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She was the first girl to see me naked.

Granted, we were 7 years old at the time,

but I had a feeling even then.

There's really something about the first girl

you play doctor with. Maybe it's cosmic or something,

or perhaps it's just that she's seen your package

and didn't run away screaming.

Whatever it was, Allison and I were made for each other,

a perfect fit.

So when her family moved away, I knew that someday, somehow

fate would bring us back together.

Berke.

Berke Landers.

It's me, Allison.

Allison McAllister?

Of all the lunchrooms in all the schools

in all the world, that day, she walked into mine.

It was the perfect romance.

I was dating the most beautiful girl in school.

And the cool part? We still played doctor.

For the first time in my life, I was in love,

and I knew it would last forever.

Boy, was I a dumb-ass.

We need to talk.

Um, you know, everything in life,

e-even the really great things,

run their course eventually. Right?

Trends fade. Bread molds.

People die.

Uh-huh. Heh.

I guess...

Remember the first time we kissed?

The feeling, the sparks?

Yeah.

Well, now, when we kiss,

the feelg, It's... It's kind of...

It's kind of gone.

Oh, and, Berke?

I packed up most of your stuff.

I thought it'd be easier.

Thanks.

Love

Love will keep us together

Think of me, babe Whenever

Some sweet-talkin' girl Comes along

Singin' a song

Don't mess around You just gotta be strong

Just stop 'Cause I really love you

Stop I been thinkin' of you

Look in my heart And let love

Keep us together

You

You belong to me now

Ain't gonna Set you free now

When those girl Start hangin' around

Talkin' me down

Hear with your heart And you won't hear a sound

Just stop Stop

'Cause I really love you

Stop Stop

I been thinkin' of you

Look in my heart And let love

Keep us together

Whatever

Young and beautiful

Someday Your looks'll be gone

When the others Turn you off

Who'll be turnin' you on

I will, I will I will

I will

Be there to share forever

Love will Keep us together

I said it before

And I'll say it again

While others pretend

I need you now And I need you then

Just stop Stop

'Cause I really love you

Stop Stop

I've been thinkin' of you

Look in my heart And let love

Keep us together

Whatever

Ah, whatev-whatever

I will, I will I will

I will

La-da-da-dah

Dah-da-la-la

Dah-da-da-dah

Sedaka is back

Dah-da-da-dah

My parents, Frank and Beverly,

they host the relationship advice show Love Matters,

which sounds pretty cool...

This maximizes the pleasure for both parties.

Exactly. Right, right.

While simultaneously allowing for face-to-face intimacy.

Coolio knows what we're talking about.

Wanna take her for a spin? Huh?

We'll be right back.

Here are the CDs you wanted.

Oh, thanks, honey.

The guests get so cranky when you haven't heard their music.

You came home so early last night.

Don't make it too flat.

Is everything okay with Allison?

No, not really. So maybe we can talk about it...

Berke, you know the rule.

When we're not feeling sunny, we...

I don't really want to talk about it here.

I believe the word is "share."

Frank, hon,

apparently Berke has a problem with Allison.

What's the story, dude?

A little SNAFU in the old channels of communication?

Boundary issues? Codependency?

No, it's nothing like that.

- Five minutes, people. - Sex.

She dumped me.

- Darling. - Aww!

Ohh! You poor baby!

This probably isn't the best place to talk about this.

You got to be insane

That green Jesus

You got to be insane

That green Jesus

You got to be insane

That green Jesus

You got to be insane

That green Jesus

I wanna go home.

It's gonna be fine, man.

It's gonna be better than fine.

I mean, look at all this new and interesting...

Hey, that's my sister?!

Hey, grabby hands, step away from the sister.

Shouldn't you be at a pajama jammy-jam or something?

What am I, a year younger than you?

Not than anybody could tell from your birthday presents.

Pink rollerblades.

It was a great gift. Sure.

Can I help you? Huh?

Uh, no. Come on, Basin.

A guy in the corner says he'll pierce our navels for free.

Ooh! What?!

Okay, he's here. He's here.

So?

So I told him I was going out of town, Maggie.

He's gonna freak when he finds I'm here.

Al, you're a free agent now.

Don't you think he needs to start dealing with that?

You should've seen the look on his face. He was devastated.

It's gonna take him a while to get over this.

Allison? Are you sure you're over this?

Allow me.

Who was that? Ouch.

Is this, like, your first time in the States?

Well, uh... Lucky, right?

Are you guys listening to this candy-ass?

My father's in the foreign service,

so I've spent the last few years abroad.

Shanghai, Ludwigshafen.

When I was in Amsterdam, I toured with a little pop group

called the Swing Town Lads.

I knew he looked familiar.

What's up with this accent? He sounds like Madonna.

She's here. Who, Madonna?

No. Allison.

Ohh! It's perfect.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You are not going over there.

You go over there, you might as well

put your stick on a cracker.

It's only gonna make you her bitch.

You don't want that. It's bad!

Felix, I've taken pisses

longer than your last three relationships.

Ohh! Oh! Right you are.

Thank you. You okay?

Yes. Yeah. I think so.

Yes, well, it's a tad rough-and-tumble out there.

Glad I was here to catch you.

I'm glad you were too.

Would you care to dance?

She's not your girlfriend anymore, man.

Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

I mean, next year,

you guys'll be going to different schools.

What were you gonna do, marry her?

Who marries their high school girlfriend, anyway?

And don't say Macaulay Culkin.

I think I'm gonna call her.

No. Negative.

Have some self-respect, man.

You have called her 40 times already.

Get out of my way! Oh!

I, I stand at attention

Whenever you're near You're near

Full speed ahead, girl 'Cause it's clear

That you are my Luv S.C.U.D.

He calls himself Striker.

"Luv S.C.U.D."?

So, what did he say when he gave it to you?

Mmm, I don't know. He asked me out.

Well, don't be so nonchalant about it, girl.

I think that boy is razor fine.

Oh, it's so funny

To be seeing you FELIX: Look, Berke, don't...

After so long, girl Oh, my God.

And the way you look I understand

That you aren't Impressed

I heard you let A little friend of mine

Take off your party dress

Oh, Allison

I can't believe you dated that loser for a year.

- Knock it off! - We'll call the cops!

Alison

The neighbors are screaming at you, Berke!

- My aim is... - Come on, let's go!

Berke, your aim sucks.

A little to the left, Jessica.

What direction do you think left is?

If you go with your instinct and reverse it,

I think we have something happening.

How difficult is this? I'm so alone, I think.

I am trying. You are intimidating me.

Well, you are frightening me! Do you understand that?

How do you get dressed in the morning?

Do you have people that come in,

or do you just lie in state?

A Midsummer Night's Rockin' Eve?

Classical Shakespeare with a contemporary musical twist.

Hello?

Oh, my God! How did you get this number?

Oh, you're kidding!

Either that man has no taste, or he completely hates us.

I think it's a little of both.

Lazario, how's that lobotomy workin' out for you?

So what's with the smiling?

A week ago you were mired in rejected drunk-guy mode.

You pass the final, or what? No, I got a 57.

- Ouch. - Hello, ladies.

- I'm sorry, man. - That's gotta suck.

No, just a mild annoyance.

See? Yeah! There you go.

If she wants to screw around with that clown, let her.

Right? Yeah, for now, anyway.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, if I'm gonna lose Allison,

it's not going to be to a turd like that, right?

Obviously there's something about the guy Allison likes.

Yeah, obviously.

Come on, Landers, wake up out there!

Fancy moves, Crazy Legs.

- In your face. - God, there he is again.

I don't know how you could take someone seriously

with an accent like that.

Berke, face it, man. You're screwed.

I don't think so.

I think I can take this backstreet bitch.

Nice trick, Landers. Catching the ball with your face.

Next thing you know, you'll be shooting

three-pointers with your ass.

Berke.

Berke, stop. Berke!

Will you let me look at it, please?

Just go back to practice. Berke, talk to me.

I just don't understand

how you can replace me with this guy.

Berke,

no one can replace you, you know.

It's just...

...time to move on.

So, everything's just going great with this...

This Striker?

No, i-it's just...

Different, you know, I mean...

He's not like other guys our age.

You know? He's sophisticated and...

We're even gonna try out for... For the spring musical together.

You hate theater.

No, I don't.

"Captain of the fairy band,

Helena is close at hand."

I'm understanding about every other word of this shit.

Berke. Hey.

What happened to your face? A long story.

A Midsummer Night's Dream?

What, are you gonna try out for the show?

Kinda, sor... Maybe.

Well, you know, if you're serious about it,

I'm kinda good at that stuff.

Really?

Have you heard her songs?

She's only like the next Josie Mitchell.

Joni Mitchell.

I could actually use some help.

So tomorrow, coffee?

Okay. Coffee would be great.

Okay. Bye. Bye.

"If you're serious, I'm kinda good at that stuff."

Shut up! "Shut up!" Ah!

Did you see Dennis staring at me again?

Oh, I know, totally. I told you.

Okay, so the first thing

we need to do is pick you out a monologue for your audition.

Yeah, this is good. Lysander, right here.

"She sees not Hermia. Hermia sleep thou there..."

No, wait. You can't, like,

run all the words together. It doesn't work like that.

But that's okay. We'll start from the beginning, okay?

It's kind of hard to understand,

but once you get into it, the story's actually kind of good.

So, Hermia, this girl here,

she's very rich and beautiful,

and she lives with her overbearing parents in Athens.

Now, Hermia has everything a girl could ask for.

Cool clothes, nice complexion

and her pick of pretty much any guy she wants.

But of all the guys in the greater Athens area,

Hermia's heart belongs to

the handsome young nobleman, Lysander.

This would all be perfect if it weren't for Demetrius.

Hermia's father already promised her hand to him,

and he's just as charming and handsome as Lysander.

Maybe even more so. Not to mention,

Demetrius will stop at nothing to make Hermia his bride.

This pretty much leaves Lysander screwed.

All right. Got it.

Uh, you make it, uh, very easy.

We just started.

Kelly, I'm not exactly trying to win an Oscar here.

I'm just trying to get my girlfriend back.

Thanks.

Hi! How are you?

Hi, new faces. How are you today?

I'm Dr. Desmond Forrest-Oates,

fine arts chair and all that hoopla.

The purpose of these proceedings

is to separate the wheat from the chaff.

And I think we might be amazed that among us

is a new, glimmering star.

Our school's next...

Well, our next Peter Wong.

Hey, Petey. Cool shirt.

For those of you who don't make the cut,

I beg of you, don't despair. There's always stage crew.

And if you've ever had a conversation with a crew member,

you know how much fun that can be.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I couldn't resist it.

You egg me on, is the problem.

All right, the procedure is gonna be very, very, very basic.

We're gonna start with the singing audition. Okay?

So loosen up those diaphragms, kiddies.

It's time to impress.

Where the bee sucks There suck I

In a cowslip's bell I lie

There I couch When owls do cry

On the bat's back I do fly

After summer

Merrily-y-y-y-y

Take a look

Here I am

Can't you see

One simple smile From you could

Set me free

So if you take a look

Let your heart Be your guide

I'll show you love

If you take a look

At the girl inside

Oh, that was... That was fun. Who's the composer on that?

Me, actually.

I'm sorry, were you...

Were you expecting applause and that?

This is an audition, not TRL.

I know that.

Who's next? Bentley Scrumfeld.

One of the original Swingtown Lads, if I'm not mistaken.

I see you know your boy groups, sir.

I follow the popular arts.

To me, they're so dope.

If you don't mind, I'd like to accompany myself.

Ah. Put that down.

Thank you.

This one's kind of a personal favorite of mine.

Oh, it's so funny

To be seeing you After so long, girl

And the way you look I understand

That you are not impressed

But I heard you let that Little friend of mine

Take off your party dress

Oh, my.

Alison

I know this world

Is killin' you

Alison

My aim is true The best one.

He's the best one we've seen so far.

My aim is

True.

Very nice, Mr. Striker.

That is very impressive indeed.

That's, that's... Wow.

Alrighty. Well, if there's no one else...

- Wait. - What?

May I help you?

Berke Landers. I'm here to audition.

Ah. Berke Landers.

Goody for me.

Uh, I'd like to read a monologue by Oberon in the third act.

I can't wait to hear it.

But first I need to hear your singing audition.

Excuse me?

The procedure, Mr. Landers,

is that we sing first and then we read later.

Uh... Heh-heh.

Jessica, could you help me here?

I'm sinking in quicksand, unfortunately, at this point.

Sing first, read later. Sing first, read later.

Any song? Any song you want.

Kiss a little longer Make it last a little longer

Projection, Mr. Berke! Projection.

Kiss a little longer

Stay close a little longer

Hold tight a little longer

Longer with Big Red

That big red freshness Lasts right through it

Your fresh breath Goes on and on

While you chew it

So say goodbye A little longer

Make it last A little longer

With Big Red

- Yeah. - What's going on?

Oh, nothing.

I'm just watching Chester screw the rubber tree.

What, is that some kind of expression?

No, no, no.

My aunt's dog is staying with us for a couple of weeks.

Apparently, he's got some sort of hormonal imbalance.

Wow, uh...

Is Kelly there?

What? Kelly, your sister.

Is she there? Why?

Because she did a favor for me today.

Okay. Hold, please.

Berke Landers.

Since when do my friends start calling you?

Since today. Hey.

So how was I?

You were really... Ah. Okay.

Sorry. I thought you knew about the singing.

Oh, minor detail. You were cute.

You wanna tell Allison that?

Well, I hope you get in the play.

What? Felix?

I can hear you breathing!

Hello?

All right, everyone, coming through!

Out of my way! Part!

Please! Excuse me. Thank you.

Okay, ev... All right!

Ow! Demetrius! Yes!

Congratulations, fair Hermia. You're kidding.

I knew you'd get it.

All right, people! This play is gonna rock!

Chorus?

Oh, you've got to be shitting me.

Helena? Oh, my God!

Good news?

Sorry, I just...

I really had my heart set on that part.

That's... That's good.

Look. There's you.

Oh, yeah.

Well, let's hope Attendant #3 doesn't have any songs.

Felicitations, Miss Woods. Thank you so much.

It's a lead role. I know.

Methinks thou best not botch it!

I remember what the wonderful Bobby De Niro

once said to me.

Well, not to me. I read it in an article.

It was considering landing the big roles,

and what he said was:

"Just because God blesses you

does not mean there isn't another sneeze coming."

Anyway, see you at Thursday's rehearsal.

You too.

Uh, Dr. Forrest-Oates,

That's... That's kinda gonna be a problem.

See, next week, we've got all the basketball playoffs.

Now, let me tell you something, bub.

This is your theatrical debut!

I want you to take it seriously!

I want you to give it half the dedication... Just half.

...that I gave my own.

To be or not to be.

That is the question.

Oh, those were the salad days.

Although these are good.

Thursday. None of this.

Jock head.

Let's go! Jessica, why are you...?

Come on, come on, come on.

Excuse me, I'm a teacher. Thanks.

Let's go! Let's go!

Where are you going, Landers?

Landers!

So, in summation, Lysander loves Hermia,

who loves Lysander, but is betrothed to Demetrius,

who in turn is the object of Helena's affection.

Now do you see the fun of it?

It's just all hell done break loose.

Mickey Rourke said a wonderful thing about having fun.

He was at some big soiree that Liza Minnelli was throwing...

Mr. Landers, how nice of you to join us.

And thanks for not showering. What a super instinct.

The secret to all this, you see,

is that our four young lovers

are not as in control

of their romantic destinies as they think.

Because in the woods, we have what?

Fairies. Fairies! Fairies!

Spirits! Spirits.

Specifically, Titania, Oberon, and Puck.

Little Steve. Steven.

Who delight in manipulating their human counterparts

for sport.

It really is fun to see a bunch of fairies being played...

Holy shit, Little Steve, you've got wings!

Well, you got fairy dust coming out of your ass.

Come on, guys. Let's stir up some trouble.

O fair Hermia, thou art so incredibly hot and stuff.

Hey, Red, follow us.

You can't see us, but you'll do what we say.

Suckers.

Yo, dude, somebody's scammin' on your chick.

Time to kick some ass. Heh-heh-heh!

Demetrius, what say you?

Relent, sweet Hermia. And you, Lysander.

Yield thy crazed title to my certain right.

En garde. What?

There's no sword fighting in this play.

Well, now there is.

Off you go.

When it rains, it pours.

Mr. Landers!

Are we having R.E.M.?

Musical Shakespeare? Calling my sister?

She's helping me out.

My sister?

Yeah. She knows what she's doing.

Whatever. Berke, this isn't about her.

This is about you running after Allison,

and I'm sorry, but it's bullshit.

See you out there.

That's it.

We gotta find our boy somebody, quick.

You don't just arbitrarily replace someone's soul mate.

I mean, look at that old lady from Titanic.

She ain't never get over that.

I'm not just talking about anybody.

You still take shop with Dora Lynn Tissdale, right?

Yeah. Last week,

she nearly took out half the class with a nail gun.

So she's a bit clumsy.

Thanks to good old Dora Lynn,

Dickie Bergwell has to take a crap standing up.

Dennis, we're not asking her

to build an apartment complex, are we?

And what makes you think she's gonna do it?

That's your problem, all right? I'll take care of Berke.

Dennis heard it firsthand. The girl's completely into you.

No, that... That's bullshit.

Why would I make this up?

I'm presenting you here with a golden opportunity.

The Stanley Cup of blind dates,

New Zealand's gift to Rosner high.

I mean, those eyes, that mouth, the rack.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Okay, yeah, she's a little accident-prone.

The girl's a walking disaster zone.

Wherever she goes, bad shit happens.

Oh, my God!

I mean, weird bad shit happens.

Aah!

She missed six years of high school.

She was in a coma, for chrissakes.

Berke, she's beautiful. Yeah.

She's built. Yeah.

And apparently she's totally willing to lower her standards,

so I really don't see anything wrong with this.

It's your turn to get the ball.

I'm not getting the ball. You get the ball.

Hey, uh, Dora Lynn?

Dora.

Kinda got this favor to ask you.

Favor? What kind of favor?

Just stop, drop, and roll!

Berke, don't be nervous.

I'm here because I want to be.

Me too.

We never really had a chance to talk.

Well, that had a lot to do

with the fact that I was busy with Allison...

And you kinda had your hands full with the whole, uh...

Coma thing? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, Berke,

it's all about new beginnings.

That stuff about me being bad luck? Ancient history.

I'm moving on with my life, and you're moving on with yours.

Heh. Sorry.

Would you excuse me for one minute?

I kinda have to...

Pee? Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

Waitress, can I have some more tea?

I love that song!

Tits!

Check, please!

I'm dreaming of a boy

A very special guy

I wish that I could pluck

A fairy from the sky

To cast a spell Upon my pride and joy

I'm dreaming of A very special boy

Time. Time.

It's just not very good.

I could lie to you, but I would do you a disservice,

because it's just bad.

You've got to commit.

I'm dreaming of a boy A very special guy

And then, "I wish that I could pluck!" Pluck!

I wanna see you pluck it!

You know what I mean? We'll talk about it later.

Okay. Enter Theseus.

Now, attendants,

a rogue suitor

is spooning with the master's daughter.

Well, this is totally scandalous.

You must look shocked, amazed. Let's see you look shocked.

I said shocked, Mr. Landers, not constipated.

Oh, my dear God. Go, Del.

Go bid the huntsmen. Wake them with their horns.

Hold it. Yes, um...

Um, you'd tell me if you'd had a stroke.

- And eight. - One, two, three, four...

What?

What?

Are you lost?

Um, , actually,

I signed up for stage crew, and I...

Stage crew?

Then shouldn't you be over there?

Oh, right.

My lord, I shall reply amazedly.

Half sleep, half waken, I came with Hermia hither.

Our intent was to be gone from Athens,

where we might, without the peril of Athenian law,

be wed.

Ah-ah-ah.

Save it for show night, Wong.

Sorry, Striker.

What do you get When you fall in love

A girl with a pin To burst your bubble

That's what you get For all your trouble

I'll

Never fall in love again

I'll never Fall in love again

What do you get When you kiss a girl

I'd ask you what the hell you're even doing here,

into my ex-girlfriend's fancies,

I'd probably be doing the same thing.

Only I'd have a bigger part.

You dropped your sword.

I'll never fall in love Again

Don't tell me What it's all about

'Cause I've been there And I'm glad I'm out

I am so sorry. Big game.

And that is what I'm here to remind you

Substitution.

Sorry, sir. There was a big accident.

You are so lucky I am not Bobby Knight.

We got playoffs next week,

and you've got an obligation to the team.

Now get out there. Yes, sir!

Substitution for Rosner, Berke Landers.

Hey, Landers, nice ass!

I'm gonna go now.

Never fall in love again

Yeah, I'll see you guys later.

Have a good night.

Don't stop because of me.

Sorry. I just never get to play a real piano at home.

So, you've been a busy guy lately.

Yeah, dating a pyromaniac, showing my ass in public.

Well, it's all in the name of love, right?

Right.

Play me something.

No. Come on. It sounded good.

I'm embarrassed.

I love writing songs, but it... Ah.

What's the problem?

Well, you were at the audition, Berke.

Forrest-Oates hated my song.

Well,

I admired you for putting yourself out there like that,

and, uh, you know, for whatever it's worth,

I thought it was a really nice song.

Thanks.

This is a song I wrote.

B, C

D, E, F, G Oh, God!

Bring it on.

H, I, J, K, L-M-N-O, P

Showoff.

Berke. Yeah? Hey, Felix.

How do you feel about half-naked women?

Would you mind telling me where we're going?

Suffice to say, Dennis and I, we discussed it

and decided that this is exactly what you need.

We have a very special guest with us tonight.

A young man recently jilted by his longtime lady love.

Hey, you.

Hey, see you later, Casanova.

Ohh!

What's that?

It's Monday Madness, people.

You know what that means.

Behold my majestic, corseted form!

Police! I want to see some IDs and I want to see them quick!

Oh, my God! Sorry!

Hey, can somebody get me down? Please?

Jesus, mother of God!

I must say, you surprised us, Berke.

It's not every day you get a wake-up call from the cops

saying your son's been pinched in a sex club raid.

That said, your father and I have discussed it...

And we'd just like to say...

We are so incredibly proud of you.

What?

For getting on with your life.

Most kids your age

are way ill-equipped to deal with heartache.

But not you, mister. You got right back on that horse.

Or should I say, suspension harness. Stop it.

Mom, Dad, I just got arrested.

Shouldn't you be, like, pissed or something?

Why? Sexual curiosity is perfectly natural.

We just had no idea you were so kinky. Yeah.

Hey, who's up for frozen yogurt?

Ooh, sounds good to me.

Well, then again,

Berke may want to go home and polish the rocket.

Yogurt's good.

Okay.

Okay, Dennis.

What? Bring her up.

Ladies and gentlemen,

introducing Prisoner Number 6943.

Bravo, Landers, bravo.

You know, you do take a stunning picture.

Striker, I'd be careful about that accent.

You're beginning to sound a lot like Mary Poppins.

Look, I don't know what you're blathering about,

but if I were you... Hold it, hold it, hold it.

What? Are you wearing makeup?

That's it.

Ooh.

Careful, Landers. I do believe you are

trifling with danger.

Who keeps nunchucks in their pants?

Ohh!

Peter Wong is down!

Look on the bright side, Wong.

You're a singer, not a dancer.

I'll kill you, you ass-kissing, pretentious, Swingtown twit!

This is my theater! My show!

Forrest-Oates is my special buddy!

That was intense.

I know. I've never seen

bone poke through skin like that before.

Everything's going to be fine, according to the paramedics.

In fact, Peter will be back on his feet in no time.

Still,

in the words of the wonderful Kevin Spacey,

the show must go on.

So since curtain is, indeed, in three days,

I'm now accepting offers from volunteers

for the role of Lysander. Ooh-ooh!

Put your hand down, Little Steve!

No, Striker, you already have a role.

Yes, I know, but I was wanting to nominate someone.

Oh. Well, that's very flattering, indeed.

But I don't think a man of 34

can possibly keep up with you youngsters.

Actually, I was referring to...

Berke Landers.

Oh! Well, that's an intriguing thought.

Any other ideas?

One I might use?

Put your hand down, Little Steve!

He's green, to be sure,

but he does demonstrate a certain enthusiasm.

I'm in.

You're in? Yeah, I'm in.

Jessica, call Domino's. We'll be here a while.

And keep icing your front bum!

Swelling continues when you don't ice, and I need you.

Not really.

So how many swords do we have?

Seven. Eight.

I swear, if Allison doesn't appreciate this...

Then what?

Anyway, I've heard you do the dialogue. You're fine.

Yeah, but what about the singing?

Well, the music sucks.

Especially my song.

Well, why don't you rewrite it?

Oh, Forrest-Oates would never go for it.

Kelly, you're the best one in the play.

You know more about this stuff than he does.

Yeah, but he doesn't see it that way.

Forrest-Oates just cast me as a lead.

He's an idiot, Allison.

My name...

...is Kelly.

What'd I say? Allison.

No, I didn't. Yeah, you did.

I'm sorry. Prepare to die.

Maybe y-you shouldn't be playing with that.

Wh... Put it down.

Put it... K-Kelly.

We have an 18-year-old white male

with an anterior puncture wound to his left arm.

I'm so sorry, Berke. I thought it was a prop.

I wanna see it.

No, don't look at it. It's pretty bad, isn't it?

No, it's fine. Here, listen to me, Berke.

The doctor's gonna fix your arm, I'm gonna help you rehearse,

and you're gonna be the best Lysander ever.

Your arm, it's really not that...

Oh, my God! Ohh!

Bah-bah Bah-de-dah dah-bah-bah

Bah-bah Bah-de-dah dah-bah-bah

Bah-bah bah-de-dah Dah-bah-bah dah-de-dah

Bah-bah Bah-de-dah dah-bah-bah

Bah-bah Bah-de-dah dah-bah-bah

Bah-bah, bah-de-dah Dah-bah-bah, dah-de-dah

I'm just saying,

that Thursday night you kept Kelly's ass out till 12:15.

Felix, it's Kelly.

She's helping me out with the part.

Okay, okay, okay.

Just keep an eye on her, man.

Because some of those theater guys,

they have this reputation of being kinda...

Gay? See?

That's what they want you to think.

I'll keep an eye on her.

Bah-bah bah-de-dah Dah-bah-bah dah-de-dah

Forty-eight hours I'm still havin' it bad

Thirty-two to go I was virtually dead

Makin' a mess On someone's desk

I did it again Bah-dah-dah-dah dah-dah

Started lookin' for someone The kind is you

All the other places were There are nothin' to do

So waste the morning and Hang in bed, nobody cares

So when do your parents leave for this affiliate stuff?

Uh, today.

Don't even think about it. What?

Felix, I can hear your brain planning a party. No.

I'll see you guys la... I gotta get something.

Hey, why is he going into the music store?

I don't know.

He's probably buying tap shoes or some shit like that,

which only further demonstrates my point, my friend.

That man is in dire need of a party.

Yes?

Hi. I know you're busy,

but I just wanna talk to you for one second.

Oh, Miss Woods, please come in...

Oh, fun hair clip.

I wanted to talk to you about my song.

Oh, "Pocketful of Dreams."

I originally wrote that tune for Miss Diana Ross.

Miss Ross! Miss Ross!

I've written a very groovy song! I think you'd li... Unh!

That's my hand, buddy! Aah! Miss Ross!

Miss Ross! Diana!

Unfortunately, the lawyers got involved,

and then bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

And then, uh, the next thing you know... Phtt! No deal.

It's a great song. I love singing it.

Oh, it was fun to write.

It's just that I was wondering if you...

If you wouldn't mind,

if I made a few suggestions.

You've made s-some suggestions?

"O weary night,

abate thy hours."

Well, I just figured, you know,

like you said, the song really isn't working.

I'd like you to do me a favor, if you will, Miss Woods.

I'd like you to read this poster and tell me

what it says at the bottom.

"No food or drink allowed in the auditorium at any time."

It says, "12 original songs by Dr. Desmond Forrest-Oates."

Oh. That part. Yes, that part.

I'll tell you what it doesn't say.

It doesn't say, "additional lyrics

by Little Miss Sassy-pants."

You know, some of those lyrics are Shakespeare's.

Ah. And what was the last tune you hummed from Macbeth?

Bill Shakespeare is a wonderful poet,

but Burt Bacharach he ain't.

I'll go.

Sorry I'm late. That's okay.

I was just getting lucky. Chester!

We need... We need to find this dog a date.

So, uh, how was... How was Forrest-Oates?

A bigger asshole than I thought.

Maybe this will make you feel a little better.

A gift? Berke.

First we rehearse, okay?

Okay. All right.

So that's the girl That I've got to have

I'll tell you why...

It's 21 hours until the play,

and I'm actually starting to suck more.

Look, let's just put the songs aside for a second.

We'll work on some dialogue.

We're at the point where Theseus has just woken everybody up.

All right.

Hi. Hi.

Okay, this scene's between you and Hermia.

So pretend I'm Allison, okay? Sure.

As difficult as that might be.

No, go ahead.

So Theseus says,

"Go, wake them with their horns."

And Hermia says,

"Methinks I see things with parted eye,

when everything seems double."

Okay, I got it.

My lord, I reply amazedly,

half asleep, half awake.

I came with Hermia hither.

Our intent is to leave Athens

where we may be married.

And then there's the kiss,

which is gonna be with Allison.

Right.

But in this case...

Ah. Shit!

What?

Hey, let me take a shot in the dark.

Berke's there, right? Felix, where are you?

Big party. Hey, listen.

Tell Berke he might want to stop by,

because there's some people who've been asking about him.

We gotta go to your house.

Well, well. I'm impressed.

Turnout's not half-bad. Where's Felix?

Dude, you should really breathe, man.

I mean, you look like you're gonna stroke out.

Look, I'm gonna look for him over here, okay?

You realize I'm going to kill him.

Felix! Felix!

Felix! If it isn't my beauteous costar.

Have you seen my brother Felix? Fair Helena.

So tense.

A few preshow jitters, perhaps?

Or maybe some love pangs for a certain you-know-who.

You! Berke! What's up?

So, what do you think, huh? What do I think?!

What are you talking about?

I don't know what you girls see in this undereducated wank.

Perhaps you can take me out to the veranda and...

edify me.

Shit, it's Striker.

I'll see you at the show. What the hell is going on?

Nothing. Just a bit of tomfoolery.

Felix, I'm handling it.

No, you're being handled by Leather Pants here.

There's a difference. I think you better go.

Oh, come on. Do you really think I'd fool around on Allison?

You, of all people, should know how damnable that would be.

Now where's the grub? This way? Thank you.

Guys.

Is it just me, or does this punch taste kind of funky?

There's chunks.

Hi.

I've been wondering where you've been.

We have to talk about Striker.

No, no. You will stop at nothing, will you?

Allison. Allison.

Striker? Allison!

Maggie.

Allison, I'm so sorry.

You can all just go to hell.

Hey, you.

Sorry about this whole party thing.

My brother is kind of an asshole.

Kind of?

I'm seriously considering

telling Mom where he keeps his porn.

That was a joke.

Kelly, why do you hang out with me?

I mean, you probably have better things to do

than to waste your time with a hapless loser.

You're not a loser, Berke. Allison thinks so.

Allison's an idiot.

I have done

absolutely everything for that girl.

She just doesn't get it.

I can't do this.

Kelly, I think you're great, but we can't... We can't do this.

You're Felix's little sister.

Screw you.

Kelly, wait a second. That came out wrong!

What was that? Felix, it's not what you think.

What the hell has gotten into you?

Aah.

Well, well!

Why am I suddenly glad we left the conference early?

I don't recall anything about a party, Berke.

We could have sprung for a deejay.

Make sure and put the furniture back when you're done.

Mom, Dad, reverend's daughter Judy

just took a dump in our pool,

and you want to spring for a deejay?

That's what makes us so fly!

We trust you.

You're my parents, for god's sakes.

Stop trusting me!

Poor Judy. I'll go get the skimmer.

Well, this is pretty interesting.

It was nothing. Kelly, I was there.

He kissed you, and I don't know why he did it.

I mean, Berke's pretty screwed up right now, but...

Look, I kissed him too.

And, yes, he is screwed up,

and he likes someone else, and it's a problem.

But, Felix, it's my problem.

Look, you'd know I'd be lying if I said I was happy about this.

But, um, if Berke can't see what an amazing person you are...

Then I'd say that he's the one with the problem.

Good night.

Uh, hey, it's me. It's Berke.

Uh, just wanted to say thanks for all your help.

The guy at the music store said that songwriters

use these things, so...

If anyone can fix Forrest-Oates' song,

it's definitely you.

Just know that I believe in you, Kelly.

Um, break a leg.

Now I've fallen in deep

Slow, silent sleep

It's killing me

I'm dying

Hey, let's mess with the mortals one more time.

Boyfriend'll be trippin' on this.

One more dose for Mr. Morose.

Time for a little wake-up call.

And I'm out of here.

And in the woods, where the scents are sweet,

there my Lysander and myself shall meet.

Maybe it's time you started dreaming of someone else.

Berke. You were my first.

No one's ever gonna replace you.

I've dazzled my way into your ex-girlfriend's fancies.

You were the quintessential high school couple.

She's not your girlfriend anymore, man.

I'm moving on with my life,

and you're moving on with yours.

Are we freaking you out? Yeah, we're freaking him out.

Uh, Dr. Forrest-Oates, the attendants' costumes arrived.

Ah. Thank Buddha.

And, uh, your wife called.

She might not make it to tonight's performance.

Did she say why?

It was difficult to understand through the slur.

Uh, and, sir? There is one more thing.

Del Molden Jr. Is sick.

My dance partner? Shit!

That's enough out of you, muck mouth!

Now, apparently he got hold of

some tainted fruit punch last night

and won't be able to perform.

Not that it matters at all,

because the entire production's going down in flames, so...

Oh.

That having been said,

I'm curious if anyone feels that they can

fill the little booze hound's place.

Good. Let me ask you this.

Is there anyone who, at all, is good on their feet?

A shuffle, or a turn, or an attitude of any kind.

With a pose.

Well, uh... Ahem.

sometimes Coach Hibble calls me Crazy Legs.

Oh, does he?

Wait. Wait a second.

All right, maybe if you took a half step back

before the spin.

Okay, just follow my lead.

I learnt this from watching in the wings.

Wow!

Felix!

I am. I'm in makeup.

Listen, I need you to do a favor for me.

Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.

The performance is about to begin.

It's over.

After this one, I'll be directing on the streets.

All the doo-dah night All the doo-dah day

Bet my money On a bobtail nag

Somebody bet on the bay

Oh!

Hey.

Break a leg.

Go ahead, Jessica.

Raise the curtain on the tragedy

that has befallen the bard's greatest comedy.

I'm praying for you, sir.

Thanks.

Did ya ever read A Shakespeare play

And never understand A word they say

Ahh-ahh

Well, tonight we're gonna Make things clear

'Cause Shakespeare's dead

But we're all here

William Shakespeare Wrote a play

A long, long time ago

About this chick Named Hermia

And the two guys Who loved her so

They said, Hermia Please be my girl

But she only wanted one She wanted one

And the night The fairies came to play

That's the night We have our fun

'Cause I love him And I love her

If only her best friend He'd prefer

And so the fairies All hatched a scheme

In this Boom-shacka-lacka-lacka

Midsummer night's dream

Midsummer night's dream

Midsummer night's dream

Look, there's Helena.

O, fair Helena.

Call you me fair? That fair again unsay.

Doesn't Kelly look beautiful? Mmm.

Demetrius and Lysander love your fair, Hermia.

Oh, happy fair.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Do it.

Yeah, baby. Do it.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-waah-ohh

It's fun to be a fairy And fly from town to town

Our fairy dust Will keep you up

You won't come down

Yeah, it's fun to be a fairy

And wear such pretty things

It's fun to carry love juice On your fairy wings, yeah

What fools these mortals be

That try to play at love And make a comedy, yeah

Why can't These mortals learn

A fairy up above Will never crash and burn

Yeah, it's fun to be a fairy

Ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah It's fun to be a fairy

That's right Oooh-ooh-ooh, yeah

It's fun to be a fairy Uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it

It's fun to be a fairy

Give it up, give it up Give it up, give it up

It's fun to be a fairy

It's fairy power!

That was... That was okay!

Relent, sweet Hermia.

And, Lysander, yield thy crazed title

to my certain right.

You have her father's love, Demetrius.

Let me have Hermia's.

Do you marry him?

Shit box.

Wanker. Dickweed.

It's so real, you can almost feel the tension.

Word.

Whoo-ooh-ooh Why won't you love me

Whoo-ooh-ooh Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh

There's a girl

Who says she don't love me

So that's the girl

That I got to have

I'll tell you why

She's everything A girl ought to be

And that is why I can't understand

Why she don't love me No

Hermia

I'll make you love me

Hermia

I'll make you care

Never before has a girl

Hurt me more

I'm begging Hermia

Please love me

Bitch. Pansy.

Why won't you love me Please love me

Asshole.

Hmm, hmm.

I'll apply to your eye gentle lover's remedy.

And when thou wakest,

thou will takest true delight

in the sight of thy true lover's eye.

Okay, people, we're back in 20.

Berke, Berke, I, um...

I want to talk to you about something.

Can we go somewhere? Yeah.

Thank you.

Well.

I could use a drink. Yeah.

Kaisha, you're just not equipped to deal with this.

I'm talking equipment. We're talking 800 number.

She wants a blow-up doll.

I called them once for advice.

Really? Yeah.

I had zits on my balls.

They're gone now.

Gentlemen, I'm here for a favor.

In act four, scene one,

there's a particular effects cue.

Ah, the volk tube crescendo.

Right. Now, is this the one?

Uh, no. That one could take out a village.

Hmm. I see.

Well, I was wondering if you might be able

to detonate it a bit early.

Isn't that before Mr. Lander's cross?

Look, all it'll do is scare him.

I can signal you by raising my sword like this.

Look, about this whole thing with Striker,

I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

I'm sorry you had to find out like that.

It kinda sucked.

Look, I know I don't deserve

to ask you anything right now, but...

If I could just have one wish,

it would be that we could go back to the way things were.

You know?

I mean, the friends part.

Yeah, sure.

And as for the rest of it, well...

We'll just leave it up to fate.

Did I mention there was $47 in it for you?

Not bad.

Hmm. I believe, Mr. Scrumfeld,

we have an understanding.

Remember, gentlemen, when I raise my sword.

Hey, the music's been, uh... Been good,

but, uh, you know that song, uh, "Pocketful of Dreams"?

Down here we call it "Pocketful of Ass."

Yeah, that's the one.

Listen, there's been a change of plans.

Oh, this is different.

A spell had been cast,

the lovers sleep,

though in repose,

fair Helena's love for Demetrius grows.

O weary night,

abate thy hours.

Steal me awhile from my own company.

Let me sleep

For when I sleep I dream

That you are here

You're mine

And all my fears

Are left behind

I float

On air

The nightingale sings

Gentle lullabies

So let me close my eyes

Jessica! Jessica!

And sleep Perchance to dream

So I can see the face

I long to touch

To kiss

But only dreams

Can bring me this

So let the moon

Shine softly on the boy

I long to see

And maybe when he dreams

He'll dream of me

Hide beneath the clouds

And whisper to The evening star

They tell me love

Is just a dream away

Dream away

I'll dream away

So let the moon

Shine softly on the boy

I long to see

And maybe When he dreams

He'll dream of me

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Dream of me

Go bid the huntsmen.

Wake them with... With their horns.

My lord, I shall reply amazedly,

half sleep, half waking.

I came with Hermia hither.

Our intent was to be gone from Athens so we might,

without the peril of Athenian law, be wed.

However...

What? "However"?

My lord,

We slept and slept

As well you know.

Things did change

As love did grow.

Although,

In ways fair Hermia's soul and Mine shall forever intertwine

Alas, we must forever part

For lo, to another Belongs this heart

Aww!

Wait a second!

Wait a second. You can't do that.

You can't just change 400-year-old literature!

It's not even supposed to rhyme!

Fine. I could do it too.

I do not like it in a moat

I do not like it in a boat I do not like it in a car

How's that?

Boo!

Oh, stop cheering.

Stop cheering!

Stop cheering! Do it now!

Stop... Whoa! Oh!

Thanks. You're welcome.

What is that?

It's applause, sir.

Thank you. Thank you!

Thank you!

Oh, my God. Are you crying?

No, you're just squeezing my puncture wound.

Mmm.

Make it a little more like this.

You were trying to fly into my seat, weren't you?

- No. - Oh, come on.

Well, maybe just a little.

Oh, see, I knew it. You're so bad. I love it.

Oh, just... Just hold on for one second.

I'll be right back, okay?

So...

you and my sister, huh?

You're not gonna hit me again, are you?

No. But I'm not thrilled. All right, man?

But if it has to be somebody,

I'm kinda glad it's you.

Thanks.

Hey, Kel. Hey.

Good job tonight. You guys were good. You guys were funny.

Thanks. Listen, I gotta go.

Oh, you and Dora Lynn. Yeah.

Aren't you kind of worried about the whole...?

Accident-prone? No, no.

I think Dora Lynn's about to have a change of luck.

Go, Felix. I'll see you guys later.

All right. Let's get some dim sum.

Bye, Berke.

Oh, my God.

That's okay. That's fine.

And he blew off that stage 20 feet at least.

And then she took off

like this beautiful spaceship into the night.

Dude, we burned the shit out of his face.

Tomorrow night, same thing.

So my theatrical debut.

What did you think?

You came on pretty strong in that last act.

Yeah, I was good.

So you know we gotta do this again tomorrow night.

How do you think it's gonna end?

We could bring back the always popular Big Red song.

I'd rather be shot again with an arrow.

I thought it was a prop.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you remember The 21st night of September

Love was changing the minds Of pretenders

While chasing The clouds away

Hey, yeah, yeah

Our hearts were ringin'

In the key that our souls Were singin'

As we danced in the night Remember

How the stars Stole the night away

Everybody, sing

Ba-de-ya Say, do you remember

Ba-de-ya Dancing in September

Ba-de-ya Never was a cloudy day

There never There never, yeah

Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya

Can you feel it Do you feel it

Hey Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya

Ooh, ooh-ooh Ba-da-ba-da-yea

Oh, somebody Help me sing

My thoughts are with you

Holding hands with your heart To see you

Only blue talk and love Remember

How we knew love Was here to stay

Mmm, now December

Found the love That we shared in September

Only blue talk and love Remember

True love we share Today

Oh-ooh, sing it Ba-de-ya

What you say now Say, do you remember

Ba-de-ya Hey, what you say now

Dancing in September

Ba-de-ya Never was a cloudy day

It's been never It's been never, whoa

Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya

Hey, do you feel it

Do you feel it, hey

Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya Ba-de-ba-de-yea

Oh, bring it down Right now

The bells were ringing

Our love was singing Mmm

Do you remember

Never a cloudy day

Oh, somebody Help me sing

Ba-de-ya Say, do you remember

Say that you remember

Dancing in September Ba-de-ya

It never rains, rains

Never was a cloudy day

Never a cloudy day Ooh-ooh

Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya

Sing it again

What you say now, ooh

What you say now Ooh

Oh, oh-oh, yeah-yeah

Hey, hey

Come on Sing it again

Come on

Sing it again Yeah, hey, hey

Ba-de-yea Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya

Sing it again Whoa, yeah

Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya Ba-de-ya

Ba-de-ba-de-yea

Oh, it's so Funny to be seeing you

After so long, girl

And with the way you look I understand

That you were not impressed

But I heard you let That little friend of mine

Take off your party dress

I'm not gonna get Too sentimental

Like those other Sticky valentines

'Cause I don't know if you Were loving some body

I only know it isn't mine

Alison

I know this world Is killing you

Oh, Alison

My aim is true

Well, I see You've got a husband now

Did he leave Your pretty fingers

Lying in the wedding cake?

You used to hold him Right in your hand

I'll bet he took All he could take

Sometimes I wish that I could Stop you from talking

When I hear the silly things That you say

I think somebody better Put out the big light

'Cause I can't stand To see you this way

Alison

I know this world Is killing you

Oh, Alison

My aim is true

My aim is true

My aim is true

My aim is true

My aim is true

My aim is true

My aim is true

My aim is true