Original subtitles

Ross? Judge?

Everybody back from lunch yet?

Nope.

It's just you and me.

By golly, you're right.

So, uh, tell me about yourself.

I'm 32.

I'm a fun-loving tourist whose hobbies include full-contact karate, Brahma bull

riding, and small-caliber weapons.

Quit while you're ahead, sir.

Yes, sir. Miss Sullivan, what happened?

I don't really know. The last thing I remembered, I was eating lunch. She took

a bite and then she started to choke.

Then she fell on the floor in a fit of violent convulsions.

You smell wonderful.

What's that you're wearing?

Veal piccata.

Sir, it was incredible.

He saved her life.

He was so heroic. Who?

Please, please, please.

No, it's just a hobby.

Ask about his free home physical.

So, how's the patient?

He saved Christine?

It's true. If Dan hadn't been carrying this card, she wouldn't be with us

today.

Wanda's whip Emporium.

The other side.

Oh.

How to save a choking victim.

Step one, give the victim a swift blow to the back to clear air passage. Step

two, clear the mouth of any foreign object.

Step three, loosen constrictive clothing.

Better

to

be safe than sorry.

Hey, you.

Sleep with me.

Should have taken death while she had the chance.

All right, the hot tub and the car phone and the trip to Acapulco, but that is my

final offer.

Dan, I can't sleep with you.

I understand.

There's no reason you should feel obligated.

There isn't? No, of course not. I mean, after all, what did I do but...

grab you from the jaws of death just seconds before an agonizing demise.

Sorority girls. I'll get you sorority girls.

Nah.

What am I doing?

Negotiating your first slave trade?

Miss Sullivan, listen, I know this is none of my business.

I say that a lot, don't I?

That's okay, sir. We don't pay attention to you no more.

Listen, Dan is just using this as an excuse to hit on you.

I know that.

But he saved my life, Your Honor. He rescued me. From the jaws of death

moments before an agonizing demise.

Oh, I'm fine. It's okay. Never mind.

I must have just...

when I carried Christine's prone, lifeless body to safety.

What if I had a sex change?

He'd counter with his own.

And then none of us would be safe.

First case, sir. What do you got, Mac?

Oh, trespassing, destruction of private property, and assault with a chicken.

Out of your system now.

What a world.

You try to save someone and they attack you with a smoldering thigh.

You're lucky I wasn't making beef. Hey, guys. You'd feel it if I hit you with

the business end of a chuck roast.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, what is the problem?

Mr. Brush here was passing by Mr. Friedman's residence when he smelled

smoke. He pounded on the door. There was no answer.

Whereupon Mr. Brush burst in and Mr. Friedman attacked him with the entree in

question.

You break in, and then you assault him with this... Plump, juicy fryer, that's

correct.

I thought the house was on fire.

There were billows of smoke coming out of the windows and the god-awful smell

of carnage.

Oh, that's my special sauce.

I was barbecuing, and then this maniac tears my door down with an axe.

Where'd you get an axe?

It was in my car.

You carry an axe in your car?

Along with a rope, blow... porch and the jaws of life.

It's a Volvo.

Well, Mr. Brush, I really hate to do this, but the law is the law, so I'm

afraid I have to ask you to pay some restitution to Mr. Freeman here.

Your Honor, may I approach the bench?

What am I going to say, no?

Your Honor, judge not.

Lest ye be judged.

Kind of puts a crimp in the old job description, Parker.

You know, I have been watching the proceedings, and... Well, I must say, in

all good conscience, this is a travesty of justice.

No sin was committed here. This man risked his life for another.

And haven't all of our lives been enriched by that experience?

I mean, perhaps there are some of us here who are even alive today.

Jew... to the unselfish generosity of another.

No, no.

These people who help their fellow man, or woman, as the case may be, deserve

the recognition of this courtroom.

Haven't we all had to say to ourselves, have I truly given?

Have I given enough of myself?

Have I given until it hurts?

has pleaded guilty.

We would like to request a suspended sentence due to the circumstance.

Your Honor, may I request that the prosecutor refrain from ogling me during

my closing statement?

Does the prosecutor have anything pertinent to add?

Let the record show that

the prosecution exhaled wantonly.

In lieu of time served, what's next, Mac?

That's it, sir.

What do you mean, that's it?

You mean the judicial cupboards are bare.

No, they can't be. I mean, with all this pencil of heinous crimes in New York,

surely we can squeeze in one more.

Sorry, Miss Sullivan.

Do you have any last requests?

Mindful?

I got them.

for Betty.

Look, I said I would be there, didn't I? In front of witnesses.

Here. Now, the address is on the key.

Knock twice and ask for mercy.

I'm gonna be loved by you.

Not you and nobody else but you.

Get her to switch to decaf.

I'm sorry, Your Honor. I'm a little bit on edge. No, no, no.

Lizzie Borden was a little bit on edge.

You are downright freaked. Now, come on. You don't have to go through with it.

I have no choice.

Miss Sullivan, I can't believe you were put back on this earth so you could

sleep with Dan Fielding.

Look, I appreciate your concern, Your Honor, but I am a big girl now and I can

make my own decisions.

And the sooner I get out of here, the sooner this will be over with.

Dan forgot his overnight bag.

See you in September.

Careful, Yard. Could have fallen over. Thank you, Ross.

I guess this means I saved...

Not what you think.

I'll take cash.

the champagne you requested. Oh, great. You found it. Yes, indeed. Though it was

a difficult task. After all, chateau libido is not one of our usual grounds.

Shall I unscrew it for you?

Perfect. This could be the greatest night of my life.

Okay, I want this over with before it vomits.

Face?

I suppose we could use this later, huh?

Come on.

Let's go.

Great.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I know 52 of them.

Dan, there's a man out on the ledge.

That's silly. Don't. I'm positive.

That's ridiculous. It's just a bird.

And he's got a beard.

What are you doing out there?

Isn't it obvious?

I'm plunging to my death.

I have some depositions that I need signed by morning, and I don't believe

I've met the gentleman on the left.

Goodbye. Wait! What is it now?

Uh, we need some information.

For what?

For the coroner's report.

What the hell is it? Oh, wait, I'll get it.

Pleasure to see you. Thanks for stopping by.

Here, uh, you can get whatever information you need off my driver's

license. Uh, we got a complaint on a jumper.

It's a cop!

Okay, freeze!

Hello. Why are we all on the floor?

I have no idea.

Who the hell is she?

Who the hell are you?

Gerald Phelps. And he's got a gold card.

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm 38 years old. Well, so am I.

And I'm a virgin.

Happy landing.

Man on the ledge has never had sex.

Oh, my dear Lord.

Cyril, if you didn't go around telling people, nobody would know.

Evening.

What's with the virgin in the window?

They're mucking up my evening.

All right, so you're not getting any. Big deal. What about us guys who are?

You jump off this thing, splunge down there, splatter all over the sidewalk.

She is going to be very upset.

And I'm going to wind up playing with the TV remote all night.

I didn't mean to ruin your evening. It's just... Just what?

I can't make up your mind about anything, can you? Well, listen, if

you're going to stay, stay. If you're going to jump... Joe!

Bye. No!

Sicko! Hey, hey!

This man just saved your life.

And now...

anything around here.

You know, on you, this works.

What are you people doing here?

Just consider us a sexual SWAT team.

You thought I wasn't old enough to make my own decisions, didn't you?

You all thought I needed to be condescended to and chaperoned like a

teenage girl, didn't you?

lovely party.

Take off the Samoan burial dress here?

I thought it added that festive touch of the islands.

Listen to me. You agreed to this, and then you waltz in here dressed in

Raymond Burr's nightie.

Aren't you supposed to be breathing?

Does it matter?

Not really.

I can't.

I beg your pardon?

I want to, but I can't.

Why? Why?

Why do you think why?

You forgot your batteries?

You respect me.

That's it. You respect me. Stop it. Dan.

All right, fine. Yes, right.

My regular Phil Donahue.

I knew you had a decent side. I knew you couldn't go through with this under the

circumstances. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. You knew it? Yes.

And you didn't tell me?

If you were to find out by yourself, I wanted you to see that you are not half

as desperate as you think you are. Nor half as smart, obviously.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, I thought... Thought what?

I thought there was a chance you really liked me.

And all you needed was an excuse to show it.

So, you thought by pressuring me into the situation, I'd feel free to... Let

your ya-ya's out, right?

If the real Dan Fielding, the one I know is lurking in there somewhere, were ever

to have the courage to let down his guard and be himself, to risk

vulnerability and to approach me with complete honesty, I don't know what

would have happened.

Dan, Dan, I had such faith in you when I was right.

Now, maybe someday...

You'll find some in yourself.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe someday I'll come to grips with these opposing forces inside of me.

But until I do, I am going to hit on you every day of my

life.

As long as there is blood running through these veins or there is a vacant

room anywhere in this city, you are not going to be safe in my presence.

Understood?

Understood. Max!

Dan.

Let's go get something to eat.

I'm not hungry.

I'll buy.

Okay.

I really do want to thank you for saving my life.

I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you for that.

I think you just did.

Miss Sullivan.

Mr. Fielding.

About those people at work.

Oh, Dan.

Dan, you don't even have to think about them.

As far as I'm concerned, this whole thing is...

Nobody's business but ours.