Original subtitles

It's hospitals. Give me the creeps. Oh, come on. Think of a hospital as a place

where people work tirelessly and selflessly to perform miracles.

Damn,

I was that close.

How long is Dan going to be here? About two weeks.

You mean he's going to have to spend his birthday alone?

Oh, Dan won't be alone.

He'll be surrounded by... people on the go.

Come on.

Dan?

Oh, my God, we're too late.

right on time.

I want to thank you for your assistance in the OR.

Your performance was magnificent, nurse.

By the way, you can get dressed now.

This hospital is woefully understaffed.

Billy, I want you back in that bed and I want you to stay there.

Do you understand what that means?

I won't be assisting with rounds.

Give me the reflex hammer.

And the stethoscope.

And the reflector.

Mine.

You've got to be kidding.

Unfortunately, he's not.

Who are you people?

We're his friends.

My condolences.

Mr. Fielding, I'm watching that bet.

Alone.

You're the best.

Silly. I'm quite all right. I don't need this ridiculous operation.

What are you going to say when your ulcer perforates and you start

hemorrhaging?

Does he always behave like a complete ass?

Oh, yes.

Thank you.

Can you cover for me a neuro?

Your surgery's at seven.

God, I can't wait.

Okay, come on.

Where are my birthday presents?

Bulls.

You shouldn't have.

I figured you'd have some spare time on your hands.

Death be not proud.

Dan, you're going to be just fine. I can feel it.

Well, thank you. Of course you can feel it. I mean, it's a well-established

procedure. A lot of guys have little alter operations.

Dan, we know just how much guts this is taking.

About two feet, from what I understand.

Come on, what do you say, huh?

A little seven-card stud.

Jack's a wild. Low card, pick your hole, huh?

Come on, you in or what?

Dan, you can't behave like this.

You're in a hospital. You have to follow your doctor's orders and you have to get

complete rest.

I'm in.

Now, the staff of this hospital has a first-class reputation.

I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen?

I'm here to take D. Fielding to the morgue.

Second worst thing that could happen.

Mr. Fielding is alive.

Look here, buddy. I'm breathing over here.

This poses a problem.

Obviously, there's been some kind of mistake.

Ain't no mistake. I got the paperwork right here.

Sorry, Dan. I tried my best.

He's here for a simple operation.

I'll check back later.

Over my dead body.

It's a date.

Make sure you get my regards to the lovely Mrs. Dracula.

Think you know something I don't?

Oh, Dan, don't be ridiculous. What are the odds of something going wrong, huh?

Probably the same odds as stepping off the curb, getting hit by a bus.

So, what's your plan to do with this watch?

Uh, sir.

Oh, sir. Sir.

I, uh, took this around to everybody on the floor.

You want to sign it? What is it? A card wishing Dan a prompt and painless

recovery. But there are no signatures.

Like I said, a card wishing Dan a prompt and painless recovery.

Here are those files you requested, Your Honor. Thanks.

Alphabetized.

Ah.

With little red tags marking points of interest.

Gee, neat.

May I say something else?

Though I'm just subbing here at the assistant DA, it's been a pleasure

working with you.

Yeah, well... It's been a pleasure working with all of you.

Mac. Good.

Christine.

Of course, Roz.

That's all I have to say.

Real nice guy.

Yep. Very polite.

Yep. Kind of makes you want to barf.

Yep.

What's next, Mac?

Dansky versus Rosenstein?

Oh, isn't that the pooper scooper case? Uh-huh.

Mac, have you seen the evidence?

Hey, I tagged it.

Let's say the... that one till after lunch. I'm with you, sir. What else?

People versus green.

Here's the file.

Well, not wishing to prejudge any case, what is the specific charge against

Sister Ralph?

He was apprehended in front of St.

Paddy's attempting to solicit funds for the home for wayward brunettes.

Defense pleads guilty, Your Honor.

And the state appreciates that plea from the lovely and able public defender.

Thank you.

You're very, very welcome.

Let's make that a $50 fine and, Ralph, don't let this kind of thing become a

habit.

Ross.

Let's move it, sister.

Hey!

Respect the uniform, if not the man.

I hated you in Norma Rae.

Hi, everybody.

Dan Fielding, what the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be in the

hospital. Hey, why are you hanging around that dump, huh? I'm fine.

Go ahead.

No, I'm okay. I'm okay, okay. I just tripped over a... Gum wrapper?

Walker? They didn't want him to leave the hospital so early. They insisted he

use this.

Give it to me.

Let me get to my desk.

Take your time, Danny.

there, buddy.

Buddy?

Did you say buddy?

Who the hell are you? I am Albert Rogers, the assistant DA temporarily

assigned to this courtroom.

Get out.

No, you see, I was... No, you see, I am the district attorney around here.

But I was told... I don't care what you were told.

Yeah, but you see, I was... Kill!

Scalpel!

Sir, if you're absolutely sure, you won't be needing me.

Dan, you think you can work?

Sir, I assure you I can do this.

Well, I guess we won't be needing you, Mr. Rogers.

That's right. Go back to your neighborhood, Mr. Rogers.

You think you can do that?

We'll give you a call if we need you to come back. It would be a great pleasure.

I knew he was going to say that.

May I say you're looking lovely this evening?

I can break cinder blocks with my forehead.

May I say goodbye?

All right, let's get back to work, Matt.

Yes, sir.

Dan, what can you possibly do in this condition?

Try me. You might be surprised.

We're already here, people.

Dan?

Coming, sir.

I suggest a medicated shampoo.

Oh, my God. What's the matter?

I think I'm going to sneeze.

So?

Stitches, woman, stitches.

What happens to be sneezes?

You ever see the movie Alien?

You got it.

Dan, are you sure we shouldn't just call Mr.

Rogers back? I'm fine.

I am completely capable.

of performing my duties.

Boom!

Well, fine, now that we're all vertical.

Let's give it a shot, Matt.

People versus Barbarella.

What's the charge here, Mr.

Prosecutor? Oh, I need my file, sir.

I'll put it on your table.

Oh, God.

Dan, if you can't discharge the duties of your job, then you really have no

place here in the courtroom.

All right, all right, I'll get it.

Ever have one of those days?

Come on, guys, let's go cheer up Dan.

Hey, how you doing, pal?

If I had a gun, I would shoot you.

Almost back to normal.

Would you look at him?

Do I have to?

Gee, Dan, how do you eat with that thing stuck? sticking up your nose.

This is how I eat.

I'm getting kind of full. Somebody want to finish my carrots?

Oh, no thanks.

We sucked up dinner before we came.

So I hear you're going to be just fine.

That's what they tell me. No reason for them to lie.

Unless you're desperately and hopelessly ill.

Hello.

Oh, took a turn for the worse, did we? You.

Get the hell out.

Hey, didn't anybody tell you it's not polite to talk with your nose full?

Dan, what is going on with you? Listen, if you don't mind... Well, Dan, we do

mind. Why did you come back to work early? Why are you risking your health?

Because he's nuts.

How are we feeling, Mr. Fielding? I am in great pain.

Good.

Oral? Yes.

Disappointed?

Now, you have a very stupid friend here.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Doesn't seem to understand he's a very sick man.

You know, Fielding, it's my obligation to do everything I can to ensure your

recovery. That's part of my Hippocratic oath.

That's the canon of dignity and mercy we doctors hold sacred.

Will you be my friend?

Now, where was I?

Dignity and mercy?

Oh, yes.

I want to talk to the duty nurse about your enema. I'm not going to pay for any

enema.

My treat.

Well, we'll be going.

What, so soon?

You don't want to stick around for dessert?

We're going to be inhaling some baked Alaska.

Dan, you're not going to listen to the doctor. You're going to listen to me. If

you don't slow down, you're going to die.

Now, what do I have to do to keep you in bed?

We gotta be going now.

Well, Dan, you know what they say.

As long as you got your health.

Or insurance.

Bye. Bye, Dan.

I'll catch up with you guys downstairs.

Change your mind about dessert, Harry? I'll call up for an extra tube.

Dan, can I say something to you in confidence?

Of course, sir. You're a jerk.

Your secret is safe with me.

Something is making you act this way. What is it?

What was that thing about getting back to work so quick? Are you afraid your

job's going to be taken away from you?

Hey, listen. You want to watch a little TV with me? Dan, I want to talk to you.

Petty co-junction. Highly underrated as far as I'm concerned.

Dan.

Now, something is making you act recklessly.

What is it?

Have you got some kind of repressed emotional conflict that you're afraid to

look at?

Listen to yourself.

Who the hell do you think you are?

analyzing everybody.

Do you remember that dream I told you about me being chased by the giant

cucumbers through the Grand Canyon? You thought that had sexual overtones.

Dan, I am real concerned about you as a friend.

Friend?

Dan, I want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to you!

I am not going to listen!

Has it ever occurred to you? to you that the only reason i ever listen to you is

because it is my job i have to i'm afraid visiting

hours are over yeah

happy birthday dan

I'll be back in a half an hour. What for?

Your sponge baths.

I have an itsy-bitsy sponge.

Ha!

Dan?

Are you lonely, too?

Next time, it won't be empty.

Hi,

Dan.

Sheila.

Dan, I came as soon as I heard.

Where did you get the uniform?

I used to be a candy striper.

I get off on...

Mercy. So, what brings you by?

Guinea.

Little kibitzing.

You know,

it's very strange. I wonder why is it that the only time you show up in my

life is when I'm ill or incapacitated.

Luck.

Dan, I want you.

I want you like never before.

Sheila, Sheila, this is a hospital. I've got wires attached to my body monitoring

my vital signs. I've got a tube running up my nose.

I sense reluctance.

Reluctance? Don't you understand the meaning of the word restraint?

A device that restricts movement.

Oh, this is wonderful.

Is this available in King?

Sheila, I can barely move.

Damn.

I'll drive.

I want you.

I want you now.

Jill, listen, this is my life. We're talking about my life. Are you so driven

by pathological need that you would put it at risk just to satisfy your tawdry

kick?

Should I stop?

No!

Now, where was I?

I want you now.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

Come here, Dan.

Coming.

Now, open your mouth and say, uh.

Hello,

station nine.

What's going on in your room?

Mr. Feldman, you were just having a dream.

Now go back to sleep.

No.

Why in the world would I want to see him again?

To watch him suffer?

Good enough for me.

It's Dan's birthday, so everybody put on your hat.

Oh, why are we doing this?

Dan is sick and we have to cheer him up. Does that mean we have to humiliate

ourselves?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does.

I don't think that's going to be a problem.

Sorry I'm late.

There was a puddle on the corner and I got suctioned to the pavement for a

while.

Well, why are you wearing that costume?

Because it's Saturday.

Yeah, it's always nice to slip out of the uniform on weekends and get into

something a little more comfortable.

I entertain kids at the orphanage on Saturdays.

Children just love this get-up.

A little advice.

Change your shoes before you get stuck in front of a bus.

Thank you.