, and none of us matched your type, so... Oh, no.

I'm coursing through your veins even as we speak, Dan.

Oh, my God.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

I am you. You are me.

Yeah, now we both got hookworm.

I want you and your green furry teeth out of here.

He's gonna be just fine.

I can feel the sterno pumping through my veins.

Here, Dan.

Happy birthday.

A brown lump, Harry. How did you know?

graphic chocolate sculpting from one of those X-rated bakeries.

Well, it's been in the trunk of my car for three days.

What was it?

Well, you've been acting so childish lately, I'm not sure I should tell you.

I'd hate to be accused of contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Well, I'll just melt it down and make it into whatever I want.

Tell me about it, Dan.

This near-death experience stuff, is it all it's cracked up to be?

What? I took a little siesta.

Siesta? Dan, you risked your life for cheap sex.

You say that as if it were a bad thing.

Why don't you grow up, Dan? You're 38 years old.

That's what you think.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm 40.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you're gonna say, 40 years old, no big deal.

You're 40 years old?

The big four are old?

You're 40 years... Hey, hey, hey, hey! You're supposed to say, 40 years old, no

big deal!

Yeah, I lied about my age, okay?

Okay. But the way you're going, you're not gonna see 50.

Good.

You say good?

Yeah. We're talking about death, right?

It's better than the alternative.

The alternative is living. Right. To a ripe old age.

You're afraid to grow old, aren't you?

You see those new TV dinners they got out now?

They're great. Everything you need. You pop them in the microwave for five

minutes, you can eat them right out of the container, standing over your sink.

All by yourself.

You know, they even got turkey and all the fixings for Thanksgiving.

I'm saving those burritos for Christmas.

I take it back.

You're not afraid to grow old. You're afraid to grow old alone.

I will tell you something I do not... want to be. And that is one of those

old, pathetic, eccentric bachelors living in some sleazy apartment all

alone with a dozen cats.

Dan, you can have more than that. Aye, two dozen cats.

Dan, your life doesn't have to be like that. I don't have a life, Harry.

I have a lifestyle.

Do you know how many women I have slept with? It doesn't matter how many women

you've slept with.

More than a hundred?

You know the slogan, under the golden arches, over four billion, sir?

Let's just say I'm competitive.

And out of all of them, not one of them ever said,

I love you.

Dan!

Okay, so you haven't found the right person, so you keep looking.

Harry, I've dated the state.

Well, then maybe you should move down the eastern seaboard.

Get it, do you? Listen to me.

No one is ever going to love me. No one is ever going to say, I love you. You

know why? Because in order to be loved, one must be able to give.

And I can't give.

I cannot. I have never been able to give.

And I don't know why.

Maybe it's because I'm a bastard.

Might be a wincy bit harsh.

But you're right.

You're also arrogant and self-indulgent.

You're right.

Vain and greedy and rotten. Hey, hey, I said you're right.

But the whole truth is, you're also kind.

You're compassionate.

You're caring.

And you give.

That's a lousy thing to say.

Dan Fielding, you're decent. Admit it. I will not admit it.

Okay.

How about a time back?

When I quit my job, things were going real bad for me then. My whole world was

falling apart, and you came to me. You talked to me. You made sense.

You changed my life.

Now, how do you explain that?

I was sucking up.

I quit.

It was just a reflex.

How about when I heard my mom was dead?

You stayed with me all night to cheer me up.

Yeah.

You made me eat that Czech mix with the anchovies in it.

Dan Fielding has a lot of shortcomings.

But not being able to give, that's not one of them.

I love you.

Hey, I don't even want to know this time.

And I happen to know that there are other people that love you.

Of course, there's a lot more that think you're scum.

But those people don't count.

Except for maybe one.

Who's that?

Dan Fielding.

You take care of yourself, buddy.

Harry!

Yeah?

I...

Spit it out!

Please, allow me.

There,

I've said it.

Yeah, you have.

Now, why don't you try saying it to yourself?

Hello, Sheila, it's Dan.

Sheila, let me do the talking for a change, please.

What you and I have had together has been sick.

Been two desperate, lonely, selfish people just using each other.

For the first time in my life, I think I deserve...

More.

And I just wanted to let you know that.

Yes.

I'm naked too.